All language subtitles for Single Parents s01e10 The Magic Box.eng

We want matching 2200-watt
industrial jackhammers.

There's more.
Get a pen out, old man.

It's weird to see
Santa outside.

It feels wrong,

like when there's a bird
in the airport.

[ Chuckles ]
Oh, I don't mind this.

Watching people smoke
while they're waiting for Santa

takes me back
to my childhood.

Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.

Had to look my best
for old Saint Nick.

What are we working with?

Well,
he's a little sweaty,

but I dig
that he's legit fat.

But how rosy
are those cheeks?

How merry
are those dimples?

Okay, I cannot support
your Santa fetish.

Look, it was very
thoughtful of you all to keep me in the mix,

but I'm gonna go.

No!
No! What?

Yeah, it just feels weird

standing in line for Santa
on Christmas Eve

without a kid.

Oh, you can borrow
one of mine.

Douglas, Rory
is not replaceable.

Now, this first Christmas
without him is gonna be hard,

but I had him last year,

so I have to deal with the fact
that it's Ron's turn.

I'm sure Rory's
having a blast in Hawaii. Yeah.

Hey, want to be my plus-one
to Dwayne's Christmas party?

It's gonna be me, Dwayne,
and that's about it.

Thanks, Miggy,
but I know myself,

and tonight
is about sadness.

Like "trying a recipe
from a box of crackers"- style sadness.

That's sad.

-I'll see y'all in the new year.
-All righty.

-Bye, Poppy.
-Bye.

Yo, G!
It's almost your turn!

You psyched
out of your mind?

I wish, but something
happened at school

that sent me
into a real spiral.

[ School bell rings ]
I can't believe it's Christmas!

What did
you ask Santa for?

Um, I don't mean to ruin
anything for you,

but if Santa was real,

he would have to visit
800 houses per second.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

I don't want her
to be right,

but things
aren't adding up.

Emma:
Um, heads up, Sophie.

This Santa's
weirdly religious.

This Mall Santa's
a formality.

This Christmas
is gonna go down

just like
all the others --

my mom's gonna rock it,
and Dad's gonna blow it.

Angie: Is that true?

Yep.
Christmas is all Mia.

Every year she sends Sophie

this Magic Box
of awesome presents,

and I usually just end up

getting her
a bunch of forgettable crap.

That fights everything
I know to be true about you.

-Word.
-But it's the truth.

I-I phone it in.

Christmas presents
are overrated anyway.

That's why I keep it
super chill at my house.

I just get Graham
a bunch of Legos,

and he writes me a story
about the two of us.

Wait, you don't exchange gifts
with anybody else?

Mnh-mnh.
Not even your boyfriend?

Owen? No.

He's not my boyfriend.
Oh.

You know, we're keeping it
at a nice, slow pace.

You're up, Graham.

I can't face
the big guy right now.

I have too many questions.

Hey, I got you, G.

It's Santa time, Jack!

Hey, can you hold
this little dude for me?

Thanks, brotha.

Yo, Santa, make some room
on that lap for a big boy!

Santa: No, no, no, no.

-No!
-Ah!

Okay, h-he is doing this
for the kids' benefit, right?

He doesn't actually
believe in Santa?

I don't even want to know.
He drives our kids around.

**

-- Captions by VITAC --

**

[ Knocking on door ]

Ugh.

Not while
I'm taping things.

**

Owen?

Ho...Ho...

Ho...
Oh, ho!

You've made
the naughty list. [ Gasps ]

[ Both laugh ]

I'm sorry.
Is this horrible? No.

I mean, you know,
for anybody else, maybe, but...

Oh, you know Ol' Angie D
is a Santa Hound.

Mm.
Mm.

Ooh, I got
a package for you.

Oh. Okay.

We're exchanging gifts.

Well, yeah, I mean,
this is cool, right?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Very cool.

[ Chuckles ]

But, um, you know,
I-I rush-ordered you a gift,

and that's ready for pick-up,
so I'm gonna go...

-Oh. [ Chuckles ]
-...get that.

You don't have to go out
on Christmas Eve.

No, no, no, I wanted to,

but, uh, Graham's in there
sleeping, so, um...

Now you're here.

And if you don't mind

just hanging out
for 10 minutes,

I'll be right back.

