Original subtitles

- Glennon from the shotgun... - Win it.

- No! Interception! - Falcon ball!

God!

That is the third turnover this game,

And Glennon is not impressing his coaches at this point.

- Ugh. - Interception, one fumble.

The ball is turned over for the third time...

[Laughs]

[Phone rings]

What?

From the couch, crouched,

face almost to the floor, sandwich in my right hand,

flicked the pickle into the trash can, swish, no plastic.

- Hmm, crouched? - Crouched.

You know what the most impressive thing about that is?

- The distance. - No.

The fact that you didn't eat the pickle slice when it fell on the floor.

Call me back after you hit three in a row.

Hey, what's the score on the Atlanta-Tampa bay game?

That shitty helmets 17, shit tier helmets in pewter pants 3.

The buccaneers are the worst.

If they got a gay player on Tampa Bay,

he ain't coming out of the closet

till he gets traded to a team with better uniforms.

Yeah, this game's over.

Back to the National Spelling Bee.

Your word is "Elucubrate."

Shit.

Ask for a definition, kid.

- Definition, please. - Good girl.

[With announcer] "To work out with great difficulty."

- What, like in the gym? - No, asshole.

In literature, to create a great literary work.

10 bucks says there's a "K".

- There's no "K". - 10 bucks.

You're on, bitch.

Elucubrate.

E-L-U-C...

U-B-R-A-T-E.

- Correct. - Bah, no way that kid's nine.

Mm-hmm, you know what else don't have a "K"?

"Cash". You owe me 10 bucks.

Ohh.

[Knock at door]

Who's that?

- It's Theresa. - Uh-oh.

- What'd you do this time? - I don't know.

I was gonna ask you the same thing.

Whew, call me back. Godspeed.

[Phone beeps]

Is everything okay?

Mm.

Mm-mm-mm.

Mmm.

Oh, you're drunk.

Yep.

Come here.

Oh. Well, I... I can't do that.

I'd be taking advantage of you.

- That is the whole point. - God.

Um... I'm trying to elucubrate

the right thing to do here.

Elucu... what?

...brate.

I must be drunker than I thought.

[Mumbling]

Okay, let's do this.

How many, um, drinks did you have?

- Mm. Four gin and tonics... - Uh-huh, uh-huh.

And a little, tasty, red thing.

Okay, five drinks. Five drinks.

Well, calculating your body weight,

I'll need six drinks to catch up, right?

- Okay. - Right.

Six shots to catch up.

Shots, shots, shots, shots.

Yeah, okay.

- Okay. - Oh, my God.

Yes.

- Get it. - One. Keep going.

You'll get it off. I trust you.

Yep, kick it. Just keep kicking it.

You'll get it. There you go.

- Be careful. - Oh, oh, whoa!

Ow. Might need seven.

I found a dollar under your couch.

Oh, it's a tip.

Thanks.

[Chuckling]

[Gasps]

I found another dollar.

It's your lucky day, huh?

[Chuckling]

Okay. Oh, where you going? Slow down.

[Hip-hop music]

- Hey, Dudley Moore. - No.

- Ooh. - No!

We gotta go to work.

[Chuckling]

On a scale of one to Dean Martin,

how drunk was I last night?

Um, two.

- Two Dean Martins. - Oy.

Uh-huh.

[Chuckling]

So the sex?

Yeah.

- It was fun. - Yeah, it was.

- And I was thinking... - Uh-oh.

- It could be fun again. - You mean, like, right now?

No, right now my head is a jackhammer.

- Okay. - Look.

- We are both busy. - Mmhmm.

We both have needs.

I miss you. You miss me.

- Mm-hmm. - So what do you say?

You want to have sex sometimes?

Uh, w...

So...

- What do you mean? - Sex.

Just sex, you know, like, a couple times a week.

- Really? - Yeah.

I... you want to just have sex

with me a couple times a week

without any of the relationship-y stuff?

Is that what you're proposing?

Yeah. It's exactly what I am proposing.

Uh... [Laughs]

- What? - Nothing.

- You don't think I can do this. - I didn't say that.

- But I don't think... - I can do this.

I don't think you can do this.

No dating, no dinners, no long talks

or texting after, no staying over.

We just get together,

have a blast a couple of times a week.

It doesn't even mean anything.

It doesn't mean we're getting back together.

I mean, it doesn't mean we're not getting back together.

It's just pure, raw animal desire.

What?

I mean, this is every guy's fantasy.

A gorgeous girl wants to hook up without any attachments.

Well...

I'm in.

- Cool. - Cool.

Clink on it.

Cool.

Both: Okay. - Well, here we go.

- Here we do it. - Okay.

We're doing it.

