All language subtitles for Scream Queens s02e08 Rapunzel.eng

- Previously on Scream Queens...
- Give him the procedure now!

Or I will shut this hospital down.

A Jane Hollis filled out a
missing person's report

for her husband, Bill.

I think if we find this Jane Hollis,

we might be able to figure
out who the killer is.

People came by from the hospital.

They asked about you.

Do you think we need to
do something about it?

I'll take care of everything.

The patient was admitted

complaining of lower back pain

and abdominal cramps.

Now, the routine X ray showed a...

an enormous mass in his stomach.

We don't have the results
from the MRI yet.

I don't understand. Why do you need me?

I don't need you, he
was asking about you.

Said you guys used to date

and his symptoms started
when you broke up.

It's not Hannity, is it?

That was supposed
to be way on the D.L.

Hi, Cathy.

Weston.

What's going on?

What's going on is that Mr.
Gardner

has an abdominal tumor

the size of a grapefruit.

We need to get this
thing out immediately.

Oh, dear God. Wes,

when did the stomach pains begin?

When you left me, Cathy.

When you broke my heart.

That's sort of when the pain started.

Wait. You guys used to go out?

Um, yes, we did.

As a matter of fact.

After the Wallace murders...

Cathy and I ran off together.

I got a part-time job

teaching English

at the University of Rural Oregon

so I could fulfill my lifelong dream

of growing a beard and
living in a log cabin

and staring a microbrewery.

How's the Pumpkin Dunkelweizen?

Really good.

- Mmm.
- Yeah.

See, as it turns out,

Cathy was just pretending
to be super supportive,

when all she really wanted
to do was drive a wedge

between my daughter and me,

whom I ended up not
seeing for over a year.

Cut through the fundus.

Retractor, please.

And then a bunch of people got botulism

from my French toast-infused IPA

because a bunch of
mice got into the mash

and my book about
quarters was a huge flop.

Um, shouldn't we be putting him under?

He insisted on staying awake
during the procedure.

So I gave him an epidural.

- Retractor.
- Yeah, you need to hear this, Cathy.

You need to know the
devastation that you caused

when you just up and
walked out of my life!

Hey, hold on.

You wrote a book about quarters?

Yes. It was called

An American History.

Damn it, it's our most important coin.

No, all right.

Look, I said it then,

and I'll say it now:

I just don't see how you can say

that one coin is more important

- than another.
- Yeah,

I know, Cathy.

I remember.

Because that was the last
thing that you said to me

before you walked out
of my life forever.

And that's when the
stomach pain started.

Look, Wes,

I promise I will try to
make this right for you.

Huh. This is really weird.

What?

What? What? What's weird?

That thing in your stomach,

it's not a tumor.

It's a giant hair ball.

Looks like Trump's wig.

Oh.

It's called trichobezoar.

It's, uh...

basically doctor talk for hair ball.

Listen, you know,

you would have made our
lives a lot easier

and the operation a lot safer

if you just would have
told us the truth.

How did he get that much
hair in his stomach?

Duh. He's obviously been dating

one of those Occupy Wall Street

or Pussy Riot girls,

who think not shaving their cooter

is some kind of political protest

against the patriarchy or something.

Are you saying that
that's a giant Ziploc bag

- full of commie pubes?
- Mm-hmm.

No, they're not pubes. Mr.
Gardner suffers from

a condition called trichophagia.

Oh, it's from the Greek.

Trichia meaning "hair,"

- and phagein meaning "to eat."
- Yes.

Exactly, that's exactly right, yeah.

It's a psychological disorder

that causes, uh, people to pull out

and then eat their own hair.

Number Five,

how have you never come down with that?

Seriously. That seems
right up your alley.

Look, like I told you
guys during the surgery,

I was all stressed out after
Cathy and I broke up.

I was managing pretty well

until Grace moved to Stanford

to work on her master's.

She is... so far away.

She's doing great, by the way.

Thanks for any of you

for bothering to ask. Anyway...

the beer company was a bust,

my first book tanked,

and I lost my job at Rural Oregon

because I refused to
use trigger warnings

before screening horror movies

to the students.

Obama's America.

I was home alone all the time.

