Original subtitles

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One day the police are gonna find our dusty bones

watching an episode of The Bachelor.

'Tis a good death.

Mo! Why are we watching other people go to desperate

extremes to get what they want when we should be going

to desperate extremes to get what we want?

Because that would involve more trying and fewer chips?

This was supposed to be our big "move out on our own and

grab life by the butt" freedom year.

Yeah, we really nailed it with that name.

I have 10 jobs, no career, our apartment's a disaster,

and our love life is about as active as

an elderly person after a fall.

Not our fault. I smooched that cute Catholic dude

that I actually like and he holy ghosted me.

Not a single text. It's God's wrath.

Truth.

And you realy threw yourself at that hottie of qa body Marcus.

I wouldn't say I threw myself at him.

- I would; I just did. - Well...

You went to his apartment and asked for his sex.

Okay, but...

And, I kind of got the feeling you wanted

to have sex like (GRUNTS) like, at him,

and not like, "Mm", like, like with him.

Yes, okay, so...

Let's get out and do something,

something we've never done before.

Let's go on a double date.

That sounds utterly terrible.

I'm in. After The Bachelor though, right?

Oh, obviously.

How many more seasons do we have?

Just 20.

(CRUNCH)

?

- Synced & Corrected by Dragoniod - www.addic7ed.com

?

Are you doing that thing where you look up people

from high school to see if they're doing better than you?

No, but did you know Anne Manning's a full news lady now?

Bye, Jen.

No, wait! I'm doing something way cooler now.

Boom, we're online dating.

I think I feel the heat from the yellow fever from here.

Okay, well, we'll make a pact right now:

we're not dressing up like Sailor Moon for anyone.

Anyone but ourselves.

Truth.

Sorry. I used the Halloween pic.

No, you didn't.

"A dark soul with bright eyes.

I like video games, board games,

and head games with unsuspecting strangers."

Oh! You know me.

And, say hello to Jentrified.

If your name is Jentrified, shouldn't your profile pic

really be a white person jogging with a chocolate lab?

Be the change you want to see in the world.

You know this is for sex and not for

a non-profit internship, right?

Ah...

"Looking for a good listener,

an avid reader, a king craftsman,

a proficient musician, a body poet..."

Jen, how many qualities did you list that

you were looking for in a partner?

Safety in numbers.

Whoa! And how many sites did you sign us up for?

Safety in numbers?

We're not Mormons, Jen.

We can't be on Latter Day Sinners dot com.

Fine! Well, this one, the guys can only

message you if you message them first.

And you can swipe through on your phone.

No, no, no... Oh...

He's cute.

Ah... Hi.

Who said the art of wooing is dead?

- (TEXT CHIME) - Whoa!

And he already messaged back.

What are standup comedians talking about?

Dating is so easy.

When are you free?

You think you could find a date by tomorrow?

Ah, is Hemingway sparse with his prose?

He is. Very much so.

Did you find a date yet?

What do you think of this guy?

Oh, he is perfect...

If you've decided to end your life early.

(SIGHS)

?

Find a date yet?

I think we have a winner.

Jen, that's a joke profile.

Russell Scarecrow's not a real...?

When I said it out loud, I heard it.

- Find a date yet? - Oh, yeah.

It's the scarecrow, isn't it?

Oh! Hello, real human man.

Right?! And there's something familiar about him,

which I think is a good sign.

So, where should I tell my digital dream guy

we're going tonight?

I've got two words for you.

- Booze cruise? - No.

- Fight club. - No.

- Lightning bugs. - What?

Sorry; I ran out of two-word venue options real fast.

Escape room.

Is it wrong to pay to escape something when

both of our parents fought so hard to escape

oppressive tyrannical regimes?

Also, I'm in.

?

Look at us on our first Internet date.

It's technically my second.

I once had four drinks while talking to Siri;

that girl's a freak.

Welcome to No Escape Rooms.

Escape rooms, black light mini putt,

and... well, dry cleaning.

Aren't you that nurse from our friend, Karen's, clinic?

- You work here, too? - YEAH: the economy.

These rooms look amazing!

Can we do time travel turbulence?

No, it's in use.

- Can we do ghost maze? - No, it's broken.

Can we do contaminated streetcar?