- You just have a... - We're gonna do it.

Never mind.

Just 'cause you clinked on it doesn't mean shit.

I don't know, clinking can be

pretty serious stuff when it comes to girls.

- Thank you, Brian. - I clinked on a bet

with my cousin Magda once... Yeah?

Ended up taking her to four different weddings.

And believe me, it was not like the movie.

So you don't think that two people

can have sex that's just sex?

No, I think two people can do it.

I've seen four or five people do it at the same time.

- I don't think you can do it. - No, Seinfeld did it.

No, he didn't... that was the point of the episode.

Hey, who do you think we'd be, huh?

You'd be Jerry, of course.

- You'd be George... - What?

And I'd be Kramer and Elaine.

I don't get why you get to be Elaine.

I'm a much better Elaine.

[Indistinct chatter]

[Clears throat]

- Hey, where's the patient? - Oh, hello.

Actually, before you guys come in here,

can I just find out your disclosure policy?

I think we're owed that.

What?

Answer me these questions three.

Okay, boys, looks like we have ourselves a wizard.

No, no. Okay, listen.

You guys, do we have doctor-patient confidentiality?

Hey, relax. We're not cops.

We're just here to help you guys.

Mm, you have answered correctly.

Do you grant us safe passage?

- Oh, Brian, come on. - That's good, okay.

- Sorry. - We were told that someone

was struck by some sort of sporting equipment.

[Chuckles] Oh, not struck, bro, impaled.

He got stuck by his own jart.

- He self-jarted. - The man self-jarted.

[Indistinct chatter]

- Ooh. - [Sighs]

[All cheering]

This couldn't be our customer right here,

could it?

See what happens when people get drunk?

They do stupid shit that they'll regret later on.

All right, guy, let's take a look.

Hey, guys.

- Hey, how are you? - Good.

Got an alcohol-related injury.

Patient has what appears to be

a lawn dart lodged in his back.

Obvious case of L.M.C.

- L.M.C.? - Low marble count.

[Laughs] That is awesome.

That is awesome.

I thought they outlawed these things in the '80s.

Oh, yeah. We're, like, totally off the grid.

None of this is happening, man.

But if it were happening,

then this would be the northside jart invitational,

and you would be watching the semifinals.

- Yes. - Oh.

Is this, like, a group thing or an individual sport or...

[Laughter]

It's four teams of four, round-robin play.

Jart must be thrown at least as high

as that third-story apartment window but no higher

than the Smolinskis' sunshade.

Question... what if the sunshade isn't out?

I'm glad you asked that.

Winter rules apply. Anything goes.

Winter's coming.

- Ohh. - He does that.

You know, you're lucky this thing didn't hit an artery.

I think you mean a "jartery".

[Laughter]

Next one gets a punch.

We were just "jarting" around.

- Nice. - [All snickering]

Sir, we're gonna have to take you in.

What?

Oh, see, look. We got 12 dudes here.

Good time for the unofficial poll.

Hey, how many of you guys

are just in relationships to hook up and have sex?

[All murmuring]

How many of you guys are in relationships?

[All murmuring]

I need you to lie still, sir.

I can't get a good angle.

Like, I want to get the jart in my back.

But I want my face to be like, "what jart in my back?"

You know what else is in your back?

Your spine.

Give me that.

Don't move.

- [Camera shutter clicks] - How do I look?

Like a damn hors d'oeuvre.

Ha, yes, that's the caption.

Oh, shit.

Mm-hmm.

You don't think Theresa and I can pull this off?

Oh, I think Theresa can pull it off no problem.

It's you I'm worried about.

- You're worried about me? - Yep.

Bro, it's a no-brainer. It's just sex.

It's the part of the relationship I'm good at.

How can I screw this up?

Because you're you and because underneath

that sports-loving, man's-man, guy's-guy heart of yours

is a tiny little vagina.

Now I don't mean that in a bad way.

It's a loving, supportive vagina.

- Aw. - Knock it off, Brian.

It sounded like a good thing.

- It's not. - Look.

You're not in it for the action.

You like the talking and the emotional attachment.

Face the facts, bro.

I like the sex. I can do this.

You're gonna step on your own dick here, pal.

Which one is it? Do I have a dick or a vagina?

He has both, actually, in a good way.

Nothing wrong with a man

who's got a little squish mitten in him.

I don't have a... Is that what you call your...

Yep, squish mitten, love taco,

cupcake, depends on the day.

Come on, I'm trying to read here.

I don't want to have to hear

about what you call your private stuff.

Look.

When I started here 20 years ago,

it was just you, Doyle, Stegs,

and a bunch of guys talking about your dicks all day.

Now, it's a new world.

