All language subtitles for Single Parents s01e09 White.eng

Yay! You guys,
the Parent Social's tonight!

Just kidding.
That's terrible news. Oh, God.

No, no, no, no, no, it's gonna
be fun this year, guys.

I'm your Room Parent.

It's kind of my thing.
Douglas is hosting.

But I really, really need
your help, guys,

'cause I'm gonna be circulating
a petition to get

all of the parents
in our class to agree

not to buy our children phones
until eighth grade.

I call it "Wait Till Eighth."
Oh, Will.

Why?
That's cool.

Guys, seriously.
This is important, okay?

Sophie's already addicted
to my phone.

Next time you see her,
look at her hands.

Her thumbs are frozen
like this.

That's not good.
So I know that it's lame,

but I really need your help
gathering signatures,

and I will be
handing out clipboards.

I'm not holding a clipboard
in my own home.

Yeah.
Clipboard's a no-go.

Sorry, Will. The Parent Social's
like high school.

When the kids
aren't around,

the parent scene becomes
a John Hughes movie.

It's all cliques.

And I don't think I have to
tell you who the losers are.

It's us.
The losers are us. Yeah, which is fine.

I've never been part
of the cool clique --

or any clique, really.

It was always just me
and the stairwell.

But the point is, you know,
I'm used to it.

Yeah. They think we're weird
because we're single,

but I think
they're jealous.

You know they want to sleep
in the middle

of their beds,

and I spread out
like a starfish.

-Hm.
-Suck it, marrieds!

Be nice to be in love,
though.

Mm.
Yeah, that would be nice.

And, Poppy, you did us
no favors last year.

They called her
Sloppy Poppy.

Ooh!
Hey, I had just finalized my divorce,

and there was an open bar.
I was fun.

Oh, please. I'm the one who
threw the damn thing last year,

and how was I repaid?

My prize possession
was stolen.

He's talking
about a pen.

It was a Ronald Reagan
White House collectible,

stolen -- by that bastard
right over there, Mark Rush.

The sweet dad
from our class? Aww.

Now, that is a kind man.

Schmuck.
I even like that guy.

-Hey, guys.
-Hey!

Thank you so much
for your casserole recipe.

Mark: You're so welcome.

Just remember --
375, 40 minutes,

and then peel off the foil
for the final 10.

You're gonna think you died
and went to heaven. [ Chuckles ]

Hey, Douglas.
Yep.

He's a monster.

Did you forget
that Mark worked for me?

I mentored him. I taught him
everything he knew.

And then he stole
half my patients

and started
his own practice?

And now he's the most popular
guy in the school

and he thinks
he can steal my pen?

How do you know
it was Mark?

You can't just accuse
an innocent man.

Yes, I can, because I'm not
as good a person as you.

You haven't done
a single thing wrong

the whole time
I've known you.

You -- You stop completely
at stop signs.

You give back
extra change.

You're like the Dalai Lama
with longer hair.

Thanks.

All right, I know
what it's gonna take

to get your help
with the petition.

Babysitting. Hit me.

Bingo.
I need Saturday night.

-I want Tuesday.
-June.

The month of June.

You know what, actually?
Let's make a deal.

Saturday nights
into Sunday mornings

Yes!
and a Thursday sneak attack whenever we feel like it.

She's good.

All right.

-Yes!
-Yes!

Oh, God, I love exploiting
a person in need.

-- Captions by VITAC --

[ Dance music plays ]

[ Indistinct conversations,
laughter ]

Okay, visual aids are in place,
and my special

guest speaker is on the way.

Trust me.

The person I am bringing

is going to blow your minds.

It's Dewan.
Obviously Dewan. The pediatrician

Yes, okay.

-[ Sighs ]
-Douglas, I can't believe

you agreed to host
this wack-ass party again.

Oh, I have my reasons.

Big plans are afoot
this evening.

[ Laughs ]

Well, that's not shady.

All right, until 8:00,

you will mingle
with parents in your zone.

There's a map on the back

as well as talking points.

Angie, your card's already
on the ground!

I have a weak grip.

Is anybody interested in wearing

a cellphone costume later?

Super breathable,
commercial quality rental...

We all know who's wearing
the costume, Will.

Yeah, and it is my size.
I'm pretty psyched about it.

Okay, gang. Let's fan out.

Oh, no.

Put me in a different zone.

I have the worst clique.

We don't have cliques.
This is Hilltop.

Oh, you sweet, dumb man.

Look around.

