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[
]
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ANNOUNCER:
This is the story of two sisters:
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Jessica Tate
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and Mary Campbell.
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Jessica lives in a neighbourhoodknown as rich.
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Jessica likes life.
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The only thing about lifeshe would change, if she could,
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is that she would set it allto music.
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The Tates have more secretsthan they do money.
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We're approachingMary Campbell's house.
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Mary, too, likes life.
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Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to betoo crazy about her.
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As you can see,the Campbells don't have
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nearly as much moneyas the Tates.
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They do, however,have as many secrets.
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[
]
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ANNOUNCER:
In last week's episode of Soap
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Danny, unable to kill Burt,now has to run for his life
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so the Mob won't kill him.
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Since this news would killhis mother
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Danny told herthat he was going off to be a spy.
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So far, he's managed to fool Mary,but not the Mob.
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When Danny appeared in disguiseat the Tate dinner party,
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the Mob tried to kill him.
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Fortunately, Danny got away.
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Unfortunately, Bob, the dummy,got hit.
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Confused? You won't beafter this week's episode of Soap.
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I was never so
embarrassed in my life. Did you hear him?
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He tells them
the real reason he's here.
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They're gonna know, Burt.
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When I come in wearing blue
and go out wearing pink, they're gonna know.
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Shh, please, be quiet, huh?
There are people around.
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I hate it here.
There are germs all over this place.
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Darling, you wanna
wait downstairs?
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It's depressing.
Everybody looks sick.
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Burt, it's a hospital.
Yeah.
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Who knows what
you can pick up here?
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Look at him.
Who knows what he's got.
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Engine trouble.
I got a little engine trouble.
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Oh, well, hi,
it's nice to see you.
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I'm sorry if we woke you.
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That's okay. I'm glad.
I thought I was dead.
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Barney Gerber, heart.
Jodie Dallas...
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Appendicitis.
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Burt. I'm in for
a sex change.
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What do you wanna change sex?
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If I remember correctly,
it was pretty terrific.
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No. I'm in for
a sex-change operation.
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Oh, no kidding.
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He's her son, not mine.
That's her boy.
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Well, not for long.
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So a sex change?
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Wait a minute.
Of course. I saw that once on a television show.
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Bill Bixby went in and,
after the commercial,
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Sally Field came out.
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You see, I have three sons.
Real sons, you know. Really men sons.
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Look, let me get this straight.
You're a faigele.
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What?
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You're a faigele, uh, a homo boy.
Right.
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[MUTTERING]
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Oh, mister, take it easy.
Nice is what counts.
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Hello. Hi, there, Mr. G.
GERBER: Hi. Heh, heh, heh.
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NANCY:
Are we feeling better today?
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We? What are you
all of a sudden, my partner?
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And how many times did
we go to the bathroom?
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You, I don't know.
I went twice.
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And it was a long, exhausting trip
for nothing.
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Okay, I'm gonna take
some blood now.
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Take his. I got
no more left. Excuse us.
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I can't stand this, with
blood, hearts. Mary, I gotta get out of here.
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I'll meet you
downstairs. Okay.
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Are you sure about this?
Yeah.
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Well, you take care of yourself.
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Are you sure?
Yeah.
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You're sure you're sure?
Yes, Ma.
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Oh, God, it's all my fault.
Mom, it's not your fault.
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It is. It must be.
I'm your mother. When things go wrong,
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they blame the mother.
Ask anyone. It's a known fact.
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Psychiatrists get rich
blaming mothers.
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Mom, it's not your
fault. It has nothing to do with you.
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Maybe it was the piano lessons.
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Mom, you have been
a terrific mother. It's just the way things turned out.
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Look, I'm healthy and I'm happy.
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Feel responsible for that.
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You okay?
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I better go. Burt's probably
throwing up in the lobby.
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I'll see you tomorrow.
Okay.
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You'll still be...?
I'll still be, Ma.
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It's just tests
they're doing now.
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Okay.
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I love you, Ma.
Oh, I love you too.
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[SNIFFLES]
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Maybe that's it.
Maybe I loved you too much.
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JODIE:
Would you get out of here.
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NANCY: See you later.
Okay.
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GERBER:
Yoo-hoo.
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Could you please
open up this curtain? I hate this backstage life here.
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[SIGHS]
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You know, after all the years
of research, money, drugs, eh...
