Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,870 --> 00:00:03,520
Sir, sir.
2
00:00:05,300 --> 00:00:06,570
There you are.
3
00:00:06,630 --> 00:00:09,100
He's conscious.
4
00:00:09,170 --> 00:00:10,440
Sir, can you hear me?
5
00:00:10,500 --> 00:00:12,770
- Are you an angel?
- No.
6
00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:15,170
- Are you a devil?
- No.
7
00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:17,110
Then eat a bag of dicks.
8
00:00:17,180 --> 00:00:18,580
Oh, well, that is very kind, sir,
9
00:00:18,630 --> 00:00:21,010
but we're not allowed to accept gratuities.
10
00:00:21,580 --> 00:00:24,450
Just close the garage door and
let me finish what I started.
11
00:00:24,520 --> 00:00:26,650
Well, it wouldn't matter.
You left the skylight open.
12
00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:27,880
I couldn't find the button.
13
00:00:27,930 --> 00:00:29,650
Well, how hard did you try, sweetie?
14
00:00:29,700 --> 00:00:32,260
W... I'm starin' right at
it. We painted it orange.
15
00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:33,760
- Mom!
- Last time,
16
00:00:33,810 --> 00:00:36,100
he tried to hang himself,
tied the rope too long.
17
00:00:36,150 --> 00:00:38,400
jumped off the workbench
and broke both of his ankles.
18
00:00:38,460 --> 00:00:39,700
The neighbor kid found him hanging there.
19
00:00:39,750 --> 00:00:40,820
Mom, shut up!
20
00:00:40,870 --> 00:00:42,220
Don't you talk to your mother like that.
21
00:00:42,270 --> 00:00:43,500
Stay out of this, would you, Larry?
22
00:00:43,550 --> 00:00:46,200
And if you "really" want to commit suicide,
23
00:00:46,250 --> 00:00:49,210
you don't do it two blocks
from an ambulance company!
24
00:00:49,270 --> 00:00:52,540
Get your own place, not
near an ambulance company.
25
00:00:52,610 --> 00:00:53,840
It's goddamn ridiculous.
26
00:00:53,890 --> 00:00:56,590
Now the whole house is gonna
smell like exhaust fumes.
27
00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:59,290
- Sir...
- And you ruined my good garden hose,
28
00:00:59,340 --> 00:01:00,990
so my rhododendrons are gonna die!
29
00:01:01,050 --> 00:01:02,550
- Sir!
- What?
30
00:01:02,620 --> 00:01:03,480
Nothing.
31
00:01:03,530 --> 00:01:06,570
Supposed to be out here
cleaning the goddamn car.
32
00:01:06,620 --> 00:01:09,780
Frickin' kid never finished
a thing in his life!
33
00:01:09,830 --> 00:01:11,280
Do you think he'll be home for dinner?
34
00:01:11,330 --> 00:01:12,980
I need to know how much ham to thaw.
35
00:01:13,030 --> 00:01:15,280
At least my kids don't try to
kill themselves all the time.
36
00:01:15,330 --> 00:01:17,820
It's 'cause they sell weed, Larry.
37
00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:22,610
It's good shit, actually.
38
00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:24,310
- Yeah?
- Right.
39
00:01:24,380 --> 00:01:27,310
[Funky music]
40
00:01:47,550 --> 00:01:50,830
That must've been a pretty
scary call for you, huh, Brian?
41
00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:51,960
Yes, it was.
42
00:01:52,010 --> 00:01:54,210
That guy's stepdad had
some serious anger issues.
43
00:01:54,270 --> 00:01:56,610
Oh, I was talkin' about
the kid, future Brian.
44
00:01:56,680 --> 00:01:57,710
Future Brian?
45
00:01:57,760 --> 00:01:58,680
Yeah, that's what we callin' him.
46
00:01:58,730 --> 00:02:00,650
See, future Brian is
like you in ten years...
47
00:02:00,710 --> 00:02:03,450
Single, lives with his
parents in the basement.
48
00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:05,230
- Spooky.
- You got to move, bro.
49
00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:06,840
- Cut the cord.
- You're a grown ass man.
50
00:02:06,890 --> 00:02:09,580
You're the future Brian, you even
drive the same car, a Subaru.
51
00:02:09,620 --> 00:02:10,680
Could it get any spookier?
52
00:02:10,730 --> 00:02:12,990
Hey, hold your horses here, fellas.
53
00:02:13,060 --> 00:02:15,990
First off, I drive an
Outback. He drives a Forester.
54
00:02:16,060 --> 00:02:17,430
It's a very depressing model.
55
00:02:17,500 --> 00:02:18,830
My mistake. Totally different.
56
00:02:18,900 --> 00:02:20,770
Plus he probably moved
back in with his parents.
57
00:02:20,830 --> 00:02:23,030
I never moved out.
That's a lifestyle choice.
58
00:02:23,100 --> 00:02:24,200
What are you afraid of, Brian?
59
00:02:24,270 --> 00:02:25,900
Seriously, bro. Get out on your own.
60
00:02:25,970 --> 00:02:27,210
Ditch the dead weight.
61
00:02:27,270 --> 00:02:28,940
See? That right there.
62
00:02:29,010 --> 00:02:30,480
That's what I'm afraid of.
63
00:02:30,540 --> 00:02:33,980
I'm afraid of the declining role
of the American family, okay?
64
00:02:34,050 --> 00:02:36,550
I'm afraid of losing the generational bonds
65
00:02:36,620 --> 00:02:39,780
that tie us all together.
