Original subtitles

[Gavin] The greatness of human accomplishment has always been measured by size.

The bigger, the better.

Until now.

Nanotech.

Smart cars.

Small is the new big.

In the coming months, Hooli will deliver Nucleus,

the most sophisticated compression software platform the world has ever seen.

Because if we can make your audio and video files smaller,

we can make cancer smaller. And hunger. And AIDS.

[Dinesh] What an asshole.

Why would he announce it so far ahead of the actual rollout?

No one does that.

He's got to be doing it just to fuck with us, right?

I actually think we're ok. The player I gave them

was from a retired repository that was audio only.

Video compression is a completely different paradigm.

What they have is like Pied Piper, but not as good.

- People will see that. - Not if they get to market before us.

Inferior products win out all the time.

Like Jesus over Satan.

I was going to say VHS over Beta.

Ok, well, actually this is a superior product, right here.

Is it a margarita machine?

It's better.

My first official purchase as CEO of Pied Piper.

That's not really our logo is it?

It looks like a guy sucking a dick

and he's got another dick tucked behind his ear for later.

- Like a snack dick. It does. - No, it's... it's Pied Pipe...

Here, put them on.

Gilfoyle, come on.

I don't want it.

Jared, I bought these t-shirts with my credit card

but I think I'm close to being maxed out, so...

Yeah, um, we may have a little problem there.

Peter Gregory's check. So?

So, it's made out to "Pied Piper Incorporated,"

I checked with the Secretary of State website,

and there's already a "Pied Piper" operating in California.

So we need to change our name.

- Thank God! - Praise the dark lord, that's great news.

No, it's not great news. We love the name Pied Piper.

It's a classic fairy tale.

Well, I looked it up.

It's about a predatory flautist

who murders children in a cave.

It has all of that going for it, Richard, and I still hate it.

Richard, if we are going to change the name, we need to do it now.

Names stick. My name's only Jared because Gavin called me that on my first day.

My real name is Donald.

But, Jared, we already bought the t-shirts.

I can't take these back. It was an online order.

What is that atrocity?

What are we, an Irish pornography company?

I thought we were gonna replace the name "Pied Piper."

I thought it was a Place Holder.

"PlaceHolder" would honestly be a better name than Pied Piper.

Richard, I've actually been holding off telling people I'm the co-founder

of "Pied Piper" because frankly,

it's a little embarrassing.

Well, um, just to remind you, you are not the co-founder.

So please don't tell anyone.

Richard, take Aviato. That's not a name I found, it's a name that found me

on a vision quest.

Something that you should do.

No, no. I'm not gonna eat a bunch of drugs

and sit out in the desert,

and hope some name randomly pops in my head.

Well, then I question your leadership.

Richard, a name defines a company.

It has to be something primal, something that you can scream out during intercourse.

Like Aviato.

[Moaning] Uuuuber!

[Moaning] Gooooogle!

[Moaning] Huuuuuulu!

Exactly, right. [Moaning] Pied Piper!

I'm so sorry. Your voice doesn't really reach that register when you ejaculate, does it?

No, it's just, everyone was doing it, I was just chiming in.

[Sighs]

[Techno music playing]

?Synced & Corrected by Seppuku17? ?www.addic7ed.com?

You guys, we can't change our name.

I can't go into Peter Gregory's office with a new name,

and ask him to cut me a new check.

I mean, he's pulled funding from companies for a lot less.

Uh, the Pied Piper name and trademark are registered to a sprinkler company in Gilroy.

I guess you could head out there and talk to them.

- But they may refuse... - Ok. No, no, no. I'll negotiate with them.

No offense, Richard, but you're not a strong negotiator.

- I'm a great negotiator, Dinesh. - You're a terrible negotiator.

I'm a decent negotiator.

Just, so...

Oh, Peter, you're here. Uh...

We were supposed to meet 40 minutes ago with the guys from Astraphile

about the emergency capital injection.

As we discussed, our North Carolina plant went sideways.

So we need 15 million now or we'll have to shut down.

Have any of you ever eaten at "Burger King"?

Yes... [Chuckles]

Why?

Well, I was just driven past one.

And while I know their market cap is seven billion dollars-plus,

I realize I am unfamiliar with their offerings.

Ok, fine.

But what does that have to do...

