Original subtitles

Both: Stay in this dream tonight

There's nobody else tonight

I got bagels.

What happened to that girl?

What happened to those pants?

It's not the pants, honey. It's your ass.

You look good in anything.

You always say that.

I say it all the time 'cause it's true.

What are we doing, John?

I'm... I'm gonna make some bagels, and...

This thing with Micki's got ahold of me.

I feel like my past is haunting me.

Look at that girl.

[sighs]

That girl was doing things.

She had her whole life ahead of her.

She was adventurous and bold,

and now she's...

living in a rented Brooklyn apartment,

not engaged, not married...

just standing still.

I think we need a change, John.

What do you mean?

I don't know. Something.

Something like what?

Something else.

Okay, honey, honey, listen.

Let's just... let's relax, okay? All right?

You know, we got dealt a double mortality blow recently.

You know, first David Bowie...

that was a big thing for both of us...

and then Micki, which was huge.

Let's just... let's not overreact, okay?

I mean, you know, I want you to be happy.

I want us to be happy.

Okay, you know what?

You've asked me this a million times

and I always said no, but do you... do you...

you want to go to couples counseling?

I want to have a threesome.

Oh!

Way better idea.

That girl used to have threesomes.

We used to have threesomes.

Yes, we did. You know what would be awesome?

A threesome with a couples counselor.

- [laughs] - That would be, like, amazing.

- Hey. - What's up?

We're gonna have a threesome.

Okay, but I only got an hour.

- [laughs] - Ha-ha.

Whoever you get,

if you plan on bringing them here,

I have an announcement.

It is laundry day,

and there's a serious clean towel shortage.

You know who'd be good?

That witchy blonde bartender at the Mercury Lounge.

Oh, yeah, we love her. She's hot.

Yeah, she's also, like, 20.

If I'm gonna be doing this again,

I don't want to feel bad about myself.

40 or over, smaller tits, bigger ass.

Just remember, if you ever have a threesome,

it's really all about your own self-esteem.

Sometimes when I listen to you guys talk,

I feel like a nun.

I have done nothing. I don't go out.

I don't party. I don't do drugs.

The one time I almost did blow,

I got so hung up on how much I hated my eyebrows

in the coke mirror that I didn't even do it.

- [chuckles] - Seriously.

I'm in the middle of New York City

in the rock scene, and all I care about is the music.

It's sad, I feel like I'm missing out a little.

Because you are.

This is gonna sound like some Oprah shit,

but I don't regret the things I did.

I only regret the things I didn't do.

So you got to have a threesome

or a lesbian affair or something.

Okay, well, I feel like threesome is my best option

just 'cause if I get distracted on my phone,

there's someone there to take over.

That's a great reason to have a threesome.

[laughter] My God.

Base your sexual experiences on your ADD problem.

So what do you say, baby?

Want to do it? Want to have a threesome?

Well, if sex, drugs, and rock and roll

has taught me anything, it's that I'm a one-woman guy.

- Oh! - Oh.

What he's really trying to say is,

he's a little gun-shy when it comes to threesomes.

You should just tell her the truth.

We're talking about it.

There's no shame in it, Flash.

There is a dollop of shame.

No, it's endearing.

With a side order of embarrassment.

Shut up. It was a complication situation.

When we were teenagers, we picked up

this girl who was the lead singer in some band.

I can't remember the name. She was hot.

And we brought her back to the apartment that we had,

and, um, let's put it this way...

she was all mine after the first... seven seconds?

Ten. Ten seconds, man.

Oh, oh, that's better.

She was very hot.

I'm retired from group sex,

but if you want me to,

I'll give it one more try.

Oh, that's very sweet.

But if you can't perform, let's face the facts,

I'm basically having a lesbian fling, right?

- Mm-hmm. - All right.

So let's go get me a lesbian.

- Yee-haw. - That sounded...

I'm... I'm very excited.

I'm just... I just need coffee.

Sex and drugs and rock and roll

All right

All right

'Cause I don't want to die

Anonymous

No, no

No, no

No, no

- Synced and corrected by VitoSilans - -- www.Addic7ed.com --

Ooh, Stacia RSVP'd yes.

Oh, awesome.

- A m?nage candidate? - Yeah.

I sent out five Evites so we'd have a pool.

- That is very efficient. - I know.

Don't want to die monogamous, right?

Check her out.

- Yes! - Mm, mm, mm.

- Nice. - Ooh, I like her.

- Is she Russian? - Moldovan.

36, divorced, in my aerial yoga class.

Flirts with me after one glass of Pinot Grig'.

A little overweight, so she's perfect!

You're very organized.

You have names, ages, multiple photos of each girl.