66
00:02:39,850 --> 00:02:40,920
And rent.
67
00:02:40,990 --> 00:02:42,420
I'm really afraid of payin' rent.
68
00:02:42,490 --> 00:02:46,360
It's a big, irresponsible,
and endless financial hole.
69
00:02:46,430 --> 00:02:48,330
You guys owe me 37 cents by the way.
70
00:02:48,390 --> 00:02:49,590
- For what?
- For the M&M's.
71
00:02:49,660 --> 00:02:51,000
- Oh, come on.
- Chicago north 911.
72
00:02:51,060 --> 00:02:53,400
Domestic shooting, 3540 racine.
73
00:02:53,470 --> 00:02:55,470
- Ambulance 14 responding.
- Go!
74
00:02:55,530 --> 00:02:57,600
Proceed with caution. Police on scene.
75
00:02:57,670 --> 00:03:00,810
Shooting victim trapped on
front porch losing blood.
76
00:03:04,010 --> 00:03:06,340
[Emergency radio chatter, dog barking]
77
00:03:06,410 --> 00:03:07,680
Hey.
78
00:03:07,750 --> 00:03:09,350
Female on the porch has
been shot at least once.
79
00:03:09,420 --> 00:03:10,950
She's bleedin' pretty bad.
80
00:03:11,020 --> 00:03:12,950
She ain't movin' either.
81
00:03:13,020 --> 00:03:14,220
Shooter's her ex.
82
00:03:14,290 --> 00:03:15,790
He's locked and loaded on the first floor.
83
00:03:15,850 --> 00:03:17,120
How much time we got?
84
00:03:17,190 --> 00:03:18,690
Hostage negotiator's
about ten minutes away.
85
00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:19,960
Animal control about the same.
86
00:03:20,030 --> 00:03:21,460
I'd love to get a look in there
87
00:03:21,530 --> 00:03:23,530
and see how many weapons he's got on him.
88
00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:25,000
Billy, get my binoculars.
89
00:03:25,060 --> 00:03:26,800
Yeah, got it.
90
00:03:26,870 --> 00:03:28,300
- How's your day been, guys?
- Meh.
91
00:03:28,370 --> 00:03:30,190
Well, we saved Brian's
doppelganger from killin' himself.
92
00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:31,420
He is not my doppelganger.
93
00:03:31,470 --> 00:03:33,270
- He's at least a doppel.
- We callin' him future Brian.
94
00:03:33,340 --> 00:03:35,670
- A casual resemblance at best.
- How casual?
95
00:03:35,740 --> 00:03:37,580
He lives with his parents
and drives a Subaru.
96
00:03:37,630 --> 00:03:39,210
- Oy.
- If he was really suicidal,
97
00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,250
he wouldn't drive a car
with such good gas mileage.
98
00:03:41,300 --> 00:03:42,430
This just in: Brian's cheap.
99
00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:44,350
[Gunshot]
100
00:03:44,420 --> 00:03:45,320
Come on!
101
00:03:45,370 --> 00:03:46,580
[Dog barking]
102
00:03:46,650 --> 00:03:47,920
You could probably get a one-bedroom
103
00:03:47,990 --> 00:03:49,220
in this neighborhood for
a pretty decent price.
104
00:03:49,290 --> 00:03:50,860
Go ahead and laugh, but did you know
105
00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:53,690
that finances are the number
one cause of marital discord?
106
00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:54,990
- Know what number two is?
- What?
107
00:03:55,060 --> 00:03:57,530
Bullets.
108
00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:59,430
[Billy shouting indistinctly] Oh! No!
109
00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:01,970
- Let me go!
- Holy shit !
110
00:04:02,030 --> 00:04:03,270
Hey, let me go!
111
00:04:03,340 --> 00:04:04,970
- [Thud]
- Oh, my God!
112
00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:06,940
- He's down!
- [Man shouting indistinctly]
113
00:04:07,010 --> 00:04:08,370
Shut up, man!
114
00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:09,770
All clear.
115
00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:11,380
- Good job.
- [Applause]
116
00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:13,110
He's down. All clear.
117
00:04:13,180 --> 00:04:14,850
Theresa, I used the thing!
118
00:04:14,910 --> 00:04:18,380
I used the thing we learned in class!
119
00:04:18,450 --> 00:04:21,220
- Get the stretcher.
- Hey, get the stretcher.
120
00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:24,220
[Dog barking]
121
00:04:24,290 --> 00:04:27,330
Sit. Sit.
122
00:04:27,390 --> 00:04:28,360
Sit.
123
00:04:28,430 --> 00:04:29,560
Good girl. Good girl.
124
00:04:29,630 --> 00:04:30,600
When'd you become the dog whisperer?
125
00:04:30,660 --> 00:04:31,940
Hey, I'm a black man, John.
126
00:04:31,990 --> 00:04:34,380
Where I grew up, we had so
many pit bulls runnin' around,
127
00:04:34,430 --> 00:04:35,670
we thought they were freakin' squirrels.
128
00:04:35,730 --> 00:04:37,840
Okay, miss, help is here.
129
00:04:37,900 --> 00:04:39,320
- [Groans]
- Good, good.
130
00:04:39,370 --> 00:04:40,870
- Very manageable.
- You sure?
131
00:04:40,940 --> 00:04:42,010
Sure I'm sure. It's a flesh wound.
132
00:04:42,060 --> 00:04:43,770
It might've nicked the bone.
