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This programme contains strong
language.
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00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:08,646
- Sis, check this out.
- Sorry, got to dash. Mum's got a doctor's appointment,
3
00:00:08,664 --> 00:00:11,074
picking up some test results.
- OK, good luck.
4
00:00:11,084 --> 00:00:15,018
Nah, I'll be fine. The only reason I
got the medical in the first place
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00:00:15,033 --> 00:00:16,107
is cos my company are paying for it.
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00:00:16,113 --> 00:00:19,113
It's great - you get the day off
AND a free Pap smear.
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00:00:21,065 --> 00:00:23,059
Oh, actually, speaking of work shit,
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could you maybe do me a favour and
drop this off at my office?
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00:00:25,139 --> 00:00:30,077
- The coffee machine?
- I borrowed it three months ago and now people are starting to ask questions.
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00:00:30,095 --> 00:00:32,173
Mainly, "What happened to that
brand-new coffee machine?"
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00:00:32,182 --> 00:00:35,180
Could you maybe
do me a favour in return?
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00:00:35,193 --> 00:00:40,111
- I'm listening.
- Could I have ?500 for a scooter? - Absolutely not.
13
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It's not just any scooter.
It's the X-Whizz 550.
14
00:00:43,171 --> 00:00:46,137
Crazy idea, but have you
thought about getting a job
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00:00:46,149 --> 00:00:50,155
and then paying for it yourself?
- Yeah, but jobs are SO boring.
16
00:00:50,171 --> 00:00:54,165
Plus, doing all this scooter research
is kind of a full-time job anyway.
17
00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:56,206
No, it's not. And let's be honest,
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00:00:56,215 --> 00:00:59,221
anyone who rides a scooter past
the age of five is an idiot.
19
00:00:59,233 --> 00:01:01,263
Would you say that to
Jeremy Van Blitz -
20
00:01:01,272 --> 00:01:04,262
co-editor of Scooter Weekly?
because I'm on a forum with him
21
00:01:04,274 --> 00:01:08,236
right now and he seems pretty
switched on. - OK.
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00:01:08,251 --> 00:01:11,291
You're not allowed to
use my laptop any more.
23
00:01:27,315 --> 00:01:29,353
Hi, Hannah. I'm Dr Jacobi.
24
00:01:29,362 --> 00:01:31,332
Oh. Hey, doc.
I hope you don't mind.
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A new barbecue place opened
up around the corner,
26
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so I got myself a pulled pork
sandwich.
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I didn't want it to get cold.
Do you want a bite?
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Er, no, thank you. And you probably
shouldn't have any more either.
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00:01:42,414 --> 00:01:46,392
I'll be blunt, Hannah,
you are shockingly unhealthy.
30
00:01:46,407 --> 00:01:50,429
- What do you mean?
- High blood pressure, high cholesterol, high sodium levels.
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00:01:50,445 --> 00:01:55,431
- You have the bone density of
a 90-year-old refugee. - Come on, Doc.
32
00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:58,459
It's got to be some sort of mistake.
I mean, look at me.
33
00:01:58,472 --> 00:02:04,390
- I'm a solid nine... 9.5. I'm in great shape.
- Do you exercise at all? - Not really.
34
00:02:04,411 --> 00:02:06,465
I do have this recurring dream where
Hugh Grant is chasing me
35
00:02:06,474 --> 00:02:11,452
with a machete and I wake up
sweating. Does that count?
36
00:02:11,471 --> 00:02:14,497
Yeah...
I would um, suggest, Hannah,
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00:02:14,509 --> 00:02:20,447
that maybe you need to make some
adjustments to your entire
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00:02:20,469 --> 00:02:23,491
lifestyle, before you end up 35
and getting chest pains every
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00:02:23,503 --> 00:02:26,493
time you bend over to tie
up your shoelaces.
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00:02:26,505 --> 00:02:33,527
I can't believe I'm getting told how
to live my life by some stupid doctor.
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00:02:33,553 --> 00:02:40,497
RETRO LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT MUSIC
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00:02:45,630 --> 00:02:51,534
CHATTER
43
00:02:57,586 --> 00:02:58,624
What's going on?
44
00:02:58,629 --> 00:03:02,631
Oh, um, it's Jasper's birthday
so management's got him a cake.
45
00:03:02,647 --> 00:03:06,677
- Really?
- Yeah. - So they just buy you
46
00:03:06,692 --> 00:03:09,628
- On top of your salary?
- Yes.
47
00:03:10,678 --> 00:03:13,632
- And they do that for everyone?
- Mhm.
48
00:03:13,643 --> 00:03:15,641
And how many people work here?
49
00:03:15,650 --> 00:03:18,652
Oh, I don't know. Maybe 30, 40?
50
00:03:18,664 --> 00:03:21,644
That's like a free slice of cake
every eight days!
51
00:03:22,666 --> 00:03:24,708
I like those odds.
52
00:03:24,717 --> 00:03:27,755
I don't know why my sister's always
badmouthing this place.
53
00:03:27,767 --> 00:03:32,769
Last week, she said it was where
happiness comes to get fucked in the arse.
54
00:03:32,788 --> 00:03:35,746
Oh, this is yours, by the way.
55
00:03:35,758 --> 00:03:40,784
- Is that our coffee machine?
- Yeah. - Sorry, who are you?
56
00:03:40,802 --> 00:03:43,728
I'm Dan. Can you take this,
actually, cos I'm...
57
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I'm going to wish Jasper
happy birthday.
58
00:03:45,791 --> 00:03:48,779
See if I can score another
slice of this sweet cake!
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WITH MOUTH FULL: Jasper!
60
00:03:57,868 --> 00:04:01,786
- Hey, sis. How was your checkup?
- Hmm. Not great.
61
00:04:01,801 --> 00:04:05,791
- Turns out I've got the cholesterol
levels of a competitive hot dog eater. - Is that not good?
62
00:04:05,806 --> 00:04:08,800
Well, apparently, I'm at risk
of obesity, heart disease
63
00:04:08,812 --> 00:04:10,858
and something called gravy lung.