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You know what really
keeps me alive?
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That girlie.
Who?
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Nancy Nightingale,
whatever her name is.
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I take one look at the girlie
and all the girlies like her
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and my heart beats a little faster.
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Which is good because
it's having a little trouble on its own.
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Then I take one look at her
and I forget that I'm Barney Gerber, 68 last April
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with a heart that beats
like a struggling moth.
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I forget because a 25-year-old
Gerber looks, and he wants.
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And that's what keeps me alive,
wanting something.
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Just... Just the wanting.
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Well, that and the corned beef
my partner sneaks in here twice a week.
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But as long as you want,
as long as you look forward to, kiddo,
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you can live forever.
They'll have to murder you.
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You're okay, Mr. Gerber.
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Barney.
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Okay? Why shouldn't I be okay?
I got corned beef, a cutie,
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and now a nice faigele who,
maybe if I'm lucky, plays gin rummy?
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You're lucky.
I'm lucky?
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Yeah.
I got mazel?
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Ho, ho.
Am I gonna have fun.
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[GERBER CHUCKLING]
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Oh, no. Look,
more blood? What are you? A vampire?
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Not you this time,
Mr. G. You're my victim.
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Your chart says
you're here for a sex-change operation.
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Why in the world
would you want a sex-change operation?
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Boredom.
Quiet.
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I'm thinking of
getting one myself next week.
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They say women live longer.
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Okay, Mr. G.,
naptime.
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You know, I think
you're making a big mistake.
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Is that a medical opinion?
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Can I ask you
a personal question?
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Sure.
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Have you ever, um,
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you know, with a woman?
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No.
You're kidding?
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GERBER:
Ooh, I think I'm missing something good.
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Well, that explains it.
You'll try it, you'll change your mind.
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[CHUCKLING]
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Well, you don't know.
You've never tried it.
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We're really very nice.
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How long are you gonna be here?
Two weeks.
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Oh, great. Well, that gives me
plenty of time.
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I taught my cousin to drive
in three days. See you.
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Incredible.
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You know,
since I've been here, in that bed there's been
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a movie producer,
a longshoreman and a hockey player.
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In six weeks,
none of them could get to first base with that cutie.
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And now, without trying,
in five seconds,
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a faigele scores.
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[
]
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And then what happened
after your mother disappeared?
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Mr. Campbell,
I understand these things
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are sometimes difficult
to talk about, but...
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[SNORING]
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Mr. Campbell?
What?
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Oh, uh, I'm sorry.
I just dozed off.
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I do that a lot.
I can fall asleep like that.
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So where was I?
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You said when you were
a little boy, your mother went out for a pack of Camels one day
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and didn't come back
for five years.
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Look, this is ridiculous.
My mother's got nothing to do with it.
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I know why I'm impotent.
It's ridiculous to come here
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and pay you to find out
what I already know.
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Why are you impotent?
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I can't tell you that.
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Very often it helps just to get
these things off our chest.
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And Mr. Campbell,
anything you say here is completely confidential.
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Yeah? No matter how terrible it is?
That's right.
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But Mr. Campbell,
everyone who comes in here
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thinks they're going to tell me
something I've never heard before.
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And it never happens.
We all have the same problems.
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00:08:59,560 --> 00:09:01,836
Hey, hey, hey.
I know what you hear.
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00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:04,077
You hear a guy
fools around on his wife.
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00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:06,351
You hear some guys
like weird things in the bedroom.
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Maybe one or two hate women.
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00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:10,755
Maybe somebody's
in love with a goat.
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That's nothing.
What I got is big. I mean big.
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You'd be shocked.
No, I won't.
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00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:16,874
Yes, you will.
I guarantee, I won't.
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00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:19,151
Oh, yeah?
Try me.
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00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:22,000
I murdered my
wife's first husband.
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My, that is a big one.
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You want me to tell you
how it happened?
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00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:35,199
You actually killed him?
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00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:36,754
Yeah.
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00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:39,270
See, I had this
construction business. I still do.
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00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:44,271
Anyway, one day my first wife
took my kids and left me. Huh?
189
00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:47,234
Yeah, she just left me.
No talk, nothing.
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00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:51,320
I came home from work
and there was a note stuck in the meatloaf.
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It said, "I'm leaving.
I can do better."
192
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:57,877
Okay, well, I was pretty upset.
I mean, my wife was gone, my kids were gone.
