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1
00:00:02,700 --> 00:00:08,890
Yeah, I dumped her, mate. Yeah, I'll
take a flat white with those, and...
2
00:00:08,940 --> 00:00:11,930
throw in a couple of them
double chocolate muffins as well.
3
00:00:11,980 --> 00:00:14,290
No, take your time, idiot!
4
00:00:14,340 --> 00:00:15,970
No, she was mental, mate.
5
00:00:16,020 --> 00:00:18,450
I got her saved in my phone
as Psycho-Bitch.
6
00:00:18,500 --> 00:00:21,090
LAUGHS
Wow, sexist AND slow.
7
00:00:21,140 --> 00:00:24,850
Finally! Could I get
a double-chocolate muffin?
8
00:00:24,900 --> 00:00:26,970
Sorry, we just sold the last two.
9
00:00:27,020 --> 00:00:30,530
You don't have any more left?
No, sorry. Unbelievable!
10
00:00:30,580 --> 00:00:33,450
Hi, excuse me. I was
in the queue behind you
11
00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:35,890
and I was wondering
if I could have one of your muffins?
12
00:00:35,940 --> 00:00:39,050
What? Yeah, well, you got
the last double-chocolate ones,
13
00:00:39,100 --> 00:00:40,930
and I kind of always
get one in the morning.
14
00:00:40,980 --> 00:00:42,050
Helps kick-start my day.
15
00:00:42,100 --> 00:00:44,450
I do crash pretty soon afterwards
because of the sugar,
16
00:00:44,500 --> 00:00:46,370
but it'd be great
if I could get one of yours?
17
00:00:46,420 --> 00:00:48,050
Yeah, all right.
18
00:00:48,100 --> 00:00:50,180
Thank you! Yeah, for a tenner.
19
00:00:51,820 --> 00:00:53,850
You want me to pay �10 for a muffin?
20
00:00:53,900 --> 00:00:55,540
Supply and demand, darling.
21
00:00:57,660 --> 00:00:59,330
Ah, fine,
but I am only agreeing to this
22
00:00:59,380 --> 00:01:01,330
because I'm already
two hours late for work.
23
00:01:01,380 --> 00:01:03,650
Nice doing business with you,
sweetheart.
24
00:01:03,700 --> 00:01:05,220
You too.
25
00:01:08,060 --> 00:01:11,620
Oh, and don't call me sweetheart,
you dick, it's fucking rude.
26
00:01:21,380 --> 00:01:23,290
Hi, take a seat, Dan.
27
00:01:23,340 --> 00:01:25,250
Cheers.
28
00:01:25,300 --> 00:01:27,490
And before we kick off,
I just want to say,
29
00:01:27,540 --> 00:01:29,690
the girl at reception,
what's her deal?
30
00:01:29,740 --> 00:01:31,770
Like, is she seeing anybody, or...?
31
00:01:31,820 --> 00:01:34,740
I think she's got a boyfriend. Cool.
32
00:01:36,340 --> 00:01:40,210
And is it, like, a long-term thing
or a more chilled out,
33
00:01:40,260 --> 00:01:43,050
"You can sleep with who you want,
just don't get gonorrhoea"
34
00:01:43,100 --> 00:01:44,460
type of vibe?
35
00:01:45,740 --> 00:01:48,220
It's fine, I'll ask her myself
on the way out.
36
00:01:50,020 --> 00:01:51,060
Take it away.
37
00:01:53,020 --> 00:01:59,810
Well, Dan, so, the temp agency
sent through your CV and, er...
38
00:01:59,860 --> 00:02:02,730
this is rubbish, right?
39
00:02:02,780 --> 00:02:07,050
Uh, well, I might have stretched
the truth in places, but...
40
00:02:07,100 --> 00:02:09,250
You speak 34 languages.
41
00:02:09,300 --> 00:02:12,970
You co-founded Ask Jeeves
42
00:02:13,020 --> 00:02:17,050
and your last occupation
is listed as..."prison".
43
00:02:17,100 --> 00:02:20,490
Full disclosure -
last year I was briefly in prison.
44
00:02:20,540 --> 00:02:24,050
But before you ask, yes,
it was for a non-violent crime.
45
00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:27,340
And no, I was not sexually assaulted
while I was in there.
46
00:02:29,620 --> 00:02:30,970
D'you know what?
47
00:02:31,020 --> 00:02:33,450
The job's yours. Really?!
48
00:02:33,500 --> 00:02:34,970
Yeah, what the hell?
49
00:02:35,020 --> 00:02:37,980
Yes! I mean, all you've got to do
is hold this...
50
00:02:40,460 --> 00:02:43,410
The pay's �6 an hour
and you start tomorrow.
51
00:02:43,460 --> 00:02:46,770
Ah, problems. Supposed to be
taking the next couple of weeks off
52
00:02:46,820 --> 00:02:49,730
to organise a Harlem Shake video.
What?
53
00:02:49,780 --> 00:02:51,850
I did try and make it clear
on the CV.
54
00:02:51,900 --> 00:02:55,580
See, just under where it says
I wrote the lyrics to White Flag.
55
00:02:56,660 --> 00:02:57,700
By Dido.
56
00:03:15,780 --> 00:03:18,020
WHIRRING
57
00:03:23,100 --> 00:03:25,420
Dan what are you doing?!
58
00:03:26,660 --> 00:03:30,330
Hey, Sis. I specifically told you
not to touch any of my food.
59
00:03:30,380 --> 00:03:33,130
No, Hannah, you said I wasn't
allowed to EAT any of your food,
60
00:03:33,180 --> 00:03:35,210
you didn't say anything
about drinking it,
61
00:03:35,260 --> 00:03:36,490
so I made smoothies instead.
62
00:03:36,540 --> 00:03:39,650
That's literally the dumbest thing
I've ever... It's a liquid lunch.
63
00:03:39,700 --> 00:03:41,210
Right, I'm sorry, Dan, I don't care
64
00:03:41,260 --> 00:03:44,170
if you've nowhere else to go,
this is the final straw.
65
00:03:44,220 --> 00:03:46,730
Fine. I'm sorry about the food, OK?