- Shit. Sounds serious.
64
00:04:10,867 --> 00:04:12,873
I've got to start exercising,
drinking water
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00:04:12,882 --> 00:04:14,860
and eating better, which is
bullshit.
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00:04:14,869 --> 00:04:16,875
I mean,
this is a can of chopped tomatoes.
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00:04:16,883 --> 00:04:19,913
It is literally the closest thing to
vegetables we had in the whole flat.
68
00:04:19,926 --> 00:04:22,896
Well, SOME good news for you.
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00:04:22,908 --> 00:04:25,906
- I got a job in your office.
- What?
70
00:04:25,918 --> 00:04:28,868
I dropped off that coffee
maker like you asked.
71
00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:30,910
Loved the atmos,
asked if they had any jobs going.
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00:04:30,918 --> 00:04:33,892
What job could you possibly
get at an insurance firm?
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00:04:33,904 --> 00:04:35,942
You have zero qualifications
and a criminal record.
74
00:04:35,951 --> 00:04:38,981
That's why I got
the job of caretaker.
75
00:04:38,993 --> 00:04:42,951
Technically I'm a cleaner,
but I prefer the title caretaker.
76
00:04:42,967 --> 00:04:45,965
Taking care of business.
Mostly cleaning related.
77
00:04:45,977 --> 00:04:47,991
This morning,
you said all jobs are boring
78
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:49,998
and now you want to be a cleaner?
79
00:04:50,006 --> 00:04:51,964
Try and be happy for me, Hannah.
80
00:04:51,973 --> 00:04:54,039
Yesterday, I didn't have a job.
Today, I'm a caretaker.
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00:04:54,048 --> 00:04:56,982
By next week, I'll be head of NASA.
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Or at least, one paycheque closer to
owning a cool scooter.
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00:05:02,043 --> 00:05:04,035
Aw.
84
00:05:05,081 --> 00:05:11,073
DANCE MUSIC
85
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Ugh! What the hell?
86
00:05:17,069 --> 00:05:18,095
Everything all right?
87
00:05:18,100 --> 00:05:22,110
That guy just drenched this machine
with his gross sweat and he didn't even wipe it down.
88
00:05:22,126 --> 00:05:26,096
I'm trying to get fit, not catch
hepatitis, you fucking animal!
89
00:05:26,111 --> 00:05:30,149
Ooh, yeah! That guy's a real twat!
I heard a rumour that he got banned from the steam room for trying
90
00:05:30,165 --> 00:05:32,123
to squeeze another guy's nut sack.
91
00:05:32,131 --> 00:05:34,129
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
92
00:05:34,138 --> 00:05:37,132
But to be fair, I also started
the rumour, so it might not be true.
93
00:05:37,144 --> 00:05:40,118
- Hey, I'm Lucy.
- Hannah. - Not seen you around the gym before.
94
00:05:40,130 --> 00:05:42,204
Well, I'm only here cos my doctor
said I had to get healthy,
95
00:05:42,213 --> 00:05:47,135
or I might, you know, die.
But I honestly think I'd rather have a massive stroke than spend
96
00:05:47,154 --> 00:05:48,228
three nights
a week around these pricks.
97
00:05:48,233 --> 00:05:51,203
If you hate the gym so much,
there are other ways to get healthy.
98
00:05:51,215 --> 00:05:55,229
- What, like Chinese supplements?
- I was thinking more like sports.
99
00:05:55,245 --> 00:05:57,207
I'm actually on a women's
rugby team.
100
00:05:57,216 --> 00:06:00,198
You should come to a practice.
We're looking for some new blood.
101
00:06:00,210 --> 00:06:02,276
Oh, I don't know. Group activities
aren't really my thing.
102
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- I'm sort of a cool, lone-wolf figure.
- Trust me. It's wicked.
103
00:06:05,258 --> 00:06:08,232
We basically just run
around pummelling each other for two
104
00:06:08,244 --> 00:06:11,290
hours and then spend the rest
of the night getting hammered. - That does sound fun.
105
00:06:11,303 --> 00:06:13,313
Plus I'm using my dad's membership
and it's only
106
00:06:13,321 --> 00:06:17,259
a matter of time before they realise
I'm not a 55-year-old man.
107
00:06:17,275 --> 00:06:18,277
Ugh!
108
00:06:18,282 --> 00:06:20,300
'Moving on to the third quarter
review, er, '
109
00:06:20,309 --> 00:06:24,335
which you'll find on page six, er,
if we've all got that. - Yeah.
110
00:06:24,350 --> 00:06:28,336
Sorry, gang.
Just got to give it a quick tidy.
111
00:06:28,352 --> 00:06:32,302
Um, so I think we can all agree,
there's plenty of room for improvement here.
112
00:06:32,317 --> 00:06:35,311
- Are you going to finish that Danish?
- No.
113
00:06:35,323 --> 00:06:39,343
Er, so the first thing
I want to look at is ways to improve policy integration.
114
00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:43,348
So has anyone got any ideas? Anyone.
115
00:06:44,402 --> 00:06:49,424
Actually, I've got an idea.
Mouthwash. In a can.
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Er, what is that?
117
00:06:51,401 --> 00:06:53,451
You could maybe make like mini
cans of mouthwash.
118
00:06:53,460 --> 00:06:56,438
People out and about, they could just
grab a can, swish it around,
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00:06:56,450 --> 00:06:58,444
chuck it,
go back to whatever they were doing.
120
00:06:58,453 --> 00:07:04,391
Er, OK. Um, but we're an insurance
company. We don't make things.
121
00:07:04,413 --> 00:07:08,403
- Yeah, but you said
there were no bad ideas. - No, I didn't.
122
00:07:08,418 --> 00:07:10,444
Sorry,
could we get back to the meeting?
123
00:07:10,453 --> 00:07:14,471
Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. I'll just
finish up. Pretend I'm not here.
124
00:07:14,486 --> 00:07:18,472
Great. Er, so, um,
policy integration.
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HOOVER
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00:07:20,475 --> 00:07:21,527
Er, one thing that I've...
127
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Feet up, please.