193
00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:01,152
So I just threw myself
into the business, you know? It became everything.
194
00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:04,239
Then one day
Johnny and Mary Dallas come to me.
195
00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:07,638
They asked me to
build them a house. And I do.
196
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:09,638
Now, Mary...
197
00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:12,629
It was love at first sight.
198
00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:15,594
You know, in my job,you work very closelywith the wife and I did.
199
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:18,554
And I was with herall the time. And thenI did little things
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00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:21,673
when I saw the jobwas coming to an end,just to be with her.
201
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:25,158
Like when I put in the kitchen,
I left out the sink.
202
00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:29,598
She had to come tell me
the sink was missing so I could be with her.
203
00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:32,031
Yeah, I left the toilet
out of the bathroom.
204
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:35,278
And the closet, it didn't open.
No stairs. Little things like that.
205
00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:38,919
Anyway, once
the job was finished,
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00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:42,238
Johnny Dallas comes to me.
He says he wants to be my partner.
207
00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:45,353
He says, uh, bad things
could happen if I refuse and, sure enough,
208
00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:48,314
accidents started happening.
I even got beaten up by two goons.
209
00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:51,957
Then I realised, he's a mobster.
Then it all made sense.
210
00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:55,676
The accidents, the beatings,
his shiny mohair suits.
211
00:10:57,560 --> 00:11:00,997
Anyway, then one night after work,
I stayed on at the construction site,
212
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:04,238
and I thought
and I got very depressed.
213
00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:07,399
I mean, I'd lost my wife,
I lost my kids, I couldn't have Mary,
214
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,990
and now I was gonna losemy business.
215
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:11,919
I had decided to kill myself.
216
00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:13,474
Well...
217
00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:15,514
I guess this is it.
218
00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:17,154
JOHNNY:
Hold it!
219
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:20,754
BURT:
Johnny Dallas had come to kill me.It was my last chance.
220
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:23,236
Turn over the business to himor he'd kill me.
221
00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:26,160
Heh, heh. Why kill me?
Hey, I was gonna do it anyway.
222
00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:29,671
Suicide, murder, pfft,
makes no difference to me. I'm all yours.
223
00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:32,714
BURT: And then I thought,"Hey, this is crazy. I'm just giving up.Why should he win?"
224
00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:36,440
I mean, I'm up there killing myselfbecause of him, and he sayshe's gonna kill me anyway.
225
00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:40,634
Hey, so, why don't I kill the killer?Then he can't kill me.
226
00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:43,150
Hey, why me?
Why not you?
227
00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:45,079
Because I like that
arrangement better.
228
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:46,760
BURT:
And, suddenly, I wanted to live.
229
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:49,316
You know, I've been
thinking, and now that I think about it,
230
00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:52,194
I don't think
I'm too crazy about this arrangement here.
231
00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:54,960
I mean, after all, you know,
like if we were to, say, take a vote,
232
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:57,435
as to which guy should go
off this girder, heh, heh,
233
00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:00,792
and given your criminal
record and not too charming personality
234
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:02,354
most people would pick you.
235
00:12:02,560 --> 00:12:05,280
However, I'm sure
a lot of people would pick me.
236
00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:08,314
So rather than state who
we are... You know, because a vote could go either way.
237
00:12:08,495 --> 00:12:10,736
Why don't we just
kind of hang around and talk about it?
238
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:13,070
No more talking.
We've talked enough.
239
00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:16,637
Oh, well, I don't know.
It's a nice night. Few minutes more wouldn't hurt.
240
00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:18,718
You give me a part
of this business, Campbell,
241
00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:21,230
or in 10 seconds,
you'll be part of 42nd Street.
242
00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:23,159
BURT:
Hey, look out. Take it easy. Look out, you're gonna
243
00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:27,115
JOHNNY:
Whoa! Help!
244
00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:29,596
Fall.
245
00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:33,110
So I killed him.
I pushed him off the girder.
246
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:36,392
You got a murderer
sitting in your office, doctor, right on your couch.
247
00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:37,750
It was self-defence.
248
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:39,917
Yeah, that's what
I thought at first. But then I questioned it.
249
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:43,431
I mean, I loved his wife.
Couldn't it be I just wanted to get rid of him?
250
00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:47,236
Oh, I'm sure. But
you never actually went out and killed him because of it.