Honey, any answer from Pam Stone?

Mm, no, not yet.

You mean Pam from AC/DShe?

Yeah, she swings both ways.

We're also after the old bass player from Vag Halen.

I used to have a thing for her,

and I'm pretty sure she had a thing for me.

Aw. Honey, I hate to break it to you,

but I am the main attraction for these women.

You are there for massage purposes

in case someone pulls a hammy.

Okay, well, I shall massage away.

[laughs]

Oh, and boom, Pam said yes.

- Yes! - Yes!

She was my first choice.

Oh, so athletic. Mm!

Remind me to stretch before we do her.

God, it's starting to sound like a spin class.

Got a girl for you.

Oh?

Davida O'Dell.

Goes by Davvy O or some shit, from Philly.

Watch this.

[rock music playing]

[singing indistinctly]

- Huh? - Oh, my God.

- Oh, wow. - Ooh!

Yeah, that's cool.

Can you ever learn

- Holy shit. - Yeah.

That's great. That's great.

That's the way I want you to move onstage.

Hey, you two get it on,

that's gonna be two items off your bucket list,

black lesbian.

Well, I don't have a bucket list.

I feel like that's an old-person thing.

No, you got to have a bucket list.

Do you have a bucket list?

Yeah, I got a bucket list.

I got a few things left on there.

Oh, yeah? Is one of them a threesome

where you last longer than seven seconds?

[laughter]

[humming]

[scoffs]

Oh, my God.

This girl is so hot, and she has

so much more confidence than I do onstage.

Little nervous?

Uh, yeah. What if I'm not her type?

Honey, you have Elizabeth Taylor's eyes,

Kate Hudson's ass, and Salma Hayek's tits.

You're everybody's type.

Yeah, well, I look like a chipmunk when I smile.

[laughs]

So don't smile.

Yeah, but I have chronic resting bitch face.

Yeah, it's bitchy.

But once she gets ahold of your body,

she ain't gonna be thinking about your face.

Okay, but what do I do?

Seriously, look at me. What do I do?

Who makes the first move?

Who makes the second move?

What is the second move?

Yeah, yeah, no, no, no, no. Come. Sit down.

Okay, look.

Don't worry about the details, okay?

Just roll with it.

Let nature take its course.

You're either gonna be into it, or you're not.

Haven't you ever been curious about girls?

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

No, I have, yeah.

Yeah, I... Well, you know.

Mm-hmm, but you never kissed one?

No, I'm a control freak.

I was too afraid to try anything.

Relax, okay?

This is going to be fun for you.

Sex with another chick, it is awesome.

Two girls together, the sex just goes on and on,

wave after orgasmic wave.

Mm! [clicks tongue]

[inhales sharply]

[sighs] There's no natural ending.

Well, then how do you know when it's over?

Eventually somebody gets hungry.

Usually me.

Two hours in, order a pizza.

Very satisfying.

Did... did you say two hours?

'Cause you're a liar

You're a liar

You're a liar

You're a liar

- All you do is lie

- Wow.

Every time you open your mouth

'Cause you're a liar

Holy shit, she just clocked you.

[chuckles]

Why did I just wave?

Why is my hand still up?

All you do is lie

Every time you open your mouth

Hi, I'm Davvy.

Oh, h... Hey.

I'm... I'm... I'm Gigi.

Did you wave at me when I winked at you onstage?

Uh, yes, I-I did.

I waved because I'm the uncoolest person on Earth.

But I should be cooler 'cause I'm actually a singer too.

Yeah, I've seen you perform.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Your voice is incredible.

As are your eyes.

Oh. Thank you.

I'm trying this thing where I don't resent people

for being talented or beautiful.

Mm-hmm.

And you're both, so...

I'm gonna have to work twice as hard not to hate you.

No, I'm not even anything.

What you did onstage was just... it was...

it was amazing.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

Glad you liked it.

I did. Liked it.

Oh, no, these aren't all mine.

These are for my band.

Okay. Well, I'm not judging.

I like a girl who makes bad decisions.

[both laugh]

So, um, you hanging, or you got to split?

Oh, I'm hanging.

I'm gonna hang... I'm gonna hang out.

I think you should hang.

Yes.

- Let me just get changed up. - Sure.

- And we'll grab a drink. - Okay.

Or 4... or 12.

Oh, no. I mean...

Oh, hey.

You don't bone her, I will.

- Sorry, Pam. - No, I'm with you.

Let's ditch Johnny and have a threesome with her.

- I get to watch. - Good luck, honey.

I'll be at home. Call me if you need anything.

- Okay. - I'm so excited for you.

This is weird.

Just remember, pizza.

Yeah, we're a long way from pizza.

