All language subtitles for Silicon Valley s01e08 Optimal Tip-to-Tip Efficiency.eng

[indistinct yelling]

I'll rip your dick off, you son of a bitch!

My eye!

On behalf of the entire Disrupt conference,

I would like to apologize for what
happened out there this afternoon.

This man will never be
asked to judge again.

I've just learned he's been fired from
Oracle, and apparently his wife left him.

Anyway, I just got a call from
your attorney, Mr. LaFlamme,

informing me that in his view
this incident is... actionable.

And in addition to holding
TechCrunch liable for any damages,

which may include the loss to Pied Piper

of potentially billions in
revenue and share value,

uh, he be may naming me
personally in a lawsuit.

So... I would like to propose that
we put this incident behind us,

legally speaking, by sending Pied
Piper directly through to the finals

of Start-Up Battlefield, where you
will compete for the grand prize.

- How does that sound?
- I think that's...

One question, uh, regarding
our hotel accommodations?

Bam! Am I right, guys?

[chuckles] I was just happy you
got punched in the face, Erlich,

but now I'm super happy.
I feel like I won twice.

I'm gonna disrupt this bathroom.

I don't think this couch pulls out. I
guess I'll get myself a roll-away bed.

I mean, you're welcome, guys. I had
to fuck a wife and take a punch,

but now we get to go
into the finals tomorrow

without having blown
our wad in the prelims.

We're trending up, boys.
We are trending up.

Maybe you're right. But we should probably

get back down there and
check out the competition.

[man on PA] Ladies and
gentlemen, Gavin Belson.

[applause]

No matter what you may
have heard, size matters.

Welcome, everyone, to a
journey into the Nucleus.

I hope this sucks.

Nucleus will provide the
most diverse features

ever assembled in a
cloud-based compression suite.

Massive functionality, inter-connectivity,

and the simplicity one has come
to expect from the Hooli family.

We're making all your files available
for lightning-fast download.

Accessible from any device.

All these features will be
seamlessly synced to Hooli-mail,

Hooli-search and the full
suite of Hooli computing power.

That's a lot of functionality.

Don't worry, he can't come
close to our Weissman score.

Even with all this extra shit, it's
like a fancy car with a crappy engine.

[Gavin] And now, for the moment of truth.

As you will now see, our Weissman score
is the best in the history of compression.

- [crowd gasping]
- What the fuck?

That's exactly the same score as us.

Two-point-eight-nine. That is not an error.

We are breathing rare air here, operating
at the limit for lossless compression

in audio, video and data.

Anyone who tells you that their platform is
faster than ours better have good lawyers.

I hope you've enjoyed your
journey into the Nucleus.

We have the speed. We have the
features. And we have... Shakira!

[
Shakira: "Hips Don't Lie"]

- [crowd applause and cheering]
- [Shakira] Hola, TechCrunch!

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I mean, they just completely reverse-
engineered our entire compression engine.

He totally sniped us.

- We'll be fine.
- What?

They judge this contest on
viability in the marketplace.

I mean, at best, we're a
worse version of Nucleus.

I mean, they have 50 modules,
and they're all awesome.

We have five that barely work.

I mean, we're still have trouble compressing
3D files. Who's lining up to buy that?

Who the fuck cares?

So the platform can't handle 3D files.
You know what, 3D movies suck anyway.

I could actually argue this
Gavin nonsense is a positive.

Please don't.

We just need to really dial it up for the big show tomorrow.

Dial what up? He just ruined us.

And until then, we need to do what any
animal in nature does when it's cornered,

act erratically, and blindly
lash out at everything around us.

I'm gonna go get in Gavin's head.

Hey, guys, I just had a thought.
OK, so this is it, right?

A lot of successful start-ups launched
with a different business model,

and when they ran into trouble,
they pivoted to something new.

Like Instagram. That was a location-based
check-in service when it started.

And then they pivoted.

Or Chat Roulette, OK,
that was social media,

and then they pivoted to become a
playground for the sexually monstrous.

We just need a new idea, something that
people want. Right? We can pivot, too.

- Dude, you are fucked up right now.
- Yeah, you're pinning bad.

Well, I'll admit, I'm sleep-challenged.

I just spent four days trapped
in a steel box out on an oil rig

full of robot-forklifts.

So, that was hard, but I'm back.

I am recovering and I am focused and
we're gonna pivot. Don't lose faith, guys.

