Original subtitles

Doug: Oh, I-I put the sauerkraut

back where it's supposed to go.

Oh, you're so good.

We had those two brands, and I was looking at them,

and they're always to-- like, together.

Like, side-by-side.

And I thought maybe...

maybe you could be my girlfriend?

Girlfriend?

Yeah.

'Cause, you know, it's kind of a steady thing.

Oh, Dougie, don't do this.

But we're having a love affair.

A love affair?

[ Sighs ]

This is an inappropriate work relationship.

That's the fun part.

But I want more.

Look, kiddo, I really like you. I do.

You got a really great hog on you.

But I'm 18 credits away from finishing veterinary school.

I've got my friends and family.

I've got my physical needs.

You satisfy one of those things but not the other two, baby.

[ Sighs ]

Let's not make this messy.

I'm gonna feel how I feel.

Then maybe we should, uh...

get back to work.

[ Door closes ]

David: "Pursuant to the requirements

set out by Illinois Statute 225 ILCS-107,

I am required to inform you

that I am not a licensed psychologist, psychiatrist,

or a registered therapist,

but that these therapy sessions are being tape-recorded

to provide a record of the 1,920 supervised clinical hours

needed to acquire such a license."

[ Sobbing quietly ]

I'm sorry.

This is weird.

I notice that we're here every week together

and you're always crying, so I got you these.

Thank you.

Feel better.

Sue: Ready, David?

[ Sobbing continues ]

Hello, David.

Hi.

Hi.

How are you today?

Good.

Is everything all right?

How about you?

I'm doing very well, thank you.

Okay. Yeah, same here.

Uh, I love therapy,

and I really like getting to know my patients

in a strictly professional way.

Is there something you'd like to discuss?

Not necessarily. Whatever's on your mind.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, I had...

uh, one patient this last week

who had a difficult problem.

Well, okay, so, you just had a patient in here.

You know, I'm assuming she had a problem.

So, for example, what was your patient's problem?

David.

You know I can't talk about that.

Right, I know, but I'll tell you

Well, David, you tell me about your patients' problems...

Right ... because I'm your supervisor.

Right, and then we can kind of do, like,

some kind of cross-case study analysis where, you know,

we see how their problems line up.

We don't do that. Okay, 'cause --

My patients' information is private information.

I hear that.

Private Information reporting for duty.

Good.

I don't want you to tell me.

I don't want that burden.

You know, I've got my own patients,

and he or she is just full of troubles.

Um...

So I don't want you to tell me anything.

But, maybe, you know, just blink if it's OCD.

Shoplifting?

A benign tumor scare?

General relationship stuff,

like an ex is back in the picture.

David, I'm going to have to blink at some point.

Or maybe there's a guy in her life that's too good for her,

and she's afraid of that, or maybe he's bad for her.

Ah, which one? Which one? It came right in the middle.

My eyeballs just needed hydrating.

Okay, it's an ex. An ex is back in her life.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah, my patient, too.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[ Inhales sharply ]

?

I didn't expect to see you.

Yeah, been a while, huh?

[ Chuckles ]

So...

no offense, but...

why are you here?

I-I've been out there. I have seen other therapists.

And you're the one I want to be with.

How do I know you're not just gonna leave again?

[ Knock on door ]

Hi.

Where's Daniel?

Sandy: Daniel wanted a wife.

And he finally got tired of waiting.

So he left. He's gone.

And I'm not happy about it.

I've been arguing with the woman at Starbucks

just to have some human connection.

You can have human connection without arguing.

-Can you? -You can.

-Oh, you can? -Yes, of course.

Really, you can? Of course. Yeah, of course you can.

Okay, so you know everything?

This is what I miss.

Have you thought of not living together?

-I've tried. -No.

Okay, see, I'm getting two --

We can't afford to live on our own.

Is that what brought you to live together?

After his divorce, I came, and I moved in

because he was so sad and broken.

I was fine.

From now on, I want you to promise

that you are completely honest and open about everything, okay?

That is totally fair, yes.

Uh, I should tell you that my name is not Yourg.

God damn it!

I think you might be projecting

some of your own anxiety and some of your own depression

onto your brother Kyle.

I don't even know how to do that!

You might not know how to do that.

Your behavior is that.

I think that is what's happening.

It's Tom.

-Tom? -Tom.

Yeah.

How did you come up with Y-O-U-R-G?

Uh, I think you might have done it, accidentally.

Oh, I can't wait to hear this.

I'm guessing now you said, "Oh, so what's your name?"

And I was in the middle of saying,

"Your garage is your office?"

And I didn't want you to feel embarrassed

about that being the case,

and I think I just got up to, "Your g--"

and I think you just thought that was my name.

Yeah, I said, "Yourg? Yourg is your name?

