All language subtitles for Slings and Arrows s01e03 Madness in Great Ones.eng

He's doing the rounds.

He saw the chekov on Tuesday.
He was at the dream last night.

Yeah, there he was,
third row from the back,

Head buried in his hands

Like he'd lost
a brother in the war.

Crikey. He wouldn't recast,
would he?

Cyril:
Oh not the dream, no.

But god knows what he'll do
with oliver's hamlet.

(laughs)
play the lead himself.

You think?

Cyril:
Well why not?

It's was the play
that drove him mad.

Not really.

Cyril:
Seven years ago.

I saw it all
with me own eyes.

Half way through
the gravedigger scene

He suddenly went
all quiet and pale.

He went off?

Cyril:
Off his nut.

Then he leaped.

Leaped?

Cyril:
Into the grave, duckie. Into ophelia's grave.

Leaving horatio and laertes
staring down into the hole

As if they'd just
made a wish.

Crikey.

Crickey, indeed.

Then he went screaming
out into the night

Mad as a hatter.

Well, he's been to a hospital,
had treatments,

Maybe he's better.

Maybe he's worse.

Head up,
here she comes.

Uh, carlsberg.

Two carlsberg.

Crikey.

Bloody hell.

Ô cheer up, hamlet ô

Ô chin up, hamlet ô

Ô buck up,
you melancholy dane ô

Ô so your uncle is cad ô

Ô who murdered dad
and married mum ô

Ô that's really no excuse to be
as glum as you've become ô

Ô so wise up, hamlet ô

Ô rise up, hamlet ô

Ô perk up,
and sing a new refrain ô

Ô your incessant monologizing ô

Ô fills the castle
with on ennui ô

Ô your antic disposition
is embarrassing to see ô

Ô and by the way,
you sulky brat, ô

Ô the answer is: "to be" ô

Ô you're driving
poor ophelia insane ô

Ô so shut up,
you rogue and peasant ô

Ô grow up,
it's most unpleasant ô

Ô cheer up,
you melancholy dane ô

(cheers and applause)

Hi.

Geoffrey:
Hi.

Is that oliver?

His skull, yeah.

How- how did you uh...

Geoffrey:
Taxidermist.

Very eager to do the job.

I imagine this
kind of work

Must the secret dream
of every taxidermist.

(grimaces)

Okay, couple of things.
Uh, uh...

First, put that away

In a drawer or something,
please, now.

Second uh,
richard's not here yet

So we've pushed
the meeting back to 9:15.

Is it... Heavy?

You want to hold it?

No, thank you.

Geoffrey:
Oh come on.

He would have wanted you to.

It's not heavy at all.

It's lighter
without the ego.

Strange isn't it?
You can see that it's him.

Look at his teeth.

Every molar has a filling.
You see that?

It's because of those horrible
things he ate all the time,

Those mints,
those after eight mints?

He ate boxes of those things.

He was a child really.

(crying) oliver.

Can I get a coffee--
black?

Cream and sugar?

Yeah, black.

(telephone rings)

Anna:
Richard... Did you forget about the artistic committee meeting?

I can't come in,
I'm too depressed.

Everybody's gathered
for the meeting.

Richard:
I can't come in.

I can't come in.

Well, can you just phone in?

It won't take long,
I promise.

Just, just phone in and say
that you have a stomach virus.

That's what I do
when I'm depressed.

Please?

Oh god.
All right, fine.

Anna:
Thanks richard.

Call the boardroom
in five minutes.

Final ending's
playing at the roxy.

Jack crew's in that.

I don't want
to see a movie.

Oh come on.

I mean, it's not everyday
they cancel rehearsals.

Claire:
I have an idea.

Let's have an adventure.

An adventure in
new "burp-age"?

Not possible.

We could smoke
some of this.

Oh...
No, I don't smoke pot.

Neither do I.

I got it off
my stoner brother.

I thought if
I smoked a joint

It would help me with
ophelia's madness.

You know, give me some
sense memory to work with.

