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1
00:00:47,536 --> 00:00:49,970
Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
2
00:00:59,376 --> 00:01:02,686
'Hammer, ever thought
about taking up meditation?
3
00:01:02,776 --> 00:01:05,449
'It might controI
your aggressive tendencies. '
4
00:01:05,536 --> 00:01:09,324
What, are you brain dead?!
5
00:01:09,416 --> 00:01:12,772
- What was that, Doreau?
- Sledge, look, trouble.
6
00:01:12,856 --> 00:01:15,848
Why don't
these deadbeats get jobs?
7
00:01:15,936 --> 00:01:20,327
How long's he been up there?
8
00:01:20,416 --> 00:01:24,728
- Police officer. What's going on?
- That man says he's going to jump.
9
00:01:26,576 --> 00:01:29,613
- I'll get a bullhorn, talk him down.
- I can handle this.
10
00:01:30,376 --> 00:01:31,934
Hammer!
11
00:01:46,736 --> 00:01:50,934
Another life saved.
And I still have one bullet left.
12
00:01:51,616 --> 00:01:57,532
Can we stop at my bank? I'll get some
cash, then you can buy me breakfast.
13
00:02:17,416 --> 00:02:19,566
'Have a nice day. '
14
00:02:22,656 --> 00:02:24,612
This'll just take a second.
15
00:02:30,296 --> 00:02:35,211
'Transaction cannot be processed
at this time due to insufficient funds. '
16
00:02:35,296 --> 00:02:39,289
Listen, sucker,
you need some reprogramming.
17
00:02:40,896 --> 00:02:45,253
Hammer, please! Blowing away
this machine won't solve anything.
18
00:02:45,336 --> 00:02:49,295
Let's go inside and straighten this out
like civiI human beings.
19
00:02:52,936 --> 00:02:54,494
Thank you.
20
00:02:58,096 --> 00:02:59,449
'Ouch!'
21
00:02:59,536 --> 00:03:03,324
I'm saying this for the third and last time.
22
00:03:03,416 --> 00:03:05,725
We are foreclosing on your home.
23
00:03:05,816 --> 00:03:09,695
You have three days to pack up
and vacate said premises.
24
00:03:11,896 --> 00:03:13,852
What are you? Deaf?
25
00:03:17,856 --> 00:03:21,690
Oh, and don't forget
your free banking bunny.
26
00:03:21,776 --> 00:03:24,210
Now, remember, three days.
27
00:03:30,056 --> 00:03:32,365
How may I help you?
28
00:03:32,456 --> 00:03:37,371
Well, HaI 9000 out there tells me I have
insufficient funds in my account.
29
00:03:37,736 --> 00:03:39,886
- It's screwed up.
- I'm sorry, sir.
30
00:03:39,976 --> 00:03:45,369
- Those machines never make mistakes.
- Look, I made a deposit two days ago.
31
00:03:45,456 --> 00:03:47,572
I want my money!
32
00:03:47,656 --> 00:03:50,568
All right, sir, I'll check it out.
33
00:03:52,296 --> 00:03:55,129
Your friend's high strung, isn't he?
34
00:03:55,216 --> 00:03:57,525
Your name, please.
35
00:03:57,616 --> 00:04:01,655
- Sledge Hammer.
- Sledge... Hammer.
36
00:04:01,736 --> 00:04:04,250
Where were you born? A tooI shed?
37
00:04:05,736 --> 00:04:08,694
You think that's funny?
You can do better than that.
38
00:04:08,776 --> 00:04:11,529
I'm not as easy an audience
as the old lady
39
00:04:11,616 --> 00:04:14,005
so go ahead, make me laugh
40
00:04:14,096 --> 00:04:16,007
or I'll have you in stitches!
41
00:04:16,096 --> 00:04:20,533
Hammer, let him go.
Remember what I said - civiI human being.
42
00:04:24,416 --> 00:04:28,011
All right, I do want
one of those bank bunnies.
43
00:04:28,096 --> 00:04:30,564
Freeze! This is a hold-up!
44
00:04:30,656 --> 00:04:33,409
Put your hands on your head
or I'll blow 'em away,
45
00:04:33,496 --> 00:04:37,250
then you'll have no place
to put your hands!
46
00:04:44,416 --> 00:04:46,372
Back up! Back up!
47
00:04:49,016 --> 00:04:50,574
Come on!
48
00:04:51,496 --> 00:04:55,808
Hey, kid, I thought I told you
to put your hands on top of your head.
49
00:04:55,896 --> 00:04:58,854
I can't, mister,
I'm holding my piggy bank.
50
00:05:01,056 --> 00:05:04,890
- Mom!
