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1
00:00:45,571 --> 00:00:47,766
Trust me. I know what I'm doing.
2
00:00:57,131 --> 00:00:59,326
17, 18, 19, 20...
3
00:01:14,131 --> 00:01:15,280
What?
4
00:01:17,371 --> 00:01:19,123
Whoa!
5
00:01:33,091 --> 00:01:35,525
You ruined my plane! You weirdo!
6
00:01:35,611 --> 00:01:39,729
- You were violating my airspace.
- We're trying to have fun.
7
00:01:39,811 --> 00:01:43,360
Grow up. Girls should
be stewardesses, not pilots.
8
00:01:44,491 --> 00:01:46,482
Good evening.
9
00:01:51,011 --> 00:01:52,444
57, 58...
10
00:01:52,531 --> 00:01:54,886
Oh, well. What's the difference?
11
00:01:54,971 --> 00:01:58,202
- One, two, three, four, five, six...
- Watch it!
12
00:02:07,011 --> 00:02:07,966
Hey!
13
00:02:08,051 --> 00:02:10,770
Stupid jogger! Out of my way!
14
00:02:10,851 --> 00:02:12,807
Watch it, slimebucket.
15
00:02:12,891 --> 00:02:15,803
Sorry. Is my fault, officer.
16
00:02:15,891 --> 00:02:18,200
Please, be my guest.
17
00:02:27,891 --> 00:02:30,689
Nyet! Our orders are to take him alive.
18
00:02:30,771 --> 00:02:32,602
We will get him later.
19
00:02:41,091 --> 00:02:44,242
Commie, you lose
the arms race and the foot race.
20
00:02:47,371 --> 00:02:49,760
Please slow down!
21
00:02:49,851 --> 00:02:53,639
This is typicaI! You Russkies
always have to cheat to win.
22
00:02:53,731 --> 00:02:58,122
- No. Please, you have to help me!
- Communists are beyond help!
23
00:02:58,211 --> 00:03:01,601
Those men, they are trying to kill me!
24
00:03:01,691 --> 00:03:04,046
- Good for them!
- God bless America!
25
00:03:06,531 --> 00:03:11,889
- Now you're hitting below the belt.
- Oh, no. No, please. Please.
26
00:03:11,971 --> 00:03:14,804
- This better not be a trick.
- Is no trick.
27
00:03:14,891 --> 00:03:16,290
Come on.
28
00:03:16,371 --> 00:03:18,885
OK. Thank you.
29
00:03:18,971 --> 00:03:22,281
The embassy says
this is Professor Vronsky.
30
00:03:22,371 --> 00:03:24,407
Da! That's who I am.
31
00:03:24,491 --> 00:03:28,166
If he's a professor,
how come his English isn't better?
32
00:03:28,251 --> 00:03:33,609
- Professor, do you know these men?
- I am sure they were the KGB.
33
00:03:33,691 --> 00:03:37,161
I escaped from Soviet Union
three months ago.
34
00:03:37,251 --> 00:03:42,279
But I am not nuclear scientist,
I am humble agronomist.
35
00:03:42,371 --> 00:03:45,522
You must be valuable.
They want to get you back.
36
00:03:45,611 --> 00:03:49,809
Have you got unpaid bills? Charge
too much on Russian Express?
37
00:03:49,891 --> 00:03:53,247
- Captain, we should call the CIA.
- No. No.
38
00:03:53,331 --> 00:03:57,563
The CIA could have the spies
from the KGB.
39
00:03:57,651 --> 00:04:00,119
You can't trust 'em - CIA, KGB, IRS.
40
00:04:00,211 --> 00:04:04,489
No, no. The only one I trust is Y-O-U.
41
00:04:04,571 --> 00:04:10,407
The Professor is flying to Springfield
for a top-leveI government conference.
42
00:04:10,491 --> 00:04:15,326
That's two changes of planes.
