All language subtitles for Siblings s01e04 Laser Eye Date.eng

Where'd you find those croissants?
I didn't find them, I bought them.

Come on, Hannah, please?

This isn't even cereal. It's just
a bowl of milk and basmati rice.

You can have a croissant
if you promise to pay rent,

or even just stop using
my conditioner.

I think I'd rather just not pay rent
and have very silky hair.

What are you reading?

Lovin' It Magazine.
Real life stories and celeb gossip.

Did you know Jessica Biel
only drinks Raccoon's milk?

Oh, look, there's an article
here about a couple who run

an erotic sex dungeon.

They've got swings,
and a hydraulic dildo machine,

and...a fingering grotto.

Wait, why would you need
a whole grotto just for that?

Not for me, I'm afraid.

Never been into any of that
fancy, kinky stuff, you know?

Bondage, condoms, role play.

Sorry, did you just say condoms?

What do you mean
you're not "into" condoms?

I don't really wear them,
just keep it simple.

Call me old-fashioned!

You're not old-fashioned,
you're a fucking idiot.

Mum, tell him
he's got to wear condoms.

She's right.

Danny, you've got to wear
protection. I mean it.

If you knock up some tramp, I'm not
going to pay to help get rid of it.

And you should get yourself
tested as well, before you

end up some syphilitic mad man
wandering around Lidl in a nappy.

I mean, I don't think
that sounds so bad,

but FINE - I'll go tomorrow.

You know they're going
to stick stuff up there?

Like, wide, rigid stuff.

Hannah, stop taunting your brother,
it's tedious.

And I need you
to pick me up tomorrow.

What? Why? Why can't Dan do it?

I mean, look at him...

No, I'm not giving
you any more lifts.

You always sit in the back
treating me like I'm your chauffeur

and then you call me a loser
for driving the speed-limit.

I suppose it's not very important.
I'm only having surgery.

Surgery? Are you dying?
Is it your heart? Leprosy?

Is it hereditary? Is it something
I need to be worried about? It's leprosy, isn't it?!

I'm not dying. It's a very common
operation for women my age

but I do need someone
there afterwards, OK?

Good. Now, give your brother
a croissant, for God's sake.

Yes! I win, you lose...

ITALIAN ACCENT:
That's one SPICY meat-a-ball!

I thought you said no taunting?

I know, but it's sort of funny
when he does it to you.

This is bullshit, Mum.
I cannot believe you tricked me.

Hannah, please keep it down.
I've just had surgery.

Yeah, laser eye surgery!

I thought it was something serious,
not some dumb cosmetic procedure.

My self esteem is not dumb.

Believe me, nothing kills the
sexual mojo more on a hot date

than pulling out a pair of bifocals.

I don't want to hear
about your mojo.

Hannah, I have
a very active social life,

whether you like it or not,

which is why I will be needing you
to assist me for a couple of days.

Until the blindness wears off.

Assist you?

Help me run errands, get me
to appointments.

You'll be my...

seeing eye daughter.

First, we need to pick up my
bed and drop it at your place.

Also, we need to pick up
some dry-cleaning.

Then yoga,
before coffee with Lucinda.

I have a bra-fitting at three.

Ooh, and it's my turn to host
cocktail night for the girls.

But what about my life?

I've got stuff planned
for this weekend too.

Like what? My blog.

You haven't updated
that thing in nine months.

Come on, Hannah, chop chop.

Mum! Do you have to?

OK, I just want to go over
a couple of things.

Next to "Number of sexual
partners in the last six months"

you've put
seven question marks?

Well, a gentleman never tells.

OK, sure.

But you do realise you
actually have to tell me?

Oh, right, yeah. Um...

none. Oh, cool.

Right, so if you just pop your
trousers down and lie back for me.

Sweet tatt. What does it mean?
Something mystical and deep?

No, it's Thai for "public restroom".

I got it done at
the Full Moon Party when I was 17.

Cough.
HE COUGHS

Yeah, my mum went ape-shit
when she saw it.

My mum would never let me
get a tattoo.

She says they only look good
on Polynesian men.

Yeah, I sort of regret mine,
but I don't know...

We all make mistakes, don't we?

You might as well keep
a record of some of them.

Right, all done.

Now, Dan...

..I'm afraid we're
going to have to amputate.

What?!

I'm screwing with you, you're fine!