128
00:07:25,548 --> 00:07:29,520
FLUTTERY FLUTE MUSIC
129
00:07:31,503 --> 00:07:33,491
Hannah! Over here.
130
00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:38,566
Hi. Sorry I'm late.
I had to go and get a new gumshield
131
00:07:38,575 --> 00:07:41,549
but they couldn't find any extra
wide ones, so it took ages.
132
00:07:41,561 --> 00:07:44,563
Don't worry, pal. Come on, I'll
introduce you to some of the girls.
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Girls! This is Hannah.
134
00:07:47,561 --> 00:07:52,559
Hannah, this is Hotpot, Swampy,
Jersey Girl and Minge Ninja.
135
00:07:52,578 --> 00:07:54,656
- We've pretty much all got nicknames.
- Nice! What's yours?
136
00:07:54,665 --> 00:07:56,643
Ah, they call me The Camel.
137
00:07:56,652 --> 00:08:00,626
Cos I can drink the most.
And sometimes I kick people.
138
00:08:00,641 --> 00:08:02,619
Um, what's the hold-up, ladies?
139
00:08:02,628 --> 00:08:04,658
Jenny, this is Hannah.
She's a mate of mine.
140
00:08:04,667 --> 00:08:07,621
- She's going to be
training with us today. - OK, whatever.
141
00:08:07,633 --> 00:08:10,615
Can we just break up this little
mother's meeting
142
00:08:10,627 --> 00:08:12,677
and get back to, you
know, practising rugby?
143
00:08:12,685 --> 00:08:15,723
That's Jenny. She's the captain.
Her nickname's Dickhead.
144
00:08:15,736 --> 00:08:19,642
Listen, cos this is your first time,
do you want to just watch for a bit?
145
00:08:19,657 --> 00:08:22,727
No way. I just spent 60 quid on new
boots and a special workout thong.
146
00:08:22,739 --> 00:08:27,689
I want to get stuck in.
Let's do this.
147
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Oof!
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FLUTTERY FLUTE MUSIC
149
00:08:41,747 --> 00:08:42,823
MUSIC FADES
150
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I didn't realise anyone was still...
151
00:08:50,773 --> 00:08:52,775
Er, I forgot some stuff.
152
00:08:52,784 --> 00:08:57,766
And I realised
I needed to clean my teeth.
153
00:08:57,785 --> 00:08:58,869
So my clothes got wet.
154
00:09:00,871 --> 00:09:01,883
But...
155
00:09:04,848 --> 00:09:06,808
Please don't tell anyone.
156
00:09:07,910 --> 00:09:10,902
CHATTER
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00:09:12,895 --> 00:09:14,865
There you go, mate.
158
00:09:14,874 --> 00:09:18,888
Ooh! I think the adrenaline
might be wearing off.
159
00:09:18,903 --> 00:09:21,861
My left earlobe's the only
part of me that's not sore.
160
00:09:21,873 --> 00:09:22,935
Yeah, that's pretty standard.
161
00:09:22,941 --> 00:09:25,911
Don't worry, there's an old rugby
trick to deal with the pain.
162
00:09:25,923 --> 00:09:26,955
Really, what is it?
163
00:09:28,949 --> 00:09:34,893
SHE GLUGS
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00:09:35,940 --> 00:09:38,938
- That.
- Shit, that is fucking awesome!
165
00:09:38,951 --> 00:09:41,013
Lucy, thanks
so much for inviting me. I loved it.
166
00:09:41,021 --> 00:09:44,999
I felt like I got out 24 years
of aggression in two hours.
167
00:09:45,015 --> 00:09:47,997
Well, you know, if you're keen,
you should sign up for the basting.
168
00:09:48,009 --> 00:09:51,951
- What's the basting?
- Well, it's this initiation thing we do for the new girls
169
00:09:51,966 --> 00:09:54,028
who want to join the team.
Prove that you're worthy.
170
00:09:54,037 --> 00:09:56,971
- Tends to get pretty rough.
- Ooh, rough how?
171
00:09:56,983 --> 00:10:00,073
I don't know, like filthy drinking
challenges, humiliating rituals, threats of violence.
172
00:10:00,085 --> 00:10:02,067
Oh, it's like the best
part of the year.
173
00:10:02,076 --> 00:10:06,054
- OK, Lucy. You're on boot duty this week.
- I washed them last week.
174
00:10:06,069 --> 00:10:10,047
- It's Minge Ninja's turn.
- Oh, yeah. Well, you missed three tackles and this is the forfeit.
175
00:10:10,063 --> 00:10:12,033
You know the rules.
Oh, and this time,
176
00:10:12,041 --> 00:10:15,039
maybe don't use that froofy fucking
fabric softness of yours.
177
00:10:15,051 --> 00:10:18,105
Cos not everyone wants to smell
like day-old Battenberg.
178
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:21,076
Jeez! What crawled up her arse?
179
00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:24,146
It's a long story. Basically, me
and Jenny used to go out.
180
00:10:24,158 --> 00:10:27,144
- Oh, really?
- Yeah. But she was mega possessive.
181
00:10:27,156 --> 00:10:30,134
One time she went
mental in Superdrug
182
00:10:30,146 --> 00:10:33,120
because I asked, "Where are the
tampons?" in a flirty way.
183
00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:37,134
We broke up. Now it's super-awkward.
Seriously, it's bad enough seeing your ex all the time,
184
00:10:37,150 --> 00:10:39,188
let alone showering with them
twice a week. - Shit.
185
00:10:39,196 --> 00:10:41,190
That is some hard-core
lesbian drama.
186
00:10:41,199 --> 00:10:45,137
I'm sure it will sort itself
out eventually.
187
00:10:45,152 --> 00:10:48,146
Right, you get changed. Let's go
and hit the pub around the corner.
188
00:10:48,158 --> 00:10:52,222
The barman gives the whole team a
free pint because he's scared of us.
189
00:10:53,251 --> 00:10:55,213
Oh, God! I love rugby.
190
00:10:55,222 --> 00:10:57,264
Maybe it's none of my business
and I don't want you to start
191
00:10:57,273 --> 00:11:00,243
crying again, but how long have you
been sleeping in the office?
