All language subtitles for Soap s01e08.

[

ANNOUNCER:
This is the story of two sisters:

Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.

Jessica lives in a neighbourhood
known as rich.

Jessica likes life.

The only thing about life
she would change, if she could,

is that she would set it all
to music.

The Tates have more secrets
than they do money.

We're approaching
Mary Campbell's house.

Mary, too, likes life.

Unfortunately, life doesn't seem
to be too crazy about her.

As you can see, the Campbells
don't have nearly as much money

as the Tates.

They do, however,
have as many secrets.

[

ANNOUNCER:
In last week's episode of Soap,

another of Burt's sons, Chuck,
and Bob, his wooden doll,

arrive from Hawaii.

Much to their horror,
the Campbells discover

that Chuck believes
Bob is really real.

Although he really isn't real,
he is real obnoxious.

Claire told Chester she was going to
tell Jessica everything

but Chester didn't believe her.

Much to Chester's surprise,
Claire did tell Jessica everything.

Only Jessica didn't believe her,
or did she?

Following the godfather's orders,

Danny invited Burt to a cabin
in the woods

in order to kill him.

Burt thought he was going
in order to fish.

Imagine his surprise when he found
a pistol pointed at his head.

Confused? You won't be
after this week's episode of Soap.

We begin this week's episode of Soap
where we left off:

with Danny about to kill Burt.

You're gonna kill me?

You're joking, right?
I mean, hey, I mean, of course you're joking.

No? What? No?
You mean you're actually going to kill me?

I'm having a lot of
trouble believing this, but, um... Danny?

Uh, now, listen, Danny, if...

If you're really gonna
kill me, could you at least tell me why?

You killed my father.
That could do it.

Well, that explains the gun.
Now the gun makes sense.

To tell you the truth,
I'm relieved.

Yeah, really. You know
what it's like trying to keep a secret like this?

The guilt, the nightmares...
I have to do it, Burt.

Hey.
No, I want you to know that I have to do this.

I don't really want to,
no matter what you did.

But I have to,
otherwise they'll kill me.

Hey, Danny, it's okay.
Don't worry.

I mean, what kind
of a choice is that? You or me.

Naturally, you're
gonna pick me. I mean, don't feel bad about it.

Well, I just wanted you to know.

So are we gonna
do this now or wait a while or what?

Let's do it now.
I wanna get it over with.

This and a dentist are
two things I don't like thinking about for too long.

Wait, uh. Danny.

Do you mind if I sit?
No.

Good. I think I'd like
to sit down.

That way I won't have
so far to fall.

Uh, Danny,
if I'm sitting down, you have to lower the gun,

otherwise you're gonna
hit the wall.

This is very hard for me, Burt.
You think it's easy for me?

No, but I have to
pull the trigger.

Hey, I'm the one that's
getting shot here.

But I'm gonna
have to live with it.

Yeah, but I'll be dead.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Danny, you ever shoot before?

No.
Huh. Too bad.

Okay, don't worry, now,
look, just line me up on the sight.

It's the little bump
on the end there. Just...

Bye, Danny.
Bye, Burt.

No! I can't do it.
Ahh! All right.

All right. Give me the gun.
I'll shoot myself.

I'm not giving you the gun.
Danny. Danny.

You don't do it,
they're gonna kill you. Come on, shoot to kill.

No.
Danny, listen to me.

If they kill you,
your mother's never gonna survive it.

You're her little boy.
I'm just her husband.

Her first husband
got killed. She's used to it.

No.
Danny. Danny, okay, all right.

Now, don't panic,.
Now, come on, we'll...

We'll make believe...
We'll make believe it's a game, okay?

We'll make believe that
we're in a shooting gallery

and I'm one of those bears,
okay? And I'll move around like a bear does.

Forget it, Burt.
Come on.

No way in the world
am I gonna shoot you.

Danny, if they want me dead,
they're gonna kill me.

At least do it and get credit for it.
They don't care about you dead.

They need something on me.

I'm gonna have to hide out.

All right.
Now, you're gonna need money.

I'll give you some.
I got some saved. No.

Yes.
I'm not taking your money, Burt.

Uh, Danny, we're not
discussing it. Yes, you are.

No way.
Hey, Danny, give me a break.

Take my money or kill me.
One or the other.

Okay. I'll take some money.

Good.

I don't know what I'm gonna tell Ma.

I can't tell her the truth.

No, no, she'd be worried sick,
Plus, once she knows the whole story

she's not gonna be too thrilled
with me, either. A murderer.

