Original subtitles

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Jen, that new free-range farm-to-table organic

delicatessen is open, and it's lit.

- What'd you get? - $16 bread.

Mo!

It has sundried figs and wind cracked walnuts.

What the...?

Don't freak out. I started unpacking, and then,

completely just finished unpacking.

Oh my God.

- Our new place is hot! - I know, right!

We have a fireplace now and sunlight now! And...

(SQUIRREL SQUEAKS)

- Wall squirrels, still? - Yeah.

And, your ex-lover and his party-aholic best friend

don't live directly and awkwardly upstairs,

so yeah, I think that's a pretty good feature.

Trust: Never gonna happen again, okay?

I put it on my to-do list.

? 39 ?: Do not have sex with neighbours.

Really? 'Cause that 90-year-old down the hall

could teach you a sexy thing or two.

Honestly, I think our old apartment flooding was the

best thing that ever happened to us.

I did lose my grandfather's ashes.

Yes, but he loved water.

So much so, it killed him.

(SIGHS)

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- Synced & Corrected by Dragoniod - www.addic7ed.com

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- (SIGHS) - _

I did not think you would get out of bed for a

high school frenemy's wedding shower.

- Karen makes serious bank. - So?

So, that means she has fancy soaps.

- So...? - So, I can plunder them.

I bet she has scents like mint-basil,

and mango chutney dreams.

- (TEXT CHIME) - Okay, well...

Lose the phone 'cause you look like a guy who just

found out about weed stocks.

Garth's at a gaming Conference: I have questions.

Oh, like, which old tree to carve

your combined initials into?

Like, game store work stuff.

Ugh, you are this close to going to Serious Town.

Please, we are just very good friends who make out a lot

while Lionel Richie plays softly in the background.

Also, this is not about me and Garth;

this is about you breaking up with Nate.

Ah, I wouldn't even call it breaking up.

We were just casually hanging out all the time, casually.

You had sex under a rainbow.

That was not our fault; that rainbow came out of nowhere.

Well, you better find a mirror 'cause

F.O.C. is showing.

- (LAUGHS) - F.O.C. Fear of commitment.

I do not have a fear of commitment.

I'm just keeping my options open.

Sure.

'Cause there are a lot of them.

Okay.

Men love me, all kinds: young ones,

old ones, sports ones.

- Yeah. - I'm not F.O.C.'d.

It is the whole concept of monogamy that is f...

Hi!

Hi! Happy wedding shower!

(LAUGHS)

?

Thanks again for inviting us.

Obviously, you're my best friends.

And, so considerate to institute a no-gift policy.

Trap!

Sorry, I forgot to cough.

It was supposed to sound more like (COUGHS) "trap".

I just think the love Harrison and I share

is the greatest gift of all.

Ew.

Ah, where is everyone else?

Oh, closest friends only today.

It's very hard for me to maintain a true friendship.

Most people are incredibly jealous.

- Of your face. - And my body.

Oh, and my personality.

(TEXT CHIME)

Jen, your mom told my mom that you're thinking about

going to grad school. Excitement!

No, she's thinking about me going to grad school.

I'm temping. Supe's fun, yeah.

Ah, actually, last week, I cat sat for a very

sick old woman, and - spoiler alert -

she didn't make it.

Speaking of shuttling off the old mortal coil,

the theme of today's festivities is heaven on earth.

Mm...

Alister, though no answer will suffice,

what are you doing here?

I planned the whole thing!

"Karrison" needed the perfect wedding shower,

I needed a bit of cash for capitalism.

Thus, in keeping with the thematic focus of the day,

you can either have the angel wings or the crown of light.

- Just call it a halo. - It's a crown of light.

It's a halo.

It's a crown of light and it's coming right at you.

Don't!

Look! Engagement photos!

(SQUEALS)

(CLAPS) Yay! (LAUGHS)

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I like how casual they are.

Stop. I'm not even wearing makeup in those.

Harrison wanted the world to see his favourite me,

the real me.

It's true; Karen's her most beautiful

the exact moment she wakes.

Aw!

He is a real poet of the heart.

Am I right?

Holy ships, he is not right, he is gorgeous.

Guys, I want to introduce my best friend and

best man, Marcus.

We met at advanced modeling school in Switzerland.

I was literally gonna guess that.

And, Marcus is single. Isn't that surprising?

When I found out, I was shocked.

I mean, truly taken aback.

My mind just refused to believe it.

Jen is single, too, I assume?

Mhm, yes, yes... Yes, indeed, I am single.

Single and loving it.

Haha.

Single people dance a lot.