66
00:03:46,780 --> 00:03:49,330
But in my defence,
I didn't think I'd get caught.
67
00:03:49,380 --> 00:03:52,970
Anyway, it's the middle of the
afternoon, shouldn't you be at work?
68
00:03:53,020 --> 00:03:56,050
Oh, I made myself sick, so I could
get out of the office early. Sweet.
69
00:03:56,100 --> 00:03:59,250
Yeah, I had to go buy an outfit
for tonight - Sadie's back!
70
00:03:59,300 --> 00:04:00,890
Sadie? Yeah, remember Sadie?
71
00:04:00,940 --> 00:04:02,490
She was my best friend at uni,
72
00:04:02,540 --> 00:04:04,410
then she went away travelling
for a year?
73
00:04:04,460 --> 00:04:07,370
Is she the girl
who I got really drunk with
74
00:04:07,420 --> 00:04:11,130
and then, when she passed out,
I superglued her to the toilet?
75
00:04:11,180 --> 00:04:13,410
No, Dan - that was me.
76
00:04:13,460 --> 00:04:15,290
Oh, yeah.
77
00:04:15,340 --> 00:04:18,100
See, I feel like that should
have been the final straw.
78
00:04:29,020 --> 00:04:31,610
Whoa, you're really going
all out tonight, aren't you?
79
00:04:31,660 --> 00:04:33,290
You look like an Italian call girl.
80
00:04:33,340 --> 00:04:37,250
I'm going to assume you mean
fun and hot and 17, so thank you.
81
00:04:37,300 --> 00:04:39,650
Well, I wish I could come, but...
82
00:04:39,700 --> 00:04:43,530
You weren't invited. I'm working on
a very special project tonight.
83
00:04:43,580 --> 00:04:46,610
I'm watching all the films
Liam Neeson's ever been in
84
00:04:46,660 --> 00:04:50,730
back to back. I'm calling it
the "Liam Neeson Seeson".
85
00:04:50,780 --> 00:04:53,450
"Seeson"? It works.
86
00:04:53,500 --> 00:04:55,780
DOORBELL RINGS
It doesn't work, it's fucking dumb!
87
00:04:57,780 --> 00:05:01,930
Sadie! Hanssy!
Oh, it's been too long!
88
00:05:01,980 --> 00:05:04,130
Wow, you look great!
I know, right?
89
00:05:04,180 --> 00:05:06,930
Guys, can you keep it down, I'm
about to watch Kingdom Of Heaven.
90
00:05:06,980 --> 00:05:08,250
Ignore him, he's an idiot.
91
00:05:08,300 --> 00:05:11,530
Yes, no, I remember the toilet
thing. Hi, Dan, how's it going?
92
00:05:11,580 --> 00:05:14,250
I have got the ultimate
girl's night out planned.
93
00:05:14,300 --> 00:05:17,170
Really? Yeah, it's going to be
just like we're back at uni.
94
00:05:17,220 --> 00:05:21,050
I've got a hip flask full of vodka,
flat shoes, a rape whistle,
95
00:05:21,100 --> 00:05:23,930
and another rape whistle
in case the first doesn't work.
96
00:05:23,980 --> 00:05:27,530
And...a bottle of Pink Lightning.
97
00:05:27,580 --> 00:05:30,130
It's a designer drug I found online.
98
00:05:30,180 --> 00:05:32,010
Don't worry, it's totally legal.
99
00:05:32,060 --> 00:05:33,970
In Albania, they use it
as paint thinner!
100
00:05:34,020 --> 00:05:38,370
Mmm, oh, I'm not really sure
I'm up to that tonight, Han.
101
00:05:38,420 --> 00:05:41,330
I couldn't get any sleep
on the plane, plus, you know,
102
00:05:41,380 --> 00:05:44,370
we're still a teensy bit jet-lagged.
We're?
103
00:05:44,420 --> 00:05:48,370
KNOCK ON DOOR
Knocky-knock! Hannah, this is Rich.
104
00:05:48,420 --> 00:05:51,460
My - don't hate me - fiance!
105
00:05:52,300 --> 00:05:55,610
Sorry, fiance? Er, wow!
106
00:05:55,660 --> 00:05:58,690
Rich, I was just saying to Hans,
maybe we should stay in tonight,
107
00:05:58,740 --> 00:06:01,090
you know, just have a quiet one?
I don't think we...
108
00:06:01,140 --> 00:06:03,770
Yeah, yeah, fantastic.
Have you had sups?
109
00:06:03,820 --> 00:06:06,250
I know a cracking little
Ethiopian place that delivers.
110
00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:08,380
Oh, my favourite!
111
00:06:11,620 --> 00:06:15,570
So, yeah, I'm on my hands and knees,
haven't seen a soul for three weeks,
112
00:06:15,620 --> 00:06:19,810
I cut my way through the brush
and what's in front of me?
113
00:06:19,860 --> 00:06:22,450
Only the world's largest
Flying Dragon Lizard!
114
00:06:22,500 --> 00:06:25,290
That's insane - you found a dragon?!
115
00:06:25,340 --> 00:06:27,530
Dragon Lizard.
I know they're lizards.
116
00:06:27,580 --> 00:06:29,890
Rich used to work
for the International Vet Fund,
117
00:06:29,940 --> 00:06:31,650
so he's been all over the world.
Yep.
118
00:06:31,700 --> 00:06:33,610
Really? He hasn't mentioned it.
119
00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:35,170
That's actually how we met!
120
00:06:35,220 --> 00:06:37,850
I picked up this nasty
stomach bug in Karachi
121
00:06:37,900 --> 00:06:41,450
and the closest thing to a hospital
for miles was Rich's vet surgery.
122
00:06:41,500 --> 00:06:43,450
Yeah, and that was
the first and last time
123
00:06:43,500 --> 00:06:46,380
I've ever gotten romantic
with one of my patients.
124
00:06:48,460 --> 00:06:49,690
Remember how we met?
125
00:06:49,740 --> 00:06:51,890
On the girls hockey tour to Dublin?
126
00:06:51,940 --> 00:06:54,010
Oh, my God, yes!
That was such a laugh!