Feel free to duct tape up
the wreath.

If you have time.

**

[ Door closes ]

Okay, cool.

Poppy?

Well, I hope you're home.
You got a lot of candles going.

What do you want,
Douglas?

Look, I-I know exactly
what you're going through.

My first Christmas alone,

all I had to do was hear
two notes from Perry Como,

and it was enough
to make me cry.

I never did,
but the potential was there.

This holiday was not designed
with single parents in mind,

and that's why
I'm gonna take a nap

until it's time
to go to bed.

Okay, listen, can I just throw
something out real quick?

The girls and I,
we have a holiday tradition,

and we would be honored
if you would join us.

Douglas, I'm not in the right
emotional head space

for a holiday tradition.

I promise you, Poppy.

I know exactly
what you need right now.

A Fogerty Christmas Eve
at the club

will chase away your blues.

[ All yelling, cheering ]

**

Welcome to
the North Pole Bowl --

a festive gathering
of loving families

kicking the dirt
out of each other.

So, you people
turned Jesus' birthday

into the Olympics?

Yeah. Isn't it great?

Okay, I'm gonna need
both of these.

And, hey, stay close.

Talk about
a white Christmas.

Will: [ Humming ]
[ Rapid knocking on door ]

Angie!

Uh, everything all right?

You're looking
especially jacked.

Owen just showed up
unannounced

with a gift for me!

So now I have to wrap up
some of your stuff

so I don't look like
a total jerk who doesn't care!

How much
for this jacket?

Well, first of all,
that's my team jacket

from when I coached
Sophie in soccer,

so $1 million.

And, second,
can this wait?

It's Christmas Eve.

I got a ton of stuff
to wrap for Sophie -- No, it can't wait.

Every store out there
is a total mob scene.

You, Will Cooper,

are my only chance
at a Christmas miracle.

So, you're asking me
for a miracle?

Yes! I am!

I need to Tasmanian Devil
through your personal belongings

until I find the right shirt,
gadget, or tchotchke

that will save
my relationship.

Only thing that's off limits
is printer ink.

It's very expensive.

That's fine.
[ Whispers ] Let's ransack my house.

**

You're the only person
I know

who does their wrapping
in the kitchen.

I like working
with a chilled ribbon.

You know, I don't have time
to unpack that,

but just keep looking.

Well, you're welcome to anything
except this pile.

Those are my gifts
to Sophie.

Wait.

Crocs?

Hand sanitizer, a --

A Hollywood hat?

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

God, Sophie's right,
you do stink at this.

[ Chuckles ]

How are you someone
who phones it in at Christmas?

You never phone it in.

I phone stuff in
all the time.

Sometimes I'll even lazily
abbreviate words,

like it's no big D.

Will,
look me in the eye...

Yeah.

In my eyes.
I am.

And tell me

that off-brand beef jerky

is the best you can do...
[ Laughs ]

...for your precious
daughter, Sophie,

on her one Christmas morning,
comes but once --

Of course it's not,
okay?!

I am an excellent
gift giver!

Finding someone
the perfect gift

is the best and only way
to say

"I get you, man.

You are cherished."

So --

I lied! All right?

The Magic Box
is not from Mia.

It's from me!

[ Breathing heavily ]

Douglas: The trick
to surviving holidays

is just distract yourself
from your own emotions.

Some people like to mope
in front of a fire.

I prefer to step on throats
at the North Pole Bowl.

Woman: [ Grunts ]

I was expecting
more of a Bing Crosby vibe...

Referee: Break it up.
Maybe a decent martini?

Hey, you know what?
Ease up on the martinis, okay?

Because the twins and I,

we need you to be sharp

so I have a chance
of winning the grand prize --

access to
the club's 19th hole.

Please, Poppy.

I've only seen it
in paintings.

So, you only invited me here
because you needed a fourth?

Technically, yes,

but you want to know
what's better

than being miserable
at home?

Helping me meet
Dan Marino,

one of the select few

granted access
to the 19th hole.

I have no idea
who that is. I know.

And it doesn't matter.

But do you know what
I think does matter?

That you're around people
right now.

That's good,

because where you
were headed earlier, that was bad.

It was not a good place.

Okay, step right up,

because you're next!

Douglas, you signed me up
for an adult sack race,

and you didn't
ask me first?