We have to; if we stop moving, we die.

Mo, I've never seen smile, so...

- Hm? - No.

Single?

I mean, I'm basically single.

I mean, I'm pretty single.

I'm like at least a little single. You know.

None of us do. It's very confusing.

So, like, are you two gonna get down to some bachelor jazz?

No, Harris and I decided to do a

co-ed wedding shower, didn't we, bimpy?

We sure did, boompy.

- Mm! - Mm!

Ew! Why?

Well, we read that that's what Michelle and Barack Obama

did when they got engaged.

Damn it! They're a great reason to do anything.

Now, Marcus,

what's that gift-wrapped gift-shaped gift-sized thingy?

It's a gift. (LAUGHS)

Oh... The e-vite said no gifts.

Ah, well, it kind of felt like a trap to me.

Yeah, me too.

Eric! What are you doing here?

Well, Karen invited Mom, but she had line dancing,

so she sent me as a gift.

Oh!

I don't think people should be given as gifts.

Especially when the words "no" and "gift"

are italicized on the invitation.

So, Karen's got me for the next 4-and-a-half hours,

but after that... I'm all yours.

What can I say that's more than "ew"?

?

I bet Karen misses the sweet sexy single life,

especially with those arms, and those eyes, and...

That nose.

You and Garth just scheduling a time for a

candle-lit bath to talk about your feelings?

He needs to know how the other half lives...

"With joy and heat".

You are butt over heels for that guy.

The only thing my butt is over is rare red meat,

thank you very much.

- (TEXT CHIME) - _

Me thinks the lady doth text too much.

29 texts is actually very low for people our age.

- (TEXT CHIME) - _

30 texts is a good median for people...

- (TEXT CHIME) - _

31 texts is...

- (TEXT CHIME) - _

Fine. I'm gonna prove my romantic nonchalance...

I'm not gonna text Garth for the rest of the day.

Thank you. Now at least we can try to enjoy ourselves.

Look! A jar that says,

"Fun ideas for date night".

Is there a hyphen in 'murder suicide'?

No? I'm putting one anyway.

- ? - _

They're playing pin the abs on the Harrison.

Knowing that would make Garth's life.

Ah!

You gave me your phone exactly one second ago.

But it's like a rare lunar eclipse where the earth is

stupid people and the moon is them being stupid.

Jennifer... Better Jennifer,

I notice you guys still don't have your angel wings on.

No, and never.

Okay, well, thanks for so carefully

considering the request.

Anywho, Karen and Harrison are going to be slow dancing

later on, and they would like everyone to watch

while silently blowing bubbles.

Yeah, like that! But with...

fewer... fewer bubbles.

No, and not in the face. Stop it!

And not in the crotch! No!

Somebody's salty when they're not texting lover boy.

Please, it's not that; it's all this stuff.

Who needs to proclaim their feelings in napkin form;

- that is so lame. - _

You're preaching to the keeping-it-casual choir.

I mean, who would trade in the dancing clubs and

the hooking ups for flowers, and hearts,

and a gift table full of...

Ah, fudge.

You really think they all have fudge in them?

It does! It sounds like fudge.

Karen said no gifts, but there's a lot more

gifts here than people. You do the math.

6.3 times, though, most of them do say,

"To Boompy, Love Bimpy".

Why are we the only ones who respect the no-gift policy?

- I brought a gift. - What?

Yeah. $12 and 3 discontinued-cents...

'Twas a fruitful couch scrounge.

- Jen, right? - Mhm.

Hi.

Um, Karen said I should bring you a drink.

I think she's trying to play matchmaker.

Well, then, find me a find and catch me a catch.

(LAUGHS)

I'm... What?

Fiddler on the Roof, the Tony Award winning musical.

- Oh! - (LAUGHS)

No, I haven't seen it. I don't know.

Oh, well, that's too bad because it's pretty sexy.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Russians expelling Jewish people from their villages

is a key plot point.

Hm.

- So, do you want it? - Maybe, who knows.

(WHISPERS) I'm like the wind.

- Do you want it? - Absolutely.

Oh.

Look at me getting my flirty-flirt on.

Good Lord, did you take one of those pickup artist

workshops at the food court of the mall?

You were just being pissy because I'm delaying

your inevitable trip to Serious Town.

Ha, I'm not going to Serious Town.

I haven't even packed.

Oh, and you think I have the fear of commitment.

You've never been in a relationship longer than

4 months and 2 days.

You are purer than the driven snow.

Okay, that is not fear of commitment;

that is having personal standards.

Think of some of the people that you've slept with.