No, it's broken and in use.

Okay, what is available?

You can do Mystery at High Noon,

or Apocalypse Prom.

Oh, Mystery at High Noon, please.

Oh, now it's in use.

Yowza. Look at the beauties at your 6 o'clock.

Oh-holy ships! Our dates are cool!

And hot!

They look like fashion mannequins that

escaped their windows.

Oh, you know how I get around cool hot people.

So many awkward anecdotes.

Oh God, I think I'm sweating in new places.

- I can't do this. - Oh, you are doing this.

I'm not spending another Friday night in the apartment

watching you cyber stalk our graduating class.

Hey! Samantha Heffren was a cheerleader in high school

and now she teaches at Harvard.

They're here.

Hey, I'm Michael.

I'm Jackson.

So, we're on a date with Michael Jackson!

How did we not put this together before?

(LAUGHS)

Nice to meet you. I once slept in a ditch.

Oh, God, it's happening.

So, Michael, have you ever escaped anything?

Sorry, that did come off as predatory.

- (LAUGHS) - Have you?

Actually, I was here last month with

my recreational drumming circle.

Oh, you are so cool and hot.

You know, when we were kids, Mo and I did some drumming.

- Didn't we, Mo? - Stop.

Used to play a thing called...

(PATS) The tum drum.

Oh, you're not stopping.

And...

Lest we forget the tum drum's BFF, the bum drum.

(PATS)

Do you want to go over there where this isn't happening?

- Please. - Yeah, sounds good.

Hey, you know, there's another thing called the

chum drum where I play Mo like a three-legged djembe.

?

Hello, and or, "boo-jour".

If you're watching this video, then you've signed

our "legal safety" waiver and you're ready

for your No Escape Rooms experience.

Beware...

Inside, there will be bright lights, loud noises,

and in some cases, live animals.

Oh-kay, now you guys can pop on those blind folds and

then you're just gonna put your hands on

each other's shoulders and follow me to your doom.

? (SUSPENSEFUL) ?

Ah, close. Yeah, you're close now.

No, no... Follow the sound of my voice.

No, my voice.

Okay, you're obviously just going in a circle.

Ha! This happened to us last time.

?

ANNOUNCEMENT: Remove your blindfolds and don't steal them.

They're surprisingly expensive.

Welcome to prom. This year's theme, death.

I cannot see a PTA approving that.

Find the key that opens the door in 30 minutes,

or the last song of the night will be the

last song of your life.

Imagine if real prom was like this.

It would've been awesome!

Okay, people. We got under 60 minutes here.

Let's hunker down.

I feel like I saw that 9 out of 10 prom themes

are just straight up racist.

Yeah, my school did Arabian Nights.

Mine had Mystery of the Orient.

Ours too. Moon cakes were hype.

Guys, we're wasting some pretty precious time here.

Come, Michael. I think I sniff a clue in those innards.

You don't recognize me, do you?

I thought you looked familiar.

I'll give you a hint.

(CHILDISH VOICE) I don't want to go to bed.

Excuse me?

I want chocolate milk for dinner!

Chocolate milk for dinner!

Jackson Filton?

Like, little Jackie Filton I used to babysit?

- All growed up. - Wow!

Time has been very, very good to you.

So, how old would that make you, then?

- 20. - 20? (LAUGHS)

Holy ships, 20! That was a fun age.

You know...

I had quite the crush on you back then.

Ah... I did not, which was a good thing

'cause you were a child then.

So, what does the great Jenny Wu do now?

Oh... Well, what don't I do?

Tight schedule? Yeah, me too.

I travel a lot. Do you travel much?

Yeah... all the time.

I mean, I'm traveling over to this obvious clue right now.

Um... I think that's...

I think that's garbage left from another group.

Yeah, it's gum and it's still warm.

The letters on that leg though have numeric value

based on their position in the alphabet,

so D-G-A-B, would be 4-7-1-2.

But you probably knew that. I mean, you were valedictorian.

Mo!

I can't do this.

Why? You're not even that sweaty.

My date is a baby! A baby I used to baby sit.

- That's Jackson Filton! - Little Jackie Filton?

Didn't he once tantrum so hard he got a nosebleed?

Mo, I've put him to bed.

