All language subtitles for Significant Mother s01e02 Mixed Doubles.eng

- Mmm.
- Hey, buddy,

we're gonna watch TV at your mom's,

so the houseboat is all yours tonight.

Oh, no, it's okay. You
know, I'm over the shock.

You guys don't have to keep avoiding me.

- You can watch TV here.
- Oh, thanks, honey,

but Mr. Tickle Fingers gets a little frisky

when we watch Downton Abbey.

- (Inaudible)
- Who am I kidding?

We'll never make it to my house.

I need you to go downtown
on my abbey right now.

- I'm right here.
- He's right.

- He's right there.
- Let him watch.

He loves Masterpiece Theatre,

and what you do down there
is definitely a masterpiece.

- Oh, my God!
- Hey, buddy,

I'm gonna go the extra mile tonight.

Can you hand me that?

Aah! Aah!

(Gasps)

(Jimmy): I could never have sex

- with a machine.
- (Lydia): Bloop.

- I'm a sex machine.
- Ah! Oh...

Hey, buddy. Sorry. Was the TV too loud?

- No, I just had a nightmare.
- Oh, honey, what about?

Oh, my best friend sleeping with my mom.

Thank God that's not true.

Oh, wait, yes, it is.

(Lydia): Honey, I'm sorry
we've been here so much.

It's just it's kind of hard

to get through an episode of
anything without your father

coming by the house to
make himself a sandwich.

Plus, I've got a special brew
on tap just for binge watching.

It's called TV Night Light.
Binge without the bulge.

Oh, and it goes perfect
with a five-hour block

of Battlestar Galactica.

Wow, you guys have gone straight
from The Graduate to This Is 40.

What is that supposed to mean?

I mean, you skipped all
the fun parts of dating,

like the dating... unless you
guys are keeping this thing

on the down low in case
the gild falls off the lily.

(Laughs): No, that is not what...

our gild is firmly attached to our lily.

Yeah, our gild is firmly at... I'm sorry.

I don't know what we're talking about.

Nate is suggesting that
we're not taking this public

because we're not sure if
whatever's between us will last.

That is not what we're doing.

Yeah, that's not what we're doing.

So why haven't you gone on a date?

Because dates are old-fashion-y.

You know, we're just keeping it casual...

binging on the 'Flix,

Instagramming our breakfast,
staying away from gluten.

You know, normal stuff millennials do.

Not all millennials do that.

Yes, they do. I read it on a blog.

Wait a minute. I'm confused.

Are you happy to hang out,

or do you want to go on a date?

(Laughs): No! I don't want to go on a date.

No. I wouldn't... yes.

Yes, I want to go on a date,

one where we wear pants
that aren't made of sweat.

I-I want to wash my hair. I'm a grown-up.

You know, millennials wash their hair.

Well, lather, rinse, repeat...

'cause I'm gonna date you.

- I'm so excited.
- Good.

- 'Cause I'm gonna date you so hard.
- Oh, my gosh.

Oh, I'm gonna date the crap out of you.

- Guys, I'm still here.
- Right. I know.

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Hey, buddy, I need your help.
Wow, Sam looks good in a bikini.

Were you just Face-stalking Sam?

No! I...

a good boss makes it a
priority to know his employees.

Inside and out,

and then back in, and then back
out, and then back in, and...

Will you stop?

- I don't like Sam.
- All right.

I just find it interesting that
you haven't had sex in one year,

three months, and two days,

which is right when she
started working here.

Jimmy, why have you been
keeping track of that?

Because you're my best friend.

- You don't do that for me?
- No.

That's weird.

Almost as weird as your year-plus drought

that apparently wasn't caused by anything.

It's caused by the fact that
I'm focusing on the restaurant.

Look, if I wanted to, I could make it rain.

Really? 'Cause I'm looking at the forecast,

and all I see is sunshine.

Is there a reason you came in here?

Actually, there is.

I need your help planning
my date with your mom.

I'm not helping you date my mom.

Oh, come on. I think she's expecting
something really fancy,

and you know I've never
gone past the casual hang.

I mean, I don't know where to start.