All stressed out, trying
to write my second book,

Historical Playlists.

And one day, I just started
picking out my hair

and eating it.

I didn't even realize
that I was doing it.

It was... it was unconscious.

Before I knew it, I had
this giant bald spot

on the side of my head.

Yeah, that went on for
about three months.

But then, check this out:

I went to a Tony Robbins seminar

and he got me to stop by yelling at me.

That man's head is
even bigger in person.

Yeah.

And I-I thought that

I had just poo-pooed out all of my hair.

I had no idea that it
was stuck in there.

- I'm just glad that this all worked out.
- Sweet.

And I guess it kind of gave me an excuse

to come see you again, Cathy.

And I'm grateful

that my hair grew back before I did.

Yeah.

I really love that big,

bushy head of hair.

I used to get naked

and put him in a headlock

between my thighs

and then look in the mirror

and try to pretend

- I was a porn star from the 1970s.
- Oh, man...

Wait, stop it.

- You remember?
- Of course I remember.

Do you still have those...

I have the Polaroids.

- Oh, oh...
- Oh, my...

Those... those were good times.

Sorry.

Sorry.

- Oops.
- Um... Dr. Holt,

uh, if I am well enough,

do you think that...

I could take this beautiful young woman

out for dinner tonight?

Maybe give her a little bit of...
sex after?

Okay.

I think I'm gonna go to my office.

Um, girls, your rounds.

Doctor...

Now, you two have, uh,

chemistry, huh?

What are you, jealous?

Oh, no.

Chanel and I are doing great.

She is really, really a terrific girl.

- A lot of reallys.
- Yeah.

So, are you two gonna
start dating again?

Well,

I think considering our past,

and the fact that you
are really unavailable,

I think there's a very good chance

that Wes and I

will be exchanging a hair ball or two,

if you know what I mean.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Do you have a problem with that?

No.

No, I'm just glad that we're all...

so damn happy.

Good. Me, too.

Hey, kids,

shay-day Zayday here,

and I know you guys are asking,

"What's the gag for the day?"

Well, I'm here to tell
you that the gag is

we're curing everybody in this hospital.

- Hey, gramps, what's the gag with you?
- Uh,

I'm sorry? T-T-The what?

You know, the gag, the
dope, the hibby-jibby.

Mr. Abromowitz, it
looks like you've been

diagnosed with tuberculosis.

1918 called, it wants its disease back.

Mwah!

All right, Zay-niacs,

that's the gag for the day.

Ugh!

Ugh!

Hmm.

What?

Hmm.

What's up? I
got a surprise for you.

You ready? Ah!

Have you ever courted a girl before?

Yeah, tons of girls.

Ever close the deal?

Few times.

Actually once.

Online thing. You know,
cyber sex, you know.

But when we actually
met, it turned out to be

my cousin Leon catfishing
me 'cause he was mad

that I took the last turkey leg
two years ago at Thanksgiving.

But that boy can write some cyber.

He need to do an erotic novel.

Here's the gag.

Girls don't like it when you're eager.

Any time I post anything on
social media or text you,

you respond before I even get
a chance to finish typing,

and... it's unattractive.

Look, I like you, but
when you seem desperate,

it's a turn-off.

Damn, Zayday.

All right. Well, you know what? Noted.

Can I talk to you about something?

I was thinking about the costume
that the Green Meanie wears.

It's very specific and elaborate.

You can't just buy something like that

at a costume store,
which means he had...

Either the killer is an
expert tailor and mask maker,

or he had it made by someone who is.

Okay, I was thinking the second option.

Okay, so, then, all we have to do

is use ourselves as bait to draw

the Green Meanie in, and
then figure out a way

to cut a piece of fabric off his costume

and bring it around to all the
fabric stores in the area,

see if they recognize it

like they do in those forensics shows.

Okay, this is not a
forensics show, all right?

That is an unnecessarily dangerous

and extremely complicated plan!

Why don't we just go to the
shops and describe it to 'em?

Not if they're in on it in some way.

We need a piece of evidence to
put pressure on them to talk.

If they know there's a way we
can tie 'em to the murders,

they'll be more willing
to give up the killer.

Just hope we don't
get killed in the process.

Although it may stop me
from texting you as much.

