All language subtitles for Siblings s02e02 Golden Aunt.eng

- Have you seen those illegal caffeine pills?
- I took the last three.

I wanted to stay up
and finish writing my graphic novel.

It's about a set
of triplet werewolves

who use their sense of smell
to solve crimes.

Shit, Dan, I really needed those
for work. It's Annual Report Week.

How am I supposed to get through it
if I'm not chemically enhanced?

- What's Annual Report Week?
- Oh!

Every year, we have to spaff out
this massive document

for the stupid shareholders.

It usually means a whole week
of staying late.

- I'm talking 6.30, 7.
- That's insane. - I know.

It's like modern-day slavery,

except with a salary
and health insurance.

Hey, how about this afternoon
you call up the office

and pretend to be my doctor,
say I've got swine flu or something?

I'm always up for impersonating
a doctor, but I can't.

I've got another salsa class
with Mum.

- You and Mum are doing salsa classes together?
- Yeah, it's the worst.

I just don't understand
how such a delicious sauce

can be such a boring activity.

- Well, why did you sign up for it, then?
- I didn't. Mum did.

- Just tell her to fuck off.
- Hannah!

Mum gave us the gift of life.
We owe her everything.

Also, she threatened
to cut off my allowance.

That does sound pretty rough.

God, you're so lucky
Mum doesn't really like you.

- Mum doesn't like me?
- Oops, sorry.

HORN BEEPS

SALSA MUSIC PLAYS
Good, ladies! Very nice.

And left.

And right.

Great. Excellent!

Very good. Keep your bodies
nice and close together.

Daniel,
this is not a difficult step.

- An upright horse could do it.
- I'm trying my best.

Well, try harder.

Now put your hand
on the small of Mummy's back.

Mum, is there seriously no-one else
you can do this with?

I mean, this is so weird.

Everyone else here's
just retired couples.

That's not true.
What about Vivian and Ralph?

And spin.

Yeah, but Ralph's the weirdest guy
I've ever met.

There's nothing weird about spending
quality time with your mother.

I'm going to the bathroom.

I want to remove my bra so I can
let loose for the next number.

Keep your arms still.

- Hello, Dan.
- Oh!

Hi, Ralph. Sorry,
I didn't realise you were there.

I'm very light on my feet.
Unlike some people.

Oh, yeah. Well, I'm just sort of
here as a favour to my mum.

I mean, she breast-fed me
for five years. Least I could do.

If you really want to do your mum
a favour, you should kill yourself.

- What?
- Just saying.

It's the big recital next week

and me and my mum are going to fuck
you and your mum in the ass.

Dude, I told you - I really
don't care about this salsa stuff.

So pathetic. No wonder your mum
doesn't respect you.

She respects me.

- Ow, what the hell?!
- Stop chitchatting.

Now, come on,
let's get on with the practice.

One more time! From the top.

SIREN BLARES

Hey, Lloyd, what's going on?

Someone found a headless corpse
in the lift.

Ugh, gross!

Turns out the company above us was
a front for some Chinese drug ring.

I mean, in retrospect,
that does kind of make sense.

What kind of name
is Business Incorporated?

- So what happens now?
- They're going to do a load of forensics.

Apparently, the office
is shut down for the week.

Kind of messes with your head,
doesn't it?

Something so tragic
happening right where we work.

Yeah, the fragility of human life,
whatever.

Did you just say
we get a whole week off work?

What about the annual report?

Um, I dunno.
I guess it'll be postponed.

Sweet!

Bonus holiday week?
Thank you, Triads.

Daniel, you were by far
the worst dancer in the class today

and Hector
is on his third set of knees.

This week,
I want you practising at home.

I'll try, but I've got a lot on.

I need to redraft the last chapter
of Wolf-Cops.

While I'm paying for your idle life,

I will be the organ-grinder,
you will be my dancing monkey.

God, you even manage to make
a dancing monkey sound boring.

- Shh!
- Brrr!

- Is that a voice
coming from my bathroom? - Shit!

Maybe it's a burglar
and he stopped to take a bath.

Why would a burglar
stop to take a bath?

It might be like his calling card.

He leaves a dirt ring and some pubes
so you know he's been here.

Come with me.