You got the hippies...

the jocks...

the power couples...

the wannabe swingers --

don't go to their house
for a nightcap.

But the scariest

are the class trendsetters --

Jackie, Molly, and Lex.

[ Sighs ] I call them...

the We'vers.

[ School bell rings ]

We've noticed you haven't picked
a dish for the bake sale yet.

We've sent you the SignUpGenius
three times.

We've been
very disappointed.

**

Jackie thinks she's so cool
because her husband

writes for "Gotham."

All five seasons?
[ Sighs ]

Please, don't make me
talk to them.

Angie, that's what the note card
is for, okay?

I think you will find I have
a pretty great ear for dialogue.

There are a shocking number
of stage directions,

but I'll try.

"...which puts kids at risk
for a permanent hump

on the back
of their necks.

It's called tech neck."

I got the jocks.

Ugh. Lucky.

Where'd they go?!

**

There she is!

Oh. [ Chuckles ]
My guest speaker!

Okay, now, my speech
isn't till 8:00,

so that gives us
an hour and a half

to mingle
with the parents.

Parents? [ Chuckles ]

You said
this was a high-profile event.

Uh, it is.
Every single parent is here.

Even Jessica's mom.
She never comes to these things.

Yeah, no,
I can't go in there.

They will eat me alive.
Those parents worship me.

It's always, "Dr. Dewan,
can you cure my kid?"

"Dr. Dewan,
you're so hot."

It's a real hassle.

Monica?

Mm-hmm?
These are just normal people

trying to enjoy
an evening without kids.

[ Exhales sharply ]
Okay.

Yeah. [ Chuckles ]
Okay.

It's happening.
They saw me.

This is not good.

None of them
are blinking.

They're gonna start to move
towards me at some point.

One of the moms
just licked her lips.

All right,
the traps are set.

All I got to do
is sit back

and wait for the rat
to smell the cheese.

Mark's the rat.

Traps?
Really, Douglas?

My TV's connected
to all the security cameras.

Every room in the house
is being watched

like the "M.A.S.H." finale,

especially my study,
where I've laid out

all of my most valuable,
most portable possessions.

And when that Judas steals,
everyone's gonna be watching.

As an extra precaution,
I got a guy on the ground.

It's me.
I'm on the ground.

Relax.
Chill mode. Okay.

I'm a "bartender,"

but I'm really just here
to keep an eye on Mark.

Once someone tells me
who he is.

Okay, I think this is
a terrible plan,

and I once took all the kids
to the beach.

Let's say
he did steal the pen.

So what?
He deserves a second chance.

Save it for Earth Day.

He's not a person.
He's a backstabbing turd.

He must be
taken off the streets.

This is like "Spy Games,"
you know? Yeah.

Okay, Miggy.
I hate to break it to you.

Huh?
You're not gonna catch Mark.

You don't know that.

[ Quietly ]
Yes, I do!

I stole the pen,
Miggy.

Ooh, Miggy conflicted.

**

Hey.

Uh, "Did you know
smartphone dependence

produces the same
brain response

as a hard-core
gambling addiction?

Don't love those odds."

Are you literally reading off
an index card right now?

Yeah, it's a whole thing.
Will gave me a script.

Ugh.
He scripts everything.

Who does he think he is,
Aaron Sorkin?

Sorry. My husband writes
for "Gotham."

[ Inhales sharply ]
Will is obsessed with control.

[ Chuckles ]

Let me guess.
He brought a puppet.

Or a tiny
smoke machine.

Will is a smoke machine.
Am I right?

[ Chuckles ]

Well, at least
you have better taste

in clothes
than you do in friends.

I am loving
that tuxedo ensemble.

Oh. Really?

Mm-hmm. Totally.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I don't care
what my therapist says.

You do know that Will brought
a cellphone costume

to wear tonight, right?

[ Laughter ]
Wait, no!

Hot.
I'm dying.

Oh, my God.
Tell us more.

Oh, he has a Hilltop Elementary
bomber jacket.

The school doesn't sell those.
That means he made it.

[ Laughter ]

Wait. Angie.

[ Gasps ]

Are you hilarious?

I think I am.

[ Laughter ]

We've never really
talked to you before.

You actually have,
like a hundred times,

but it's okay.

[ Laughter ]

Whoo!

**

7:15 huddle, right on time.

Okay, so, where are we
with signatures?

My gut tells me 10?

Zero.
Nothing.

What signatures?

Really?
No new signatures?

Well, I'm doing great
in my zone.

