Original subtitles

Male announcer: as for Jay Cutler's knee,

The MRI came back clear.

Good news for the bears,

As he's expected to play this Sunday

Against Drew Brees and the red-Hot saints.

Cutler says he feels good.

The knee's not giving him any problems...

- Any word on Jay Cutler?

- Pump says he's a go.

Guess I should be glad they don't have porn

On gas pump TV.

Or we'd be here all afternoon.

Let me tell you something about me, honey.

The day that we as a civilization

Get to the point

Where we're broadcasting pornography

From televisions attached to gas pumps

Is the day I start working at a gas station.

How much porn are you watching these days?

You mean, since we've been on break?

- Yeah. - Why do you ask?

Well, when my brother Donal and his girlfriend broke up,

He was watching it all the time.

Did I tell you that I walked in

On him and his laptop in my parents' bathroom

Last Christmas?

Twice.

Donal's a moron. I'm not Donal.

And you know what?

And this is the truth here.

- Yeah?

- Kinda stopped watching it.

- No, you didn't. - Yes, I did.

I lost all interest in other girls. Completely.

And porn. First time it's ever happened to me.

- I am so flattered.

- Babe, this is huge.

Most guys,

They get out of a long-Term relationship,

Their porn addiction goes through the roof.

Me, I went the other way.

- You had an addiction? - What?

- You used the word "addiction."

- Yeah. About Donal. Not me.

I stopped. Cold turkey.

Uh, that didn't come out right.

- No, it didn't.

- What about you, smarty pants?

- What about me?

You watch any porn?

Come on.

You know what porn is to me.

It's real estate, shoes, and guns.

If I could find a magazine

With glossy pictures of all three...

That'd really get me off.

What?

- I'm thinkin'. - What about?

- Starting a magazine. - Oh, my god.

Sucker-punched by the clock

Buckled to the knees

Checker cab curled around the side of a tree

Into the growl of the city with a deafening cry

Again I ride

- Ah, sh... - What?

My sister Maeve's stupid book club

Is tomorrow night.

We're reading gone girl, and I haven't finished it yet.

And then Billy sat on my iPad,

Which had my copy of gone girl on it.

Well, here you go, use mine.

- Really? - Sure.

- Thanks. - No problem.

Password is "ditka."

- 'Course it is.

looks great.

- Thanks. - Whole place looks great.

- Yeah. New place, new start.

Oh, my god, I wanted you to have my spare key.

- Oh, okay. - For emergencies.

I don't want you to just walk in here unannounced.

- I won't. - 'Cause you never know.

Never know what?

- Who might be here?

- Who are you expecting?

Technically, we are both still free to date.

Hey, I gave up porn for you, remember?

I'm late. Meeting the girls for lunch.

You gotta go.

Just for the record,

You're not allowed to just drop by my place

Unannounced either.

Oh, in case I walk in on you and ditka?

Oh, my god, if that ever happens,

Just start taking tons of pictures, okay?

- Go.

- Bye. - Bye.

- How's he doin'?

- He's conscious. - Blood sugar's at 30.

- Give him one ep of d-50. - You're gonna be all right.

They got the good doctors on today.

I-I need you to do something for me.

- Sure, bro. Call your wife? - No, no, no, no.

No, I need you to go back to my apartment,

Clear the history on my computer,

And then call my wife.

- Seriously? - Please! Please!

Yeah, okay.

Okay.

So what do you guys think it is?

Like some surprise birthday thing for the wife?

Or...Oh, my god.

You think he's having an affair?

- Yeah, with online porn.

- Really? - It's always about porn, bro.

Why else would a guy that was on his deathbed

Ask three strangers to go to his house

And erase his computer history?

Or maybe he's a terrorist. Oh, my god!

What if it's some kind of terrorist plot?

Maybe we should call the FBI. Or the NSA.

You know what the NSA considers

The first significant sign that you're part

Of a terrorist plot?

If you don't have porn on your computer.

Well, then they're coming after me, I guess.

- You don't watch it?

Not any more, no. I stopped.

I found that free online porn

Was becoming a cancer in this country.

The young men in my generation, in particular,

Were beginning to get unrealistic expectations

About both women's bodies and sexual activity.

I think it may have scarred an entire generation of men.

So I decided to stop.

And begin the healing process.

- Holy sh...

Exactly how much time did you spend beating off?

- Um...

Oh, there it is.

- Let's just hit clear history,

Erase his crap, and get the hell out of here.

