Original subtitles

(loud crashing and banging)

Hello?

(gets quiet)

Who's there?

Richard! I've been waiting for you.

Sanjay?

But... You're in jail.

No, no. That was all a mistake.

Everything's fine now.

And wonderful news! The money has come!

What money?

The money for the festival!

Just like I told you it would.

It just came.

It's on your desk!

Richard: So, everything's going to be all right?

Yes, yes. Look!

(eerie music)

Is that all there is?!

Put your head on the desk, richard.

(sanjay plays "danny boy" on the clarinet)

(richard sobs)

(clarinet squeaks and squawks)

(sickening thump)

(alarm beeps as richard gasps for breath)

Ô call me superstitious ô

Ô or cowardly or weak ô

Ô but I'll never play a character ô

Ô whose name one dare not speak ô

(crowd laughs)

Ô I'll play hamlet in doublet and hose ô

Ô or either of the dromeos ô

Ô but sorry, I won't play mackers ô

Ô I'll play richard the third with a hump and a wig ô

Ô or henry the eighth that selfish pig ô

Ô but sorry, I don't do mackers ô

Ô every soul that plays this role ô

Ô risks injury or death ô

Ô I'd rather sweep the bloody stage ô

Ô than ever do mac - you know who ô

Ô so gimme king lear, ô

Ô cleopatra, ô

Ô romeo and juliet, it doesn't mattra ô

Ô I'll play them all for free ô

Ô but I'd be crackers to take on mackers ô

Ô you see I'm skittish about the scottish tragedy ô

Ô och aye! Ô

(enthusiastic applause)

Richard: (honks horn)

(under his breath) fuck!

(taps window) hello.

Wake up please.

You're in my spot.

Park somewhere else.

No, I'm the executive director of this festival.

You're in my parking spot.

Giant man: You run this place?

Well, myself and a few others.

Hey, hey, hey!

Can you get them to sign this?

Who?

The actors... In macbeth.

You're here to see macbeth?

Yeah, if I can get in.

I hear it's a hard ticket.

Where did you hear that?

Everywhere.

Sorry about crashing your zone.

I'll move the van.

Anna: How many tickets do you need?

Margaret: Four.

Four? No, margaret. No.

You said there were tickets.

I told them to come.

Not for tonight. It's opening.

You should have had them come to previews.

I did. They came.

They want to see it again.

What did you say?

When?

Anna: Her friends came to previews and they want to see it again.

To macbeth?

Are they young people?

Pretty young - 22.

Young people want to see the show.

Yes.

Young people.

Anna: There's nothing I can do, margaret.

Tell your little friends, I'm sorry.

Margaret: (yells) this is... (holds back) bullshit.

(geoffrey hums)

And who are you?

I'm geoffrey tennant.

You've cleaned up.

Yes, well,

I have an advisor now, don't I?

I need maria.

Can you track her down for me?

Of course. Anything else?

Have you had breakfast?

Yes, but it was inedible.

I'm starving.

I'll send someone.

Richard: Anna, can you get me geoffrey please?

(indistinct chatter of crowd)

Anna!

Geoffrey: Richard.

Oh, geoffrey.

There are young people -

Out there, gathering in the parking lot.

Should I have nahum chase 'em away?

No, no, no!

It's the answer to my prayers.

No, no I don't want to speak too soon.

But I mean, it's good.

It's a good sign, right?

Sure.

Richard: No, geoffrey.

There are young people out there!

That's great, richard.

I have things to do.

Of course.

See you later on.

The cast is gathering at 7:15.

Without ellen.

She has a final costume fitting.

I am so not happy about this, geoffrey.

It's the only way we're going to get henry

To give us the show that we want

And you know that.

I'm talking about ellen.

Lying to her, plotting behind her back.

Oh, so suddenly you're a big fat fan of ellen's?

Is that why you let her use your cell phone all the time?

Is that why you run out and get her cookies and fags?

Is that why you fetch her dry cleaning?

You're right.

I have no problem screwing ellen.

Let's do it.

Okay, good.

Now that we have solved your ethical dilemma,

There are a some specific changes

I would like to make.