I'm in
with the We'vers.

Poppy: What? Really?

That's surprising.
You hate those mean ladies.

Well, that was until I realized
that they get me.

They think I'm funny.

You're not funny.

I am
when I'm dunking on Will.

[ Chuckles ]
Stings a little,

but hey, if it gets them
to sign on the line.

Could you get them
to wear the button?

No. No chance.
[ Rattling ]

But we've been talking,
and we've noticed

that your girlfriend's
hitting the sauce pretty hard.

Did you just "we've" him?

Yeah. I did.

Yes, my lady is on
a bullet train to Wobble Town,

but for good reason.

Anne, your kid
doesn't have ADHD.

That's the sugar
you pour down her throat.

There. I said it.
Sugar's a drug. Next!

You did this.
Keep 'em coming.

Zach: My kid still wets
the bed.

Zach, your son is 25 years old.
Take them to a urologist.

[ Echoing ] Next!
Have I tried cutting her off? Yes.

Not gonna do that again.

Where the hell is
that Mark?

Probably too ashamed
to show his face.

Hey,
how are y'all doing?

There's the rat.
How dare you show your face?

Hey, Mark's so nice.

Look, he brought
a full pound cake.

And look, he loves
his age-appropriate wife.

Let it go?

Did Reagan
let Gorbachev go?

I will not back down!

Miggy, you've got to
hold it together.

I'm freaking out,
you know?

I'm supposed to be
Douglas' eyeballs.

Eyeballs
don't have secrets.

Eyeballs are supposed to be
loyal to the brain.

Be loyal to me.

I'm your boss
and your landlord.

And, unless
you were lying last week,

your favorite person
to nap next to.

It wouldn't rock my world
to find out

Angie was a liar and a thief,
but you're my idol.

There's still one question
that haunts me.

Why?

Haunts you?

You just found out
10 minutes ago.

And I didn't steal the pen.
Sloppy Poppy did.

[ Slurring ]
Now that I'm divorced, my life's my own again.

I am taking
a pizza-making class,

I am become very vocal
on Yelp,

and I --

What are you having?

Uh...

...them digits.

Poppy: And the rest is
all a blur.

Somehow I woke up at a bus stop
in Torrance.

How I got there,
I'll never know.

I assume it was by bus.

Anyway,
I kept thinking

that Douglas
would forget about it,

but now he's obsessed
with taking Mark down,

and Mark's the best!

So where's the pen?

Where is any pen, Miggy?
I don't know. It's a pen.

You got to tell Douglas
the truth.

I know. I should.

But Douglas thinks of me
as a saint,

and honestly,
I love that,

because it means
I get to yell at him

about all the things
he does wrong,

and yelling at Douglas is
one of my favorite things to do.

Now, if he finds out
I stole his pen

and lied about it
for a year,

he never has to
listen to me again.

I was just about to change
his mind about Tucker Carlson.

But what about Mark?

You're really gonna let him
take the fall?

What about Tucker Carlson?
Uh --

A tour is not necessary,
Douglas. I've seen your house.

Well, you can see it again,
give us a chance to catch up.

So, how you been?

Not great.

My dad's not responding
to the radiation and --

Yeah, that's rough.
Let's walk, huh?

Jackie: Oh, my God.

Remember the Vegetable
of the Day e-mail

that Will sent
about lunches?

Oh, my God!
The worst.

He cares so much.

Molly: Some of us care
just as much,

and we waited our turn
for nothing.

Aw. I was supposed
to hand down Room Parent

to Molly this year.

Being Room Parent
was all I had.

I do not want to go back
to life coaching.

Will weaseled his way in
with a million stupid ideas.

Remember
Teacher Sleepovers?

Oh.
Pimp My Calculator?

-Ugh.
-Or tonight.

These socials are meant
for us to blow off steam,

but instead,
every two minutes,

he comes up with a petition
saying, "Hey, gang."

Hey, gang.
How's it going?

Just wondering if you got
a chance to put your Jen Hancock

on the petition
for Wait For Eighth.

Hey, Will.

Hi, Lexi.

[ Sighing ]
Oh, my God.

Uh, you know, Will, right now
really isn't a good time.

Oh, okay.
I'm so sorry.

I'm off to the ol' sauna
to don the cellphone costume.

Sure you don't want to wear it?
Last chance.

No?

Okay. Bye.

Hey, guys!

[ Laughter ]

You're so bad,
Angie!

I hate him so much.

Yeah. He's --
Uh, yeah.

