Original subtitles

Lunch is served.

Eat and weep.

Hey, grab me a good one, Billy.

I got you.

- I got salami. - Damn it, I wanted salami!

Yes, roast beef.

(Mac) Meatball sub, come to me.

She got the meatball! Get in there, man!

Winner, winner, chicken parm.

(Stats) Prosciutto, mmm!

Thanks, Billy.

Thanks for getting your cop discount, babe.

These sandwiches are the best in town.

(Theresa) Yeah, it sucks that they don't give EMTS a discount.

Oh, don't worry about it.

We're used to being the redheaded stepchild of emergency services.

What is so criminal about being a redheaded stepchild?

It's not like they can help it.

Sorry, my dad remarried into blondes.

- It was hard. - It's cool.

I don't trust blondes neither 'cause Nazis and Rocky IV

and that little evil kid from Harry Potter

and that other little evil kid from Game of Thrones.

Caprese? Oh, hell, no!

Caprese is a bullshit sandwich.

Ain't even a sandwich.

It's a goddamn salad on a bun.

(Brian) You can share with me, Cash.

I brought some leftovers from home.

What you got there, boy?

Sloppy Joe?

How old are you, man?

I love them so much that my mom started calling them

"sloppy Brians."

(Johnny) I can't believe your mom

is literally still packing your lunch for you.

Oh, I can. He lives with his parents.

His mom probably laid out his uniform and some fresh undies

on his bed for him this morning.

First of all... And I can't believe

I still have to explain this to you guys-

I don't live with my parents.

I live under my parents,

in the basement, which has its own door.

- That's dope. - It is dope, Billy.

And second, I'm only living with them

until I can save up enough to buy a house.

I think that is really responsible.

I bet you already have most of your down payment.

Oh, no, no, no, no, Stats.

I'm not falling into the mortgage trap.

Oof.

When I say that I'm saving up to buy a house,

I mean that I am saving up to buy a house.

The whole house?

You know with what we make that will take forever.

Not forever. 17 years.

(Cash) Kevin, you can rationalize it any way you want to.

But the truth is, and we all know it,

you live with your mama.

(Johnny) Don't be ashamed, Brian, making the big move is scary.

Believe me.

I was terrified of committing to Theresa.

And I was up against a lot...

My DNA, my parents' marriage, the culture I grew up in.

It was a sociological trifecta.

I know how to pick 'em.

And yet, I have never been so happy as I am now,

waking up next every morning next to this beautiful woman.

You know?

I got over my fears, and now my life's perfect.

So why aren't you married?

- Becau... shut up, Voo. - Uh-huh.

Hey, gang, we got a leg wound in Rogers Park.

Who wants it?

It's our turn. We'll go.

You know, sometimes fear can be good, though.

For years, I was terrified of the rutabaga.

- The vegetable? - Why?

Have you seen one?

They look unholy.

But one fateful day, a beautiful young chef

talked me into trying one.

What happened?

Tasted like shit.

Yeah, but you got with that chef, though, right?

Yes, I did.

It's that beautiful young chef.

[Both laughing]

[Hip-hop music]

Sync & Corrections by Darcade - Addic7ed.com -

3G.

(Hank) What is that smell?

I hate to tell you, but it gets worse.

I did not invite you in this house.

You cannot come in.

They're EMTS,

not vampires, Richard.

Sir, we just need to get a look at your leg.

(All) Oh!

I told you this would happen.

Medical people are so theatrical.

- It's bad, right? - Yeah.

- Yeah - Yeah, it's not good.

Uh-uh.

(Johnny) Um, will you gentlemen give us a second?

You call yourself my friend.

You are not.

- Those are maggots. - Uh-huh.

- A lot of maggots. - Yeah.

I noticed the maggot situation too.

[Gasps]

- You okay, Brian? - [Exhales deeply]

Brian, go in the kitchen.

No, I'm a professional. It's good.

- Brian, go in the kitchen. - No, it's maggots.

Just maggots.

- Go in the kitchen right now. - Okay.

Yeah.

All right, sir, um... [Clears throat]

How long have you had that injury?