127
00:06:54,060 --> 00:06:55,330
We'd sneak out every night
128
00:06:55,380 --> 00:06:58,450
and flirt with disgusting Irish guys
until they bought us drinks.
129
00:06:58,500 --> 00:07:00,770
And we shared a room
with Sarah Carvill.
130
00:07:00,820 --> 00:07:03,090
She'd clip her toenails
and then eat them!
131
00:07:03,140 --> 00:07:04,650
Oh, yeah! That was vile!
132
00:07:04,700 --> 00:07:08,210
And then, on the last night
we walked in on her watching Three Men And A Baby
133
00:07:08,260 --> 00:07:11,730
and just frigging herself senseless!
It was insane!
134
00:07:11,780 --> 00:07:14,530
The whole team found out,
and then in 3rd year, she...
135
00:07:14,580 --> 00:07:15,980
Well, she...
136
00:07:17,220 --> 00:07:18,610
..died.
137
00:07:18,660 --> 00:07:19,890
She, um...
138
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,260
she was electrocuted.
139
00:07:24,860 --> 00:07:26,810
LAUGHS
140
00:07:26,860 --> 00:07:29,050
So, are you guys back in the country
for good, then?
141
00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:32,450
Yeah, yep, I got a partnership
in a surgery over here.
142
00:07:32,500 --> 00:07:34,970
Shit, you are living the dream!
143
00:07:35,020 --> 00:07:37,610
A fiance, great taste in food.
144
00:07:37,660 --> 00:07:40,490
I haven't even got a job -
you've seen a dragon!
145
00:07:40,540 --> 00:07:41,690
Dragon lizard.
146
00:07:41,740 --> 00:07:45,330
But the surgery's actually looking
for someone to answer the phones.
147
00:07:45,380 --> 00:07:48,490
It's only part-time, but I can
pull a few strings if you want?
148
00:07:48,540 --> 00:07:50,170
Obviously I want!
149
00:07:50,220 --> 00:07:54,290
Sadie, is it all right if I take Rich
into the bathroom and suck him off!
150
00:07:54,340 --> 00:07:59,130
Thanks for the offer, but just be on
time and we'll take it from there.
151
00:07:59,180 --> 00:08:00,740
Is this guy the best, or what?
152
00:08:02,300 --> 00:08:05,420
So, Rich, tell me more
about these dragons.
153
00:08:07,060 --> 00:08:09,090
Thank you so much for having us!
154
00:08:09,140 --> 00:08:11,380
It was so nice to see you!
155
00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:16,570
And Rich, you know, we've met now,
so...there's that.
156
00:08:16,620 --> 00:08:19,290
Listen, we're having a silly little
157
00:08:19,340 --> 00:08:22,610
House Warming-slash-Engagement
Party-slash-Piss-Up tomorrow night,
158
00:08:22,660 --> 00:08:25,010
you've literally got to come.
159
00:08:25,060 --> 00:08:26,210
Oh, no, I don't...
160
00:08:26,260 --> 00:08:28,370
Oh, yes, you've got to come,
both of you.
161
00:08:28,420 --> 00:08:32,530
And Dan, see you in the morning.
Dress code - vet-casual.
162
00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:34,220
Ha! Yes, boss!
163
00:08:37,940 --> 00:08:39,850
I think I love that guy!
What a dick!
164
00:08:39,900 --> 00:08:42,090
What?! Rich is great!
165
00:08:42,140 --> 00:08:44,650
He just spent all evening
showing off about how he'd
166
00:08:44,700 --> 00:08:48,890
cured leprosy in chickens and had
a circle jerk with the Dalai Lama.
167
00:08:48,940 --> 00:08:50,930
I barely got a chance
to speak to Sadie.
168
00:08:50,980 --> 00:08:54,890
You're just jealous.
I mean, he genuinely smells like
169
00:08:54,940 --> 00:08:57,330
a kitten made of mahogany.
170
00:08:57,380 --> 00:09:02,140
I'm sorry, Dan, but that guy
is a massive dick. Trust me.
171
00:09:04,900 --> 00:09:07,140
Sorry I was late, my alarm didn't...
172
00:09:08,260 --> 00:09:10,410
I think the clocks went back or...
173
00:09:10,460 --> 00:09:15,210
OK, well, you're here now.
So, this is my desk?
174
00:09:15,260 --> 00:09:19,170
Very cool. It's pretty simple really,
just keep your eyes on the phone,
175
00:09:19,220 --> 00:09:22,530
when someone comes in, ask them
to have a seat, buzz through to me
176
00:09:22,580 --> 00:09:24,370
and I'll come out and get them.
177
00:09:24,420 --> 00:09:27,130
Sweet. So I buzz...
178
00:09:27,180 --> 00:09:28,530
you come and get them.
179
00:09:28,580 --> 00:09:32,210
You're Alan Sugar, I'm his
fit, anonymous assistant.
180
00:09:32,260 --> 00:09:34,660
Ha-ha! OK.
181
00:09:50,420 --> 00:09:51,410
PRESSES BUZZER
182
00:09:51,460 --> 00:09:55,810
'Is everything all right, Dan?'
Yep, just checking it works. Sorry.
183
00:09:55,860 --> 00:09:57,220
'OK.'
184
00:10:04,420 --> 00:10:05,730
BUZZING
185
00:10:05,780 --> 00:10:07,330
'Yes, Dan?'
186
00:10:07,380 --> 00:10:09,930
Sorry. Sorry. My finger slipped.
187
00:10:09,980 --> 00:10:14,660
'That's OK. Dan, the intercom's not
a toy, all right?' No, of course.
188
00:10:22,900 --> 00:10:26,690
BUZZER
Rich, have you ever seen Marley & Me?
189
00:10:26,740 --> 00:10:28,970
I watched it last night,
sort of as research.
190
00:10:29,020 --> 00:10:31,450
Spoiler alert - it's fantastic.
191
00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:32,780
And the dog dies.
192
00:10:35,100 --> 00:10:36,410
Rich?
193
00:10:36,460 --> 00:10:38,170
BUZZER
Rich, can you hear me?
