All language subtitles for Silicon Valley s02e04 The Lady.eng

Thanks for coming in
and sitting down with us.

We're really excited to
meet a few good engineers

to join the Pied Piper Team.

So why don't you tell us
a little about yourself?

I don't work before noon.

Or after 2:00 PM.

And I need to bring my dog to work.

Are you... are you dog-friendly?

Oh, yeah, you can bring your dog to work.

That's not what I asked.

Are you dog-friendly?

Um...

Nice pool. Can my dog go in?

Yeah, yeah, we're very dog-friendly.

Is there a lifeguard?

- Um...
- 'Cause my dog can't swim.

It says here on your resume
that from 2010 to 2011

you "crushed it"?

That's actually an old
resume. It should also read

that I crushed it from 2013 to present.

So are we to understand that
you did not "crush it" in 2012?

There was a medical situation

preventing me from crushing
it to my usual standards.

So I had to take some time off
until I was able to crush it at 100%,

at which point I resumed
crushing it full-time.

So it says here that
you're proficient in C++,

code assembly for multiple
processor architectures,

and that you are a cyborg?

That is correct... short
for cybernetic organism.

I came into this world of filth and
pain with a congenital heart condition,

requiring the installation of a pacemaker,

upon which I am mortally dependent.

Mmm.

Wow, he's technically a cyborg.

Yeah, yeah. Makes the resume accurate.

Look, we all know that I can
make a shitload more money

working for some multi-colored Happy
Town in a hermetically-sealed box.

But permission to be honest?

Permission granted.

Granted.

I like that you guys are so weird.

Mmm.

Yes, we are the weird ones.

(theme music playing)

This morning, you put your
soda cans in the green one.

Okay? That's not right.

The green is for grass and leaves.

Okay?

The blue one is for recycling.

Go ahead and put those in there.

Yeah.

Very good. The black one
is for all other trash.

Do you understand?

Yes. Which is for burning?

No, we don't burn trash in this country.

It's illegal. You never burn trash.

Okay, can you say that?
"I never burn trash."

I never burn trash.

Yes. What about garbage?

Motherfucker.

Jared Patakian?

You know, this Patakian guy

is definitely on some end of some spectrum,

but he is a full-stack engineer.

I mean, I'm sold. Jared, what do you think?

Well, he's qualified and he
definitely seemed interested.

It's a programmer's market right now.

I think if we like him, we
should pursue him aggressively.

My only concern here, and it's a small one,

um, he's also named Jared. Will
it be confusing with two Jareds?

If we hire him, I can always go
back to my real name... Donald.

No, that's too big a hassle.
We'll just go with "other Jared."

OJ, for short.

I know a name is just a sound
somebody makes when they need you,

but shouldn't this much-newer
Jared be "other Jared"?

You should be flattered. OJ Simpson
is one of the most recognizable people

on the face of the planet.

Was that Jared Patakian
I saw exiting the house?

Yes, we just interviewed
him. We think he's great.

He actually is great. I
tried to hire him for Aviato.

But then he took the offer,
shopped it around town,

and got more dough at a different gig.

I didn't care for the
way that he handled it.

So I am going to have to err on the
side of caution and say "Pass-adena,"

Trina.

Well, I'm sorry that that happened to you,

but you don't get to Pass-adena on anyone.

We've got to hire a lot of people,

and he was the only one
that we all agree on.

But this is my house. I'm
on the board of this company.

I mean, I must get dings, right?

- Dings?
- Like in a jury or "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

Erlich, thank you for
letting us stay in your house

while we figure out what
we need office-wise. Really.

But I'm sorry. You don't get a say in this.

We're going to hire the android.

He's a cyborg, Richard.

The son of a bitch is a goddamned cyborg.

Ladies and gentlemen of the
press, distinguished guests,

question... What is a moonshot?

A moonshot is an idea so big, so bold,

as to be impossible until it is not.

- Magellan circumnavigating...
- There you are.

Sorry, I got lost. But I think
I'm supposed to be here...

- Shh! Come on.
- Not so long ago,

people called the idea of sending
a man to the moon a moonshot.

But we did it, and that
is just the beginning.

No idea will be too big
for our newest division,

"Hooli [xyz]."

How long do I have to stay here?

- 'Cause lunch...
- And today,

I'm pleased to announce that after
some negotiations and arm-twisting,

the brilliant Professor Davis Bannerchek,

a pioneer in robotics and
founder of Somerville Dynamics,

has agreed to head up this new division.

