Original subtitles

Can I see my surprise now?

Not unless you promise you won't sell it.

[ Scoffs ] I just hope you didn't use

your whole paycheck from the store on me.

Okay, that didn't sound like a promise,

but go ahead and open your eyes.

Hamilton Beach.

All right, Mom.

No, push-button controls, automatic timer.

I can set it and forget it. I --

Oh, look. Look.

Thumb-activated lid makes pouring easy.

Coned filter for excellent flavor and extraction.

Rollie's gonna die.

Oh.

Rollie!

Rollie, it's a Hamilton Beach!

Rollie!

Rollie?! It's a Hamilton Beach!

What? What?

She knows Hamilton Beach is basic, David.

It's a good coffee maker.

Let me guess -- you got this on Craigslist, huh,

when you were casting your little net

for all those perverts you catfish in the garage?

First off, they're not perverts.

Second, you're definitely using "catfish" incorrectly.

I know what it means, David. I've been catfished nine times.

Oh, that's too bad.

You want to go in the garage and talk about it sometime?

Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you?

[ Chuckles ]

Nobody pays full price at Bed Bath & Beyond.

The Beyond stands for 20% off coupon.

All right. Go back into your troll hole.

Oh, my God!

Hey, Brit! David didn't use a coupon at the BBB.

What a fucking tool!

"Pursuant to the requirements

set out by Illinois Statute 225 ILCS-107,

I am required to inform you

that I am not a licensed psychologist, psychiatrist,

or registered therapist." You forgot doctor.

You're not a doctor, either, remember?

Look, Kendra, this is weird enough.

I mean, you're Doug's sister. We grew up together.

Yeah, well, I think you caused a lot of damage in me, so...

[ Sighs ]

"But that these therapy sessions are being tape-recorded

to provide a record of the 1,920 supervised clinical hours

needed to acquire such a license." Great.

That way, your boss can hear how you wrecked my childhood.

[ Tape recorder clicks ] Kendra, I told you,

I shouldn't even be seeing you as a therapist.

It's unethical. Okay, that is a lie.

I looked it up, and the Internet says it is a gray area.

[ Sighs ]

[ Tape recorder clicks ]

So, Miss Harnz,

you seem to have some pretty profound anger issues.

Would you care to discuss?

Um, well, I think that you are a source of my rage.

Okay.

That adds another layer to what we're doing here.

Where do you want to start?

Okay.

Is that your diary?

"May 10, 1996. My first holy communion.

The wafers were crunchier than I thought,

and the wine made me feel funny.

We had a big party afterwards.

Everything was going great until David and Doug came in

with Super Soakers and super-soaked me."

[ Chuckles ] That is still funny to you?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know what I did

I ate a whole bowl of potato salad

alone in a closet in a wet gown.

You didn't change clothes? No.

It was your house. That closet was probably full of dry clothes.

Okay, well, I'm just saying it because I --

it was the first time of a lot of times

that I was really sad in a closet.

Oh, for God's sake. Oh, for God's sake, listen up.

I don't know why they think they can talk to me like that.

Are you referring to your patients or your family?

My family. Well, really just my stepbrother, Barry.

Have you considered there may be some truth

behind what he's saying?

No. I don't think so.

Have you tried looking at the relationship

from his perspective?

He's not a good person.

Perhaps this is an opportunity for you

to examine how Barry perceives you.

I mean, maybe there's something you can learn

from his critiques.

He's a public toilet at a Metallica concert.

Do you know what I'm saying?

I understand "public toilet."

Yeah. It really could be anywhere.

He's a public toilet.

Imagine...

that Barry is injured.

Good.

That -- Was that the point of it?

No. Mnh-mnh. Oh, okay.

Oh, I thought it was just to make me feel good. That was just the --

Okay. I'm sorry. The lead in.

So, I'm just curious. Uh, how did you find my ad?

Were you referred by a friend or...?

Actually, I Googled "Chicago free therapy,"

and your Craigslist ad was on the first page.

Wow. First page.

Do you remember how far down it was on the first page?

It doesn't matter. It was on the bottom.

I had to scroll down quite a bit.

Maybe could have been the second page.

We don't -- We don't need to get into all that.

But that's great.

Um, so what's going on with you?

I play basketball at my college. I'm a starter.

Nice! It is.

But I'm having trouble getting my teammates

to back me up on the court. I played in high school.

