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[
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ANNOUNCER:
This is the story of two sisters:
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Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
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Jessica lives in a neighbourhoodknown as rich.
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Jessica likes life.
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The only thing about lifeshe would change, if she could,
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is that she would set it allto music.
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The Tates have more secretsthan they do money.
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We're approachingMary Campbell's house.
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Mary, too, likes life.
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Unfortunately, life doesn't seemto be too crazy about her.
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As you can see, the Campbellsdon't have nearly as much money
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as the Tates.
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They do, however,have as many secrets.
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[
]
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ANNOUNCER:
In last week's episode of Soap, Jessica apologised to Corinne
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for having an affair with Peter.
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But Corinne refusedto forgive her mother
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and moved out of the houseand in with Peter,
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leaving Jessica sadand Chester mad.
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Burt received a telegram announcingthe arrival of his other son, Chuck,
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and Chuck's little wooden doll, Bob,who Chuck believes is real.
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The Godfather gave Dannya key to a cabin in the woods
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where a gun is hiddenin the fireplace
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and told him he must take Burt therewithin two days and kill him
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or the mob will kill Danny.
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Confused?
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You won't beafter this week's episode of Soap.
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Well, he's your father, Jessica.
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Where is he?
Well, Chester, I... I... I don't...
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Benson. Benson.
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Benson, where is he?
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Wonderful.
Just wonderful.
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I kill myself in the kitchen
all day and then nobody eats.
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Benson.
Look at this.
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Not one plate touched.
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Well, let's not waste
all this good food. Let's invite the Campbells over.
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They can throw it around.
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Benson, one of the reasons
we're not eating is because
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we are all worried and upset
about The Major's disappearance.
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And The Major would not
have disappeared if you had been watching him.
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It ain't my job to watch him.
The less I see of him, the better.
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Benson, when was
the last time you saw him?
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I saw him this morning.
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He was running around
in that camouflage outfit of his,
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terrorising the gardener.
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Then he left.
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Did he say
where he was going, Benson?
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On patrol.
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Well, what does that mean?
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It means Grandpa's bonkers.
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It means, Jessica,
that he's gotten himself into one hell of a fix again,
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that's what it means.
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It means, Jessica,
that in the course of 24 hours,
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your daughter has left home,
and your father has disappeared.
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It means that perhaps
you are letting this household get the better of you.
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Oh, it's not her fault.
She's not responsible for the...
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Benson.
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You are sitting at the table.
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Good, Mr. Tate.
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And this is standing.
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And this is leaving.
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Jessica, do you remember
the last time your father disappeared?
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Do you remember how
he took the 8:12 commuter train into Manhattan
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and attacked
the German consulate?
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It caused
an international incident, Jessica.
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I had to apologise
to two governments.
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And remember on December 7th,
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when he captured the entire staff
of Benihana's of Tokyo?
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[LAUGHING]
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It cost me a fortune
to keep him out of the banana hatch that time, Jessica.
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At ease, men.
JESSICA: Oh, Daddy.
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There he is, Chester.
Where the devil have you been?
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Easy, colonel.
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I think your anger will be
assuaged when you see what I have brought you.
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There he is.
One of the Nazi's top spies.
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God, it's Mr. Kirby.
Oh, dear.
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Are you crazy?
This is Mr. Kirby, our neighbour.
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Don't let him fool you.
He's a master of disguise.
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Mr. Kirby, I am...
I'm so sorry.
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Tate...
How about a nice glass of iced tea, Mr. Kirby?
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I have had it, Tate.
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No, not a word.
Don't say a word. There is nothing you can say to me, Tate.
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There is nothing
you can say to a man
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who has spent an
entire afternoon locked in the trunk of his car.
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Oh. What man
was locked in the trunk of his car?
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It isn't... It isn't enough
that I occasionally get shot at.
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No, today... Today
I get into my car, and halfway down the street
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a gun was placed
at the back of my head.
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I hid in the back seat.
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Some cold lemonade?
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I was then ord...
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I was then ordered
to drive out to the city dump where...
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Where he proceeded
to grill me for hours
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about troop movements
on the Heifetz River.
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Yes, heh.
KIRBY: I showed him my licence,
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My credit cards even,
to prove I was an American.
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I kept yelling out
of the trunk of the car, "Corn Flakes,
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McDonald's,
Reggie Jackson, toilet paper."
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I sang the
"Star-Spangled Banner," but he wouldn't believe me.