Some lighting cues, a few small design elements...

A tree?

Yes, a tree. A small tree, yes.

You didn't say anything about a tree.

Well it came to me in the night.

Oh, god.

Well you don't have to think about it,

Just do it!

Just go to the booth.

I'll be there in a few minutes. We can run over the cues!

Fuck me, geoffrey.

If that's what it takes.

Maria: Hi, ellen.

Hi.

Hi.

Is something going on?

Well, yes.

We're opening macbeth tonight.

With henry.

With henry in the lead, yes.

Ellen: Henry breedlove.

Yes ellen, I put him back as I promised.

God, how hard is it for you to believe me?

I mean what kind of relationship

Do we have?

Okay, sorry.

Well thank you.

And now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a very, very unpleasant task to attend to.

It's just part of my job, you know.

Artistic director.

Thank you, geoffrey.

You're welcome, ellen.

Hey, I'm sorry I've kept you waiting.

Look at you, geoffrey,

You look positively disease-free.

It's the hairdo.

So I uh...

I thought we should have a little talk.

(rattle of pill bottle)

I don't know why I bother with these.

They don't seem to do anything.

Darren: What are those? Anti-depressants?

Yes.

Oh.

Yeah, I take 'em by the fist-full -

All different kinds. Nothing works.

Oh anna tells me you asked lighting

For three more frenels. Did you get 'em?

Yes.

Good, good, um...

Thing is I-I don't, I...

I don't think I can come to your opening,

And it's not you, it's the play.

(getting emotional) it's so um...

Full of life and...

And I can't feel anything.

Uh...

So...

Did you say you got those frenels?

Yes, I did, yes.

Good, good.

Are you happy, darren?

Happy?

Uh, yes, I suppose I'm happy.

Well, there, see?

That's why you can direct this play.

I couldn't take it on.

I mean...

How can you direct "romeo and juliet"

If you are dead inside?

I mean, how? I ask you.

Well, I don't know. I think-

Well you can't, that's how.

I mean you would do is mock it, you know.

Make some kind of dull, anti-romantic,

Vaguely condescending shallow fucking commentary

On what that play actually is,

And I don't even understand this.

I mean, is it age that numbs you?

Because when I was younger, boy I...

Oh look, here,

I found something the other day.

Look at this.

What was this? 1980?

Uh...

Godspell, yeah? (chuckles)

Darren: Yeah...

Geoffrey: And the thing is...

We liked each other, didn't we?

Yes, well I recall there was a brief period

Of comraderie in the early 80s.

Yes, yeah.

Oh look at you.

(laugh)

You were a big goof. (chuckles)

You were, you were happy then.

I was... (breaking down)

(sobs) I was happy then.

(in tears) anyway,

You break a leg, okay?

And I'm going to do my goddamn level best

To make sure that you have those frenels.

Oh...

Geoffrey: No, I don't even want it. You keep that, okay?

I can't even stand to look at it!

Darren: I have a tech rehearsal-

I know, I know.

I'm sorry. Go ahead.

And break your legs!

(sobs hysterically) oh jesus!

How do you cry like that?

(completely composed) I think about my grandmother.

Very convincing.

Well, let's hope it works.

Otherwise, I have debased myself for nothing.

Breath mint?

Richard?

You have to come down to the box office.

It's chaos.

There's a mob and they're chanting.

They want tickets for opening.

They don't understand how openings work.

And they won't listen. They've got head phones on.

Youth quake.

What?

Youth quake.

It's what sanjay said would happen.

It's a youth quake.

Please come down. Some of them have guitars.

Soon, soon. I'll be there in a minute.

(satisfied sigh)

Maria: Sorry darren. Just give me a second here.

Geoffrey gave me a ton

Of last minute changes to input.

I'm still playing catch up.

Mmm, yeah.

Okay.

(into mic) continue.

Sarah: It was the nightingale and not the lark

That pierced the fearful hollow of thine ear.

Nightly she sings on yond pomegranate tree.

Maria: Hold.

Anything?

More grey.

More grey.

Okay, uh, we'll take out the yellows.

42 through 60 down ten percent.

