Original subtitles

Yeah, I dumped her, mate. Yeah, I'll take a flat white with those, and...

throw in a couple of them double chocolate muffins as well.

No, take your time, idiot!

No, she was mental, mate.

I got her saved in my phone as Psycho-Bitch.

LAUGHS Wow, sexist AND slow.

Finally! Could I get a double-chocolate muffin?

Sorry, we just sold the last two.

You don't have any more left? No, sorry. Unbelievable!

Hi, excuse me. I was in the queue behind you

and I was wondering if I could have one of your muffins?

What? Yeah, well, you got the last double-chocolate ones,

and I kind of always get one in the morning.

Helps kick-start my day.

I do crash pretty soon afterwards because of the sugar,

but it'd be great if I could get one of yours?

Yeah, all right.

Thank you! Yeah, for a tenner.

You want me to pay �10 for a muffin?

Supply and demand, darling.

Ah, fine, but I am only agreeing to this

because I'm already two hours late for work.

Nice doing business with you, sweetheart.

You too.

Oh, and don't call me sweetheart, you dick, it's fucking rude.

Hi, take a seat, Dan.

Cheers.

And before we kick off, I just want to say,

the girl at reception, what's her deal?

Like, is she seeing anybody, or...?

I think she's got a boyfriend. Cool.

And is it, like, a long-term thing or a more chilled out,

"You can sleep with who you want, just don't get gonorrhoea"

type of vibe?

It's fine, I'll ask her myself on the way out.

Take it away.

Well, Dan, so, the temp agency sent through your CV and, er...

this is rubbish, right?

Uh, well, I might have stretched the truth in places, but...

You speak 34 languages.

You co-founded Ask Jeeves

and your last occupation is listed as..."prison".

Full disclosure - last year I was briefly in prison.

But before you ask, yes, it was for a non-violent crime.

And no, I was not sexually assaulted while I was in there.

D'you know what?

The job's yours. Really?!

Yeah, what the hell?

Yes! I mean, all you've got to do is hold this...

The pay's �6 an hour and you start tomorrow.

Ah, problems. Supposed to be taking the next couple of weeks off

to organise a Harlem Shake video. What?

I did try and make it clear on the CV.

See, just under where it says I wrote the lyrics to White Flag.

By Dido.

WHIRRING

Dan what are you doing?!

Hey, Sis. I specifically told you not to touch any of my food.

No, Hannah, you said I wasn't allowed to EAT any of your food,

you didn't say anything about drinking it,

so I made smoothies instead.

That's literally the dumbest thing I've ever... It's a liquid lunch.

Right, I'm sorry, Dan, I don't care

if you've nowhere else to go, this is the final straw.

Fine. I'm sorry about the food, OK?

But in my defence, I didn't think I'd get caught.

Anyway, it's the middle of the afternoon, shouldn't you be at work?

Oh, I made myself sick, so I could get out of the office early. Sweet.

Yeah, I had to go buy an outfit for tonight - Sadie's back!

Sadie? Yeah, remember Sadie?

She was my best friend at uni,

then she went away travelling for a year?

Is she the girl who I got really drunk with

and then, when she passed out, I superglued her to the toilet?

No, Dan - that was me.

Oh, yeah.

See, I feel like that should have been the final straw.

Whoa, you're really going all out tonight, aren't you?

You look like an Italian call girl.

I'm going to assume you mean fun and hot and 17, so thank you.

Well, I wish I could come, but...

You weren't invited. I'm working on a very special project tonight.

I'm watching all the films Liam Neeson's ever been in

back to back. I'm calling it the "Liam Neeson Seeson".

"Seeson"? It works.

DOORBELL RINGS It doesn't work, it's fucking dumb!

Sadie! Hanssy! Oh, it's been too long!

Wow, you look great! I know, right?

Guys, can you keep it down, I'm about to watch Kingdom Of Heaven.

Ignore him, he's an idiot.

Yes, no, I remember the toilet thing. Hi, Dan, how's it going?

I have got the ultimate girl's night out planned.

Really? Yeah, it's going to be just like we're back at uni.

I've got a hip flask full of vodka, flat shoes, a rape whistle,

and another rape whistle in case the first doesn't work.

And...a bottle of Pink Lightning.

It's a designer drug I found online.