Well, that's an interesting name."

You seemed so fragile at the time,

I didn't want to break you.

What was the root of the problem,

in your opinion, between the two of you?

He wants to get married.

I do not want to get married at all.

I slapped him across the face on his birthday

when he won Monopoly.

-Can I say something? -Uh-huh.

Have you guys talked about Brian?

Yes, we've talked about Brian.

and the relationship with Brian is going really well.

And I think Caroline is a little worried

that the current living situation might --

Brian's a doll.

-Excuse me? -Brian's a doll.

No, there's -- He's thinking of --

It's a latex doll.

He's thinking of my body pillow.

Did you lie to me about anything else?

No.

Well, what -- You know what,

we'll just cross that bridge when we get to it.

We're at the bridge now. Let's cross it together.

My name is Marv.

It's not. It's not.

If he wanted to be with me, he would be with me.

But have you talked to him?

No, I can't put a gun to his head.

No, you can't do that.

I literally can't do that.

Legally.

Which blows.

Are you hearing what your sister is saying?

It's a body pillow that's shaped like a man.

Oh, no, it's not a body pillow.

It's -- That's like a sex doll.

It's a body pillow. I have a body pillow.

It has a dong on it.

No, it's just correct.

It's detachable.

She has a hard one and a soft one,

and she switches them out all the time.

It came with those. I don't use them.

Marv -- Come on. That's as bad as Yourg.

Yeah, it is.

Except other people are named Marv.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

-So it's Tom? -What?

It's Tom?

-My name? -Mm-hmm.

Oh, sure.

"Sure" or "yes"?

Those are synonyms.

All right, we're going with Tom.

All right, I like it.

Do you think you're a sociopath or just...

mean?

Can you be both?

Yeah.

Yeah, I probably am.

Doug: What's crazy about it?

We're gonna be boyfriend/girlfriend.

It's our destiny.

I need your support on this.

Your my best friend and my therapist.

Former therapist.

[ Sighs ]

She says she has other priorities.

Maintaining relationships with family and friends.

And her physical pleasure comes last.

God, Doug...

those are incredibly clear priorities.

Okay?

You gotta respect that.

The truth is, you deserve to be with someone

and wants to include you... Thank you.

...in their family and friends.

I mean, if she's saying

there's no chance for long-term potential

and that's what you want,

you're gonna have to stop doing whatever it is you're doing.

Sex in her office. I asked you not to say it.

Sex in her office in the grocery store where we both work.

I'm gonna go eat lunch someplace else, okay?

No. You're staying here.

Well, text me where you are, then I'll join you.

Doug just thinks that he can continue that behavior

and there's gonna be no consequences to it,

which is so frustrating.

[ Sighs ]

I just get worried when I see a patient

making the wrong choices.

Well, that's perfectly natural in your position, David.

It just means you have empathy.

It makes me feel powerless, though.

You know, I mean, I don't have a life,

so all I do is think about other people's problems.

Empathy is good,

and thinking about your job is obviously necessary.

But you can't get so personally invested

in your patients' lives.

What do you mean?

Are you talking about something specific?

That's not what I meant.

Because I wouldn't do that.

[ Chuckles ] You know?

It's not like I'm going on bike rides with these people.

That's not what I'm implying, David.

Okay, good. Because I want to help.

And when I see a patient,

you know, going in the wrong direction,

it's hard to just sit in my garage and let it happen.

Aren't we allowed to steer them onto the right path?

I'm going to be firm with you now.

You are not listening to me.

Do not roll your eyes at me, David.

I'm sorry.

It's not our job to manipulate people.

It's to allow our patients

to make those discoveries for themselves.

Okay.

I think we're done for today.

We have like six minutes.

Yeah, I think our time's up for today.

All right.

I guess I'll just...

Okay.

I'm not saying that you should marry Daniel.

What I'm saying is...

don't you think it would be nice if you married Daniel?

Marriage is just so long.

I'm doing this for Daniel.

I am better in small doses.

But you love Daniel.

But one of the reasons I love Daniel

is he's willing to put up

with what an enormous pain in the ass I am.

Okay, I don't ordinarily agree

with patient statements like that,

but I want to praise you for your self-awareness.

I just don't want to start over.

Hey, I understand.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

I-I was dating this wonderful woman,

and when we broke up, I thought

[chuckles] I'm never gonna get over it.

But then I met this new girl, and she's great.

But I can't be with her, either.

And now I don't know if I'm ever gonna find anybody --

Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Are you?

I am. I am.

Do you think there's anyone else out there

that you could date who's willing to put up

with all the things that you bring to the table?

I don't need to think about it. I know there's not.

Then you need to do everything you can

to win back Daniel, you know?

Otherwise, he's just gonna slip away

and start seeing some other therapist,

like you don't even exist. Okay, I'm gonna need 100% of the attention on me.