Is it popular among your peers?

Is it enjoyed?

- People seem to like it. - Yeah, it's ok.

And their selection consists solely of these burgers,

of which they are presumably king? [Chuckles]

They have other things. Chicken, fish.

I'm sorry. What are we doing here?

[Laughs nervously]

Here is what we will do.

Monica, have one of the assistants go to the nearest burger king location

and purchase one of everything.

[Jared] Hey, Dinesh. Dinesh.

I'm on the phone with the bank and they say they need an extra form for your payroll,

because of your visa?

Visa? What visa?

I'm a fucking us citizen.

I have Dinesh Chugtai here, and he's pretty irate because...

Oh, I see.

Bertram Gilfoyle is the foreign national

citizen of Canada.

Ok, thank you.

You're Canadian?

Your "borders" are merely a construct.

I prefer to think of myself as a citizen of the world.

Do you mind just sending them the form so they know you're here legally?

Yes, I mind.

And also I may not be.

To wit, maybe you could make out my checks to cash?

Or bitcoin.

I didn't know I was working with an illegal.

The irony.

Well, sometimes we do center pivot,

but mainly we do lineal like you see out there.

What is it your business does again?

Something to do with algebra?

Uh... algorithm, actually.

It's for compression.

Ultimately what we're trying to do is...

[Chuckles] You remind me of my son.

He's got asperger's too.

Oh, no, I don't uh...

Probably all those pesticides they put on the crops.

Well, whatever it is your business does,

I don't think it's going to interfere with my irrigation company here.

I'm thinking about getting in another line of work anyway.

All these foreigners coming over here,

putting pieces of shit like that all over the good farmland around here.

All so people can sit around, stare at their phones all day.

Nobody jerks off to magazines any more.

Uh, well, actually, that is a server farm.

What we do, compression,

would mean fewer of those, because we'd save a lot of memory space.

- Really? - Yeah.

Well, I'm all for that, believe me.

I'll tell you what.

You can have the name for a thousand dollars.

How's that sound?

Uh, that sounds great!

Yeah, cool. [Chuckles]

Oh, tremors, too, huh?

Just like my boy.

[Phone rings]

Go for Erlich.

This is Richard Hendricks, CEO of Pied Piper.

That's right. You guys said I was a bad negotiator, but I closed it!

We got a name. Tell everyone you know.

Oh, all right.

You don't sound that impressed.

[Erlich] No, no, I am.

I just...

Now we're Pied Piper. So, later.

Here you go.

You must drink a lot of margaritas huh?

We will now.

I have a startup that just got funded

so this is just kind of a gift for my guys to celebrate.

Hup...

Good luck with that.

You'll need, too, it when this town kicks you in the balls.

- Ok. Sure. - Let me get the door for you.

I had three startups, myself,

and I couldn't get those sand hill road morons to fund any of them.

Cowards. My last company was genius.

Have you ever been lost in a parking lot before?

Uh...

What app would do is use existing AvL technology, right?

So you'd type in the VIN number. And if you car didn't have AvL capabilities

you would just type in whatever section of the parking lot you were in,

like P3, or ground seven.

So you just, you just write down what section of the parking lot you're in?

Why do you need an app for that?

So you can remember where you parked.

Right, uh, but why don't you just write it down on paper?

Well, yeah. But this is for your phone.

Ok, so it's just sorta like notepad?

- Exactly! See? You get it. - Yeah. I get it.

Why can't all those fucking VCs?

- [Chuckles] - Pussies, man.

Oh, there we go, thanks.

[Grunts]

This is which one?

The BK double stacker.

Fascinating...

Peter, I know that you are

incredibly busy with... this.

But I made a personal promise to the Astraphile guys that none of their employees would lose

their job, which will happen at midnight to...

Do you see this?

The junior whopper?

No, not the sandwich.

This seed... Atop the breading.

Those are sesame seeds.

A high number of these breadings have sesame seeds on them.

Billions of breadings.

Sesame seeds.

They only grow in certain microclimates.

Peter, I know you don't want to cause

a hundred and seventy three people in North...

Cicadas.

- Gentlemen! - Hey!

It's our own personal Herb Cohen!

- Who? - Herb Cohen.

He's a famous negotiator. Wrote a bunch of textbooks.

- No? - What?

Have you seen the blogs?