(SINGSONG) Oh, now you're gonna put him to bed.

Was that as gross to say as it was to hear?

Jen, I love you, but you're being ageist.

Also, my date is still 100% cool,

so I need you to suck it up and do what we came here to do.

- Grab life by the butt... - With two hands, Jen.

- Two hands. - Fine.

So, you manage a video game store?

True fact. You play?

Only all day every day.

Marry me, Michael, at a Scandinavian dock at sunset.

- What? - I didn't say anything.

Must have been one of those indoor winds you heard.

- So what do you do? - I'm an actor.

- No. - Yes.

I started out doing all those stereotypical Asian roles -

scientist #2, foreign businessman #5,

diplomat #1, break dancer 94.

(LAUGHS) But then,

I got one of those teenager shows.

Teenager shows?

One of the shows where attractive teens,

played by attractive 20-somethings,

turn into vampires, or witches, or werewolves.

I played a teenager that turned into a cat.

- Like a scary demon cat? - An adorable tabby.

(LAUGHS) Two-episode arc.

So cool.

Jen!

I also can't do this. My date is an actor.

So?

Name one cool actor you've met.

Exactly.

Now, name every dill bag actor you've met.

My mind is literally flooded with names.

Ah, this sucks!

I already named our two hypothetical children.

Oh, poor Cirsei and Doug.

Mo! This has been a tough year.

Sometimes it feels like we're constantly swimming

upstream and like we can't find solid ground.

Yeah, I was literally handed a promotion,

I found out I'm not allergic to legumes,

and I am having a fantastic hair month.

But tonight could change everything.

We just need to solve this room and prove we still got it.

Fine, but we actually have to start trying to escape

because I have a feeling my guy is gonna make me

reenact Starlight Express...

Which could be fun.

Oh, we'll escape. How hard could it be?

?

Is this an escape room for MENSA people?

- I found something! - What is it?

I didn't find anything; that was just acting.

I like to keep the instrument well-tuned.

(LAUGHS)

ANNOUNCEMENT: Hey, class of 2000-and-dead,

maybe look to the student body.

Body, body, body, body... Oh, body.

Oh-hey-body-body-body-body- body-body.

Oh! I found something!

An empty bottle of Peach Schnapps?

110% of prom attendees drink Peach Schnapps,

then vomit in the garbage; that's where our next clue is.

Michael, Jackson... Huh, still funny, right?

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Come on!

Prom feels like 100 years ago.

Not for all of us.

I wore oversized jeans and a pukka shell necklace.

I wore a dress that looked like Morticia Addams' imagination,

and then I got voted most likely to be a cult.

What was everyone voted st likely to?

I was voted most likely to own many boats...

- And I do. - You're 20!

I developed and sold an app my first year at uni.

Now I spend most of my time teaching programming to

children affected by natural disasters.

I fed you Chickie nuggies.

I was voted most likely to marry myself.

Jen was voted most likely to succeed.

So, Jen, have you?

Does this answer your question?

It's chum drum time!

(PATS)

Actually, just raises a lot more questions.

- Please stop. - I can't.

?

So, you still friends with anyone from high school?

Ah, nah, not really.

I'm right here.

Oh, yeah.

I ran into Mary Donaldson last month, in Taipei.

- Remember her? - Um?

She was the spare on the debate team

when you were captain?

Anyway, she's an astronaut now.

Mm! Well, lots of people are astronauts.

I always imagined you went on to become some

award-winning writer or war journalist, or...

Human rights lawyer. Am I close?

Well, the real question is, are we close...

to getting out of here?

I dropped my contact.

Again, just acting.

(LAUGHS)

Hey Mo, can I show you some original characters?

This one's called "Man with Spaghetti Bones".

?

ANNOUNCEMENT: You're falling behind.

Screw you, voice!

Life is not a race, it's a marathon,

which we all run at our own pace.

I'd love to give you a clue or maybe a sign.

Sign. Sign! Mo, the poster!

"What makes you smile on the count of three,

then takes thy soul away from thee?"

Flying economy.

When I'm uncredited on IMDB.

Setting up unrealistic expectations for oneself at

a young age, partially fueled by the pressure from

immigrant parents who expect lofty accomplishments from

their children because they suffered through the

difficult process of immigration specifically to

ensure that their children would have every resource

and opportunity available to succeed.