Wishful thinking.

What?!

I can't believe you don't
like my text messages.

You know, I often wonder
what my life would be like

if I didn't become a surgeon.

Are you recording this?

Yeah. I have this amazing
filter that makes you look

like a dog with a huge tongue.
Keep talking.

Well, my dad wanted me
to become a lawyer...

Oh, my God, that's hilarious!

because he represented
the Nixon administration

during the Watergate hearing.

Would you...? Do you mind

- putting the phone down, please?
- Oh. Like here?

No. I meant... Yeah,
that's what I meant.

I'm listening!

Your uncle sold Waterford
crystal to Cynthia Nixon.

Yeah. Anyway, it was...

it was my mother. My mother was the one

who wanted me to become a doctor
'cause she really loved M.A.S.H.

Wait. What? Mash, like...

Oh, like mash potatoes?

No. Like, M.A.S.H the TV show.

You know. Took place
during the Korean War?

But it was really about Vietnam?

Uh...

Only the most popular television
show in the history of TV?

I think you mean Boy Meets World.

Uh, hello?

Boy Meets World? Cory and Topanga.

The greatest love story ever.

You should really watch Boy Meets World.

You know...

I'm starting to feel the age gap a bit.
Are you?

I'm sorry. I'm trying. I mean...

I listened to the
oldies station all day,

I-I learned about Blink-182

and Smash Mouth and Chumbawamba...

I got an idea. Let's go to the bedroom.
Shall we?

Oh!

Oh...

Uh, yes!

Yeah...

Oh, yes.

Mm-hmm.

Are you having a good time?

Yeah. Why?

Well, you seem to be looking
around the room a lot...

quite a bit...

Are you yawning?

What?

- Yawning.
- No! Why would...

Oh...

No?

Are you texting?

Mm... Uh, no.

I'm Snapchatting.

Snapchatting?

Look. Brock.

I'm sorry, okay? But...

I'm hot.

I don't have to be good in bed.

I just lay here and let
hot dudes pork me.

But for you, I'll let
you look at my boobs.

They're right here.

You missed me,

didn't you?

A real woman,

who's been around the
block a couple times.

You know, a brassy old girl

who really knows what she's doing.

- Oh, Cathy...
- Good...

What did you just say?

What? Did you just call me Cathy?

No! No, I said...

Bathy.

Oh, Bathy. Yeah. I...

Look, I-I love making love
to you, but sometimes

I think it would be great
if we just lit some candles

and... and popped some
champagne and took a bathy.

- Oh, do you?
- Yeah.

No! Nuh-uh!

You just called me Cathy,

because you were
thinking of Dean Munsch.

I was... that's crazy.

Is that her first name, even?

You know what?

Continue.

I'll be listening to Spotify.

That way you can yell the name
of whatever dusty old hag

takes you there.

Looking for me?

Mm.

Surprise, bitch.

Now!

Oh...

You okay?

I'm fine.

I got it.

Is everyone in target heart rate?

Here we go!
Get ready...

Set... And go!

Well, hey, Brock.

Well! I just broke out

the old workout tapes, just
trying to get my body back

into fine-tuned shape
now that Wes Gardner

is back in my pants.

Oh! Something I learned from him...

the male multiple orgasm?

Not a myth.

I think I made a terrible mistake.

What?

Chanel's great and all, but...

the thing is, usually when you
sleep with a 24-year old,

the sex is, like... You know.

You can't walk for weeks.
It's a whole thing.

Yeah.

The issues really start
when you have to, you know,

actually talk to them.
And with Chanel...

Mm-hmm.

the whole thing is lame.

Oh, poor Brock.

Rest assured, you are not

the first seaman to have been fooled

by the St. Elmo's fire of
a young girl furburger.

I'm just sorry that you came
to your senses too late.

You see, you and Wes

are virtually interchangeable.

I mean, he's six foot...

whatever, brown hair, blue eyes.
Well-educated.

Aware there's a G-spot
and know how to find it.

Please, Dean Munsch.

"Please, Dean Munsch," what, sweetheart?

Please, Dean Munsch, will you... give us

the night off so I can
go get those shoes

that Chanel really wants?

Hmm. That's what I thought.