I give you Dr. Bannerchek,
the one and only man

fit to be the first head
dreamer of Hooli [xyz].

Also I give you the one and only
man fit to be his co-head dreamer,

our very own Nelson Bighetti,

otherwise known around here as
"Baghead." Come on up here, Baghead.

What?

He also co-founded Pied
Piper right here at Hooli.

I'm not sure I understand.

You are being promoted.

Being named "co-head dreamer" carries
with it a significant pay increase.

Greater equity, more
favorable vesting schedule.

See, but I really liked the job I had.

You know, I was perfectly happy there.

It was kind of the... the perfect level

of involvement for me, I think.

And also that other guy, Bannerchek?

He... he did not really
seem to like me very much.

Oh, he does not. And he wanted you to know

that he moved four school-aged children

and his elderly mother across the country

in order to run Hooli [xyz] on his own.

He was very clear about that.

And he wanted me to convey that to you.

Have I done that?

Yeah. So what is my job exactly?

Oh, that's actually... that's up to you.

You can do whatever you want.

Okay. See, that's sort
of what I do now, though.

But starting today, you can do it

in a much more significant way.

Enjoy your new office.

Wait, this is my office?

Sorry to interrupt.
The photographer's here.

- The photographer?
- From "Wired" magazine,

for the profile they're doing on you.

- Sorry, who are you?
- Your assistant.

What?

Okay, Richard, last interview of the day.

Uh, Dinesh, Gilfoyle, this is someone
you guys recommended I contact,

Carla Walton? Yeah, we
hung out with her a bunch

- at the last S.F. vid/tech meet-up.
- Her code is fucking great.

She was head of engineering at Earcast?

She was engineering at Earcast. She
pulled that whole system on her own.

You know what else excites me here?

There's a distinct over-representation
of men in this company.

Look around. I think it would behoove us

to prioritize hiring a woman.

I disagree, OJ. We should hire the
best person for the job, period.

- And Carla is one of the best.
- Right, let me rephrase.

I think having a woman in
the company is important,

but hiring someone only
because they're a woman is bad.

I would never compromise Pied Piper.

Okay, just to be clear, our top priority

is to hire the most qualified
person available, right?

- Of course.
- But it would be better

if that someone was a woman

even though the "woman" part
of that statement is irrelevant?

Exactly. It's like we're the
Beatles and now we just need Yoko.

That's the worst example
you could have used.

I'm using VP9 ABR to
reduce bits and using WebRTC

to carry the bulk of the load via p2p.

So basically I pay for one
tiny-ass outgoing stream

and the user's ISP picks up the whole tab.

The users pay for all
that bandwidth, not you?

Wow, that could save us a ton of money.

Yeah, a shit ton.

And do you think you could
integrate it into our platform

by January in time for CES?

Look, I'm not going to get in your way.

You know, you design the
engine. I just assemble the car.

I could have an alpha of that
up in a solid weekend of hacking.

Wow. Cool.

Plus I could count on one hand
the number of people on earth

who could handle sitting in a room
with Dinesh and Gilfoyle all day.

- So...
- All of that.

- Plus you're a woman.
- What?

No, I just mean we would absolutely
love to have a strong woman working here.

I'm not a woman engineer. I'm an engineer.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay, no, no, no.

No, yes, of course. We
want to hire the best people

who happen to be women,

regardless of whether or not they
are women. That part is irrelevant.

Are you doing that interviewing thing

where you try to rattle somebody
to see if they freak out or not?

Uh, sadly no. This is... that's just Jared.

I wouldn't know how to do that.

Well, I am aggressively
unemployed right now.

So why don't you give me a call
when you know what you want to do?

- Great, great.
- All right.

All right, I'll show you out.

Yeah, lucky me.

I love "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo."

So?

So she's actually a bad-ass.

- Yeah, we told you, right?
- We have to hire that person.

Are you shitting me?

You see this, Richard? What is this?

A spoon?

It's a wide spoon. In
fact, the only spoon type

that is left in this drawer.

I specifically posted a
note on the refrigerator

saying that the more narrow spoons

be reserved for the eating
for Fage yogurt by me.

Look at this... the angle's all wrong.

Aren't you supposed to just tip
that little plastic cup part up

and dump the jam into the yogurt?

How would you know that? Have
you been eating my Fage yogurts?

No, I saw it on the billboards.

Well, what they don't
tell you on the billboards

is that you can't get all
of it out... look at that!

You have to dig it out.
But you can't dig it out

with these big-as-hell,
wide fucking spoons.

This isn't about the spoons, is it, Erlich?