I'm pretty good at sports.

I was a point guard, obviously, 'cause of my body type.

But I had a lot of post moves, even against taller guys.

You get the back in there... which was tough,

'cause my center of gravity is, like, here.

I don't have the thickest legs, but, uh...

the ball handling was elite.

And my shot was... hmm, better than streaky.

What I'm trying to say is if I caught fire, I was money.

Cool.

My problem is I'm not really able

to trash-talk to the other teams.

Trash talk? Oh, come on.

That's like half the fun of basketball.

I saw your mom last night. Mmm. She looked good.

That's not possible. My mom's in Florida right now.

Oh, no, you're not supposed

to take the trash talking literally.

That's not the point. [ Chuckles ]

Also, I wasn't done yet. I was gonna say,

"I had sex with your mom last night in a very graphic way."

My mom's a good Christian woman. Of course.

I'm sorry. I was trash talking.

"December 23, 2000.

Looks like Santa brought me my present early.

My last baby tooth finally fell out."

[ Chuckles ] I'm sorry.

There is nothing funny about a 15-year-old with baby teeth.

Um, objectively speaking, I have to disagree.

Okay, you know what? I will see you next week.

Oh, Kendra, no, come on!

Maybe you will have it together by then.

I'm sorry. Baby teeth kill me! Kendra!

I was brought up not to insult people

or curse or any of that stuff.

So it's just unnatural for me to talk like that.

I have an idea.

I've always found the best thing to do

is to attack a person's physical attributes,

even if it's not true. Watch.

I'll have you say this as if I'm your opponent.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm not saying that.

Oh. Uh...

the vulgarity's kind of the point.

Would you feel comfortable saying "titty baby"?

It means, uh, someone

who is still acting like a child so much

that they're still sucking on their mom's tits...for milk.

I just don't know where it all came from.

Kendra was so mad.

You know my sister. She just gets mad sometimes.

Well, this was very targeted and specific hatred.

She holds on to things.

I forget, but I think she has a photographic memory.

[ Soft jazz playing ]

Doug, did you just see what Julia did to you?

Yeah, it's kind of her thing.

She can't do that.

Sure she can. She's the boss.

Doug, seriously, that's our superior.

How does it make you feel when she's that inappropriate to you?

I feel flattered.

I feel desired.

I feel masculine.

Hey, Dougie.

Is that a phone in your back pocket?

Yeah, why?

'Cause that ass is calling me.

And masculine. Did I say masculine?

Remember that guy I was telling you about -- Luther?

Yeah, yeah.

That's not really a name you forget about easily.

So, um, that's still an ongoing thing?

No, not as of last week.

Oh, that's awes...ful.

What? That's awsful.

That's awful. It's, uh...

That is too bad.

Yeah. Yeah.

What the fuck?

Doug!

Doug, it's Horse.

You got to let me get a shot off for the game to start.

Sorry. I'm a natural defender.

Hey, why don't we play with those guys over there?

Ah, we can't. You see the guy in blue?

He's one of my patients.

Are you allowed to tell me that?

Probably not.

I fouled. My bad.

It's on me, yeah.

Why are you spying on him?

I'm observing.

When you're a therapist, it's called observing, Doug.

Oh.

Travel -- your ball.

What are you doing? Dude, what the fuck?!

[ Net swishes ] Horse!

I have, um... a lot of dark thoughts

in my waking state and in my sleep.

Mm-hmm.

Um, I have trouble leaving the house.

I have a... fear of rejection.

Mm-hmm. And heights.

Mm-hmm. And I think everybody hates me.

And I'm afraid of death and birds.

Okay, so you're starting with just a bullet-point list

of all the stuff. Mm-hmm.

Okay. That's fine.

Um, are you sure we don't know each other?

I didn't go to high school around here, so...

Okay, sorry. Never mind. Keep going.

Um, I have this stepbrother.

Mm-hmm.

He's a real piece of shit.

[ Laughs ] I can relate to this.

Really? Oh. More than you know.

Oh, really? I'd get into it, but...

Sure. But, yeah.

What is it about him that bothers you?

He's an idiot, you know? He's stupid.

Oh, yeah, I can relate. He likes stupid stuff.

We're on the same page. Yeah.

He thinks he's better than everybody else.

Yeah, but probably has no reason to think that.

Yep. Yep.

Yeah, we're definitely tracking. This is, uh...