I don't know.

A month or two.

I was splitting frozen hamburgers...

Uh-huh.

Because I was nicely making dinner for my friend here,

when the knife, it just slipped and went right into my leg.

- Ah. - You know, with all

the technology, we still have not figured out

how to make frozen hamburgers splittable.

Do you believe that?

Oh, can we not talk about hamburgers right now?

Yeah. No.

How... how you doing, Brian?

(Johnny) Brian?

- Oh, I vomited, I'm fine. - Okay.

I am not going to the hospital.

No, look, we strongly recommend

that you let us take you in so you can get that treated.

I'm treating it! See?

I've cut the left leg off all my trousers

so that the air can circulate properly.

He's afraid of hospitals.

- That's very common. - Oh, yeah.

People go into hospitals every day,

and they never come out.

And it's a well-known fact that they have super infections

and flesh-eating bacteria in there.

Sir, you have flesh-eating maggots in your leg right now.

Yes, but it's good for the wound.

Cleans it out.

Did you put maggots in there on purpose

because of something you read on the Internet?

No.

It was a happy accident.

(Johnny) Let's just get you to your chariot.

- Do not touch me! - Yeah. You know what?

I'm done. I'll see you outside.

Look, dispatch, we got a white coat syndrome.

I'm gonna need somebody to meet me outside of city

in ten minutes with something strong.

Look, look, it moves for me.

I don't even need my neck anymore.

- Good riddance. - Mm.

Hey, here's the remote for your TV.

You guys, you guys are the best.

(Both) Aw. Thanks.

Proud of you, buddy.

No, I was talking to my maggots.

I'm gonna miss them so much.

But, you know, they've got to spread their wings and fly.

You can't stay a larva forever.

Larvae Maria

- Surprisingly good. - Yeah.

Somebody call for gelatin?

Oh, yes. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Now, Hank, does this remind you of anybody we know?

Somebody who, say, has a bunch of crazy rationalizations

based on fear?

Oh, someone who might be just as happy as Richard here

if he made an equally big move?

Guys, I see what you're doing.

But I don't have maggots in my leg.

There's no reason for me to move out right now.

Hey, Gabby.

Go ahead and try. Gabby doesn't care.

She gets it. Huh?

Gabby, what do you think about Brian still living at home

with his parents?

- Oh, God, I hate it. - Mm.

- [Gasps] - What?

You live with your parents? You're a grown man.

That's crazy.

I mean, I tolerate it because I like you.

But I have to take two buses to get there.

I've been straight up lying to my friends

because I don't want to have to defend dating you,

and every time I spend the night,

I can't sleep because of those two old birds

squawking upstairs.

- Whoa. - That's a little harsh, Gabby.

No, she's not talking about my parents.

My family are bird people.

Got an African Grey and a beautiful Scarlet macaw.

That is the least surprising fact I've ever heard.

I love it here.

They don't even allow you to wear pants.

I thought I liked pants.

I do not.

No pants, no problem!

Okay, you got this, Gabby?

[Laughs]

Those birds, Bok-bok and Margot, they love you.

Brian.

Baby, I just want you to know

that I am not afraid of our future.

Aw, thanks, baby.

I'm kind of excited about it, actually.

Like, I have all these visualizations.

Visualizations?

Like what?

Okay, like, a couple of weeks ago, when you were at my place,

you were wearing that pretty blue dress,

you stood right behind that big blue spaghetti pot

my moms got me, and, babe,

it was just, like, the perfect angle

where the pot looked like your pregnant belly.

What?

Since then, I've been imagining you pregnant,

like, all the time.

I can't wait for you to get all fat,

your skin stretched all tight.

Ew, stop that.

I can't. I'm seeing it right now in my mind's eye.

Now you're breast-feeding.

It's so tender. [Laughs]

Billy, I don't even know if I want to have kids.

I have nine brothers and sisters.

My mom was basically pregnant for, like, 15 years straight.

I don't want to do that.

I have plans, dreams.

Oh, I didn't know that. What are they?

Well, I have plans to have dreams...

Someday.

I want to go to Europe.

