All language subtitles for Slutever s01e05 Kinky Travel.eng

Sex is an important part
of being a human being.

We are not talking about sex
in the trans community.

When people in our
community say,

"Don't ask me
about my genitals,"

I have to disagree, and I want
to talk about my genitals

because I live an amazing
life with a vagina.

[ Cheers and applause ]

**

Karley:
I love talking to my girlfriends about sex stuff.

It's like a sewing circle,
but for sluts.

[ Telephone rings ]
Oh, that must be one of my slutty friends now.

Nomi: Hey, girl.
It's Nomi.

You know what we don't talk
about enough?

-What?
-Sex in the trans community.

True.

I wonder why.

**

I'm not transgender
and therefore cannot speak

to the trans experience.

But as a sex-positive,
slut-positive feminist,

I've always found
talking openly

about sex extremely
valuable and fun.

My friend Nomi Ruiz
is a singer, performer,

and an outspoken voice
in the trans community.

I really appreciate you
talking to me about sex

because it's
my favorite subject.

Oh, my God. Mine too.
That's why we get along so well.

Sex is a big part of my brand.
It's a big part of my message.

It's a big part
of my music and my art.

I would love to, like,
see it more in pop culture

and people having more fun
with conversations with it

and, like,
not taking it so serious

and just, like,
having fun with sex. I agree.

Last year, I interviewed Nomi
in an article for Vogue,

where she described
her experience

going through gender
confirmation surgery

and how it affected
her sex life.

How do you think
the conversation around sex

within the trans
community has evolved

over the past
handful of years?

We've really made
a big impact on culture,

which is amazing.

At the same time,
in Hollywood,

they have been exploiting
the trans narrative.

When people think of
Laverne Cox

and other prominent trans
people were saying,

"Stop talking about surgery,
stop talking about sex,"

did you agree
with them to a degree?

Your private parts
are different now, aren't they?

I don't want to talk about it
because it's really personal.

The preoccupation with
transition, with surgery,

objectifies trans people,

and then we don't get
to really deal

with the real
lived experiences,

the reality of trans
people's lives.

I feel that, you know,
my community has done a lot

to create boundaries
with society

that let people know they don't
have access to our bodies

and that we are entitled
to our privacy,

and we shouldn't
be objectified.

If you wouldn't ask
that to, like...

-Tom Cruise.
-...Nicole Kidman, yeah,

then why would you feel like you
have access to that information?

But, at the same time,
I feel like those boundaries

have made it a little difficult
to talk about sex and sexuality.

Not talking about
something sometimes

makes it feel shameful,
and it isn't.

And so, somehow, we have to,
like, break the barrier

because there is a time
and place to talk about sex.

It's okay
to talk about sex.

It should be your choice.
It should be...

You know, you should be
in control of that dialogue

and that narrative.

Sluts.
Sluts for life.

[ Laughs ]

Karley: Clear boundaries
have been set

in regard
to conversations around sex

in order to respect the privacy
of transgender people,

but there is a movement
within the trans community

to open up a dialogue
around sex and sexuality

in a respectful, healthy way.

So I came to LA to meet
Cameron and Aly,

a couple who have a particularly
unique personal story.

Hey.
Hi, how are you?

Hi.
Come on in.

Thank you.

I was born in the same town
Cameron is from.

Small world.
I know.

But that's not
how you met, right?

-No.
-No. Not at all.

We actually met through
social media initially.

-Millennial.
-Yeah.

Yeah.
It was Instagram, actually.

We started
following each other.

I remember I got
that message from you.

The modern-day rom-com,
like, "I slid into your DMs."

Seriously.
Slid into the DMs.

[ Laughs ]

You should make breakfast.

You can help me.

Well, we'll make it
together.

Yeah, buddy.

How would you like
your eggs?

Scrambled.

Things don't always,
you know,

appear as they are
at first glance.

A stranger would maybe assume
that we were cis and straight.

We do receive that
cis-hetero-passing privilege,

and we should be bringing
to light the fact

that
we're actually trans,

and then we've had, you know,
surgeries and whatnot,

so we can kind of challenge
people's perceptions

and assumptions.

Aside from, like,
the serendipity of meeting each other,

both being trans,
both being from the same place,

you guys also were going through
the experience of surgery

at almost
exactly the same time.

Yeah, it's crazy that,
within months of each other,

we had surgery.

It also seems like
a very difficult

and intense time
in your lives.

I don't think there was a lot
of difficulty for me, at least.

We had different surgeries,
right, and so just, for me,

like,
adjusting to a new body,

which I talked
before with you,

yeah, it's --
I mean, you change.

You change physically.

It's something that takes
time to adjust.