192
00:11:00,255 --> 00:11:02,211
- What day is it?
- Wednesday.
193
00:11:03,289 --> 00:11:05,215
Six weeks, then.
194
00:11:05,224 --> 00:11:08,266
- Six weeks?
- It's only temporary.
195
00:11:08,278 --> 00:11:10,252
Things were a bit rocky at home,
196
00:11:10,260 --> 00:11:14,290
so my wife suggested we take a small
break. - What happened?
197
00:11:14,306 --> 00:11:15,328
Did you cheat on her?
198
00:11:15,333 --> 00:11:18,251
Or like get addicted to online poker
199
00:11:18,263 --> 00:11:22,293
and lost all her money
to a Korean card shark? - What? No!
200
00:11:22,309 --> 00:11:26,287
Nothing that drastic. We just
slightly drifted apart lately.
201
00:11:26,302 --> 00:11:28,372
She started taking German lessons.
202
00:11:28,381 --> 00:11:31,331
And I've been busy with my salt
shaker collection.
203
00:11:31,343 --> 00:11:33,301
You collect salt shakers?
204
00:11:33,310 --> 00:11:36,348
Yeah, I know you're going to laugh
at me but the salt shaker combines
205
00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:40,314
practicality and diversity, like
almost no other object in history.
206
00:11:40,329 --> 00:11:43,387
Kevin! I would never make
fun of you for being into something.
207
00:11:43,399 --> 00:11:46,425
I have spent the last month
balls-deep in electric scooters.
208
00:11:46,438 --> 00:11:48,428
- People love what they love.
- Cheers, Dan.
209
00:11:48,436 --> 00:11:52,370
And I can see you're having a rough
time. I'm going to help you out.
210
00:11:52,386 --> 00:11:53,448
- Really?
- Yep.
211
00:11:53,453 --> 00:11:58,379
By the power vested in me as
caretaker, I am officially saying,
212
00:11:58,398 --> 00:12:02,464
you can sleep under your desk
for as long as you want.
213
00:12:02,479 --> 00:12:04,425
Oh.
214
00:12:04,434 --> 00:12:08,408
I thought maybe you were going
to say I could stay at your place.
215
00:12:08,423 --> 00:12:09,427
But thanks.
216
00:12:14,516 --> 00:12:16,486
Coming through. Thank you very much.
217
00:12:16,494 --> 00:12:18,476
Hey, Dan, Dan. Come here a sec.
218
00:12:18,485 --> 00:12:21,523
- I need help coming up with a nickname.
- Cool, what for?
219
00:12:21,535 --> 00:12:25,465
All the rugby girls have got one,
so I thought I should, too.
220
00:12:25,481 --> 00:12:29,475
- So far, I've got Hannah the Hammer.
- Ooh!
221
00:12:29,490 --> 00:12:31,532
- El Jefe.
- Nice. - Iceberg.
222
00:12:31,541 --> 00:12:33,535
Big Mama Bronco.
223
00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:37,530
It's tough. Can you use all of them?
224
00:12:37,545 --> 00:12:40,523
Yeah. Maybe I'll do that.
Hey, what are you doing for lunch?
225
00:12:40,535 --> 00:12:42,561
Do you want to go to that
barbecue place?
226
00:12:42,570 --> 00:12:44,552
- What about your health kick?
- Oh, it's fine.
227
00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:46,630
I'm exercising now,
so I can eat whatever I want,
228
00:12:46,639 --> 00:12:49,641
and then just burn it all off
tackling the shit out of people.
229
00:12:49,653 --> 00:12:52,619
Honestly, rugby is SO great.
230
00:12:52,631 --> 00:12:54,609
I had like six pints with Lucy
and the girls
231
00:12:54,618 --> 00:12:55,636
and then we all got kebabs.
232
00:12:55,642 --> 00:12:59,588
- None of that really sounds like rugby.
- You wouldn't get it.
233
00:12:59,603 --> 00:13:01,681
You're not part of the rugby
culture - like me.
234
00:13:01,690 --> 00:13:03,634
Can you name a rugby team?
235
00:13:06,658 --> 00:13:07,680
Mexico.
236
00:13:07,686 --> 00:13:08,712
Hey, Dan.
237
00:13:08,717 --> 00:13:11,691
Er, I just wanted to say thanks
again for last night.
238
00:13:11,703 --> 00:13:14,641
Hey, no problem, Cake Slice.
Any time.
239
00:13:14,653 --> 00:13:18,695
Er, I actually got you this.
It's a space-shuttle salt shaker.
240
00:13:18,711 --> 00:13:23,725
- I got it out at the convention in Houston.
- That is so awesome.
241
00:13:23,744 --> 00:13:27,754
- Thank you. We are going to get some lunch.
Want to come with? - Really?
242
00:13:27,769 --> 00:13:30,723
- OK. I'll just get my coat.
- Cool.
243
00:13:30,735 --> 00:13:35,693
Why did you invite Kevin? He's a
creep. You know he's got leprosy.
244
00:13:35,712 --> 00:13:36,766
He does not have leprosy, Hannah.
245
00:13:36,771 --> 00:13:39,765
He has a rare genetic disease that
predisposes him
246
00:13:39,777 --> 00:13:42,763
to skin conditions including ringworm
and impetigo.
247
00:13:42,775 --> 00:13:45,733
Since when were you Kevin's fucking
dermatologist?
248
00:13:45,745 --> 00:13:46,791
We talked for ages last night.
249
00:13:46,797 --> 00:13:48,775
He told me
about his crumbling marriage,
250
00:13:48,784 --> 00:13:51,806
I told him about how I'd just
switched to boxer briefs. We really bonded.
251
00:13:51,818 --> 00:13:55,780
And he's going through some
heavy shift at the moment, so cut him some slack.
252
00:13:55,795 --> 00:13:56,805
Oh, fine!
253
00:13:56,811 --> 00:13:58,785
But if you catch some gross
skin disease,
254
00:13:58,793 --> 00:14:00,855
you can't live with me any more.