Don't worry.
I'd never tell her.

The godfather told me
the whole thing.

I know why you did it.

Thanks, Danny.

Come on. Let's go.

On the way home,
we'll make up a story to tell your mother.

Oh, now, Danny,
if they're out there, and they see us walk out together,

they're gonna figure out
you didn't do it and they're gonna kill both of us.

So let me go first.
They'll never suspect anything.

[

Mary, I mean,
I don't understand.

If it's a doll and it's his doll,
how can he think it's real?

He does, I swear.
It's got its own bed.

I had to serve it dinner.

Last night I had to make fish
because it doesn't eat meat.

Why doesn't it eat meat?

Jessica, it doesn't eat.

Oh.

And the fighting
that's always going on.

Chuck and the dummy
are always arguing.

Mary, I mean,
that is ridiculous.

I mean, if he's gonna have
a doll, he should have one he gets along with.

[CHUCK AND BOB
SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Shh.

Here they come.
Listen to me, "they."

I'm getting as crazy
as everyone else.

Morning.
Morning.

Chuck, I'd like you
to meet my sister, Jessica Tate.

Jessie, this is Chuck Campbell.

Hi.
Hello.

And Bob.

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
How do you do?

Hello, Bob.

Big ones.

[CHUCK CLEARS THROAT]

Hey, Cookie,
you forget something?

I'm dying to see how he eats it.

Oh, God, I really need this.

I really need eggs
like rocks this morning.

Hey, sweetheart, it's about
these little yellow boulders on my plate here.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Uh, Mary, Bob's eggs are too hard.

He really wanted
over-easy.

Now, listen, Chuck.
Enough is enough.

I am not making
any more eggs, and that's final.

That I make eggs
in the first place for a dum...

Doll that doesn't eat is crazy.

So if you expect me
to make them again, forget it.

Okay, that's it.
Call United Airlines. I want the first flight out of here.

Just calm down, Bob.
This is my family.

Of course, how else
can anyone explain you?

Now, let's not...
Boys, enough, Stop it.

"Stop it," she says.
Who do you think started this, pussycat?

You and your rotten eggs.

You know, Mary, he's right.

In fact, you've been
creating tension between us ever since we got here.

Can't you stand
to see two people getting along?

I have not.
That is not true. That...

I don't believe this.
I'm defending myself to a dummy.

Mary, if, please,
I may say something.

I was here and I heard you.
You did refuse to serve him.

Jessie.

[

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come on in.

Hey, what are you doing?
I gotta go away for a while.

Where?
A little trip.

You're in trouble.

I'm not in trouble.
It's a business trip.

Hey, come on, Danny.
I know what business you're in.

We'll get a lawyer,
we'll go to the police.

If we go to the police,
I'll be in jail when they kill me.

If we get a lawyer,
I'll be broke when they kill me. Forget it. I gotta go.

Danny, I think there's
something we should talk about before you go.

How do you fold
a jacket? Give it to me.

Danny, when
you come back, you might have a sister.

What're you talking about?

Few days, I check into
the hospital for the sex-change operation.

Come on, Jodie.
I'm in no mood for jokes now.

I'm serious.

Come on. Knock it off,
will you?

Danny, it's no joke. I'm gay.

[LAUGHS]

You never quit,
do you? Hey, face...

Face facts, will you,
Danny? I'm a homosexual. It's the truth.

I'm gay.

Hand me those pants.

Danny, don't make this
difficult for me.

I mean, what you're doing
is saying you can't accept me if I'm gay.

You're not gay.
I am.

That's ridiculous.
How can you be gay?

I mean, we're brothers,
and I'm not gay, so you're not gay.

Anyway, you're
too good in sports.

Danny, that has
nothing to do with it. You're not gay.

Danny, have you
ever seen me out with a girl? Hm?

Have you?

You're not gay. You're shy.
That's it, you're shy. Now hand me those shirts.

Danny...
You are not gay.

You are not gay.

I don't want you to be gay
and you're not.

So shut up
and hand me those shirts.

Why?

I don't know why.
I just am.

Maybe you're not.
I mean, how can you be sure?

I'm in love with
Dennis Phillips, the quarterback.

Is that it?
Is that the proof?

For god's sakes,
Jodie, I'm crazy about Joe Namath.

I idolise Mean Joe Green.
I'd give anything to...

We're lovers, Danny.

Dennis Phillips is gay?

Boy, this is a lot for one day.

Danny, what's the big deal, huh?

I mean, now that you know,
am I any different? We're not friends anymore?