All right, what do you think of these?

A walking tour of Portland's
public drinking fountains.

- No?
- The Hat Museum.

- No.
- Wizard Quest Dinner and Tournament?

Well, it says there it's magical.

I can't believe you've
had sex with so many women

and you've never taken one on a real date.

Which is why this date is so important.

All right, I need to
knock your mom's socks off

to make up for the fact

that I've already knocked
your mom's socks off.

All right, think of it this way.
If you were gonna take Sam

on a date, where would you take her?

How many times do I have to tell you?

I don't like...

wine tasting at Ponzi
and dinner at Chateauneuf.

That's amazing, but I can't afford it.

What else you got? Come on, buddy.

Throw me a bone.

Turner was always there for Hooch.

Yeah, but if Hooch slept with Turner's mom,

it would ruin their partnership.

Well, it would also be bestiality.

- I can't do this on my own.
- Yes, you can.

You know how to please my
mom way better than I do.

That's the worst thing I've ever said.

- Nathaniel.
- Hey.

You've got to try this kohlrabi.

I companion planted it with
golden beets and hyssops,

so unlike your average
run-of-the-mill German cabbage,

it has a surprisingly nutty finish.

Oh, well, thank you, Atticus.

I was looking for something
to take the Oedipal taste

out of my mouth.

Yeah, listen, mate, um, I
was wondering if you'd give

Samantha the autumnal equinox off of work.

When's the autumnal equinox?

(Laughs)

That's funny.

- Oh, Saturday.
- Sure.

- No problem.
- Oh, thanks, mate.

Are you taking Sam on a special date?

- What do you got planned?
- Well, my inquisitive friend,

the equinox is a time of transition.

So when the sun sets,

I'm gonna take our
relationship to the next level.

- You're gonna watch her pee?
- You're gonna propose to her?

No. No, I'm gonna shag her outside

with the stars up above
and the dirt down below.

It's the next level for shag mates.

What about you, Nathaniel?

You got someone special
to share the equinox with?

(Jimmy): Just his customers...

Nate's really focused on work right now.

Well, there's no reason you
can't mix business with pleasure

and pleasure someone in
your place of business.

Yeah, the equinox is as good
a time as any to make it rain,

and if you aren't into Sa... aving yourself

for marriage, then there's,
uh, no reason not to.

You know what? You're
absolutely right, Jimmy.

There's no need to check
the weekend forecast,

because I predict it's gonna

be cloudy with a chance of my balls.

It's raining men!

Men... I... it's not...
I'm the... I'm just gonna...

Man, I always thought he was a virgin.

Buddy, hey, your mom keeps
asking me what to wear,

and I am nowhere with this
date, but what do you think of...

Jimmy, I told you I'm not
gonna help you date my mom,

so you'll have to figure
this out on your own.

- And I told you I can't.
- Then I'm sorry.

You're gonna have to find another Turner.

Fine, but don't blame me if
your mom wears a sport coat

to something that doesn't involve sports.

- That's fine.
- By the way, that chick

is totally checking you out.

Yeah, well, I hope she's
got an umbrella 'cause

I'm gonna make it rain.

Hi. I'm Nate. I own this restaurant.

Would you like to get a drink sometime?

Yes. How about right now?

I asked for a gimlet, like, forever ago.

Oh, yeah, we...

Oh, there it is.

My man.

Hey, you, what's the book about?

It's about a creepy guy
that stalks pretty girls.

(Pepper): Double fault.

That's got to hurt.

You saw all that?

You know, you would have an easier time

if you rallied with someone
with a bit more experience.

- I'm Pepper.
- Hi.

But my friends call me someone
with a bit more experience.

Give me a call if you want someone

to help you with your stroke.

I'll bet she could go five
sets without taking a break.

Sam, that woman's my mother's age.

So what? She's smoking hot.

Plus, it looks like she's a sure thing.

Look, even if I wanted to, I can't.

I have to work tomorrow 'cause
you're taking the day off

to spend the equinox with Atticus.

No, that's okay. I'll cancel with Atticus.

No... really?