194
00:10:38,220 --> 00:10:41,810
You know what?
I think it might be easier
195
00:10:41,860 --> 00:10:45,930
if you just knock on the door
when people come in.
196
00:10:45,980 --> 00:10:47,730
OK? Yeah.
197
00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:50,300
I don't think it was working anyway.
198
00:10:56,700 --> 00:11:01,250
There's nothing better than
unwinding with a fine glass of red
199
00:11:01,300 --> 00:11:03,330
after a hard day's work.
200
00:11:03,380 --> 00:11:05,850
You've been a part-time
receptionist for one day.
201
00:11:05,900 --> 00:11:08,330
More like half a day.
I spent most of the afternoon
202
00:11:08,380 --> 00:11:10,530
watching Liam Neeson films
on my iPad.
203
00:11:10,580 --> 00:11:12,850
Ugh, this party is the worst.
204
00:11:12,900 --> 00:11:14,610
I mean, look at this fork.
205
00:11:14,660 --> 00:11:16,490
"Rich and Sadie Forever."
206
00:11:16,540 --> 00:11:20,090
"Oh, look at us, we're the first
people to ever get engaged."
207
00:11:20,140 --> 00:11:22,090
"Yeah so we're going to throw
a wanky party
208
00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:24,050
"and get our names
engraved on cutlery."
209
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:26,050
I bet these aren't even real silver.
210
00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:29,170
Hannsy! Sadie! Great party!
211
00:11:29,220 --> 00:11:31,170
Um, I've got you a present.
212
00:11:31,220 --> 00:11:34,850
Now, it's a little bit naughty,
but I think you'll really like it.
213
00:11:34,900 --> 00:11:38,100
That's great, but there are some
people you literally have to meet.
214
00:11:40,260 --> 00:11:44,330
Everyone, this is my friend Hannah.
Hannah, this is my coffee club.
215
00:11:44,380 --> 00:11:47,170
Coffee club?
It's just a silly thing.
216
00:11:47,220 --> 00:11:50,170
They all live nearby
so we meet up every day for coffee.
217
00:11:50,220 --> 00:11:52,850
The girls and I were just saying,
now you're engaged,
218
00:11:52,900 --> 00:11:56,540
it's only a matter of time before
you become an official member.
219
00:11:57,660 --> 00:11:59,930
Rich and I have talked about it.
Really?!
220
00:11:59,980 --> 00:12:02,250
You always said you didn't want
kids, you always said,
221
00:12:02,300 --> 00:12:05,490
"The only things that kids mess up
more than your life is your vag."
222
00:12:05,540 --> 00:12:09,170
I know, but seeing these girls,
I don't know, it could be fun.
223
00:12:09,220 --> 00:12:11,810
Besides, this house is
in such a good catchment area,
224
00:12:11,860 --> 00:12:14,620
it'd sort of be a waste
not to have a kid, you know?
225
00:12:16,060 --> 00:12:18,730
Oh, no, my sister should not be
drinking. Be right back.
226
00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:21,650
How about you, Hannah?
Have you thought about having kids?
227
00:12:21,700 --> 00:12:25,170
Ah, um, well, I'm sort of focusing
on career stuff, at the moment.
228
00:12:25,220 --> 00:12:27,450
Oh, really? What sort of thing?
229
00:12:27,500 --> 00:12:31,290
Well, I recently set up a celebrity
death pool in the office.
230
00:12:31,340 --> 00:12:33,490
And, um,
thinking of starting a podcast,
231
00:12:33,540 --> 00:12:38,210
so, yeah, my plate is pretty full.
That is so refreshing to hear.
232
00:12:38,260 --> 00:12:41,650
I mean, who needs the endless joy
of motherhood when...
233
00:12:41,700 --> 00:12:43,580
you've got a potential podcast.
234
00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:48,210
Exactly.
235
00:12:48,260 --> 00:12:50,450
Well, I'm going to
go find the bathroom,
236
00:12:50,500 --> 00:12:51,930
but it was lovely meeting you
237
00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:55,330
and I hope all of your kids are born
with minor congenital defects.
238
00:12:55,380 --> 00:12:56,820
See ya!
239
00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:03,410
How dare you question my honour?
240
00:13:03,460 --> 00:13:05,290
I challenge you to a duel.
241
00:13:05,340 --> 00:13:07,890
The victor shall win the deed
to Harisham Farm
242
00:13:07,940 --> 00:13:11,530
and the hand of Lady Pussyworth.
What are you doing?
243
00:13:11,580 --> 00:13:15,010
Is that a gun? Don't worry,
it's not loaded, I tried.
244
00:13:15,060 --> 00:13:19,690
Check this out. It's a picture
of Rich and Kofi Annan.
245
00:13:19,740 --> 00:13:21,900
Why would Rich have met Ko...?
246
00:13:22,900 --> 00:13:27,530
Are they bowling?
Seriously, this place is incredible!
247
00:13:27,580 --> 00:13:31,860
This guy's like Indiana Jones,
but with a massive cock, I assume.
248
00:13:33,300 --> 00:13:35,580
Check this out, Dan.
Is everything all right?
249
00:13:36,980 --> 00:13:39,810
Looking for the bathroom. Having
a gander. Nice office, by the way.
250
00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:43,740
I can't imagine how good the
bathroom is! Didn't touch anything. Your gun, but that's all.
251
00:13:45,460 --> 00:13:49,170
OK, well, we're just about to do
the present opening downstairs.
252
00:13:49,220 --> 00:13:52,490
Present opening?
As in, opening the presents?
253
00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:57,010
Yeah, um, see you down there
in five minutes?
254
00:13:57,060 --> 00:13:58,140
Great.
255
00:14:01,420 --> 00:14:05,210
This is from Marcus and Penny
and it is a...
256
00:14:05,260 --> 00:14:07,930
a mini-barbecue!
257
00:14:07,980 --> 00:14:09,210
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
258
00:14:09,260 --> 00:14:11,300
The ostrich burgers are on me!
259
00:14:12,700 --> 00:14:14,050
HE LAUGHS LOUDLY
260
00:14:14,100 --> 00:14:16,250
The next one is from...