Oh, my darling. You're the best!

- Mm!
- Oh!

I can't wait to get
into bed with you later

and rock your world.

- Mm-hmm.
- If you play your cards right,

I may even move a little.

Hmm.

So, I don't know if
menopause makes old crones

lose their ability to
think or see clearly,

but Dr. Brock Holt is my man.

Oh, you.

Sweet, sweet girl.

You see, he's your man

because I let him be your man,

and he will be your man until I
decide to take him from you.

Which won't be very difficult.

You see, men like Brock

seem to be attracted to women
who can do long division.

And who have a sex swing
in their bedrooms.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

Wait a minute...

Why am I leaving? This is my office.
You should be exiting.

I am not exiting just so you
can end our conversation

on your dramatic threat.

Why would I help you like that?

I am just gonna stand here.

Hmm.

Okay.

Make yourself at home.

Mm.

She says
I text her too much.

And yeah, maybe I do. Like, when I
get up in the morning, I'll send her

a text, like, "Hey, I just woke
up, are you still asleep?"

But then she won't text me back!
So, then I'll be, like, look.

No need to write me back
if you still asleep,

but then I'm, like, she not asleep.
She got to be awake.

So now I'll text again, like, look.
If you asleep,

it's okay. But call me when you wake up.

Though you should not feel obligated...

Okay! I'm gonna stop you right there.

Give me your phone.

What? Why?

Because you're being a total creeper.

I mean, I would be stunned
if Zayday hasn't already

taken out a restraining
order against you.

Chanel's right. You're
definitely blowing it.

Um... I don't agree.

I, for one, would love if a
guy would text me that much.

Or at all.

There. Problem solved.

I blocked Zayday's
number from your phone.

That way if she texts
you, you won't know,

so you won't be tempted to
text her back right away.

Then at 9:00 p.m. on the dot,
every day, the phone will

automatically unblock her
number, and you'll receive

any text messages she may have
sent you throughout the day,

and you're allowed to respond with...

one text.

Then after an hour, your
phone will automatically

reblock the number and it'll seem

like you're playing it cool,

and she'll probably be
less creeped out by you

and that's my good deed for the year!

Oh, and don't think just because
I'm helping you doesn't mean

I don't think that
you're the Green Meanie

because I still have my suspicions.

All right, that's like a
double-double negative

and a negative, but whatever...
whatever that means,

I'll take it, okay? Thanks, Chanels.

Who the hell I'm-a text?

Come back tomorrow, we're closed.

Please, no, it'll only take a second.

I just need to know if you've
seen this fabric before?

Why don't you come in?

Oh, I-I'm so sorry. I've just...

been in every fabric store
in a 50-mile radius, and...

Maybe you can tell me where
someone might've gotten that?

Follow me.

Aah!

Midnight green velvet pleather.

Very exotic.

So you've seen that fabric before?

Oh, yes.

I've made several interesting costumes

with this fabric

Big, scary ones.

With a green mask and horns.

I think we're talking
about the same costume.

Like, uh, uh, a swamp monster

with a long, green cape?

Yes, that's the one.

I made three of them. Same design,

but different sizes.

When was this?

One was years ago.

1986, I think.

I-I remember the year,
because that was year

Karate Kid II came out.

I got a handy in the theater.

The next one was

a few months ago.

I remember that one
because I went to try

this new Italian place in town,

and I got a handy under the table.

The last one was just a few weeks ago.

I don't remember any handies
associated with that one.

They all paid in cash.

And I don't keep receipts.

Wait, do you remember anything else?

Like who placed the order
or what they looked like?

Well, the second one was all by mail.

They just sent me the measurements

and a P.O. box to mail the costume to.

The first one and the third one...

it was the same person
who ordered those.

Nice old lady.

Pretty hands.

But I don't remember her name.

An old lady?

Jane.

It could be Jane Hollis.

She could have got the
first and the third,

but who ordered the second?

Oh, uh, thanks.

That's all I need to know.

And then I just put in ear
buds and started listening to

Spotify, and I guess I
dozed off or something...

Oh, my God, Chanel!

You are so lucky.

Okay, if a hot doctor asked
me to take a bathy with him,

I would think that I had
died and gone to heaven.