251
00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:50,194
I mean, there you were,
hanging from a girder, 30 storeys up.
252
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:52,915
He had a gun in your ribs,
murder in his heart.
253
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:57,399
You had to make a choice.
So you chose your own life.
254
00:12:57,680 --> 00:13:00,798
This would make
a terrific screenplay.
255
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:05,354
So, what?
I'm not a murderer?
256
00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:08,200
Of course not.
Absolutely not a murderer.
257
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:11,632
Oh, Dr. Medlow. I just...
I gotta go now.
258
00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:13,280
MEDLOW:
We still have some time left.
259
00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:15,796
I know, but I gotta
go home and see Mary right away.
260
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:19,880
You see, I came here
because I had this problem, you know, and I couldn't.
261
00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:22,276
Well, now the problem's solved
and I think I can.
262
00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:25,234
Of course, by the time
I get home, it might be that I can't again,
263
00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:29,400
but, uh, heh-heh-heh,
we're gonna find out.
264
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,557
[
]
265
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,478
[
]
266
00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:39,593
I really need this in my life,
Dennis. I mean, I need to open this up
267
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:43,760
and see this picture of you
looking at her the way a cat looks at tuna fish.
268
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:46,429
Jodie, it's a publicity picture.
269
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:49,314
Now, don't tell me.
Um, Joe Namath?
270
00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:51,352
Hey, that's right.
You're Joe Namath.
271
00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:52,596
No, sorry.
272
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:54,792
Listen, Dennis,
I'm here becoming a girl for you.
273
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,993
But if you've already
got one, what am I doing? You think I need this?
274
00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:01,159
You think I'm
looking forward to retaining water?
275
00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:08,240
I got it. You're Mickey Mantle.
276
00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:10,033
No.
277
00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:13,518
Jodie, don't you think, um,
you're overreacting a little?
278
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:15,393
Overreacting?
Dennis, this is not:
279
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:18,320
"Clip the zinnias,
they grow back next spring."
280
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:24,758
Come on, Jodie.
I mean, look...
281
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:27,634
I'll come back
and see you in a few days, okay?
282
00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:30,599
Take care, huh?
283
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,679
O.J. Simpson?
Uh, no.
284
00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:35,636
DENNIS: Hi.
CORINNE: Hi.
285
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:37,433
JODIE:
Eunice. Hi. GERBER: Ooh.
286
00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:39,518
Hello there.
287
00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:41,837
Corinne. How have you been?
Fine.
288
00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:46,751
You get such cute visitors.
Mine are all old Jewish prunes.
289
00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:49,916
Who was that guy, Jodie?
He looked familiar.
290
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:51,474
I thought it was Joe Namath.
291
00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:53,433
You can tell her.
She won't tell anyone.
292
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:54,994
You know?
Uh-huh.
293
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:57,078
Jodie, tell me.
I can't, Corinne.
294
00:14:57,280 --> 00:14:58,509
You told Eunice.
295
00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:00,240
Well, we traded.
She told me something.
296
00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:02,955
I've got something.
And it's much better than Eunice's.
297
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:06,631
You can't tell him that.
Oh, not that. Something else.
298
00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:10,072
There's something else?
Ooh, I wanna hear that.
299
00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:12,912
I'll listen to anything.
300
00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:17,356
Oh, I can't tell you
that one, but this one is pretty good.
301
00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:20,598
Ooh. Is it better
than Eunice and Congressman McCallam?
302
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:24,111
Congressman Walter McCallam?
303
00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:27,040
Oh, that's all right,
sweetheart. Don't worry. It's safe with me.
304
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:31,035
With my heart, they applaud
if I'm still alive for dinner.
305
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:32,990
Well, what is it, Corinne?
306
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,795
Only if Jodie tells me
who that was.
307
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:37,832
Okay.
And then you'll tell me?
308
00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:40,919
Yeah.
Okay.
309
00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:45,239
I'm in love with a priest.
310
00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:47,397
[SPEAKING IN YIDDISH]
311
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:52,430
Who?
Father Timothy Flotsky.
312
00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:54,996
The closest I ever get to him
is in a confessional.
313
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:57,510
How's that
for an impossible relationship?
314
00:15:57,720 --> 00:15:59,439
Beats mine.
And mine.
315
00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:00,790
So who was that?
316
00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:02,756
Dennis Phillips.