[Richard] No.

Erlich went ham on all the tech sites.

He hit TechCrunch, Recode, and PandoDaily.

Listen to what Kara swisher says.

"Individually", says Erlich Bachman, "We are formidable.

But when you combine our portfolios,

Peter Gregory and I account for billions of dollars in assets.

We at Pied Piper look forward to giving Gavin Belson

and the donkeys at Nucleus a run for their money."

[Chuckles] What a dick.

[Phone rings]

It's the guy with the name.

Hello, Arnold.

Cut the shit.

I just read Recode.net.

You read Recode?

I do when my customers tell me

the name of my company's all over the Internet.

But you'd probably think I'm just out here shitting in a hole and wiping with my hand.

No, no, no, I don't think you do that.

Do people think you do that? Do you do that?

[Arnold] No, no, no!

I'm not falling for that phony, mumbley-mouth,

googly-eyed routine again.

If you're this tech billionaire,

why did I give you the name Pied Piper for next to nothing?

You played me.

You want the name, it's going to cost you 250 grand.

Ok, I think you just need to talk to the guy who said all that.

And he can clear it up for you.

- Where's Erlich? - He's outside with the intern.

What intern? You got interns?

We might as well have interns, we hire illegal aliens.

- What? - No, no. We don't have either of those things.

I'll tell you what, asshole,

you use the name Pied Piper again, I'm going to call my lawyer

and we're gonna sue the shit out of you.

- Fucking billionaires. - Arnold? Arnold, hello?

- That sounded sub-optimal. - Yeah, it was.

Hey, Jared, you know who else is Canadian? Justin Bieber, the Hitler of music.

Do you have a problem with me being Canadian?

I do, actually.

Do you have any idea how long it took me to become a citizen?

Did it take you a long time?

I'm glad I didn't do it then.

Typical lazy immigrant.

These people think they can just walk into this country...

[Gilfoyle] I did just walk into this country.

My car broke down on the ambassador bridge.

It took me an extra 15 minutes to get across the border. Major hassle.

You know, Hitler actually played the bassoon.

So, technically, Hitler was the Hitler of music.

[Sighs]

I don't understand. I thought you closed the name.

Well, I guess it's still a little ajar, I don't know.

Who am I, Herb Cohen? [Chuckles]

- I don't know who that is. - Neither do I.

That's a... That's a Jared thing.

Hey! Make sure to clean off all the gunk off the front bumper, ok.

And since when do we have an intern program?

We don't. And when Keith finds that out,

it's gonna be a valuable business lesson for him.

What? Those are the Pied Piper shirts!

- Are you Richard? - Yeah. Yes.

Ok, look, I fucked up. What do we do now?

Who's "we"?

This morning you rudely reminded me

that I wasn't a founder of this company and now

you want me to hold your hand and help you out?

I don't think so, sister.

This credit card is no good.

Declined.

[Sighs] Great. Great.

That stupid margarita machine maxed me out.

So now the CEO of Pied Piper can't even afford to buy lunch.

Yeah, I don't think we can use that name anymore.

Dude! Dude, hey. I owe you a big apology, man.

I had no idea who you were before and I read all this coverage

about your company online, and I was like, "Hey, Pied Piper!

I met this dude! He came into the store

and told me my parking app was fucking awesome!"

[Stutters] I did?

Yeah, so my mom was like, "Wow, really?

You should really pursue it!"

And I was like, "Yeah, I should."

The parking app?

So she decides to get a reverse mortgage on her home

and write me a check.

- Ooh... - So I'm funded!

Because of you, man.

I was this close to giving up, and now you gave me my dream back, man!

- But... - Oh, hey, Ron!

You see this guy? This billionaire here?

He's the reason why I'm quitting! [Chuckles]

- Jamie, you don't... - Well, you've helped me so much,

what can I do for you?

[Gulps] Well, I need to return this machine

because I'm broke, and I need money for food.

Just a quick question.

Uh, is this gonna be a cash return, or does it credit back to the card?

All right, what about Smaller, spelled "S-M-L-L-R"?

You know, because we make things smaller,

and this would be like a smaller version of the word "smaller".

- It looks like "Smeller". - Ok.

What if we spell it...

"S-M-L-R"?

Because that's an even smaller version of the word smaller.