- Now you're not holding nothin'!
51
00:05:05,896 --> 00:05:08,933
That yoghurt-sucking mutant!
52
00:05:09,016 --> 00:05:11,450
I'm gonna close his account.
53
00:05:11,536 --> 00:05:14,209
- Get outta my way!
- I'll have that.
54
00:05:17,176 --> 00:05:18,928
My gun was in that purse.
55
00:05:20,416 --> 00:05:22,976
- Move over!
- Come on, Cliff, hurry up!
56
00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:26,844
I thought I told you
not to use first names, Lou!
57
00:05:26,936 --> 00:05:28,892
Er... sorry.
58
00:05:30,496 --> 00:05:33,454
Hammer, hold off! There are two of them.
59
00:05:34,296 --> 00:05:37,572
You're right.
And I only have one bullet left.
60
00:05:37,656 --> 00:05:41,649
But don't ever touch my hand
when I'm going for my gun!
61
00:05:42,736 --> 00:05:46,172
Only a very disturbed person
would say something like that.
62
00:05:46,256 --> 00:05:49,931
Hey, look, paI, huh?
Spending money for Rio!
63
00:05:54,416 --> 00:05:58,375
- We gotta do something.
- I know. My arms are cramping up.
64
00:05:59,856 --> 00:06:02,893
Must be a silent alarm
around here somewhere.
65
00:06:19,776 --> 00:06:21,732
Hit the silent alarm.
66
00:06:22,296 --> 00:06:24,252
Hit the silent alarm!
67
00:06:47,096 --> 00:06:49,656
Why don't you hit the silent alarm?
68
00:06:53,696 --> 00:06:56,768
Because we don't have a silent alarm, sir.
69
00:06:59,616 --> 00:07:01,368
Get outta the way!
70
00:07:04,416 --> 00:07:07,294
Cops. And they're multiplying.
71
00:07:15,696 --> 00:07:18,494
Wow! How'd they get here so fast?
72
00:07:18,576 --> 00:07:22,285
There's a doughnut shop
around the corner.
73
00:07:30,256 --> 00:07:32,645
All right, brief me on the situation.
74
00:07:32,736 --> 00:07:35,489
Two gunmen are holding
about a dozen hostages
75
00:07:35,576 --> 00:07:38,534
and I think
Inspector Sledge Hammer's inside.
76
00:07:38,616 --> 00:07:41,813
- Why do you say that?
- Isn't that his car?
77
00:07:42,976 --> 00:07:46,127
That's it, all right. Oh, those poor people!
78
00:07:46,216 --> 00:07:49,174
- The hostages, sir?
- No, the robbers.
79
00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:55,608
Here, folks, is the man
who set off the alarm.
80
00:07:57,096 --> 00:07:59,849
- A regular hero.
- Oh, I wouldn't call myself a hero.
81
00:07:59,936 --> 00:08:02,655
- That's a word that's bandied about...
- Shut up.
82
00:08:02,736 --> 00:08:07,730
- You might just say concerned citizen.
- Look, I'm just itching to blow you away.
83
00:08:07,816 --> 00:08:11,809
- I know the feeling.
- So don't push me!
84
00:08:11,896 --> 00:08:16,208
Or you'll pay, understand? Now, say yes.
No! Say, "Yes, sir. "
85
00:08:18,456 --> 00:08:20,412
Yes...
86
00:08:25,656 --> 00:08:26,611
sir.
87
00:08:35,376 --> 00:08:39,335
Dori Doreau, it didn't count.
I had my fingers crossed!
88
00:08:40,176 --> 00:08:42,849
How's it coming with that phone line?
89
00:08:43,776 --> 00:08:45,732
We're hooked up, sir.
90
00:08:51,576 --> 00:08:57,492
No! I want golden boy to answer it.
He's gonna be my new secretary.
91
00:08:57,576 --> 00:09:02,650
- My shorthand isn't really up to snuff...
- Just answer the phone! Pick it up.
92
00:09:05,136 --> 00:09:07,411
2nd NationaI Bank. Hostage speaking.
93
00:09:07,496 --> 00:09:11,694
Hammer, this is Trunk.
Have they hurt anyone?
94
00:09:12,456 --> 00:09:14,890
- No.
- Have YOU hurt anyone?
95
00:09:16,296 --> 00:09:17,729
Not yet.
96
00:09:17,816 --> 00:09:22,253
I don't want you to endanger
any people's lives, you understand me?
97
00:09:22,336 --> 00:09:25,009
Put one of the slimy thugs on.
98
00:09:25,096 --> 00:09:28,406
Slimy thug, it's the police. For you.