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Of course I didn't believe you.
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He couldn't tell me
who played third base for the Yankees in 1931.
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Tell him, colonel.
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He doesn't know, you idiot.
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KIRBY:
So that's it, Tate.
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I'm going on record
right now, I swear, if I ever catch that lunatic
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near me again,
I'll have him put away.
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JESSICA: A diet soda?
KIRBY: No.
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Will you try and understand?
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One more incident and
they are going to lock you up and put you away.
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Yes, colonel.
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But once I'm on the inside,
I'll find out all their secrets,
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tunnel out,
and lead our boys to safety.
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Good thinking, colonel.
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It's thinking like that
that's going to make you a general
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before this war is over.
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[
]
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Hey, hey.
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You. Yeah. Yeah, you.
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What is this,
some national holiday I didn't hear about?
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I ought to start paying
you guys by the piece.
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Maybe I'll get
a little action around here.
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Terrific. I ask
the union for some high steel-workers.
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They send me
steel workers who are high.
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Oh, you hippies.
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Burt.
Danny? Danny!
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Danny. Danny.
Danny, what a surprise.
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Hey, good to see you, fella.
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Yeah, I know, I know.
Hard to find words, isn't it, huh?
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Is that's some view,
huh? Look over there.
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Central Park.
Over there, the World Trade Center.
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Down there, Fifth Avenue
from 42 storeys up. Huh?
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See all those little ants
down there? Those are buses.
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Heh, heh, heh.
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Burt.
BURT: What?
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Burt, listen.
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This friend of mine
has a cabin up in the Poconos...
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Hey. You don't leave
that riveting gun there, you jerk.
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What are you
trying to do? Kill somebody?
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Last time somebody left
something like that laying around, it fell.
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Knocked a hole
in a guy's head the size of the Grand Canyon.
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Of course, the size
of the hole in his head was relatively unimportant
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since he went
crashing down 700 feet anyway.
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You should've seen the thing.
What a mess. I mean, picture a watermelon...
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Oh, Burt.
Sorry, Danny. Go ahead, what is it?
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Burt, look.
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This friend of mine
has a cabin up in the Poconos.
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I was wondering, maybe, uh...
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Maybe you'd like to go
up there fishing with me tomorrow, huh?
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Hey, Danny. Danny. Danny.
Oh, Burt.
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Danny, you climbed
all the way up here to ask me to go fishing with you?
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Oh, Danny.
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Danny, Danny,
you make me so happy.
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Am I happy.
Great.
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But I can't go.
What?
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Hey, you with the ponytail.
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Watch it,
you're gonna have no hair, you creep.
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I mean, Chuck's
coming tonight from Hawaii.
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00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:05,992
I mean, can't we make it Saturday?
No, no, no.
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It's gotta be tomorrow.
Well, Danny, I'm sorry.
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I mean, I don't know how I...
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Look, Burt,
tomorrow's the only day
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that my friend will be away.
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Danny, I don't know...
Hey. Hey, you, Pocahontas, over here.
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Put down the binoculars.
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This is for welding here,
not peeping.
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Burt, listen.
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00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:24,438
You and me are going
fishing tomorrow together, huh?
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In the Poconos,
you and me, fishing together, tomorrow.
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Got it?
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Oh, Danny, I'm being
such an idiot.
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For the first time,
my stepson asks me to do something with him,
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and here am I
trying to find reasons why I can't. Hey.
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Danny. Well,
we're going fishing, and we're going tomorrow, huh?
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I mean, after all,
I haven't seen Chuck in 15 years.
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If I don't see him
for one day, it's not going to kill me, is it?
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Hey, hey, you.
What are you, crazy up here?
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[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
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DANNY:
Burt. For Pete's sake.
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DANNY:
Burt.
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00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:58,957
[
]
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Eleven, 16, 21, carry the two.
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00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:10,038
I cannot afford all this, Claire.
You are spending a fortune.
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00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:12,038
Chester, you didn't
answer my question.
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00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:14,357
I asked you if
you talked to Jessica.
186
00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:16,000
Well, of course I talked to Jessica.
187
00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:18,914
Every night when I go home,
I talk to Jessica.
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00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:22,113
What's the matter with you, Claire?
Do I talk to Jessica?
189
00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:24,277
[CHUCKLING]
190
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:28,079
Did you tell Jessica
that you're leaving her, Chester?
191
00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:29,760
What is this?