Oh, that is a low blow.

Good Lord, how long do we have to fight

to finish a single drink?

?

Jen! You remember my friend and employee,

Nurse Redelle, don't you? She scheduled your pap?

I remember everyone associated with my sexual organs.

How are you?

I have almost 5 kids; that's how I am.

Do I just leave my gift with you?

Oh, there's barely room for it.

- You really shouldn't have. - I didn't want to.

(LAUGHS)

(SIGHS)

Hey.

So, you sure I can't tempt you?

(LAUGHS) Okay.

So, Marcus, you're a model?

I was once asked to model, but it was a scam,

which I only figured out after 6 months and $1300.

I was a model. Ah, it wasn't for me.

I write for an online news source now.

Have you ever heard of Rip Stitch?

Yes, yes!

They just wrote this amazing article on a woman

in Winnipeg who married her Google Home.

"Google Home is Where the Heart Is".

- That was me! - No, shut up!

That is amazing!

And very relatable. When I was five,

I kind of wanted to marry my Raphael night light.

Obviously, Raphael was like the coolest turtle.

Oh, no, no, no.

Not the turtle, the architect-painter.

Obviously, 'cause Raphael's the coolest architect-painter.

(LAUGHS)

- Cheers. - Cheers.

So, are you...

heart broken, or are you the heart breaker?

I ended it with him.

So, what was wrong with him?

Was he too much, or not enough?

Or... did he wear socks with sandals?

'Cause I swear to you, that is like the biggest deal breaker.

No, no. No, he was great.

Really funny and nice, and you know,

sweet but surprising.

So, why'd you break up with him?

(HARP)

(LAUGHS)

Attention, heavenly creatures,

the bride and groom would like to share a few words.

(CLINKING GLASS)

No, no, that is redundant. I just introduced you.

(LAUGHS)

Harrison, I have loved you since the first moment

I saw you in a bathing suit.

It's the little things I love the most.

Just being excited to share news with you,

or hearing about your day.

Also, your hair is so thick.

I think I've lost jewelry in it.

(LAUGHS)

Karen, you're perfect.

Now, ladies, please join me upstairs

for a little grownup girl talk.

(INDISTINCT WHISPERS)

Oh-ho-ho, stairs! Good.

Okay, I just need a little momentum.

Oh... ooh.

I thought your ears would be bleeding

from those squishy speeches.

I actually thought they were maybe really

not quite the worst.

Hanging out with Karen in a smaller group setting,

on the other hand...

Agreed. So, why are we going upstairs?

Because that's where the really good soaps live.

Look how many I already have.

- How? - Confidence.

?

So, enjoy the pampering, ladies.

You know, I want you to feel as beautiful as

Harrison's love makes me feel.

I don't think Harrison's love gave her those cheekbones.

Ooh, solid burn, Pregnificent.

- Ah, call me, Arby! - Why?

Well, me and my siblings were named after the

places we were conceived.

So, Arby, Speedboat, and our brother, Ditch.

Jen, I now know a woman named after

a roast beef sandwich. Can I please text?

Sh! Karen's explaining a game,

and if there's a game, I think I can win.

You draw the question out of the bowl, and then,

we'll find out how much I really know about my hubby-to-be.

Okay, I'll go first. Age before beauty.

When did Harrison first say, "I love you"?

Oh! He said it the moment he saw her.

The words fell from his mouth like leaves from a tree.

Yeah, that's right. Why do you know that?

- He tells the story a lot. - Maybe a bit too much.

So, Karen, when did you drop the old 'L' bomb?

Well, it took me awhile.

You know, I hadn't been serious about someone

since Chris Pine, and...

- The Chris Pine? - Yeah, three years.

Three very tumultuous years.

But, when you know, you just know.

Except you can never really know.

- You can. - Not 100%.

100%.

It's like someone lights a little light right in here.

Like, you have a lighthouse in your sternum?

Were you raised by made-for-TV

Christmas movies?

- (TEXT CHIME)

- Is that my phone? - _

It does not matter because there are no tax-paying

citizens of Serious Town here, right?

Jen, just give me my phone.

No...

Oh, no.

- Jen, just give me my phone. - Uh-uh. No.

Do you want me to physically subdue them?

Ah, no. I enjoy watching struggle.

It's like theater, but real.

So, Marcus, what do you think about Karen's friend, Jen?

Ah, she's... she's nice.

She's really nice actually.

Dude, you could do so much better than my sister.

Like, have you seen your own face?

Yeah, it's true.

You have an inward and an outward glow.

She once open mouth kissed a Mario Lopez poster.