This is about Jared Patakian.

This is about me not letting you
tell me who I can or can't hire.

Or maybe it's about the
fact that you're the one

- who's been using my narrow spoons?
- Okay.

You and I both have to get
ready for a board meeting.

Can we just stop with the nonsense?

- Nonsense? This is nonsense?
- Yeah, yeah.

You know, half the yogurt's gonna go unused

because one quarter of
the jam can't come out.

Thank you for hosting.
You have a lovely home.

Yeah, I do. I like this painting.

- Is it sperm?
- No, three commas.

Know what has three commas in it, Richard?

Uh, a sentence with two
appositive phrases in it?

No, a billion dollars.

Yeah, I'm in the three-comma club.

You know, you play your cards right, you
could be in the three-comma club, too.

But probably not. But you
could be. Probably not.

There she is. Say hello to
tonight's fifth board member,

- my girlfriend Nastia.
- Charmed.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Hello.
- Huh.

You are Jew.

- Episcopalian, actually.
- Jew... good at business.

Ha. My baby's got some ideas about Jews,

some good, some bad.

- Mm-hmm.
- Dad?

Oh, hey there, buddy.

- Hello.
- Who's this? Another board member?

(beeping) Computer voice:
Aspen, it's time for bed.

I don't want to go to bed.

I'm sorry, buddy. It's not up to me.

Computer voice: I need
you to cooperate, Aspen.

10, nine, eight,

- seven, six, five...
- Fine.

- Four, three... good boy. Aspen
- What the hell is that?

Company I'm funding. We call it the Lady.

I press a button, and the lady
tells Aspen when it's time for bed,

time to take a bath, when his
fucking mother's here to pick him up.

I get to be his friend
and she's the bad guy.

Undisrupted fatherhood.
It's visionary technology.

Okay, come on. Board meeting, bitches.

(beeping) Aspen, remember
to take your medication.

Hey. Just remember, Russ
only has two board seats,

so as long as we vote together,
we can carry every vote.

Yeah, I'm familiar with the
rules of a board meeting.

Okay, so 409A valuation report

and new ESOPs. Is there
a motion to approve?

Great, it's unanimous. Approved.

Now we need to clear the equity packages

we're offering to a
couple prospective hires,

- Carla Walton and Jared Patakian.
- (grunts)

Fucking cyborg.

Oh, um, Patakian is
actually a solid engineer.

We'd be foolish not to hire him.

He's really good. So all in favor?

Sounds like a good pick-up.

Monica: Okay, board of one approved.

All right, uh, is there
anything else we need to cover?

Yeah, I think we need to talk about

getting some shwaaaag.

What?

- Shwaaag!
- "Sha-wagga"?

Shwag!

What is it?

- Swag.
- Swag?

Swag! What is it?

- Swag.
- I actually don't know...

I think we need to build on the
success of our outdoor media campaign.

I'm talking Pied Piper
mouse pads, puzzle cubes,

fuckin' antenna balls. Come
on, I'm talking 30 grand.

That's like a hand of
blackjack. All in favor?

I mean, first billboards, now this?

I mean, as it is, we're barely
going to make it to January.

Sorry.

What?

I think it's a really solid idea.

I think we'd be foolish not to do it.

Cool. So three-to-two in favor... swag!

Set you guys up with my marketing
company. We'll give you a killer rate.

Question... who likes margaritas?

Answer... everybody!

Babe, go out back, grab some
limes from the tree, all right?

Who likes swag? This guy, this guy.

What the fuck are you doing?

You just cost us $30,000.

I thought we agreed to
present a unified front here.

Well, if Richard wants a unified front,

then maybe Richard should do
a better job at unifying it.

Why are you such a dick?

Why are you unable to listen to people
who know what they're talking about?

Speaking of Mexico, I'm
supposed to go to Cabo tomorrow,

but I got roped into
buying these two tickets

to the Muir Woods preservation
thing tomorrow night.

Sean Parker's charity? That's a big event.

Gonna be a lot of members of the
three-comma club there. Am I right?

Total asshole parade. Anyone
want these stupid things?

Yeah, I'm down.

Uh, and Richard, no, you can't come.

- But Monica...
- No.

- Okay.
- Babe, I said limes... limes.

She's honestly so fucking stupid.

(both chuckling)

She doesn't even know
what I'm saying right now.

And until we get real office space,

I guess we could just put you right here.

And we could put Patakian here.

I hope you don't mind
sitting next to a cyborg.

Does he fart a lot and smell like onions?

Well, he is a coder.