You're gonna get a cool scar
133
00:04:43,820 --> 00:04:45,070
and some pretty decent
pain pills out of the deal.
134
00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:45,820
Brian, gauze.
135
00:04:45,870 --> 00:04:48,080
[Shrilly] Aah! Aah!
136
00:04:48,150 --> 00:04:49,190
Oh, God!
137
00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:50,950
There's a spider on my goddamn arm!
138
00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:51,980
Somebody get it.
139
00:04:52,050 --> 00:04:54,590
I've been shot, and I
didn't even scream that loud.
140
00:04:54,650 --> 00:04:56,250
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!
141
00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:58,180
- Stand still.
- Get it, get it, get it!
142
00:04:58,230 --> 00:04:59,330
- I got it, okay?
- Ooh, is it off me?
143
00:04:59,380 --> 00:05:00,430
Is it off me? Oh, did you get it?
144
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:02,360
Hey, relax now, Hank. Relax.
145
00:05:02,430 --> 00:05:04,100
You know, I'm just gonna put it down here.
146
00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:05,160
No, no! No, no, no, no!
147
00:05:05,210 --> 00:05:06,900
Break off some of its legs
so it won't come back at me.
148
00:05:06,950 --> 00:05:08,470
- Break off some of the legs.
- Hey, last time I heard
149
00:05:08,530 --> 00:05:10,110
someone squeal like that, it was me.
150
00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:12,100
I was 13 at a Hanson concert.
151
00:05:12,170 --> 00:05:13,470
Ooh, ooh.
152
00:05:13,540 --> 00:05:16,210
Ahh!
153
00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:18,880
Hoo, thank you, Jesus. Hoo, hoo.
154
00:05:18,940 --> 00:05:21,710
[Laughs]
155
00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:24,730
- It was as big as my head.
- Okay, princess.
156
00:05:24,780 --> 00:05:26,390
Speaking of your head, you
know what we got to get you now?
157
00:05:26,450 --> 00:05:27,300
- A drink?
- No.
158
00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:28,630
A tiara.
159
00:05:29,490 --> 00:05:31,420
[Laughs]
160
00:05:35,730 --> 00:05:37,530
Spiders have poisons that can kill you.
161
00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:38,860
Not a Daddy Longlegs.
162
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:40,320
Well, it wasn't wearin' a goddamn nametag!
163
00:05:40,390 --> 00:05:41,560
I'm afraid of bees.
164
00:05:41,630 --> 00:05:42,860
Me, too. Not a fan, not a fan.
165
00:05:42,930 --> 00:05:44,700
Just kiddin', asshole. God, you're a mess.
166
00:05:44,750 --> 00:05:46,330
- I don't have any fears.
- Bullshit.
167
00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:48,430
I don't. I'm scared of the big things.
168
00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:50,680
Cancer, terrorism, Ben Affleck
bein' a lousy Batman.
169
00:05:50,740 --> 00:05:52,410
Don't worry, man. He's gonna crush it.
170
00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:53,750
Everybody's scared of something.
171
00:05:53,810 --> 00:05:55,750
- I'm scared of little people.
- midgets?
172
00:05:55,820 --> 00:05:59,150
I'm not scared of the whole
midget... just the hands.
173
00:05:59,220 --> 00:06:03,690
So small and soft like
they could just grab you
174
00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:06,990
and you'd hardly feel it.
175
00:06:07,060 --> 00:06:09,160
Like a whisper.
176
00:06:11,500 --> 00:06:14,170
I'm also not very fond of wide open spaces.
177
00:06:14,230 --> 00:06:15,900
Prairies and stuff like that? Mm-mm.
178
00:06:15,970 --> 00:06:17,900
Makes me feel so insignificant.
179
00:06:17,970 --> 00:06:20,040
You ever been to the Grand Canyon, Billy?
180
00:06:20,110 --> 00:06:22,040
Don't go.
181
00:06:22,110 --> 00:06:25,180
In the grand canyon, you are the midget.
182
00:06:25,250 --> 00:06:26,950
Microphobia, Brian.
183
00:06:27,010 --> 00:06:29,850
That's what your fear is
called, fear of all things tiny.
184
00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:31,350
Like Johnny's dick.
185
00:06:31,420 --> 00:06:32,820
Hey, don't get mad at me, bro,
just because
186
00:06:32,890 --> 00:06:35,320
a few harmless bugs make you
scream like a little girl.
187
00:06:36,290 --> 00:06:37,820
Here's your fries, bro.
188
00:06:37,890 --> 00:06:39,390
Aah!
189
00:06:39,460 --> 00:06:41,390
Not funny, bro! Not funny!
190
00:06:41,460 --> 00:06:43,460
There are only three things
191
00:06:43,460 --> 00:06:46,100
to be genuinely afraid of in this world.
192
00:06:46,230 --> 00:06:49,000
One, the Mars company
will stop makin' Twixes.
193
00:06:49,070 --> 00:06:51,800
Two, my ex-wife. And three, zombies.
194
00:06:51,870 --> 00:06:53,040
You're scared of zombies?
195
00:06:53,110 --> 00:06:54,710
You're not?
196
00:06:54,780 --> 00:06:55,710
What are your fears, Billy?
197
00:06:55,780 --> 00:06:57,110
I don't got none, bro.
198
00:06:57,180 --> 00:06:59,450
- Man after my own heart.
- Yeah, fear's useless.
199
00:06:59,510 --> 00:07:01,310
That's right. Go high, Bill.