Yeah, obviously, because Mario Lopez is

the talent of our time.

Karen and I are dying for a new friend couple

ever since Megan and Harry went back to London.

Dude, I just got dumped a hot second ago and

I'm not trying to get into anything serious.

I told my Boompy I loved her the moment I first saw her.

The words just fell from my mouth...

ALL: ...Like leaves from a tree!

Yeah, we know.

You tell that story all the time!

Maybe like too much.

I'm just saying, what if I hadn't been bold?

Maybe we would never have gotten together.

And that would suck because we're exactly like

that scene from Ghost.

The one where the bad guy dies from the window?

- No... - No, the one where the old man's like,

"Get off my train!"

It's the penny scene.

No, it's the pottery scene, obviously.

- It wasn't that obvious. - That's not obvious at all.

- Mm-mm. - Ah...

In Ghost?

(PHONE RINGS)

Sweet Autumnal Fiesta.

(SNIFFS)

Oh, you smell like an orange humped the fall.

- Oh, hi! - PHONE: Hey.

Um, I just got my phone back and there is so much to tell you.

There's a lady here named after a sandwich,

Eric is a human gift, and Karen started saying these

squishy things that kind of got me thinking about...

- PHONE: Listen... - What?

- PHONE: I sold my game. - That's great.

They want to publish it right away.

Oh, that's great!

So, I have to stay for a while...

- That's... - PHONE: 6 months.

Great.

- (KNOCKS) - JEN: Mo! Mo!

?

Where's my coat?!

Mo, where are you going?

Not to Serious Town, are you happy?

What? No... Mo!

Oh, I love blanket scarves!

It's just a blanket.

Okay, which one of you plugs took my coat?

If by coat you mean angel wings...

Perfect timing. I would now like to open

my gifts from my very best friends, Jen and Mo.

- Funny thing is... - You hid it?

Everybody, help me look for it.

No! You said no gifts, so you can just...

Open my gift because it rocks.

Is it Waterford crystal salad tongs?

(GASPS)

(LAUGHS)

What? No, I work in a strip mall.

I give you the gift of honesty.

You two are really lucky, and not just because

you're crazy attractive and you have lots of fancy soaps,

but because you have each other.

I mean, sure, maybe one day you're gonna fight over

which horse to buy, or what china to put out

when the Trudeau's visit...

Or maybe, one of you will get a lucrative job at an

indie game startup company in San Francisco...

The point is that...

Karen plus Harrison really does equal love times forever

plus infinity to the power of always.

And that's not lame; that's so great.

That's done. Let's find Jen's gift.

No. No... stop looking.

No, no, stop looking.

Stop looking. Stop, stop looking.

Because I found it!

What, no, this is...

Sweet but surprising?

Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah- dah-dah-dah...

No, no, seriously. This is too much.

Oh!

Waterford crystal salad tongs.

It is too much, Jen! I mean,

I put it on the registry, but...

There was a registry?!

- Come on! - (GLASS SHATTERS)

- (GASPS & CRIES) - No, no... no.

I saw that coming.

?

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What happened with Garth?

Oh, he just got an amazing job in San Fran and is gonna

live there for 6 months, which is forever

in young person years.

I'm sorry.

I think I did want to go to Serious Town.

Of course.

Mo, I was just trying to be all cool and single.

And then I thought, if you weren't also cool and single,

then, being cool and single didn't feel so cool anymore.

It just felt single.

I want to say it's cool, but you just used that word,

like, a lot.

I think you were right. I have a fear of commitment.

- Say it again. - You were right.

In a monster voice.

(MONSTER VOICE) You were right.

In a 1920 announcer voice.

Oh boy, were you ever right.

When it comes to everything but Russian geography,

I always am.

Garth moving to San Fran sucks,

and it's okay to be sad.

And, it's okay to take some time and space and

focus on yourself, and not rush into something else,

even if that something else is a hot former model

who is really nice and...

Okay, this got about you real quick.

Sorry.

Did you apologize to the hot former-model whose

weird expensive salad thingies you broke?

Yes! And he was so nice about it!

He even gave me his number.

God, I wish I was ready to start dating again.

He just seems like one of those guys, you know?

The kind you want to eat sushi off of.

Exactly.

Mo, you're gonna be okay because I got you.

You're my one true life companion.

When I met you, it's like a little light

turned on right here.

- Right here? - Mhm.

Is it like you felt it, 100%?

So bright.

You just know.

God, they really are an amazing couple.

I hate them so much.

- Synced & Corrected by Dragoniod - www.addic7ed.com

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