Right, you go in there
and bash him on the head.

Seriously? What if I hurt him?

He is trespassing on my property.

- Now, go!
- Ahhhh! SHE GASPS

- Oh!
- Marion!

And little baby Dan.
What a wonderful surprise.

- For goodness' sake, Leslie.
- Mum, you know the burglar?

- It's not a burglar. It's my sister.
- Oh.

DOORBELL RINGS

Ah, sweet. Just in time.

Oh, er, I didn't order
any Cajun chicken chunks.

- Actually, those come
as part of your meal deal. - Sweet!

You know, this day is shaping up
to be the perfect day.

On the way home,
this guy shouted, "Nice arse," at me.

Then he got clipped by a white van.
Best of both worlds.

At least
someone's having a good day.

My last delivery
turned out to be a prank call.

Now I've got five pepperonis
stinking out my car.

Wait,
you've got five pizzas in your car?

- What are you going to do with them?
- I guess throw them out.

Or you could slide them my way.

You're going to eat
six large pizzas?

What are you, a pizza guy
or a fucking nutritionist?

Ah, yes!

Oh, sorry, I would give you a tip,
but I've only got notes, so...

Dread to ask, Leslie,
but what are you doing here?

Can't a girl stop by
to visit her big sister

and her favourite little nephew?

Look at you, Dan. I haven't seen you
since you were six

and I left you
with those Hell's Angels.

WHEEZY LAUGH

- What have you been doing with yourself?
- Mostly chilling out.

I went to prison for a bit,
which was OK.

I made my own version
of Capri-Sun in the toilet.

Who'd have thought?
Little baby Dan turned into such a resourceful young man.

- I'm proud of you!
- What about you?

What have you been up to
since you last disappeared?

Apart from breaking and entering.

Well, I was a roadie for a bit.

Dog walker. Licensed chiropractor.

Unlicensed chiropractor.

You know, for me, my life is my art.

So, really, the last few years
have been a crazy fucking tapestry.

It sounds like
you've been a very busy bee.

I'm sure
you'll be needing to head off.

Yeah, the thing is, Maz,

um, I'm currently a teensy bit...
What's the word? Um...

...homeless.

I broke up with Spike.

Ugh, that leather-clad
Welsh degenerate.

Well, I was just wondering
if maybe I could crash here

just for a couple of nights,
just till I get myself sorted?

- Absolutely not.
- Oh, wow.

My own sister doesn't care
if I'm sleeping rough.

I'll just find myself an alleyway
and maybe I'll kill a rat

and I'll roast it
over an open wheelie bin.

Mum, you can't let her sleep rough
and eat rats for dinner.

I know what I'm doing.

She waltzes in here every few years
with some sob story

and then won't get lost
until I've opened my cheque book.

- Well, it won't work this time.
- Don't worry, Aunt Leslie.

You can stay with me
for as long as you need.

Dan, you're my hero!

I AM a hero. A superhero.

And mum's the villain -
the wicked Cruelzilla.

- Shut up, Daniel.
- Sorry, Mum.

Welcome to my bachelor pad.

Or, as I like to call it,
Dan-sylvania.

- Cool to sleep on the sofa?
- Oh, yeah, I'm sure I'll manage.

- I once squatted for two months
in a condemned abattoir. - Cool.

Dan, I've had
the most amazing day today.

Someone got killed at the office
and I got some free pizza.

- Look who's here! Aunt Leslie!
- Ohh!

She just broke up with her boyfriend
so I said she could crash with us.

You can take this bangle
as a sort of thank you.

- I found that on Jim Morrison's grave.
- Wow, sweet!

Look at this -
I've got some cool jewellery

and my fun, sexy aunt
to hang out with.

Today, it just keeps getting better.

I thought you said today was going
to be a "paperwork Guantanamo"?

Yeah, but since then,
not a single thing has gone wrong.

I don't want to jinx it,
but I think this might be...

the Golden Week.

- Sorry, what's the Golden Week?
- I'm glad you asked, Aunt Leslie.

The Golden Week is a special,
once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon.

No, please don't do this again.

It's a full week of uninterrupted
luck, prosperity and joy.

And it's my white whale.

Oh, sure, I've come mighty close
more than a few times.