Continue.

(leaden) it was the lark, the herald of the morn,

No nightingale.

Look love, what envious streaks

Do lace the severing clouds in yonder east.

(thunder rumbles)

(dejected sigh)

Maria: Hold.

Oh god,

This is a shitty production.

Yeah.

(whispers) and we have to run it for twelve weeks.

(laugh)

Ow.

Everybody's going to be watching

This shitty production thinking,

"oh my god, look at those poor bastards

Stuck up there in those cages

In this shitty, shitty production."

Well at least something good came out of it.

Yeah.

Hey...

Come here for a second.

What?

Just come here.

Everyone will laugh.

I don't care what they think.

(costumes clank)

Cast: (ooh and awe)

Frank: Crikey!

Cyril: Now there's something you don't see everyday of the week.

I hate it.

I hate it all.

I want to change everything!

I want warm light.

I want those balls deflated and removed.

Did you hear that?!

I am not a zombie!

I have a soul! I can feel!

Take those cages off!

Take those ridiculous chess pieces off your heads!

(excited cheers)

You're released.

We'll meet at 5:00 in the rehearsal hall,

And bring bath robes.

We're going to do the balcovske exercise.

Hey, excuse me, uh,

Do you guys have a moment?

Well, we do now.

Great.

Could you come here?

Thank you.

I didn't know who else to turn to.

What is it, lovey?

Look this is very difficult for me.

Well take your time.

For a long time now I've been guarding a secret.

A what?

He's got a secret.

I told you, duckie.

I can spot 'em a mile off.

I want to audition for the musical.

What?

(chuckles) he wants to audition.

It's for the gilbert and sullivan,

Is it, lovey?

Yeah.

I want to.

I mean, I've always wanted to sing in a musical.

And I thought that since you guys were

The more experienced members of the cast,

That maybe you could help coach me?

What's he going on about?

I'll tell you later, duckie.

I don't know how he hears the alarm in the morning.

Well, of course, we'll help you, dearie.

That's great.

Cyril: Oh lovely, "major general".

Always a good choice.

Yeah?

Okay, well, let's go.

Patrick: I did this once, like 4 years ago.

Sarah: Really? I thought it was just one of those weird

Oh, it is one of those weird theatre stories,

But it's true.

Yeah, check it out.

All right, I guess bring on the balcovske.

Bring on the balcovske.

(laughter)

Cyril: Odd about benedict wanting to sing.

Frank: He works numbers all day.

I mean he's not a machine.

He has a soul, presumably.

Presumably.

Ah yeah, here she comes.

Frank: Stick together this time, right?

Darren: This has been a difficult process for me personally,

And for you as well, I imagine.

I think I was afraid of this play on some level,

And so I chose to mock it.

Forgive me, sarah.

You'll understand when you're my age.

Everybody smear some of this glow paint on your hands,

And then hold them up to the light to charge.

I sapped the sensuality out of this play,

And because we open tomorrow,

I feel it's important to do something drastic

In order to rediscover it,

Hence the balcovske exercise.

I know it's controversial,

And if anyone wants to leave you can do so now.

Good.

In a minute I'm going to turn off the lights.

When you hear the music start

Drop your robes, step forward

And have a good grope.

All: (giggle)

Are we ready?

All: Yes!

Darren: When you hear the music stop

Return to your marks and put your robes back on.

I promise nobody will get caught in the light.

All: (giggle and laugh)

(music starts)

(indistinct chatter and laughter)

(music stops)

(laughter)

Questions, comments.

All: (wild cheers) again! Again!

(excited shouts)

Man: Macbeth rocks!

(excited chatter)

Congratulations, richard.

It's all yours now.

I'm sorry?

Lady, I don't care if you're a minister.

No one gets in here without a ticket, padre.

Oh.

Oh!

(violent shoves)

Richard: Minister!

(struggles)

(deep inhale)

(knock at door)

Enter.

Break a leg.

I'll do my best.

Well it's all anyone can expect, isn't it?

Emily: (excited) hi!

I set all the props. We're ready to go.

Awesome. (flicks lighter)

Ellen was late again, of course.