No, I mean... I don't
know. You'd do that for me?

No, but I would do it for Marlowe down low.

15 months is a really
long time in penis years.

Jimmy told you that?

- Yeah.
- Cool, okay.

Um, yeah, well, I-I guess
I'll go out with her then.

Good. You might want to
bring some fresh balls...

you know, for tennis.

Oh, the last time we made love,

you were wearing that blazer.

Are you kidding, Harrison?

No, as I recall, your hair was
up and your pants were down.

Well, as I recall, my hair
was the only thing up that day.

Okay, truce. Listen.

I just came by to drop off
a little toy for your boy.

Hmm, good. Is there a camera in that?

- Yeah, possibly.
- Yeah, okay. You take that.

Lydia, I just want to know.

Are you doing all this to get back at me?

I've told you a hundred times,
I did not have sexual relations

with that woman until
after you threw me out,

and then we just had a lot of sex.

I don't care about the time line

of your sexcapades with Janet.

I'm too busy picking out an
outfit for my date with Jimmy.

Jimmy's taking you out on a date?

- How did you rope into that?
- I didn't rope.

I just... I just stood up
for what I wanted, and, and,

um, he agreed.

You know why? Because he listens to me.

- Hmm.
- You should take a lesson.

- A lesson?
- Yeah.

From the kid who still pees
in our yard? No, thank you.

Lydia, I wouldn't over-think the outfit.

I mean, there's no dress
code at Chuck E. Cheese.

Okay, Harrison, no! Take the bear!

So, uh, what are we doing here, exactly?

We're having the best day ever.

- It doesn't smell like we are.
- Trust me.

This is where I bring all
the truly special birds.

When a woman lets your cucumber
slip slowly through her fingers

into a lukewarm vinegar bath,

you're bonded for life.

Well, she does like cucumbers...

- Who doesn't?
- But I don't know.

Come on. Pickle my cucumber
and see for yourself.

Come on. Come on, take it.

Take the whole thing. There.

Now, I'll be you, and you be Lydia.

Let it slip through your fingers.

How does that make you feel?

Well, as Lydia, I am confused
about what I'm doing here.

Well, as Jimmy,

I feel hurt that you're not
taking our date seriously.

Well, as Lydia, I'm
upset that you don't seem

to know me at all.

Shh.

All right, the... this
isn't working for me.

Well, as Jimmy, that's
not how I was feeling.

- I'm Jimmy.
- Man, I'm giving you

everything here and you keep pulling away.

I'm sorry, all right?
I tried to let you in.

It just doesn't feel right.

It's fine.

Did Nathaniel have any better ideas?

Well, actually, he did
mention wine tasting at Ponzi

and then dinner at Chateauneuf,
which Lydia would love.

I just can't afford it...

unless you were willing
to loan me the money.

Oh, I don't loan money to my friends,

but I am willing to let you work for it.

(Animals squealing)

(Atticus whistles melody)

This dirt smells like crap.

Because that dirt is crap.

That makes sense, then.

(Cow moos)

(Lydia): Oh, Jimmy,
this place is beautiful!

I'm so excited!

Uh, hello, welcome to Ponzi Winery.

My name is Dylan.

Do you two have a reservation?

Yes, a reserved tasting for
two under Jimmothy Barnes.

Oh, my adopted parents are Korean.

Huh.

Okay, let's see.

Oh, unfortunately, it says here
your reservation is for tomorrow,

and we're booked solid today.

What? No!

Oh, I can't believe I screwed this up.

Oh, please, you don't know
how important this is to us.

He has worked so hard on this date.

I'm sorry. We're a very small winery.

No, no, this place is a freaking cathedral.

I'm sure you can find a place to seat us.

I'm sorry, ma'am, but my hands are tied.

Dylan, if you don't find us a space,

I will shave off that chin beard

and show the world you have no jawline.

Look at that.

- Some space just opened up.
- Really?

- Right there.
- Ah! Yay!

And just so you know, when I have wine,

- I get a little handsy.
- Oh, well, what a coincidence.

We're at a winery.

- Mmm.
- Oh.