261
00:14:16,300 --> 00:14:17,570
Hannah!
262
00:14:17,620 --> 00:14:20,570
Come on, we don't need to open
any more presents, do we?
263
00:14:20,620 --> 00:14:23,050
I've got literally
no idea what this could be.
264
00:14:23,100 --> 00:14:25,850
No-one needs to see you
open another set of bedding.
265
00:14:25,900 --> 00:14:27,170
Three Men And Baby!
266
00:14:27,220 --> 00:14:29,370
ALL: Aww!
267
00:14:29,420 --> 00:14:31,450
Oh, and...
268
00:14:31,500 --> 00:14:32,980
Ooh. Hm-mm...
269
00:14:34,740 --> 00:14:36,020
A vibrator.
270
00:14:39,900 --> 00:14:41,340
It's an inside joke.
271
00:14:43,020 --> 00:14:46,290
OK, er, we were in Ireland
and there was this girl...
272
00:14:46,340 --> 00:14:49,890
We walked on her touching herself...
Well, she's dead now so...
273
00:14:49,940 --> 00:14:51,820
Oh, you had to be there.
274
00:14:54,420 --> 00:14:57,010
Well... Sadie...
275
00:14:57,060 --> 00:14:59,450
The girls and I have clubbed together
276
00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:02,340
and got the two of you
a little something.
277
00:15:05,300 --> 00:15:07,530
Oh, my God! You guys!
278
00:15:07,580 --> 00:15:10,050
Rich, it's a honeymoon
to Turks and Caicos!
279
00:15:10,100 --> 00:15:12,650
Bloody hell!
I've only been there twice.
280
00:15:12,700 --> 00:15:16,930
It's not quite Tom Selleck and a
dildo but it's the next best thing.
281
00:15:16,980 --> 00:15:19,450
LAUGHTER
282
00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:20,940
MUFFLED MUSIC
283
00:15:23,740 --> 00:15:25,580
LOUD MUSIC
284
00:15:31,340 --> 00:15:33,140
MUSIC OFF
285
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:37,670
We will do everything
we can to make sure that
286
00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:40,110
Nutmeg is as comfortable
as possible.
287
00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:43,200
Thank you. Thank you.
288
00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:47,870
Don't worry...
Whoa, what did you do to them?
289
00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:51,110
Their dog has developed a rare
form of canine arthritis.
290
00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:53,310
Unfortunately
they can't afford the treatment,
291
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:54,670
so we're going to have to...
292
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:56,710
So you're going to kill him?!
293
00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:58,270
We're going to put him down, yeah.
294
00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:01,630
It's the kindest thing to do.
Can't they just do it on the NHS?
295
00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:03,790
The NHS doesn't cover pet care...
296
00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:06,390
Fucking Cameron's Britain.
297
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:09,470
I wish things were different. This
is the hardest part of the job.
298
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:12,550
Although technically,
it's actually really quite easy.
299
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,190
It's just a quick injection.
300
00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:16,070
Still, a real shame.
301
00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:18,040
Come on, then.
DOG WHIMPERS
302
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:26,360
? All this talk of getting old
303
00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:32,640
? It's bringing me down, my love
304
00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:37,299
? Like a cat in a bag... ?
305
00:16:37,300 --> 00:16:39,330
Sorry, Dan,
you're going to have to piss off.
306
00:16:39,380 --> 00:16:41,770
Sadie's coming over and
Mama needs the living room. Cool.
307
00:16:41,820 --> 00:16:43,970
What, you're not going
to put up a fight?
308
00:16:44,020 --> 00:16:46,930
Or at least take the piss out of me
for calling myself "Mama"?
309
00:16:46,980 --> 00:16:49,290
At work today there was this family
who couldn't afford
310
00:16:49,340 --> 00:16:52,450
the treatment for their dog, so
they have to put him down. Oh, no.
311
00:16:52,500 --> 00:16:56,170
Kid was crying, and the dad was
crying, and the mum was...
312
00:16:56,220 --> 00:17:00,210
Well, she was actually sort of hot.
But she was crying, too,
313
00:17:00,260 --> 00:17:02,450
which for some reason
made her a little bit hotter,
314
00:17:02,500 --> 00:17:03,530
I don't know. Anyway,
315
00:17:03,580 --> 00:17:06,010
according to Rich there isn't
anything we can do about it.
316
00:17:06,060 --> 00:17:09,690
That is just typical Rich.
There's always something you can do!
317
00:17:09,740 --> 00:17:12,290
Really? Yes! Look at me.
318
00:17:12,340 --> 00:17:15,130
I might be losing my best friend
to marriage and happiness
319
00:17:15,180 --> 00:17:18,290
and all that horse shit, but you
don't se me taking it lying down.
320
00:17:18,340 --> 00:17:20,370
Yeah, you're right!
321
00:17:20,420 --> 00:17:22,050
And you know what else?
322
00:17:22,100 --> 00:17:26,570
Maybe the lesson to take
from this whole Liam Neeson seeson...
323
00:17:26,620 --> 00:17:27,730
Still not a word.
324
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:29,770
..is that sometimes you've got
to take matters
325
00:17:29,820 --> 00:17:32,010
into your own grisly Irish hands.
326
00:17:32,060 --> 00:17:34,370
Just like he did in Taken
when his daughter was taken.
327
00:17:34,420 --> 00:17:37,090
You know, I hate to say this, Dan,
but you are absolutely right.
328
00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:39,610
Why do we always have to be
the ones to fix things?
329
00:17:39,660 --> 00:17:42,370
Because we're good people.
No, we're GREAT people.
330
00:17:42,420 --> 00:17:45,260
You're right.
We ARE great people.
331
00:17:47,020 --> 00:17:49,340
No, but seriously,
you do need to fuck off.
332
00:17:55,420 --> 00:17:58,370
Come on, Hans,
what's the big surprise?
333
00:17:58,420 --> 00:18:01,130
I should really text Rich and tell
him if I'm going to be late.
334
00:18:01,180 --> 00:18:03,930
He's making
a kale and pak choi salad.