Don't worry, it's totally legal.

In Albania, they use it as paint thinner!

Mmm, oh, I'm not really sure I'm up to that tonight, Han.

I couldn't get any sleep on the plane, plus, you know,

we're still a teensy bit jet-lagged. We're?

KNOCK ON DOOR Knocky-knock! Hannah, this is Rich.

My - don't hate me - fiance!

Sorry, fiance? Er, wow!

Rich, I was just saying to Hans, maybe we should stay in tonight,

you know, just have a quiet one? I don't think we...

Yeah, yeah, fantastic. Have you had sups?

I know a cracking little Ethiopian place that delivers.

Oh, my favourite!

So, yeah, I'm on my hands and knees, haven't seen a soul for three weeks,

I cut my way through the brush and what's in front of me?

Only the world's largest Flying Dragon Lizard!

That's insane - you found a dragon?!

Dragon Lizard. I know they're lizards.

Rich used to work for the International Vet Fund,

so he's been all over the world. Yep.

Really? He hasn't mentioned it.

That's actually how we met!

I picked up this nasty stomach bug in Karachi

and the closest thing to a hospital for miles was Rich's vet surgery.

Yeah, and that was the first and last time

I've ever gotten romantic with one of my patients.

Remember how we met?

On the girls hockey tour to Dublin?

Oh, my God, yes! That was such a laugh!

We'd sneak out every night

and flirt with disgusting Irish guys until they bought us drinks.

And we shared a room with Sarah Carvill.

She'd clip her toenails and then eat them!

Oh, yeah! That was vile!

And then, on the last night we walked in on her watching Three Men And A Baby

and just frigging herself senseless! It was insane!

The whole team found out, and then in 3rd year, she...

Well, she...

..died.

She, um...

she was electrocuted.

LAUGHS

So, are you guys back in the country for good, then?

Yeah, yep, I got a partnership in a surgery over here.

Shit, you are living the dream!

A fiance, great taste in food.

I haven't even got a job - you've seen a dragon!

Dragon lizard.

But the surgery's actually looking for someone to answer the phones.

It's only part-time, but I can pull a few strings if you want?

Obviously I want!

Sadie, is it all right if I take Rich into the bathroom and suck him off!

Thanks for the offer, but just be on time and we'll take it from there.

Is this guy the best, or what?

So, Rich, tell me more about these dragons.

Thank you so much for having us!

It was so nice to see you!

And Rich, you know, we've met now, so...there's that.

Listen, we're having a silly little

House Warming-slash-Engagement Party-slash-Piss-Up tomorrow night,

you've literally got to come.

Oh, no, I don't...

Oh, yes, you've got to come, both of you.

And Dan, see you in the morning. Dress code - vet-casual.

Ha! Yes, boss!

I think I love that guy! What a dick!

What?! Rich is great!

He just spent all evening showing off about how he'd

cured leprosy in chickens and had a circle jerk with the Dalai Lama.

I barely got a chance to speak to Sadie.

You're just jealous. I mean, he genuinely smells like

a kitten made of mahogany.

I'm sorry, Dan, but that guy is a massive dick. Trust me.

Sorry I was late, my alarm didn't...

I think the clocks went back or...

OK, well, you're here now. So, this is my desk?

Very cool. It's pretty simple really, just keep your eyes on the phone,

when someone comes in, ask them to have a seat, buzz through to me

and I'll come out and get them.

Sweet. So I buzz...

you come and get them.

You're Alan Sugar, I'm his fit, anonymous assistant.

Ha-ha! OK.

PRESSES BUZZER

'Is everything all right, Dan?' Yep, just checking it works. Sorry.

'OK.'

BUZZING

'Yes, Dan?'

Sorry. Sorry. My finger slipped.

'That's OK. Dan, the intercom's not a toy, all right?' No, of course.

BUZZER Rich, have you ever seen Marley & Me?

I watched it last night, sort of as research.

Spoiler alert - it's fantastic.

And the dog dies.

Rich?

BUZZER Rich, can you hear me?

You know what? I think it might be easier

if you just knock on the door when people come in.

OK? Yeah.

I don't think it was working anyway.

There's nothing better than unwinding with a fine glass of red

after a hard day's work.

You've been a part-time receptionist for one day.

More like half a day. I spent most of the afternoon

watching Liam Neeson films on my iPad.