[sighs] How do I look?

Nervous.

Here, take this and relax.

Ah. Better?

Whoa!

Do you guys know the difference

between your former manager, Ira,

and your present and future manager, moi?

You're a taller self-hating Jew.

Ha-ha. That's really funny.

No, I'm not.

I'm the new Jew, okay?

I come with new ideas.

Go ahead. What do you got?

Okay, the success

of the hip-hop musical "Hamilton"

has led to an upsurge in people bringing historical

but edgy material to the New York theater scene.

So I did some talking.

I met with some of the more influential friends I have.

I played them a couple songs from "An Gorta Mor,"

and they want to bring the show,

with a major Irish actor starring,

to the hottest experimental theater venue in the city.

Boom.

Brooklyn Opera and Off-Broadway Main Stage.

Oh, my God, someone gets me.

- Are you interested? - Interested?

- I am in! - All right!

- I'm in, baby! - Good!

Right.

- Boom. - Boom, bing-bong-bong.

Bow-bow-bow. All right. This is awesome.

The producer just wants to sit down

with you guys for a couple minutes.

- I'm out. - Go over...

What?

I produce.

I direct.

I-I control everything, man.

We do it my way,

or we don't do it at all.

Okay, so they're never gonna go for that

because these are actual notable people

that have huge, big-time Broadway credits.

You hear that? "They." Huh?

They want to have a conversation

about what parts of "An Gorta Mor"

actually work onstage.

It's a process, man.

What about my process, Noah?

I've spent eight years of my life,

every dime I've ever had creating a song cycle

about one of the great tragedies of human history.

This is my blood, man, my sweat,

my tears.

It is 26 songs about potatoes!

It's 29 songs about pain, oppression,

famine, and suffering.

6 million Jews died in the Holocaust!

Jesus. Wow.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

I don't... um...

I don't even... okay, uh...

So sometimes when I get really worked up, I say that.

It's kind of like, um... like a Jewish Tourette's thing.

I'm sorry.

Say what you were saying

about, uh, your pain and blood, man.

[both laughing]

You have so much confidence onstage, you know?

You're so in the moment.

I'm just... I wish I had that.

You hate the way you look, don't you?

Oh, we're going there right now?

Yeah.

Uh... well, yeah.

I do sometimes. Yeah.

Tell me what you hate.

- Really? - Yeah.

Come on.

We're just two ladies talking.

[sighs]

Well, my butt is too high.

Absolutely not.

- No? - It is perfectly placed.

Um...

my tits are enormous.

Yeah!

[both laugh]

Oh, my God, you're relentlessly positive.

Yup. I'm a queer woman of color.

Every day is a Disney cruise.

No, that's not what I meant.

I know. Look.

I'm a woman, okay?

Some days, I wake up, and I hate my hair

and I wish I had a face like yours

and a rich-ass girlfriend so I didn't have

to lift a finger for the rest of my life.

But most days?

Most days, I wake up, and I say,

"I am the queen of Pussy Castle,

and I will destroy all my enemies."

- [laughs] - 'Cause that's my motto.

That's awesome. That's a good motto.

- I'm glad you like it. - I wish I had a motto.

Well, we can... we can find you a motto.

Yeah?

Or at least a nickname of sorts.

What would my nickname be?

Um, how about... Bitch Tits?

[both laugh]

Why are you hiding your smile?

- Oh, no! - Yeah, I saw it.

Oh, because when I smile, I look like a chipmunk.

Jesus! You are a mess!

I know! [sighs]

Yeah, but you know what? I-I'm happy.

I thought you were gonna think I was just another

stupid straight girl who had a crush on you.

I do.

- You do? - Yeah.

Well, aren't you mad that you're just

kind of like an object of sexual curiosity?

I mean, yeah, I'm slightly insulted.

- You are? - Yeah.

But, uh, I don't know.

With a body like yours, I can be very forgiving.

[chuckles]

I say we get a shit-ton of margaritas

and see where it goes.

- Yeah? - BT.

- BT? - BT.

What is that?

Bitch Tits.

Oh, right!

Bitch Tits. I really like that.

I'm glad. It's your nickname.

- Good. - [laughs]

I'm an artist. I'm ahead of my time.

I'm out.

You hear me?

I am out.

Hab, can I say something

as your best and only friend?

You know who you're acting like right now?

- David Bowie? - No.

- Thom Yorke? - No.

Are you talking about my attitude

or just, like, the timbre of my voice?

Johnny Rock, asshole.

You're acting like Johnny Rock.

"Ah, screw the world. Screw the industry.

Screw the new Jew."

- Sorry. - It's okay.

"Screw everybody. Everybody's against me."