(laughs)

Seriously?

Well, being stoned isn't
the same as being insane.

It looks similar.

Stoners look like
they're insane.

No they don't.

Claire:
Yes they do.

No they don't.

Claire:
Yes they do!

No they don't.

Oh come on.
Just get stoned with me.

I don't want
to go see a movie.

Richard:
Hello everybody.

Please excuse me for
not being there in person.

I have a virus.

Anna:
He can't stop going to the toilet.

Richard:
Thank you, anna.

First off,
it gives me great pleasure

To introduce to you
geoffrey tennant,

The festival's new
interim artistic director.

Anna:
(claps)

Richard:
On behalf of the board of directors

I just want to say how
thrilled and delighted we are

To have you here.
Welcome geoffrey.

Thanks. I don't know what
my duties will be, exactly.

Richard:
Well, that's what we're here to discuss this morning.

First of all you
could take over

The direction
of oliver's hamlet.

I'm sure we'd all be thrilled
if you brought your experience

And your expertise to-

No.

Richard:
Sorry?

I can't do that.

I'm not mentally equipped
for the task at this time.

Not mentally equipped?
Is that what you said?

Geoffrey:
Yes.

Well, that's a problem.

Is there anyone else?

Hamlet is our
flagship production.

It would be nice
if it had a director.

Director 1:
Uh sorry, richard but I'm tied up the um...

Chekov series...

Director 2:
It's not a play you can just direct-

Director 3:
I just don't feel comfortable

Waltzing in on top of
somebody else's production-

Well do we know of anyone
of sufficient stature

Who could step in
and direct our hamlet?

Well, I think darren nichols
is available.

(hysterical laughter)

Richard:
What's that, geoffrey?

Darren nichols is an idiot.

He directed our titus in '97,
I believe it sold quite well.

That was the one with
the horse on the stage?

Yes.

It was shit.

Anna:
Richard, I could call darren nichols

And just check
his availability.

Yeah, why don't
you do that, anna.

Geoffrey?

I don't know quite
what to do with you.

Geoffrey:
I don't want to be any trouble.

Anna, what else did
oliver have on his plate?

Well, there's the corporate
workshop program.

That sounds intriguing.
What is that?

Richard:
We teach people to develop leadership skills

By analyzing key characters
in shakespeare.

You could look at claudius'

Crisis management techniques,
for instance.

That's ridiculous.
I'll do that.

Richard:
Okay, well, great.

Why don't you arrange
that anna?

Okay, everybody listen,

You are going to have to
excuse me, I'm sorry,

But the cramps have returned.

(stoned laughter)

No I have to go back.
I have to go back.

I can't, I can't.

Oh relax.
Enjoy the trip.

(laughs)

Oh my god.

What?

Your eyes.

Ah, what?

They're like, bigger.
Is that possible?

What are you
talking about?

They're huge.

You mean
they're swollen?

Well in proportion to
the rest of your face.

Shut up.

Maybe they were
always that way.

You look like
a hallmark baby.

Where are you going?

I got go
look at my eyes.

No, no, no, no!
You can't leave me!

You can't leave me!

No, you've freaked me out.
Now I gotta go look at my eyes!

Hey jack.

Hey.

What's up, jack?

I'm looking for
accent tapes.

You'd think in a theatre town
they'd have accent tapes,

But no way.

Accent tapes?

Yeah. English.
You know, for the play.

For hamlet.

Yeah.

Well you know,
hamlet is set in denmark

So maybe you should look
for danish accent tapes.

Man...

They're never going
if they to have danish.Ish

(giggles)

(stoned giggling)

Are, are you high?

What?

Your eyes are huge.

Oh my god.
Oh my god are...

Are they?

Relax.

Oh shit!
I don't normally do drugs.

I don't.

Oh fuck.
Oh my god.

Do I look like
a hallmark baby?

No, it's okay.
Don't freak out.

Let's get you away
from these people.

What are you on?

Pot.

No way! So am I.

Really?

Yeah, let's go
to the park.