All right, look at me.
Look at me. Look at me.

We've got a great name.
We've got a great team.

We've got a great logo,
and we've got a great name.

Now we just need an idea.

Let's pivot! Let's pivot!

That might be the last
time we see him alive.

I think I'm just gonna take a walk
and, you know, try and clear my head.

I'll see you guys back at the hotel
room and we'll figure out what to do.

We're going to be poor.

Hi! I'd like to talk to you about
a company called Pied Piper.

What does it do? Good question.

Maybe you can help us find an answer.

What if Pied Piper was an app
that could attract rodents?

You know, like the fairy tale?

For purposes of extermination
or to feed your pet snake.

We're not here to tell you
what to do with your rats,

we're here to get your rats, STAT.

Would you be very interested,
somewhat interested or not interested?

Which one? Which one? Which one?

Look at them, all full of hope. Pricks.

Oh, look, Kwerpy's here recruiting.

They just got 20 million in Series A
at a $280 million dollar valuation.

- Wow.
- That could have been us.

It's too bad we already have jobs,
we could easily go work there.

Yeah. It'd be a real dickhead move
to bail on Richard now, right?

I mean, before we officially go under.

- Yeah. Yeah. Total dickhead move.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Even though... it is just a matter of days.

- And we are so close.
- I mean, he is standing right there.

- But I'm not a dickhead.
- No. Neither am I.

Yep, just a couple of non-dickheads.

My dick and my head, totally separate.

You've heard the phrase, "Time
to pay the piper," right?

What if there was an app called
Pied Piper that could tell you,

to a statistical degree of certainty,
whether you were going to heaven or hell?

Very interested, somewhat
interested, not interested?

Which one? Which one? Which one?

So you made some really
over-the-top promises about Nucleus.

- Can you deliver?
- Absolutely.

For me, Kara, goodness, greatness,
these are not simply catch phrases,

but, in fact, really the intention
of Hooli from the beginning.

Gavin, you do not need to dignify
any of this with a response!

I can speak for myself.
Erlich Bachman, Pied Piper.

Was I brutally assaulted? Yes.

Did Gavin Belson here have
anything to do with it? Unclear.

All I know is that the rumor that
TechCrunch is all abuzz about is unproven.

- Wait, what rumor?
- Thank you.

Why would Gavin have
anything to do with this?

Unless he had some reason to be frightened
by Pied Piper and it's superior technology?

This and all other Gavin Belson
rumors are unsubstantiated.

OK, the alcoholism, the
sexual impropriety at work,

the impending crash of Hooli's stock...

This is the most ridiculous...

Exactly. So why repeat
the lascivious details,

with which all of us are
undoubtedly already familiar?

Guilty or not, Gavin, I stand with you.

Care to comment?

Let's keep moving, shall we?

Yes, let's all keep moving.
Let's move on from this.

I forgive you, Gavin. No matter
how brutally I was assaulted.

Wow, Pied Piper sounds
like a great place to work.

Oh, yeah, it is.

Pied Piper is the best, right?

Oh, my God, everyday feels like
I've died and gone to hell.

I'm sorry.

- He's a Satanist, so it's good.
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, fun.
- The point is, we love our company,

and I don't have a problem
saying that out loud.

- You...
- Love it.

We both say it out loud
and I think that fact,

proves that we're not dickheads.

So what we wanted to ask you was...

Guys?

Totally between us, our beta crapped out.

The VC's did a full clawback
and our Series A is DOA.

We're going down. We have enough
runway for maybe two, three weeks max.

So... do you guys think you could hire me?

How much would it be worth to you if I
told you I had a GPS app called Pied Piper,

tracking the location of your child?

I can follow your child anywhere,

and there is nothing you can do to stop me.

Most missing children are never found.

Interested, very interested,
or very interested?

Richard. Hi...

- Hey... suitcase. Yeah.
- Yeah.

So you're...

Peter called. He saw Erlich's
presentation, such as it was.

And Gavin's.

So he wants me to go back to Palo Alto.

There's just a few other
things he wants me working on.

Now that we're, you
know, dead in the water.

Listen, I'm sorry you walked
away from the money like you did.

But I swear I only wanted Peter to seed you

because I thought you had a really great company.

It just didn't work out for you this time.

Uh... can I be honest with you?

I haven't had more than two
straight hours of sleep in months.

I've had a cold for, like, a year.

My stomach cramps up so much
I feel like I'm menstruating.