- Even though he's a PC guy.

- My father's a PC guy, so...

I can handle this.

Just, uh, two clicks,

And easy peasy.

Here we go.

- Yeah, see? Told you.

Okay, okay, you guys were right.

I think we all know where this is going.

Now here comes the...

all: oh!

What is that?

- It's loud! - It's so loud!

Turn it off!

- End it!

- I don't blame you.

I blame society.

And that damn internet.

Hold on.

I got somethin' might help you out.

You think he has a special pill

Or a potion or something?

- Brian, he's not oz. - He's very wise.

I think I may have to give up porn.

Now, everybody, just let's not panic, okay?

It was a horse.

Having an orgasm.

It's not the end of the world.

Aah, maybe it is the end of the world.

I can't stop seeing it.

Did anyone else notice how blue the horse's eyes were?

- What? - Just trying to help.

Whenever i find myself engulfed

In bothersome thoughts,

I sit down and have me some pure heaven on earth.

Go ahead, take a bite.

I saw a lot of bad sh... In Vietnam.

But it's what I expected.

War. And all its ugly parts.

But one time, on this job...

I done what you fools did.

I stuck my nose in some place where it didn't belong.

See, everybody's got a secret.

So when you go in someone's home on a call,

You wanna do what you're supposed to do.

Save their ass, and get 'em in the rig.

How's the candy?

- Delicious.

Anyway, so one time I'm saving this woman

Called in a heart attack.

She's laying on her apartment floor,

And once I get her on the stretcher,

I thought I heard a noise coming from her closet.

She's like, "no, it's okay.

It's just my cat."

But it didn't sound like no cat.

It sounded big.

Real big.

My curiosity got the best of me.

And I opened up that door.

And what I saw

Erased all four of those horrible years

I served in Vietnam.

Was it a mokave king puma cat?

They're the largest domestic breed.

- No.

- It was a 350-Pound man.

Naked.

In a diaper.

Not in a diaper 'cause he had intestinal issues.

In a diaper because he wanted to be a baby.

Again!

Still thinking about horses? All: no.

I'm thinking about the world's largest case

Of diaper rash.

- See? It worked.

The key to this business is minding your business.

And keeping your minds out of the gutter.

'Cause what you put in your head

Will stay in your head, mousse.

- Why are you busting on me?

How many times i catch you

Looking at that filth on your phone, boy?

- Yeah, man, what's the point?

- It's like porn on a thimble.

Do you ever clear the history on that thing?

- Why?

In case somebody takes a look at it.

I don't watch filth on that thing anymore.

I mostly use my iPad.

Why would you want to watch porn on an iPad?

Well, first of all, the resolution is amazing.

And second, it's bigger... Oh, my god!

Theresa has my iPad! - So? She knows you watch porn.

- I told her I stopped.

Why would you do that? That's idiotic.

- How long have you known me?

Good point. Surprised it didn't happen sooner.

How much time we lookin' at?

She's having lunch with the girls and her sister.

So we have a bit of a window. - Which sister?

- Maeve.

Oh, that's a pretty big window.

Let's go. - Okay.

Did the giant baby have a giant rattle?

- Brian! - Let's go!

- I don't get the whole

Mayonnaise-On-French-Fry thing.

Mm-Mm. No.

- It's European.

They do it all over Europe.

it doesn't make you look classy.

It's mayonnaise.

- It's so chic. - No, it's not.

- Yes, it is. - No, it's not.

You know what else Europeans do that's creepy?

They drink soda warm.

- I love warm soda. - Since when?

Since forever.

- Are you okay there, stats?

I can't find a bra that fits me right.

You guys are pretty well set up. How'd you do that?

Lift yourself up, and then put yourself in the cup.

Size up, size down, it's not that difficult.

not squashed. Lift it.

- You know what?

We will all take you shopping after lunch.

- They love boobs in Europe.

- Awesome.

Whoo-Hoo! Huh?

- It's 12:30.

Let's get the hell in there, get this thing,

And get out.

I'm just so thankful for cash telling us that story.

Really cleared my head.

How big do you think that diaper was?

- Hey, your shoe's untied. - Whup? Shoelace situation.

hey, guys. How's it going?

Hey, jimmy. You got transferred to mounted.

No, no, requested it, you know?

Chicks dig horses.

So I hear.

You wouldn't believe the pussy a horse can pull.

- Oh, yeah, I would.