Well, I'd say I'm not getting
paid enough to deal with this crap,

but I so am, so...

You know, if it's cool, I'm going to get
some stuff out of my car to dump here.

I know I don't start till Monday,
but I want to get it cleaned out

- before I trade it in.
- You're getting a new car?

Yeah, yeah. Mercedes hybrid.

- It's pretty dope.
- That sounds expensive.

- Guys?
- It is.

Uh, Richard has something
very important to tell you.

Yes. Ahem, so, Jared has informed me

that as CEO, I need to be able to
answer any questions that you might have

about Pied Piper's harassment
policy and workplace code of conduct.

Apparently, every company our
size has to have one of those.

Essentially, if you find the
workplace hostile in any way,

you can submit a written complaint.
It will be completely anonymous.

Essentially, don't do or say
anything that might offend anyone.

Okay? Thank you. That's the policy.

- Okay.
- Guys, um...

This is actually pretty serious.

I mean, we're all cool
here, but we know each other.

So obviously, when Dinesh
calls me retarded Frankenstein,

or he describes me as AIDS lady,

or Gilfoyle refers to me
as effeminate K.D. Lang,

I know this is a joke among friends.

- It's not a joke.
- We're not friends.

(laughing) See, it's hilarious.

But, um, as we grow,

we're going to be adding a lot
of new people to this company,

and to this office, and some of
them might not be as amused as I am

by such strong language. Lawsuits happen.

So, questions?

- Oh, uh, I have a question.
- Mm-hmm.

My best friend's nickname is Cunty.

- I'm sorry, her name is...
- Cunty.

And I was hoping I could
call her Cunty while I'm here.

Okay, that one's easy. No, you cannot.

'Cause, you know, I want to have
Cunty come visit me for lunch,

and if I can't call Cunty "Cunty,"

then it's like, I'm not going to
want to have Cunty over at all,

which I feel like kind
of violates my rights...

Yeah, um, it does not...

as a woman.

Okay, I'm going to have to
get back to you on that one.

Her best friend's nickname is Cunty.

- Let's maybe get back to the kitchen.
- Okay.

Okay, okay.

All right, I got to clean out my shit box.

Nice bag.

Thank you.

Oh, look, "D&G." It's
like Dinesh and Gilfoyle.

Okay, that was the third reference she's
made to how much money she's making.

Hmm.

That's a $3500 bag.

How do you know? You have the same one?

No, I have the fucking Internet.

You don't think she's making
more money than us, do you?

No, we all have equalized pay, remember?

Yeah, me and you and Richard and Jared do,

but not new hires. It's the classic
dilemma where the founders make less.

We told Richard to get
her no matter what it took.

Even if she is making more
cash than us, which she isn't,

there's no way she has as much equity.

You don't know that. And Richard
won't tell us. It's confidential.

I guess there's a reason for it.

It's so people don't get
jealous and throw a hissy fit.

I'm not jealous. I just want to
make sure she's making less than me.

Hey, how do we find out how
much she's getting paid here?

I have a plan.

Hey, Carla, how much
money do you make here?

Uh, let's just say it's a
big jump from my old job.

Right, but you probably
got more equity there.

Um, no, actually I get more equity here.

- What?
- Yeah. Why, what are you guys getting?

- Three points each.
- Three? That's weird.

I thought you got in at the beginning.

I have another plan.

Erlich: All right, Jian-Yang,
don't talk to anybody else.

When we get inside, don't talk to me.

- Good evening.
- Here's the...

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

And how will you be paying, sir?

- Excuse me?
- Your donation.

What's your preferred method of payment?

Oh, no, these are already paid
for. We're guests of Russ Hanneman.

Yes, he reserved the tickets,
but you have to pay for them.

Oh, okay. And how much are they?

- $25,000.
- Um, so... but for both?

No, no, no, per ticket.

Uh, there's no possible
way that we could pay that,

so what do we do here?

Well, there are a number of other
ways to help preserve the Muir Woods.

We do a volunteer clean-up
program every weekend.

Yeah, I don't give a shit about the
Muir Woods. I need to get in there.

Sir, if you can't pay for the tickets,
I really don't see how that's possible.

What if we do like a
little in-and-out thing?

I just go in there, 10 minutes, you
know, have one cocktail, two, three max.

He doesn't eat. He won't
eat. Yes, I'm hungry.

Gentlemen, I'm going to need you
to move aside for the other guests.

You want me to email
Russ Hanneman right now?

You don't have Russ's email.

But I have his... I
have the phone number of

the person who works in his office.