192
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:34,557
Two thousand dollars
for wallpaper for your apartment?
193
00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:37,639
Yes, Chester.
What are you papering the walls in?
194
00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:39,752
Currency?
195
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:42,993
You know, Chester,
there is a solution to all this.
196
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:45,954
If you leave Jessica
and move in with me, I'll be happier.
197
00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:48,629
And when I'm happier,
I don't spend as much money.
198
00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:50,797
I'm sorry, Claire,
you'll just have to wait.
199
00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:53,516
Wait?
That's right, wait.
200
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:56,514
Remember 10 years ago, Chester?
201
00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:59,120
Remember when you said
you couldn't leave because little Billy
202
00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:01,396
had a perception problem,
and if you left then,
203
00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:04,434
then he might write backwards
for the rest of his life.
204
00:10:04,680 --> 00:10:06,034
So I waited.
205
00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:08,556
And then that cleared up,
and Billy could read
206
00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:11,798
but suddenly Eunice wouldn't
get out of her bathrobe or leave her room
207
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:13,878
and you couldn't leave then.
208
00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:15,156
So I waited.
209
00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:18,115
And then,
as soon as Eunice got dressed,
210
00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:20,960
Corinne stopped eating
and had to be hospitalised
211
00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:24,756
and you couldn't leave
until she was keeping solids down.
212
00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:27,397
And so I waited.
213
00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:30,195
Well, now Billy reads,
Eunice gets dressed,
214
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:33,040
Corinne eats,
and I'm still waiting.
215
00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:34,799
Well, that's it for waiting,
Chester.
216
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:38,038
You are going to leave Jessica now.
You are going to go home
217
00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:42,280
and tell her that you're leaving,
and if you don't, Chester, I will.
218
00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:43,560
[CHUCKLING]
219
00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:45,313
Fine. Go.
220
00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:48,592
I'll do it, Chester. I swear.
221
00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:49,800
Fine. Fine.
222
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:51,957
Do you need directions to the house?
223
00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:56,558
I know where you live, Chester.
Good.
224
00:10:56,760 --> 00:11:00,151
Well, goodbye, Claire.
225
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:03,037
Say hello to Jessica for me.
226
00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:05,714
[CHUCKLES]
227
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:09,750
Go to my house and tell Jessica.
Heh, heh.
228
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:13,711
Never try to bluff a bluffer.
229
00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:15,877
[
]
230
00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:20,480
[
]
231
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:23,240
I'm so excited,
I can hardly contain myself.
232
00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:25,716
After 15 years,
I'm gonna be with my son.
233
00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:28,954
Another son.
Two sons in two weeks, that's a son a week.
234
00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:30,594
I don't know.
235
00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:34,635
Oh, Mary, Mary, Mary,
I'm so excited. I haven't taken a good breath all day.
236
00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:36,877
It's just excitement
because my son is coming.
237
00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:39,037
Either that or a heart attack.
238
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:42,392
Yes. Oh, and
you guys. You guys are gonna love him.
239
00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:44,273
I cant wait, Burt.
240
00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:48,360
I mean, I've always wanted to meet
a Hawaiian ventriloquist.
241
00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:49,630
Well, now you will.
242
00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:52,789
One of the best.
243
00:11:52,976 --> 00:11:54,616
He played all the big rooms
on the island.
244
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:55,960
[DOORBELL RINGS]
245
00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:58,001
That's him. That's him.
Come on, up, he's here.
246
00:11:58,080 --> 00:11:59,594
Get up. There you go.
247
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:01,757
[SINGING IN NORMAL
AND HIGH-PITCHED VOICES]
248
00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:14,069
Yeah.
Ha-ha.
249
00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:16,670
Chuck? Chuck.
CHUCK: Hey, Dad.
250
00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:18,234
BURT:
Chuck.
251
00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:21,600
Did you see that?
Did you see it? Isn't he great?
252
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:23,678
Chuck, I'd like you
to meet my wife, Mary.
253
00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:26,839
And her two boys,
Danny and Jodie. Hi.
254
00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:28,952
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Okay, I don't need this. I'm leaving.
255
00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:30,514
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Well, he didn't see you.
256
00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:33,997
I love that.
I didn't fly 6000 miles to be stiffed.
257
00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:35,475
Isn't that cute? Cute.
258
00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:39,514
I really don't need
this aggravation from the lower-middle class.
259
00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:41,393
Hey.
260
00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:46,713
Dad, could you say hi
to him? I think his feelings are hurt.