She claims she didn't even know about the cast meeting.

You told her there was a cast meeting?

Emily: Geoffrey!

I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!

About what?

What are you sorry about now?

Ellen knows about the meeting.

I told her! I'm so sorry!

Oh for the love of-

(hysterical shriek)

Where are you going?

Where do you think I'm going?

I'm going to tell henry what's going on.

I knew you were lying to me,

You snake.

Geoffrey: N-no! No!

I can't let you do that.

Ellen: Geoffrey, let go of me!

Geoffrey: No, it's for the good of the play.

Ellen: The good of the play?

This is a horrible, horrible betrayal

Of an actor's trust in his director.

Geoffrey: And what about the rest of the cast?

Aren't you betraying their trust by telling him?

Ow!

Ellen: This has nothing to do with trust!

You're using them!

Geoffrey: Have a great show, ellen!

Ellen: Geoffrey!

Nahum. Key!

Ellen: Geoffrey!

Geoffrey: Don't let her out until we're well under way.

Understood.

Ellen: Nahum, you bastard!

(murmur of crowd)

Scott: I think we're going to be cool here

'cause no one can see us.

(under her breath) fuck.

Richard!

(raucous applause)

(ominous music)

Witch 1: When shall we three meet again

In thunder lightning or in rain?

Witch 2: When the hurlyburly is done

(thunder rumbles)

When the battle's lost and won!

Witch 1: Where the place?

Witch 3: Upon the heath!

Witch 2: There to meet with macbeth.

(thunder rumbles)

(indistinct dialogue punctuated by thunder from the stage)

(gasps)

Henry: What the fuck's going on, geoffrey?

Geoffrey: I made a few little changes.

It's a wall.

This is where I enter.

Not unless you have a chainsaw.

You're trying to humiliate me, is that it?

Geoffrey: Believe me, what I am trying to do

Has very little to do with you.

What if I refuse to go on?

Oh come on,

You've played this part three times

To great acclaim.

Surely you can handle a few last minute changes.

All right.

Where the fuck have you got me?

Follow me.

(exasperated grunt)

Geoffrey: Okay, you come off upstage left.

Henry: I exit up right!

Geoffrey: No, no, that's not possible.

There's a great honking flat there.

Now just keep your eyes open, keep your ears open.

You're gonna be fine.

Henry: You are a fucking prick!

Geoffrey: You're on.

So fair and foul a day I have not seen.

(gasps)

(lock clicks open)

Nahum, how could you?

I must confess - I love drama.

Henry: Where are you taking me?

I can not function under these circumstances.

This isn't theatre. This is improvisation!

Geoffrey: Still, that's kind of theatre, isn't it?

Very alive, very exciting.

Henry: Fuck off!

(over speaker) there's a supernatural soliciting

Cannot be ill, cannot be good.

Maria: (over speaker) jean, a reminder,

Have a robe waiting for mr. Breedlove,

Stage right.

(clears throat) as discussed.

(whispers) you bastard!

Ellen, you have to get focused here.

This is your director speaking.

It's not geoffrey.

It's the director of this play.

You know what you have to do.

You...

This is some kind of perverted personal vendetta,

And I will not be a part of it.

Look at me. Look at me!

Between me and the ape

Pacing in the wings over there,

Which one of us is actually thinking about this play?

Honestly.

Damn you.

(inhales deeply)

Ellen.

What?

The letter.

Do you think she will?

Oh I hope to hell she does.

Henry: My dearest love,

Duncan comes here tonight.

And when goes hence?

Tomorrow as he purposes.

Ellen: O, never shall sun that morrow see!

Your face, my thane, is as a book

Where men may read strange matters.

To beguile the time, look like the time.

Bear welcome in your eye,

Your hand, your tongue.

Look at the innocent flower,

Ellen-

But be the serpent-

I'm not-

Under it.

Prepared.

Audience: (gasps)

Ellen: He that's coming must be provided for,

And you shall put this night's great business

Into my despatch,

Which shall to all our nights and days to come.

That was good.

Ellen: Give solely sovereign sway...

I thought it was gratuitous.

What?