- Hannah, please stop.
- The first being in December 2002.

I was 13.

I won the gold medal at gymkhana

and I went up two bra sizes
in one night.

Then, to cap it all off,

I had tickets to that week's
recording of Top Of The Pops.

Was a young Hannah French giddy at
the thought of being on television?

Just a bit.

But on the very last day
of my Golden Week,

Katie McGuire
accidentally broke my nose in PE.

Top Of The Pops wouldn't let me on
with two black eyes

and my Golden Week was ruined.

But I have a feeling
that Old Lady Fate

may be giving me another chance.

Don't you think you might be
taking this a bit too seriously?

It's just a bunch
of random stuff happening.

No, I think she might be on
to something, Dan.

I've always believed
in unseen cosmic forces sort of guiding us on our journey...

Nah, nah, that's bullshit.

But the Golden Week
is definitely legit.

Look, I'll prove it.

I bought this scratchcard
earlier today.

- There's no way that I can lose.
- That's crazy.

You're crazy, Hannah.

Well, this crazy son of a gun
has just won a two-night stay

at a three-star bed and breakfast
in Swanage, travel not included.

I am invincible!

Swanage...

You know, I was in a real state
after breaking up with Spike,

but hanging with you
these last few days,

I am in a much better head space.

Come on, you're my favourite aunt.

I mean, you're my only aunt,

but you're still number one
in my books.

And that is why I am going to
treat you to a massive spread.

I hope you like fancy cheese.

- Whoa! Did you steal that cheese?
- Could call it stealing.

Or you could argue
that cheese is a natural resource.

It is of the earth.

Like, putting a price on cheese,

that's like putting a price
on oxygen, or oil.

- Yeah...
- Take this bottle of wine.

- Right, what is it?
- Did you steal...?

It's a bottle of crushed grapes.

And yet they expect 12 quid for it.

Can you imagine spending 12 quid
on some crushed grapes?

The way I see it,
ownership is just a concept.

It's just something to tie
free spirits like you and I down.

- That is my whole philosophy.
- Wow!

I always thought philosophy
was, like, what's the point of life?

Or, is it OK to eat toast
if you drop it on the ground?

But I love yours.
PHONE RINGS

Oh, shit. It's Mum.

She keeps calling to check that
I'm practising her dumb salsa steps.

- Let it ring. She'll get the hint.
- Really?

Dan, the world is full of people who
get off on telling us what to do -

parents, clergy...

paramedics.

Sometimes, you've just got to
ignore them and do your own thing.

RINGING STOPS

See? You've always got to trust
your Aunt Leslie.

Be a poppet.

Stick that in the fridge for me.

Hannah, is that you?

Katie McGuire!

Oh, my God! I haven't seen you
since school. How's it going?

Good! How are you?
What are you up to?

Oh, I was just looking up
some horse races.

I'm on a bit of a lucky streak
this week.

I was thinking of putting 300 quid
on Philip Seymour Hoof man.

It's crazy bumping into you.
I was just talking about you.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah, about how you broke my nose in PE.

Oh, God, that was so bad.

There was blood everywhere

and you kept, like,
mumbling about Top Of The Pops?

- I felt like such crap.
- Oh, hey, it was an accident.

I mean, sure,
it did ruin my Golden Week,

but it's not like I think about that
three or four times a week.

Sorry. How about you?
What are you up to these days?

Oh, I'm trying to direct.
TV, promos, that kind of shiz.

I'm actually making
a music video at the moment.

- Have you heard
of that R&B guy, Zeff? - Zeff?

The one who does the songs
about women sweating?

- Yeah, that's the one.
- Oh, my God, I love that guy.

- Yeah!
- That is so cool! - It's a bit stressy at the moment.

We're shooting in, like, two days
and one of the girls we're using

slipped on some baby oil
and dislocated her shoulder.

I'm scrabbling to find a replacement
and none of the agencies...

SHE GASPS The Golden Week.

Katie, listen. Let me
be the replacement. I can do it.

Really? You know we can't pay you,
like, anything, right?

I know this might sound crazy,
but I think that girl's shoulder

snapped out of its socket
for a reason.

So I could star in your music video
and finally achieve a Golden Week.