Okay.

Holly:
Life is full of disappointments.

What separates the men
from the boys

Is how we deal with adversity.

Are you a man
or are you a boy?

I don't know.

Holly:
Get out of bed richard!

No.

Holly:
Well, you better

Because I am sending
a car for you,

So you better be packed
and washed by 4:00 p.M.

You want to know why?

I'm bringing you
to toronto.

You need to spend a couple
of days in a real city,

With traffic, tall buildings,
and homeless people.

We're going to go shopping,

We're going to have
a fabulous meal,

We're going to a show,

And we're going to talk
about the future.

So... You'd better be ready
by 4:00 p.M.,

Because if you're not,

I've instructed my man
to wash and dress you himself.

(hangs up, dial tone)

Anna.

Do you know where
I might find richard?

He won't be
coming in today.

May:
Oh, he's upset.

He's a bit upset.

May:
Well, I'll call him at home.

If you're looking for richard,
he won't be in today.

Damn it! Coward.

How could you
let this happen?

Ellen-

I'm sorry.
May, he's insane.

And he hates this place.

Geoffrey is a very
passionate man.

He's not equipped
to be artistic director.

Not mentally equipped.

Well it has been
seven years, ellen.

Perhaps he's reequipped
himself.

God knows what oliver
would say if he knew.

God only knows.

Geoffrey:
She's right, you know.

I'm not mentally
equipped.

If you ask me, we could use
a little madness around here.

What's on the
agenda today?

Nothing.
Avoiding people.

Good, ease into the job.

Take some time to
reacquaint yourself.

Revisit the old haunts.

The old haunts.

Look, my lord,
it comes!

Oh jesus.

Actor:
Look, with what courteous action

It waves you to
a more removed ground,

But do not go with it.

Oliver:
Geoffrey!

Oh no.

Oliver:
Welcome home!

Here you are back at the swan.
It's about time!

This is where you
earned your stripes.

Romeo, marc anthony,
prince hal...

And the other prince,
dare I speak his name.

What is happening here?
You're dead.

Apparently there's
an afterlife

Despite what they
taught us in university.

Now you answer me a question.
What's all this nonsense

About you not being mentally
equipped to take on hamlet?

I mean, I know you're crazy,
but-

Please...

Oliver:
But I thought that's why you'd returned,

To take up my mantle.

To snatch the festival
from apathy's yawning maw.

Oliver!

Oliver:
Or am I wrong?

Was it love's siren song

That brought you crashing
on these rocks?

I don't know why I'm here.
I hate this fucking place!

Oliver:
And I don't blame you. It drove you mad, didn't it?

And it killed me.

Revenge my foul and
most unnatural murder.

Anna:
Geoffrey?

Stop it!

Excuse me, geoffrey,

Are you available
to do a press thing

With basil at 5:00?

Yeah.

Do you need some more time?
I mean-

No, it's fine.

Anna:
Okay, we'll do it at the bar.

Good.

It's funny seeing you
on that stage again.

Funny in a good way.

Kate:
So, what is that like,

I mean, seeing
yourself up there?

Doesn't that just
sort of blow your mind?

Well it's a part,
right?

I mean, I'm watching it
and I'm like,

Why did they
use that take?

Or I remember freezing
in that t-shirt

Because it was
vancouver in November

And not new york in July.

Okay.

But I like to
watch my movies

What works with
the audience, you know?

It's cool.
You don't get that in theatre.

Well no,
the audience is right there.

I mean, you know immediately
if it's working or not.

Well, yeah,
but it's not the same.

(laughs)
no, it's better.

Yeah but if you're checking
out the audience all the time

Then you're not
in the moment, right?

I mean, you've done a lot
more theatre than I have,

But that's true,
right?

Watch out.
I'm huge in japan.

(giggling excited chatter)

So how is it exactly that
you got to play hamlet

On the main stage
in the festival?

They offered it to me.

Life's just fucking nuts,
isn't it?

Darren:
(laughs) no, I'm in new burbage.