261
00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:51,833
Well, sure.
262
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:54,232
Hey, Bob.
Nice to see you again.
263
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,716
Did you ever see
anything like that?
264
00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:00,239
Now apologise.
265
00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:02,318
Apologise?
266
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:04,796
Well, for ignoring him.
267
00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:08,912
I am sorry. I
am really...
268
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:12,431
Hey, Bob. Come on,
Bob. I'm sorry for ignoring you like that.
269
00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:16,475
It's just that I was
so happy to see Chuck here, you know?
270
00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:21,555
Uh, would you like a drink?
271
00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:24,753
Uh, no. Thanks.
Okay, then I'll have one.
272
00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:28,877
Did anyone else notice
I wasn't introduced to the rest of the family?
273
00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:31,713
What is it?
My skin's different?
274
00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:33,479
I'm not good enough?
275
00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:37,280
Oh, of course you are.
276
00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:40,077
Hi, Bob.
277
00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:43,637
I'm Mary.
Hi, Mary.
278
00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:45,433
And this is Danny.
How are you?
279
00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:47,597
Hi, Dan.
And that's Jodie.
280
00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:50,713
BOB:
Hello, Jodie. Hi.
281
00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:01,959
And you get
uncomfortable around homosexuals, huh?
282
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:03,680
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
283
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:06,520
Have an hors d'oeuvre.
I don't eat meat.
284
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,518
Yuck.
I'm gonna love it here.
285
00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:10,720
You know, this is
terrific. How do you make it work?
286
00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:12,109
Get away from me!
Get away...
287
00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:14,437
Take it easy. Take it easy.
Take it easy?
288
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,791
Well, did he look under
your clothes, huh?
289
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,435
Can I look under her skirt?
290
00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:25,676
Bob's a little upset.
He hates to travel.
291
00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:27,712
Drop dead.
292
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:29,270
Got a little plane sick.
293
00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:32,632
What did he do?
Throw up sawdust?
294
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:34,672
[LAUGHING]
295
00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:37,520
Oh, fine. Now
the sissy's starting in.
296
00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:40,758
Hey, my brother
is not a sissy. He's a...
297
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:42,235
BOB:
Ahh!
298
00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:44,759
Bob. Bob.
299
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:46,553
Bob, are you okay?
BOB: Danny hurt me.
300
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:54,190
What is it, Bob?
BOB: My head is stuck.
301
00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:58,117
[GRUNTING]
302
00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:00,313
It's stuck.
BOB: I know that. Help me!
303
00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:02,239
All right, all right.
I'm gonna do it.
304
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:06,112
It's moving.
BOB: Not that way.
305
00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:11,878
Hey, is he okay?
306
00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:13,275
He's fine.
307
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:15,437
Knock on wood.
308
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:17,597
[LAUGHING]
309
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:21,549
Up your kazoo, butterfly.
310
00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:23,399
Hey...
Listen, uh, would you like
311
00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:25,910
to freshen up
a little bit before dinner?
312
00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:27,793
Yeah,
I'd like that. Oh, well, good.
313
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:31,277
You can just go right
upstairs and I'll bring up your stuff in a minute or so.
314
00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:32,755
You can take a shower.
315
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:36,351
All Bob needs
is a little Lemon Pledge.
316
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:39,835
I love Anita Bryant.
317
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:45,957
I love your family.
Oh, this is great.
318
00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:49,073
Your father just
laughs and stutters, the dame just sits,
319
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:53,240
one guy's a fruit and
the other guy's got an IQ slightly higher than kelp.
320
00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:56,478
Oh, it's great.
321
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:03,270
Well, they had a long trip.
322
00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:05,711
I'm sure after
they get washed up and rested,
323
00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:07,877
why, Bob will be
in a much better mood.
324
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:10,759
Burt.
325
00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:13,433
He's a dummy.
326
00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:14,750
BOB:
I heard that!
327
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:16,314
[MUTTERS]
328
00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:18,352
[
]
329
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:22,236
Believe me, Mrs. Tate,
I didn't want to be the one to have to tell you this,
330
00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:26,150
but Chester just hasn't
given me any choice. I'm sorry.
331
00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:29,314
[DOOR THUDS]
332
00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:31,877
Well, well, well,
look who's here.
333
00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:33,799
Glad to see you,
Mr. Tate.
334
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:36,560
Nice to have you
home early. Let me take that from you.