Just head next door, and the nurse
will take some blood. Right.

Maybe it's just because you were
touching my genitals

a second ago, but I kind of felt like
there was a connection between us.

I don't know if maybe you want
to get a drink or dinner later?

Oh, I don't know... It might be
considered a bit unprofessional?

I won't tell anyone, I promise.
Just maybe my sister.

Yeah, OK, why not?

Here is my number.

Wow, a number and...

120 condoms?

Yeah, I get them free.
It's one of the perks of the job.

Brilliant.

ICE RATTLES

Hear that, Hannah?

That's the sound of you
not getting me a drink.

I literally just got you one.

The doctor said I had
to drink plenty of fluids.

I don't think
he meant vodka and soda.

Dan, are you going to help me
with Mum or what?

Sorry, I've got a date.

I met an amazing girl
at the STI clinic.

You picked someone up
at an STI clinic?

That's like going for
a buffet at a sewage plant.

Don't worry, she just works there,
she hasn't got anything.

She's like the manager
of the sewage plant.

A funny, sexy manager,
who's also a doctor.

AIR HORN BLARES

What was that?

Mum made me download her
an air horn app to her phone.

Dan, she's even worse
when she's blind.

I've been driving her round,
making her drinks.

She even made me read to her.
That doesn't sound that bad?

The only things
she's got on her Kindle

are self help books
about the menopause

and a collection
of poems by Debra Meaden.

I didn't even know
she wrote poems.

Well, I wish I could stay and help

but I've got to get ready
for this date.

I think I really like STI girl.

Well, probably don't call her that.

Good advice.
I'm going to go take a shower.

Is it cool if I use
your conditioner again? No.

Great, thanks.

AIR HORN BLARES

So when did you first know
you wanted to work with genitals?

Oh, well, um...

STI's weren't my first choice.
I was kind of more into orthopaedics.

What's orthopaedics?

Oh, it's like
broken bones and shit.

You get paid to literally drill
bolts into old ladies' hips.

Holy shit! You're basically
making real life Wolverines.

Why didn't you just do that?

Well, I kind of slightly
fucked up med school.

It's actually really hard to take
an exam when you're in a K-hole.

Even multiple choice.

Well, at least you finished uni.
I left after seven months.

Oh, you dropped out?

Dropped out, kicked out...

There was a lot
of confusion at the time.

Basically, me and my friends
thought we could save money

by making our own eggs
instead of buying them,

so we got, like, five chickens
and kept them in the garden,

but they turned out
to be male chickens,

so, instead of laying eggs,
they just sort of...

constantly fought each other.

One thing lead to another

and soon people started betting
on which chicken would win, so...

You started a cock-fighting ring?

By accident. But, er...

yes.

Wow, we are both fuck-ups.

Here's to fucking up.

Get your dick out.

Excuse me?

Come on, do it.

Are you sure?

This is a pretty classy restaurant.

I mean, they don't even do
bottomless drinks or anything.

Trust me.

Get...your...

dick...out.

OK.

HE GASPS

Would you like to see
a dessert menu?

WOBBLY VOICE: We're fine, thanks.

Actually, do you guys
do a cheese board?

AIR HORN BLARES

Yes, I'm doing it, OK?!

Whoa, why's there so much food out?

Mum wanted breakfast in bed,
but after three batches,

the eggs still aren't
"Benedict" enough.

I don't even know what that means.

Well, can I have this, then?

I worked up QUITE an appetite
last night...

Yeah, fine.

Thanks...

What, with my date last night,
I am just...SO hungry.

I mean, I thought I was
hungry last night on my date...

Do you want me to ask you how
your date went? Yes, please.

How did the date go?
Two words... Foot. Job.

Actually, that might be one word.

The point is,
I got a footjob and I'm in love.

That is so unfair!

I get stuck with Stevie Wanker
and her entourage,

while you're out falling in love
and getting footjobs.

I want a footjob!

I know what'll cheer you up.

STI Girl's having a house party
tonight. You should come along.

Oh, my God, that would be amazing.

Seriously, I'm on the edge.
It would be so good to spend

some time with some normal people,
instead of...

AIR HORN BLARES
Oh, what about Mum?

If we're both going,
who's going to look after her?

She'll be all right, won't she?

We can just put some food
in a bowl and lock the door

so she doesn't wander out
into the street.

She's not a dog, Hannah!
I know!