Well I'm going
to do their hamlet.

Hamlet! (laughs)

I know, life is fucking nuts,
isn't it?

Thank you for
doing this, geoffrey.

It's just a little
get acquainted piece

For the grey hairs.

Totally painless.
You ready?

Geoffrey tennant,
artistic director of the-

Interim artistic director.
I'm really just a figure head.

I have no job responsibilities.

Interim artistic director
of the new burbage festival.

How does it feel

To return to new burbage
after a 7 year absence?

A little disorienting.
(laughs)

(chuckles)

Uh, you and oliver welles
were famously close-

Infamously close, yes.

Would it say your own bold
directorial voice

Developed in reaction
to your former mentor's

More conservative style?

Well basil, uh...

Oliver:
Will you be taking over direction

Of the festival's flagship
production of hamlet?

No.

No, it wouldn't be
correct to say?

Geoffrey:
No. Darren nichols is directing it.

Oliver:
Darren nichols? You hate him.

Sorry?

Basil...

I have no idea what my bold
directorial voice might be.

Well let me rephrase
the question-

You once stormed the stage

During a college production
of the tempest

Directed by darren.

You started tearing-

Basil:
How would you characterize

Oliver welles'
directorial style?

He set the tempest
in nazi germany!

There were swastikas
everywhere!

Oliver welles?

I'm not aware
of that production.

Geoffrey:
No, no, no. Darren. Darren nichols.

That man is an idiot.

Oliver:
And yet you'd let him direct hamlet? Why?

Darren nichols?

Stop it!

(gasps) uh...
Let's move on.

Please.

Oliver:
You, geoffrey tennant, are a coward.

Fartells!

(under his breath)
fartells.

So uh...

Would you care to comment
on any of the productions

Currently on stage
at the festival?

Yes oliver, I would.

These great texts,

The cherry orchard,
a midsummer night's dream,

They come across as, as, as...
Television specials.

The theatre is meant
to provoke, not to anesthetize!

Oliver:
Well darren is provocative, I'll give you that.

Heil hitler!

Would you say-?

Geoffrey:
Well you're the one who's responsible!

I am?

You consciously commercialized
this festival.

It became more about drawing
people into the theatre

As opposed to drawing them
up out of their seats!

Oh you know, that's a very
good sound bite for you.

And you want to know
why this happened?

It's because you started
to hate the theatre,

And why?

Well perhaps it's because
of a gnawing guilt

Over past betrayals,
uh huh?!

And so you tried to kill it.
How? Through commodification!

I did?

No!

Look at this hideous mug

That I stole from the
gift shop this morning.

Look at this... "art!"
literally art as product.

This is a crime!

Oh fascinating.

Geoffrey:
Oh, by the way, it was made in malaysia.

Made no doubt,
by children!

And so you see
ladies and gentlemen,

You are not the
only victims here!

Do you think, uh...

You have enough
for the grey haireds?

Oh, I think we have
plenty for everyone.

Thank you.

Hi.

That was um...

Good.

Uh why don't you go home
goodand get some rest.

These past few days
have been very stressful

For everyone and
not just for you.

You know anna,
sometimes your diplomacy

Comes off as condescension,
but you're right.

I uh... I uh, uh...

I need to unwind.

Yeah, don't we all.

Hi.

Anna:
Hi.

Hi.

Uh, some people are upset
about the interview.

Yeah, I sense that.

It's mainly just the actors
and the directors and...

Well, most people,
actually.

Thanks.

Anna:
Just wanted to give you a heads up.

Yeah.

Uh, and you have the
corporate workshop at 10:00.

Are you ready for that?

No.

Okay, and darren has arrived,

And we've scheduled
a table reading of hamlet

For 1:00.

I really don't want
to do that.

You have to.

Geoffrey:
Anna, we hate each other.

We actually dueled
in university.

Why would you want
me to do that?

Well, three reasons:

Uh one, richard is away
in toronto fundraising

So he can't do it.