(Jimmy): Whoa, Nate!

What are you doing here?

I'm on my date, and,
apparently, so are you.

Jimmy, Mom, this is...

Pepper? Pepper Spinner?

- Lydia Marlowe.
- Wow.

Oh, my goodness!

How funny is this?

Well, if I'd known this guy was your son,

I would've asked you to
sign a permission slip.

If I would've known it was
so he could go out with you,

I totally would've signed it.

Oh, I should hope so.

Women like us have to stick together.

Should we all share a table?

Nothing warms me up more
than a little mixed doubles.

(Nate): Well, if that's
what you want to do...

You're what I want to do.

You know what? Actually, we have a table.

Actually, you don't.

- Turns out nothing opened up.
- Huh?

Please, don't shave me.

So, uh, how do you two know each other?

Oh, Pepper and I used to play
tennis together at the club.

But then my husband
developed an Asian fetish

and fell in love with a woman
who looked like Connie Chung.

I don't know who that is.

Oh, she's like the Asian Barbara Walters.

- You don't know who Barbara Walters is?
- No.

First rule of dating younger
men, no dated references.

I know who Barbara Walters is.

Oh, good for you, baby.

I got a smart one.

Anyway, after my divorce,

I got the house and my ex got the club,

which is why Lydia and I
haven't seen each other in ages,

but we're in a new club now.

No one over 30 allowed.

- Except us, right?
- Right.

So, uh, Pepper, um, do you have any kids?

Oh, no, not me.

The only babies that go
in here are other people's.

(Mimics baby crying)

Dylan, more wine, please!

- Nate and I will get it.
- Uh, yeah.

- Sure.
- Nate? Hey, buddy.

I think your cougar is
making your mom uncomfortable.

Really? Because I think my mom

is ruining my date with a sure thing.

Why are you taking a sure thing on a date?

Not the point, Dylan.

The point is, you see that rain outside?

- Yes.
- I made that,

and Pepper may be having a
good time playing mixed doubles,

but I can't enjoy her
advances in front of my mother.

Then take Pepper somewhere else.

Your mom was so excited when we got here,

and I don't have a backup
plan. Come on, buddy.

I will do your laundry for a month.

- My mother does my laundry.
- I'll wash my forks

- after I use them.
- You don't wash your forks?

Well, I figured if we shared a toothbrush,

- it wasn't that important.
- We share a toothbrush?

- I left mine at your mom's.
- Okay, that's it, no.

If anyone is leaving, it's
you. This is my date spot.

I would've went somewhere
else if you had helped me.

Yeah, and I would've helped you

if you weren't dating my mother.

Whoa. Your girl's his mother?

- Not now, Dylan.
- Sorry.

Look, Nate, I'm not stupid, all right?

I know that me being with
your mom has changed things

between you and I, but I need you,

and I tried to replace you,

but I can't.

You're my person.

Is that from Grey's Anatomy?

Yes.

Your mom and I have been
watching a lot of TGIT.

So, how many of Nate's friends

have you landed since the divorce?

Oh, no, no, just... just the one.

Jimmy's the one. Yeah.

(Laughs)

I'm sorry.

I thought you said that kid was the one...

like, "the one" the one.

Well, we haven't really
defined it yet, so I don't know.

Sweetie, let me give you some advice.

Little boys are into grown
women for one of two reasons.

One: they want killer,
uncomplicated sex with a woman

who can orgasm on a dime or two nickels.

- Wow.
- Two:

they secretly want to sleep
with their own mothers.

Hold on a second.

Are you suggesting that my son

is with you because he
wants to have sex with me?

I guess we won't know
until we see how much time

little Natey spends with
his motor between my boats.

You are so trashy!

- You did not just do that!
- Oh, I did!

(Overlapping shouting)

Hey, everybody be cool!

I'm sorry! I am sorry!

I have tried to deal with her

for the sake of both of our dates,

but she was totally inappropriate first.

Lydia, relax. I was
just having a little fun.

I mean, isn't that what we're
doing here, having some fun?

No, Jimmy and I are not having fun.

I mean, we're not just having fun.