We got some girls up in here,

and we're gonna call our business whatever we want.

- Ham wallet. - Mmhmm.

You had to start in with the sex talk.

It wasn't me. It was Hank.

- Birth Cannon. - Cha-cha.

The Velveteen Rabbit.

It was my sister's favorite book.

- I totally ruined it for her. - [Laughter]

You're a sensitive man, Farrell.

You got a little bit of girl in you.

And I, for one, am gonna go on record

as saying I find that very attractive.

There are actually several varieties

of fish that are hermaphroditic.

In fact, there's one species off the coast of Australia

that can grow the other genitalia

and have sex with itself whenever it wants.

- Really? - Really?

- What is it called? - A happy goddamn fish.

[Laughter]

Hey, I need a ruling here.

Do you think the jart qualifies as an impalement?

Sure, if it's poking out of a guy's shoulder meat like that.

- Sure. - What are you doing?

He's got an EMT bucket list in there.

- Hey. - Oh!

Things he hopes to see and do on the job.

- Let me see. - Impalement is number one.

Cash, come on.

You stop eating my Twixes,

I stop reading stuff you leave laying around.

Delivering a baby... You haven't done that yet?

We delivered a baby last month.

He wouldn't let me keep the placenta.

You've already got an umbilical cord.

- Narcan? - Yeah.

The thing where you jab a person with it

and bring him back to life, like in Pulp Fiction.

I forgot it was even called Narcan.

Seven years on the job,

I've only seen, like, two dead junkies.

Days of the skinny-ass,

heroin, dope-shooting junkies are over.

Yeah, it's all meth heads and crackheads now.

And we show up, and they ain't even dead.

And they're usually ranting and raving

and throwing crazy Jackie Chan karate kicks.

Had this one guy a couple months ago

waving a machete around, screaming about

being Obama's cousin.

Turns out he actually was.

[Phone chimes]

It's Theresa, and she wants to hook up tonight.

All right, now, don't screw this up.

I got this, man.

I'm a sex machine.

- I'm a sex machine. - What?

Or I think I might be part machine,

because I like sex without any emotional attachment.

Right? Who doesn't?

You... love taco.

Shut up, dick.

[Both panting]

A lot of eye contact there on that one, buddy.

Oh, sorry.

It's okay.

You were focused, and it paid off.

- I was, wasn't I? - Mm-hmm.

I think that my focus has improved

since I got into tennis.

- You're playing tennis? - Nah, just watching it.

But if you don't really concentrate,

it gets super boring.

- [Giggles] - You hungry?

Whoa, hold on there, big guy.

What?

We agreed, no hanging around,

no food, just sex, remember?

Right, right.

How about a sandwich?

Sorry, that falls under the food rule.

You said, "no dinner."

If I'd known sandwiches were off the table,

I might not have agreed to this.

Hey, we have to have boundaries,

or this isn't gonna work.

It just did work, babe. Twice-ish.

And a lot of what I just did,

honey, fueled by sandwiches.

- Okay, you gotta go. - Oh, well, okay.

Just, can I have a water?

Yeah, I can make that happen.

You felt used?

Uh, a little bit. Yes.

Because she wouldn't give you a sandwich?

What's wrong with you?

You're supposed to tip your hat,

thank her for the sex, and get your own sandwich.

It's Chicago... You can't walk 5 feet

without running into a goddamn sandwich.

It's a very good sandwich town.

She tapped me on the ass.

I think a lot of guys would like to have Theresa

tap them on the ass.

Not me, just random guys.

I tap guys on the ass

as they leave my apartment all the goddamn time.

It's a compliment.

I felt like a piece of meat.

And then I texted her this morning,

telling her I had a great time,

and she hasn't texted me back yet.

- Oh, my God. - And I don't care what you say.

- That's a matter of manners. - Ooh, oh, my God.

Chicago north 911, man unconscious,

corner of north Kedzie and Division

inside Humboldt Park.

A half mile away.

- [Siren wails] - Ambulance 14 responding.

Here we go.

[Siren blaring]

[Crying] My baby.

What's he on? What's he on, miss?

- Heroin. - Great.

- Don't judge us. - Wouldn't dream of it.

Hello, sir, wake up.

He's still got a pulse.

Brian, this is you.

Narcan needle? Oh, my God, it's happening.

- Look, here you go, Brian. - Come on, do it.

It's really happening, seriously?

- You got this. - Just slam it right in there.

No, but in my class, they said that I have

to put the needle in slow, unless the victim's gonna...

Puke? No, you got a dead man here.

Not yet, I mean, that's why we're here.

Look, do it, or give it to me.

My instructor said I have to put it...

- Brian! - They don't puke, Bri.