He didn't say "bathy." He
said "Cathy," as in Dean

Cathy Boxmunch... I mean, if
he's still hung up on her,

I don't know what I'm suppose to do.

I mean, I'm hot, I'm young, I'm skinny.

She's as old as the hills
and a total bitch.

How am I supposed to compete with that?

You could always put in
a little more effort.

Well, how?

Um, I don't know.

Maybe, like, take sex
classes or something?

"Sex classes," Number Three?

And where do you imagine they
offer these sex classes?

Chanel, if I may.

I believe you're going
about this all wrong.

Hmm?

Maybe it isn't about the sex.

Maybe it's about the
cultural differences

between yours and Brock's
respective generations.

Maybe he and Dean Munsch can
bond over shared experiences

in a way that you and he never can.

No... But if that's the case,

then the solution is simple.

We, the Chanels,

are gonna teach you everything

that there is to know
about Brock's generation.

We are gonna throw him a dinner party,

and he is gonna feel completely at home.

And he's gonna be, like,
"Oh, my God, Chanel

"gets me just as much

as Dean Munsch does, except
she's younger and hotter."

Hester, once again
you've proven yourself

to be the sharpest, most canny Chanel.

I mean, no wonder you found it so easy

to orchestrate a string of
murders and frame us for it.

Thank you.

A themed dinner party for Brock

is a fantastic idea.

Ladies, we have work to do.

I know I told you to play it cool,

but now is not the time... I need you.

The gag is I know who
bought the costumes.

Two of them, but just call me back.

Please, ASAP.

I need to talk to you.

Or...

should I talk to the police?

Why are you here?

Why didn't you go
straight to the police?

My experience with the police?

They couldn't find sand on a beach.

And I also wanted you to
know that I understand

your pain.

What happened to your
husband was terrible.

And I get why you would
want the hospital

to close down forever,
but this isn't the way.

Tell me where your son is,

and let me help you turn yourselves in.

Too bad you weren't
working at the hospital

the night they murdered my husband.

You're very kind.

It was hard enough to
lose the love of my life.

The heartbreak was really
just the beginning.

Then there was the rage I felt

when I realized that no one was

going to pay for their crimes.

I told the police that my husband

would not have checked himself out.

Would not have walked out on me.

But they didn't believe me.

The paperwork was all
right there, they said.

Maybe he got cold feet about
being a father, they said.

So I had that costume made

to look like the one that
ass-jerk doctor was wearing

the night they killed my Bill,

and then I told my brother
to go kill everyone

on the anniversary of
my husband's death.

Wait, "brother"?

Well, he was bigger and
stronger than I was,

and he also was kind of a psychopath.

He died a year later in a fight

with a roller derby team.

I miss him.

But knowing him, he
probably deserved it.

So I vowed to never let
that hospital open again.

And I raised my son to
take that same pledge.

Every night before bed,

we'd say our prayers and promise that

if that hospital ever
tried to open again,

we would start killing people

until they just had to close.

But those people had nothing to do

with what happened to your husband.

It was innocent patients.

Why are you trying to bring logic

into this conversation?

You do realize that we are
insane people, right?

Who is?

What's the gag?

Look, I need to know...

Wait, did you dim the lights?

No.

But I did put Lorazepam
in your tea, sweetheart.

You'll pass out in just a few moments.

No, but the gag can't be

that I pass out.

I-I need to...

Why, hello there, flyboy.

Look, gals, our boy Brock

is home from the war.

Hip-hip, hooray!

Extry! Extry! It's victory in Europe.

The Krauts have surrendered.

Shh!

Everyone gather 'round the wireless.

President Roosevelt is about
to give a fireside chat.

Hi, I'm Shirley Temple,
America's sweetheart.

and at
the solicitation of Japan,

was still in conversation
with its government...

Chanel, what...?

What is going on?

Oh, sit down, fella! Take a load off.

I've cooked you a homemade
meal from scratch.

It'll really stick to your ribs.

It's your favorite.

Liver and onions, and
a tall glass of milk.

But make sure you save room for dessert.

Edith lent me her ration
card to buy some sugar,

so I baked you a cake.

Why are you talking like that?

Eat up. Let us women take care of you.