And two, you are the artistic
director after all,

And three-

Darren specifically
requested that I do it?

He had us write it
into his contract.

Pissant!

And please don't say anything
horrible like pissant

When you're introducing him.

You dueled in university?

With rappiers in the
quadrangle at midnight.

That's how I got
this scar.

Corporate at 10:00.

Don't tell them that story.

Karen:
We're all from allied acrylic.

It's a company that
makes plastic products

For the construction industry.

Most of us are from marketing.

Except for terry,
he's from accounting.

You da numbers man!

(laughter)

Geoffrey:
Okay, yeah, yeah. Huh.

Why are you here?

We're here to...

To "improve management
strategies

And interpersonal
communication skills

Through an examination
of key works

By the great
english playwright,

William shakespeare."

(laughs hysterically)

Ugh, okay.

Before we begin,
let me ask you a question.

Do any of you
seriously believe

That you're gonna sell
more plastic products

To the construction industry
by studying, say, oh,

The crisis management
techniques of claudius,

Bearing in mind that
he was a scheming villain

Who murdered his brother,
married his sister-in-law

In order to gain control
over a kingdom?

In the back.

No.

Neither do I.

So, let's get rid
of the curriculum

And I think we should just
fuck around with some texts.

Claire:
Hold on!

Ow!

Oh, so sorry.

It's a superstition thingy.

You're supposed to pinch
your understudy

So that no misfortune
happens to you-

Uh to me, I mean.
(giggles)

Well that's a really
stupid superstition.

So, is it true?

Is what true?

When I left you yesterday
you bumped into jack

And you spent the day
with said thespian?

Jesus,
who told you?

Everybody told me.
You're the talk of the town.

Is that all everybody
does around here?

They just gossip?

Man, your eyes are huge.

(laughs) shut up.

So, he's not gay?

Apparently not.
I owe you a pint.

(dialing phone)

I'm not late.

I'm not.

Sorry.

(mouthing lines)

Maria:
Okay everyone settle please.

(whispering)
geoffrey. Geoffrey.

Can you just...

Geoffrey:
Oh um, sorry. Uh welcome everybody.

I've been asked or...

Required really,

To introduce your
director to you.

Uh, I think we're very
fortunate to have him.

You will find many of his ideas
are very interesting.

Darren nichols.

(applause)

Darren:
Thank you, geoffrey. Brevity is always appreciated

If, for nothing else,
for its sheer novelty.

(smattering of laughter)

Hello everyone.
I am darren nichols.

Deal with that!

All right, re: Hamlet.

Hamlet.

This play is dead.

It has been dead
for over 300 years,

It has been strip-mined
for quotations

And propped up like
lenin in his ice cave.

I don't worship dead texts
but that doesn't mean

I don't find
interest in them.

Now, as to my vision.
I'm taking the words "rotten",

As in "something's rotten
in the state of denmark",

Very seriously.

I want a rank and foul looking,

Foul acted, and if possible,
foul smelling hamlet.

A decomposed vessel,

Somewhere between
the swamp and the sewer.

Anyway,
that's the general idea.

Questions?

Okay. Let's read this corpse.

Look I don't need
any more ties.

Yes, you do.
Your ties are horrible.

No they're not,
they're- they're nice.

Well you should have
a special tie for tonight.

Okay look, please,
I don't want to see a show.

My whole life is shows.

(sulky pout)

Okay, what show?

Mamma mia, two tickets,
first row balcony.

I like this one.

Mmm hmm.

Ellen:
And for your part, ophelia,

I do wish that
your good beauties

Be the happy cause
of hamlet's wildness,

So shall I hope your virtues

Will bring him to
his wonted way again,

To both your honors.

Madam, I wish it may.

Maria:
Enter hamlet.

Here it comes,
the big one.

To be, or not to be,
that is the question.

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind
to suffer the stings and arr-

Sorry.

The slings and arr...

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind

To suffer the slings and...

And...

The slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against
the sea of troubles

And by opposing end them?

Well...

