Original subtitles

- Which colour lipstick, Shocking Rose or Sore Nipple Pink? - Whoa!

What are you up to tonight?

Mama's got herself a date.

- Again? You've had four this week. It's only Wednesday. - I know!

It's this awesome new dating app. Keeps matching me up with guys.

I guess all those lies I put in my profile are paying off.

- What kind of lies? - Oh, you know, little things.

I speak Italian, I volunteer

at a donkey sanctuary, I'm a helicopter pilot.

What?!

It's fine. Everyone does it. Look at this guy I'm meeting.

His name's Dylan, and his picture is fucking ridiculously fit.

But for all I know, he's some 4ft 2in creep

with wooden teeth and a chin beard.

Which reminds me, have you seen my flick knife?

- No, why? - Well, if he does turn out to be a nutjob,

then I can slash him. I've looked it up, it's basically legal.

If you want, you can borrow a screwdriver.

What is all this stuff?

You're not the only one with a fun plan.

I'm building myself a shelf.

Er, why?

I wanted to try out my new toolkit. Can you believe that some random guy

sold me the whole set for 20 quid and one cup of clean urine?

OK, I don't think you should be doing any DIY.

You've ended up in hospital trying to put Lego together twice.

Yeah, but I'm not going to get

a whole nail gun stuck up my nose, am I?

Jesus! Look, please don't hurt yourself doing anything stupid, OK?

A-ha! There she is.

Wish me luck!

CAR HORN BEEPS

LOUD CHATTER

- Fuck me! - Hannah, right?

Sorry, it's just you look even better in real life

than you did in your photos. That never happens.

Thanks! I wish every date could start like this.

Oh, I already ordered. I hope you don't mind.

We can get another plate of ribs for you.

They're amazing, it's like having a whole pig melt in your mouth.

No, that's cool.

I think I'll just have... the Caesar salad, no dressing.

- What, that's all you're having? - I'm kind of on a strict diet for work.

I'm an underwear model.

Wow, that's so cool. I've never met a model before.

My brother once got tricked into posing for a Ukip poster,

but that's about it. - It's kind of a cool job.

Does get a bit samey, though.

Anyway, your job sounds much more fun. Helicopter pilot!

What?

Oh, shit, yeah. Yeah!

The job that I put on my profile and definitely do.

It's like they say, keep your feet on the ground and soon they'll be...

not on the ground.

God, it's so refreshing to spend time with a civilian for once.

- "Civilian"? - Oh, sorry, that's what we call

people who aren't in the industry.

But, I mean, you're not a model AND you're hot.

That's like hitting the jackpot.

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

This place used to be so great, now it's always swarming with

- IDIOTS! - Oh, well, we can go somewhere else, if you like.

I know a private members' club round the corner.

It's kind of chic and pretentious, but...

Perfect! Let's get the waiter back and then we can cancel your order

and maybe get another plate of ribs for the road.

Yeah, great.

We make a great team.

Well, hello, there!

What's that?

That's right, madam, I AM a rugged builder.

And it's your lucky day, because I'm here to nail you

with my nail gun.

And also with my dick.

Actually, I'm only going to use my dick...

because this nail gun is really a weapon.

That's right. I'm also a spy.

I got a license to kill...

and drill.

NAIL GUN BANGS

Excuse me, fella, you don't have a lighter, do you?

No, sorry, dude. To be honest, should you really be smoking?

I mean, don't take this the wrong way, but you look fucking dreadful.

Nah, you've got a point. Fuck it.

Well, how about you make yourself useful and help me back to my room?

Sure thing. Wait, you don't have anything contagious, do you?

- Smallpox? That thing from 28 Days Later? - No.

Cool! Sweet medal! Is it real?

Yeah. I was in the services for a bit, back in the day.

That was my prize for getting shot.

No shit! I literally just got shot tonight.

I mean, it was with a nail gun, and I did it to myself,

but, still, I get what you went through.

And what's this?

I got given that in an opium den in Beijing

after I helped this guy's mistress give birth.

Poor bastards were so grateful they named the baby after me.

That's a mahjong set I made by hand while I was a teacher out in Burma.

And what's the story with THIS?

That's my catheter. It helps drain excess urine.

Oh, right. I'll put that...

Well, thanks for the hand, fella. I'm sure you've got to get going.

Nah. I've got literally nothing on all night.

Hey, do you want to play a game of that mahjong?

- Do you know how to play? - Nope.