Maybe this is for the better.

Look, I gotta go.

I'm really sorry that we're not
gonna be working together anymore.

Yeah, me too.

I guess... I guess we
won't see each other again.

Well, I mean, now that the rules
about socializing with co-workers

aren't in effect anymore. Let me know
if you want to grab a drink sometime.

What, like a "drink" drink?

You go on dates with
failures? [awkward chuckle]

- Constantly.
- OK.

- Uh... bye. OK.
- Bye. [chuckles]

You have any weapons or drugs
on your person at this time?

Why, yes. Yes, I do.

Adderall. This is a highly controlled
substance. Are these yours?

No! Those belong to an underage
kid that I brought to my house.

Yeah, sir, I'm going to have
to ask you to come with me.

That's a kind invitation, but I
have too much to do. I'm pivoting!

- Let's go now!
- No. I'm pivoting! I'm pivoting!

I'm pivoting!

I mean, what do we even present tomorrow?

Honestly, anyone?

Why do we have to present at all?

What's that supposed to mean?

If we are going to fail and
be humiliated, why do it

on stage in front of 1,000 people
and a live-streamed audience?

Are you saying we shouldn't even show up?

No offense, but it's basically
going to be a public execution.

Yes, and public executions
are very popular.

It's show business. We
are not quitting, Richard.

Look, Erlich, I want to present,
I do, it's just... I don't know.

[door lock clicking]

Jesus, are you OK?

What? Yeah, I... OK.

Yeah, all good. They let me go.

- [Gilfoyle] Who let you go?
- When was the last time you slept, Jared?

Absolutely, David. What are
we talking about, gents?

We're talking about how I didn't
get to present in the prelims,

because I was too busy getting my face
pummeled

so that our team could move forward.

That's why we're presenting tomorrow.

And you know what? We're going to win.

Yeah, we're gonna win even if I have to go
into the auditorium and personally jerk off

every guy in the audience.

That's a lot of jerking.

And we only have ten
minutes to present. So...

So, we're fucked, aren't we?

Yeah, even if he's jerking two at a time,
there are, what, 800 guys in that room?

So that's 400 times whatever
the mean jerk-time is.

- The what?
- Mean jerk-time.

I mean, it doesn't matter,
but, hypothetically,

time is equal to 400 total
jerks at a two-dick rate.

Unless Erlich jerks off four guys at a
time, and then we can cut that in half.

How would he do four guys...? He's got two
hands, so that's two dicks at a time, right?

Look, you have two guys on either
side with their dicks, tip to tip,

so you're going full-length. Four, see?

- Oh...
- From the middle out. That does make sense.

- Like two Shake Weights?
- Yeah, so what we're trying to do,

hypothetically, is minimize time, which is 800 dudes,

multiplied by mean-jerk time,
divided by four dicks at a time.

Of course, Erlich would have to

pre-sort
guys by height, so that their dicks lined up.

Not by height, technically.

The measurement that we're looking
for, really, is dick to floor.

Call that D2F.

- Huh.
- Oh, my God.

You know, if a guy's dick was long enough,

it would be able to reach up or down
to another guy with a different D2F.

The longer the dick, the
greater the D2F bridge,

but I would still be able to jerk
it off in one smooth motion...

I'd just have to jerk it on an angle.

[Gilfoyle] So D2F sub-1 needs to equal D2F
sub-2,

and D2F sub-3 needs to equal D2F sub-4,

where length L creates a
complimentary shaft angle.

I'm such an idiot. Middle out!

Middle out! Middle out! Oh, my God.

How could I...? Uh...

Guys, does girth-similarity
affect Erlich's ability

to jerk different dicks simultaneously?

Shit. Yeah, I think it would.

[rapid tapping on keyboard]

Of course, it does. Time to orgasm, or T2O,

has to be the same for
each matching pair of dicks

otherwise I'm wasting a lot of great
strokes on a guy that's already busted.

Unless you can hotswap dicks in and out.
So on a downstroke, you get a new one in.

So when you stroke up you're
not wasting any energy.

Even so. I think this is the
most reliable metric for stamina.

Guys? Richard's been locked in here for
almost two hours. Do we think he's OK?

[Erlich] Hmm. You don't think he'd...

He did seem pretty bummed out.

[house music blares]

- [music continues]
- [muffled chatter]

[door opens]

[sighs]

All right, guys, let's go.

The finals are starting.
[clears throat] Up!