Airports could mean trouble, sir.
43
00:04:15,411 --> 00:04:21,088
- She's right. They lose your luggage.
- I must get to Springfield safely.
44
00:04:21,171 --> 00:04:25,926
Captain, we can get the professor
to Springfield without using a plane.
45
00:04:26,011 --> 00:04:29,606
We'll use transportation
that no one uses any more.
46
00:04:29,691 --> 00:04:32,888
We'll take a stagecoach.
I'll ride shotgun.
47
00:04:32,971 --> 00:04:37,726
- No, Hammer. I mean the train.
- Excellent idea, Doreau.
48
00:04:37,811 --> 00:04:41,645
Cooped up in a caboose
with a crummy commie!
49
00:04:44,211 --> 00:04:48,489
'The Stargazer
to Phoenix, Denver and Springfield
50
00:04:48,571 --> 00:04:50,527
'now leaving on track four. '
51
00:04:53,731 --> 00:04:58,282
OK. You're safe now.
Absolutely no one knows you're here.
52
00:04:58,371 --> 00:05:01,488
- Professor Vronsky!
- Get 'em up!
53
00:05:01,571 --> 00:05:05,200
No! Inspector Hammer,
this is Dr Johanssen.
54
00:05:05,291 --> 00:05:09,000
From the university.
She is speaking at the conference.
55
00:05:09,091 --> 00:05:12,401
- I'm from Oklahoma.
- Why are you on this train?
56
00:05:12,491 --> 00:05:14,482
I'm afraid of flying.
57
00:05:14,571 --> 00:05:18,359
I'm not afraid of anything...
except world peace.
58
00:05:18,451 --> 00:05:21,170
Sara, where are you sitting?
59
00:05:21,251 --> 00:05:26,883
I had a berth three cars down but,
apparently, the train is overbooked.
60
00:05:26,971 --> 00:05:31,362
- I wish we could give berth to you...
- I have room. Share with me.
61
00:05:31,451 --> 00:05:34,727
Oh, thank you. You're very kind.
62
00:05:34,811 --> 00:05:37,928
- This way, please.
- I'll see you, Professor.
63
00:05:43,651 --> 00:05:47,963
I knew the railroad needed
passengers, but this is ridiculous.
64
00:05:48,051 --> 00:05:53,409
- I hate to think I'm sharing with a cow.
- I vowed I'd never do it again.
65
00:05:55,611 --> 00:05:58,284
- What do you mean, again?
- I told you I was married.
66
00:05:58,371 --> 00:06:02,603
I'm sorry about this, but they loaded
this cattle car on by mistake.
67
00:06:02,691 --> 00:06:07,321
- It was supposed to be eastbound.
- At least we'll have fresh milk.
68
00:06:07,411 --> 00:06:08,685
Easy, big fella.
69
00:06:11,971 --> 00:06:13,927
Here we are.
70
00:06:19,651 --> 00:06:20,925
Hi.
71
00:06:21,011 --> 00:06:24,162
- Put some clothes on.
- Why should I?
72
00:06:25,411 --> 00:06:27,641
Let me get back to you on that.
73
00:06:29,011 --> 00:06:31,764
This is your compartment, sir.
74
00:06:38,211 --> 00:06:40,167
Ladies, please.
75
00:06:41,411 --> 00:06:43,367
Have a nice trip.
76
00:06:45,891 --> 00:06:48,564
- What's wrong?
- I have claustrophobia.
77
00:06:48,651 --> 00:06:52,326
I have spent ten years
in cramped little room like this.
78
00:06:54,571 --> 00:06:58,450
- You were in prison?
- No. Luxury condo in Moscow.
79
00:06:58,531 --> 00:07:00,965
Oh, I must get some air.
80
00:07:02,011 --> 00:07:05,924
No! No way. If I let you out there,
you might get kidnapped.
81
00:07:06,011 --> 00:07:08,923
You want your picture
on a carton of borscht?