He's got a dumb face, like a face

that you just want to punch but you can't.

Sure. You know?

Have you tried looking at the relationship

through his perspective?

[ Scoffs ] I can't even, because he's such a loser.

You know?

In fact, one time, I caught him masturbating

to a skateboarding magazine.

[ Laughs ]

What? Yeah.

Yeah, he was drooling looking at the half pipes.

He's a real sicko. [ Laughs ]

[ Barry laughing ]

All right.

[ Screams ]

Oh, yeah! You think it's real funny,

wasting my time with your stupid jokes?

It was pretty funny, man. Relax.

Dude, he got you pretty good.

Oh, he got me good? Yeah, I got you, man.

You got me good, huh? Take a joke, bro.

I'm trying to help people in there, all right,

and you're wasting my time, and for the record,

it wasn't a skateboarding magazine.

It was a Playboy wrapped inside of a skateboarding magazine.

What in the world is going on out here?!

The neighbors can hear this.

Yeah, and I just fixed this railing, by the way.

Your idiot son thinks he's being funny,

but he's wasting my time.

Renetta?

David, Barry is not an idiot.

Okay, fine, he's an asshole, then.

Yeah, this asshole just took a deuce

on your fake therapy sessions. A what?

You're ruining our lives. Renetta: Barry.

Barry, I want you to come inside with me right now.

Kyle, go home.

You got it, Mrs. T.

Everybody knows this moron?

Hey, man, just think of it as fake practice

for your fake practice.

Shut up. Get inside.

Inside right now.

Rollie: What the hell did he say anyway?

He got one of his friends to pretend to be a patient,

tried to embarrass me with stuff he knows about me.

The skateboarding magazine stuff?

No, it was a Playboy wrapped inside --

Look, David, we all know

you're going through a tough time, okay?

And your mom told me she cosigned those loans.

[ Sighs ]

Rollie... It's all right.

I mean, if we're gonna go down,

we're all gonna go down together.

We're not going down. I don't know.

That's a lot of ones and zeros, I tell you.

But, look, I know you're all about this being a doctor thing,

but things change.

You know, there's a lot of ups and downs in life. Look at me.

Before I met your mom, I was a single dad in the '90s

living with a kid who was a complete...

Well, you know Barry. Yeah.

[ Refrigerator door slams ] Barry...

I know you think you have to act like a tough guy,

but I can see underneath all that,

and I know that somewhere in there,

you are nothing but a sweetheart.

What are you talking about? I'm not sweet.

What is wrong with this orange? Is it real? Just...

I was so angry all the time.

My mind was just a polluted ocean

full of crap with fish swimming around in nets.

And, you know, you'd cut them open,

they'd be full of bottle caps and six-pack rings.

I mean, the madness just wouldn't stop.

Thanks, Rollie. This is helping.

But, hey, instead of just teeing off on people

and wanting to jack somebody all the time, now I count to 200.

What? I'm serious. This works.

Try it with me.

One...

two...

three, four... Three, four...

Well, you know I went down to the Y to cancel my dance class

because things are pretty tight around here.

And what do you know.

Someone had prepaid my dance class

through the end of the year.

Do you know who that someone was?

No.

It was you, Barry.

You can't prove it.

That guy paid cash.

Shit.

[ Chuckles ]

...63, 64, 65... ...63, 64, 65...

Well, it's not the worst thing in the world

to let people know you're a good person.

Please don't tell Brittany.

If she finds out I do nice shit for people...

Oh, no. It's too soon in your relationship for that, no.

The expectations are just -- they're so low right now.

Keep them low. It's the right move for the moment.

It's a sweet spot. That's right.

...143, 144, 145... ...143, 144, 145...

Thanks, Rollie. This is really helping.

Hey, hey, just let the exercise do its job.

...147, 148, 149, 150... ...147, 148, 149, 150...

What are you doing?

Um, waiting for my appointment.

And what else are you doing?

Flipping though this People magazine.

The reading material is for paying customers.

This is from 2007.

Are you saying there was no money in 2007?

Pay up or put it down.

I'm not paying for a magazine from 2007.

Then put it down.

I see you reading.

Come on. Kid Rock got in a fight at a Waffle House.

I just want to know what happened.

The charges were dropped. Give me the magazine.

[ Chuckles ]

This thing is so old.

[ Magazine thuds ]

So, confronting him is good sometimes?

Absolutely. Focus on the conflict at hand.