-Move it, Poppy!
-Don't blow this for us!

[ Whistle blows ]
Hop!

My God, woman, hop!
You tricked me.

I'm not gonna forget this.
That's good.

Use that anger

to crush
the other families.

Oh, did you just
hip check me?!

You wanna spend Christmas
in the hospital, huh?!

Wait, so I don't get it.

Why does Mia get
all the credit

for the Magic Box

when she has nothing
to do with it?

Mia tries, okay?

It's just
Sophie is growing so fast,

and by the time the stuff
gets here from the Sudan,

she's moved on
to something else.

I guess I get that.

Graham will be heavy
into Batman Legos,

and then wham!

The next minute
it's all about Star Wars Legos,

and I'm sitting there
with a Lego Robin in my hand

like a freakin' idiot.

It's the worst.

So I came up
with a simple system

that'll save
Christmas for them.

It doesn't sound simple.

It sounds like
"Westworld"-level confusing.

It's not, okay?

Mia doesn't know this,
but I re-wrap her gifts.

I slap a tag on it
that says, "From Dad."

Then I take my awesome gifts,
I put them in the Magic Box.

And boom,
perfect Christmas.

Maybe you deserve
a perfect Christmas.

Thank you,
that's very nice.

But this is how we do Christmas
in my family.

Mia is
the glitzy humanitarian,

and I'm the guy
on the ground.

Making lunches.

Fighting
with the dentist.

Why do you fight
with the dentist?

Because
he doesn't get it. Okay.

Sexy niche
you've carved out for yourself.

She's the amazing
gift giver,

and you're the guy
who fights with the dentist.

[ Slams counter ]
He fights with me!

Whatever, man.

You have a really weird
Christmas routine,

and I think deep down,
you know that.

Do you know
what's weird?

Not getting your boyfriend
a Christmas present.

I -- I told you,
he's not my boyfriend.

Exactly!
And that's weird!

What's it been?
Like, a year?

What's wrong with him?

Does he have
a weird birthmark?

Does he say "catsup"
instead of "ketchup"?

Does his apartment have,
like, a weird smell?

Like, not like a bad smell
or a good smell,

but just a very distinct smell,

like, "What is that smell?"

What's wrong? Does --

Is he a bad dancer
or a good dancer? No!

It's not about Owen.

[ Sighs ]

It's about
Graham and Owen.

There's a reason
I haven't introduced them.

I'm raising a --
a 7-year-old,

and it's really hard.

And Owen
is a 30-year-old guy

without a care in the world,
and...

I just can't picture him
being ready for that.

Or maybe
you're not ready for that.

Yeah, maybe I'm not.

Then what the heck
are you doing here, Angie,

turning my house
upside-down?

You got to go to him.

You have
to figure this out.

I think you're right.

I have to go
break up with him.

Uh, no.

Not what I was saying
at all.

[ Cheering ]

You can do it, honey!
Come on!

Yes!
Yes!

[ Laughs ]
Yes!

Come at me! Come at me!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah.
Way to go, Emma or Amy.

* La-la, la, la

* 'Tis the season
to be jolly * You got this.

Oh, I know I do, Amy.

* Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la * Be the tree.

* Don we now
our gay apparel * Ah!

And that's how you win
Christmas, dirtbags!

* Fa-la-la, la-la-la,
la-la-la *

* Fa-la-la-la-la

* Fa-la-la-la-la

* Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la *

-Yes!
-Boom!

And that's how you
carefully carry an ornament!

I knew you
were our missing piece!

Nobody's gonna be able
to catch us.

Poppy? You missed a call
from Rory.

He said he's going to a luau
with no service.

He'll call you tomorrow.

[ Sighs ]

I missed a call
from my baby.

But you were having a great time
with us, right?

But I shouldn't be.
Not without him.

No, no, come on.
Don't -- Don't leave.

You're the only one
with enough speed

to catch
the Christmas goose!

Graham: Mom?

This guy in shorts
says he's the real Santa.

Merry Christmas,
Ms. D'Amato!

**

And now you've met
my son.

Angie: Isn't it amazing
that we're standing here

with the real Santa Claus?

I don't know, Mom.

This guy isn't doing a lot
to convince me.