335
00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:39,400
All right, Benson,
you're being too nice.
336
00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:43,196
What's going on?
It's a surprise.
337
00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:47,319
Let me fix you a drink.
338
00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:50,274
Benson, how many times
do I have to tell you I am on a diet?
339
00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:54,269
I don't want a drink.
You're gonna want this one.
340
00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:56,958
I said, no.
341
00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:59,231
Where is Mrs. Tate?
In the dining room.
342
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:03,150
Why don't you pop in
and say hello?
343
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:09,039
[MUTTERING]
344
00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:12,150
Hello, Chester.
I was just leaving.
345
00:17:12,360 --> 00:17:13,999
Well, nice seeing you,
Mrs. Tate.
346
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:18,194
I'm sorry it couldn't
have been under more pleasant circumstances.
347
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:25,950
Jessica...
Chester, I...
348
00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:28,072
I know, horrified.
I... I...
349
00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:29,316
Speechless.
350
00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:32,957
I'm speechless,
Chester, and anguished.
351
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:38,918
I know, I know.
I'm, uh, anguished and speechless.
352
00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:41,635
I wish there were
something I could say.
353
00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:44,309
Well, there's nothing to say, Chester.
Oh, well, of course.
354
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:48,639
I mean, of course words
can't express the, uh... The sorrow.
355
00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:50,638
The tragedy.
356
00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:51,910
Tragedy?
357
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:55,670
Well, maybe tragedy.
Okay, I guess tragedy.
358
00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:58,515
And horror.
Oh, horror, yes.
359
00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:00,552
The horror...
360
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:10,077
I'm sorry, Jess. I'm...
361
00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:13,398
From the bottom of my heart,
I'm sorry you had to hear.
362
00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:17,071
Please, don't apologise, Chester.
Oh, well, I know it's just words...
363
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:19,033
You must promise me
one thing, Chester.
364
00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:20,640
I'll get rid of her, Jess.
365
00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:22,752
You must promise me
not to fire her.
366
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:24,394
Absol...
367
00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:26,276
What?
368
00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:29,320
Well, Chester,
I mean that girl is sick.
369
00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:33,036
She is so far gone already
that something like that
370
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:36,472
might just push her
right over the edge.
371
00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:46,872
Yes, I... I see
what you mean. Yes.
372
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:50,355
JESSICA:
Oh, poor, sad girl.
373
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:54,952
I mean, Chester,
to be so much in love with you
374
00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:58,631
that she's convinced
herself that you feel the same way.
375
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,519
And, Chester, that's not all.
376
00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:06,720
I mean, to believe...
377
00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:09,918
And believe me,
Chester, I mean, she really does believe it,
378
00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:14,194
that you're actually
having an affair with her.
379
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:17,154
The mind, Jess.
380
00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:20,034
The tricks the mind plays.
381
00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:22,960
Poor thing.
Yes.
382
00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:31,193
Well, Chester,
you know, under the circumstances,
383
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:33,995
I mean, it's not
really her fault.
384
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:37,910
I mean, what woman
in the world wouldn't fall in love with you, Chester?
385
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:41,550
Oh, I don't know.
386
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:51,114
Now, I'm going to
go upstairs and draw a nice, hot bath.
387
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:55,872
So you can have
a good, long, relaxing soak before dinner.
388
00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:57,309
Okay?
389
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:02,836
Benson, why are you
standing there with that martini?
390
00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:04,633
I told you I was on the diet.
391
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:10,154
Mr. Tate, I have seen
dumb luck in my time.
392
00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:15,879
I have seen a guy fill an inside
straight flush to beat four aces.
393
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:20,393
I have seen a guy hit
the daily double for two solid weeks.
394
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:21,716
Straight.
395
00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:28,190
But I have never, at no time,
seen nothing like this.
396
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:30,357
[
]
397
00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:37,476
BURT:
Danny, you should've seen the look on your face.
398
00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:40,115
Well, I thought it was a snake.
A snake with leaves?
399
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:42,915
Hey, you know, Danny,
I'm so happy.
400
00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:46,397
Yeah. Me too.
I mean, to have a real buddy.
401
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:49,115
I mean... You know,
I've always been kind of a loner.
402
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:53,109
I don't have a lot of friends,
so to have a buddy who lives in the same house...
403
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:56,597
And now Peter's here.
And Chuck and Bob are here.
404
00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:58,632
Well, I guess it's not fair
to count Bob.