Advocate for yourself, and then let go.

Stop reliving that injury.

David, I understand it's very difficult

to change our own thought patterns.

But the beauty is that we actually can.

Okay.

Meditating 12 minutes in the morning

has been proven

to change our most deeply ingrained thought patterns.

What's your understanding of meditation?

Uh, if you're able to focus on the cycle

of the breath going in and out, particularly the nostrils...

Mm-hmm.

...then you can kind of slow down your thoughts

so that as they appear, you kind of register them

and see, like, "Okay, that's that thought,"

and then it kind of moves on.

And you see the next thought come up.

And you're like, "Okay, that's that thought."

And then that moves on. And then, soon,

you can kind of pick and choose which thoughts to focus on,

but your ultimate goal is for all of them to fall.

That's a very good description.

I'd be mindful that you don't give yourself a headache.

How come?

Um...

something was happening with your eyes

while you were watching your thoughts. Oh, well, no.

Your eyes are closed when you're meditating. Great.

Yeah. Just making sure.

[ Sighs ] All right, boys. What do you want?

I don't have all night.

Doug, do you have something to say?

No, not really.

Okay, well, I...

we are a little tired of all the sexual harassment.

You tell me who's doing this to you,

and they are out of here tonight.

It's you.

[ Scoffs ] Are you serious?

You mean to tell me you're getting your little panties

all in a wad over a few compliments.

See, that right there, we don't wear panties.

You would look good in them, especially Dougie.

You seen those new jeans he's got?

He practically paints them on.

Come on, Doug. You heard what she just said.

Back me up here.

I mean, I did get a size too small on purpose.

I knew it.

Somebody leaving the candy out, trying to tempt me.

Okay, you can't say stuff like that.

David... can we have the room...

for professional reasons?

Get out now.

You've got to be kidding me.

David, your co-worker has asked you to leave the room.

I would like you to show him a little respect

by honoring his request.

[ Door opens ]

Just... [ Sighs ]

So, what happened with, uh, you and this Luther guy?

Um...

well, uh, he said that I was -- I was too closed off.

That I wasn't 100% in or that I had too many walls up.

The usual.

The usual? Is this something that you hear a lot?

Yeah. Only in every relationship I've ever been in.

[ Chuckles ]

I mean, I know what it is. It's a -- It's a trust thing.

Okay. Do you have a difficult time trusting people?

[ Chuckles ]

I guess my parents' horrible divorce

gave me some trust issues.

Look, I -- I know where it comes from.

I get it. And it's not even --

I'm not even, like, sad about Luther.

I think I'm sad...

about what that says about me.

Like, am I never gonna be able to trust anyone?

Or be in a real relationship?

Like, am I...

am I gonna be alone forever because of this?

[ Chuckles ]

I just -- I really -- I don't want my parents' shit

to ruin my chance at being happy.

I'm really sorry that happened to you.

Me too.

It sounds like you dodged a bullet with this Luther guy.

So I think you should feel good about that.

Thanks.

Where did you meet this guy anyway?

Oh, I was walking a dog. Oh, you have a dog?

No, no, no. I -- I love dogs, but, no, I-I just walk them.

Oh, okay. But he has a dog.

Oh. Who's gorgeous.

Dogs love me. They come up to me.

Well, that's great. Yeah.

Dogs have a good sense of people.

Well... Personalities.

I like to -- Like, when I see a dog,

I like to try to communicate telepathically with it

and let it know that I'm okay.

How do you do that?

Well, in my head, I just say, like, you know,

you're a good boy and I'm a good boy.

[ Laughs ] What?

You say, "I'm a good boy"?

Yeah, well, I am. I'm a good boy.

Yeah, but why do you need to tell a dog that?

'Cause I want the dog to believe that I'm a good boy, too.

We're both good boys. We're gonna get along.

You know?

I don't even understand why I have to trash-talk.

It's all about distracting your opponent.

The more offensive the trash talking is,

the more distracted the other player will be.

So just pretend that we're playing one-on-one.

I got the ball, you're guarding me.

I'm gonna hand you a card, and you're saying that to me

like it's trash talk.

I tweaked it a little bit and took out the swearing for you.

Cool? All right.

Okay, let's start.

You shoot so bad, they should charge you for free throws.

Okay, good, good. All right, but this time,

really mean it, all right?

I haven't seen a rebound that ugly

since your father remarried.