OK, brill! Although you wouldn't
really be starring in it.

It's just one scene. You'd mainly
be there as eye candy...

Katie, please do not ruin
yet another Golden Week for me!

LESLIE LAUGHS

- Hey, Hannah.
- Oh, hi, Han. Perfect timing.

I need a wazz.
Want to take my place?

SHE CONTINUES LAUGHING

- Dan, you got a ping-pong table?
- Oh, yeah.

Aunt Leslie's mate Big Phil

needed to get rid of some stuff
real quick,

so he gave it to us for ten quid.

- Huh!
- He threw in a bunch of this laughing gas as well.

HISSING
Aunt Leslie is awesome.

She knows so much
about life and philosophy

and how to disable security tags.

Clearly, my Golden Week
is rubbing off on you.

- Are you still going on about that?
- Dan, it's the real deal.

Today, I randomly bumped into
Katie McGuire.

- And get this - she's putting me
in her music video. - Seriously?

Yeah, it's for Zeff's new single -
It's No Sweat (If You Sweat).

Oh, my God!
I've got all his albums.

Slippery When Sweat, Sweat It Be,
You Sweat Your Ass...

Well, I've got the costume fitting
for the vid tomorrow,

so maybe I could snag you
an autograph.

Yes!

Thanks for stepping in
at such short notice.

The shoot should be totes standard -
four, five hours, then you're free.

You could probably
even keep the dress.

A golden dress for a Golden Week.

- Hey, ladies, hope I'm not
interrupting anything. - Hey, Zeff!

Oh, this is Hannah.
She's the girl replacing Monique.

It's great to meet you.
I'm a huge fan.

Nice to meet to, honey.

Listen, Katie, that intern kid
messed up my lunch order again.

He got me a damn prawn salad
and everybody knows that...

I am so sorry, I'll fix it for you.

Thank you, Katie.
You're the greatest.

Absolute pleasure to make your
acquaintance. I'll see you tomorrow.

OK, cool.
I think we're all set here.

- Is there anything else you need?
- Don't think so.

Actually, is that salad
just up for grabs now?

- Um... Yeah, sure.
- Great!

A free lunch and a free dress?

Oh, Golden Week,
you do shine so bright.

SALSA MUSIC PLAYS
And left. And right.

That's great! Excellent!

Very good. Keep your bodies
nice and close together.

That's it...

Daniel, you just trod on my toes.
What's the matter with you?

And why do you smell
like a Dutch strip club?

I'm sorry.
I'm just really hung-over.

Me and Aunt Leslie
had a massive night last night.

What did I tell you
about fraternising with her?

Please... keep your voice down, Mum.

My head is killing me
from all the laughing gas.

Oh, great,
now she's got you doing drugs.

Next you'll be out
on the street corner in minishorts

selling favours to perverts.

Daniel, that woman is a selfish,
destructive imbecile.

She is not an imbecile.
She knows a lot about politics.

Did you know that the Iraq War
was because of oil?

Uh-oh, trouble in paradise.

- Oh, shut up, you weirdo.
- Daniel, don't make a scene.

No, Mum,
and stop telling me what to do.

I'm not a kid any more.
I'm a grown man.

I shouldn't be at a fucking
salsa class with my mum.

I should be hanging out
with my aunt.

Daniel, don't you dare walk out!

You were too good for him anyway.

I'm going to use that fucking ratty
ponytail to garrotte you!

Do you hear me, Spike? Spike?

Ahhhhh!

- Ah! Urgh!
- Everything OK?

It's Spike, my ex.

He flogged the minivan
that we bought together

and he's refusing to give me
my share of the money.

What a dick! We should sue him,
go all Erin Brockovich on his ass.

I don't want
the authorities involved.

I've got a few outstanding warrants.

You know, unpaid parking fines,
impersonating a judge.

- Shit, what are you going to do?
- He's actually on his way.

He's coming over
to drop off my stuff.

Do you reckon
you could stick around?

I could do with some backup
from my big, brave nephew.

HE SCOFFS

I guess I am pretty big and brave.

Aaaah! Fucking hell!

Oh, my God. Are you OK?

Er, I'm on my way
to star in a hot music video,

so I'd say, yeah,
I'm doing pretty well.