82
00:07:09,011 --> 00:07:10,967
No, no. You're right.
83
00:07:12,011 --> 00:07:14,127
I must stay in compartment.
84
00:07:14,211 --> 00:07:17,044
But there are only two things that relax me.
85
00:07:17,131 --> 00:07:21,443
- One is chess.
- What's the other one?
86
00:07:21,531 --> 00:07:23,010
Sex.
87
00:07:25,171 --> 00:07:29,005
You will enjoy chess. It's good for nerves.
88
00:07:29,091 --> 00:07:31,924
When I became a cop,
I had my nerves removed.
89
00:07:42,131 --> 00:07:45,362
Oh, look at those lines.
90
00:07:46,851 --> 00:07:50,730
That is one well put-together
piece of machinery.
91
00:07:53,331 --> 00:07:55,526
- Rimsky.
- Korsakov.
92
00:07:56,571 --> 00:07:58,721
Come in, Comrade Parkovitch.
93
00:08:00,891 --> 00:08:05,362
Since you botched the
kidnapping, I've been sent to oversee you.
94
00:08:05,451 --> 00:08:09,410
I will make sure Professor
does not reach Springfield.
95
00:08:09,491 --> 00:08:13,530
We will have him off the train
by the time we get to Phoenix.
96
00:08:13,611 --> 00:08:18,401
I hope so, for your sake.
Meanwhile, put these on.
97
00:08:20,291 --> 00:08:23,567
With these decadent bourgeois jackets,
you can move around
98
00:08:23,651 --> 00:08:26,211
without arousing suspicion.
99
00:08:26,291 --> 00:08:28,486
Practise being American waiters.
100
00:08:30,291 --> 00:08:32,646
How many in your party?
101
00:08:32,731 --> 00:08:34,961
30 million in Communist Party.
102
00:08:37,451 --> 00:08:40,602
Comrade, are we not all equaI
under communism?
103
00:08:40,691 --> 00:08:42,443
You're right. Forgive me.
104
00:08:44,731 --> 00:08:47,689
Two men sitting across a chess board.
105
00:08:47,771 --> 00:08:50,683
We are not so different from each other.
106
00:08:51,731 --> 00:08:55,690
You forget, paI, I was born in the USA.
107
00:08:58,171 --> 00:09:00,127
Crown me.
108
00:09:01,571 --> 00:09:04,643
I am still not quite
used to your American customs.
109
00:09:04,731 --> 00:09:09,247
Like freedom of speech and the right
to bear arms? Things you don't have.
110
00:09:09,331 --> 00:09:12,482
Russian people are victims of their leaders.
111
00:09:12,571 --> 00:09:15,369
- Just like you Americans.
- Shut up.
112
00:09:15,451 --> 00:09:19,285
Don't confuse me.
Hey, let's play a game I like, huh?
113
00:09:20,531 --> 00:09:22,726
- Target practice.
- What is that?
114
00:09:22,811 --> 00:09:26,167
It's a target.
What, you never saw a target before?
115
00:09:26,251 --> 00:09:30,688
Oh. In Russia we practise
by shooting the dissidents.
116
00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:33,763
Well, here we call 'em liberals.
117
00:09:33,851 --> 00:09:37,924
If you don't mind, Inspector,
I'm too nervous to play.
118
00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:40,684
Fine. OK. All right.
119
00:09:41,691 --> 00:09:43,443
Red square.
120
00:09:45,691 --> 00:09:47,921
It's stuffy. I must get some air.
121
00:09:50,331 --> 00:09:52,765
You're right. It is stuffy in here.
122
00:09:59,091 --> 00:10:02,561
I'm gonna go out and check
and see if it's safe for you to get some air.
123
00:10:27,171 --> 00:10:28,650
From the limo!
124
00:10:30,771 --> 00:10:33,046
This is gonna be easy.