The details of his friendship
with the Easter Bunny

keep changing.
Owen: [ Chuckles ]

Your son's had
a lot of questions.

Are you watching me
with cameras

or is it more
of a psychic thing? Uh...

What did Abraham Lincoln
get for Christmas?

Doesn't there have to be
some gray area

between naughty and nice?

Oh, boy. Um...

Of all the actors
who played you,

who do you think nailed it?

Tim Allen?

Does being alive
as long as you have

ever feel like a curse?

This little boy is not a fan
of yes or no answers.

He wants details.

I like to be painted
a picture.

Angie: You know what?

I think Santa should probably
be getting back to work.

Every minute
he spends with us

is another child's
Christmas ruined.

That's right.
[ Chuckles ] [ Doorbell rings ]

My favorite
Christmas tradition,

answering the door!

Miggy?
What are you doing here?

Without getting into it,

me and Dwayne
are in a fight.

Happens every time
we watch "Elf."

So I was just
chilling at home with Jack

when Graham called me
about Santa.

Is this the guy, Graham?

Looks like
the real deal to me.

I'm not
fully convinced yet.

Hmm.

If you're
the real Santa Claus,

do you remember the year
you brought me that N64?

Yes?

[ Gasps ]

Did you hear that, Graham?
It all checks out.

Yep. Yep.

It all checks out.

So, Santa should probably
be getting back to work,

'cause who knows
how much longer

our roof will support
the weight of his sleigh.

-Yeah.
-Just one more question.

A girl at my school says

you'd have to visit
800 houses every second

if you were real.

How do you do that?!

I-I know
the answer's magic,

but I want
to go past that.

Well, uh...
[ Chuckles ]

Your friend is, um...

Your friend is --

is too worried
about the math.

You see, I'm able to
bring holiday cheer

to so many people
in one night

because I have
a lot of help.

Yeah, yeah.

I-I got parents,
and friends,

and mall Santas,

and I inspire every one of them
to do their part.

And so, together,
we're all Santa.

And having so much help
frees me up

to make special
one-on-one visits

to good little
boys and girls

that might need a little extra
Christmas magic.

**

Wow.

Damn, dude.

This is Santa!

I never doubted you
for a second!

It's been a pleasure,
sir.

Yo, Santa. Come on.
I'll walk you out.

Oh, Miggy?
[ Clears throat ]

Don't you think
you should be

getting
baby Jack back to bed?

Right. Smart.

He won't be coming to the crib
unless we're asleep.

Good night.

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Door closes ]

**

Angie? Will Cooper.

I've been, uh, thinking about
this Magic Box situation,

and, um...you were right.

This year, Sophie is getting
the good presents from Dad.

All right.

Sorry for
so many messages.

Your phone
kept cutting me off.

Bye.

Dad, can I --

What's that?

A glow-in-the-dark
ant farm?

That's so cool!

It must be from Mom!

**

Yeah.

She nailed it again.

But unfortunately,

because of the 2018
Christmas Code of Conduct,

since you're out of bed,

I have to give this
to Toys for Tots --

I was never here!

Okay.

**

I guess we can add
"meeting sexy Santa"

to the list of things

that he'll eventually
tell his therapist.

[ Chuckles ]

Should we open
these gifts?

Um...

Wait, I have to tell you
something.

I was ready
to end this tonight.

'Cause I didn't know
if I could see you with my son.

And then I watched you

convince him
that Santa really exists,

and...you're wonderful.

[ Sighs ]

I didn't get you a gift.

I wish I had,

because I'm sure
whatever this is

is really thoughtful --

I got you a candle.

Vanilla?

Is this the same kind

we have in the bathroom
at work? Yep.

Realized that
after the fact.

Real bummer.

[ Laughs ]
[ Sighs ]

Look,
I got all in my head

about where we were
as a couple.

Mm-hmm.
Are we jewelry?

Are we "Owen Bucks"?

I needed to get
something that showed how much I like you

while also
not spooking you.

And that gift
does not exist.

So, therefore, candle.

Candle.
Yeah.

Owen...

I'm rusty at this.

Will you be my boyfriend?

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

Okay. [ Laughs ]

**

Can you put the beard
back on?

Oh, definitely.

Okay.
Yeah.

[ Chuckles ]
It's Christmas.

[ Doorbell rings ]

-Hey.
-Hey.