10 --
T-minus 10, 9...

Put extra love into it,
babe.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Microwave beeps ]

Yes.

There's been changes in our
intimacy as far as, like, sex.

Before, I was awkward
because I wasn't comfortable

with what I had,
and then now I'm awkward

because I don't know
what to do with what I have.

I think that's been
a difficult part.

Why did you guys think it was
important to talk publicly

about your relationship
and your sexuality?

I wanted to just talk
about it and, like,

so someone
doesn't feel alone.

Like, they might be
feeling like,

"Oh, I'm a freak.
I can't figure out my body."

They're not alone.

Yeah, I think it's just great
to bring visibility

to all the different kinds
of trans experiences out there.

I mean, there's not just
one way to be trans.

It's important to just shed
light on all the different,

you know, ways that trans
people can be sexual.

[ Laughs ]

It's painful.
It's really painful.

Yeah,
I'd be scared of that.

Gender is all
socially constructed.

People are so hung up on it,
and it's all bullshit.

I remember you said, "Oh, I
don't like oral sex from guys."

And I didn't even realize it was
just because the guys sucked.

Karley:
Cameron and Aly have supported each other through recovery

after their
gender-confirming surgeries.

But of course they each had
their own unique experience.

Today,
Cameron is getting back

to his regular
iron-pumping routine,

so I am joining him
at the gym

to sit on the sidelines
in a leather skirt

and lazily watch him sweat.

I honestly identified
as a butch lesbian for, like,

the first 25 years
or so of my life.

And, also,
I'm a very physical person.

I was a semi-professional
rugby player at one point.

My journey, discovering
my trans identity,

came during the years
that I was playing rugby.

The fitter I am,
the better I pass.

And is this the first time
you're working out?

Yeah, 7 weeks post-op,
and this is the first time

I've been back in a gym,
so it feels really good.

You got top surgery.

Yes.

Can you explain
what that means?

My surgeon was able to reduce
the size of my breast tissue,

and he did a procedure where he
actually kept the blood supply

and the nerve ending
attached to the nipples,

and then made them
more cis-looking,

which means smaller
and farther out to the side.

I feel much more
comfortable in my skin now

after having top surgery.

I would oftentimes wear shirts
or tank tops during sex,

never be completely
naked with your partner.

And now I can be, so that's,
like, another level of intimacy

that you can achieve,
right?

You know, fuck
having tits, right?

It's like...
[ Laughs ]

Do you identify
as a straight man?

To be technical,
it is heterosexual

because I'm attracted
to the opposite,

but I say, overall,
I identify as trans queer

because I still want to honor
my queer experience of,

you know, those 25 years of
being a stone-cold butch dyke.

It just
is so complicated.

It feels like, at a point
with sexuality and gender,

it's, like, should we just,
like, have no labels

because
it's, like, too much.

Gender is all socially
constructed anyway,

so it's all bullshit.

People
are so hung up on it,

and it's so important
to just realize, like,

the fluidity of people's
gender expression

and then their sexuality,

and it so beautifully
evolves for a lot of us.

It's not just fixed
in one way.

Karley: For Cameron, surgery has
increased his confidence

and his ability
to be intimate.

But the process of recovery
can be complex.

Aly: I had my surgery
about 7 months ago.

Everybody just thinks like,
"Oh, a penis or, like,

a clitoris are not the same,"
but they're very similar.

And so they just, like, reshape
it and, like, reposition, right?

There's a very physical process
that you have to go

through in recovery
to surgery, right?

Mm-hmm.
There's a muscle in that area.

That muscle is not used
to having a cavity,

so if you don't
keep it open, it'll close.

So it's really
important to dilate.

You have to dilate
every day.

Can you explain
what dilation is?

So you pretty much get this
silicone rod dildo-type thing.

It's not as erotic
as it sounds.

It's just really hard.

Do you want to see them?

Yeah.

It's made perfectly
to fit,

and it has little dots
to indicate the size.

They're a little thicker
at the ends,

but they're
all the same length.

I started with this one.
This is the one I learned with.

My depth
is about right here.

And then this one, I'm terrified
of just because it...

I mean, it's not that thick,
but it looks...

Yeah,
I'd be scared of that.

It looks big.
It's painful.

It's really painful,
and your nerves,

they become numb
from kind of the trauma

they go through,
and they start coming back,

and it hurts like hell.

There's depression too.

I'm still depressed,
I feel,

and I didn't think
I would be depressed.

You would think that
I'd be really happy, and...

What do you think
the depression is from?

As a trans woman, I guess
I have expectations for myself

that I've created
since I was very little

of what
I want to look like.

I thought, "Once I get surgery,
I'll be happy,"

but I'm still not.