You don't look gay.
I'm still me.

Hey, I'm still the Jodie
who plays tennis with you.

I'm still the Jodie who
bowls with you, still the Jodie who laughs with you.

And I'm still the Jodie
who counts on you.

You're probably not gay.

I am. And it shouldn't
make any difference.

And if it does and
you don't love me now because of it

then you've never
loved me at all.

Jodie.

Look, all these years,
I didn't wanna hear it.

I didn't wanna listen to you.

I was afraid if I ever heard it,
I couldn't look at you again.

Well, can you?

Yeah.

Friends?

Are you kidding?

Are we still friends?

Not only are you gay,
you're a jerk.

Thanks, big brother.
You're okay, little brother.

Hey, you know,
now that I look, you do walk kind of funny.

[

[

[BURT CLEARS THROAT]

Come on, Mary. Come on, now.
I want you to sit down there. Chuck. Over here.

What is it, Burt?

Well, now, I asked you all
down here

because Danny has
some really great news

and he told me first.
Isn't that something?

[SNORING]

Will you pipe down?

I really needed to be
dragged down here in the middle of the night.

What's the news, Burt?

Well, now, uh, we all know
that Danny's been involved

in some very dangerous activity
with some very dangerous people.

But he's getting out of all that.
Danny.

Not that what he's getting into
isn't dangerous,

but the people
he's getting into it with aren't.

Nice people.
Nice bunch of people.

So, what we're getting rid of here
is a rotten bunch of people

and keeping a little of the danger.
And after all, what is a little dangerous?

I mean, crossing the street's
a little dangerous, eating eggs is a little dangerous.

Exactly what sort of
dangerous work does this nice bunch of people do?

Spying, Ma.
What?

Spy.
I'm gonna be a spy.

[CHUCKLING]

A spy?
Right.

[BOB LAUGHING]

Bob, quiet.

What are you, crazy?
Who becomes a spy?

What kind of a job is spying?

Well, you see, uh,
I was selected.

Selected?
Yeah, I was selected by, uh...

By, uh...

By, uh...
Computer, Mom.

The government's
doing all these things by computer these days.

Right. See?
Very nice.

You'll run around in a
trench coat getting shot at. I love it.

Ma.
And Mrs. Baum down the street thought she had a good one

when her daughter
became a hooker. Nothing.

Ma, please.

Try and understand.

I don't wanna
leave you like this, but I gotta go.

You're leaving now?

Mary, there's just so much spying
he can do in a living room.

When will I see you again?
Do you spy weekends?

When will you ever come home?

I'll come home whenever I can.

I'll have to be
in disguise, though.

In disguise?
Right.

Wonderful. I'll be
the only mother

who gets visits
from her son and doesn't know it.

Danny. Come.

Bye, big brother.
Bye, little brother.

BURT:
Take care of yourself.

Bye, Burt.

Bye, Chuck.
Bye, Danny.

Bye, Bob.
Be nice.

Bye, Dan.
Can I have your room?

Ma. Ma, please.
MARY: I can't.

I'm not ready for this.

Honey, it was only yesterday
I was changing your diapers.

I swear. Yesterday
I fed you strained beets for the first time

and you spit them out at me.

Now you're leaving and
I don't know where you're going, or what will happen to you.

Yesterday you were spitting up,
today you're spying.

It's hard to make
the adjustment.

I'll come home, Ma.
I promise. As often as I can.

You take care of yourself.
I will.

Do remember to eat.

Listen to this.

I'm telling a spy
to eat regular meals.

I'll eat, Ma. I promise.

Goodbye.

MARY:
Wait.

I love you.

You're still my baby.

No matter how old
you are, you're still my little boy.

When you're
80 years old and putting your teeth in a glass

you'll still be my little boy.

I know.

I guess I have
to say goodbye now.

Could I say
good night instead? It's easier.

Good night, Ma.
Good night, Danny.

[

Goodbye.

No, sir.
No, sirree.

I have served food to people
who don't eat it,

I have served food
to people who throw it

but no way am I gonna
serve food to a dummy.

But, Benson, he's a guest.
Forget it.

Jessica, Benson has been
with us for I don't know how many years,

and I have never
agreed with him.

Now, though it pains me
to say this, he's absolutely right.

I, for one, am going out to dinner.
I'll join you.

CHESTER:
All right, Benson.

I feel like Chinks.
You wanna eat Chinks?

Chinese food would be fine,
Benson.

I know just the place.

Billy, would you like
to come to the Chinks with Benson and me?