My time.

Okay.

Daniel always understood that.

Look, do you want to win back Daniel?

Yes, of course I do. Are you kidding?

That is specifically why I'm here.

Okay, so that's the most important thing to you?

What -- What is your deal?

Suck it.

I'm not gonna suck it. I --

Suck my dick.

Stop telling me to suck your dick.

I know you don't have a dick, and it's not polite to say.

I'm trying to help you.

If you want to win him back,

you're gonna need to make a grand gesture.

Oh, yeah, I've got "grand gesture"

written all over my fucking face.

Hey, he left your fucking face, all right?

If you want him back

standing in front of your fucking face,

you're gonna have to do something big. Okay?

Ooh, there you go.

Yeah, now...

And your favorite.

Okay.

Ooh, hot. That's hot.

[ Both laugh ]

What's the special occasion?

Why, it's our anniversary, silly.

15 years.

15. [ Chuckles ]

Of course. I'm kidding.

"What's the special occasion?"

[ Chuckles ]

I knew it was your anniversary.

You knew.

Your gift is on the way.

Oh, sweetie!

I should have done two-day delivery.

I -- Yeah, I -- Man, I forgot that

one of the days was a Sunday. Oh.

I checked the box for weekend delivery.

-No. Never. -Yeah.

In other words, you know, it's -- it's on its way.

Well, it will get here, and we'll get something then.

-We'll be surprised. -Yeah.

Can't go wrong with mac and trees. No.

-Looks good. -They're Rollie's favorite.

-Good. It's good, hon. -Yeah. Yeah.

-Well, happy anniversary. -Thank you, sweetie.

And as soon as the gift gets here, it's all yours.

Don't worry about it.

I'm sure it will. Right.

That's so sweet.

[ Sniffs ] What's that smell?

I mean, they always go to the Italian Village

on their anniversary.

Why would they be eating here?

It's their anniversary.

Yeah, I know what you're trying to do, okay?

Oh. Well, keep telling yourself that

and it's not the fact that they're cutting corners

because you ruined our lives.

You're not gonna make me feel guilty right now.

See what I got 'em?

Yeah.

[ Whooshes ]

A gift card, nice.

It's a $50 gift card, buddy.

-Oh. -Oh, wait.

Dr. David, I think there's another baby in there.

[ Lamaze breathing ]

Wah! Wah!

Two $50 gift cards.

Wow.

Happy anniversary.

Ooh. Look at you, with stuff.

Barry.

Hm.

-Ooh! -Look at that.

Mon Ami Gabi.

Oh, sweetie.

Ooh, that's French and fancy.

Oh, $50 at the Lumber Barn.

Hey! Yeah, that's gonna be nice.

I could just cry. That's so sweet.

Thank you. Thank you.

It was sweet, wasn't it?

Even though, you know, you didn't birth me,

I-I still remembered.

David: [ Sighs ] I've called Rachel.

I've already left her too many messages.

I mean, she's seeing another therapist,

so clearly, I said or did something wrong.

[ Sighs ]

Man.

I just have to realize it's over.

Can you hand me a silver one?

I thought we had a shot. Maybe I went too far.

We went for a bike ride in the park,

and I showed her my ass.

David, sometimes you're like a mongoose

when you should be more like a tortoise.

You're trying to get your favorite song on the radio,

to play your song more than once.

He has a playlist.

Also, you're in prison and you only get one call.

So you should be more like a tortoise

and know what your favorite song is

but also remember you're in prison.

You know what I mean?

I have no idea what you mean.

What I mean is, sometimes you're a little O.T.T.

O.T.T.? What the hell is that?

Over the top.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Yeah, I'm over the top.

Yeah, you're over the top.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

[ Cellphone chimes ]

?

Julia: Ah, Dougie.

Don't do this.

[ Brakes squeak ]

Are you sure you're ready for this?

Yes.

Are you drinking shampoo?

No, you fucking idiot. It's sauvignon blanc.

That's a travel bottle of Head & Shoulders.

No, it's a vessel for wine,

to take the edge off before crunch time.

Why the fuck would I drink shampoo?

Okay, let's put a pin in that for now.

you're doing the right thing.

Going into a big family event and telling Daniel

in front of everyone how much you love him

and how much he means to you, there's no grander gesture.

Mm.

Let's roll before this wears off.

So what is this, some kind of high school play

or, like, a choir doing a concert or something?

Ooh. Hey, wait.

Are you going in there? What are you --

You said this was a family gathering.

It is. Everyone's here.

Except for the guy who's going in the ground.

And, technically, he's here, too.

And Uncle Raymond didn't like much

besides model trains and dinner at home.

Oh, he loved dinner.

Boy, did he love dinner.

He always said that dinner brought people closer together.