99
00:09:29,816 --> 00:09:34,048
- And don't tie it up too long cos...
- Get over there, wise guy!
100
00:09:34,136 --> 00:09:36,331
Yep? What?
101
00:09:36,416 --> 00:09:39,374
Listen, this is Captain Trunk.
102
00:09:39,456 --> 00:09:42,971
Come out and give yourselves up.
Let's end this peacefully.
103
00:09:43,056 --> 00:09:46,765
You think we're fools?
We step outside, you blow us away!
104
00:09:46,856 --> 00:09:51,088
- I saw Dog Day Afternoon.
- 'Listen, that's not gonna happen. '
105
00:09:51,176 --> 00:09:55,374
As a show of good faith,
send some of the hostages out.
106
00:09:55,456 --> 00:09:57,208
Great idea
107
00:09:57,296 --> 00:10:01,130
I'll send 'em out. In body bags... pig!
108
00:10:13,696 --> 00:10:16,369
Here's your coffee... sir.
109
00:10:16,456 --> 00:10:18,412
Thanks, sweetheart.
110
00:10:21,336 --> 00:10:23,292
This guy is dead meat!
111
00:10:24,216 --> 00:10:28,129
One bullet, two scum-suckers.
Decisions, decisions, huh?
112
00:10:28,216 --> 00:10:30,776
Just have to figure out how to do it.
113
00:10:30,856 --> 00:10:33,689
- Do what?
- Get 'em to stand in single file.
114
00:10:39,536 --> 00:10:42,255
- Hey, mister, I'm hungry.
- I'm hungry, too.
115
00:10:42,336 --> 00:10:47,330
- Yeah, we're hungry, too!
- OK, OK, we'll get some food.
116
00:10:47,416 --> 00:10:50,214
- Everybody like pizza?
- Yeah!
117
00:10:50,296 --> 00:10:53,732
I am actually on
a rather strict macrobiotic diet.
118
00:10:56,376 --> 00:11:01,052
Well, unless it's pepperoni
cos in that case... I love any kind of...
119
00:11:01,136 --> 00:11:04,412
Or.. er... fish. Pizza would be great.
120
00:11:11,416 --> 00:11:13,566
OK, Greg, you know what to do.
121
00:11:17,496 --> 00:11:19,771
- He's clean.
- All right.
122
00:11:19,856 --> 00:11:22,575
Take those pizzas
and put 'em on that desk.
123
00:11:24,016 --> 00:11:26,610
Nice and slow.
124
00:11:57,856 --> 00:12:01,565
We ask for pizza, they send you
a guy with a gun! He's a cop!
125
00:12:01,656 --> 00:12:05,410
Not necessarily.
Competition between pizza joints is fierce.
126
00:12:05,496 --> 00:12:07,452
Shut the heck up.
127
00:12:08,576 --> 00:12:13,047
Get up! Listen, pig, you tell Trunk
we want a plane outta here.
128
00:12:13,136 --> 00:12:16,890
If he doesn't agree in two minutes,
I'm killing somebody.
129
00:12:16,976 --> 00:12:18,887
Now, out!
130
00:12:28,776 --> 00:12:31,336
Now, I need a volunteer.
131
00:12:32,336 --> 00:12:36,534
We all know who the volunteer is.
Is there any question? I don't think so.
132
00:12:36,616 --> 00:12:39,972
Figures our hero would volunteer
to be the first to go!
133
00:12:40,056 --> 00:12:43,128
- What did I tell you?
- I've been waiting to do this all day.
134
00:12:43,216 --> 00:12:45,411
Come on down!
135
00:12:46,296 --> 00:12:51,165
Stop! I'm a police officer.
I should be in that chair, not him.
136
00:12:51,256 --> 00:12:54,931
- Shoot me first.
- Wait a minute, lady, I volunteered.
137
00:12:58,176 --> 00:13:01,134
Huh! Turn around!
138
00:13:02,616 --> 00:13:05,892
- Get in the chair!
- Here's your chance.
139
00:13:05,976 --> 00:13:07,534
Move!
140
00:13:09,216 --> 00:13:15,325
Well, sissy, it looks like this foxy cop
just saved your life.
141
00:13:15,416 --> 00:13:18,772
She's more of a man than you are. Move!
142
00:13:18,856 --> 00:13:21,211
Cover him, cover him. Relax.
143
00:13:53,936 --> 00:13:57,406
Attention in there.
We will meet your demands.
144
00:13:57,496 --> 00:13:59,248
All right!
145
00:13:59,336 --> 00:14:04,456
We're all free! We're on our way to Rio!
You thought I was a fooI!