There was a lot in that, but the answer's a photo.

Hm! The photo station. Let's go.

Telling me what to do, huh? Just like old times.

Only thing is now I don't do what I'm told anymore.

Jackson Bartholomew Filton, do not make me count to 3.

- Very funny. - 1, 2...

?

A super cool sword for you.

- Do you want this one? - I'll take super cool gun.

I loved prom. Everything was still possible,

we had all the time in the world.

Jen, you still have all the time in the world.

Do I? 'Cause the kid I babysit is doing 1000% better than me

in all aspects of life.

I didn't grab life by the butt this year at all.

Ah, Jen...

You escaped the long comforting arm of your mom,

you started to actually get to know yourself,

and you finally tried Ethiopian food.

It wasn't for me.

Look, these things take time.

The most important thing to remember is...

Mo! The year book!

Certain letters are circled, D and J.

The DJ booth!

All right.

?

You know, it's very hard to find something

when you don't know what you're looking for.

Time's almost up. Get ready for death-tension.

Ah, sorry, voice, but we have Jennifer Wu with us.

Thank you, Jackson, but I'm really not that big a deal.

Yeah, right. Here comes Jenny Wu to the rescue.

Seriously, I'm trying, but...

Come on, Jen, bust us out 'a here.

I can't! Okay?!

I'm not who you think I am.

I'm not successful. I am not famous.

I am not someone who pays taxes.

- I'm nobody. - Hey, you're not nobody.

I should 'a messaged Kelly from the year below you.

She works for CSIS.

Okay, that's it, you're on a time out.

I don't want to be on a time out!

It's coming, it's coming.

Jen, what I was going to say earlier is that the

most important thing to remember is to...

(HISSING) (SCREAMS)

What a performance.

Okay, I'm gonna say what I was gonna say before,

but I'm gonna say it faster.

So, you're not as far along as you thought you would be

with guys, or jobs, or basic chewing dexterity,

but you are still that girl three quarters of us went to

high school with and that girl an escape this room.

(HISSING) (SCREAMS)

(GASPS) D-G-A-B.

4-7-1-2.

4-7-1-2,. (MACHINE BEEP)

Yes!

Pop this in the CD player.

- What's a CD player? - God, you're young.

8 of hearts is missing. Put on track 8.

(HISSES)

? REACH FOR THE LINE, TO THE STARS. ?

Stars... The key is in the stars. Go!

(HISSING)

(GASPS)

I got it.

Yeah! (PATS)

Now that's the rhythm of winning.

?

Yeah, this room was designed for children.

Kids solve it in like 10 minutes.

Please leave. There's a group of extremely

disadvantaged 10-year-olds here from Guelph.

- (HISSES) - Ee!

Ah, no, no. You can stay.

I knew I felt a connection. I'm also an actor.

Oh, you can go.

?

Are you messaging Russel Scarecrow?

I'm suspending our online dating accounts for a while.

(PHONE RINGS)

Ah! Son-of-a-bindle, that is terrifying.

I really am a product of the texting generation.

(PHONE RINGS)

Answer it.

Hi?

(GASPS) It's that cute Catholic guy, Diego!

What do I do?

Grab life, Mo, with two hands.

I'm gonna ask him to dinner.

Have dinner with me!

I asked! Came off as kind of a command.

Well, what did he say?

What do you say? (GASPS)

- He said he'd love to! - That's great.

That's great. Let's go right now.

(GASPS) Wait.

Is that okay? Like, are you okay?

Because I'll stay if you're not okay.

I'm fine, okay? Please, go.

Have fun.

Just promise me you're not gonna look up people

from high school all night.

I'm not going to creep.

My mom's been sending me links to graduate programs.

I might as well take a look.

Okay, love you, bye.

No, not you. Did God tell you to call me?

?

? REACH FOR THE LINE, TO THE STARS ?

Hello, and/or "boojour".

If you're watching this video,

then you've signed our "legal safety" waiver.

(STATIC)

Now, if you're pregnant like me,

or have any of the following health conditions...

?

Then you might want to enjoy our black light mini putt,

or dry cleaning entertainment option.

That was really fun.

I felt like my favourite actor, Mark Wahlberg.

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