We'll put the bowl on a table.

Why don't we just take her with us?

I mean, Izzy said
the more the merrier.

Besides, she's not that bad...
AIR HORN BLARES

Hannah, if you're going
to ignore the app

then it was
an utter waste of money.

Either pay attention
or reimburse me the 69 pence.

it's your call.

All right, let's party.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hello. Sorry, do I know you?

Oh! Hi, pal! You made it.

I've got this.

That's my flatmate, Pete.
He is a twat. Oh, cool.

This is my sister, Hannah
and my mum. They're not twats.

Oh...you've brought your mum!

What's happening? Where are we?

She's not really blind.

So, do you want to go grab a drink,
or chat about bones some more?

We could rate them,
best to worst? Skull, rib, leg bone?

Actually, I've have to go
check on my mate Johnny,

because he's just failed
his driving test

and he's super depressed but
there's drink in the kitchen, yeah?

Hannah, where the hell
have you dragged me to?

I thought we were meeting
the girls for spin class? We're at a house party, Mum.

I tricked you just like you
tricked me into taking care of you.

OK, very good, you tricked me.

Well done. I'll buy you a crown,
or a biscuit or something.

Now, can we please leave?
No, we're staying.

I've spent all weekend
helping you out,

but tonight, it's Mama's
turn to let her hair down.

By 'Mama', I mean me, not you.

Fine, I'll walk home,
or I'll call the police

and have you arrested
for kidnapping.

Look, relax, Mum.

Hannah!

Here's your vodka and...

here are some Doritos.

Sit tight, I'll see you
in about three hours?

Don't you dare walk away! Hannah?!

All right? Who do you know here?

Oh, um, do you know Izzy?
Yeah, we met yesterday...

We actually went out
for dinner and um...

Well, let's just say
we 'hit it off'.

I mean, a gentleman never...

Did she do the foot thing?
It's amazing, right?

They're like an extra pair of hands.

Sorry, how do you guys know Izzy?

Oh, I've known her for ages.

We actually used
to have a bit of a thing...

Yeah, me and Izzy
went to college together...

and sort of had a thing.

I accidentally ran over her dog
a couple of months back...

and then we sort of
had a thing.

Had a thing, yeah. Cool, cool...

So you've all had
'things' with Izzy?

Cool, cool.

That is just...so cool.

Hi. Sorry, did you just
get that from the cupboard?

Yeah...
I'm usually more into white,

but, you know, beggars can't be
choosers. Do you want a glass?

Well, no. Actually, I live here,
and that's not really party wine.

What do you mean it's not
party wine? It's WINE at a PARTY.

Yes, but guests were meant
to bring their own drinks.

So if you could put that back...
Mate, I've just spent all weekend

looking after my blind mum, OK?

I'm just trying to let my hair down.

I don't even know who you are.

You can't just go
rummaging through my stuff.

Stop wigging out,
it's just a glass of wine.

It's not like I took a pair
of your dumb pink trousers.

These trousers are not pink.
They're rustic fuchsia.

Just give me the glass, you lunatic.

If you want this glass of wine, you
will literally have to murder me.

Give me the bloody glass!

What is your problem, mate?!
God's sake!

Hannah!

Hannah, is that you?
Oh, no, you're too thick...

Mum?
Hannah! Oh, thank God it's you.

Why are you going around
groping people?

I told you to sit still.

And I told you I didn't want
to spend the evening

with your abhorrent friends.
As soon as you left,

a group of boys started trying
to write GILF on my forehead.

Trust me, the people at
this party are not my friends.

Some wine Nazi in the kitchen
started having a go at me

for absolutely NO REASON!
And no-one even stood up for me.

I'm just glad mobile phones
are going to make everyone

in this generation infertile.

This guy in the kitchen was all,
"Oh, I live here, I live here."

It's like,
"We all live somewhere, mate.

"There's no need
to be a dick about it."

I wish I could teach him a lesson.

I should scratch the word
twat into all his DVDs.

Hannah, that's not how I raised you.

If you want to be vindictive,
at least do it properly.

This was a genius idea.

I mean, what's the point of
inviting people to your house,

if you're just going
to be shitty to them?

Well, what can I say?

Some people are just
born with no manners.

Wow, you're really good at that.

You're like the David Blunkett
of petty vandalism.

I can't wait until he goes to
buy more of his precious "wine"

and his junk's all hanging out.