335
00:18:03,980 --> 00:18:06,010
There'll be plenty of time
for Old Man Rich
336
00:18:06,060 --> 00:18:08,730
to shove fancy types of cabbage
down your throat. What's that?
337
00:18:08,780 --> 00:18:10,060
Ready!
338
00:18:12,140 --> 00:18:14,420
What's going on?
Shh, just watch.
339
00:18:16,180 --> 00:18:17,770
Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love.
340
00:18:17,820 --> 00:18:21,780
They got married and two years
later he shot himself in the head.
341
00:18:25,740 --> 00:18:28,210
Hmm. Hitler and Eva Braun.
342
00:18:28,260 --> 00:18:30,770
They got married
the day before they died.
343
00:18:30,820 --> 00:18:32,970
Coincidence?
344
00:18:33,020 --> 00:18:35,940
Also huge Nazis.
345
00:18:37,580 --> 00:18:40,290
Ah... Sid and Nancy.,
346
00:18:40,340 --> 00:18:42,770
Now, technically
they weren't married
347
00:18:42,820 --> 00:18:44,540
but he did stab her to death.
348
00:18:45,660 --> 00:18:47,530
Hannah, what is this?
349
00:18:47,580 --> 00:18:49,570
I'm just trying to open your eyes,
you know?
350
00:18:49,620 --> 00:18:52,810
Show you that marriage
isn't all sparkly and shiny.
351
00:18:52,860 --> 00:18:54,970
By showing me pictures
of dead celebrities?
352
00:18:55,020 --> 00:18:56,330
Yes, it's just...
353
00:18:56,380 --> 00:18:58,530
Since you got back
everything's been so different.
354
00:18:58,580 --> 00:19:00,220
How have things been different?
355
00:19:01,420 --> 00:19:03,170
Right.
356
00:19:03,220 --> 00:19:05,050
It's just like when I was 12
357
00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:08,130
and my best friend Rosie went
through a freakishly early puberty
358
00:19:08,180 --> 00:19:09,530
and stopped hanging out with me.
359
00:19:09,580 --> 00:19:11,890
Except instead of getting boobs
and making new friends
360
00:19:11,940 --> 00:19:14,410
and getting fingered all the time,
you've gotten engaged.
361
00:19:14,460 --> 00:19:16,650
I'm never going to see you
again, and it's not fair!
362
00:19:16,700 --> 00:19:18,890
It's not fair. It's not...
Whoa, whoa.
363
00:19:18,940 --> 00:19:20,690
You really don't have to worry.
364
00:19:20,740 --> 00:19:23,130
You're always going to be
the one I turn to
365
00:19:23,180 --> 00:19:24,570
when I want to let my hair down,
366
00:19:24,620 --> 00:19:27,330
or if Rich washes off his galoshes
in the sink again
367
00:19:27,380 --> 00:19:29,250
and I need someone to bitch to.
368
00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:32,060
You see, I need you!
369
00:19:33,220 --> 00:19:35,740
So, are we friends again?
370
00:19:37,020 --> 00:19:40,500
Well, technically, you do
owe me one girls' night out.
371
00:19:41,500 --> 00:19:42,570
OK, yes!
372
00:19:42,620 --> 00:19:43,690
Awesome!
373
00:19:43,740 --> 00:19:46,970
But just a couple of drinks, OK?
Nothing too crazy.
374
00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:50,770
Yes, of course. I'm just
going to go grab my rape whistle.
375
00:19:50,820 --> 00:19:52,740
I'm so excited!
376
00:20:02,380 --> 00:20:04,500
ANIMALS WHINE
377
00:20:16,660 --> 00:20:18,250
There you are, little buddy!
378
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:20,810
I'm going to bust you out of here,
all right?
379
00:20:20,860 --> 00:20:22,850
I don't know if you've ever seen
the film Taken,
380
00:20:22,900 --> 00:20:24,530
but it's a bit like that.
381
00:20:24,580 --> 00:20:27,970
I'm Liam Neeson
and you're his slutty daughter.
382
00:20:28,020 --> 00:20:30,700
Yes, you are, you little slut.
383
00:20:34,020 --> 00:20:36,220
ANIMALS WHINE
384
00:20:38,340 --> 00:20:41,210
LOUD WHINING AND WHIMPERING
385
00:20:41,260 --> 00:20:43,210
LOUD MUSIC
386
00:20:43,260 --> 00:20:45,530
There you go!
Oh, no, no, no, this one's yours.
387
00:20:45,580 --> 00:20:47,410
This was such
a great fucking idea, Hannah!
388
00:20:47,460 --> 00:20:50,170
I told you! This has got to be
better than staying at home
389
00:20:50,220 --> 00:20:51,930
to help Rich dye his pubes
or whatever.
390
00:20:51,980 --> 00:20:55,010
Seriously, we should be hanging out,
like, every single night!
391
00:20:55,060 --> 00:20:56,690
Let's open a fucking cocktail bar!
392
00:20:56,740 --> 00:20:58,210
Literally, like, tonight!
393
00:20:58,260 --> 00:21:00,970
Let's go get a fucking shitload
of booze and just fucking do it!
394
00:21:01,020 --> 00:21:02,170
Yeah... Yes!
395
00:21:02,220 --> 00:21:03,370
PHONE VIBRATES
396
00:21:03,420 --> 00:21:04,810
Hello?
397
00:21:04,860 --> 00:21:06,450
'Wassaaah!'
398
00:21:06,500 --> 00:21:08,170
Dan, what is it? I'm busy.
399
00:21:08,220 --> 00:21:10,370
'Quick question.
How would you feel about...'
400
00:21:10,420 --> 00:21:12,490
maybe potentially, adopting ten...
401
00:21:12,540 --> 00:21:15,370
to 15 terminally ill pets?
402
00:21:15,420 --> 00:21:17,290
'Long story short, I, er...'
403
00:21:17,340 --> 00:21:20,850
ran with your idea and I rescued
that dog from the surgery.
404
00:21:20,900 --> 00:21:23,730
Er, that wasn't my idea.
Your idea, my idea. Whatever.