125
00:10:47,611 --> 00:10:49,044
Hey.
126
00:10:52,171 --> 00:10:54,810
No! Who are you?
127
00:10:54,891 --> 00:10:57,280
Hammer. Sledge Hammer.
128
00:10:57,371 --> 00:11:01,364
This is the last car, Scumsky.
I'm sending you back to Russia.
129
00:11:01,451 --> 00:11:05,808
Then after a long vacation in Siberia,
130
00:11:05,891 --> 00:11:11,249
you'll return to peasant life,
settle down with your 300-pound fiancee
131
00:11:11,331 --> 00:11:14,243
and go back to your job
in the cement factory.
132
00:11:14,331 --> 00:11:17,607
- No!
- Are you afraid of a little work?
133
00:11:17,691 --> 00:11:19,647
Lazy commie!
134
00:11:20,691 --> 00:11:22,647
So much for glasnost.
135
00:11:33,531 --> 00:11:36,091
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
136
00:11:40,291 --> 00:11:43,727
The tracks are messy,
but the coast is clear... Vronsky...
137
00:11:43,811 --> 00:11:45,244
Vronsky?
138
00:11:45,331 --> 00:11:47,083
Oh, God!
139
00:11:58,691 --> 00:12:02,127
- What are you doing?
- I lost my ticket.
140
00:12:02,211 --> 00:12:06,045
- Where did you see it last?
- In the professor's pocket.
141
00:12:06,131 --> 00:12:10,329
- You didn't lose the professor?
- Do you know where he is?
142
00:12:10,411 --> 00:12:11,764
- No.
- OK.
143
00:12:11,851 --> 00:12:14,524
I saved him last time,
now it's your turn.
144
00:12:18,171 --> 00:12:20,844
Sorry, Professor. That was reflex.
145
00:12:25,611 --> 00:12:28,250
I had to get some fresh air.
146
00:12:28,331 --> 00:12:31,129
From now on, no one takes their eyes
off the professor.
147
00:12:31,211 --> 00:12:33,520
Don't worry, Doreau. I've got him.
148
00:12:36,451 --> 00:12:38,407
Ah! Ooh!
149
00:12:38,491 --> 00:12:42,450
- Keep this up, I'll put you in a choke hold.
- My place at eight?
150
00:12:42,531 --> 00:12:45,648
- The professor's gone.
- You're right.
151
00:12:45,731 --> 00:12:48,848
We have to wait till the next tunneI
to get him back.
152
00:12:55,811 --> 00:12:57,563
Excuse me.
153
00:13:06,931 --> 00:13:08,887
- Weren't you next door?
- No.
154
00:13:08,971 --> 00:13:11,326
We're going to a twins' convention.
155
00:13:12,451 --> 00:13:14,965
What's next, the Twilight Zone?
156
00:13:22,891 --> 00:13:24,643
Funny place for stop sign.
157
00:13:24,731 --> 00:13:28,565
Someone must be trying
to get the professor off the train.
158
00:13:28,651 --> 00:13:30,642
This is getting exciting, isn't it?
159
00:13:30,731 --> 00:13:33,199
- What are you doing?
- Nothing. I just...
160
00:13:33,291 --> 00:13:37,125
Tell the conductor to get going.
I'll find the professor.
161
00:13:45,131 --> 00:13:46,883
Get back!
162
00:13:51,491 --> 00:13:52,765
Come in.
163
00:13:57,051 --> 00:13:58,484
Oh!
164
00:14:06,651 --> 00:14:09,006
As I thought. "Calvin Khruschev".
165
00:14:16,451 --> 00:14:18,919
Hey. This is no time to floss.
166
00:14:33,731 --> 00:14:36,882
- Hammer.
- They are desperate men.
167
00:14:36,971 --> 00:14:39,041
They want to drag me back to Russia.
168
00:14:39,131 --> 00:14:42,009
Well, misery loves company.