You've already been to Europe.

I want to go to Europe again.

Okay, well, you can do all your dreams

until we get married and start a family.

Then you raise the babies, and when they all growed up,

you can do your dreams again.

That's like... that's like two solid dream-chunks of your life.

(Man) Can I order a shot of Tequila over here?

Great idea.

I can't wait for you to get so fat, you got to, like, waddle.

- [Laughs] - Babe.

Babe, all right... Go ahead, man, go ahead.

No, no, go ahead.

Babe?

Baby, hey.

Okay, baby,

put your hand on your back like this real quick...

You know, like, how the pregnant ladies do, you know?

They got to, like, support their lower back.

[Doorbell buzzes]

Hey.

Billy?

[Sobbing]

Billy, a cup of warm milk for a grown man.

Thanks, Johnny.

Thanks for letting me stay here, bro.

Right, and why is that happening again?

You and Maeve didn't live together.

Too many memories in that apartment, man.

I can't go back there.

Okay.

Okay. And how long are we thinking?

You can stay as long as you like.

You know what the worst part is?

Hmm?

I can't visualize future Maeve no more.

Mm.

My mind's eye only has access to past Maeve.

I mean, like...

Like, I can still see her boobies if I think real hard.

- Mm-hmm. - But, it just...

Okay, okay. Here we go again.

- Um, maybe... - Aw.

You want some cookies? Would you like some cookies?

- Mm-hmm. - Okay.

- Yeah, but not... - Huh?

- But... - What?

Use your words, Billy.

Not... not chocolate chip because...

(Johnny) Okay. I think we have oatmeal raisin.

Okay.

[Billy sobbing in distance]

[Whispering] He can't stay here.

[Whispering] Mm-mm.

You got to talk to Maeve, get her to take him back.

Yeah, right.

I can't get Maeve to do anything that I want her to do.

She'll do the opposite.

Besides, I did speak to her

and I think this breakup is for good.

What happened?

Billy freaked her out by telling her

how sexy she would look pregnant.

- That's so weird. - It's not that weird.

There's a whole porn genre dedicated to it.

- Well, don't tell Billy that. - Oh, he knows.

[Billy continues sobbing]

I knew she would do this to him one day.

(Billy) Mi Amor.

We should go out and check on him.

But I kind of want to keep whispering, you know?

- I know, it's fun, right? - It's kind of making me...

Yeah, it's good.

(Billy) I miss her so much.

All right, let's go.

Okay, let's use these voices later.

[Johnny, normal voice] Hey, buddy, how you feeling?

Hey, man.

Did you clean the kitchen?

Yeah, I hope that's okay.

I couldn't really sleep last night.

- What is all of this? - Eggs Florentine.

The Dutch apple pancakes are gonna be ready

in about five minutes.

I got a little fresh Caf? Bustelo

waiting for you guys.

[Gasps]

T.

My boy, Johnny.

Thank you, Billy.

This is amaz...

Hey, what happened?

I'm just looking at these eggs,

and I'm thinking about all the eggs

inside your sister that I won't ever get to fertilize.

Ah.

He knows more about the reproductive system

than I would've guessed.

Oh, Billy, you really don't have to do this.

Ah, that's okay, T.

Keeping busy helps keep my mind off things.

- Oh. - Yeah, T.

Let the guy keep busy.

Aw, man.

That's so cute, the way you guys banter.

Maeve and I used to banter.

[Sobs]

Oh, more crumbs.

Oh, thanks, bro.

- Yeah, you bet. - Thanks, man.

All right, I'm gonna go get your pancakes, okay?

Fantastic.

We never eat like this.

- John. - Hmm?

You are being ridiculous.

Mmm.

My God, this coffee is good.

Wait till you dig into this Florentine.

He is the best roommate in the world,

I mean, if you can tune out the crying, which I can do.

Aren't you kind of taking advantage of him?

No, that's the best part.

We're helping him.

By not doing anything?

Yeah, it's great.

It's like, um... It's like passive helping.

(Johnny) Who knew that was a thing, huh?

It's not a thing.

The truth is you can't help other people.