255
00:14:00,864 --> 00:14:03,870
'It was a great session, ladies.'
Just a couple of bits of admin.
256
00:14:03,882 --> 00:14:07,816
Um, first, can we please stop using
the e-mail thread for personal matters.
257
00:14:07,831 --> 00:14:09,901
Lindsay, I'm sorry your uncle needs
a bone marrow transplant
258
00:14:09,910 --> 00:14:12,880
but strictly speaking, it's not
official team business, OK?
259
00:14:12,892 --> 00:14:14,902
Also, we've got
the initiations coming up,
260
00:14:14,911 --> 00:14:16,921
so all the new girls,
brace yourselves.
261
00:14:16,930 --> 00:14:19,936
And finally, I'm starting to
organise this year's summer tour.
262
00:14:19,948 --> 00:14:22,954
I think it's safe to say that Dublin
was a great success last year
263
00:14:22,966 --> 00:14:24,948
so, hope you're all
up for doing that again.
264
00:14:24,957 --> 00:14:27,963
Or - we could try somewhere a bit
more exotic than Dublin.
265
00:14:27,975 --> 00:14:30,885
I mean,
we've all had Guinness before.
266
00:14:30,897 --> 00:14:33,911
- Right, where exactly
would you suggest, Hannah? - How about Italy?
267
00:14:33,923 --> 00:14:35,001
Loads of sun.
268
00:14:35,007 --> 00:14:38,913
Great food plus the people there are
better looking - guys AND girls, so
269
00:14:38,928 --> 00:14:41,926
there'll be a flavour of gelato for
everyone, if you know what I mean!
270
00:14:41,938 --> 00:14:43,972
Oh, Jenny, I've got to admit,
I'm kind of with Hannah.
271
00:14:43,981 --> 00:14:47,019
I mean, we have been to Ireland
two years in a row.
272
00:14:47,031 --> 00:14:49,973
Yeah, all right. Well, look,
we'll talk about it later.
273
00:14:49,985 --> 00:14:52,007
Anyway, see you next week.
274
00:14:52,015 --> 00:14:54,981
Great practice, guys.
Just one small thing.
275
00:14:54,993 --> 00:14:57,061
Can everyone please start calling me
Iceberg?
276
00:15:00,087 --> 00:15:05,081
RETRO LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT MUSIC
277
00:15:05,099 --> 00:15:08,055
MUSIC FADES
278
00:15:12,107 --> 00:15:15,085
- I know what you're trying to do.
- What, the nickname thing?
279
00:15:15,097 --> 00:15:17,095
Yeah, I'm not 100%
sure about Iceberg either.
280
00:15:17,104 --> 00:15:21,094
I'm talking about you and Lucy.
You think just because you're her latest squeeze, you can
281
00:15:21,109 --> 00:15:24,131
start throwing your weight around.
- Whoa! You're way off the mark.
282
00:15:24,143 --> 00:15:28,161
- Me and Lucy are just friends.
- Oh, really? Well, how come the two of you are such bosom buddies, then?
283
00:15:28,177 --> 00:15:31,139
- Trust me, if I wanted Lucy,
I could have her. OK? - OK, Hannah.
284
00:15:31,151 --> 00:15:34,129
Maybe you should make this your last
training session, yeah,
285
00:15:34,141 --> 00:15:37,135
before things get really nasty.
- Is that a threat?
286
00:15:37,147 --> 00:15:39,209
No, I'm just saying,
I AM team captain
287
00:15:39,218 --> 00:15:43,164
and I can make your life hell.
Starting with the initiation.
288
00:15:43,179 --> 00:15:45,181
Well, I don't mind my life
being hell,
289
00:15:45,190 --> 00:15:47,148
because I'm the fucking devil.
290
00:15:47,156 --> 00:15:50,198
Well, if you're the devil, then
I guess that makes me an exorcist.
291
00:15:50,210 --> 00:15:53,164
Good, because if you're
an exorcist, then I...
292
00:15:53,176 --> 00:15:54,262
Sorry, guys. Can I squeeze past?
293
00:15:54,268 --> 00:15:59,208
RETRO LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT MUSIC
294
00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:04,238
- Thanks for coming with me, Dan.
I don't think I could have faced doing this alone. - Come on!
295
00:16:04,254 --> 00:16:05,296
What are caretakers for?
296
00:16:05,301 --> 00:16:08,279
How does my neck look?
It's not to red, is it?
297
00:16:08,291 --> 00:16:11,221
My eczema tends to flare up
when I get nervous.
298
00:16:11,233 --> 00:16:14,317
You look fine, K-PAX, all right? And
don't be nervous. I've got your back.
299
00:16:18,353 --> 00:16:22,303
- Hello, Kevin.
- Hi, Lorraine. - Hey, I'm Dan. What's cracking?
300
00:16:22,318 --> 00:16:25,292
This is Dan. He's helping me
pick up the rest of my stuff.
301
00:16:25,304 --> 00:16:29,342
Yeah, well, um, it's all
in the garage. I've packed it up.
302
00:16:29,358 --> 00:16:31,328
Wow, you've packed it up already.
303
00:16:31,336 --> 00:16:35,302
I wanted to make this as easy as
possible. It should be all your stuff from the house.
304
00:16:35,318 --> 00:16:39,352
Clothes, books, 200 salt shakers.
305
00:16:39,367 --> 00:16:42,381
It's not too late to start again,
Lorraine. We had some good times.
306
00:16:42,393 --> 00:16:45,375
Remember our trip to Zurich
to see that skin specialist?
307
00:16:45,387 --> 00:16:48,433
- That was fun.
- Yeah, come on, Lorraine. Take him back.
308
00:16:48,446 --> 00:16:52,416
Kevin is one of the sweetest,
smartest guys I have EVER met.
309
00:16:52,431 --> 00:16:55,429
You know he lived in a box
under his desk for six weeks without
310
00:16:55,441 --> 00:16:56,447
getting caught.
311
00:16:56,452 --> 00:17:00,386
What's going on, Lorraine?