200
00:07:01,380 --> 00:07:03,880
- You weren't afraid today?
- No, bro.
201
00:07:03,950 --> 00:07:05,420
Like try to put yourself in my position.
202
00:07:05,490 --> 00:07:07,520
Like, I'm walkin' into this place.
203
00:07:07,590 --> 00:07:10,090
Guy's, like, mad crazy, right?
204
00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:12,120
He's got a glock. He's drunk.
205
00:07:12,190 --> 00:07:13,860
I'm talkin' like speakin' in tongues drunk.
206
00:07:13,930 --> 00:07:15,330
[Babbles incoherently]
207
00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:18,560
What's the worst thing that can happen?
208
00:07:18,630 --> 00:07:21,330
Get inside my head.
209
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:22,640
So I'm thinkin' like you.
210
00:07:22,700 --> 00:07:23,970
Exactly.
211
00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:26,670
Like, what was I thinkin'
212
00:07:26,740 --> 00:07:29,980
when I walked in there?
213
00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:32,110
Nothing?
214
00:07:34,610 --> 00:07:36,220
See?
215
00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:37,480
Mm-hmm.
216
00:07:37,550 --> 00:07:40,950
Ga-to-rade
Ga-to-rade, yeah
217
00:07:41,020 --> 00:07:42,320
Go high, bro.
218
00:07:42,390 --> 00:07:43,820
- Is that a bee?
- Psst!
219
00:07:43,890 --> 00:07:45,320
[Laughs]
220
00:07:45,390 --> 00:07:46,860
Hey, you know what? Billy's right.
221
00:07:46,930 --> 00:07:48,830
Gunfire's just part of
the job. You can't fear it.
222
00:07:48,900 --> 00:07:50,360
You just got to live in the moment.
223
00:07:50,430 --> 00:07:51,600
Same thing on this job.
224
00:07:51,670 --> 00:07:53,270
In the heat of the battle, you just react.
225
00:07:53,330 --> 00:07:54,630
Exactly.
226
00:07:54,700 --> 00:07:57,240
You know, my biggest fear isn't being shot.
227
00:07:57,300 --> 00:07:59,210
My biggest fear is
being involved with a guy
228
00:07:59,270 --> 00:08:00,940
whose biggest fear isn't me being shot.
229
00:08:01,010 --> 00:08:03,820
Uh-huh. Now you're scared.
Look at his eyes.
230
00:08:03,870 --> 00:08:05,510
No, no. No, no, no, no.
231
00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:07,750
Let me explain. I know
what my main fear is.
232
00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:09,470
My number one fear of all fears
233
00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:12,650
is that you might get shot someday.
234
00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:14,050
I'm so afraid of it.
235
00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:15,550
Every single day, I'm so afraid of it
236
00:08:15,620 --> 00:08:17,590
every day when you go to work
that... that I sublimate it.
237
00:08:17,660 --> 00:08:18,620
Oh, you sublimate it.
238
00:08:18,670 --> 00:08:20,400
Yeah, that's exactly what I do.
I sublimate it,
239
00:08:20,450 --> 00:08:22,730
which is why earlier in
this fear conversation,
240
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:24,660
I didn't say that that was my
number one fear of all fears
241
00:08:24,730 --> 00:08:30,440
because I had sublimated
it so hard... that I...
242
00:08:30,490 --> 00:08:31,800
- This isn't gonna fly is it?
- Nope.
243
00:08:31,870 --> 00:08:35,270
Hey, yo. Check this out.
244
00:08:35,340 --> 00:08:37,540
[Laughs]
245
00:08:37,610 --> 00:08:39,110
You know what I fear?
246
00:08:39,180 --> 00:08:40,850
Not fulfilling my potential.
247
00:08:40,910 --> 00:08:43,580
See, Billy's actually already reached his.
248
00:08:43,650 --> 00:08:45,820
- Me, I haven't.
- Mmhmm.
249
00:08:45,890 --> 00:08:49,690
My one dream is to work
for the FBI in Washington.
250
00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:51,020
Sometimes I'm afraid it won't work out,
251
00:08:51,090 --> 00:08:54,090
that I'll, you know, take the easy way out.
252
00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:57,360
That is what I am really afraid of,
253
00:08:57,430 --> 00:09:00,230
growin' old and lookin' back at dreams
254
00:09:00,300 --> 00:09:01,530
that I never made come true.
255
00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:03,370
- Mm.
- Hmm.
256
00:09:05,570 --> 00:09:06,610
That and the sun.
257
00:09:06,670 --> 00:09:09,010
Heliophobia. Surprisingly common.
258
00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:11,440
My skin burns and peels if I
fall asleep with the iPad on.
259
00:09:11,510 --> 00:09:13,180
That is why if they ever stopped making
260
00:09:13,250 --> 00:09:16,320
hydramax lavender rejuvenation,
261
00:09:16,380 --> 00:09:17,880
I would freak out just a little bit.
262
00:09:17,950 --> 00:09:18,950
- [Laughs]
- Hmm.
263
00:09:19,020 --> 00:09:21,090
What is that face?
264
00:09:21,150 --> 00:09:25,090
They discontinued the cream.
265
00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:26,930
The active plus formula?
266
00:09:26,990 --> 00:09:29,360
I'm so sorry, T.
267
00:09:29,430 --> 00:09:31,300
Hank, please just tell
me you're messing with me.
268
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:33,700
I'm not messin' with
you. It's too expensive.