Then it looks like "Smiler".

We're not gonna kick the shit

out of "Nucleus" with "Smiler."

Where's Richard? Why isn't he in here for this?

I think he was out back, wishing he'd taken the ten million dollars.

No, I just saw him in his room, wishing he had taken the ten million dollars.

You know "smiler" is also something that guys call women's assholes.

[Door opens]

Richard, why aren't you in there, coming up with new names?

I don't want a new name. I want Pied Piper.

But, apparently, I can't have that.

So now I have to come up with a new name

and take that to Peter Gregory and ask for a new check

he's gonna know pull our funding, Gavin Belson's going to crush us,

and we will be ruined because I have no idea what I'm doing.

Neither did Zuckerberg when he was running Facebook at 19.

You think he had any real-world business experience? No. None.

But he was such a tough negotiator that now all of his friends are suing him.

How awesome is that? And Steve Jobs?

He took a shit-ton of hallucinogens.

What a coincidence.

Maybe something that you could actually do.

I'm not going on some fucking vision quest.

Ok, let me get this straight, you would rather do nothing than something?

Because all the guys in the other room

coming up with shitty names like, "Smallulator," are at least doing something.

[Sighs]

Fine. I'll just do it myself.

I'll be back in 24 to 72 hours.

Have a cold pitcher of water and some orange slices ready for me.

You know what, I'm really gonna go for this motherfucker

so you better have some grapefruit ready, too.

I'm gonna come back with a name so amazing that Peter Gregory will write us ten checks.

What about, "Dwarfism 2.0"?

Where's "Dwarfism 1.0"?

Just in the world.

- Oh. - That's prejudice.

- That's hurtful. - I'm sorry.

Small, come back now, are you here?

[Jared] Interesting.

Hey! That is not cherry garcia.

Sorry, Gilfoyle. Company business.

And who's hiding drugs? Shocker, it's the illegal immigrant.

[Dinesh] What about mine-imize, like "minimize" but "mine".

[Jared] Yeah. [Chuckles]

Hello, Mr. Garris.

Yes, this is Richard from the company

that is rightly called Pied Piper.

That's right.

No, no, no. You listen to me. Ok. We had a handshake deal.

And that may not mean a lot to you, but where I come from, that means a whole lot.

Ok, you agreed to sell me that name for a thousand dollars.

So let me ask you this? Are you an honest man or are you a goddamn liar?

Ok. Yes, same address?

Good, yeah, great. See you then.

Dude, that was fucking badass. What did he say?

He said he was gonna get in his truck,

drive down here and beat the living shit out of me.

Why did you say that was your address?

- Say any other address. - I don't know.

He's got a very powerful voice.

What are we gonna do?

If you keep screaming your name,

it forces the assailant to acknowledge you as a human.

[Cell phone beeps]

It is now 5:35pm and I have ingested the psilocybin.

I have started the countdown timer

and I will be reaching Sonora and nirvana in approximately...

- Oh, fuck. - [Car horn honks]

Oh, shit.

[Knocking on door]

[Richard whispering] He's here, that's him.

He came.

- Should I call 911? - No, that's a pussy move.

- Yeah, it's a pussy move. - Shhh.

- Just shush. - [Knocking continues]

Just stay here until he goes away, please.

I'm looking for Pied Piper.

You know where it is?

This is Pied Piper.

No, no, no. It's a company.

Like a big, big office.

Do you know where that is?

Yeah, this it. Here. Pied Piper.

No...

Uh...

Hi, Arnold.

I'm Richard. I'm Richard. I'm Richard.

- Donald. I'm Donald. - Richard. Richard...

- Jared. I'm Jared. - Richard, Richard, Richard.

- Gilfoyle. Gilfoyle. - My name is Richard.

- Jared, Jared. - Richard, Richard.

- [Dinesh] Gilfoyle, Gilfoyle. - Jing Yang. Jing Yang. Jing Yang.

Sysbit Digital Solutions.

Integrating open data spaces.

Yeah.

TechBitData Solution Systems.

Creating unique cross platform technologies.

Technologies. Technolo-Jesus.

Oh, fuck!

[Arnold] So this is Pied Piper?

This is a billion dollar company?

Not even close. Not yet.

You pack a lot of guys in here.

It reminds me when I started Pied Piper in my garage.