You gotta see the cock on this thing.

It's like four Louisville sluggers

All duct-Taped together.

You guys got a couple minutes?

'Cause usually if you just stand still long enough,

It'll just get a random hard on.

Actually, we're in a bit of a rush.

We only got ten minutes for lunch.

- Maybe next time. - Oh, yeah, okay, cool.

Real cool, all right, well, give me a call sometime.

We'll go to the track and hang.

- Great. - Take it easy, guys.

- All righty. - Brian, let's go.

Hello! Wake up!

go, go, go, go, go.

Go, go, go, go, go.

- Okay, where is it? - Shhh!

- Nobody's home. - Shhh!

She has a nosy neighbor who calls the cops

At the drop of a hat.

- Okay, okay, okay.

Look, this is how this is gonna go down.

Brian, you take the front quadrant,

And johnny, you take the back quadrants.

Why are you assigning quadrants? It's my girlfriend's house.

- I was in the military.

I know how to assign quadrants

In a spy mission situation.

Now, look, Brian.

- You take the kitchen quadrant.

I'm gonna take the bedroom quadrant.

Brian, you take the living room quadrant.

All right? Break.

- That's only three quadrants. - What?

- Quadrants means four areas.

You only assigned three.

The prefix "quad" means "four."

- Okay, forget the quadrants. - It hails from the Latin...

forget the quadrants, okay?

It'll be just an area, all right?

Let's get the three goddamned areas.

- I've made a decision! - Shhh!

I'm not whispering - Keep your goddamn voice down.

Brian, you take the living room quadrant

And the kitchen quadrant.

This woman is a psychopath.

- You happy now?

- All right. - Are happy now?

- Okay, okay.

- Oh, my god.

- What? - Theresa's computer.

- Oh, don't do it, john. - Do you think it's wrong?

Yes. Plus, I believe that it's in my quadrant.

Look, no good can come from this.

- How bad could it be?

Didn't we answer that question earlier today?

Look, I know what Theresa's into.

And it's not horses having sex, okay?

It's real estate and guns.

And shoes.

And I guarantee that's exactly what we're about to see.

"The rock"?

That must be a glitch.

"the rock" again?

- Hit history.

"'The rock' abs. 'The rock' arms.

'The rock' ass"?

"'The rock' eyes?"

- Who's Dwayne Johnson?

Also the rock. His given name.

He debuted as the rock in 1996,

When he became a professional wrestler.

- Oh, my god. - Wow.

That porn horse and the rock

Have the same exact muscular definition.

Look at the ripples on that back.

- Okay, enough.

This is an invasion of Theresa's privacy.

"Penelope Cruz lips," "Penelope Cruz eyes."

- Oh. - "Penelope Cruz bikini"?

"Pregnant Penelope Cruz bikini"?

You use your girlfriend's computer

To look at celebrity chicks? - N...

Pregnant celebrity chicks? I'm so disappointed in you.

Not me. It's Theresa.

Penelope Cruz is her lesbian free ticket.

It's the one girl she'd ever have sex with

If she ever had the chance.

Me, being a gracious boyfriend, said she could do it.

- Who's your free ticket? - Jennifer Aniston.

- Oh, you moron. - What? Why am I a moron?

Because if you pick Penelope Cruz too,

And the day happens to come where you both meet her

And you hit it off, you get to have a threesome!

- Even I know that. - Oh, I didn't...

- Put 'em up, motherfu... - Oh!

- Holy sh..., You guys!

I almost wasted y'all! - Jesus. Billy!

Oh, my god.

Why...Why don't...

Why don't you have any clothes on?

Why is your penis so big?

- It's not that big.

I say this as a black man and a gay dude,

Your cock is enormous.

Really? Thanks, man.

My brothers are bigger.

I'm the smallest one in my family.

I would love to visit their house for thanksgiving.

- God, your balls look tiny.

- How...How do you buy pants?

I don't know who's bigger, him or the porn horse.

- He is, by a nose.

What are you doing here, Billy?

- I was sleeping upstairs. - Naked?

Yeah. It's hard for me to find the right size underwear.

My house is close to the station,

No underwear necessary. - Stop hitting on him.

- He's not hitting on me. - Oh, I'm hitting on you hard.

Did you sleep with my girlfriend?

- Um...i don't think so.

- Holy sh...! - Oh, my god.

He's covering it up and I can still see it.

99th percentile, that's how big that is.

99th percentile. - Wow.