You can be there for them.

But when you get right down to it,

people have to help themselves.

It has to come from within.

Au contraire, Cash.

Up until last week, I was perfectly happy

living in my parents' basement.

But because all of you helped me see the light,

I've decided that I'm finally gonna move out.

- Hey, good job, buddy. - Oh, Brian.

Yeah, I guess when you say it out loud, it's real, huh?

Proud of you, son.

Um, of course, it's probably gonna take a while

for me to find the right place.

Don't want to rush into this at all.

I just texted Gabby to tell her the good news.

She said, "tell him I'll go look at places with him this weekend"

and then a wall of exclamation points.

- Wow. - Mm-hmm.

Perfect. This weekend.

- Mm-hmm. - [Laughs]

How lucky am I, huh?

That this is all happening so fast.

I mean, did you already have that text written, Hank?

God, that was quick!

See, Johnny?

Brian is moving out of his apartment

because we, his friends, actually did something

to help him.

Oh, you don't think I'm helping Billy?

- No. - No.

- Nope. - So fast.

So fast.

- [Air hissing] - [Inhaling deeply]

All right, second course.

[All speaking at once]

- What is this? - Enjoy, yo.

- Thank you! - [Laughing]

This is heaven.

Aw, thank you guys for coming over to be with me.

You guys are good friends.

Anytime, man.

- [Vacuum cleaner whirring] - [Mouths words]

- Hey. - What?

I take back what I said.

This might be a real-life example of mutualism,

like bees and flowers

or those little birds that sit inside crocodiles' mouths

- and clean their teeth. - Yeah.

Welcome aboard the passive-helping train.

Well, thank you very much.

- All aboard. - [Laughs]

- Can Billy get you a drink? - Hmm, yes, please.

Cappuccino, extra foam.

No, he really makes cappuccinos.

- What are you doing? - Huh?

Helping?

John?

Is that Billy's spicy guac?

Mm-hmm.

[Cell phone ringing]

Well, I guess it is already made.

- Hello? - Yu-um.

Wait, okay, okay, okay.

Wait, wait, okay, Gabby.

Okay, we'll be right there.

Apparently Brian is freaking out.

He was about to sign a lease, and he just lost it.

Gabby doesn't know what to do.

Brian's hurting? We got to go help him out.

I think Brian may be beyond help on this particular issue.

Maybe, but we still got to try.

Like, if you were hurting,

I'd definitely be there for you, Cash,

the way that Johnny and T are here for me.

[Sighs] Damn.

Look at this grouting.

Yeah, that's not gonna survive the humidity.

And pine floors... Okay, seriously?

All it takes is one pair of high heels to ruin those.

What exactly did you say when he started freaking out?

(Gabby) I didn't say anything.

The landlord asked for the security deposit,

and he just started losing it.

An entire month's rent?

I'm sorry, but I don't feel very "secure"

just giving away money I might not get back.

Oh, you definitely won't get it back, bro.

Nobody does.

Gabby, guys, sorry. I can't do this.

Yo, Brian, wait, man.

Wait.

Maybe I pushed him too hard.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Don't do that to yourself.

- Really? - No, he's... he's weird.

Yep.

I just feel like I let everyone down,

including myself.

Well, you didn't let me down, bro.

So that's one person.

Hmm. Whoa!

This is your place?

Yeah.

Can I have a tour?

Oh, sure. Yeah.

This is my sink-stove combo.

Make a lot of soups on there.

- Nice. - I got a king sofa.

- It's pretty plush. - So plush.

My parents use the washer and dryer,

but everything else the light touches is mine.

Nice.

Yo, this painting is amazing, man.

I love fine art.

- Isn't that a cool painting? - That's sick.

Oh, yeah, fireplace.

Come on, bro, bean-bag chairs?

- Yeah. - This is a highlight.

This is nice.

Comfortable.

That's my thinking area. I go there to think.

Bri, this place is unbelievable, man.

Why would you ever leave here?

I don't know. It seems so silly now.

Oh, my God.

No, that's not. Is that an original?

Eight bits straight out of '86.

Even got the gun.