Ugh, this party is the worst.

I mean, look at this fork.

"Rich and Sadie Forever."

"Oh, look at us, we're the first people to ever get engaged."

"Yeah so we're going to throw a wanky party

"and get our names engraved on cutlery."

I bet these aren't even real silver.

Hannsy! Sadie! Great party!

Um, I've got you a present.

Now, it's a little bit naughty, but I think you'll really like it.

That's great, but there are some people you literally have to meet.

Everyone, this is my friend Hannah. Hannah, this is my coffee club.

Coffee club? It's just a silly thing.

They all live nearby so we meet up every day for coffee.

The girls and I were just saying, now you're engaged,

it's only a matter of time before you become an official member.

Rich and I have talked about it. Really?!

You always said you didn't want kids, you always said,

"The only things that kids mess up more than your life is your vag."

I know, but seeing these girls, I don't know, it could be fun.

Besides, this house is in such a good catchment area,

it'd sort of be a waste not to have a kid, you know?

Oh, no, my sister should not be drinking. Be right back.

How about you, Hannah? Have you thought about having kids?

Ah, um, well, I'm sort of focusing on career stuff, at the moment.

Oh, really? What sort of thing?

Well, I recently set up a celebrity death pool in the office.

And, um, thinking of starting a podcast,

so, yeah, my plate is pretty full. That is so refreshing to hear.

I mean, who needs the endless joy of motherhood when...

you've got a potential podcast.

Exactly.

Well, I'm going to go find the bathroom,

but it was lovely meeting you

and I hope all of your kids are born with minor congenital defects.

See ya!

How dare you question my honour?

I challenge you to a duel.

The victor shall win the deed to Harisham Farm

and the hand of Lady Pussyworth. What are you doing?

Is that a gun? Don't worry, it's not loaded, I tried.

Check this out. It's a picture of Rich and Kofi Annan.

Why would Rich have met Ko...?

Are they bowling? Seriously, this place is incredible!

This guy's like Indiana Jones, but with a massive cock, I assume.

Check this out, Dan. Is everything all right?

Looking for the bathroom. Having a gander. Nice office, by the way.

I can't imagine how good the bathroom is! Didn't touch anything. Your gun, but that's all.

OK, well, we're just about to do the present opening downstairs.

Present opening? As in, opening the presents?

Yeah, um, see you down there in five minutes?

Great.

This is from Marcus and Penny and it is a...

a mini-barbecue!

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

The ostrich burgers are on me!

HE LAUGHS LOUDLY

The next one is from...

Hannah!

Come on, we don't need to open any more presents, do we?

I've got literally no idea what this could be.

No-one needs to see you open another set of bedding.

Three Men And Baby!

ALL: Aww!

Oh, and...

Ooh. Hm-mm...

A vibrator.

It's an inside joke.

OK, er, we were in Ireland and there was this girl...

We walked on her touching herself... Well, she's dead now so...

Oh, you had to be there.

Well... Sadie...

The girls and I have clubbed together

and got the two of you a little something.

Oh, my God! You guys!

Rich, it's a honeymoon to Turks and Caicos!

Bloody hell! I've only been there twice.

It's not quite Tom Selleck and a dildo but it's the next best thing.

LAUGHTER

MUFFLED MUSIC

LOUD MUSIC

MUSIC OFF

We will do everything we can to make sure that

Nutmeg is as comfortable as possible.

Thank you. Thank you.

Don't worry... Whoa, what did you do to them?

Their dog has developed a rare form of canine arthritis.

Unfortunately they can't afford the treatment,

so we're going to have to...

So you're going to kill him?!

We're going to put him down, yeah.

It's the kindest thing to do. Can't they just do it on the NHS?

The NHS doesn't cover pet care...

Fucking Cameron's Britain.

I wish things were different. This is the hardest part of the job.

Although technically, it's actually really quite easy.

It's just a quick injection.

Still, a real shame.

Come on, then. DOG WHIMPERS

? All this talk of getting old

? It's bringing me down, my love

? Like a cat in a bag... ?

Sorry, Dan, you're going to have to piss off.

Sadie's coming over and Mama needs the living room. Cool.

What, you're not going to put up a fight?

Or at least take the piss out of me for calling myself "Mama"?