Oh, good.

LAID-BACK DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

This place is literally crawling with celebrities.

I've already seen Jessie J

and three of the pirates from Captain Phillips.

Yeah, those guys are always in here.

Dylan, I don't want to jinx this, but it might be the perfect date.

Yeah, I'm having a good time, too.

You know, usually I'm in here with other models,

and they're so busy

comparing the latest tapeworm diets they're not enjoying themselves.

What?! This place is awesome!

Well, except for the music.

It's like the soundtrack to a jazzy murder-suicide.

Well, I know the DJ. We can go request a track.

Yes, please!

Pascal! My man. This is Hannah. Is it cool if we make a request?

Yeah, sure. What do you want?

Actually, is it all right if I put on some of my own stuff?

Sorry.

MUSIC STOPS

FEEDBACK

Wait a moment...

Oh, don't worry, I've got my own party playlist.

OK, now the date's perfect.

MUSIC: Do They Know It's Christmas? by Band Aid

Come on, let's go and get some free mojitos.

I don't know about you, but I'm gagging for a drink.

Reach under the mattress for me.

Oh!

Frank, you sly old dog.

I get one of the cleaners to sneak 'em in for me

in exchange for giving him English lessons.

Why don't you just get one of your family to sneak them in?

Well, I would, but I'm in the sticky position of not having any.

What happened? Was it like a Batman thing,

they were murdered in front of your eyes?

Nothing like that. I just never really settled down, you know?

Right, that's me for the night.

Cool. Erm, what are your plans tomorrow?

I could come and visit again.

I could sneak you in some more bottles of booze.

Really? What's in it for you?

Are you kidding? I get to play board games,

listen to cool stories from the past. You're like the grandad I never had!

I mean, I do have a grandad, but he's kind of boring.

And he only eats sardines, so he has terrible breath.

Right...

PHONE BUZZES

'Hey, Hannah!'

Hi, Dan. You all right?

Just realised you didn't come home last night.

Wanted to make sure you were safe. Or didn't stab anyone.

Don't worry. I had THE best night ever.

Dylan was literally unbelievable.

He's a model, and he took us to this exclusive members' club

and then I got off with his AMAZING body.

Two-and-a-half times. How was your night?

Really fun. I shot myself with that nail gun,

and then at the hospital I met this old dude with kidney failure.

'Genuinely no part of that sounds fun.'

But to be honest, most things are beneath me now.

I mean, I am part of a power couple.

'Since when?'

Since right now.

From today, it's just going to be me and my gorgeous model boyfriend

popping from one swanky shindig to another.

Ooh, speaking of which, I'd better go.

Morning. Who was that?

My brother. I was just bragging

about how much fun we had last night.

Oh, cool. Maybe we can have a bit more fun this morning.

DOOR OPENS Uh-oh! Sorry!

Ignore me. I just wanted to grab my phone-charger.

Hi, Amy. This is Hannah.

Hannah, this is my pal Amy. She's crashing with me for a while.

It looks like you hit the jackpot, Pickle.

- "Pickle"? - Listen, I've got to run like crazy.

- But dinner tonight, yeah? - Of course. It's...

- Thai Thursday! - ..Thai Thursday!

SO lovely to meet you, Hannah.

AMY GIGGLES

She seems nice! How do you two know each other?

Oh, me and Amy go way back.

We did our first photoshoot together. She's a model, too.

I can see why. She's pretty hot.

She's kind of like a sister to me now. We used to go out, but...

- Really? For how long? - Well, not that long.

Four years. On and off.

- Mostly on. - You and her for four years?

- Yeah. - Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

That is so cool.

Dan, can you move all of your tools? It's like living in a fucking B&Q.

No time. Off to see Frank.

Really? You've seen him every day this week.

Because he's awesome. Plus, I'm the only person he has to hang out with.

Wow, that must be depressing.

I'm going to take him a few box sets to take his mind off

being stuck in hospital. ER, House and Grey's Anatomy.

Hey, give him an iPad cover from me.

Whoa, where did you get all this?

Dylan gets all this free swag from his photoshoots and lets me have it.

Sunglasses.

Ooh, do you want a head-massager? I've got, like, six.

Yes.

Wow!

I guess you really are in a power couple.

The only problem is his dumb ex-girlfriend.

- Why, what's she's done? - Well, technically nothing,

but they spend way too much time together. I mean, look at this.