146
00:14:08,696 --> 00:14:12,450
Boy, if this keeps up,
I'm gonna have to take a cold shower!
147
00:14:14,416 --> 00:14:17,374
Hey, where do you think you're going,
sweet-lips?
148
00:14:17,456 --> 00:14:21,608
If there's anything I hate worse than a cop,
it's a chick who's a cop.
149
00:14:21,696 --> 00:14:25,689
- What have you got against cops?
- My old lady was a cop.
150
00:14:25,776 --> 00:14:28,131
My mother the cop!
151
00:14:28,216 --> 00:14:32,528
Know what it feels like to be breast fed
by a person in a shoulder holster?
152
00:14:32,616 --> 00:14:37,895
So robbing banks is your sad, demented
way of getting back at your mother.
153
00:14:38,736 --> 00:14:41,296
Yeah... maybe you're right.
154
00:14:42,616 --> 00:14:48,248
I never opened up to anyone before.
Rather ironic that I must shoot you now.
155
00:14:48,336 --> 00:14:53,569
Listen, creep, take my advice. You got
what you want, you're almost outta here.
156
00:14:53,656 --> 00:14:56,773
Don't blow it by doing something stupid.
157
00:14:56,856 --> 00:14:59,131
Yeah... maybe you're right.
158
00:15:00,296 --> 00:15:04,687
But don't ever touch my hand
when I'm going for my gun.
159
00:15:21,176 --> 00:15:23,326
Secure the bus. Hurry up.
160
00:15:26,816 --> 00:15:30,889
All right, listen up in there, toads.
161
00:15:30,976 --> 00:15:35,849
Your transportation has arrived.
162
00:15:35,936 --> 00:15:40,885
- I ain't holding hands with another guy.
- Just do it, jerk!
163
00:15:44,656 --> 00:15:47,568
All right, come on.
Move out, come on. Move.
164
00:15:47,656 --> 00:15:49,965
Come on, come on! Move it.
165
00:15:50,056 --> 00:15:52,775
Keep going, keep going. That's good.
166
00:15:52,856 --> 00:15:56,690
Come on! Out, out! Come on!
Come on, move it!
167
00:15:56,776 --> 00:15:59,131
Come on. Don't crowd me.
168
00:15:59,216 --> 00:16:04,336
That's right, move. Come on, let's go.
Come on. Wait, wait a minute.
169
00:16:04,416 --> 00:16:06,725
- I can't believe it, Captain.
- What?
170
00:16:06,816 --> 00:16:10,809
- Hammer's holding hands with a man.
- Very interesting.
171
00:16:11,496 --> 00:16:13,532
Run, kid, run!
172
00:16:16,576 --> 00:16:18,567
Get in the bus, get in the bus!
173
00:16:29,056 --> 00:16:34,005
See, we're almost home free, Lou, huh?
Your sister can have that operation now.
174
00:16:35,976 --> 00:16:38,968
Drive like your life depended on it, baby,
175
00:16:39,056 --> 00:16:41,012
because it does.
176
00:16:42,416 --> 00:16:45,408
Do you mind?
You're blocking the rear-view.
177
00:16:46,256 --> 00:16:50,215
Get that plane as far away
from the terminaI as you possibly can.
178
00:16:50,296 --> 00:16:54,653
Sir, I don't wanna second guess you,
but to just give in to them like this.
179
00:16:54,736 --> 00:16:58,285
Mayjoy, they've got a plane,
a tank full of fueI,
180
00:16:58,376 --> 00:17:01,368
but no one ever said anything about a pilot.
181
00:17:16,216 --> 00:17:20,494
Your buddy mentioned something
about your sister needing an operation.
182
00:17:20,576 --> 00:17:23,613
- That's too bad.
- Yeah, it's tough.
183
00:17:23,696 --> 00:17:28,053
She's only 16. I never really thought
her nose was that big.
184
00:17:30,096 --> 00:17:32,894
98 bottles of beer on the wall
185
00:17:32,976 --> 00:17:35,171
98 bottles of beer
186
00:17:35,256 --> 00:17:40,808
You take one down, pass it around
97 bottles of beer on the wall
187
00:17:40,896 --> 00:17:44,684
- 97 bottles of beer...
- All of you, shut up already!
188
00:17:44,776 --> 00:17:46,528
We're here.
189
00:17:51,976 --> 00:17:55,935
Have you noticed there's something
important missing from this plane?
190
00:17:56,016 --> 00:17:59,167
Those teeny little liquor bottles, the little...
191
00:18:00,136 --> 00:18:02,092
There's no pilot!