Gilfoyle!

[Richard] Jesus!

What happened to the door?

Don't worry about it, Richard,
is the platform up and running?

I made a few changes, but yeah...

OK, tell me on the walk. All
right, you dildos, let's go!

All right, talk to me, Richard.
What were you working on last night?

Well, uh, I might've made a breakthrough.

[Erlich] Really, so everything is working?

- [Richard] Uh, technically, no.
- [snoring]

Let's face it, ladies, is
there anything less sexy

than when a user's visualization
UX is completely sub-optimal?

I mean, it's the worst, right?

So we've gone through all the
research and all the steps.

We have a solution for these problems

and
Zenella is ready to bring it to the marketplace.

Yeah, I get it, Richard. You changed a lot.

Just give me the basics
and I can roll with it.

I need to know what I'm presenting here.

I don't think I have
time to explain it all.

What the hell does that mean?

Richard? Is this the right build?
I can't find the mobile suite here.

Uh, it is nowhere. I deleted it.

- [Dinesh] What?
- Here they are.

- Pied Piper's here.
- Sorry we're late.

Richard, talk to me.

I can't front a band without
knowing what we're playing?

Uh... I'm think I'm just going
to do the presentation myself.

Wait, what? No, no, no, Richard,
Richard, Richard, Richard.

Respectfully... Respectfully,
you're terrible.

You have world class showman
standing right in front of you

and you're going to pass on that?

Release me, Richard. Release the Kraken!

- Pied Piper. You're on.
- This is it!

[Dinesh] I don't know
what you did, Richard,

- but I hope it works.
- [Richard] Me, too.

All right, let's welcome
our final team to the finals

of this year's TechCrunch
Disrupt Start-Up Battlefield.

Presenting for Pied
Piper is Erlich Bachman.

[applause]

Uh... actually there has
been a change of plans.

Presenting for Pied Piper
will be Richard Hendricks.

[applause]

[Erlich] Richard?

Sorry. Got a little
light-headed there for a second.

I set 'em up for you, now knock 'em down.

[Gilfoyle] I don't understand. I
thought he made the platform better.

- He just deleted everything.
- [Dinesh] Maybe he moved it to the cloud?

No. All The Carver's work is gone.

Pied Piper is a cloud based compression.
Without the cloud, nothing's left.

Gentlemen, this is likely the last ten
minutes of Pied Piper, so let's enjoy it.

- [Dinesh] Has he lost his mind?
- [Gilfoyle] He's lost his fucking mind.

Hello... Hello. Hello.

Um... I am... My name is Richard Hendricks,

and I am, along with this guy, him, him...

and another guy that has disappeared...

Uh... um... We are Pied
Piper. A compression company.

Well, you know, in your
pamphlets it says that we are

a cloud based multi-platform solution
for user-focused compression.

And we were. Until yesterday.

But now we are not.

Uh, because you see, Hooli

did everything that we were
tying to do, better, way better.

Um...

Nucleus is built on the same engine
as ours, like exactly the same,

and their Weissman score
was 2.89, same as ours.

But the thing is, they built a ton of
really great stuff up on top of that.

And we can't compete, so now
we have to be something else.

Um... well-played, Hooli. [chuckles]

Uh, OK, so anyway, we all
know that the most obvious way

to compress files is with
Shannon coding, right? Top down.

Richard, they can't see
that, it's too small.

- OK.
- Literally, hundreds of people here.

Oh, no, but I need...

Shit, OK.

Um... right, oh.

Uh, so Shannon coding and
then David Huffman came along,

and he pioneered bottom up, and
Lempel-Ziv with left to right, obviously.

And for decades, we used
these codes to compress,

you know, JPEGs, MPEGs,
MP3s, zips, all that stuff.

But we all know that, so there's
no point in talking about it.

But what happened was, last night I was
watching my friends here have this argument.

About, you know, manipulating... data...

And, you know, how many datas

could one guy manipulate at once and, uh...

[chuckles]

And I was just... I was thinking.

Maybe it could be another way, you know?

Something that I would call, "middle out".

It's up and down, back and forth all
at the same time going on at once.

OK, well, anyway, I deleted
all our modules last night,

and I completely rebuilt our
engine, from scratch last night.

Um...

Now, this morning I really only
had enough time to do one test,

and when I did, we hit
a Weissman score of 3.8.

Now, I know the theoretical limit was 2.9,

- but as you can see here...
- I'm sorry. You scored a 3.8?

