All language subtitles for Soap s01e03.eng

[

ANNOUNCER:
This is the story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.

Jessica lives in a neighbourhood
known as rich.

Jessica likes life.

The only thing about life
she would change, if she could,

is that she would
set it all to music.

The Tates have more secrets
than they do money.

We're approaching
Mary Campbell's house.

Mary, too, likes life.

Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be
too crazy about her.

As you can see,
the Campbells don't have

nearly as much money
as the Tates.

They do, however,
have as many secrets.

In last week's episode of Soap,
we discovered that not only Jessica

and her daughter are having an affair
with Peter, the tennis pro,

but that Peter is Burt Campbell's
long-lost son.

As for Burt Campbell,
Mary's second husband,

he is so overwhelmed by guilt
for having murdered Mary's first husband,

he can no longer
make love to her.

But this is nothing, because Burt
doesn't know that Mary's son Danny,

in order to leave the Mob, has to
kill the man who killed his father.

Danny doesn't know that
that man is Burt yet.

Mary's other son, Jodie,
is contemplating becoming her daughter.

Life is also not exactly a bed of roses
for Jessica's husband, Chester.

His affair with his secretary, Claire,
has become complicated

by the fact that
she is now blackmailing him.

Confused? You won't be after
this week's episode of Soap.

We begin this week's
episode of Soap

shortly after Peter's arrival
at the Tate home.

I just can't believe it!

I cannot believe it.

I mean, it's such a small,
small world. I can't get over it.

I mean, my long-lost son
from Hawaii

comes to Connecticut
and winds up teaching

my sister-in-law
and her daughter tennis.

Bet that ain't all he teaches.

And then, and this is
really incredible,

my sister-in-law
and her daughter don't know

they have the same
tennis teacher.

Plus, which he doesn't know,
they're mother and daughter. Pfft!

I'm not finished with that,
Benson.

And then... And then
to top it all off,

no one, but no one knows
he's my son. Pfft!

So what, Burt?

So it's a small, small world,
and I can't get over it, can you?

Yes.

Colonel, where's
General Eisenhower? Wasn't he invited?

Where in the world is Jessica?

In my kitchen, and I wish she
would get the hell out of there.

I'll get her, Chester.
Eat your dinner.

Benson, I am not finished.

Jessica?
Oh, hello, Mary,

could I get you something?

Jessie, you can't hide
in the kitchen all night.

Hide? Who's hiding?

I am helping Benson
make a souffl? for dessert.

Uh-uh, uh-uh. Forget it.
I ain't making no souffl?.

I told you I ain't making
no souffl? for these animals.

The way they eat, I ought to just
shove the food in under the door.

And you see, for a souffl?,
of course, you have to beat

the egg whites and the
egg yolks separately,

Therefore, you need
two people, Mary.

I mean, one to beat the whites
and one to beat the yolks. I'm beating the whites.

Oh, yeah? Well, there's
a whole table of them in there I'd like to help you with.

Jessie, I know.

And if you don't come out,
everyone's going to be suspicious.

Oh, Mary, I'm so
ashamed I could die.

Do you realise what I've done?
I've had an affair with my nephew.

I think that's against the law.

He's not your nephew.

I mean, I just got used to adultery
and now I have to get used to, uh...

Incest.

Benson, he is not related to us.
He is my stepson.

Oh, Mary,

I've never done this
before, ever. I...

See, what it was, was...

I was lonely.

I mean, uh, Chester's never here,
and then the kids are never here,

and I've done all the clever things
I could with shelving paper, and, uh...

So, Mary, I did that.

But I'm never gonna
do it again, Mary. Ever.

Okay, Jessie. Okay.

Come on out, now.

If you stay in here,
Chester will become suspicious.

Oh, my God! Chester.
I have to tell him.

Mary, I have to tell
Chester what I've done.

Are you crazy?
No, it's the right thing to do.

It's the stupid thing to do.

I'm going to tell him.

All right, Jessie.
I was never gonna tell you this,

but poor, sweet Chester has been...
Hm?

How do I put this?
Jumping on anything that breathes?

[LAUGHS]

I wasn't gonna put it
quite that way.

Oh, sweet, adorable Mary.

I mean, you'd just do
anything to keep me from telling him.

Even to making up that
outrageous lie about Chester.

Hi, Ma. Hi, Aunt Mary.
JESSICA: Oh, hello darling.

Can I have the keys
to the car? It's locked.

But you don't drive, dear.

I don't want them for driving.
I want them for parking.

The car is parked already.

Look, Ma. Can I just
have the keys?

I got my date outside
and we just want to sit in it.