We actually really care about each other.

Come on. He's a child.

He may be a child, but he's my child.

Actually, I'm your child.

My... my point is... I care about Jimmy,

and he cares about me,

and I really resent you saying

that what we have is cheap and clich?.

I am not you, Pepper.

I am not a cougar.

- Kitty hawk.
- I'm sorry, what?

I prefer the term kitty hawk.

Like a hawk that hunts kitties.

It's a work in progress. It
just... cougar feels dated.

Nate, I'm bored.

Want to go have sex on my catamaran?

Actually, Pepper,

I-I think I'm gonna
follow my mom's lead here

and say this isn't me.

I-I'm not really a freaky
catamaran sex kind of guy.

Nate doesn't want to have sex with me.

- That was weird.
- It's true.

The only ship he has
sex in is a relationship.

If you knew that, then why did
you push me to make it rain?

I was just trying to get you
to admit that you liked Sam.

I... no, I don't like Sam.

I just... I don't want to have sex
with someone I don't care about.

Wow, looks like someone raised you right.

Hey, Jimmy, I'm sorry
that I ruined the date

that I roped you into taking me on.

Oh, it's all right,
we'll just do a do-over.

Actually, can we not? I
don't want to force anything.

I actually really like
hanging out with you.

I just wanted to go on a date

because I wanted to feel like a couple,

but that's kind of hard to do when...

When the age difference is so big.

When I don't know how to defend it,

because I don't know what we are.

What do you mean?

You're my girlfriend, aren't you?

I am.

What do you say we, uh, go
finish Battlestar Galactica?

I have an idea on how to
spice it up a little bit...

- Mmm.
- Which I won't talk about

- in front of my son.
- Thank you.

You know what, buddy?

You did the right thing about Pepper.

- Yeah.
- I may not know much,

but I know the only thing
better than a sure thing

is the real thing.

Wait.

- (Phone chimes)
- Remind me to send

new slogan idea to a certain
national cola company.

- Mmm.
- What happened to Pepper?

(Clatter)

- Well, she's consistent.
- And dirty.

Hey, boss man. What are you doing here?

Well, it turns out I wasn't
so sure about my sure thing,

so I thought I'd come
by and keep you company.

Oh, well, actually it
was kind of a slow night,

so Atticus came by to keep me company.

- Oh.
- And by keep me company,

I mean have sex with me in the walk-in.

I'm glad the health
inspector didn't stop by.

- Mm.
- (Atticus): Not to worry!

All cleared up with the health inspector.

- Oh.
- Nathaniel?

Back so soon?

It's okay, mate. Come here.

Don't worry. First time's always a quickie.

Okay. Well, listen.

Since I'm back, why don't you two

get out of here and go enjoy
the rest of the equinox?

Oh, thanks, mate. You're a good egg.

(Harrison): Looks like
it's just you and me, kid.

Like loser, like son.

Dad, what are you doing here?

I am mourning the death of my marriage.

I really thought she was doing
all this just to get back at me,

but, wow.

She's taking it a little far.

I don't think this is about you or me.

It seems to be about her.

Yeah, no, that can't be it. Egg roll?

Ah, seriously, stop bringing food here.

Seriously, why don't you
tell Sam you like her?

I don't like Sam.

And I'm not still in love with your mother.

Sometimes the worst lies we tell

are the ones we tell ourselves.

Give me the damn egg roll.

(Groovy electronic music)

You were right. This is sexy.

(Muffled): Lieutenant Starbuck

requesting permission to dry-dock.

Sorry, I can't understand you.

(Muffled): Oh, I said, "Lieutenant St...

Lieutenant Starbuck requesting
permission to dry-dock."

Wait. Why dry-dock?

Oh, I just thought it was the
safest way to dock in space.

I don't know, maybe we shouldn't
do Battlestar Galactica.

It's a good call, 'cause
space is so hard to sexualize.

- Yeah.
- We can do another show.

We could do a movie. "The Humper Games."

"How to Ride the Train on Your Dragon."

- Boyhood!
- That's weird.

Ew, yeah. Too close to home.

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