Yesterday, he sent me a picture of them at the seaside.

They went there for a day trip just for a laugh.

I mean, who the fuck does that?

Whoa, Nelly! She is unbelievable!

No wonder you're jealous.

I am not jealous, OK?

Now, could I have my phone back, please?

One sec. I'm just texting the picture to myself.

Ohhh!

KNOCK ON DOOR

It's open.

Hey, guys. What's going on?

Oh, hey, Hannah! We're about to watch The Legend Of Bagger Vance.

It's, like, our favourite film.

Bagger Vance? The one where Will Smith plays a magical golf caddie?

We watch it once a week. It's sort of a dumb tradition.

We were on this shoot in Helsinki, staying at this crappy hotel,

and we got snowed in for, like, a week.

For some reason, it was the only DVD they had.

We must have watched it together, like, 30 times.

Oh, my God, Pickle, do you remember that mental hotel manager?

THEY BOTH JABBER

Yeah, yeah. Classic!

Well, hey, how about I join you guys?

- Yeah, come on! - Might be fun to watch a film with MY boyfriend.

Yeah, come and sit with us.

Hm...

Hey, you.

Do you think if I asked really nicely,

they'd let me take one of these home?

I'm bored. Tell me another story.

Did I tell you about the summer I spent

working as a dog-groomer in Quebec? - You did.

How about when I saw John Major drop a doughnut on the street,

look around to check no-one saw and then carried on eating it?

- Yeah, heard that one, too. - I guess you've heard 'em all, then.

I tell you, you know your life's in the shitter when

the last exciting thing you remember doing is giving a stool sample.

I wish I'd met you 80 years ago.

Jesus Christ, Dan, how fucking old do you think I am?

I'm only 62.

Oh! Sorry. I was just saying,

I wish I could have gone on all your cool adventures with you.

You'd be Tintin, I'd be his little dog.

Do you really want an adventure?

Come with me.

OK, I need you to go and distract that nurse for a bit.

Distract her? OK. Like a bomb threat or something?

Just... keep her talking, all right? Leave the rest to me.

- Excuse me? Hello, Nurse. - Mm?

I'm kind of worried, because I've got this weird thing where

- I feel constipated... - Right...

...but also, like, my eyes feel... loose?

- Mm... - As if they're starting to shrink and they might...

fall out soon. But also, the constipation thing, and it's...

God!

I suddenly feel totally fine!

That's so weird! You must be an amazing nurse.

You guys should be paid more. I've always said that.

Gets me every time.

So beautiful, right?

Oh, yeah, totally. I-I am crying, it's just my tears are very dry.

PHONE BLEEPS

Oh, my God! Pickle, it's those test shots from the Sweden shoot!

I know I said I'd never do nudes, but what do you think?

- Well, these are stunning. - You think so?

Well, if you scroll down, there are some with the nipples covered, too.

It's tough. They've all got, like, this really great raw sexuality.

What do you think?

Covered, or the ones with the exposed nipples?

Oh, so sorry, Amy! You'd better go change.

It's OK. Erm, I'll just be a second.

- OK, what the fuck is the deal with you two? - What do you mean?

You're always hanging out together, she keeps calling you Pickle,

and you both love this bullshit film.

Whoa, Bagger Vance is a good film, OK?

And me and Amy are just close. I told you, she's like my sister.

Yeah, your really sexy sister who you've slept with multiple times.

I promise, we're just good friends. You've got nothing to worry about.

OK, then you wouldn't mind her going out with someone else?

Well, no, of course not.

Cool. In that case, how about I set her up with a guy?

Well, sure. Who are you thinking?

Wait, so what is this?

Liquid morphine. You ever tried it?

No, but my mum used to take it for her back pain

and whenever she had to come and see my French-horn recitals.

This is pretty much the only thing that makes this hospital bearable.

- Say "ah". - Ahh...

PHONE RINGS

Hey.

Just hanging with Frank.

Tonight?

Yeah, definitely! Er, sweet. I'll be there in a bit.

Holy shit! My sister's just got me

a date with maybe the hottest girl ever.

I think I'm going to have to bounce. You all right by yourself?

I'll manage. At least one of us should be having some fun.

- Yeah. - Although I'd get a move on if I were you,

cos once this stuff kicks in,

you're not even going to know what year it is.

Don't worry, I can handle my shit.

My brother should be here soon. He is a real catch.

He's tall, handsome. He nearly put up a shelf.