169
00:14:42,091 --> 00:14:45,561
I was beginning to worry.
Care to join me for dinner?
170
00:14:45,651 --> 00:14:47,289
- Da.
- Not me.
171
00:14:47,371 --> 00:14:51,444
I'm gonna catch that commie and make him
play Russian roulette the hard way,
172
00:14:51,531 --> 00:14:53,920
with a bullet in every chamber.
173
00:14:54,011 --> 00:14:58,050
Hammer? Don't you think
our first priority is the professor?
174
00:14:59,211 --> 00:15:02,806
All right. I'll eat.
I hate to kill on an empty stomach.
175
00:15:02,891 --> 00:15:06,361
But this time I'm taking no chances.
176
00:15:09,611 --> 00:15:13,081
Inspector Hammer, is this really necessary?
177
00:15:17,931 --> 00:15:19,523
Let's go.
178
00:15:19,611 --> 00:15:22,603
Wait. This is... No, here.
179
00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:28,208
You've... No, you're... Come on...
180
00:15:29,811 --> 00:15:32,245
Don't worry. I got the key.
181
00:15:36,211 --> 00:15:38,520
- Ah!
- Sorry.
182
00:15:39,811 --> 00:15:41,642
Oh!
183
00:15:41,731 --> 00:15:44,882
It's gotta be here somewhere.
184
00:15:47,371 --> 00:15:49,680
Hammer.
185
00:15:51,011 --> 00:15:53,241
Excuse me. Excuse me!
186
00:16:01,771 --> 00:16:03,727
Why don't we go eat?
187
00:16:03,811 --> 00:16:05,244
Well...
188
00:16:08,331 --> 00:16:10,925
All right. We'll look for it later.
189
00:16:11,011 --> 00:16:14,845
But I'm gonna stick closer to you
than a wet T-shirt.
190
00:16:14,931 --> 00:16:17,286
Oh, thank you, Inspector Hammer.
191
00:16:17,371 --> 00:16:20,329
What is this? From Russia With Love?
192
00:16:28,891 --> 00:16:33,567
Professor, I don't understand why
the Russians want you back so badly.
193
00:16:33,651 --> 00:16:37,564
You didn't invent anything
that could destroy America.
194
00:16:40,411 --> 00:16:44,962
There's no need. Hammer could
destroy America all by himself.
195
00:16:45,051 --> 00:16:47,121
I have been thinking.
196
00:16:47,211 --> 00:16:50,840
It could be secret project
that I'm working on
197
00:16:50,931 --> 00:16:52,842
called Operation Squash.
198
00:16:52,931 --> 00:16:55,525
Operation Squash? Sounds disgusting.
199
00:16:55,611 --> 00:16:59,081
- They'd make us all eat squash?
- No, Inspector.
200
00:16:59,171 --> 00:17:04,689
Operation Squash is a plan to remove
all the nitrogen from your soiI.
201
00:17:05,851 --> 00:17:08,649
America's farm industry would collapse.
202
00:17:08,731 --> 00:17:10,926
It's collapsing with nitrogen.
203
00:17:11,011 --> 00:17:13,366
If Operation Squash succeeds,
204
00:17:13,451 --> 00:17:18,206
Russia will controI
the entire world's food supply.
205
00:17:18,291 --> 00:17:20,486
I've had my supply. I'm stuffed.
206
00:17:24,091 --> 00:17:26,559
Take it easy, will you? Look at this.
207
00:17:26,651 --> 00:17:32,044
There are people starving in Siberia
and you're playing with your food. Come on.
208
00:17:52,931 --> 00:17:54,887
Wait. Wait.
209
00:17:56,131 --> 00:17:58,361
Logic must prevaiI.
210
00:17:58,451 --> 00:18:00,760
Let me think.
211
00:18:02,491 --> 00:18:04,243
It is...
212
00:18:05,371 --> 00:18:07,487
It is impossible.