I kind of miss those days.

Oh, yeah? [Nervous chuckle]

I'll tell you what.

Five thousand bucks and the name is yours.

Well, the thing is we agreed on a thousand.

Fine, four grand.

[Sighs] Look, that's not the deal.

- We shook on it. - Two thousand. Final offer.

We could do two. That's reasonable.

No, we can't do two, Jared. It's not reasonable at all.

Look, we shook hands on a thousand dollars. That's the deal.

Ok. A grand.

But you gotta throw in some gas money.

- I drove all the way out here. - To come to kick my ass!

Ok, you know what?

Five hundred! That's the deal. Five hundred.

- Fuck this. - No, no, no, no.

We don't have to... We can keep it at the original thousand dollars.

So, let's...

- Ok, you got a deal. - All right. Cool.

We got a name!

Infotrode...

Cloud-based, disruptive platforms.

Disrupting the cloud through...

I said cloud twice, shit.

Making the world a better place

through cross-platform business facing cloud...

There's that... shit! There's that cloud again!

Info-trode, Info-trode!? What the fuck is Info-trode?

What is that? It's all just fucking meaningless words!

Ok. No, no, no...

Making the world a better place. Making the world a better place.

Making the world a better place. Making the world a better place.

Making the world a better place. Making the world a better place.

[Man's voice echoing] Good-bye.

Making the world a better place. Making the world a better place.

Making the world a better place. Making the world a better place.

- Making the world a better place. - Sir?

Are you ok in there?

- Making the world a better place. - He's been in there all night.

I should call the sheriff.

Making the world a better place...

No, I... hey, I told you he's going to handle it!

- Mr. Gregory, this is ridiculous. - Sir...

Mr. Gregory, we need an answer and we need it now!

- Yes? - We need money. Now.

And I'm sure that burger king and sesame seeds

and whatever else you've been mumbling about in here

all seem lovely to think about...

Myanmar and Brazil.

No, no! No more of this!

Ok, are we getting the money or not?

Will you please tell us what the hell is going on?

Amusing coincidence that two of the three countries

that provide the world's sesame seeds have such large cicada population, no?

The cicadas of Myanmar emerge every 13 years,

while the Brazilian cicadas emerge every 17.

Next year they will hatch, simultaneously,

for the first time in 221 years.

Crops from both countries will be decimated.

Unlike Myanmar and Brazil, Indonesia has no cicada population.

I was surprised to see Indonesian sesame seed futures priced so low.

I made a purchase.

And now, if the shortage spikes the global price

even ten percent. We'll profit...

- Evan? - Sixty-eight million dollars.

If you wish, I could tap that projected revenue and make you

a bridge loan of 15 million dollars, gentlemen.

- [Both exhale] - Unless you need more?

No, that's... thank you. Thank you, holy shit.

Yes? Happy?

See? I told you he was taking care of it.

And now, would anyone like some BK?

[Chuckles] Evan was kind enough to go out and get breakfast.

It's just sitting here.

- Actually, we'd... I'd love some. - Thank you so much.

Is there cumin in this barbecue sauce?

- I will definitely find out. - Please do.

Gentlemen, we just got back from the bank.

Our first deposit slip.

We are officially Pied Piper.

And I am officially legal.

Dinesh wouldn't shut the hell up,

so we finally went to the visa office.

Took me five minutes.

Took me five years. They asked me about Al-Qaeda, like, 14 times.

He literally got it while I was still looking for parking.

[Phone rings]

- Hello. - [Woman] Is this Pied Piper?

It is now, but we're not taking an follow-on investors at this point.

Investors? No, this is Kelsey from the ARCO Station out on 108.

Someone smeared your name and number in shit on my bathroom wall.

- Uh, I think you may have the wrong number... - Richie.

Oh, hey, guys.

Uh, hi. Who is this?

You're not gonna believe this, but this is me.

Time is a sphere and I've been reincarnated during the same time period in which I exist.

Yes, but where he come from?

From the future, obviously.

Also, from a parking lot at a gas station in Sonora.

He ate the whole bag of gold caps.

Awesome!

Erlich... [Speaks spanish]

So, should I call the cops now before anyone else does?

I just got an AMBER Alert for Rogilio Nu?ez.

Yeah, ok.

[Light rock music playing]

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