You know,
when I first met your dad,

I cut nipple holes
in all of his jumpers.

What?! How come?

He was throwing a barbecue
and he made some joke

about my Thin Lizzy jacket,
so I thought I'd get even.

How have I never heard this story?

Oh, I've got dozens of stories
much better than that.

Do you know I took
Fat Boy Slim's virginity?

Fuck off!

I mean, that was before
he got into music.

He was still thinking
about becoming a cartographer.

Mum! Seriously, we should get
these all down and send them

to Lovin' It. You know
that real-life stories magazine?

They love this shit.

Well, you sort it all out,
I'll open my gossip floodgates.

You know, I thought this party
was going to be a total washout,

but I'm actually having
a really nice time.

Now, we should go and pour bleach
over all of his trainers.

LOUD MOANING

Hey...

Hi, Dan.

Oh... Dan, I'm a bit...busy.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure...

I just wanted to see
if you were having a good party.

Oh, yeah. Great, me too.

I'm loving the playlist.
A lot of great tunes.

Look, Dan,
it's not really the best time.

Oh, yeah, no, sure.

I guess, I'm just sort of wondering
what this means for us exactly.

Oh!
Well, there wasn't really an 'us'.

What about last night?
Dinner...and the foot stuff?

Oh! look, Dan,
you're a really nice guy

and yesterday was a bit of fun,
but that's all.

I'm not really looking
for anything serious.

OK...

I'll probably just be off, then.

Actually, that's my coat, just...

This one, yeah? Yeah.

Here you go, mate. Thank you.

Sorry about the driving test.

Oh, I'll get 'em next time!

Sure.

And this...
Do you want it open or...?

Closed. Closed.

OK.

Goodbye, Izzy. Bye.

Nice to meet you, Johnny. Yep.

MUSIC: "Never Ever"
by All Saints

DAN SINGS ALONG IN A SAD VOICE

Dan, have you seen my magazine?
I want to show it to Mum.

You know Fat Boy Slim
might be my dad?!

What? Last night,
me and Mum got super drunk

and trashed this guy's wardrobe.

It was awesome. It was like
being in a normal family for once.

Well, I'm glad you two had fun...

because I had my heart ripped out
and chewed up in front of me.

What happened? I saw Izzy
having sex with another guy.

Pornography lied to me, Hannah.

Watching other people have sex
is actually really depressing.

OK, children, I'm off.

Oh, no, Mum, I thought we could go
through those magazine stories?

If they buy one, we get ?35.

Hannah, my vision is back,
I've got a lot to catch up on.

OK, well, what about tonight?

I thought maybe we could,
you know, hang out?

I don't want to see you tonight.

The girls and I have
got a Tae Kwon Do class

with the delicious Sensei Chris.

Bye, Daniel.

Bye, Mum.

This might be the last time
I ever see you,

because someone
has murdered my soul.

What's wrong with him?

I don't know. Some girl thing.

Izzy's gone.

No more laughs,
no more love, no more foot-fun.

Daniel, you'll get nowhere
in life feeling sorry for yourself.

If somebody offends you at a party,
you ruin their trousers.

If you lose the love of your life,
you do something!

You don't just whine about it,

like some idiot who's unhappy about
their neighbour sunbathing topless.

It's my damn roof-terrace. I'll
sunbathe however I bloody want to.

Oh, my God, you're right, Mum!

Not about the sunbathing stuff,
that was weird,

but I've gotta do SOMETHING.

Just because the girl I love
was having sex with another guy

in front of me, doesn't mean
we shouldn't be together!

See? This is what
family is all about.

Dan?! I'm in the middle of...

I want to say something.

Sorry, dude,
this will take one second.

I think I'm in love with you, Izzy.

I close my eyes and I can see us
growing old together,

and giving each other footjobs
until the day we die.

Dan, I told you, I'm not
looking for anything serious.

We're just not
on the same wavelength.

What do you mean?

You keep talking about love
and growing old together.

You brought your mum to my party.

I'm young. I want to have fun,
I want to experience stuff...

and you're just a bit...vanilla.

Vanilla?! Yeah.

I'm not vanilla.

Would a vanilla do this?

Has this been used?

Er, no. Thank God.

Please just give me another chance.

Come round my place tonight
and I will prove I'm not vanilla.