269
00:09:33,770 --> 00:09:36,040
They just wasn't sellin' enough of 'em.
270
00:09:36,100 --> 00:09:38,740
Holy shit!
271
00:09:38,810 --> 00:09:40,850
- Billy, we got to go.
- What are you gonna do?
272
00:09:40,900 --> 00:09:41,880
What do you think I'm gonna do?
273
00:09:41,930 --> 00:09:44,570
I'm gonna go store to store,
try and find myself a jar.
274
00:09:44,620 --> 00:09:46,680
[Horn honks]
275
00:09:46,750 --> 00:09:49,180
What the hell is that?
276
00:09:49,250 --> 00:09:50,450
- Hey!
- Yo!
277
00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:52,250
- Hey!
- This guy.
278
00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:54,690
[Chuckling]
279
00:09:54,750 --> 00:09:56,620
[Honking]
280
00:09:56,690 --> 00:09:59,690
Hey! Thanks for nothin', scumbags.
281
00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:01,770
Bye.
282
00:10:01,820 --> 00:10:03,000
Who was that guy?
283
00:10:03,050 --> 00:10:05,730
That's the guy who tried to
commit suicide in the garage.
284
00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:07,150
Not very thankful.
285
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:08,800
You guys drive the same car.
286
00:10:08,850 --> 00:10:12,200
[Laughter]
287
00:10:15,860 --> 00:10:17,400
They didn't really charge you for that?
288
00:10:17,430 --> 00:10:18,930
They never do.
289
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,730
When you're with someone
who's about to make a purchase,
290
00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:23,470
you just say, "excuse me, sir,
I believe I have the sniffles",
291
00:10:23,530 --> 00:10:24,870
and they will gladly give you
292
00:10:24,940 --> 00:10:27,100
a cup of hot water with lemon and honey.
293
00:10:27,170 --> 00:10:28,400
And you gonna drink that?
294
00:10:28,470 --> 00:10:31,940
After a visit from our
friends at Lipton Tea.
295
00:10:32,010 --> 00:10:35,810
Another benefit from living at
your... holy cow, I call dibs!
296
00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:37,680
Dibs on what?
297
00:10:38,850 --> 00:10:40,650
Oh, my God. Are you really that cheap?
298
00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:42,120
Not cheap, my friend.
299
00:10:42,190 --> 00:10:43,450
Lucky.
300
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:44,790
- Brian.
- Whoo!
301
00:10:44,850 --> 00:10:47,120
[Laughter]
302
00:10:50,090 --> 00:10:52,660
Mac's back scratcher attached
to an old rig antenna.
303
00:10:52,730 --> 00:10:53,800
Go high, bro.
304
00:10:53,860 --> 00:10:55,460
- Go high.
- Eh.
305
00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:56,800
Don't leave me hangin'.
306
00:10:56,870 --> 00:10:58,130
- [Grunts]
- Huh?
307
00:10:58,200 --> 00:10:59,640
Chicago north ambulance needed,
308
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:01,640
corner of north shore drive and east grant.
309
00:11:01,710 --> 00:11:02,870
Ambulance 14 responding.
310
00:11:02,940 --> 00:11:05,040
Let's roll.
311
00:11:08,210 --> 00:11:10,780
[Siren blaring]
312
00:11:14,650 --> 00:11:16,390
Cash beat us.
313
00:11:23,830 --> 00:11:27,260
So sad.
314
00:11:27,330 --> 00:11:30,500
Man, this... this is heartbreaking.
315
00:11:32,100 --> 00:11:34,070
Want to know what you're afraid of?
316
00:11:34,140 --> 00:11:35,600
That's it right there.
317
00:11:35,670 --> 00:11:37,270
Dying?
318
00:11:37,340 --> 00:11:38,610
I live as long as that lady did,
319
00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:40,310
I'd be happy to take a dirt nap.
320
00:11:40,380 --> 00:11:41,440
Not her, numbnuts.
321
00:11:41,510 --> 00:11:44,080
Him.
322
00:11:44,150 --> 00:11:47,650
What?
323
00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:50,620
Never mind. Let's go.
324
00:11:59,430 --> 00:12:00,560
What?
325
00:12:00,630 --> 00:12:02,030
I didn't say anything.
326
00:12:02,100 --> 00:12:03,600
- Why you giving me that look?
- What look?
327
00:12:03,670 --> 00:12:05,530
You see that look, Brian?
328
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:08,400
I see a look. Not sure what it is.
329
00:12:08,470 --> 00:12:09,940
It's the "I know something
you don't know" look.
330
00:12:10,010 --> 00:12:11,410
I've seen it a million times,
331
00:12:11,470 --> 00:12:13,710
every time he thinks he's
about to psychoanalyze me.
332
00:12:13,780 --> 00:12:15,640
I'm not afraid of being
left alone, Dr. Phil,
333
00:12:15,710 --> 00:12:16,910
if that's what you're gettin' at.
334
00:12:16,980 --> 00:12:18,110
Okay.
335
00:12:18,180 --> 00:12:19,850
Why would I be afraid of being left alone?
336
00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:21,250
Because your father
left you and your mother
337
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:22,750
when you were 13. You never got over it.
338
00:12:22,820 --> 00:12:24,690
But we talk now.
339
00:12:24,750 --> 00:12:26,460
Issue resolved, Q.E.D, asshat.
340
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:27,860
And all your idea, I might add.
341
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:29,860
You think it's resolved, but it's not.