Uh... Yes, sir.

And this is a universal
lossless compression engine?

- Text? Audio? Video?
- Yes, that is correct.

Well, I'm sorry to interrupt your
eloquent presentation, Richard.

But, rather than say anything more,
why don't we just give you a file

and we'll see whether this thing
can do what you say it does.

Because if it can't, then
we're done here, right?

Yeah. Yeah, that's fair.

So we can give you any kind of
file and you can compress it,

without degradation, at
this standard? Three-eight?

Yes... yep.

All right, give us a minute, please.

- What do we got?
- [man] Does anyone have anything?

- Do you have something?
- I've got a file for him.

OK. Andy Stafford here has a file for you.

- OK.
- It's a 132 gigabytes un-compressed,

and it's a 3D video file.

OK.

Shit...

- [Erlich] A fucking 3D file?
- Yes.

- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Goddammit.

- [Erlich] Can we handle this?
- [Richard] I guess we'll find out.

[Erlich] Dammit, I hope this works.

Shit... it's hung.

Oh, no.

Is it stuck?

There is a time limit, you
have two minutes remaining.

Come on, come on, come on...

[computer beeps]

It looks like it's done.

[Gilfoyle] Wait, 24 gigs? What happened?

Oh... shit, there's no way.

It didn't compress the whole thing.
It should be twice that size.

I mean, 24 gigs, that's less
than a fourth the file size.

That seems dubious, Richard.

Why don't we run a Weissman test for
verification, see where we went wrong.

OK, I mean it shouldn't take too long,
it only compressed half the fucking file.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have
rewritten all this code.

I mean, what we had before worked.

I'm sorry, guys. Gavin won. We lost.

At least it didn't happen in a
public and brutally embarrassing way.

- Thanks, Gilfoyle.
- Yeah.

Wait a second. What's happening?

- There's no errors, look!
- [computer beeps]

[crowd murmuring]

- Five-point-two? How, how...?
- Wait, what?

[Gilfoyle] Wait, it
compressed the whole file?

That's the whole file.

It's just half the size
I thought it would be.

Ladies and gentlemen, obviously we're
going to keep looking at this to verify,

but with a confirmed score of 5.2,
Pied Piper appears to have just doubled

the best Weissman score
ever measured. Doubled it!

Pied Piper, ladies and gentlemen!

Let's hear it for them!

Holy shit!

Hey, I'm at TechCrunch.

This kid Hendricks and Pied
Piper just ran a two minute mile.

We should get on this, now.

Suck it, Gavin Belson!

Hendricks, you beautiful bastard!

I told you we'd do it! Come on! [laughing]

We're not going to be poor!

What happened? What
happened? What happened?

Uh, we just won the cup!

[screams]

And I don't think it comes as any shock
that the winner of this year's Disrupt Cup

and $50,000, like they're going
to need it, is Pied Piper.

So Richard wrote the code?

Richard wrote the code, yes,
but the inspiration was clear.

Let me ask you something.

How fast do you think you could
jack off every guy in this room?

'Cause I know how long it would take me.

And I can prove it.

- Nice.
- Thank you so much.

I don't fully understand it

but I would definitely like to invest.

- Oh, great.
- Really impressed.

I really want to get you
in front of my partners.

- Really soon.
- Oh wow. I appreciate that, guys.

Well, hopefully we'll
talk to each other soon.

- Thanks.
- Thanks.

- Hey!
- Monica!

Congratulations! You were amazing up there.

- Thank you.
- I just spoke with Peter.

He watched the live-stream via satellite
and said he was "not unpleased".

Oh, yeah, that's great.

So I guess we're back to
working together, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

It's gonna get pretty
insane for you, Richard.

- Yeah.
- You're going to have more

offers of funding than you're going to know

- what to do with.
- Yeah.

You're going to have to grow a business,
hire a staff,

rent offices, get an assistant.

Peter is going to be a lot more
hands on and a lot tougher on you.

People may take credit for
your idea and try and sue you.

- How awesome is that?
- Uh... yeah, that's awesome.

I mean, if you thought it was
crazy getting to this point,

- you're not going to believe what it turns into from here.

- Right.
- I mean pretty soon, you could be managing

thousands of employees who are all looking up to you.

Gavin Belson, he's not
going away anytime soon.

- Mmm.
- But it's going to be amazing.

Excuse me a second.

Oh, Jesus.

[
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