At work today there was this family who couldn't afford

the treatment for their dog, so they have to put him down. Oh, no.

Kid was crying, and the dad was crying, and the mum was...

Well, she was actually sort of hot. But she was crying, too,

which for some reason made her a little bit hotter,

I don't know. Anyway,

according to Rich there isn't anything we can do about it.

That is just typical Rich. There's always something you can do!

Really? Yes! Look at me.

I might be losing my best friend to marriage and happiness

and all that horse shit, but you don't se me taking it lying down.

Yeah, you're right!

And you know what else?

Maybe the lesson to take from this whole Liam Neeson seeson...

Still not a word.

..is that sometimes you've got to take matters

into your own grisly Irish hands.

Just like he did in Taken when his daughter was taken.

You know, I hate to say this, Dan, but you are absolutely right.

Why do we always have to be the ones to fix things?

Because we're good people. No, we're GREAT people.

You're right. We ARE great people.

No, but seriously, you do need to fuck off.

Come on, Hans, what's the big surprise?

I should really text Rich and tell him if I'm going to be late.

He's making a kale and pak choi salad.

There'll be plenty of time for Old Man Rich

to shove fancy types of cabbage down your throat. What's that?

Ready!

What's going on? Shh, just watch.

Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love.

They got married and two years later he shot himself in the head.

Hmm. Hitler and Eva Braun.

They got married the day before they died.

Coincidence?

Also huge Nazis.

Ah... Sid and Nancy.,

Now, technically they weren't married

but he did stab her to death.

Hannah, what is this?

I'm just trying to open your eyes, you know?

Show you that marriage isn't all sparkly and shiny.

By showing me pictures of dead celebrities?

Yes, it's just...

Since you got back everything's been so different.

How have things been different?

Right.

It's just like when I was 12

and my best friend Rosie went through a freakishly early puberty

and stopped hanging out with me.

Except instead of getting boobs and making new friends

and getting fingered all the time, you've gotten engaged.

I'm never going to see you again, and it's not fair!

It's not fair. It's not... Whoa, whoa.

You really don't have to worry.

You're always going to be the one I turn to

when I want to let my hair down,

or if Rich washes off his galoshes in the sink again

and I need someone to bitch to.

You see, I need you!

So, are we friends again?

Well, technically, you do owe me one girls' night out.

OK, yes!

Awesome!

But just a couple of drinks, OK? Nothing too crazy.

Yes, of course. I'm just going to go grab my rape whistle.

I'm so excited!

ANIMALS WHINE

There you are, little buddy!

I'm going to bust you out of here, all right?

I don't know if you've ever seen the film Taken,

but it's a bit like that.

I'm Liam Neeson and you're his slutty daughter.

Yes, you are, you little slut.

ANIMALS WHINE

LOUD WHINING AND WHIMPERING

LOUD MUSIC

There you go! Oh, no, no, no, this one's yours.

This was such a great fucking idea, Hannah!

I told you! This has got to be better than staying at home

to help Rich dye his pubes or whatever.

Seriously, we should be hanging out, like, every single night!

Let's open a fucking cocktail bar!

Literally, like, tonight!

Let's go get a fucking shitload of booze and just fucking do it!

Yeah... Yes!

PHONE VIBRATES

Hello?

'Wassaaah!'

Dan, what is it? I'm busy.

'Quick question. How would you feel about...'

maybe potentially, adopting ten...

to 15 terminally ill pets?

'Long story short, I, er...'

ran with your idea and I rescued that dog from the surgery.

Er, that wasn't my idea. Your idea, my idea. Whatever.

Anyway, the thing is, when I got in there

and I saw all the other pets that were going to be put down

and it was like an adorable, fuzzy death row, so...

I...took all of them.

What? 'Yeah, so all in all,

'phase one of the plan has gone pretty smoothly.'

I'm just sort of checking to see what happens in phase two.

'There is no phase two! Look, Dan...'

I'm having a brilliant night with my best friend.

I don't have time to plan a bloody animal prison break.

Shit.

ANIMALS WHINE

So I'm thinking we call the bar Handie's,

like Hannah and Sadie mashed together, yeah?

And all the cocktails would be made in your hands!

Tell me you love it! I love it.

I fucking knew you'd love it!

I have seriously never felt this excited about anything in my life!