Are you kidding? And miss this?
Yeah, a dinner party for a dummy.

Really, Jessica.
JESSICA: Well, Chester, I...

[DOORBELL RINGS]

It's all right, Benson.
I'll get it.

Hello.
How are you?

Come in. Come in.
Well, my goodness,

where are Chuck and Bob?

Tell them, Burt.
Well, they're coming.

Didn't they come with you?

Yeah, well, sure,
of course. Kind of.

Tell them what happened, Burt.

It's no big deal.
They had a little fight.

And made us stop
the car so they could continue in private.

Your son and his
dummy are fighting?

Yeah.

[LAUGHING]

Tell them
what they were fighting about, Burt.

Come on.
No, tell them, Burt.

Billing.
What?

Billing. You know, I mean,
the act is called Chuck and Bob,

and Bob feels that since
he's the main attraction,

his name should come first.
I don't believe this.

Well, I don't know.
I can see his point.

I'm sure.

Hello, everyone.
Please accept my apologies.

We had to settle
a little something outside.

Oh, that's all right.
I'm just so glad you could come.

Now come right in here
and meet everyone.

You'll have to
forgive my partner. He's not talking.

Heh, heh, heh. Cute, isn't it?
Did I exaggerate?

JESSICA:
Chester, come here, dear.

Come here, Chester.
This is my husband.

Chester, this is Chuck
and this is Bob.

That's him? Ha, ha,
you've gotta be kidding. That guy's 80 if he's a day.

[LAUGHING]

I hope he's got plenty of money,
because that's probably all you're getting from him.

[LAUGHING]

Jessica.
Huh?

Oh.

Well, uh, let's all
have a drink.

Come on now.
Let's go to the bar and have a drink. Come on.

You'd better open your mouth
and say something, cretin, or I'm leaving.

Okay. All right, all right.
It stays "Chuck and Bob."

Chuck and Bob.
You happy now, cretin, huh?

Now let's get over to the damn
bar. I'm gonna need a drink to get through this evening.

Excuse me, Granddad.

Scotch and soda, neat.

Hey, sambo,
the noon whistle did not blow.

I said, scotch.

One more word
and he goes into the fireplace.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

JESSICA:
I'll get it, Benson. Yes?

Telegram for
Mary Campbell. Oh, I'll take it.

I've got to
hand-deliver this.

Oh, Mary? Come in.

MARY:
Oh!

Hey. Hey.
Hey, fella, hey. Back off. Easy.

Burt. It's Danny.
It's Danny.

Danny?
In disguise.

I just wanted to say hello.
I'm afraid I can't stay.

Is this one of your
spying disguises? Yes, Aunt Jessica.

Oh, Danny, it's wonderful.
Nobody in the world would recognise you.

Well, I gotta go now.
I'll come again soon.

JODIE: Bye, Danny.
Goodbye, everyone.

[TYRES SCREECHING
AND GUNFIRE]

Get down, everyone.

Well, Jessica.

The Campbells come over
for a little Tuesday night shootout.

This is the last night
they come to dinner.

JESSICA: Shh, Chester.
I've been hit.

I've been hit.

Oh, my God.
Please, somebody. He's been hit.

Chester, do something,
quick. Call an ambulance, Chester.

Dad, you're calling
an ambulance for a dummy?

It's a dummy, Dad.

You'll get the
purple heart, soldier.

My God.
They're trying to kill Danny.

It's okay, Mom.
He got away.

Mary, don't worry.
He's fine, darling.

Don't die.
I'll do anything. I'll...

I'll make it
"Bob and Chuck."

Bob and Chuck?

Yes.
It's got a nice ring to it.

Okay, why are we all
standing around here

with our thumbs
up our noses, huh?

Are we gonna eat or not?
But your wound...

Just a nick.
A little plastic glue and I'll be okay, yeah.

Oh, I'm so glad
you're all right.

Jessica? He's a doll.

I knew you'd like him, Chester.

Come on, everybody,
Let's go to dinner.

Come on, honey.

All's well that ends well.
Come on.

I don't know how much
more of this I can take.

I know we all have our crosses
to bear, but this is ridiculous.

[

[

ANNOUNCER:
Will Mary find out that Danny is running for his life from the mob,

or will she continue
to believe that he's a spy?

Will Mary ever make eggs
the way Bob likes them

or will the dummy have to go
to a coffee shop for breakfast?

Will Jodie really
become Danny's sister?

Will Danny, now that he has to
run from the mob, live to see it?

These questions and many others

will be answered
on next week's episode of Soap.

[

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