There she is.

Hey, what do you want to drink?

What? Aren't you going to ask why I'm here?

I assume you sneak out all the time

to take breaks from Theresa.

If she were my girlfriend, I'd drink in secret too.

[Laughs]

Yeah, I didn't come here to drink.

I'm at work. I can't talk to you unless you drink.

Okay.

All right, I'll just... Give me one of those lagers.

Hey, but I... [Clears throat]

I came here...

Excuse me. Sorry, sorry.

I came here to talk to you about Billy

and see if you were rethinking this breakup.

Nope.

Once I decide to break up with a guy, I never look back.

I walk away, strike a match, and let that bridge burn.

Do you? Okay, well, before...

Before you toss that match, you need to know...

He really misses you.

He cries about you all the time, Maeve.

All... the... time.

No!

No, no, you're not gonna change my mind.

Billy is trying to turn me into my mother

and that is not gonna happen.

Oh, I don't know where we just went to right there.

Listen, Billy is on my couch...

- [Imitates match striking] - Maeve...

[Imitates fire whooshing]

Go. Go. Go, go, go, go, go!

- Oh! Nice. - Oh!

I'm sorry my team won again.

But don't be disappointed.

I've just had more practice than you.

That's okay.

This is the best I've felt in days, bro.

Yeah, me too.

Yo, we should play another game

where we get to be on the same team

and fight bad guys together.

Like... (Both)Double Dragon II.

Whoa, I think I just got something.

I'm gonna go to the thinking area.

Yep, I'm having an idea.

And I think it's a pretty good idea.

- Should I come over? - Yeah, I think you should.

What is it?

I'm thinking you and me should move in together, bro.

Wow. That's a pretty big idea, Billy.

Yeah, but listen, bro.

If we move in together, you won't be letting yourself down.

But we can split the rent, and it won't be as scary.

And you won't have to live in a place

that reminds you of Maeve.

Yep. It'll be, like, mutually beneficial.

Like Double Dragon II.

Like Double Dragon II.

Like peanut butter and jelly.

Like peanut butter and jelly.

But, bro, we all know peanut butter don't need jelly.

But jelly definitely needs peanut butter.

Well, this jelly needs that peanut butter.

[Both imitate explosion]

Say "roommates"!

- (Both) Roommates! - [Camera shutter clicks]

[Laughs] Look at this.

This is so sweet.

Hey.

[Laughter]

Beers?

Oh, man.

Hey, where do I put these?

In the thinking area, bro.

Oh.

Hey, guys, should we toast?

Oh, that's a good idea... A toast.

To Billy, for moving on.

And to Brian, for moving out.

(All) Yes! Cheers.

I want to get back together.

Maeve? How did you know where I was?

I have an app that tracks your phone.

Oh, my God. You're so smart.

Maeve, you can't just barge in here

and demand that you want to get back with him.

I mean, Billy has a choice.

No, he doesn't.

I want to get back together, and I want it to be on my terms.

Okay.

What are they, babe?

I love you. In fact, I love you a lot.

I love you a lot too, babe.

But any visualizations you have about our future together,

you have to pass by me.

And if I'm pregnant in any of them,

I have to be pregnant while doing my dream job.

Okay. Did you figure out what that was yet?

No, you have to visualize that too.

Oh. I like this.

See, 'cause now I'm seeing you pregnant,

but in, like, a bunch of different costumes.

Pregnant Chef,

pregnant Judge, pregnant sexy maid.

I missed you so much.

Wow.

- Um, let's open up the pizza. - Absolutely.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Okay, I don't want you to be sad, bro.

I'm getting back together with Maeve,

but I'm still moving in with you.

That's... thanks, Billy. That's a relief.

But Maeve's gonna be here sometimes,

and we might have sex in the kitchen.

So just be careful when you come out at night

or, like, in the mornings or, like, on the weekends

in the afternoons.

Okay. And Gabby's gonna be here too,

so maybe steer clear of the thinking area when she's around.

Brian!

Don't forget the laundry room.

We definitely gonna take the island.

Island.

This is the last time I'm eating in this apartment.

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

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