Um, I think I'm gonna put some pants on.

- No! - No!

- I think that's a good idea. - Okay.

What are you guys doing here?

- What is he doing here?

His apartment's being fumigated,

And he's working nights covering for a guy,

So I said he could stay here. What are you doing here?

Well, I just came over to...

To, uh, show the guys the new coffee table.

There it is, boys. What'd I tell you?

Oh, wow! Is this oak?

- Did you get this used?

Yeah, yeah. It's nice.

- Why is my computer open?

The truth is that iPad... My iPad that I lent you...

It's, uh...

It's got porn on it. - I know.

- You looked at my iPad? - Two seconds after you left.

Wanted to know if you were telling the truth

About giving up porn, which of course you weren't.

You looked at my computer? - Yeah, I did.

And I'm sorry about that.

But just what the hell is the deal with all the...

- Hey! - Rock pictures, huh?

- Hey! - Can you tell me that?

First of all, it's none of your business.

Second of all...

I like the rock. He's handsome.

He's agile.

And he's funny.

And he can do that thing with his eyebrows.

- Yes, he can.

I love when he does the eyebrows.

The rock is huge in Europe. They love him there.

What's with Penelope Cruz?

She's my lesbian free ticket, okay?

- Who's his free ticket? - Jennifer Aniston. Pfft.

- Idiot!

If it was Penelope Cruz, then...

Yeah, I got it now, stats. Thanks.

Since we're talking about browser history...

Hmm.

What is with all of the Rachel McAdams topless searches

On your iPad, huh?

"Rachel McAdams topless Bermuda,"

"Rachel McAdams topless Italy."

"Rachel McAdams topless Macau"?

- She travels a lot. - Oh.

It's embarrassing, but the truth is...

I don't have any topless pictures of you,

And she kind of reminds me of you.

There you go.

I wanted a topless picture of you,

And that was as close as I could get.

That's actually kind of sweet.

You never gave him any topless photos?

In Europe, everyone goes topless.

- Shut up, Maeve.

You spent one semester studying in Scotland.

You think I look like Rachel McAdams?

- Yeah. I do.

A lot.

So much so that I've seen all of her movies...

Except the vow. - Oh, my god.

What are you saving it for?

Theresa, i can't find my pants.

- Dang it, Billy.

- Yes! - Is that my iPad?

Is yours the one with big booby car wash on it?

- Yes. - Yeah.

You know what? It's yours.

- Really? - Mm-Hmm.

- Thanks, man.

- Chicago north... - No!

- Ambulance 14. - Oh, thank god.

Life alert, 16 east grove.

- That's our quadrant.

We'd love to stay, but...

- Ambulance 14 responding.

One of you bitches is taking a picture.

- Guys.

Which room was it?

- 2-0-0-8.

- Emergency services!

Why is the phone still ringing?

911 dispatch. Nobody's answering.

Hello? Emergency services!

Hello? All right, stand back.

Hello?

oh, my god!

Oh, that's it. Oh, that's it.

All: oh! - Oh! Oh, my god!

Get outta my house! - What the hell is this?

- Call the police. - No! Nope, nope.

Everything's okay. We're paramedics.

We got an emergency call.

This is the EMT's. It's a false alarm.

It looks like the life alert was set off, um...

Accidentally. - Oh, this is so embarrassing.

- Shh, okay. - It's okay, it's okay.

Um, just next time you engage in athletic activities,

Um, take off the necklace. - Please.

- Thank you. - Please.

- We're just gonna... - Please.

Okay, can we just... - Yeah.

- That was so... - Beautiful.

right?

Two humans in love, the way it was meant to be.

That... That was poetry.

It was the California raisins making a sex tape.

- Not to me.

I was moved.

Horse...gone.

See ya, guys.

I don't think I'm ever gonna get that man's saggy scrotum

Outta my head. - Or her ass.

It was so, uh, wrinkled.

I mean, i thought it was her ass.

Maybe it was... Oy.

Giant baby, giant baby, giant baby.

giant baby, giant baby.

Giant baby... - Text from Maeve.

Ooh, please be what I think it might be.

Jackpot! - What?

Goodbye, saggy scrotum. Hello, king dong.

She sent me a photo of Billy's dick.

She sent me a photo of Billy dick.

- Ah.

I'm a free man.

I'ma save this bitch right now.

Well, what am i supposed to do?

giant baby.

It's a text from Theresa. - What is it?

- Nothing.

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