They wake up and throw crazy junkie punches.

Now, jam it in and then duck.

- Go, go. - Go, just stick it in there.

- Go! - Aah!

One Mississippi.

Two Mississippi.

[Gasps]

- Oh, baby! - It worked!

- You're a hero, Brian. - Are you okay?

You ruined my high, man.

[Vomits]

Oh.

Let's take a picture.

Miss, would you mind taking a picture

- of the three of us? - Uh, okay.

Brian, hand her your phone.

We'll check your vitals and everything in one second, sir.

- It's on his bucket list. - Thank you so much.

Sure, yeah, uh, okay. I don't...

Hey. Nice, good job.

- I don't... - Oh, I think you have to...

- I don't know... - Honey, they changed it.

- It's right here now. - Oh, right. Okay, okay.

See, the key is I say it to her in a way

that doesn't diminish her.

Sure.

- Okay. - Can you get all of us...

Yeah, all right. One, two, three.

- Yeah. - [Camera shutter clicks]

Damn. Those some fast junkies.

Guess you got to be more careful what you wish for,

- huh, Brian? - You kidding me?

I'm gonna have this memory forever.

But you ain't gonna have that picture.

It's all backed up right here.

- [Sighs] - I don't get it.

Theresa and I are always trying to stay together.

We fight, we break up, we come up with these crazy sex plans.

And look at these two.

They can't even stay alive without us,

but somehow they can make a relationship work.

Look at them, they're running away holding hands.

Aw.

What do they have that me and Theresa don't?

- Well, they do share a hobby. - Mm.

[Laughs]

[Laughter]

So then he got... So the needle's in,

and then he just throws up all over me.

- Oh! - [Laughter]

- [Groans] - Ugh.

- [Phone chimes] - Sex alert.

Yeah, but I'm not in the mood,

so I'm just gonna ignore that.

What kind of reaction is that to a sex alert

from a pretty girl,

whose job requires her to have handcuffs?

What's wrong with you, love taco?

Shut up.

You know what, Johnny, everybody's giving you

the business about being part girl,

- but you're not. - Thank you.

Because if you were, you would know

that Theresa's texting you right now

because she wants to be with you.

I'm part girl... I know what I'm talking about.

Theresa wants to get boned bad.

Go bone her.

Listen to her.

Okay, you know what?

You're right. You're right.

I'm gonna go over there, right now.

- Bring her some flowers. - Okay.

- And, here, drink this. - Okay.

- Brain freeze. - Perfect. You think too much.

- Okay. - Go.

- He ain't gonna make it. - No.

[Knock at door]

[Rock music]

[Chuckles]

[Moaning]

[Chuckles]

- Oh! - Hey.

Holy shit.

- 25 minutes. - Yeah.

What'd I tell you, huh? Was there good boning?

Oh, there was.

- Oh, yeah! - Were there handcuffs?

There were.

And my daiquiri's still frozen.

- Oh! - [Laughter]

Rest in peace, love taco.

[Laughter]

[Laughter]

But only if it was really hot, you know what I mean?

Just in the whole thing, just...

[Laughter, chatter]

Just tell me about... Tell me about what happened.

Oh, I feel amazing.

I'm gonna start boxing. Did I tell you I used to box?

- No. - 'Cause I didn't.

- [Laughs] - But I'm gonna start now.

[Both chuckle]

I'm gonna kickbox. Wha! Whoo! Wha!

- Hey, easy, easy, my dashboard. - Sorry, sorry.

- My dashboard. - Okay.

- Thanks for the ride. - See you, man.

See you tomorrow.

Oh, I feel like a million bucks.

[Howls]

- [Howls] - [Chuckles]

Ahh. Ahh.

Give me some. Uh!

- New day, new man. - Uh! Uh!

- I'ma feel like a viking. - [Laughs]

I'ma feel like a viking. I'ma feel like a viking.

Oh, wait. I forgot to ask you.

Do you think it's weird that she hasn't

called or texted or anything?

I mean, it's been, like, three hours.

- Give me the phone, John. - What?

- Give me the damn phone. - No.

Give me the goddamn phone, John,

before you ruin all the progress you made tonight.

No, hey, what are you doing?

- Don't be stupid. - What are you doing?

- Give me the phone, John. - No, no!

- Get away! - You better give me that phone.

- You better give me that phone! - Get away from me.

- Huh? Huh? - What? Don't be stupid.

- Don't be stupid. - [Speaking gibberish]

What? [Laughs]

- Huh? Ready? - Give me the phone. Give me...

[Both grunting]

Hey!

[Both grunting]

[Phone chimes]

- You think that was her? - [Phone chimes]

That was totally her.

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