But, dear,
you can invite her in.

I mean, she doesn't
have to sit in the car.

She likes sitting in cars.

Ma, we're just gonna listen
to the tape deck and talk. I promise.

Oh, well, all right.
Here you are.

Thanks, Ma. Bye, Aunt Mary.
MARY: Bye.

Ah, children. I mean,
you work, work, work to give them a beautiful house,

and then they just
want to sit in the car.

Jessica?
Oh. Mary.

Well, this is a fine how-do-you-do.

You invite your insane family
over for dinner,

and I'm the one
who's stuck with them.

Now, Jessica, either you get out
of this kitchen and come inside, or I am sending everyone home.

Send them home.

Shut up, Benson.

I will, when you send them home.

Well, Jessica?

What were the choices again?

Come on, Jessica.

It's a small, small world
and I can't get over it.

Why don't you try, Burt?

[LAUGHS]

You know, it's funny.
I've been thinking about taking tennis lessons.

Get your hands off
my son, you fruit.

My brother is not a fruit!

JESSICA:
Oh, Mary!

Boys! Stop it! That's enough.
JESSICA: Mary!

I am not cleaning this.
Ain't no way I'm gonna clean this.

Burt, stop this, you idiot! Oh!

Medic, medic! I've been shot.

Drop that, you thug.

Good night, Uncle Chester.
I had a wonderful time.

I've had it. I've had it
with all of you. You are never coming here again!

Terrific. Nothing could
suit me better.

Slobs.

Slobs? Slobs? Heh-heh-heh.

I'm a slob? Look at you.

You've got cranberry sauce
all over your shirt.

Out! Out!

[

Burt, are you asleep?

Are you kidding? With that
racket going on next door?

Burt, we don't even try anymore.

Why don't we try?

1:00 in the morning
and that's going on.

There's nothing going on
next door, Burt.

What, are you joking? You don't
hear that? Farkus and his wife?

Is it that you're not
attracted to me? Is that it?

I think he hit her.

There's nothing
going on next door, Burt.

Did you hear that smack?
Didn't that smack sound just like a hit?

I didn't hear a hit, Burt.

I didn't hear a smack
and I didn't hear a hit.

[MOUTHING]

What?
I was testing. You didn't hear that?

Burt...
Mary, Mary, I think you should

have your ears checked.
It's probably just wax, but I would have them checked anyway.

Burt, what is it? Is it that
you're not attracted to me?

No. It's a temporary thing.
It'll go away.

It happens to men.

It's been six months.

Oh, wonderful, wonderful.
Put pressure on me, Mary, it'll never happen.

Pressure? We've never even
talked about it.

I just don't think we can
let this go on forever.

Oh, time.
Now we have time limits?

If there's one thing that
doesn't help, it's time limits.

Darling, maybe you
ought to see a psychiatrist.

Now I'm crazy, right?
All of a sudden, I'm some kind of nut.

No, darling, I just thought maybe
it might help to talk to someone...

Did you hear them? Quiet.
Human beings are trying to sleep up here!

Burt, are you having an affair?

God, Mary, no!
Because it's normal, darling.

A chance encounter,
a few glorious stolen moments,

and sometimes,
life can be all the richer for it.

So if you're having an affair,
you can tell me.

I'll understand.
Mary, I swear it. There's no one.

Good. Because if you were,
I'd rip your heart out.

Mary, how could you think that,
even for a minute?

Burt, I bought something today.

I think it might help. Now...

Don't let the title
frighten you.

The Cookbook of Sex?

I know.
I wish they hadn't called it that.

But, look, it's written by an M.D.
Recipes? He gives recipes?

Mary, you actually
paid money for this?

Well, yes.

I mean, I've tried everything.

I've tried short nightgowns,
long nightgowns,

new nightgowns, no nightgowns.

I have powdered myself,
perfumed myself.

Bees are attracted to me
and you're not.

Mary, Mary, don't cry.

Please, honey, don't cry.
Please, don't cry.

I just feel awful.

Sweetheart, it's not you,
I swear it. I...

Look, I...

Bzz. Bzz.

I love you,
and you're all I want.

I promise you,
if things don't change,

I'll get some help.
I promise. Okay?

Bzz.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Try and get some sleep, Mary.

Look at that.

I mean, that's a total
impossibility.

I mean, the Flying Wallendas,
at the height of their career,

couldn't get
into a position like that.

[

[

Claire! What are you doing,
calling me at home?

For crying out loud, Claire,
it's 1:00 in the morning.

I can't come over.

All right, Claire.
All right. I'll come over.

I'll think of a way. Goodbye.

Who's laughing?