312
00:17:00,402 --> 00:17:03,468
- Who's this?
- This is Oliver, my German teacher.
313
00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:06,420
We're um... we're together now.
314
00:17:07,465 --> 00:17:08,503
What?
315
00:17:08,509 --> 00:17:11,447
Is that why you were having eight
German lessons a week?
316
00:17:11,459 --> 00:17:13,497
I'll be honest, most of the phrases
I learned were just
317
00:17:13,506 --> 00:17:16,454
euphemisms involving the word
bratwurst.
318
00:17:17,527 --> 00:17:21,503
Dan, let's go and get the stuff.
My neck's starting to flare up.
319
00:17:24,551 --> 00:17:26,481
Eesh...
320
00:17:26,489 --> 00:17:28,551
What's German for...
(SING-SONG) awkward?
321
00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:29,564
Ungemutlich.
322
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:32,585
Oh!
323
00:17:32,594 --> 00:17:35,556
Trust me, K-man, you'll bounce back.
324
00:17:35,568 --> 00:17:38,564
There are loads of women who will
love a guy like you.
325
00:17:39,597 --> 00:17:41,563
Face it, Dan.
326
00:17:41,572 --> 00:17:45,558
I'm a homeless 38-year-old insurance
analyst with psoriasis.
327
00:17:45,573 --> 00:17:46,593
I am pathetic.
328
00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:50,615
- Hi, Kevin.
- Hi.
329
00:17:52,661 --> 00:17:55,611
Dan, a word, please.
330
00:17:55,623 --> 00:17:56,627
Excuse me, Kevin.
331
00:18:00,599 --> 00:18:02,653
What is Kevin doing here and why
are you giving him a massage?
332
00:18:02,662 --> 00:18:06,624
I am not giving him a massage.
I am rubbing ointment on his back.
333
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:08,714
Just found out that his wife left him
for some German idiot.
334
00:18:08,723 --> 00:18:10,633
I wanted to cheer him up,
335
00:18:10,641 --> 00:18:12,679
so I offered to help him
cream up for the night.
336
00:18:12,688 --> 00:18:15,694
Well, can you please wash your hands
and then get rid of him.
337
00:18:15,706 --> 00:18:18,700
- I'm on high alert for this rugby initiation.
- Oh! Why, when is it?
338
00:18:18,712 --> 00:18:20,710
I don't know.
That's part of the ritual.
339
00:18:20,719 --> 00:18:22,737
All I know is that at some point,
in the next 48 hours,
340
00:18:22,746 --> 00:18:25,716
they're going to grab me, and make
me do a bunch of weird shit,
341
00:18:25,728 --> 00:18:28,738
to prove that I'm teamworthy.
- God, women's rugby is awesome.
342
00:18:28,750 --> 00:18:30,716
- Do you reckon I could join?
- Dan. - Ah!
343
00:18:30,724 --> 00:18:32,722
I'm
going to head back to the office.
344
00:18:32,731 --> 00:18:35,789
OK, um, do you want me to come with?
Got the keys to the boardroom.
345
00:18:35,801 --> 00:18:37,775
We can watch a film on the projector.
346
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:41,748
No, I think I might just curl up
under my desk. Get an early night.
347
00:18:45,755 --> 00:18:47,815
Wait, did he say
he's sleeping at the office?
348
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:53,766
DOORBELL
349
00:18:53,778 --> 00:18:57,844
KNOCK ON DOOR
350
00:18:57,859 --> 00:18:59,849
God, I'm coming.
351
00:18:59,858 --> 00:19:01,810
DOORBELL
352
00:19:03,895 --> 00:19:05,821
What the fuck!
353
00:19:05,830 --> 00:19:06,844
Morning, sunshine!
354
00:19:06,849 --> 00:19:07,867
Lucy, it's 4.00am!
355
00:19:07,873 --> 00:19:10,847
Don't worry, here's a little
something to blow the cobwebs away.
356
00:19:10,859 --> 00:19:12,841
- What is it?
- It's our initiation cocktail!
357
00:19:12,849 --> 00:19:15,883
Three different types of lager
mixed with two different types of sour cream.
358
00:19:15,896 --> 00:19:18,858
And with your drink, your initiation
has officially begun,
359
00:19:18,870 --> 00:19:21,860
so from now on, whatever we say,
you have to do it.
360
00:19:21,872 --> 00:19:22,910
With zero backchat.
361
00:19:22,915 --> 00:19:23,965
What is this? North Korea?
362
00:19:23,971 --> 00:19:26,895
- Ooh! Backchat.
- Give her the penalty.
363
00:19:27,984 --> 00:19:29,908
What is your problem?
364
00:19:36,978 --> 00:19:38,000
KNOCK ON DOOR
365
00:19:38,006 --> 00:19:39,936
Come in.
366
00:19:39,944 --> 00:19:41,978
Wahey! How you doing, buddy?
367
00:19:41,987 --> 00:19:43,989
You haven't left your office
all morning.
368
00:19:43,998 --> 00:19:46,960
Oh, I've just been
cleaning my salt shakers.
369
00:19:46,972 --> 00:19:50,978
Seeing as they're pretty much
the only things left in my life.
370
00:19:50,993 --> 00:19:52,985
You'll never leave me, will you?
371
00:19:55,011 --> 00:19:58,981
Hey, how about we get out of here?
Take your mind off all this stuff.
372
00:19:58,996 --> 00:20:02,002
Thanks, Dan,
but I'm going to stay here.
373
00:20:02,014 --> 00:20:05,048
I might send Lorraine
a picture of me crying, see if that changes her mind.
374
00:20:05,060 --> 00:20:09,070
OK, seriously, K-dog, it is killing
me to see you this bummed out.
375
00:20:09,086 --> 00:20:13,112
- Well, I'll get used to it, I guess.
- No way. I'm the caretaker.
376
00:20:13,127 --> 00:20:17,073
And it is my job to take care of this
office and the people inside of it.
377
00:20:17,089 --> 00:20:19,115
Technically, you're just cleaner.
378
00:20:19,124 --> 00:20:22,110
Look, Kevin. Why do you think
I started working here?