KNOCK ON DOOR

DOORBELL RINGS

KNOCK ON DOOR

DOORBELL RINGS

KNOCK ON DOOR

Dan, you're late. Where the hell have you been?

HE GIGGLES What's up with you?

Me and Frank took some liquid morphine. Shh!

Er, guys, this is Dan. Dan, this is Amy and Dylan.

Oh, my God! You could be a porn star!

OK... Well, seeing as this is a double date,

I was thinking maybe a fun way to break the ice would be to

play some party games. - Well, yeah.

- We could split off into couples? - Ooh, I'm with Hannah!

No, no, you're with Amy. And I'll be with Dylan, my boyfriend.

Let's play some games!

- It's a dick. - No.

- It's a dick. - No!

- It's a dick! - No!

That's not how you draw a dick!

- Film. - Film.

Six words. First word.

- Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs! - ..Meatballs. - Yes! Great guess.

- It was a great mime, Pickle. - Yeah! Great mime, Pickle.

I'm hungry.

What's your favourite eat? What do...? What do you eat?

Oh. Erm, I like lots of...

Oh, shut up!

That is so rude.

Oh, hey, there's this perfume launch at the club on Friday.

Do you want to be my plus-one?

Definitely! We wouldn't be much of a power couple otherwise, would we?

Speaking of couples, Amy and Dan really seem to be hitting it off.

Let's leave them to it.

PHONE BLEEPS

What are you doing?

Oh, sorry. It's just Amy.

PHONE BLEEPS

Dylan! This isn't dinner with your parents.

You can't just zone out in the middle and check your e-mails.

Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry. My bad.

PHONE BLEEPS

OK.

Just a quick reply. I'll do it in emojis.

I'm sorry, Dylan, I didn't want to have to do this,

but you've left me with no choice.

- It's me or Amy. - What?

You have to choose one. Either I'm in your life or Amy is.

Well, I guess Amy.

What the fuck?! I was, like, 1,000% sure you were going to choose me.

Yeah, but Amy's, like, one of the most important things in my life.

Cutting her out would be like losing a part of my soul.

But... But what about us? I mean, we're a power couple.

I can't be a power single.

Look, Hannah, maybe you should go.

Seriously? You're breaking up with me? Can't we talk about this

or at least just finish having sex?

Oh, I don't think that's a good idea.

Perfect, my boyfriend dumps me

and then he doesn't even have the decency to finish me off.

Thanks for nothing.

- Thanks, Doctor. - OK.

Hi.

Casanova! How was the date?

Didn't go, in the end.

Just got a really good night's sleep instead.

So, what did the doc want?

My test results came back.

Drum roll!

It's terminal, Dan. There's nothing else they can do for me.

Oh, shit.

That's how it goes. You live life for a bit, then you don't.

There must be something they can do!

Can't they put your brain in a jamjar or a robot?

Bless you. But it's my time to go.

Good night, sweet prince.

What are you doing? I'm not dying right now.

They said I've maybe got a couple of months left in me.

Great!

Well, not great, but, y'know... So, what do you want to do today?

I was thinking we could sneak into one of the operating rooms,

watch a couple of skin grafts.

I don't think I'm really in the mood for anything like that, Dan.

Maybe you should just head off.

Yeah.

Sure.

Dan? I've lost my flick knife again. Can I borrow a screwdriver?

- Got another date? - Yeah. Dylan is history.

I'm Katie Holmes post Tom Cruise. I'm getting back out there

and showing the world how fine I am, and I'm taking the kid

and a bunch of weird Scientology secrets with me.

Is there any chance you're ever going to clear this up?

What's the point in cleaning up?

It doesn't matter what we do with our lives,

we're all going to die, anyway.

Jesus, Camus, what's the matter?

Frank got some test results back. Turns out he's terminal.

Sucks!

He was like a grandad to me.

You realise we do have a grandad?

I just wish there was something I could do for Frank, you know,

show him my appreciation for all the cool stories

and life advice and that wicked morphine high.

Well, don't bring him back here.

I'm trying to move on from Dylan and get lucky.

The last thing I need

is a dying old man in my living room cock-blocking me.

Psst, Frank!

Jesus!

Dan? What are you wearing?

It's a disguise. I'm busting you out of here.

You might be terminal, but they can't cage a puma.

It's time for one more adventure.

Dan, this is a hospital. You don't have to break me out.

I'm allowed to leave whenever I want.