405
00:21:23,780 --> 00:21:25,970
Anyway, the thing is,
when I got in there
406
00:21:26,020 --> 00:21:28,330
and I saw all the other pets
that were going to be put down
407
00:21:28,380 --> 00:21:31,130
and it was like an
adorable, fuzzy death row, so...
408
00:21:31,180 --> 00:21:33,450
I...took all of them.
409
00:21:33,500 --> 00:21:34,850
What? 'Yeah, so all in all,
410
00:21:34,900 --> 00:21:36,970
'phase one of the plan
has gone pretty smoothly.'
411
00:21:37,020 --> 00:21:39,610
I'm just sort of checking
to see what happens in phase two.
412
00:21:39,660 --> 00:21:41,930
'There is no phase two!
Look, Dan...'
413
00:21:41,980 --> 00:21:44,170
I'm having a brilliant night
with my best friend.
414
00:21:44,220 --> 00:21:46,940
I don't have time to plan
a bloody animal prison break.
415
00:21:48,180 --> 00:21:49,450
Shit.
416
00:21:49,500 --> 00:21:50,820
ANIMALS WHINE
417
00:21:52,820 --> 00:21:54,610
So I'm thinking we call the bar
Handie's,
418
00:21:54,660 --> 00:21:56,730
like Hannah and Sadie
mashed together, yeah?
419
00:21:56,780 --> 00:21:59,090
And all the cocktails
would be made in your hands!
420
00:21:59,140 --> 00:22:00,770
Tell me you love it!
I love it.
421
00:22:00,820 --> 00:22:02,490
I fucking knew you'd love it!
422
00:22:02,540 --> 00:22:06,130
I have seriously never felt this
excited about anything in my life!
423
00:22:06,180 --> 00:22:10,210
It's like there are fireworks
in my brain!
424
00:22:10,260 --> 00:22:12,450
That's probably
because of your drink.
425
00:22:12,500 --> 00:22:13,570
My drink?
426
00:22:13,620 --> 00:22:16,410
Well, I wanted to make sure you
had a good time, so I, uh,
427
00:22:16,460 --> 00:22:17,850
greased the wheels a bit.
428
00:22:17,900 --> 00:22:20,890
What do you mean? I've been slipping
drops of Pink Lightning
429
00:22:20,940 --> 00:22:22,610
into all of your drinks.
430
00:22:22,660 --> 00:22:25,290
Don't worry, you won't remember
any of this in the morning.
431
00:22:25,340 --> 00:22:26,970
So relax and enjoy the ride!
432
00:22:27,020 --> 00:22:29,730
I mean, one of the side effects
is respiratory arrest,
433
00:22:29,780 --> 00:22:32,330
so don't relax too much
or you might stop breathing!
434
00:22:32,380 --> 00:22:33,810
NEW SONG STARTS
435
00:22:33,860 --> 00:22:35,860
What?
Oh, my God, I love this song!
436
00:22:41,060 --> 00:22:45,130
They say if you love something
you should set it free,
437
00:22:45,180 --> 00:22:47,410
and I think they're right.
438
00:22:47,460 --> 00:22:50,210
Also, I didn't really think this
whole thing through very much,
439
00:22:50,260 --> 00:22:52,970
and this sort of seems
like the easiest way out.
440
00:22:53,020 --> 00:22:55,610
So I'm going to let you make
the most of the time you've got left,
441
00:22:55,660 --> 00:22:57,170
right, little buddy?
442
00:22:57,220 --> 00:23:01,980
No more leashes, no more rabies
vaccinations, no more cages.
443
00:23:03,380 --> 00:23:05,370
It's time for you to be free...
444
00:23:05,420 --> 00:23:07,020
once and for all.
445
00:23:17,340 --> 00:23:18,890
Right, next!
446
00:23:18,940 --> 00:23:20,380
We have got a lot to get through.
447
00:23:22,980 --> 00:23:24,690
So, what do you do, Jamie?
448
00:23:24,740 --> 00:23:26,850
I work down the road
in a private gym.
449
00:23:26,900 --> 00:23:29,170
I love the gym.
That's where I get all my towels!
450
00:23:29,220 --> 00:23:31,010
Yeah, I'm a personal trainer.
451
00:23:31,060 --> 00:23:32,930
I love to help people stay healthy.
452
00:23:32,980 --> 00:23:36,690
Plus, I make a ton
of extra money selling steroids.
453
00:23:36,740 --> 00:23:38,970
We should do a one-on-one
session, just you and me.
454
00:23:39,020 --> 00:23:41,690
Stretching and flexing together...
455
00:23:41,740 --> 00:23:43,250
Hans...
456
00:23:43,300 --> 00:23:45,180
I think I'm in trouble.
457
00:23:46,500 --> 00:23:48,540
Sorry, Jamie. Don't move.
458
00:23:51,060 --> 00:23:52,410
Hey, what's up?
459
00:23:52,460 --> 00:23:55,050
Everything's blurry,
my heart's racing,
460
00:23:55,100 --> 00:23:56,650
and my jaw won't stop doing this.
461
00:23:56,700 --> 00:23:59,730
Sadie, I'm pretty sure
I'm in with this guy, OK?
462
00:23:59,780 --> 00:24:01,410
As a friend I'd appreciate it
463
00:24:01,460 --> 00:24:03,370
if maybe you'd stop being
a cock-blocker,
464
00:24:03,420 --> 00:24:04,970
or, you know, muff buffer.
465
00:24:05,020 --> 00:24:07,210
If you're feeling rough,
go get some fresh air
466
00:24:07,260 --> 00:24:10,050
and I'll see you in 20 minutes.
467
00:24:10,100 --> 00:24:12,450
Maybe an hour if me and him
start getting off. OK?
468
00:24:12,500 --> 00:24:14,260
OK.
469
00:24:17,060 --> 00:24:18,690
Anyway, I'm imagining you and me
470
00:24:18,740 --> 00:24:20,850
and you know those massive
exercise balls...
471
00:24:20,900 --> 00:24:22,090
CRASH
472
00:24:22,140 --> 00:24:23,890
You'd think she was the first person
473
00:24:23,940 --> 00:24:26,780
to have a bit too much
Albanian paint thinner!
474
00:24:28,740 --> 00:24:30,690
TV: '..places on Earth
were sterile.