-Merry Christmas.
-We cut this down ourselves.

Yeah, your neighbor
can send me a bill.

-Keys.
-Yep.

-Where are they going?
-To get the stand.

They've done this before.
[ Sighs ]

Look, Douglas,
I appreciate the gesture,

but you guys
don't want to be here.

I put a pair of Rory's PJs
on the couch cushion...

and, well,
we've been spooning.

Okay, well,
I do want to be here.

I'm not gonna try to talk you
out of being sad.

I just wanted to,
uh, sit with you.

All right.
Well, sit wherever you want.

Just not on my son,
the couch cushion.

Ahh.
[ Chuckles ]

Sorry I cost you guys
the 19th hole.

What, are you kidding?
We still won.

By a lot.
Oh.

You know, Christmas wasn't
always such a marathon

like it is today.

It's exhausting.

I'm mad at every single one
of those damn songs.

Except Mariah.
I love her.

For Rose and I,
it was Perry Como. Mm.

Can you believe
I met a 27-year-old

who loved Perry Como?

And after she died,

I just could never listen
to him again.

Luckily, avoiding Perry Como
is extremely easy

most of the year, so...

Hmm.

Holidays are hard.

Ugh. I know.

So, this is what it's like
when you're...

not distracting yourself
from your feelings.

Mm-hmm.

Welcome
to the dark side.

Thanks for being
here with me.

It's kind of nice.

Yeah.

[ Door opens ]
What are you guys doing?

Oh, no.
I was just, uh --

Hmm...
Already bored.

[ Hammering ]

**

He lifts, bro.

Angie, Graham,
Emma and Amy don't believe me.

Can you please tell them
that Santa is toned as hell?

He's in excellent shape
for his age,

and he's
a great listener.

He was
just there with us.

So present.

My only complaint was that
he didn't hit us

with a classic
"Ho, ho, ho."

But meeting him was
what I wanted this year.

And he knew that.

Okay, at what point
should we be worried

that he's --
Never.

We must never
ask this question. Okay.

Hey,
I just wanted to say

I'm sorry if I got in your head
about Owen last night.

How'd he take it?

Things are pretty good.

He's my boyfriend now.

Wow!
[ Laughs ] Yeah.

Oh!

That's -- That's great.

Good for you.

But, you know,
you should apologize

about the five voicemails
you left me.

[ Laughs ]
And you kept on introducing yourself.

I know it's you.
You might know other Wills.

-I don't.
-Angie, look.

It's from my mom.

And it glows in the dark!

Oh, wow!
That's really cool, Soph.

I knew you weren't
gonna take credit

for any of that good stuff.

Yeah, but look
how happy she is.

That's my perfect Christmas.

Mm. I get it.

There is one gift
I will take credit for.

Angie,
Merry Christmas from me.

Oh!

**

[ Chuckles ]

This is, like, every story
Graham's ever written me.

"'The Complete Short Stories'
by Graham D'Amato,

edited by William Cooper."

[ Chuckles ]

You weren't shy about
taking credit on this one.

Yeah, I had to get in there.

Your kid loves a tangent.

You get me, man.

[ Chuckles ]

I feel cherished.

That was the goal.

Douglas: Hello?

Everyone shut up.
It's Dan Marino's assistant!

Yes, Megan, and to you.

I see.

No problem.

Marino's blowing me off!

**

What are
we looking at here?

I drew a picture
of you guys!

-Uh-huh.
-So, where's our present?

[ Cellphone rings ]
You guys, it's Rory!

It's Rory! Get together!

-Ooh!
-Ooh!

-Mele Kalikimaka, Rory!
-Hey, Rory!

I miss you guys,

and I really,
really miss you, Mom.

Oh, baby. I love you.

I didn't know
I could miss you so much.

Mom, I know we're
having a moment,

but could you please hand
the phone over to Miggy?

Your framing is trash.
-You know what?

Yeah, it's pretty trash.
It's okay. I have to --

I got you.
Oh.

* You can't beat
home sweet home *

Do you want me to skip ahead?
It's on shuffle. Oh, no, no.

That's okay.
I -- I love this song.

* Oh, there's no place
like home * Hadn't heard it

* For the holidays

* For the holidays

* You can't beat
home sweet home *

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