(whispers) the nudity.

I thought it was good.

I thought it was gratuitious.

What?

The nudity.

I thought it was good.

Sloan: Shut up!

Ellen: Leave all the rest to me.

(light bangs off)

Ellen: (whispers) sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

(whimpers) sorry!

(insistent knock at door)

Maria: (over speaker) miss fanshaw and mr. Breedlove,

Places please for act two, scene three.

(knocks) henry?

Can I have a word please?

You see? You see what you've done?

He's not coming out!

He's coming out.

Ellen: I wouldn't.

He will.

He won't!

Go to your mark.

Go!

Maria: Miss fanshaw and mr. Breedlove.

Places please - now.

(dramatic drumming)

(door clicks open)

Henry: (angry breathing)

All right, you fucking lunatic!

What brilliant entrance do you have in store for me now, huh?

Popping out of some fucking wedding cake?!

(angry growl)

Geoffrey: Stage right!

Henry: Fuck!

Henry: Here had we now our country's honour...

Minister: Richard!

Henry: Were the graced person of our banquo present...

How's it going?

He's furious with me.

Well they're both furious with me.

What are you doing?

I'm going on.

What?

As the ghost.

Are you insane?

You can't go out there.

Once more unto the breech.

Frank: ...Grace us with your royal company.

The table is full.

Frank: Here is a place reserved, sir.

Henry: Where?

(snorts in pain)

Frank: Well here my good lord.

What is it that moves you so?

Henry: Which of you have done this?

Frank: What my lord?

Henry: Thou canst not say I did it.

Never shake thy gory locks at me!

Nahum: Good choice.

An empty chair is better.

Yeah, I thought so.

Ellen: The fit is momentary...

Jerry: Hey, there's a tree there.

Henry: Bastard, geoffrey!

Okay, you're going to have to play the fight

Six feet downstage.

Kill 'em!

Jerry...

Young-ish siward is usually slaughtered in macbeth.

It's a supposed to be hard and brutal

And macbeth feels invincible; he feels immortal.

Yeah, of course.

But he's not, he's just a guy.

So tonight...

Don't die so easy, okay?

Okay. Okay.

(clanking sound)

They have tied me to a stake...

(ticking sound)

They...

He's lost his line.

Have tied me to a stake.

(someone coughs)

They...

Have tied me to a stake!

(whispers) I cannot fly.

I cannot fly.

But bear-like I must fight the course.

What's he that is not born of woman?

Such a one I am to fear or none!

Jerry: What is thy name?

Henry: Thou'lt be afeared to hear it.

Jerry: No.

Though thou call'st thyself a hotter name

Than any is in hell.

My name is macbeth!

The devil himself could not pronounce

A title more hateful to mine ear.

No, nor more fearful.

Thou liest, abhorred tyrant!

With my sword I'll prove the lie thou speak'st!

(clank of swords)

Audience: (gasps)

(clank of swords)

(desperate cries)

(sword slices)

Audience: (shocked gasps)

Henry: Thou wast born of woman...

Good boy, that livened it up.

But swords I smile at. Weapons-

Audience: (gasps)

Oh boy.

What the-?

(fierce shout)

Jerry!

(violent grunts and blows)

(vicious blow)

Henry: Thou wast born of woman...

Okay, that was maybe a little Friday the 13th.

Lose it next time?

Probably best.

John...

I spent $125,000 on that thrust.

Henry has not set foot on it once.

Get him out there.

You got it.

(thunder rumbles)

Turn, hell hound, turn!

Of all men else I have avoided thee.

But get thee back!

My soul is too much charged with blood of thine already.

I have no words.

My voice is in my sword.

Thou bloodier villain than terms can give thee out!

Henry: (maniacal shout)

(clank of swords)

Audience: (gasps)

Henry: (shouts)

Audience: (gasps)

(angry shout)

(clank of swords)

Audience: (fearful gasp)

(swords clank)

John: (shouts in pain)

(thunder rumbles)

(angry shout)

Audience: (gasps in horror)

(grunt and struggle)

(shouts of pain)

(vicious kick)

(thunder booms)

Henry: (battle cry)

(swords clank)

Henry: (shouts)

(shrieks in pain)

John: (great cry)

(sword thrust)

We have them.