379
00:20:22,122 --> 00:20:25,140
It's not because I love smelling
of industrial toilet cleaner.
380
00:20:25,152 --> 00:20:27,138
It's because everyone here was
so nice.
381
00:20:27,146 --> 00:20:29,176
I've only been working there,
what, two weeks?
382
00:20:29,185 --> 00:20:33,123
But I know that in THIS office,
we buy cake for each other on our
383
00:20:33,139 --> 00:20:37,117
birthdays and we help each other
through our disastrous marriages.
384
00:20:37,132 --> 00:20:39,182
- You really want to help me?
- Big time!
385
00:20:39,191 --> 00:20:44,165
Now, tidy yourself up. I'm going to
tell everyone we both have diarrhoea.
386
00:20:44,184 --> 00:20:46,218
Take the day off, have some fun!
387
00:20:46,226 --> 00:20:48,246
Guys, me
and Kevin have got the squits.
388
00:20:51,227 --> 00:20:55,193
SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC
389
00:20:55,208 --> 00:20:57,232
You may now remove your blindfolds.
390
00:20:58,283 --> 00:21:00,271
Welcome to the basting.
391
00:21:02,248 --> 00:21:05,238
If you worms want to be part of this
rugby team, you're going
392
00:21:05,250 --> 00:21:08,244
to have to prove how much
you want it.
393
00:21:08,256 --> 00:21:11,306
Also there is
a nominal ?30 admin fee.
394
00:21:11,318 --> 00:21:16,240
We have a series of challenges that
are going to push you to the edge.
395
00:21:16,259 --> 00:21:19,293
And remember that if you fail a
challenge, you must drink.
396
00:21:19,305 --> 00:21:22,271
If you answer back, you must drink.
397
00:21:22,283 --> 00:21:25,309
If you start to get sober,
YOU MUST DRINK!
398
00:21:25,321 --> 00:21:26,323
CHEERING
399
00:21:26,329 --> 00:21:28,369
Ha-ha!
400
00:21:30,346 --> 00:21:32,308
It's not too late to give up.
401
00:21:32,317 --> 00:21:34,355
Oh, don't underestimate how stubborn
I can be, Jenny.
402
00:21:34,364 --> 00:21:37,338
I haven't spoken to my cousin
since we were nine and she told me
403
00:21:37,350 --> 00:21:39,380
that my pigtails made my head
look square.
404
00:21:39,388 --> 00:21:42,358
Trust me, I am not giving in.
405
00:21:42,370 --> 00:21:44,384
In that case, welcome to hell.
406
00:21:44,393 --> 00:21:47,423
SHE BLOWS WHISTLE
407
00:21:47,435 --> 00:21:51,361
CHEERING
408
00:21:51,377 --> 00:21:52,431
Come on!
409
00:21:52,436 --> 00:21:56,452
FLUTTERY FLUTE MUSIC
410
00:22:05,476 --> 00:22:10,456
CHEERING
411
00:22:12,459 --> 00:22:13,463
Nice!
412
00:22:15,514 --> 00:22:17,490
Oof!
413
00:22:20,566 --> 00:22:26,518
CHEERING
414
00:22:29,577 --> 00:22:32,559
Wahey!
415
00:22:32,571 --> 00:22:33,599
Wough!
416
00:22:36,612 --> 00:22:39,548
Congratulations.
417
00:22:40,626 --> 00:22:44,632
You have survived the physical tests
and psychological torture
418
00:22:44,647 --> 00:22:47,619
but there is one hurdle left.
419
00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:52,572
Please, remove the covers.
420
00:22:55,588 --> 00:22:56,606
Aw!
421
00:22:56,611 --> 00:22:59,589
To complete the basting and become
an official member of the team,
422
00:22:59,601 --> 00:23:02,671
you must eat a full cooked turkey.
423
00:23:02,684 --> 00:23:07,678
- What does this even have to do with rugby?
- Oh, what's that? Giving up?
424
00:23:07,696 --> 00:23:09,642
No fucking way.
425
00:23:09,651 --> 00:23:17,645
CHEERING
426
00:23:17,674 --> 00:23:19,676
Thanks for today. It really helped.
427
00:23:19,685 --> 00:23:22,751
- I didn't think about Lorraine all day.
- I told you it would help.
428
00:23:22,763 --> 00:23:25,729
There is nothing better than
skiving off work for the day.
429
00:23:25,741 --> 00:23:27,703
It's the best part of having the job.
430
00:23:27,711 --> 00:23:29,693
I know it's early days,
431
00:23:29,702 --> 00:23:33,716
but I feel like maybe
I might be ready to move on.
432
00:23:33,732 --> 00:23:35,730
Well, I'm glad to hear
you say that, K-swizz,
433
00:23:35,738 --> 00:23:37,768
because there's one more thing
I want us to do today.
434
00:23:37,777 --> 00:23:42,737
- Oh, yeah?
- It's at the office. Come with me.
435
00:23:46,775 --> 00:23:51,791
CHATTER
436
00:23:53,835 --> 00:23:57,785
- OK.
- What's-her-name is out. Do I win?
437
00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:01,830
This isn't the fucking Hunger Games,
Hannah. You don't just win because you're the last one. Eat up.
438
00:24:01,846 --> 00:24:04,840
- All right! Chill out, Jenny.
She's probably had enough. - Er, no.
439
00:24:04,852 --> 00:24:06,902
- She hasn't finished the turkey.
- So what? Nobody does.
440
00:24:06,911 --> 00:24:11,837
When you took the challenge, you
had three bites and started crying and throwing up at the same time!
441
00:24:11,855 --> 00:24:13,893
Right, look. I'm team captain now
and what I say goes.
442
00:24:13,902 --> 00:24:15,940
She didn't finish it, so she's not
allowed in the team.
443
00:24:15,949 --> 00:24:18,927
- God, what is your problem, Jenny?
- She's fucking jealous.
444
00:24:18,939 --> 00:24:21,921
She thinks there's something
going on between me and you.
445
00:24:21,933 --> 00:24:25,935
- That is crazy.