317
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:04,354
[SPEAKING IN YIDDISH]
318
00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:07,918
The quarterback?
319
00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:10,152
You mean you
and he are...? Yeah.
320
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,397
Wait, wait.
You and the quarterback?
321
00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:16,074
And you and a priest?
322
00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:19,077
And you and
a married congressman?
323
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:23,672
And I thought Jews liked to suffer.
324
00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:31,393
JODIE: Benson.
And I thought you were alone.
325
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:33,557
Hello, Benson.
Hi, Benson.
326
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:35,877
Hi, Corinne.
Nice to see you.
327
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,356
I was just, uh,
328
00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:41,520
passing by with some stuff.
329
00:16:41,720 --> 00:16:42,756
Thanks, Benson.
330
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,521
Now don't think it's
because I like you.
331
00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:48,111
Benson, duck
in rum sauce. Banana bread.
332
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:49,993
Well, I better be going.
333
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:51,270
No, no, no, stay.
334
00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:53,153
Benson, we were
all trading secrets
335
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:55,795
when you came in.
You can trade secrets with us.
336
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:58,879
Secrets?
Yeah. We each told our biggest secret.
337
00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:03,120
What's your secret, Benson?
I can't wait to hear this one.
338
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,960
My secret is
I know all your secrets.
339
00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:08,594
You know Jodie's secret?
340
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:10,598
He's in here for a
sex-change operation.
341
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:12,000
What's the big secret in that?
342
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:15,716
[IN SINGSONG VOICE]
Uh, heh-heh. That's not his secret.
343
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:19,919
Who's that?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Gerber, heart.
344
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:22,635
Which gets weaker by the minute.
345
00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:25,878
I know his secret.
346
00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:28,231
Jodie, tell him.
But it's Benson.
347
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:31,080
Okay.
Dennis Phillips.
348
00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:34,159
What about Dennis Phillips?
I'm going with Dennis Phillips.
349
00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:35,953
Where?
350
00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:40,957
We're lovers, Benson.
351
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:43,517
The quarterback?
Right.
352
00:17:44,120 --> 00:17:46,316
Get out of here.
353
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,792
Everybody out.
354
00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:53,518
Goodbye.
Thank you, Benson.
355
00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:03,719
Time for your IV.
356
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:07,277
Now, what would you like?
We've got dextrose, glucose, plasma,
357
00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:09,915
saline, 7UP, Dr Pepper
and ginger ale.
358
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:11,952
JODIE:
Danny!
359
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:17,474
Ah. That's it.
The pacemaker just went.
360
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:20,070
Pretty good, huh?
361
00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:21,714
Aw, Danny, why'd you tell
everybody to leave for?
362
00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:23,639
I figured they wouldn't
want to stay.
363
00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:26,036
I mean, the last time
I came around, we all got shot at.
364
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:28,232
Wait, wait. Who...
Who got shot at?
365
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,318
So, uh, how you
doing? Good. Okay.
366
00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:32,352
Excuse me,
what about this shooting?
367
00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:35,553
So how you doing?
Pretty good. Pretty good.
368
00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:38,480
I'm a little jumpy.
I find myself whirling around a lot
369
00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:40,717
when I'm out
on the street, but I'm doing okay.
370
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:43,833
Uh, listen, sonny girl.
371
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:47,480
You mentioned
about shooting. See, I'm a heart patient
372
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:52,072
and my doctor told me
I should specifically avoid gunfire.
373
00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:55,079
Fatty foods and gunfire.
374
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:57,670
Well, don't worry about it,
because I'm leaving. Thanks, God.
375
00:18:57,880 --> 00:19:01,351
Listen, I'll come back and
see you in a few days. Will you still be you?
376
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:03,870
Yeah. Well, who will you be?
I'll surprise you.
377
00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:06,390
Take care, little brother.
Bye, big brother.
378
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:10,560
Danny, your wig.
Oh, thanks.
379
00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:24,359
So, uh, that's your brother?
380
00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:28,112
Well, he's a nice boy.
381
00:19:28,320 --> 00:19:30,960
Looks like Anne Bancroft.
382
00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:33,437
[
]
383
00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:41,592
Mary, I got your message.
Are you all right?
384
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:44,793
Oh, Jess, thanks
for coming. I was just so depressed.
385
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:47,799
Well, Mary,
hospitals depress everyone.