Well, I guess if you're willing to
risk a mouthful of herpes

just to prove a point, then maybe
you deserve one more shot.

Trust me, you will not regret this.

OK, well, can I get back to...

Yeah, sorry, of course.

Good luck, man.

I am so sorry...

So breathe in...

..and out.

Remember, it's all about
channelling your inner quiet.

Oh, sorry, I'm late, gang!

Hannah, what are you doing here?!

I signed up for the class! What?!

We had fun last night.
I just thought we could, you know,

recapture the magic. Plus,
you know how much I love fighting!

Sorry, are you here for the class?

Sensei, this is Hannah, my daughter.

You're wearing a black belt.

Oh, yeah. This is a second-hand kit.

I got it last-minute
off a guy on Gumtree.

He also threw in...

My God, Hannah! Put that away!

Relax, Mum, I do know
what I'm doing.

Can we please stop messing around

and get back
to the class, ladies?!

Yes, Sensei. Yes, Sensei.

Fantastic(!) Sensei Chris is
exactly my type, now he hates me,

AND he knows I have a daughter.
Thank you(!)

DOORBELL RINGS

Hello...

Hi, Dan.

..and welcome to Sextopia.

So, we've got...

a sex swing.

Stolen. Not sure how much
weight that can take,

but I'm pretty sure it's safe.

Some sexy lingerie...

This is all just
for show, by the way.

Most of it's my sister's...

And finally, a sexy buffet.

Champagne,

a bowl of red gummy bears -
the most romantic ones -

a bowl of green gummy bears -
the most delicious one...

I've even got ice cubes
in the shape of dicks.

This is actually
weirdly impressive.

Yeah? So, you'll stay?

Why not? No-one's ever stolen
a child's swing for me before.

Awesome! Let's do this.

I've always wanted to do that.

Let's pair up for sparring.

You and me, Mum?
Promise I'll go easy on you.

Or will I? No, I will.

It's all right, Hannah, I think
I might be going with someone else.

What? You don't want
to be my partner?

Is this because I asked Sensei Chris

how much money Senseis make
in a year?

Frankly, you're cramping my style.
I'd prefer it if you left.

What the hell, Mum?

I just spent all weekend
being your man-servant

and now you're telling me
to piss off? I'm sorry, but this is MY time

and having my daughter tag along
sort of spoils it.

I thought we'd made a fresh start.

You know, cutting up those clothes,
gossing about Fat Boy Slim.

Maybe I was wrong,
and maybe I should go fuck myself.

My own mother wants me
to fuck myself!

Hannah Mary French, please shut up!

Listen, if it'll stop you whingeing,

maybe I'll give you a story
for that magazine of yours.

If they print it,
we can split the money 70/30.

It was my idea. Fine, whatever.

Now, can we crack on
with the sparring?

Sensei Chris is watching.
I'd love to impress him,

see what he's got under that
black belt. That's kind of gross,

but I'm really glad
we had this talk...

Argh!

Great technique, Marion.

Thank you, Sensei.

Where are you going?

I've got a little surprise.

What the fuck is that?

This is a hydraulic dildo machine.

I read about it in a magazine.

Now, I don't actually know
what hydraulic means,

so I just hooked up two
vibrators to a car battery.

Oh, my God!

Wait, why are there two vibrators?

One for him, one for her.

Dan, that looks
kind of dangerous.

BATTERY HUMS
Why is it making that noise?

Whoa, who's vanilla now, missus?

Trust me, this thing is totally safe.

I watched a YouTube tutorial.

Not on this exactly.

It was about car batteries
in general, but I got the gist.

We just have to sit back
and enjoy the...

Oh, my God! Dan, let go!

I can't!

How do I turn it off?! I don't know,
I didn't finish the tutorial!

Oh, my God,
what have you done to the flat?

Is that my underwear?

Oh, yeah. I turned the place
into a sex dungeon for Izzy.

We nearly had sex
but then I electrocuted myself.

What?

Yeah, I think I might give it
a few weeks before I text her again.

Play it cool.

What happened to your nose?

Mum and I had a really great chat
and then she kicked me in the face.

Do you want an ice dick for that?

No, no, I don't.

Could you get my underwear
off the ceiling.

First thing tomorrow.

Fine, I'm going to bed.

Now Mum's gone,
I can finally get my room back.

Ah, I wouldn't go in there
if I was you.

That was supposed
to be the fingering grotto.

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