It's so great you're on our side
about Will.

Now you can help us.
Help you what?

Take him down.
So Molly can become Room Parent.

**

Mm.

**

Alexa,
turn on the trophy lights.

Alexa: Okay.

Wow.
These all yours?

Yes.

Go ahead.
Pick 'em up.

Uh, no.
I-I don't need to --

Pick them up, Mark.

**

Ah. That was signed
by Pete Rose,

Mr. Charlie Hustle
himself.

I met him at
a wet T-shirt contest in Reno.

There's a class act.

**

"Thanks for making gorgeous
so easy.

Best wishes, Bo Derek."

Her Botox work alone
paid for my big car.

Yep, that's just one of the many
treasures that I've amassed.

Anyway, I should probably
get back to my guests now.

No, no, no, no.

You stay
and admire my collection.

Oh, I should really
get back to my wife --

You'll stay
and admire my collection.

Okay.

[ Quietly ] Alexa, set
the temperature to 90 degrees.

Alexa: The heat is set to 90.
[ Door closes ]

The sauna's occupied!

Oh.

[ Slurring ]
Hey, I'm leaving, okay?

Some mom had her kid call me
so I could hear his cough.

It was just the worst.

Are you dressed
like a phone?

I am.

And you can't leave.

I need you
for the presentation.

**

What's in it for me?

Oh, you mean sexy time.
Mm-hmm.

Boop, boop, boop...

Oh!

...boop.

If I let you dial me,
you'll stay?

Mm-hmm.

Operator,
I got disconnected.

Can you connect me?

Ooh.

Yes, ma'am.
We can help you with that.

You could either
consult your directory

or for ten cents --
Mm-hmm.

Okay. Mark is in the study
right now.

Turn on that camera.

**

He's got Bo.
He's got Bo!

Okay, everybody,
gather around.

Zoom in, Miggy.
Zoom!

Douglas, I'm not the eyeballs
you thought I was.

Oh, crap on a cracker.

Someone's having sex
in my sauna!

Yeah, I know it's roaming,
but I still want data!

Sorry.

Oh, that's great.
Sorry.

I think
that's Will.

By the amount of apologizing
happening, it definitely is.

4 and the 6.
Touch the 4 and the 6.

Is that cellphone role-play?
Oh, my...

I'm going in the canyon.
Can you hear me?

[ Imitates ringing ]
Incoming call.

[ Imitates buzzing ]
Did someone just get a text?

Will, Will,
before you go out there,

I have to tell you
something. [ Imitates beep ]

Gonna have to put that on hold,
Angie. It's 8:00. No, I really have

Will you come back --
No -- Okay. Speech time, baby.

God, what do we do?

[ Amplified ]
Check one, check one.

Can I get a level up on this?

Nope? Okay.

Uh, welcome, everyone.

Are we having fun?

Not as much as you.

[ Laughter ]

That's true. I am having
a very good time.

[ Breathes deeply ]

But now it's time
to get a little serious. Angie. Psst.

A phone makes
our lives easier.

Oh, right.
I'm still popular.

But it also makes
our lives less present.

Isn't this hilarious?
He has no idea.

[ Laughter ]

Now, you guys have
seen enough of me.

Yeah, we have.

[ Laughter ]

Ha!

[ Laughter continues ]

I missed that, but let's save
all our questions

till the end of the speeches,
please.

Will. Hey. Psst.
It is my privilege...

...to bring here
our very special guest... Wait.

taker of tonsils,
fixer of boo-boos.

Please put your hands together
for Dr. Monica Dewan.

[ Applause ]

Angie. Check it.
Dewan: So, does your child have a cellphone?

Molly: This is our ticket
to take back the room.

But...
[ Scoffs ]

...being the Room Parent is
really important to Will.

I mean, he got
business cards made.

We told him
never to pass them out,

but still,
he's got 'em.

After I e-mail the sex tape
to the principal,

that dork is out of here.

Assuming the principal's not,
like, super into it.

He's worse
than Sloppy Poppy.

[ Laughter ]

...a personal parenting choice
around cellphones.

As a doctor, um,

it's not really
my field of expertise.

Hey.

Can I see your phone?

I want to re-watch
that part of the video

where Dewan
pulls out his antenna.

[ Laughter ]
So good.

And deleted.
[ Gasps ]

What?!
I was gonna watch that video multiple times.

You know what?

Will might be a dork,
all right,

but dorks are just people
who care a lot,

and Will cares
more than any of us.