Yeah.

Yeah, we do.

John: Hail king, for so thou art.

Behold, where stands the usurper's cursed head.

The time is free.

I see thee compassed with thy kingdom's pearl,

That speak my salutation in their minds.

Whose voices I desire aloud with mine!

Hail, king of scotland!

All: Hail, king of scotland!

(roar of applause)

Geoffrey: Henry, that was excellent work!

(punch)

Henry: You are a complete fucking dick,

Geoffrey tennant!

I'm henry breedlove!

I am a great actor.

I do not need this shit!

I don't want to feel that kind of terror ever again.

Geoffrey: But you know what?

It works for you.

Just listen.

(tumultuous applause, cheering and whistling)

Geoffrey: Oh, ellen, that was just-

(hard slap)

Oh, ai, ai, oh.

Audience: (wild applause)

Bravo!

(wild applause)

(under breath) you actually stripped me

Naked on stage.

(under breath) I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. So sorry.

(tumultuous applause)

Anna: You returned your tickets and we sold them.

But now I need them back.

I'm sorry, mr. Gilchrist,

But we couldn't accommodate your school group on any day.

Most of our shows are down to a few seats.

You couldn't give seats away two months ago,

But now you're the big hot ticket.

You're turning people away.

Oh, you're enjoying this, aren't you?

Yes, I am.

Well at least give me a pair for myself and my wife.

Two seats together?

Don't have to be.

Richard: (sings) ô I am the very model of a modern major general... Ô

Frank: I can't hear a thing.

How's his vibrato?

Cyril: Forced but steady.

Hey up.

Here comes the e-flat.

Oh, he hit it.

Frank: Oh, good man.

Cyril: Oh, I'm getting quite teary.

It's like watching the son we'll never have.

Frank: It's inspiring, really.

Horrible man like that, changing himself,

Living a dream.

Richard: (singing) ô ...Though I'm plucky and adventury ô

Ô has only brought me down to the beginning of the century ô

Ô but still in matters vegetable, animal and mineral, ô

Ô I am the very model of a modern major-general! Ô

(applause)

Director 1: That's was wonderful!

Really, richard, that was wonderful.

Thanks.

Director 1: I had no idea you could sing,

Or had any desire to sing,

Or, or perform.

All right, well, I'll wait to hear from you

And please, no special treatment.

Director 1: Of course not.

Okay, all right.

Can't wait to see you dance.

Excuse me?

Choreographer: It's slide, turn and kick.

Slide, turn, kick.

Step, twist, present arms and jump!

Got it?

Step, twist and jump?

It's easy. And 5, 6, 7, 8!

(piano music starts)

(indistinct thumps)

Frank: Who does he remind me of?

Cyril: My cousin charlie.

The one with palsy.

Frank: Oh that's right.

Poor bugger.

(chair squeaks)

You're not going to say anything?

You called the meeting.

It's not a meeting. It's a chat.

Oh how nice.

What will we chat about?

The weather?

Hmm...

How about the slap?

You know why I slapped you.

So I can expect to be slapped

Every time I give you direction you don't agree with?

No, sir.

I will continue to toe the line, sir!

Are you going to the "romeo and juliet" opening?

Oh, a new tactic.

No, it's not a tactic.

Why would you ask me that?

Oh I don't know, we were in it once.

That was a billion years ago, geoffrey.

A billion years ago.

Yes it was, wasn't it?

Are we done chatting?

Sure.

(chair squeaks)

Should I leave then?

Unless you enjoy awkward silences,

Yes, you should leave now.

Hi.

Hi.

I suppose you heard.

No, about what?

My audition.

Oh yeah, how'd it go?

It went really badly.

Yeah, everybody heard.

(under his breath) shit!

I don't understand. How actors do it?

How do they deal with the rejection?

They drink.

Sounds good.

Your office?

Sure.

Geoffrey: Oh he was pretty upset.

Oh and then he cheered up considerably

When I told him the average actor in canada

Only makes $11,000 a year.