Do other people in the community
or other trans women

who have gone through surgery
talk about something similar?

So when I looked online to see
if it had the information

regarding
post-op about sex,

about post-op life,
it was really hard to find.

There seemed to be kind of,
like, shame

and kind of a stigma
to talk about it.

It takes a lot
of courage for Aly

to open up about how she's still
struggling after her surgery.

It reminds me
of what Nomi said

about going through
similar struggles.

When I decided to have my
surgery, I just felt so isolated

and so alone,
and I was, like, terrified.

There was just so much
that I didn't expect, you know,

and it's been
a learning process.

Still, to this day, I'm learning
more and more and more.

If we just talk about it more,
I think it doesn't have to be

so isolating and so scary.

What do you want to say to
young women of trans experience

about sex
and about sexuality

that you wish someone had
told you when you were younger?

I feel like a lot of girls
going through this journey

blame their body, or, like,
they blame their trans-ness.

I remember there was this
one guy going down on me

for, like, an hour,

and I'm trying to get into it
because I'm like,

"I have to enjoy this.
It would suck if I don't."

And I'm like, "It's a disaster.
I can't focus. I'm in pain."

I'm just like, "What is...
something..."

And I would blame it
on myself.

And I didn't even realize it was
just because the guy sucked.

And then, like, when I kept,
you know, trying,

and I met something
that was amazing,

it was,
of course, heavenly.

Oh, it's real.
It's so real.

That's what I want to share
with other people.

There is, like, a beautiful
light at the end of the tunnel.

It's liberating to a woman
who has been forced

to have this open mind
with sex

and sexuality and gender
and the human body.

It's sexy, you know.

I think so.
I think so too.

Sluts!
[ Laughs ]

It was embarrassing to be
a man with a vagina.

And there were my fingers,
inside of me,

and I had the most
amazing orgasm of my life.

Karley: Few people have
advocated for the importance

of an open
conversation around sex

in the trans community
more than Buck Angel.

Buck is an LGBTQ activist,
a sex educator,

a sex-toy inventor,
and a pornographer.

Respect.

Karley: Do you think that now
we're finally getting to a point

where the idea
of transsexuality

is something
that we can talk about,

and people are
more accepting of?

No. I don't think so.
[ Laughs ] No.

I tend to be one of
the only people

out there really pushing
for talking about,

you know, sex within
the trans community,

and I get a lot of pushback
from parts of this community,

of the trans community, that I
don't speak for the community.

I don't speak for
anybody but myself.

Some of us choose to talk
about our genitals,

and some of us don't.

But I think, by not having
the conversation,

we have shut down
our own needs

and our own desires
and our own self-awareness.

Buck also holds
workshops to promote

an open conversation
around sex.

And, tonight, he's invited me

to join one of his
candid group hangs.

I started my workshops because
I wanted to start to help guys

to figure out
how to get to that

next level of accepting
your body sexually

and actually
engaging physically.

Hi, everybody.

Thanks for coming.

It's so awesome that
you guys all showed up.

[ Laughs ]

Sex is an important part
of being a human being,

and one of the things
that totally changed my life

was learning how
to have sex in my body,

which was the body
I hated most of my life.

So I started to have
to think to myself,

"Will I be a man
with my vagina?"

because the world
says no.

So this is exactly how
I decided not to get a penis --

masturbation.

One day, in my secret
little masturbation club

that I would have at home
under my covers,

I would jack off.

And there I was,
jacking off all crazy,

and then my fingers
slipped inside of me,

and I had never been
penetrated before.

Never wanted to.

That felt very feminine
to me.

It felt like it was
woman's stuff,

and I'm not interested
in that.

And there were my fingers,
inside of me,

and I had the most
amazing orgasm of my life

that I will never forget.

That is definitely
when the clouds parted,

and I was like,
"I saw God,"

and I was like, "And why would
I get rid of my vagina?"

Now, I don't want you to think
that my whole process in that

is to discourage people from
having surgery because it isn't.

My message
is to be yourself.

If you want to have
bottom surgery, do it.

If you don't, no.

But the point is is that I live
an amazing life with a vagina.

When I used to go
to trans support groups,

the most important question
that the facilitator

had said one day is like,

"What you need
to ask yourself is,

'When is it going
to be enough?'" Right.

"'When are you going to
be enough?'" Right.

Because, yeah,
it could be XYZ,

and you're still not happy,
so...

Happiness comes from inside.

Exactly.
That's the key.

It's so simple.

Like, this is your journey.
Do it your way.

Like, I'm not on testosterone,
and I'm comfortable with that,

and guys ask me all the time,
"Yo, bro, like,

how did you
get that beard?"