I mean, h-h-he shows up
on Saturdays at school

to pick up trash
in the schoolyard.

He buys art supplies
with his own money.

And he rented
that dumb cellphone costume,

which he is never going to
get his deposit back on,

because our children
matter to him.

Dewan: ...in closing,
please respect my office hours.

They're there
for a reason.

Angie, hot water and lemon
would be wonderful. Thank you.

We all saw you and Dewan
in the sauna.

Douglas has cameras
everywhere.

What?!

Um, when you say "saw us,"
do you mean...

Yes. Yes.

This is so humiliating.

Nobody touch me.
Just clear a path.

Wait, Monica.
We need signatures.

I'm going home.

I'll meet you later
if you bring that phone costume.

[ Door closes ]

Screens are known
to impair sleep,

and sleep disturbances can cause
other health problems,

like stunted growth.

And...that should be
keeping you up at night.

I'm Angie D'Amato,

and I'm going to
wait till eighth!

**

You memorized
your index card.

Yeah, well...

it was a really long line
to the bathroom.

Angie.
Are you the worst?

Yeah! Yeah!
I think I am!

And you know what?
Maybe we all are.

Maybe we're the losers,

but I'd rather be one of us
than one of you!

[ Gasping ]

Except for you, Mark.
You're the best.

Will:
Glad you're here, Mark.

You're just such a nice guy.
Such a nice guy.

He's the best.
Love Mark. Love Mark.

You're the man, Mark.

It's true.
Mark's a great man.

He's the homey
right there.

I am so sick of everyone
siding with Mark.

He's a thief.

[ Gasping ]

All right.
No, Douglas, he isn't.

Mark didn't steal
your pen.

Yes, I did.

[ Gasping ]
Ha!

How?
I thought I stole it.

What?

You did, and then...

[ Slurps ]

Mmm.

Wow.

Nice hands.

My grandma used to call
brothers like you

"easy on the eyes."

I knew it!
Vindication.

I was just trying
to even the score.

You worked me so hard --
nights, weekends.

No matter how many
atypical moles I found,

it was never enough.

And that gives you
the right

to steal another man's
Reagan pen?

It filled the void!

And yes, I admit,

it made me feel important
because...

it made me feel like you.

-Aww.
-Is that so bad?

[ Crowd "Aww"ing ]

No. No, it's not bad
at all.

Thank you for telling
the truth, Mark.

That's real, bro.

I'm human.

Who cares about Mark
and the stupid pen?!

The real thief here
is Will.

What?
Molly was next in line for Room Parent.

Well, it looks like you waited
in the wrong line, bitch!

[ Gasping ]

D'Amato mic drop!

Oh, that's a rental.
Oh! [ Feedback ]

Welcome home, Mr. President.

I'll love you
like Nancy never could.

Hm.
That's a good pen.

I could see wanting
to steal that thing.

All right, I know I've given up
the moral high ground.

I'm never gonna live that down,
am I, Douglas?

Correct.
But if I'm gonna be honest,

I kind of respect you more.

I mean, you lied to me
for a year. That takes sand.

Well, Cellphone Guy,
saddle up next to Sloppy Poppy.

Will: It's not the worst
nickname I've ever had.

I used to be
the Fur Coat Kid,

'cause I had this parka
with, like, a fur hoo--

Oh,
and Turkey Hands Will,

just 'cause my hands
always smelled like turkey.

And Snack Boy. My mom
always packed so many snacks.

Mine was "Elvis,"
'cause of my haircut...

and all my sequined
jump suits.

I was in a real weird phase
for a while.

Wow.

Douglas: Everyone always
called me Donna

because I looked exactly like
my sister, Donna.

May she rest in peace.

Well, look at you now.

Still the losers.

Maybe. But I'm proud to be
a part of this group.

And now, if you would,
drum roll.

Hey.

How many signatures
did we collect?

"Herbie Hind."
[her behind]

[ Laughter ]

Very funny.

Ha!

Herbie Hind.
So clever.

Miggy. Thank you,
but you don't technically count.

"I Saw Your Weiner."
That's not even a name.

I did that!

Thank you.

No cellphones
till eighth grade!

Also, we're never doing
the social night again.

-Absolutely not.
-This was truly awful.

-Never again.
-Horrible!

I love you guys.

[ Sighing ] Oh, gosh.

And you ruined it.
What?

How did I ruin it? I just was
expressing my affection.

I love you, Will.

Thank you, Miggy.
I love you as well.

Everybody get out
of my house.

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