Hannah, no of fence,
but you look like total dogshit.

He's right, Han-Han.
You should go back to bed.

- No way. I'll be fine.
It's just nerves. - Nerves?

OK, there is a small chance

that I might have contracted food
poisoning from a free prawn salad,

but I'm not missing this shoot.

This is the crowning glory
of my new Golden Week.

So if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to go be... Hm...

...sexy.

Ooh.

DOORBELL RINGS

That'll be Spike.

- All right, Leslie?
- Hello, Spike.

Did you bring my 500 quid?
Son of a bitch!

I told you, Leslie -
I don't owe you a bloody penny.

I paid for half that van and it
was my idea to use it as a bang bus.

Well, you owe me a grand
for throwing my laptop in the canal.

Come on, Spike,
we're all civilised adults here.

Who's this fucking gangly ballsack?

OK, that's a not a great place
to start negotiations,

but at least
we've got a dialogue going.

How's this for a dialogue?
Both of you can piss the fuck off.

Listen, Spike,
I'm not gunning for an argument.

I just really need the money.

Bloody hell, what is that?!

What are you on about, woman?

BOTH GRUNT

Oh, my God!

- Aunt Leslie, what have you done?
- Oh, don't worry.

I've just chloroformed him.
Right, let's get him inside.

SHE STRAINS

KNOCK ON DOOR

- What's up, Hannah? How's it going?
- Oh, great!

Nightmare getting here, though.

Taxi driver kept trying
to take me to hospital.

- But I am here and I am raring to go.
- Cool beans.

I just came to say
we're a smidge behind schedule.

Zeff said his sunglasses
weren't "trill" enough

and we're not sure what that means,

so we're trying out
a bunch of new pairs.

- Oh. How long's that going to take?
- Not sure. Could be a few hours.

I mean, Zeff's a real perfectionist.

You know, he spent eight months

just choosing the snare
for his track, Pussy Sweat.

- But you're all right
to hang tight right, yeah? - Yeah!

I might just put my head on the floor
here, where it's nice and cool.

- Ohh...
- Are you all right, Hannah? It looks like you're shivering.

With excitement!
I'm living the dream.

OK, cool. Well, I'll come get you
when we're ready.

Tell Zeff I said hey!

Oh!

We can do this the easy way

or we can do it the way
where I beat you with a phonebook.

- What do you say?
- I say go fuck yourself, you crazy mare.

All right, we'll do it your way.

Let's see how stubborn you are
without earlobes.

Dan, where do you keep your knives?

Er...

Dude, I'm so sorry
about this whole kidnap sitch.

I'm sure one day
we'll look back at this and laugh.

Aunt Leslie, um...

don't you think
this is getting a bit too crazy?

Maybe we should just let him go,

give him a Toblerone
to smooth things over.

I'm not going to let him go, Dan.
I want my money.

But didn't you say
money is just an illusion?

Yeah, not when it's mine.
Could you be a poppet?

Can you find me a tea towel
and a bucket of water?

I think I'm going to have a crack
at waterboarding.

Sure.

Get right on that.

Might pop out for a sec.

Don't start the torture without me.

DOOR SHUTS

OK, think sexy, think sweaty.

We're going to get to
the second repeat of the chorus,

look right, look left,

maybe a couple of hair flicks,
we'll clink glasses.

Hannah, did you get all that?

Everywhere is rabbits.

HER STOMACH GURGLES

No more.

Uhh, cool.

OK, I'm just going to check

that make-up are ready
with the fake sweat

and then we should be good to go.

OK, everybody, take five.

Come on, French.
This is your Golden Week.

You're nearly at the finish line.
You can do this.

'Of course you can, Hannah.

'You're the bravest girl
in the world

'and we're all proud of you.'

Right, that isn't good.

RINGS DOORBELL

- Mum...
- Well, if it isn't the dancing Judas.

I'm busy, Daniel, what do you want?

Mum, I really need your help.
I'm in way over my head.

Right, well, I guess you'd better
come in. Wipe your feet.

Oh, and try not to stab me
in the back again, will you?

Oh, my! Caught in the act.

Ralph? What are you doing here?

I needed a new salsa partner
after you so cruelly abandoned me

and Ralph kindly volunteered.