Benson, is that you laughing?

Oh!

What?
I was just surprised to see you.

I live here.

No, I mean still up.

I thought maybe
you had gone to sleep by now.

I had a business call.

Chester, I have a confession
to make. I, uh...

Chester, please sit down.

What is it, Jessica?

Chester, when people
have been married a long time,

they spend a lot of time
together,

and so then they get
kind of used to each other.

And then, of course, on the other
hand, they spend a lot of time apart,

and so they don't see
each other very much.

So sometimes
they tend to get lonely,

and sometimes, Chester,
despite themselves,

they seek some
little comfort elsewhere.

And so, Chester,
what I'm trying to say is that

sometimes home cooking is boring,
and sometimes the kitchen is closed.

And so, sometimes
one goes out to eat.

Jessica!
Oh, Chester.

Jessie!

Oh, dear God, Jessica!
You're not saying...

I am.

After all these years,
I thought I knew you.

I know, Chester, I know.
How could you?

I don't know, Chester.
I don't know.

How could you?
How could you? Even for a minute.

Oh, I'm sorry, Chester.

How could you think,
even for a second, that I would be unfaithful?

Huh?

Do you think our marriage
means nothing to me, Jessica?

Do you think I took
those vows lightly?

I don't believe this.
To accuse me of...

No, no, no, Chester.
I didn't accuse you.

Please, Jessica,
you did accuse me.

No, Chester, I, uh...
Unfaithful!

Me? Jessica,

may I lose the use of the entire
right side of my body

if ever I have so much
as looked at another woman.

May my postnasal drip
back up and drown my brain

if ever I have been
unfaithful to you.

Chester, where are you going?
Out.

You've gotten me
much too upset to sleep.

[

Hold it!

Put that down.

You understand, don't you,
that this is the last food fight?

I'm making you
a promise right now.

If I ever see one speck of food
anywhere except on a plate,

I am leaving for good.

Clean up this mess.

You want a fresh cup of coffee?
I think you got some banana in yours.

Yeah, thanks.

You know, I think
she's really serious.

Yeah, me too.

You see, oddly enough,
the thing is, I don't actually hate you.

I'm not too crazy about you,
but I don't hate you.

It's not even dislike.

I don't dislike you.
Not that I like you, don't get me wrong, I don't like you.

But I probably could like you
if we didn't hate each other so much.

The thing is,
I don't know why you hate me.

You know something,
neither do I.

I mean, I've thought
about it a lot too.

I've tried coming up with reasons,
but there aren't any.

I just look at you
and I hate your guts.

Yeah, well,
I can understand that.

But you know something?
You've never really done anything.

Danny, it's okay.
Don't worry about it.

I just don't want you to take
the fact that I hate you personally.

I don't. I don't, really.
Danny, I know I annoy you.

I can be a very annoying person.

Like the way I'm always
telling you to leave the Mob.

I mean, if you want to ruin your life
working for a bunch of gangsters...

Well, the fact is,
I'm leaving the Mob.

Danny, that's... When?

Well, soon. There's something
they want me to do for them, and then I can go.

What do you gotta do?

Nothing. It's just a thing.
I don't even know all the details yet.

Yeah, well, if I can help,
just say the word.

Yeah, Danny, really.

Thanks.

Well, I gotta go. I got a meeting.
We'll see you later?

Right. Bye, Burt.

Bye, Danny.

Burt...

have a nice day.

You too.

Hey, come on.

I'd say things are definitely
improving here.

Danny and I are
becoming buddies.

You know, you go
fishing with a buddy.

And my son Peter is here.
We could go fishing.

Peter could go fishing with
Danny and me. The three of us could go fishing.

Peter, Danny and me.

And Mary could come.
It'd be just like a real family.

I better buy four
new fishing poles.

Why four new fishing poles, Burt?

I mean, aren't you going
to invite me? I love to fish.

Oh, this is very nice, Burt.
Ever think of wearing a bib when you eat?

Go away from me, fruit.

"Fruit"! Wonderful.

You've agreed
to stop throwing it.

Don't you think you could
agree to stop saying it?

Can't the two of you
work things out?

Hey, I'd be very willing,
except there's one slight problem.

The man hates me.

He doesn't hate you.

You don't hate him.
Well, close.

Why?
I don't know.

It's because I'm gay.
Right, Burt?

I mean, you hate me
because I'm gay. Right?

Well?

I guess if you need a reason,
that's a good one.

Burt, it's a terrible reason.
I mean, look at me.

I'm a person.

Burt, look at him.

[MOUTHING]

Ugh.

He gives me the creeps.

Burt, what do you mean,
I give you the creeps?