342
00:12:29,930 --> 00:12:31,390
It's been sublimated.
343
00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:34,160
That shit scars deep
to the bone, slap dick.
344
00:12:34,230 --> 00:12:36,600
He's right, Johnny, about
the emotional scarring.
345
00:12:36,670 --> 00:12:38,700
The slap dick thing I'm
not really familiar with.
346
00:12:38,770 --> 00:12:41,340
When my dad skipped out
on me, he did me a favor.
347
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:42,710
He gave me a gift.
348
00:12:42,770 --> 00:12:43,810
Was it a bike?
349
00:12:43,870 --> 00:12:46,080
- What? No.
- No?
350
00:12:46,140 --> 00:12:49,280
It's this hard outer shell I
use to deflect pain and sadness.
351
00:12:49,350 --> 00:12:51,880
Mm, bike would've been better.
352
00:12:51,950 --> 00:12:53,720
Turtle shell.
353
00:12:53,780 --> 00:12:55,020
Turtle shell.
354
00:12:55,090 --> 00:12:56,820
Pain, trouble... bounce right off.
355
00:12:56,890 --> 00:12:59,250
- Theresa leaves you.
- Ping.
356
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,090
- I move to Miami.
- Ping.
357
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:03,260
Okay. We shall see.
358
00:13:03,330 --> 00:13:04,530
- We shall.
- Yeah, we shall.
359
00:13:04,590 --> 00:13:05,560
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
360
00:13:05,630 --> 00:13:06,630
- Huh-huh.
- Watch.
361
00:13:06,700 --> 00:13:07,960
Stop.
362
00:13:08,030 --> 00:13:09,930
- I had a turtle once.
- And?
363
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,890
He ran away. Didn't get far.
364
00:13:11,940 --> 00:13:15,740
Made it to the driveway where
my dad accidentally ran him over.
365
00:13:15,810 --> 00:13:21,110
Definite emotional sublimation that day.
366
00:13:21,180 --> 00:13:23,350
Ping.
367
00:13:23,410 --> 00:13:25,380
Wow. That's cold-blooded.
368
00:13:25,430 --> 00:13:26,250
Wow.
369
00:13:26,300 --> 00:13:29,120
The boy lost his turtle and
you talkin' about "ping."
370
00:13:32,770 --> 00:13:33,960
Got you a present.
371
00:13:34,940 --> 00:13:35,810
Why?
372
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:37,750
Because there wasn't a spider
in my locker when it opened it.
373
00:13:37,810 --> 00:13:39,350
Oh, I should've thought of that!
374
00:13:39,690 --> 00:13:41,660
It's that skin cream Theresa uses.
375
00:13:41,730 --> 00:13:43,330
Buddy of mine works in
a beauty supply house.
376
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:46,400
Got the last jar left
in the entire midwest.
377
00:13:46,470 --> 00:13:48,330
Ohh, smells just like her.
378
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:50,370
Because she smears it on three times a day.
379
00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:51,670
You thought she smelled
like that naturally?
380
00:13:51,740 --> 00:13:52,280
I don't know.
381
00:13:52,330 --> 00:13:54,250
You know I wasn't born
smelling like Michael Jordan.
382
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:55,220
Have to buy that shit.
383
00:13:55,270 --> 00:13:56,770
This is really gonna help me
patch things up with her. Thanks.
384
00:13:56,820 --> 00:13:59,880
Exactly. Now, you should start
thinking about her more
385
00:13:59,950 --> 00:14:01,780
before she starts
thinking about her partner.
386
00:14:01,850 --> 00:14:03,820
Oh, she's not into Billy.
387
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:06,180
He's like the bottom
rung in a bag of hammers.
388
00:14:06,250 --> 00:14:10,290
He's a shockingly handsome
guy who spends all day with her
389
00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:12,420
and tackles insane, drunken,
390
00:14:12,490 --> 00:14:14,430
heavily-armed girlfriend shooters.
391
00:14:14,490 --> 00:14:16,700
You're a selfish prick
who didn't even think
392
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:18,860
to mention her on your
list of things you fear.
393
00:14:18,930 --> 00:14:20,430
He's a paste eater.
394
00:14:20,500 --> 00:14:22,600
Mm-hmm, whose cock is
bigger than Seattle Slew's,
395
00:14:22,670 --> 00:14:25,700
and she's seen it.
396
00:14:27,940 --> 00:14:29,570
Ping.
397
00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:33,680
Shoot.
398
00:14:36,420 --> 00:14:38,280
[Chuckles]
399
00:14:46,060 --> 00:14:47,060
[Knocks]
400
00:14:47,130 --> 00:14:49,730
Theresa, why is your door o...
401
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:53,530
T?
402
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:01,570
[Fake laughs]
403
00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:06,140
Okay, nice job, Hank.
404
00:15:06,210 --> 00:15:07,250
Great.
405
00:15:07,310 --> 00:15:10,950
Detail... very, very impressive.
406
00:15:11,020 --> 00:15:12,420
[Chuckles]
407
00:15:12,490 --> 00:15:13,420
[Gasps]
408
00:15:13,490 --> 00:15:16,390
Oh!
409
00:15:16,460 --> 00:15:18,090
Ohh!
410
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:21,730
This is like that sappy
Sandra Bullock lake house movie
411
00:15:21,790 --> 00:15:23,290
you love so much with the letters.
412
00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:29,070
The one that you cry at every
time it's on cable, princess.
413
00:15:29,140 --> 00:15:30,640
I'm gonna read it now.