Oliver: Well it takes a lot more than talent

To become an actor.

A lack of ambition is absolutely essential.

(chuckles)

You haven't said anything about my performance.

Oh, um...

I know. I'm rusty. It's been years.

I overplayed it, didn't I?

No, no. You were great.

Really.

Still...

I think a little less gory lock shaking tomorrow.

Yes, that's a good idea.

Leave them wanting more.

Soup's up.

Geoffrey: (sighs)

What?

This my life -

I live in a storage room.

I eat soup with a dead man.

Well it could be worse.

How?

You could be the dead man.

Did you ever think of that?

Eat your soup.

No, this is insane, oliver.

This is more insane

Than even I am comfortable with.

What are you saying?

Are you breaking up with me?

We're not together!

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

We just collaborated on that play.

Yes, we did. I owed you.

A collaboration is a very intimate thing.

Yes, it is.

And now it's over.

Right?

Where are you going?

I have to introduce "romeo and juliet".

Well...

You coming back?

Geoffrey: I don't know. Maybe

I hope not.

Not if I can help it.

Thank you, oliver.

You're welcome.

Oh shit.

(applause)

Uh, good evening.

It is, I am told, a tradition here

That on the final night of opening week

A token of thanks be presented to, uh...

(clears throat)

Our season's major sponsor.

So I would like to invite mr. Barnaby henderson

To come up onstage and accept this framed photograph,

Signed by the entire "romeo and juliet" company.

Mr. Henderson.

(applause)

Mr. Henderson: Thank you so much.

I just have a few words.

Oh.

I'm very pleased to accept this gift

On behalf of braymore industries,

A diversified technology company

Providing innovative and practical business solutions

For over thirty years.

(polite applause)

On a personal note,

I'd like to say how especially moved I am

To be here tonight.

"romeo and juliet" is one of the greatest love stories

Ever told.

And one that has special meaning

For my wife carol and me.

You see, we've been married 37 years,

And in all that time, I don't think we've ever missed

A production of this play -

That we could get to.

Carol can't be here tonight.

She's in hospital recovering from heart surgery.

She's going to be all right the doctors tell me,

But you know,

When I think of all the times

When we nearly gave up on each other,

I get kind of shaky.

I wasn't much of a husband there for awhile,

I'll tell you that for free,

But an experience like this,

It teaches you something

About the power of love.

It certainly does.

Well...

Enjoy.

(applause)

Jerry: Two households, both alike in dignity

In fair verona where we lay our scene...

Ellen: (begins crying)

From ancient grudge break to new mutiny

Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.

How keeps thou hither, tell me and wherefore?

The orchard walls are high and hard to climb

And the place death, considering who thou art

If any of my kinsmen find thee here!

Patrick: With love's light wings did I overperch these walls.

For stony limits cannot hold love out

And what love can do,

That dares love attempt.

Therefore thy kinsmen are not let to me.

Sarah: If they do see thee they will murder thee.

Patrick: Alack,

There lies more peril in thine eye

Than twenty of their swords.

I hate this play.

Yeah.

Patrick: I have night's cloak to hide me from their eyes-

Sarah: Shh!

Patrick: And but thou love me, let them fine me here.

My life were better ended by their hate

Than death prolonged,

Wanting of thy love.

Ellen: You watch it and you feel miserable

Because you don't have that kind of passion

In your life.

Nobody does.

It's a fantasy.

It's irresponsible.

Yeah.

Patrick: Yet wert thou as far as that vast ocean washed

With the farthest sea...

You know what I think?

I think it's painfully accurate.

Two idiots meet,

They fall in love, they're happy, briefly,

Then all hell breaks loose.

Happens all the time.

Sarah: ...The inconstant moon,

That monthly changes in her circled orb,

Lest that thy love prove likewise variable.

What shall I swear by?

(laughs)

(deep sigh)

That old man, oh my god.

Mr. Henderson? Yeah.

That hurt.

I would have got through this quite nicely

Without mr. Henderson.

I'm so fucking miserable, geoffrey.

Yeah, I know. Me too.

Am I a loser?

Mmm hmm. Yeah, you are.