[whining]

- Noah, tell him. Tell him. - "Genius."

I don't sound like Johnny Rock, do I?

Um...

you know, what...

Oh, my God. Holy shit.

Hab,

you're not a genius.

You're a talented bass player,

a visual artist with a great eye and a gifted ear.

And your song cycle's good,

but it's not goddamn Mozart.

Okay, so stop whining

and couching all your fears with this arrogant bullshit.

You want to not sound like Johnny Rock, man?

Do it onstage at the Obies next year

while you're making your acceptance speech

as the composer of 2016's best new off-Broadway musical.

"And the winner is... Rehab."

Okay, I'm back in.

All right. I'm gonna set the meeting.

What do we wear to the Obies?

You sound like Johnny Rock again.

I have to pick what to wear.

Just pick a potato sack.

How's that? That sounds good.

[chuckles]

[soft music playing]

This is my favorite part.

Ooh, ooh

both: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

I love this.

Ooh-ooh-ooh

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

You wrote this.

I cowrote it.

I produced it myself, though.

Wow.

You ready to try?

I just made the first move, didn't I?

You did.

By the way, I have no idea

what the second move is.

- [both laugh] - Okay, well, relax.

One step at a time, baby.

It's not... I don't think this is for me.

- Okay. - I'm so sorry.

I just... I was... in the beginning,

I was thinking about my boyfriend,

and then I got lost in the fact that it was you,

and then I was like, "Oh, my God, this girl

tastes so delicious, she tastes like cotton candy."

Then I was like, "Wait, are you really tasting cotton candy,

or are you thinking back to fourth grade

when you used to eat a lot of cotton candy

and it was sort of an obsession for you?"

And then I just got very confused.

- I'm so sorry. - No, don't be sorry.

I mean, shit, if that was a confused kiss,

I can't wait to clear things up.

Come here.

Yeah, it's cotton candy lip gloss.

It's cotton candy lip gloss. I'm an idiot.

Yeah, you're welcome for that.

I should have gone with something a little more subtle.

Orange Blossom, Indian Summer.

What do those taste like?

Well, I'm kind of hoping you're gonna find out

at some point.

Aw, man.

For your first time kissing a girl,

that was pretty amazing.

But for now, why don't we, um...

why don't we have a drink, call it a night?

I'll take my ass home.

And when you wake up in the morning,

we'll see how you feel.

Okay... Bitch Tits?

[both laugh]

- [moans] - Oh, my God.

[both giggling]

Hey, girls, don't start without me, now.

[both moaning]

You're awesome.

[both giggling and moaning]

Oh, Mama, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

[both giggling and moaning]

Ah.

- [moans] - Mm-hmm.

[both moaning]

Okay. I'm ready.

Mm. This is awesome.

- [giggles] - Yeah.

[both moaning]

Okay.

All right.

[both moaning]

Oh, Jesus, this is unbelievable.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Hey, girls, I'm... I'm ready.

[both moaning]

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Pam, yeah.

Oh, yeah, Pam.

Oh, yeah.

Ah. Oh, shit.

Oh, yeah.

Aah!

- Oh! - What?

- Oh! - Shit.

What? What?

- Oh! - You came in my hair.

- God damn it, Johnny. - Oh, I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry. - Jesus, are you kidding me?

What was it, like, five seconds?

No, no, no, no, it was longer than that.

Let me get you a towel, okay?

- Get out, Johnny. - Honey...

How much come is in there?

Did you do some special kind of a move or something?

- 'Cause that was like... - I hardly touched you.

Get out!

Okay, okay.

You sure you don't want me to get you a towel?

Baby, I know.

- Kiss me. - I'll make it all better.

- Honey? - I will.

Oh, Ava.

God damn it.

Okay, it was longer than it sounded.

Okay? Who you texting?

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah, baby.

- Oh. - Uh-huh.

- Oh, you like that? - Oh, yeah.

- Yeah. - [laughs]

- Yeah, baby. - [both laughing]

- Oh, yeah. - Oh! Oh, yeah.

More wine, girls?

[both moaning and giggling]

[clears throat]

- Yeah. Yeah. - Oh.

[both moaning]

Ava! Ava!

Hey, I think I have to show you something in my bedroom.

Yeah, I think you do.

Hey, Dad,

could you get out of here for a little bit,

give us a little privacy?

Maybe leave the apartment or the block?

- That would be great. - It's okay.

Oh, and if you could bring us a pizza

in, like, two hours, that would be ideal.

All right.

You girls have fun.

[women moaning]

[sighs]

All night

I just can't concentrate

Oh, no, oh, no

One, Mississippi.

Two, Mississippi.

Enough, okay?

[laughs]

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