He's darren's problem,
isn't he?

Claire:
There's a daisy.

I would give you some violets,

But they withered all
when my father died.

They say he made a good end...

(breaking into song)
ô for bonny sweet robin is all my joy. Ô

You know,
maybe I'm in hell.

This is what I always
imagined it would be like.M.

Stifling, eternal,

The air filled with the
shrieks of the damned.

(still singing)
ô go to thy deathbed, ô

She's hard to get rid of,
that one.

Some board member's evil niece,
I believe.

She's not your
problem is she?

None of this
is your problem.

You're just the
"interim" artistic director.

A figure head.
Isn't that what you-

Oh for the love of god,
will you shut up!

Maria:
Five minutes everyone.

Darren:
Ah geoffrey, I see you've added turrets

To your litany
of mental complaints.

Darren, listen,
I fully expect you

To crush this play

With your pork-fisted
theatrics,

And I'm all right
with that,

But if you are planning
on using a horse,

Do us a favour and stick it
in front of her, would ya?

(laughter and chatter)

Richard:
Oh yes! Yes!

Holly:
Fantastic!

Yes! That was fantastic!

Oh my god-

Man, the dancing
and the singing!

I understood
every word.

I know.
I swear to god,

It gets better
every time.

Thank you.

It just goes to show

You've gotta keeps things
in perspective, you know?

You know, I saw a chorus line
when I was 16 on broadway, I-

I was blown away!
You know? I cried!

I love that show.

It's what made me
go into the theatre.

I used to listen to all
those albums, you know?

Damn yankees, kiss me kate.
My parents thought I was gay!

How the hell did
I wind up in new burbage?

Okay, don't torture yourself.
Come on, let's go for a drink.

You know what they are?

They're pure entertainment.

That's right.

I am so sick of hearing,
"it's a dense play",

Oh "it's a difficult play".

I've never seen anyone
come dancing and singing

Out of the swan
like we just did.

Holly:
I know and why do you think that is?

Well 'cause shakespeare...
Shakespeare's like-

400 years old.

And I don't even think
he was that good!

There, I said it.

I mean, you know,
at entertaining people.

I mean, I'm not saying
that like,

Abba were better writers-

No, no, no.
I know what you mean.

(laughs)

I don't like shakespeare.

Nobody does, richard.
That's the thing.

You put on plays that
nobody wants to see.

God, what a waste.

You're right.

You're right.

You know what?

I gonna let you in
on a little secret.

Over the past five years

I have been working
with a group of people,

Mostly lawyers and musicians
on developing a musical

Based on the life
of john lennon.

We are this close
to securing the rights. No

I've already spoken to yoko.

Ono?!

Uh huh.

Oh my god
that could be huge!

Richard:
That's got everything.

That's got romance, music,
murder in new york city!

I know!
Oh god richard,

There is so much
I want to tell you,

You know, about my vision
of the future...

Your future.

Let's go back to my condo.

I'm going to blow your mind.

Okay.

He wants me to smell myself.
That's what he said.

Maybe it was a hint,
duckie.

Ellen:
Typical darren.

Everything has
to be outrageous.

I'll never forget being
stepped on by that horse.

Frank:
(snorting) oh yes.

Geoffrey isn't a fan,
I understand.

Ellen:
Oh geoffrey hates darren.

Frank:
Well he hates everything.

Did you hear what he said

About gunter's cherry orchard
last night?

Dreadful things.

Made that young one cry.

Little edward.

Excuse me.

You can't drink here.

Oh hello, ellen.
Where's your boyfriend?

Cub scout meeting?

You're upsetting everyone.

You know,
I remember a day

When the actors would
have been thrilled

To have the artistic director
join them at the bar.

You go around
slandering everyone

And expect them
to buy you a drink?

Well, some people
welcome criticism.

In fact,
some of them believe

That the integrity
of this festival

Has been undermined by the
complacency of the old guard.

That would be you.

Everyone? Yoo hoo!

Drinks at my place,

For anyone who's
uncomfortable here.