So am I.

We're both big, fat losers.

(emotional sigh)

You're my only friend. Isn't that pathetic?

Yeah, that is pathetic.

Sarah: ...As the sea, my love as deep.

The more I give to thee, the more I have

For both are infinite.

I owe $27,867.53 in back taxes.

Let's watch the show.

(emotional sigh)

Frank: (sings) ô ...Vagabond! Ô

Down, dear. Down, down.

Vagabond. Like on stage,

You're always going up.

Down - vagabond.

Darren: My god!

That's exactly what this feels like.

It's a bit of a goose.

Reminds me of the old times.

My god, remember our godspell?

Henry: All right, you two decide. No, no, no, no.

Jerry: I knew where my entrances were.

Henry: Well I saw your entrance.

(raucous laughter)

(indistinct) are good- well, you tell me, okay?

Did someone throw cold water at you or what?

'cause I- (laughs)

Excuse me,

You're over dramatizing the situation.

Richard: No, no, can I order tickets for the performance?

Or three, three's good.

Mr. Archer.

That's for you, sir.

Hey, hey, hey.

You did a hell of a job.

Thank you.

A hell of a job.

I got lucky.

That's bullshit,

Okay?

You took a risk, a hell of a fuckin' risk,

And you could have been eating shit right now,

But instead, you're basking in glory.

Am I right?

How's it feel?

Feels pretty sweet!

(laughs) (slaps face a bit too hard)

Can I say something?

(can't hear) what?

Can I say something personally off the record?

Sure.

This festival needs an artistic director

With a strong business background.

More busines savvy than theatre savvy.

True.

Why hire a crazy artist

To hire other crazy fuckin' artists?

You're right.

All right?

Yeah.

So how would you like the job?

(snorts beer)

(coughs) sorry. Sorry.

Can you...?

Towel.

Sloan: Ellen.

Hi.

I'm uh, crashing the party.

Is that cool?

Yeah, sure.

Sloan: Uh, me and my girlfriend.

Tuesday. That's her over there.

She seems nice.

So uh, how are you two?

Both: Good.

I thought for sure you'd be married by now.

(snorts)

We broke up pretty quickly actually.

What the fuck?

You, you broke up?

You broke up with me so you could be together!

Well it's complicated, sloan.

No it isn't!

You guys love each other, right?

We did.

It doesn't go away.

Oh yeah, it can.

It's different when you're older.

That's bullshit!

Geoffrey: No sloan, honestly,

We're just- we're a couple of losers,

That's all.

We're miserable - both of us.

Happily.

Really.

You guys are so obviously meant to be together.

It's so obvious it pisses me off, all right?

What the fuck? Just deal with it!

You fucking broke my heart, ellen, all right?

But I knew you were right.

I mean, come on.

Wow.

Out of the mouths of babes.

Oh geoffrey...

I don't want to be here anymore.

Take me home.

Frank: (singing) ô call me understudy ô

Ô I can't go on tonight ô

Ô I'm drinking with me buddy ô

Ô I'm getting good and tight ô

Ô before they raise the curtain ô

Ô I'll be higher than a kite ô

Ô so call me understudy ô

Ô I can't go on tonight ô

Ô tell the cast and crew to break a leg ô

Cyril: Ô break a leg ô

Frank: Ô and roll me out another bloody keg ô

Cyril: Ô bloody keg ô

Frank: Ô I need to ease the pain that life can bring ô

Ô and liquor is what will hit the spot ô

Ô the play is not the thing ô

Ô so call me understudy, I think it only right ô

Ô me diction will be muddy, I'll never find me light ô

Ô before the intermission, I'll be pissin' on the sprite ô

Ô so call me understudy, I can't go on ô

Ô he can't go on ô

Ô I won't go on ô

Ô he shan't go on ô

Ô I can't go on tonight! Ô

Ô that's right! Ô

(smattering of applause)

Brian: More are men's ends marked than their lives before,

The setting sun,

And music at the close,

As the last taste of sweets, is sweetest last,

Writ in remembrance more than things lost past.

I'm going to see if david left the taps open.

Get one for me, would you?

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