- I know. I told her. If I wanted you, I could have you.
446
00:24:25,951 --> 00:24:27,937
- What the fuck!
- Look, Jenny,
447
00:24:27,945 --> 00:24:30,939
you massive prick - at this point,
448
00:24:30,951 --> 00:24:33,977
I don't even give a shit about
getting into your stupid rugby team.
449
00:24:33,990 --> 00:24:39,964
I just want to prove you wrong.
I am finishing this turkey.
450
00:24:39,986 --> 00:24:46,938
SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC
451
00:24:53,993 --> 00:24:55,051
HANNAH GROANS
Oh!
452
00:24:55,056 --> 00:24:57,082
- Are you all right, Hannah?
- It's my chest.
453
00:24:57,091 --> 00:25:00,025
SHE GASPS
I can't breathe.
454
00:25:00,037 --> 00:25:02,007
SHE GASPS
455
00:25:02,015 --> 00:25:03,055
I think I might be dying.
456
00:25:05,106 --> 00:25:08,026
Fuck you, Jenny!
457
00:25:10,111 --> 00:25:14,063
FLUTTERY FLUTE MUSIC
458
00:25:15,095 --> 00:25:19,057
This is all thE
stuff from your old marriage.
459
00:25:19,073 --> 00:25:20,155
And you're going to burn it.
460
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:23,074
What? Are those my salt shakers?
461
00:25:23,086 --> 00:25:25,116
Kevin, if you really want to move on,
462
00:25:25,125 --> 00:25:27,115
you've got to get
rid of this stuff, OK?
463
00:25:27,124 --> 00:25:29,170
They're all just
reminders of your broken marriage
464
00:25:29,178 --> 00:25:32,172
and that creepy German guy who's
screwing your wife now.
465
00:25:32,185 --> 00:25:35,209
Also, I know that I said
salt shakers were cool, but...
466
00:25:37,169 --> 00:25:39,179
I mean, it is a bit weird.
467
00:25:39,188 --> 00:25:42,146
I mean, you were like talking to them
and stuff.
468
00:25:42,158 --> 00:25:45,168
- So you want me to set fire to them?
- Look, it works.
469
00:25:45,180 --> 00:25:48,218
When my parents split up, Mum set
fire to both of Dad's cars
470
00:25:48,230 --> 00:25:52,164
and she was much less crazy after that.
- You really think it could help?
471
00:25:52,180 --> 00:25:53,186
Definitely.
472
00:25:53,191 --> 00:25:55,245
As the old caretaker saying goes,
473
00:25:55,254 --> 00:25:58,258
the job ain't done
until you take out the trash.
474
00:26:03,293 --> 00:26:06,249
OK. Yep, let's do it. Ah!
475
00:26:10,308 --> 00:26:11,328
Ooh!
476
00:26:14,274 --> 00:26:16,292
How do you feel? Better, eh?
477
00:26:16,300 --> 00:26:19,342
Well, I've got to admit,
it is kind of cathartic.
478
00:26:19,355 --> 00:26:24,341
I mean, if I can let
go of my collection after all these years, I can do anything, right?
479
00:26:24,359 --> 00:26:26,317
See? I told you, man.
480
00:26:26,326 --> 00:26:28,300
And you know, I think tomorrow,
481
00:26:28,309 --> 00:26:31,367
I'm going to start looking
for a place to live. A real place.
482
00:26:31,379 --> 00:26:34,337
Not the office.
483
00:26:34,349 --> 00:26:37,331
Wow! That fire really is going up.
484
00:26:37,343 --> 00:26:39,397
Yeah, well, a lot of the salt shakers
were made of porcelain.
485
00:26:39,406 --> 00:26:44,424
I wanted to make sure they went up
so I chucked in a bunch of flammable stuff from the cleaning cupboard.
486
00:26:44,443 --> 00:26:45,447
Really?
487
00:26:48,420 --> 00:26:50,426
Oh, my God, Kevin! You... You...
488
00:26:50,435 --> 00:26:53,413
- Argh! ARGH!
- You...
489
00:26:53,425 --> 00:26:57,469
KEVIN SCREAMS
490
00:27:05,465 --> 00:27:07,471
Of course it's medical malpractice.
491
00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:12,522
Well, maybe I do have a solid legal
case and you're just a shit lawyer. Hello?
492
00:27:12,541 --> 00:27:15,491
- Fuck!
- Hey, how was your first day back?
493
00:27:15,503 --> 00:27:19,481
Yeah, fine. Except for I can't find
a lawyer to help me sue this fucking quack doctor.
494
00:27:19,496 --> 00:27:20,506
Easy, sis.
495
00:27:20,512 --> 00:27:23,498
- You've just had a heart attack.
- It wasn't a heart attack.
496
00:27:23,510 --> 00:27:25,524
It was an acute gastric episode.
497
00:27:25,532 --> 00:27:28,526
Either way, if it wasn't for him
being all like, "Ooh, get healthy!"
498
00:27:28,538 --> 00:27:30,544
Then none of this would have
happened.
499
00:27:30,553 --> 00:27:32,599
- How come you're not in uniform?
- Oh, I just quit.
500
00:27:32,608 --> 00:27:36,574
Yeah, got my first pay cheque
yesterday and finally bought myself that scooter.
501
00:27:36,589 --> 00:27:39,527
Yeah, but that doesn't mean you
have to quit your job.
502
00:27:39,539 --> 00:27:40,625
You can just keep earning money.
503
00:27:40,631 --> 00:27:42,609
Why? I don't need two scooters.
504
00:27:42,618 --> 00:27:46,620
Plus the whole workplace
environment's pretty awkward at the moment.
505
00:27:46,635 --> 00:27:49,583
Kevin's been really weird with me
all week.
506
00:27:51,588 --> 00:27:52,610
Hey, K-dog.
507
00:27:52,615 --> 00:27:55,603
How's the new flat looking?
You going to have a housewarming?
508
00:28:00,650 --> 00:28:03,654
- Do you see what I mean?
- I told you that guy was a creep.
509
00:28:03,704 --> 00:28:08,254
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