You didn't treat the lady right
and now she's mine.

Her and I are going to be unstoppable
come the big recital.

Mate, literally no-one cares
about the recital.

Mum, Aunt Leslie's in the flat.
I think she's gone insane.

I'm really scared.

It's worse than the time
I got stuck on that ghost train.

Oh, if only someone had warned you
Leslie was trouble.

You were right.
I should have listened to you.

Now can you please fix this for me?

- I want you to say it.
- Say what? - You know.

- Mummy knows best.
- Wonderful.

Now, let's go and lance the boil
that is my sister.

But, Marion, what about us?
What about our rehearsal?

Ralph, you are a stellar dancer

and an even better love-maker.

But I must go and help my son.

Oh.

Cut. Guys, that take was great.

I think maybe
we're done for the day.

Ohh! I did it. Ohh!

- Zeff, you happy?
- I dunno.

- I wasn't feeling it.
Something's not right. - What?!

We need to switch
these two girls around.

What? I thought you said
we were finished.

You're the sweatiest girl here.
You've gotta be by my side.

That's the only way
to make it trill.

If that would be the most trill,
let's just go with that.

Hannah, switch places
and we'll go again.

BELL RINGS

OK, ready? Action!

MUSIC PLAYS

HER STOMACH GURGLES Oh, God.

I've gotta get out.
I've gotta get out.

I... I need to...

Can you stop? Stop...

Look, you have to stop.
I need to get...

WET FART Oh!

What the fuck?!
This girl just shat in the booth!

This ain't trill, Katie!

The Golden Week... is dead.

Ah.

Ah!

Dan, you are back just in time
to see me rub peppers into his eyes.

Maz? What are you doing here?

I'm sorry, Aunt Leslie.
I had to do something.

This hostage thing is crazy

and Hannah would go spare
if she found a toe under the fridge.

What on earth is this all about?

This bastard owes me half a grand.

- Do I fuck!
- Oh, for goodness' sake.

Listen,
I will give you the money myself

if it means you disappear back
to wherever it is you came from.

- Really?
- Take this...

on condition
you keep away from my son.

Babe, it fucking worked!

- Hold it together, Spike.
- What the hell?

Er... Yeah, I'm sorry, Dan.

I'm going to be honest.
This was, like...

a teensy bit of a scam...

and, er, you were the stooge.

But I saw you chloroform him.

- That was literally just a hanky.
- Unbelievable.

- But why, Aunt Leslie?
- I needed the money.

I'm going to use it to get back
my chiropractor's license back.

Or maybe just buy a lot of weed.

Yeah, I haven't decided yet.

Leslie, just take the money
and let's do the mature thing

and agree to never speak again.
- Deal.

And, you know, I've really enjoyed
catching up, Dan.

I mean, we had a laugh.

I mean, a lot of that
was laughing gas, but...

I'm really going to miss you.

- Come on, Spike.
- Pleasure to meet you folk.

I don't know if Leslie mentioned,
but I'm actually in a prog rock band.

We've got a few songs up
on SoundCloud.

Curious Marsupial.

Look us up, maybe share
with your pals. That'd be fab.

Come on, let's go.

Got any Twiglets?

We were had by the best.

Thanks for saving my arse, Mum.

Sorry I dragged you here
all the way for nothing.

Well, I'm sure there's a way
for you to make it up to me.

- Hey, sis. Feeling any better?
- Not really.

I mean, I'm over the food poisoning,

but someone leaked the footage
of me crapping on Zeff

and now it's all over the internet.

Ohh, I'm not looking forward
to work tomorrow.

Why are you dressed
like a bisexual matador?

Oh, yeah, I've got the big
salsa recital with Mum tonight.

I really don't want to go,

but I owe her big-time
after the whole hostage thing.

- What hostage thing?
- Oh, yeah, I didn't tell you!

Me and Aunt Leslie
kidnapped her ex-boyfriend.

She was going to cut his toes off,
but it turned out it was all a scam.

Oh, man! I can't believe
I shit on my favourite singer

AND I missed out on a kidnapping?

This has been
the worst Golden Week ever.

MUSIC: It's No Sweat (If You Sweat)

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0