All right, look...

Stop. I-I need you to explain

what's going on right now.

Well, I'm just trying to
show you how familiar I am

with the culture you grew up in.

And we just want to thank
you for the sacrifices

you've made being a member
of the greatest generation!

All right, stop, stop.
Everyone stop, please.

Number Five, stop dancing.

How old do you think I am?

Honestly, I have no idea.

You could be 40, you could be 60.

It's very hard to tell.

You realize, for me to be part
of the "greatest generation,"

I'd have to be, like, 80, right?

Well, I'm sorry. I...

It's just you were
talking about that show

that took place during World War II,

and I thought the reason you
loved it so much was because,

you know, it reminded
you of your childhood.

M.A.S.H. didn't take
place in World War II!

Well... All right, uh,

Uh, look, I'm flattered that you-you-you

did all this for us to connect,

but if I'm being honest,
I'm a little offended.

You're "offended"?!

A little bit, yeah.

I'm gonna go home.

No...

Thanks.

Ladies.

Good-bye, Dr. Holt. When I grow up,

I'm gonna run for Congress!

Shut up, Number Five!

Well...

you ready for round two?

Mmm. Cathy.

I cannot tell you

how amazing it feels to be back

together with you again. I mean, I ca...

Hmm.

can't even believe my luck.

Just a few days ago, I
was a nervous wreck

- with a giant hairball in his stomach.
- Mm-hmm

And now suddenly, I
feel like myself again.

I guess you're my missing piece.

Ah, Wes, I must admit

I'm as surprised as you are.

When I walked out on you
because you were such a loser,

and I couldn't stand your
daughter, I was convinced

it was the right thing to do.

But then when I felt those hands

on this body again,

I was like, "Cathy, you are a moron."

Mmm.

This is the guy you

- should be banging.
- Oh.

Oh, my God, look out!

I have an idea.

Is that body spray? What, are you 12?!

On three, you kick. Oh.

One, two, three.

Let's go! Let's go!

- Let's go.
- What are you talking about?!

Let's stay and fight.
I just had surgery.

I am not about to pop my stitches.

Damn it.

Someone doesn't like the fact

that you and I are back together.

Who?

Dr. Brock Holt, that's who.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Not again.

Help me!

Help me! Help me!

Hi.

Can we talk?

I've been thinking about the
party that you threw me,

and-and how you thought
that maybe I was in my 80s.

Brock, I'm sorry if I offended you.

- I was just...
- Oh, let me finish.

And I was offended

and actually afraid, really,

for the future of our country, but...

the more I thought about it, the
more I realize how sweet it was.

I mean, you were really
trying to make a connection,

- and you put in all that effort to...
- Yeah.

to bridge our age gap and...

Well, I'll tell you,
I've come to a decision.

Oh, my God, you're proposing.
You're proposing.

What? Propo...? Oh, because of the knee?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I have a...

I have a bum knee, and
sometimes if I sit in the same

position too long, it kind
of locks out, so I have to,

ooh, do knee bends and stretch.

Want to stretch it out. Like,
do like, like what I just did.

It's fine now...

I get it!

But I do want to commit to you.

I want you to commit to me.

I want us to commit to
each other for real.

I want you, Chanel.

I want you and no one else.

Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Ow. Brockie.

Chanela. I knew it.

Let me get this straight...
you're back

together with Chanel, but you want

to have an affair with me?

Yes, exactly, and not a one-time thing.

I want a long-term affair.

Something that lasts years.

I'm sorry.

I am just trying to wrap
my head around this.

Well, I like

dating Chanel. I mean, sort of.

We get back together, she makes me do

a Facebook live announcement
and a Reddit AMA

to all her followers, which
are a bunch of nutters,

let me tell you this much.

And I don't even know
if she likes dating me.

I mean, I know she likes
saying that she dates me, but

if I try to craft a sentence

that's longer than four or
five words, by the time

I get to the end, she's back
checking her phone again.

- So why not break up with her?
- I thought of that.

But then the
thought occurred to me...

it's a perfect cover for us.

See,

you keep dating, uh... what's his name?

Wes.

Wes. It's more sexy and
European if you do.