475
00:24:30,740 --> 00:24:33,130
'Life there was thought to be
simply impossible...'
476
00:24:33,180 --> 00:24:34,410
DOORBELL
477
00:24:34,460 --> 00:24:36,130
'..just as it seemed
to be absent...'
478
00:24:36,180 --> 00:24:39,340
DOORBELL RINGS REPEATEDLY
TV OFF
479
00:24:42,060 --> 00:24:43,450
Ritchie Rich!
480
00:24:43,500 --> 00:24:45,610
Dan, where are the animals?
481
00:24:45,660 --> 00:24:48,210
I don't know what
you're talking about.
482
00:24:48,260 --> 00:24:51,930
The surgery's fully fitted
with an alarm system and CCTV.
483
00:24:51,980 --> 00:24:55,010
I know you broke in
and took the animals,
484
00:24:55,060 --> 00:24:57,850
and for some reason
urinated in one of the sinks!
485
00:24:57,900 --> 00:25:01,090
I don't care why you did it, Dan,
OK?
486
00:25:01,140 --> 00:25:03,570
I just need to get them back.
487
00:25:03,620 --> 00:25:06,540
So I'm going to ask you again...
488
00:25:07,660 --> 00:25:09,730
Where are the animals?
489
00:25:09,780 --> 00:25:11,370
I let them go.
490
00:25:11,420 --> 00:25:14,250
What do you mean, you let them go?
491
00:25:14,300 --> 00:25:15,690
I was just trying to help.
492
00:25:15,740 --> 00:25:18,050
You said you hated the fact
they had to be put down,
493
00:25:18,100 --> 00:25:21,690
so I thought I'd, you know,
let them live.
494
00:25:21,740 --> 00:25:25,170
I mean, a couple basically
got run over immediately,
495
00:25:25,220 --> 00:25:27,850
but the others are all...
496
00:25:27,900 --> 00:25:28,970
gone.
497
00:25:29,020 --> 00:25:33,010
Oh, oh! Shit! Shitting shit!
498
00:25:33,060 --> 00:25:37,010
Do you have any idea
what I stand to lose here?!
499
00:25:37,060 --> 00:25:40,410
I could lose my vet's licence,
my surgery and...
500
00:25:40,460 --> 00:25:44,700
I'm fucked... I'm literally fucked!
501
00:25:47,380 --> 00:25:49,650
Whoa, Rich,
502
00:25:49,700 --> 00:25:52,300
I don't want to see you like this.
503
00:25:54,620 --> 00:25:58,490
Listen, mate...
Last year when I was in prison...
504
00:25:58,540 --> 00:26:00,770
What? You were in prison?
505
00:26:00,820 --> 00:26:03,850
Yeah. But before you ask, yes,
it was for a non-violent crime.
506
00:26:03,900 --> 00:26:05,530
No, I was not...
507
00:26:05,580 --> 00:26:06,930
DOOR OPENS
508
00:26:06,980 --> 00:26:09,570
Are you sure I shouldn't go
to A&E?
509
00:26:09,620 --> 00:26:11,850
Sadie? Rich!
510
00:26:11,900 --> 00:26:14,250
Er, we just had a quick drink.
511
00:26:14,300 --> 00:26:16,170
She had a little bit
too much rose.
512
00:26:16,220 --> 00:26:19,730
Where have you been?
What's happened to your face, baby?
513
00:26:19,780 --> 00:26:21,450
Hannah invited me over
514
00:26:21,500 --> 00:26:24,650
and she was like, "We should
hang out more, blah, blah, blah,"
515
00:26:24,700 --> 00:26:27,010
so we went to a club
and she drugged me.
516
00:26:27,060 --> 00:26:29,900
What?! Do you know I think that is
all much worse than what I did.
517
00:26:31,020 --> 00:26:33,850
Rich, I think I need some more air.
518
00:26:33,900 --> 00:26:36,460
Otherwise my heart
might stop beating again.
519
00:26:40,020 --> 00:26:42,290
What is wrong with you people?!
520
00:26:42,340 --> 00:26:45,210
If you think about it, I did save
a lot of live... Er, in my defence...
521
00:26:45,260 --> 00:26:48,450
Did things get out of hand? Perhaps.
I'm not saying I deserve a promotion.
522
00:26:48,500 --> 00:26:49,660
Shut up!
523
00:26:51,140 --> 00:26:52,890
I am not a violent man.
524
00:26:52,940 --> 00:26:54,690
I have dedicated myself
525
00:26:54,740 --> 00:26:57,570
to protecting the gift
that is life!
526
00:26:57,620 --> 00:26:59,930
So hear me when I say this -
527
00:26:59,980 --> 00:27:04,010
you are the most sick and twisted
people I have ever met
528
00:27:04,060 --> 00:27:08,650
and I pray to God
that the two of you die...
529
00:27:08,700 --> 00:27:10,650
together, arm in arm,
530
00:27:10,700 --> 00:27:12,930
in a horrific...
531
00:27:12,980 --> 00:27:14,540
boat crash!
532
00:27:18,860 --> 00:27:21,090
Boat crash?
533
00:27:21,140 --> 00:27:22,810
Who dies in a boat crash?
534
00:27:22,860 --> 00:27:25,570
I think that was a legitimate
death threat. I do, seriously.
535
00:27:25,620 --> 00:27:28,490
That guy is a dick.
What did I tell you?!
536
00:27:28,540 --> 00:27:30,370
Whoa, what happened to your arms?
537
00:27:30,420 --> 00:27:33,890
Oh, yeah, I got bitten quite
a few times by those animals.
538
00:27:33,940 --> 00:27:36,570
Shit. Yeah,
and my jaw is sort of locking up,
539
00:27:36,620 --> 00:27:38,530
so I'm like 80% sure
I've got tetanus. Urgh.
540
00:27:38,580 --> 00:27:41,290
Do you reckon you could take me
to the hospital tomorrow morning?
541
00:27:41,340 --> 00:27:44,340
Hmm. Well, I've sort of got
a lot on tomorrow, so...no?
542
00:27:44,390 --> 00:27:48,940
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