Just a short drink.

Frank:
Uh, where do you live?

Oh uh, 23 glendon road.
Just off trinity.

Yellowish-gold tudor,
cottagy-style...

Just follow me.
Now. Come. Now.

Oh, god. Uh sorry, uh...

I mean,
just the hamlet people.

I don't have enough
liquor, sorry.

Come.

I also remember a time

When this place was
all about getting laid.

Holly:
Okay, buy up the town of new burbage.

Cosmopolitan lenstrex
is on board

So start-up shouldn't
be a problem.

We're going to expand
the festival into the town,

Make it sort of
a theatrical theme park--

Rides and exhibits
and big budget musicals

Like "mamma mia!",

And "imagine".

Oh come here.

Oh, we'll make millions!

You know where I got
the idea for this richard?

From you!

Yeah, from your silly
gift shop expansion.

Imagine if the whole
town was a gift shop?

Oh god!
Oh god!

Oh god!

Oh make me rich, baby!

Santa claus!

Richard:
Fuck!

(grunts)

Geoffrey:
Okay, that's good, but...

You know, what you're talking
about here is loss--

Catastrophic, gnawing absence.

Your wife has died,

And...

And what does this
really mean?

I mean, I think human beings,
all human beings

Are by nature selfish.
And so when we mourn,

We are actually mourning

Part of ourselves
that has died.

And you have now lost
the person that defined you,

And so in a sense you
have lost your identity.

And who are you now,
without her?

And you are uncomfortable
inside your own skin,

You have become a stranger
even to yourself.

Okay?

Phil:
The queen my lord, is dead.

She should have died hereafter.

There would have been
a time for such a word.

Tomorrow, and tomorrow,
and tomorrow...

Creeps in this petty pace
from day to day

To the last syllable
of recorded time,

And all our yesterdays
have lighted fools the way

To dusty death.

Out, out, brief candle!

Life is but a walking shadow,

A poor player that struts and
frets his hour upon the stage

And then is heard no more.

It is a tale told by an idiot,

Full of sound and fury,

Signifying nothing.

Very nice.

(enthusiastic applause)

Geoffrey:
Okay, let's call it a day.

Those of you who don't have
a really long commute

You're welcome to join us
at the theatre bar

And the first drink,
terry, is on me.

All:
Woo hoo! All right!

Terry:
Oh, thank you.

Thanks.

You were great, really.
Really great.

(nervous laugh)

Fuck, I love this.

Ghost! Step forward.
And horatio.

Look my lord-

And then the flames shoot up.

We'll have pyrotechnics here,
here, here...

Here and...

Here!
So look out people,

Or you'll be burned alive.

Then hamlet, you see your dead
father risen from the grave.

And we fly him into here!

And he hovers!

Now go.

Angles and ministers
of grace defend us!

Blah, blah, blah.
Maria!

What I want here
is darkness.

No light.
Just flames.

We'll need to vent,
but we can do that.

Excellent.
Now marcellus and horatio,

You must stay close
to your horses,

Because horses
don't like fire.

We learned that the hard way,
didn't we ellen?

I had no idea that the theatre
was so much like the movies.

Darren:
Gertrude is past her prime.

Her hair is greying,

Her tits are sagging.

I want to see her age.

And with ellen that
shouldn't be a problem.

Sorry darling.
Bad dye job, roots are showing.

I don't want to see any wigs.
No wigs!

I want yellow teeth
and hairy legs.

Oliver:
You inspire.

You have vision.

You mine the human soul
for truth.

Oh god.

Oliver:
It's a gift.

And yet you waste it

On accountants
and middle managers.

Shame. Shame.

Geoffrey:
What is wrong with me?

Maria:
Darren, it's 5:00.

Darren:
Fucking unions. That's it children,

See you tomorrow.

Ellen:
Oh um, everyone?!

Remember,
drinks at my place tonight.

All are welcome,
except geoffrey.

Terry:
She never spoke to me before.