405
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:00,832
He's a... you know,
one of those.
406
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:02,480
Hey, what are you doing?
Don't clean.
407
00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:04,512
I got to.
This place is a mess.
408
00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:05,836
Yeah, leave it, leave it.
409
00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:08,635
Your mother's not here,
we can feel free to be slobs.
410
00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:11,036
Oh, your mother.
Oh, is she happy.
411
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:13,391
Did you see her face
when we left this morning?
412
00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:17,230
There with those
great, big, glistening eyes and that little smile of hers.
413
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:19,875
You know, the one
when she doesn't open her lips.
414
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:22,276
That's her most very,
very, very pleased smile.
415
00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:24,631
The big smile is
her moderately pleased smile.
416
00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:27,196
That little smile,
where she doesn't smile at all,
417
00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:30,871
that is, oddly enough, her most
happy smile. And that was the smile she was smiling this morning.
418
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,160
Danny, what are you doing?
Let's get out on the lake.
419
00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:35,676
I gotta get this stuff out of the way.
Why?
420
00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:36,916
Well, uh...
421
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:40,113
Well, how are we gonna cook fish
if we can't get to the fireplace?
422
00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:41,674
On the stove.
423
00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:45,318
Burt, fish you buy in the store,
you cook on a stove.
424
00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:49,196
Fish you catch,
you cook in a fireplace.
425
00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:52,350
There's nothing here.
426
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:56,116
Yeah. Well, I mean, ashes,
but, Danny, that' s normal for a fireplace.
427
00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:57,436
Funny guy.
428
00:21:57,640 --> 00:22:00,600
Funny guy. Come on, Dan.
Let's get out on the lake, see how they're hitting.
429
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:03,634
Tonight we get a fish fry for...
430
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:08,399
Uh, Danny?
431
00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:10,996
Uh, Danny, where are you, Danny?
432
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,317
DANNY:
I'm... I'm up here.
433
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:17,276
Danny, uh,
what are you doing up the chimney?
434
00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:19,039
Cleaning out the flue.
435
00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:21,994
Cleaning out the flue?
436
00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:23,634
Funny guy.
Walks into a cabin,
437
00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:26,400
goes right up the chimney,
cleans out a flue.
438
00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:28,600
Eh, that could be
a safety precaution. I don't know.
439
00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:29,720
[THUD]
440
00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:31,280
DANNY: Hey, don't touch that.
BURT: What is it?
441
00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:33,790
DANNY: Nothing. Just leave it alone.
It just fell down the chimney.
442
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:35,639
I know it fell.
Yeah, what's in it?
443
00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:38,480
Nothing. I need it,
though. Give it to me, Burt.
444
00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:40,797
I found it.
All right. All right, all right.
445
00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:44,036
From the looks of this place,
it's probably garbage.
446
00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:45,640
Funny, you think
you know somebody.
447
00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:48,753
At home, your room's
a mess, you throw food all over the kitchen.
448
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:52,078
We go away for the
weekend, you turn out to be Louis Pasteur.
449
00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:54,920
Hey, Danny,
you're full of surprises.
450
00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:01,116
Uh, Danny, that's a gun.
Put it down, that's dangerous.
451
00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:05,709
Uh, Danny,
what are you doing? You're pointing a gun at me.
452
00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:07,195
I'm gonna kill you, Burt.
453
00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:08,470
Pfft. Heh-heh.
454
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:10,797
That's funny. Oh.
455
00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:14,037
[
]
456
00:23:17,360 --> 00:23:18,360
[
]
457
00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:21,592
ANNOUNCER:
Will Claire come up with a new planto force Chester into leaving Jessica?
458
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:23,678
Will Chester leave Jessica?
459
00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:26,679
If he does, will Jessica know it?
460
00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:30,920
Will The Major continue fightingWorld War II single-handedly?
461
00:23:31,120 --> 00:23:35,273
Will Bob, the wooden doll,relax and enjoy his staywith the Campbells,
462
00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:37,358
or will he continue to act warped?
463
00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:39,916
Now that Dannyhas the gun in his hand,
464
00:23:40,120 --> 00:23:41,998
will he pull the triggerand kill Burt?
465
00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:46,717
And if he does, will Burtfinally stop laughingand take him seriously?
466
00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:48,991
These questions and otherswill be answered
467
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:52,716
on next week's episode of Soap.
468
00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:00,517
[
]
469
00:24:00,567 --> 00:24:05,117
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