Does anybody have an extra
ticket? My investor cannot pay.

That's actually not true.

Uh, I think they must
have misplaced the tickets.

No, we have everyone's tickets here.

Can you please check? Erlich Bachman?

E-R-I-C-H...

- That's not at all how it's spelled here.
- Let's go, Jian.

Have a nice night. Thank you. Next.

- Excuse me, do you have a ticket?
- God damn it!

- Jian-Yang, come here!
- Do you have a ticket?

Hey, Jian-Yang, how... how was last night?

It was sad.

Erlich, he promised me
dinner with a big meat.

Big meat?

- Big meet people.
- Meet people?

Then people say, "No, you can't come in."

Wait, so you guys didn't get in?

We went to Taco Bell.

Erlich, he started crying in Taco Bell.

He tried to blame the taco sauce.

- Richard?
- Yes.

- OJ says you wanted to see me?
- Yeah.

Um, I don't want to say this

any of this, at all,

but several employees have
lodged a complaint against you.

- For what?
- Um...

for making this a hostile workplace.

By, quote, "repeatedly
rubbing our fucking faces

in the fact that Richard
Hendricks is a pussy

who gave a new hire more than us."

Mm-hmm. Interesting.

And which two of the
several lodged a complaint?

Actually, our policy guarantees anonymity,

so I can't tell you that.

Look, you and I both
know how much you make.

- Are you fucking with them?
- Yeah, of course I'm fucking with them.

I bought a fake Dolce & Gabbana
bag at a swap meet to piss them off

and apparently it did.

And I lied and said I
was getting a Mercedes.

Oh, I also left a fake credit-card
statement open on my screen,

- 'cause I thought they'd see it. Did they see it?
- They saw it.

- Yeah, sweet.
- Carla.

Okay, all right, but what I
used to do to fuck with them

involved gay porn and Photoshop,

so I don't think that would be cool
after OJ's big harassment speech.

Huh. So in effect, the policy worked.

Well, I... can we not do any of it?

It just that they're getting really
pissed and it's really distracting.

All right.

- No more Cunty.
- Terrific.

- That's really good.
- Cunty's done.

Great. But you said it again,
but maybe that's the last time.

Cunty's done. I'm gonna
call you OJ, though.

- Yeah, that's fine.
- That's for good.

Yeah, because in my
head, I change the meaning

from "Other Jared" to "Original
Jared," so now it's a compliment.

If I have to, I'm going to
keep my fucking "Star Blazer"

VHS tapes in my room!

It doesn't take an IQ of nine to
know they should remain alphabetized.

I want to watch a specific episode.

And it's not like they're on fucking DVD!

Hey, um, Erlich,

I just want to say this is your house

and you've been really cool letting
us stay here for all this time,

and as soon as we get our office
space, we'll be out of your way.

And how soon is that going to be?

Soon.

And look, I realize it's not fair
that I bring someone into your house

that you don't want here,
so I will call the cyborg

and I will rescind the offer.

No, Richard, I've been thinking,
the cyborg is a solid coder.

You should hire him. It's
fine, I'll get someone else.

Don't be stupid, Richard. You
need a full working beta up

in the next few months. Just hire the guy.

I'm not being stupid, okay?
I'm not going to hire him.

And frankly, I'm not going to
let you bully me into doing it.

Would you look at yourself? You're
still not fucking listening to me.

I'm trying to respect you, asshole.

If you want to respect me, then
just hire the piece of shit.

Don't act like a moron. You're
not going to kick Nucleus' ass

acting like a fucking moron.

You don't get to tell me
how I respect you, okay?

I can respect you however the fuck I want.

What are you doing?

I'm respecting you.

Jared, hey, it's Richard
Hendricks from Pied Piper.

Yeah, uh, bad news.

We're not gonna...

What?

What's that?

Where?

Okay, well, cyborg,

fuck you, you fuckin'...

- Metal-dick piece of shit.
- Metal-dick piece of shit.

(laughing) What happened?

He, uh, he took another job

from Russ fucking Hanneman.

- What?
- Yeah.

Apparently, I said so much nice
shit about him in the board meeting,

Russ offered him a job at one
of his other fucking companies

for a lot more money. Our
own investor poached him.

And he went?

Fucking cyborg.

Dinesh: Richard! You need to come see this.

What event could this possibly be used at?

Are you happy?

Not really.

They used the old logo.

Do you smell something burning?

God damn it! Jian-Yang!

Background vocals:
All eyes on me

Background vocals:
Eyes
on me, all eyes on me.

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