Well, he wasn't exactly famous for bringing people...

together...

Hey, Peggy.

Sandy.

Sit down, please.

I just need a second here.

Daniel...

Sandy, what are you doing?

God fucking damn it.

Daniel, uh, I know you've proposed to me,

like, a dozen times and I've always said no.

And I know that I'm not the easiest person to be with.

She's a nightmare.

Shut the fuck up, Jeff!

Don't you need to make out with your mom?! Sandy!

What I'm trying to say

is I know I can be a beast, and I'm not gonna change.

But if you're cool with being with a person like this

for the rest of your life,

then I guess I'm cool with it, too.

And you're the only person that I've --

A thousand times yes! Yes!

Oh, my God! Honey!

Oh, I can't believe this.

-What's happening? -When should we do it?

She's proposing to him.

Now I've seen everything.

Oh, my God! Summer!

Chicago in the summer and Navy Pier.

Why are we waiting? Let's do it today.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. One step at a time.

There she goes. Back-out central.

Eat my ass, Jeff! Oh, hi, Nancy!

I'm so glad you got out of the halfway house!

You're such a fucking ass-clown. Okay, Okay.

-Let's go. Let's go. -This whole family. God!

-I'm so happy for you. -David, I'm so happy!

Bunch of blowjobs. You're all a bunch of fucking blowjobs.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Try to do one nice thing...

Now I've seen everything.

If you say it again, we're gonna put you in the car.

Sandy: Damn it, I wish I never fucking came here.

This is a bunch of riffraff and bullshit.

Rachel: Hey, this is Rachel. Leave a message.

[ Beep ] Bunch of ass-clowns.

Hey, Rachel.

Uh, sorry to call you again and leave you another message.

You must think I'm a real psycho at this point.

Um...

I'm having a good day.

I just crashed a funeral and...

walking through a graveyard,

and I realized I have to say what I have to say.

And I'm just gonna say what I have to say.

What I have to say is...

I really like you.

And I'm really confused why you haven't gotten back to me.

And I should have said something when I saw you in Sue's office,

but I didn't know what I had to say,

and now I know what I have to say,

and, well, I guess I already said it.

God, I'm a mess.

This is David Tracy, by the way.

Bye.

?

Mom, I can do this. I know you can do it.

Look, you knock down the walls.

I got a faux-granite guy. We get granite counters.

No, you are not knocking down my walls! No!

-I can flip the house! -No, I need my walls.

Otherwise, I don't know what room I'm in.

I can flip it. That's money in the bank.

Hey, Dr. David, one of your freaks is in the garage.

Barry!

Who is it?

I'm not your secretary.

But, if you want, I can tag you out in a minute,

save the day, like I did the other day.

No, never do that. All right?

Did you hear him, Barry? Never do that.

He doesn't like it when you tag him. Also, you got to tell him.

The garage is not going. I'm gonna put up a pagoda.

?

Hello, Dr. David.

Hi, Avery.

Uh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize we had an appointment.

Oh, well, this is my weekly therapy session.

No. We met a few days ago.

We met four days and four hours ago.

It's 100 hours.

I'm currently working on a 100-hour week.

Okay. Um...

I'm sorry, I don't have my notes.

[ Knock on door ]

Uh, I'm sorry. Just ignore that.

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking this plays right into my OCD.

Well, I want to tell you --

Jesus Christ, Barry, go away!

I'm so sorry. Continue.

Anyway, the number 100 is a perfect number.

It has two zeroes next to each other.

[ Knocking continues ]

Let me just get rid of him.

[ Sighs ]

I'll be back in five minutes.

Six minutes? Could you make it six minutes?

Sure.

I'll be counting.

Hey.

I'm sorry to just drop by.

I was...

No, when I saw you at Sue's office,

I thought you were seeing her now.

I am.

[ Chuckles ] But, um...

Get some closure.

Oh. Sure, okay.

I've been thinking a lot about things in my life.

I don't know, I-I met this really great guy

who has given me a lot of perspective on that stuff.

I have a tendency to, like, put walls up and stuff.

But I think this guy is different.

So I figured I better start

trying to work on this stuff for real,

'cause I think he's a kind of guy who's worth letting in.

Well, Sue's definitely the right therapist for that.

She's great at helping people with their walls.

Yeah.

Are you...

Are you not reading between the lines here?

What are you talking about?

Um...

I'm the guy?

Yes, you're the guy.

Whoa, I'm the guy.

[ Laughs ]

So you went to Sue to see if we can...

Yeah, see what this is, if you want to.

And what is it?

Well, I'm hoping, um, I think, it's this.

?

Yeah. I'm very aware of that.

But I don't.

[ Laughs ]

That makes one of us.

[ Laughs ]

?

?

?

357...

358...

359...

360.

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