414
00:15:30,700 --> 00:15:32,300
[Chuckles] Dear Keanu.
415
00:15:32,370 --> 00:15:33,640
[Laughs]
416
00:15:33,710 --> 00:15:35,740
Just a little... just a
little tribute there, Hank.
417
00:15:35,810 --> 00:15:38,740
Oh, yeah, you actually
got Theresa to write it.
418
00:15:38,810 --> 00:15:40,410
Well, that's very impressive.
419
00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:41,810
Very impressive.
420
00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:45,880
Um, "I'm sorry you have
to find out this way,
421
00:15:45,950 --> 00:15:49,120
but I didn't have the strength
to tell you this in person."
422
00:15:49,190 --> 00:15:50,960
Great opening.
423
00:15:51,020 --> 00:15:51,960
Mwah!
424
00:15:52,020 --> 00:15:53,320
Great opening.
425
00:15:53,390 --> 00:15:55,690
"Today was my last day on the force.
426
00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:57,360
"Just talking about my potential at lunch
427
00:15:57,430 --> 00:15:59,100
"really got me to thinkin' about my life
428
00:15:59,170 --> 00:16:00,370
"and what I'm doing with it.
429
00:16:00,430 --> 00:16:01,730
"And I'm not getting any younger.
430
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:06,000
And there's nothing keeping
me here in Chhhhicago."
431
00:16:06,070 --> 00:16:08,470
[Weak chuckle]
432
00:16:08,540 --> 00:16:10,410
Hey, guys?
433
00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:13,110
All right, ha-ha-ha.
434
00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:15,350
Guys?
435
00:16:19,290 --> 00:16:20,620
Aha!
436
00:16:23,290 --> 00:16:25,620
Holy shit.
437
00:16:25,690 --> 00:16:26,890
Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit,
438
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:28,690
holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.
439
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:29,860
No, this isn't happening.
440
00:16:29,930 --> 00:16:31,530
This isn't real. This isn't real.
441
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:34,030
"'Cause as you know, I've always
dreamt of joining the FBI.
442
00:16:34,100 --> 00:16:35,830
I tried to bring it up a
couple times last week..."
443
00:16:35,900 --> 00:16:37,040
Theresa, get to the point.
444
00:16:37,100 --> 00:16:40,240
"And since you never
really listened to me...
445
00:16:40,310 --> 00:16:44,080
I've decided to test for an
appointment with the FBI."
446
00:16:44,140 --> 00:16:45,410
What?
447
00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:47,710
"At their headquarters in D.C." what?
448
00:16:47,780 --> 00:16:49,110
"This could be my dream job.
449
00:16:49,180 --> 00:16:50,980
"Please be happy for me.
This wasn't an easy decision.
450
00:16:51,050 --> 00:16:53,350
You can call me at my
new cell number, 202..."
451
00:16:53,420 --> 00:16:54,920
Ah-ha-ho.
452
00:16:54,990 --> 00:16:59,220
Um, this...
453
00:16:59,290 --> 00:17:00,830
Is not funny.
454
00:17:00,890 --> 00:17:02,830
All right, I'm callin'
the number now, Hank,
455
00:17:02,900 --> 00:17:04,060
wherever you are.
456
00:17:04,130 --> 00:17:07,370
I know you're in here somewhere.
457
00:17:07,430 --> 00:17:09,500
It's ringin'.
458
00:17:09,570 --> 00:17:13,340
Once, twice...
459
00:17:13,410 --> 00:17:15,240
- Hey.
- Hey, Theresa.
460
00:17:15,310 --> 00:17:17,310
- This is special agent...
- This has been really fun...
461
00:17:17,380 --> 00:17:18,740
...trainee Theresa Kelly. You
can leave a message here
462
00:17:18,810 --> 00:17:20,040
and I'll return it as soon as possible.
463
00:17:20,110 --> 00:17:22,150
No.
464
00:17:30,860 --> 00:17:34,930
Hello?
465
00:17:34,990 --> 00:17:36,690
[Mutters]
466
00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:39,500
I even got you...
467
00:17:39,570 --> 00:17:41,700
Stupid.
468
00:17:44,940 --> 00:17:49,310
[Sniffs]
469
00:17:49,380 --> 00:17:52,310
Oh, Theresa.
470
00:18:00,090 --> 00:18:04,990
Oh, you stupid, stupid...
471
00:18:05,060 --> 00:18:07,930
Stupid Johnny.
472
00:18:07,990 --> 00:18:09,660
Ooh.
473
00:18:09,730 --> 00:18:12,700
My pretty... babyface
474
00:18:12,770 --> 00:18:14,730
ba-boobedy-boo.
475
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:16,530
[Sighs]
476
00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:20,540
[Groaning] Ohhhhhhh...
477
00:18:20,610 --> 00:18:21,940
[Laughter]
478
00:18:22,010 --> 00:18:25,110
- Yeah!
- Sucker!
479
00:18:25,180 --> 00:18:26,810
Boo-boobedy-boo!
480
00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:28,710
Who... who's the princess now, baby?
481
00:18:28,780 --> 00:18:30,480
Man, look how shiny he is.
482
00:18:30,550 --> 00:18:32,520
Oh, this is gonna leave
some emotional scars.
483
00:18:32,590 --> 00:18:34,550
- Oh, yeah.
- I guess I deserve this.
484
00:18:34,620 --> 00:18:35,900
Yes, you did.
485
00:18:35,950 --> 00:18:37,510
- [Laughs]
- Mm, you think?