Just like um,

"can I get my vacation
pay now or do I have to wait

'til the end of the
fiscal year," kind of thing.

Geoffrey:
Well, you can act.

And that's a turn on.

Terry:
Yes it is.

Yes it is.

Why don't you
act anymore?

Well, terry,

I had a nervous
breakdown on the stage.

Ouch.

And I can never return.

It's too humiliating
to return.

Geoff, you've got to
get back on that horse.

No.

You've got to get back
on that horse

Or you'll never get
on a horse again.

I don't want to get
on a horse again.

I'd rather direct.

Oh well...

Oh, you're a good
director, I mean...

I don't know what
I'm talking about but-

Geoffrey:
You know, there is one thing about acting that I miss.

What?

I was in love
with an actress,

A beautiful,
talented actress

And when we were
together on the stage

It was like...

I was like having
sex in public.

Oh, I love that.

And I have never felt
as close to anyone.

And we played all of the great
love scenes and we meant it.

And people would stand
and they'd cheer

And then they
would throw flowers

And then we would go home
and we would make love.

And that...

I miss that.

Because life cannot
compete with that.

I can't compete with that.

Come on.

I need you to be my second.

Okay.

What's a second?

(happy chatter)

Darren:
And he said, he said,

I could go out
and till the entwood hills.

And I said, oh really,
could you, my friend?

And he said yes.
Show me,

And this is right here in
the dressing room, mind you.

So there he did it.
And I said, you sir,

Are no peter o'toole.

Put it back in your pants,
darling.

(laughter)

Oh, he does go on,
doesn't he?

He was born talking,
duckie.

"a funny thing happened to me
in the way out of the womb",

He said, as the doctor
slapped his little body.

Oh, sorry!
Excuse me.

Sorry, sorry,
not the sideboard.

Kate:
Okay I just- I have to ask you.

Have you gone out
with supermodels?

Not supermodels.

Models?

Yeah.

But no supermodels,
I swear.

Well, one supermodel,

But she was just
a regular model

When I was going
out with her.

Was she beautiful?

No, she was one of
those ugly models.

She modeled like bandages
and farm clothes and stuff.

(laughs)

Hey, uh do you
want to sneak out

For a walk
or something?

Yeah, sure.

It's really
warm out.

Ooh! I know where
we can go.

(crash)

Geoffrey:
Terry.

Terry:
Yeah?

Geoffrey:
Bring the weaponry.

Terry:
Where are we?

What are we doing in the...

(laughs) geoff! Wait!

Geoffrey:
What noise is this?!

Oh my god!

There's the villain!

Geoffrey:
Terry?

Give him his rappier.

Hi.

What kind of game is this,
geoffrey?

Geoffrey:
You are a pompous fool.

You have no respect
for the stage

You have no business
working in the theatre.

You slaughter the text,

You fill the stage
with animals,

You...

You're just an
all-round goof.

Take up you weapon.

Geoffrey:
Terry, clear the killing field.

Buttons off!

Crowd:
Yeah! Yeah!

Ellen:
Geoffrey, what the hell are you doing!

Darren:
I don't want to fight you, geoffrey.

Geoffrey:
If it be now 'tis not to come,

If it be not to come,
it will be now.

If it be not now,
yet it will come.

The readiness is all.

And you call me pompous.

Crowd:
(shrieks)

Oh for fuck's sake.

I'm calling the police!

Kill the asshole!

Asses, not horses!

Cyril:
Smell your own armpits!

Crowd:
(concerned murmurs)

Run for your lives!

Crowd:
(screams)

Maria:
Actors!

You're all the same!

You're all a bunch of selfish,
filthy, whiney children.

Well fuck you all!

Fuck off,
you fuckers!

(battle cry)

Crowd:
(screams and shouts)

Ellen:
Oh geoffrey!

Um, I guess I better
call a cab, it's...

I'm going to kill you!

(battle yell)

Get him!

(shouts and cheers)

(splash)

Go ahead.

(laughs)

That was good.
Very nice.

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