It's like there are fireworks in my brain!

That's probably because of your drink.

My drink?

Well, I wanted to make sure you had a good time, so I, uh,

greased the wheels a bit.

What do you mean? I've been slipping drops of Pink Lightning

into all of your drinks.

Don't worry, you won't remember any of this in the morning.

So relax and enjoy the ride!

I mean, one of the side effects is respiratory arrest,

so don't relax too much or you might stop breathing!

NEW SONG STARTS

What? Oh, my God, I love this song!

They say if you love something you should set it free,

and I think they're right.

Also, I didn't really think this whole thing through very much,

and this sort of seems like the easiest way out.

So I'm going to let you make the most of the time you've got left,

right, little buddy?

No more leashes, no more rabies vaccinations, no more cages.

It's time for you to be free...

once and for all.

Right, next!

We have got a lot to get through.

So, what do you do, Jamie?

I work down the road in a private gym.

I love the gym. That's where I get all my towels!

Yeah, I'm a personal trainer.

I love to help people stay healthy.

Plus, I make a ton of extra money selling steroids.

We should do a one-on-one session, just you and me.

Stretching and flexing together...

Hans...

I think I'm in trouble.

Sorry, Jamie. Don't move.

Hey, what's up?

Everything's blurry, my heart's racing,

and my jaw won't stop doing this.

Sadie, I'm pretty sure I'm in with this guy, OK?

As a friend I'd appreciate it

if maybe you'd stop being a cock-blocker,

or, you know, muff buffer.

If you're feeling rough, go get some fresh air

and I'll see you in 20 minutes.

Maybe an hour if me and him start getting off. OK?

OK.

Anyway, I'm imagining you and me

and you know those massive exercise balls...

CRASH

You'd think she was the first person

to have a bit too much Albanian paint thinner!

TV: '..places on Earth were sterile.

'Life there was thought to be simply impossible...'

DOORBELL

'..just as it seemed to be absent...'

DOORBELL RINGS REPEATEDLY TV OFF

Ritchie Rich!

Dan, where are the animals?

I don't know what you're talking about.

The surgery's fully fitted with an alarm system and CCTV.

I know you broke in and took the animals,

and for some reason urinated in one of the sinks!

I don't care why you did it, Dan, OK?

I just need to get them back.

So I'm going to ask you again...

Where are the animals?

I let them go.

What do you mean, you let them go?

I was just trying to help.

You said you hated the fact they had to be put down,

so I thought I'd, you know, let them live.

I mean, a couple basically got run over immediately,

but the others are all...

gone.

Oh, oh! Shit! Shitting shit!

Do you have any idea what I stand to lose here?!

I could lose my vet's licence, my surgery and...

I'm fucked... I'm literally fucked!

Whoa, Rich,

I don't want to see you like this.

Listen, mate... Last year when I was in prison...

What? You were in prison?

Yeah. But before you ask, yes, it was for a non-violent crime.

No, I was not...

DOOR OPENS

Are you sure I shouldn't go to A&E?

Sadie? Rich!

Er, we just had a quick drink.

She had a little bit too much rose.

Where have you been? What's happened to your face, baby?

Hannah invited me over

and she was like, "We should hang out more, blah, blah, blah,"

so we went to a club and she drugged me.

What?! Do you know I think that is all much worse than what I did.

Rich, I think I need some more air.

Otherwise my heart might stop beating again.

What is wrong with you people?!

If you think about it, I did save a lot of live... Er, in my defence...

Did things get out of hand? Perhaps. I'm not saying I deserve a promotion.

Shut up!

I am not a violent man.

I have dedicated myself

to protecting the gift that is life!

So hear me when I say this -

you are the most sick and twisted people I have ever met

and I pray to God that the two of you die...

together, arm in arm,

in a horrific...

boat crash!

Boat crash?

Who dies in a boat crash?

I think that was a legitimate death threat. I do, seriously.

That guy is a dick. What did I tell you?!

Whoa, what happened to your arms?

Oh, yeah, I got bitten quite a few times by those animals.

Shit. Yeah, and my jaw is sort of locking up,

so I'm like 80% sure I've got tetanus. Urgh.

Do you reckon you could take me to the hospital tomorrow morning?

Hmm. Well, I've sort of got a lot on tomorrow, so...no?

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