Good, but still a little hesitant.

Be aggressive with it.

I haven't seen a rebound that ugly

since your father remarried! Good.

All right, I see the confidence in your shoulders.

Okay, you got some swagger. Throw it at me.

You're insulting me.

I haven't stuffed anybody that hard

since I deleted Grindr. Yeah.

What's Grindr? Doesn't matter.

Now you're on a roll, okay?

You're really meaning it. Point it at me.

This is aggressive. You hate my guts. Say it.

I'm gonna cut off your face, wear it on my ass,

and shit out your mouth!

Yeah, I went too far with that one. I-I'm sorry.

But you're getting the hang of it.

"September 11, 2001.

David and Doug said they were going to

give me a ride home from school, but they left without me."

That's your only takeaway from that day?

There's nothing in there about 9/11?

That's not the point. Kendra, I'm happy that you're venting,

but I don't see how this is helping you.

I do.

Let's see...

"November 26, 2001.

David promised to take me to the Fall Social, but stupid me.

He lied, and I fell for it."

Okay, all right, stop right there.

I-I-I never agreed to that. Yes, you did!

No, I never said that -- Yes, you did!

You said you would go with me!

You've been blaming this on me for years.

I wouldn't make that up!

You said you'd go to the dance,

and you didn't show up.

I remember never saying yes.

Okay, listen, you were watching the WWE Survivor Series

with Doug and a bunch of his friends.

And I came in with pizza, and I was like...

? Ba da ba ba ba, I'm lovin' it ?

And you said, "Shut up."

And then after the Rock won, I said,

"Do you want to go to the dance?"

And you said, "Sure, only if you can smell what the Rock is cooking."

And I said, "I can. See you at 7:00."

And you said, "Yeah, sure, whatever."

Then there I was at 7:00...

standing alone in the corner

in a T.J. Maxx dress, 'cause that's all my mom could afford.

And I felt fucking stupid!

It was like, for once, I hoped things were gonna be different,

and...they weren't.

Next stop, potato salad, alone in the closet.

[ Sighs ]

Kendra, I'm sorry.

Doug and I didn't even go to the dance.

We spent the whole night throwing two liters of soda

off the overpass and watching them explode.

I know, 'cause I went to the fridge,

and all the Mountain Dew was gone.

Double whammy.

Look...

I can't go into the past and fix any of that.

But if coming in here and telling me

about all the ways that I hurt you makes you feel better,

then I will listen for as long as it takes.

Good.

"November 27, 2001.

David told me that he got some fake throw-up,

and I touched it, and it was real throw-up."

I think your mother's very attractive.

What?

That's game. Okay, I got next.

I got next. Dr. Tracy, what are you doing here?

I got a plan, okay? I've been watching.

Look, you need to use profanity, okay?

I can't. Yes, you can.

Follow my lead, all right?

All right, let's do this, okay? Come on, let's roll.

?

Hey, call me a skinny-ass punk.

No, man. Come on, man.

I thought this guy was coming to play for real.

Will you relax? I'm relaxed, dude.

I'm very, very relaxed.

But this guy said he was good, and I think he's lying.

Cool it, man. I need to see something right now.

Oh!

Ooh.

How's my ass taste, titty baby?

Yeah!

Tastes good. That's what I'm talking about.

Let's do this.

Let's keep playing for real now.

All right, it's your ball.

Your defense is worse than Weezer's third album.

It's like a hot dog eating contest,

but you're only eating one, and it's my dick.

You suck at basketball.

Also, you got to get that mole checked out.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Oh.

Oh, I'm a nasty man.

You need to start paying rent in my bathroom

for how much you eat my shit.

Dude. What are you doing? What?

I'm getting in the flow of the game, man.

I'm putting these clowns on blast.

They showed up like this was some fucking kids birthday party.

Let's go! Come on! Let's roll.

You miss more shots than Jenny McCarthy's kids.

?

Yeah. Yeah.

What are you looking at? I'll tell you what you're looking at.

Your future stepdad.

You're all looking at your future stepdads.

Call up your moms, invite them over to my house, all right?

It's gonna be like "Full House," but with banging.

Okay. You guys look upset, and I understand that.

What I want us all to do now is close our eyes

and, um, count to 200.

So, how do you think it's going?

I think I'm getting really good at this.

I'm having a lot of fun.

?

?

?

[ Latin music plays ]

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