386
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:50,117
I mean, they make them
that way on purpose, you see,
387
00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:52,789
so sick people will get well
in a hurry and go home.
388
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:57,832
It's not just that.
It's my whole life.
389
00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:00,396
I have one son
who's about to become my daughter.
390
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:02,751
I have another son
who someone's trying to kill.
391
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:05,919
I have a lunatic stepson
and his dummy living in my house.
392
00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:09,238
And a husband who
doesn't wanna make love to me.
393
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:13,593
That's not life. That's something
by Tennessee Williams.
394
00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,959
Well, Mary, at least
you have something.
395
00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:18,435
Something?
Yes.
396
00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:20,677
Well, I mean, look at my life.
397
00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:24,510
Chester's always working,
so he's never home.
398
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:27,076
Corinne has moved in with Peter,
so she's never home.
399
00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:30,352
And Eunice is always
travelling around, so she's never home.
400
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:33,553
And Billy's growing up now,
you know, so he's never home.
401
00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:34,876
And Daddy is...
402
00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:38,710
Well, Daddy, tch, you know,
is just never home.
403
00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:42,238
I mean, do you know what I do?
404
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:45,035
I wander around that big house
all day long,
405
00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:47,357
not knowing what to do.
406
00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:51,156
I can't wait till 3:00
to talk to Dinah Shore.
407
00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:53,320
What?
408
00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:58,350
Dinah Shore. I talk to her.
She doesn't answer back.
409
00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:02,474
She's on television, Mary,
so, of course, she can't answer back.
410
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:05,673
But, you know,
she has such a nice face,
411
00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:08,395
and she's so pleasant.
412
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:11,877
I mean, I find it
very comforting to have her to talk to.
413
00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:15,232
Jess, you can call me.
Why don't you call me?
414
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:18,831
Oh, Mary, I wouldn't want
to bother you.
415
00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:23,239
My goodness, you have
enough problems of your own.
416
00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:26,837
Besides, you're the one
that needs cheering up today.
417
00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:29,680
That's why we're having
lunch together.
418
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:34,477
Claire, Claire, Claire.
You are so cute when you're mad.
419
00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:38,390
I'm serious, Chester.
If you don't leave Jessica this week,
420
00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:40,956
I am going to the
Securities Exchange Commission.
421
00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:43,880
There'll be no need
to do that, my darling. No need at all.
422
00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:46,879
Why, Chester?
Because I'll be leaving Jessica.
423
00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:50,471
When?
Let me surprise you.
424
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:55,439
Well, Mary, I mean,
if we didn't have unhappy experiences,
425
00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:58,109
how would we know
when we were having happy ones?
426
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:02,951
Oh, God.
JESSICA: What, Mary? What?
427
00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:04,674
Look at this plate, Jessie.
428
00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:07,794
Isn't it...?
429
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:11,630
Isn't it beautiful?
The pattern is so delicate.
430
00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:14,275
Mary, it's white.
431
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:18,713
That's what I mean.
The pattern is so delicate, you can't see it.
432
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:21,400
Jessie, don't look.
433
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:24,917
[
]
434
00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:38,550
Oh, my God.
435
00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:41,953
Jessie.
436
00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:46,753
Mary, it's true.
437
00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:50,755
All of it's true.
438
00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:53,034
[CRYING]
439
00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:58,595
Everything everybody's been saying
all these years
440
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:00,798
is true.
441
00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:07,157
Oh, Mary.
442
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:12,390
I would faint if I knew how.
443
00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:15,637
[
]
444
00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:25,520
[
]
445
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:27,160
ANNOUNCER:
Will Jodie decide to be a woman?
446
00:23:27,360 --> 00:23:30,000
Or will Nurse Nancyconvince him to bewith a woman instead?
447
00:23:30,360 --> 00:23:33,637
Since Burt couldn't with Mary becausehe thought he was a murderer,
448
00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:37,436
now the psychiatrist has told himhe isn't a murderer and didn't do it,
449
00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:38,994
will he be able to?
450
00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:42,274
Will Danny run out of disguises?Or closet space?
451
00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:44,870
And what will Jessica,now that she's discovered
452
00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:47,231
what Chester is doing, do?
453
00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:49,750
These questions and many otherswill be answered
454
00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:53,237
on next week's episode of Soap.
455
00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:00,477
[
]
456
00:24:00,527 --> 00:24:05,077
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