486
00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:39,260
What did you do with all your stuff?
487
00:18:39,330 --> 00:18:41,060
Billy's cousin has a
furniture movin' company.
488
00:18:41,130 --> 00:18:42,660
They owed him a favor.
489
00:18:42,730 --> 00:18:44,660
Billy, they better not be
sellin' that furniture, man.
490
00:18:44,730 --> 00:18:45,800
They're not gonna sell it.
491
00:18:45,850 --> 00:18:48,630
Why would they se...
Because we're Puerto Rican?
492
00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:52,840
Oh, dang. That's so racist.
493
00:18:55,010 --> 00:18:57,540
But you know what? That's
a really good point.
494
00:18:57,610 --> 00:18:59,310
I'ma make a quick phone
call and just make sure
495
00:18:59,380 --> 00:19:00,680
that we're all on the same page.
496
00:19:00,750 --> 00:19:01,980
I thought you'd really left.
497
00:19:02,050 --> 00:19:03,510
That's what makes it so funny, bro.
498
00:19:03,580 --> 00:19:05,650
Payback is a bitch.
499
00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:06,920
Ping.
500
00:19:06,990 --> 00:19:08,020
[Laughter]
501
00:19:08,090 --> 00:19:09,790
Ohh...
502
00:19:09,860 --> 00:19:11,920
Hey, just for the record,
503
00:19:11,990 --> 00:19:15,330
I'm not moving anywhere anytime soon.
504
00:19:15,390 --> 00:19:16,930
Aww.
505
00:19:18,330 --> 00:19:20,700
That feels good.
506
00:19:26,100 --> 00:19:28,740
Oh... my... God!
507
00:19:28,810 --> 00:19:32,010
This stuff is, like, the best cream.
508
00:19:35,910 --> 00:19:37,520
What's with the hat, bro?
509
00:19:37,580 --> 00:19:38,680
Duck huntin'?
510
00:19:38,750 --> 00:19:39,880
The sun, man.
511
00:19:39,950 --> 00:19:41,190
Theresa's right. It's our enemy.
512
00:19:41,250 --> 00:19:42,720
So now you got a new fear.
513
00:19:42,790 --> 00:19:45,360
Just that little bit of that
$8 million lotion I rubbed on
514
00:19:45,420 --> 00:19:47,090
really got me thinking
about the aging process.
515
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:48,590
No, my people don't age, remember?
516
00:19:48,660 --> 00:19:49,790
Black don't crack.
517
00:19:49,860 --> 00:19:50,900
Hey, look, I got you breakfast.
518
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:52,760
Mm.
519
00:19:52,830 --> 00:19:54,270
Is there a fake spider in here?
520
00:19:54,330 --> 00:19:56,570
What? No, I'm done with that.
521
00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:58,840
Hey, man, did you get the
score of last night's game?
522
00:19:58,900 --> 00:20:00,070
I can't seem to get it on my...
523
00:20:00,140 --> 00:20:01,110
Aah!
524
00:20:01,170 --> 00:20:03,540
[Laughs]
525
00:20:03,610 --> 00:20:05,180
What happened? What happened?
526
00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,410
Just a little payback, buddy.
527
00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:08,780
All right, that's enough, you guys.
528
00:20:08,850 --> 00:20:10,110
This is the end, okay?
529
00:20:10,180 --> 00:20:11,320
Fears are all too real,
530
00:20:11,380 --> 00:20:12,580
and I think we learned a valuable lesson
531
00:20:12,650 --> 00:20:15,020
about that the last couple of days.
532
00:20:15,090 --> 00:20:16,120
Am I right?
533
00:20:16,190 --> 00:20:17,220
I guess.
534
00:20:17,290 --> 00:20:18,360
Yeah.
535
00:20:18,420 --> 00:20:20,020
Now let's you two shake hands,
536
00:20:20,090 --> 00:20:22,130
and that'll be the end of the shenanigans.
537
00:20:22,190 --> 00:20:23,160
Both: Shenanigans?
538
00:20:23,230 --> 00:20:24,160
What century are you from?
539
00:20:24,230 --> 00:20:28,000
[Horn honks]
540
00:20:28,070 --> 00:20:29,900
Is that his ass or his face?
541
00:20:29,970 --> 00:20:31,170
That's definitely ass.
542
00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:32,400
[Loud crash]
543
00:20:32,470 --> 00:20:33,910
Oh, future Brian's stepdad is right.
544
00:20:33,970 --> 00:20:34,910
He needs to move farther away.
545
00:20:34,970 --> 00:20:36,610
Brian, take the rig.
546
00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:37,910
Cool.
547
00:20:37,980 --> 00:20:39,810
Cool, my first time driving.
548
00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:41,710
- Hey!
- What?
549
00:20:41,780 --> 00:20:44,450
There's not a midget hidden
somewhere in the rig, is there?
550
00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:46,280
Only one way to find out.
551
00:20:46,350 --> 00:20:48,550
[Laughter]
552
00:20:51,990 --> 00:20:54,930
All right, midget.
553
00:20:54,990 --> 00:20:57,460
Let me tell you how this is gonna go.
554
00:20:57,530 --> 00:21:04,070
We can do this the big
way... or the little way.
555
00:21:04,140 --> 00:21:07,640
[Laughs]
556
00:21:07,710 --> 00:21:10,780
An obvious choice, midget.
557
00:21:10,830 --> 00:21:15,380
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
38843
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