213
00:18:08,611 --> 00:18:11,364
- Night, Sara.
- Goodnight. Thanks again.
214
00:18:32,851 --> 00:18:36,241
Da. Is good. Goodnight.
215
00:18:42,571 --> 00:18:44,527
Maybe we...
216
00:18:45,571 --> 00:18:49,086
- Excuse me a moment.
- Slowly, Professor.
217
00:19:46,331 --> 00:19:48,640
You two are animals!
218
00:19:48,731 --> 00:19:50,687
Whoa!
219
00:19:52,651 --> 00:19:55,040
Capitalist fooI!
220
00:19:55,131 --> 00:19:59,522
You are like everything made
in the USA - cheap, shoddy, worthless!
221
00:19:59,611 --> 00:20:01,806
OK, lady. That tears it.
222
00:20:01,891 --> 00:20:04,451
Insult me, but don't insult
the American worker!
223
00:20:04,531 --> 00:20:06,681
All right. Stand up.
224
00:20:06,771 --> 00:20:09,968
- Why? You'll shoot me and I'll fall down.
- Ha!
225
00:20:15,011 --> 00:20:16,444
Whoa... Ooh!
226
00:20:26,171 --> 00:20:29,208
All right, Hammer.
This is where you get off.
227
00:20:49,531 --> 00:20:51,647
Hammer?
228
00:20:52,691 --> 00:20:55,251
What is going on?
229
00:20:56,811 --> 00:20:58,767
Hammer!
230
00:21:03,811 --> 00:21:06,405
- Hammer.
- God!
231
00:21:06,491 --> 00:21:08,368
What is going on?
232
00:21:08,451 --> 00:21:11,568
I have a feeling
that woman isn't from Oklahoma.
233
00:21:23,651 --> 00:21:25,767
OK, Doreau. Cover this exit.
234
00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:33,610
Aah!
235
00:21:45,131 --> 00:21:47,042
No, you...!
236
00:21:55,171 --> 00:21:58,481
Hammer! You just hit an unarmed woman.
237
00:21:58,571 --> 00:22:00,527
That's what you think.
238
00:22:09,931 --> 00:22:13,640
A man! How did you know?
239
00:22:14,691 --> 00:22:17,842
I realised we both used
the same aftershave lotion.
240
00:22:23,291 --> 00:22:28,046
See? That is a good colour on you.
Makes your fingers look much longer.
241
00:22:28,131 --> 00:22:31,123
They'll stop at nothing.
They'll do anything.
242
00:22:31,211 --> 00:22:37,650
Incredible. A top agent
dressed as a woman. Clever rascals.
243
00:22:37,731 --> 00:22:41,929
It's gonna be a hot day in Siberia
before you get outta jaiI, paI...
244
00:22:42,011 --> 00:22:44,320
Or girlie or what do I call him?
245
00:22:44,411 --> 00:22:47,130
- He's not going to jaiI.
- What do you mean?
246
00:22:47,211 --> 00:22:50,726
The Russians want him back.
They're arranging a swap.
247
00:22:50,811 --> 00:22:55,885
- What do we get? Ballet dancers?
- No. One of our journalists.
248
00:22:55,971 --> 00:22:58,644
Great! As if we don't have enough of them.
249
00:22:59,691 --> 00:23:02,444
- You must be some kind of big shot.
- Yes.
250
00:23:02,531 --> 00:23:04,726
My country spent a fortune on me.
251
00:23:04,811 --> 00:23:10,602
Hormone injections,
electrolysis and wardrobe.
252
00:23:10,691 --> 00:23:14,570
- So you could be a KGB assassin?
- No.
253
00:23:14,651 --> 00:23:19,167
No. They spent it so I could enter
Miss Iron Curtain contest.
254
00:23:21,811 --> 00:23:25,087
They may have a winner.
You don't know.
255
00:23:25,137 --> 00:23:29,687
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