Oh. Well, get dressed and let's go.

- Where are we going? - It's a surprise.

Also, I know it's not strictly necessary,

but do you want to put on this wig anyway, just for a laugh?

So...!

I like this place. They do really good ice.

What do you mean?

The ice here is great. It's very cold.

Usually, I don't like cold ice, cos I have a sensitive trachea...

Oh, fucking hell. Look, Sam...

It's actually Sandy.

Whatever. I'm sorry, I've made a huge mistake.

I had the perfect man, and then I just threw it all away

worrying about his stupid ex-girlfriend. I'm such an idiot!

- We all get jealous sometimes. - What? No!

The problem is I went too hard, too fast.

I should've bided my time and sabotaged their relationship slowly

via a series of psychological traps.

24 hours ago, I was in a power couple,

and now I'm stuck here with fucking...

you.

Oh, dear!

I've got to get Dylan back. Sorry, Paul.

So, what do you think?

Why have you brought me here?!

Cos I wanted us to have another adventure together!

At a bloody fairground?

Well, I thought about taking you to this private lodge in Zimbabwe

where you can pay to shoot an elephant in the head,

but it was really expensive.

Also, the videos were pretty horrific.

Look, let's just head back, yeah?

OK, look, I know it's not perfect, but I had to do something.

I just hate the thought of you lying in hospital doing a crossword

and being forced-fed mashed-up pancakes

while just waiting to, you know, die for ever.

Christ! You're taking this worse than I am.

All right, I'll stay.

As long as you promise not to bring up the fact I'm dying any more.

Deal.

What's your favourite-colour candyfloss?

Ooh, wait, don't tell me, I want it to be surprise.

Dylan!

Dylan?

Oh, thank God I found you! This place is mad.

I just saw Bruno Mars and David Suchet sharing a daiquiri.

What are you doing here?

I made a huge mistake and I want us to get back together.

I was being stupid.

I don't care that you and Amy are close or that you sometimes

share a toothbrush. It's like you said, she's part of your soul.

And that's cool. She can be your soul, and I can be your girlfriend.

Is that true, Pickle?

Oh, surprise, surprise, it's Amy.

Look, I'm trying to talk to my soon-to-be-boyfriend-again.

Did you really say that I was part of your soul?

Yeah. You're, like, the most important person to me.

- Really? - Guys, what are you doing? - Well, yeah!

Everyone I've been with since we split has been meaningless.

You have no idea how many civilians I've had to slum it with.

It's been so awful.

I'm standing right here. What the fuck?!

I love you, Pickle.

No. Stop that. Stop that.

Why are you clapping? Stop it!

Dylan, I thought we were supposed to be a power couple!

Thanks for getting me this. I'm going to call him Frank Junior.

It's the least I could do for you, getting me

out of that hospital for a bit. - So you're having a good time?

I mean, I'm shattered, and I'm pretty sure that hot dog I had

has given me heartburn, but, yeah, tonight's been fun.

I told you you'd enjoy yourself. Who doesn't enjoy a fairground?

You'd have to be dead.

- Sorry. - That's all right.

And I don't want to get too soft about it, but I've got to say,

it has been nice having someone to talk to.

I'm glad you shot yourself in the leg, Dan.

Me too. And I know you've only got a couple of months left,

but we're going to make them count.

I'm thinking karaoke, Turkish baths and maybe a road trip to Stonehenge.

What do you reckon, Frank?

Frank?

Frank, are you OK?

Oh, my God!

Excuse me? Stop the ride!

My friend's dead!

Stop the ride!

Excuse me, my friend's dead!

Help! Help!

Hey, sis. How was your date?

Oh, terrible.

I ended up trying to win Dylan back, but he chose Amy instead.

- His loss. - Not really, Amy was super-hot.

I thought you were going to set me up with her at some point.

The one that got away!

I did set you up with her. The double date?

It was literally right here.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Where did you get that toy?

Frank won it for me just before he died.

Wait, he's dead? Are you all right?

Yeah. It's like Frank said. It was just time to go.

Plus, because he died in the fairground they gave me

two complimentary lifetime passes.

Want to go this weekend?

Well, I don't have any more dates lined up, so, yeah, why not?

- Finished with the app, then? - Oh, definitely.

This whole Dylan thing just proves

that it is full of sad acts and weirdos.

Trust me, I could do a lot better.

Hey. Last night was fun.

Shut the fuck up, Sandy.

Bwark!

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