I don't know. You're spooky.

He is not spooky.
I do not find him in the least spooky.

Yeah, well, maybe you're used to it.

Burt, just think of me
as a person, that's all.

I mean, that's all I am.
I'm a person sitting here.

Burt, look at me.
I'm a person...

who happens to like men.

[WHIMPERS]

MARY: Burt!
Now, wait a minute.

I don't know. I mean, it's...
It's hard, this gay business. I'm not used to it.

I mean, all my life,
I was never around them.

When I was growing up,
gay meant happy.

I mean, it's just hard
to get used to.

And life was a lot easier then.

I mean, maybe when you
guys were still in the closet,

maybe it wasn't easy on you,
but it was a hell of a lot easier on us.

I mean, used to be, you walked
down the street, a guy smiled, you smiled back.

Today you smile back,
either you're arrested or invited dancing.

So it takes getting used to.
It's hard getting used to a guy

who likes guys and not girls.

And now you're gonna
get a sex-change operation and be a girl.

Now I gotta get used to
a guy who is now a girl

who likes guys and not girls,
who used to be a guy who liked guys and not girls.

[MUTTERS]

But I'll try.

From now on, I'll try
to look at you as a person.

And I'll try and look at you
the same way.

[

Danny? Danny.
Come in, come in.

Afternoon, Godfather.

Ah, Danny, sit down.
The food is getting cold.

Godfather, I've given it
a lot of thought...

Not until you taste this, Danny.

Just wait until you taste this.

Oh, no, thanks.
I'm not really very hungry.

Danny, this restaurant
belongs to my mother.

If you don't eat,
she'll kill me, huh?

Okay, but just a little.
All right.

You're gonna love this.
You're gonna love it.

Godfather, I've thought
it over, and I've decided to take the contract.

How is that, huh?

Oh, it looks great. I love chicken.

That's eel.

It's good, eh? Huh?

Ah! Yes.

And now, I want you to try
some of this linguini.

I swear it's better than sex.

You know, I'm not particularly crazy
about the idea of killing a man.

Who is?

I mean, I have a tough time
killing a bug.

But I think if I have to kill
somebody, I can kill the man who killed my father.

No, Danny. No, no.

You gotta twirl the linguini
around the spoon like this.

Danny, you can't sit there
with the linguini hanging out of your mouth.

You look like, uh,

a demented walrus.

[CHUCKLES]

That's better.

So now will you tell me
who killed my father?

Okay. I'm gonna tell you.
The man who killed your father was...

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

Some surprise, eh?

What? I didn't hear what you said.

I said, some surprise, eh?

No, the name.
Oh.

Your stepfather.

What about my stepfather?

He's the one.
Burt?

Oh, yes, Burt.
Oh, come on. Be serious.

Oh, you think I make it up,
huh, Danny?

You think I make up a story
your stepfather kills your father and now you gotta...

Hey, Shakespeare maybe makes up
bad stories like that. I don't, Danny.

But why would he kill my father?

Because your father was trying
to run him out of business.

If I was Burt,
I would do the same thing.

Now, I love your father,
Danny, but a sweet man?

No.

I can't believe this.

Oh. In the meantime,
the saltimbocca is ice-cold, Danny.

Burt?
Yes, Burt. Now, look, look.

You didn't touch a thing.
My mother is gonna kill me.

Burt Campbell killed my father?

There are two things in this life
that my mother can't stand to see.

A guest host on the Tonight Show
and food left on a plate.

Huh?

Maybe it was another
Burt Campbell. It's a common name.

Danny, it was him.
He was the one.

No, hey, this is for you.

There's a gun in there.

Oh, and what did you think
would be in there, spumoni to go, eh?

Come on, Danny.

I can't do it.

I beg your pardon.

I mean, you're talking about
the man my mother loves. I can't kill him.

Yes, you can.
No, I can't.

Yes, you can.
No, I can't.

Yes, you can.
No, I can't.

Yes, you... What is this,
a musical? Yes, you can.

And I'm a gonna tell you
how you can

by letting you know
what's gonna happen if you can't.

If you can't, we gonna kill you.

As they say in Italiano:

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

What's that mean?
Boy, are you in it!

[

ANNOUNCER:
Will Burt and Danny become friends, or will Danny kill Burt,

thus putting somewhat of a strain
on their relationship?

Will Jodie get
a sex-change operation?

Will Corrine and Jessica find out

that not only do they have
the same tennis teacher,

but that neither of them
are learning to play tennis?

Will Jessica be able to stop?

Will Burt be able to start?

These questions and many others

will be answered
on the next episode of Soap.

[

[

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0