192
00:18:07,656 --> 00:18:12,172
Everything's under controI, Chief.
They're not going anywhere.
193
00:18:21,856 --> 00:18:23,812
No pilot, huh?
194
00:18:26,336 --> 00:18:28,770
I didn't see a pilot.
Who's flying this plane?
195
00:18:28,856 --> 00:18:32,610
'Good afternoon.
This is your pilot Cliff speaking. '
196
00:18:32,696 --> 00:18:36,848
- That answer your question?
- Please, please, help me! I'm scared!
197
00:18:36,936 --> 00:18:39,086
Get off!
198
00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:45,812
Hit him!
199
00:18:49,096 --> 00:18:53,055
- You enjoyed that, didn't you, Doreau?
- Get to the cockpit, Hammer!
200
00:18:59,576 --> 00:19:01,248
Hi, honey, I'm home.
201
00:19:02,576 --> 00:19:06,808
- Flight's cancelled, maggot.
- Who do you think you are?
202
00:19:06,896 --> 00:19:10,525
- Inspector Sledge Hammer.
- YOU'RE with the police department?
203
00:19:10,616 --> 00:19:13,813
No, no, no, no!
I AM the police department.
204
00:19:13,896 --> 00:19:16,615
- Now, let's take the plane down.
- Down?
205
00:19:16,696 --> 00:19:19,369
- Yeah, that's right.
- No problem!
206
00:19:27,656 --> 00:19:31,171
Ow! PainfuI, right? Ooh, wow!
207
00:19:44,576 --> 00:19:46,726
This is for that little kid's piggy bank!
208
00:19:47,736 --> 00:19:50,409
And this is for hitting me!
209
00:19:50,496 --> 00:19:52,487
And this is for calling me names!
210
00:19:53,816 --> 00:19:56,614
And this is for ordering pizza!
211
00:19:56,696 --> 00:20:00,291
And this is for making me
hold hands with another guy!
212
00:20:04,216 --> 00:20:07,765
- What was that for?
- That was gratuitous.
213
00:20:13,936 --> 00:20:16,894
All right, all right,
hold your applause till the end.
214
00:20:16,976 --> 00:20:21,128
Sit back and relax. We should be
crashing in about three minutes.
215
00:20:21,216 --> 00:20:24,765
Crashing? Oh, no!
What do you mean?
216
00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:33,650
Doreau, get outta here.
The cockpit is for men only.
217
00:20:33,736 --> 00:20:35,886
What do you want me to do,
serve coffee
218
00:20:35,976 --> 00:20:40,686
I'll take mine black. No sugar.
That makes me jumpy. Just black. Ah!
219
00:20:45,896 --> 00:20:48,854
Whoa!
220
00:21:02,456 --> 00:21:07,291
I'm trying to explain to you. I've had
1,800 hours of solo flight experience.
221
00:21:08,856 --> 00:21:11,290
Hey, that's not that much!
222
00:21:18,176 --> 00:21:22,010
- All our fueI's been dumped!
- I hate when that happens.
223
00:21:22,936 --> 00:21:27,054
Our only choice now is to make
a crash landing. Tell the others.
224
00:21:27,136 --> 00:21:30,287
- Try and sound positive.
- So what's positive?
225
00:21:30,376 --> 00:21:33,573
That not all of us are going to hell?
226
00:21:38,336 --> 00:21:44,445
Listen up, people. I got good news for
everybody who bought flight insurance.
227
00:22:04,856 --> 00:22:07,211
Oh... oh!
228
00:22:07,296 --> 00:22:09,446
Ohhh!
229
00:22:16,776 --> 00:22:20,132
Whoooo!
230
00:22:20,216 --> 00:22:24,971
Boy, I don't know about your flying
but your crashing is great!
231
00:22:25,056 --> 00:22:27,729
Pow! That was terrific.
232
00:22:27,816 --> 00:22:30,933
- Let's see if we have any casualties.
- Right.
233
00:22:32,096 --> 00:22:34,246
Stay back or I'll cut you!
234
00:22:40,056 --> 00:22:41,614
Ahh!
235
00:22:50,416 --> 00:22:51,974
Where are we?
236
00:23:02,296 --> 00:23:06,448
You know, it's true. You are safer
in a plane than on a highway.
237
00:23:14,376 --> 00:23:16,526
This freak better be fixed by now.
238
00:23:19,056 --> 00:23:23,413
'Your personaI ID number
has been discontinued.
239
00:23:23,496 --> 00:23:26,056
'This card is no longer valid. '
240
00:23:32,496 --> 00:23:35,454
Remember that last bullet? Use it.
241
00:23:35,504 --> 00:23:40,054
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