And I'm like, "Oh, well,
I went another route,"

because a lot of bros
don't know

you can have beard
transplant surgery.

There are options that
you can do for yourself.

You don't have to compare
and contrast

yourself to other people.
Every single one of us in this room

have been brainwashed to feel
gender is a certain way,

"You don't have a penis,
you're not a man."

That's controlling.

With that said, a lot of
trans men are not at the level

I'm at with my vagina.

So what I said to myself was,
"How do I get trans men

to feel comfortable
in their bodies?"

So I kept thinking, "How can
I get them, how can I get them,"

and I'm like, "A toy."

This is the very first
transgender male sex toy

in the world.

So I designed it specifically
to have the look

of a penis a little bit,
right?

So this fits over top
of the clitoris like that,

so now when you're masturbating,
what are you doing?

You're jacking off.

So instead of touching
your vagina,

you're jacking off
like a guy.

So that was an amazing thing,
to be able to create a product

that gave men permission
to masturbate

and gave men permission
to say,

"My body is okay,
and I'm okay."

So I have guys writing me
now and saying,

"I don't even use it anymore.
I now touch myself."

That, to me,
is everything.

If you do not love your body and
you don't understand your body,

however your body is,
nobody else will love your body.

I equate a lot of myself
and my confidence to sex,

and it's why I like
to talk about sex

and why I think, within
the trans community,

we better start
to talk about sex.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I thank you guys.
I appreciate it.

Karley: Buck's talk was such
a great experience.

It was really clear how
important his work is to people.

I just think that
it's so healthy for people

to talk about sex in, like,
such a raw and honest way, like,

whether you're trans
or not trans.

People are looking
for an opportunity

to have that conversation,
and him being so open about it

is really giving
people permission

to start talking about that.

What up, bro?
Nice to meet you finally.

It's kind of been, like, taboo
to talk about sex

within the trans community.

So with Buck inviting
this conversation, it's like,

"Wow. Okay.

It is uncomfortable.
It's different.

We're different,
but we're valued, we're human,

and we deserve
the right to have sex."

Sex is fun.
Yeah. It's great. I love it.

Aly: As a person,
I finally feel free.

I feel liberated, but I don't
feel that way around sex.

**

Aly:
When it came to transitioning,

I've never thought
about my sexuality.

I've transitioned for myself.

But being post-op, I want to
feel pleasure with my partner.

Karley:
How would you say that the way that you guys are intimate

with each other
has changed as you've gone

through these parts
of your transition together?

As a person, I feel free.

I finally free.

I feel liberated,
but I don't feel that way

around sex right now.

Do you have goals
for your sex life?

I have a goal I guess just to
be comfortable with my body

so I could just be
as freaky as possible... [ Laughs ]

...without feeling
uncomfortable.

You know, having penetrative
sex, that is a goal,

I think, of ours.

We're still so freshly,
you know, out of Aly's surgery

that we're still
in a stage of her

getting used to dilating,

getting used to
having penetration.

We understand that that's,
you know, going to take time,

and I think it's just
being respectful of her

and creating that
safe space for her

to be more and more
comfortable it key.

-So respectful.
-Like, literally.

It's so funny.

It's just it feels good.

I think that dating a dude
who is really concerned

with your sexual pleasure
is literally the

Holy Grail for anyone.

Yeah, definitely.

**

That's what I love
about being with Cameron.

I understand him.
He understands me.

And, you know,
we talk about sex.

We have communication,
and I think it's very unique.

I think, and I hope that,
as a culture,

we are finally
beginning to understand

or to expand the definition
of sex beyond just,

like, this heteronormative
idea of,

like, you go like this,
you know what I mean?

-Right.
-Right.

And that's true
for straight people, cis people,

queer people, right?
-Yeah.

People, whatever they are,
trans, cis,

it's not just about parts
fitting together, absolutely.

It's, you know, it also
takes place on a higher plane.

No matter what your gender
or sexual orientation,

engaging in open conversations
around sex and sexuality

can be transformative
not only on a personal level

but for society at large.

Plus respectful
conversations around sex

are just undeniably sexy.

I'm hopeful that it'll get
better as the months go by.

It's wonderful that I have
Cameron who is understanding.

Learning how to please
the other partner

is just kind of something
you're always learning

and always constantly
evolving in a relationship.

I don't think you ever stop
learning your partner

no matter how long
you're together.

I was able to experience,
you know, love and intimacy

in giving Aly pleasure
before and after surgery.

It's just reinforcing the fact
that it's about the person.

It's not about
the plumbing.

Sex is more
than just physical.

It's also, like,
the spiritual connection.

**

**

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