And if he thinks that
Chanel and I are together,

then there's no way he'll suspect

that the two of us are having
something on the side, see?

So... what do I get out of it?

What do you...?

Are you seriously asking
me that question?

I think it's pretty obvious, don't you?

Double the pounding.

- Exactly.
- Hmm.

Double the pounding.

Twice the amount of
ruggedly-handsome men

of a certain age just dying for a taste.

Doesn't that sound tempting?

And, uh... Aah! What's his name again?

Wes. Wes.

Wes must be pushing 50 by now, right?

And I guarantee

there's gonna be a night
or two, try as he might,

- Hmm.
- that he just can't perform.

And that's just when you might
get an emergency call saying

"We need you at the office,
Dean Munsch, right away."

Yeah.

All right.

I think I'm getting one of those calls.

It's coming in right about now.

Right. Come on, baby. You got this.

Hour and a half. Just easy.

You can do this. Chamberlain,
you can do this!

It's nothing. Be strong.
Baby, be strong.

And he's at the free throw line.

Bong. Here we go. He's hot, lady.

Kobe!

Hey!

Shaq.

Oh.

Ew.

Ugh, chainsaw...?

What? No...

Hey, Mr. Gardner.

I'm Chamberlain. I work at the hospital.

Hey, I was doing some dance cardio,

trying to get back into
shape post-surgery.

Yeah, great thinking. Hey,
do you mind if I come in?

I got to talk to you about something.

Yeah, come on in.

- Hey, do you want a juice, huh?
- Nah.

Have a ketchup sandwich or something?

I don't drink juice.
Hey, I got a question.

Um, I was going, you know,
gathering all the medical waste

to dump into the swamp, and I
found some really weird stuff

in your giant-ass hairball.

Like suspicious stuff.

Hey, have any of the Chanels
or Zayday told you anything

about my daughter Grace?

Well, they just said
she was really nice,

and she always thought she was right.

Oh, and Chanel said that her
hair was freakishly big,

like, you know, the dude from
Nightmare Before Christmas.

Or like one of those
Macy Day parade floats.

I figured she was exaggerating.

She's a ray of sunshine is what she is.

Too sweet for this world.

But she was... she was on her
way to doing something great,

like working for Elizabeth
Warren or being a,

an adorable, yet completely
not ironic hat model.

Hmm.

Until the Chanels came along.

You know, she seemed... she
seemed fine, you know,

with all the craziness that was going on

at Wallace University, the,

the hazings and all the murders.

And she was just covering.

It got to her deeply.

Yeah, that's when the signs of
the trauma started to show,

and she stopped sharing
all the boring details

of her life with me.

During that Katy Perry,
Taylor Swift feud,

she sided with Katy.

No. Yeah.

And no matter how many
hats I bought her,

no matter how cute and
whimsical they were,

she refused to wear any.

She was not the same person.
She was changed.

All because of those Chanels.

So is that why you start eating hair?

Is that her hair in
there with your hair?

Listen,

when I heard that Dean Munsch
was starting that hospital,

and all the Chanels were gonna
be working there, I thought,

that doesn't seem fair.

Not when my daughter was locked
up in a mental institution,

because of what they did to her.

Wait. Hold up, I thought you
said she went to Stanford.

Stanford Mental Asylum.

You have to score in the 99th percentile

in your SATs just to get in.

- Yeah, I know about that.
- Yeah.

I couldn't allow them
to get away with it.

How come... how come they
get to become doctors

when my little Grace gets locked up?

And then once that Green
Meanie started killing people,

I thought, "Well,

"what better way to get to them
without anyone suspecting me?

"I could take the Chanels
out, and everyone

would just suspect the
other Green Meanie."

So why did you start
eating all that hair?

I went to the hair salon

and paid them for the
droppings on the floor.

And then I went home...
and I pounded them.

I had to get pretty drunk
in order to do that,

so, clearly, I accidentally
ate a bunch of other stuff

that was just laying around the table.

Why, dude?

Because now I'm in.

Now I can move in and out
of the hospital freely.

Which means that I can finally
get my revenge on the Chanels.

Now, unfortunately,

now that you have heard all of this,

I can't let you leave.

Actually, I got to make a phone call.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I'm just kidding, man.

That was pretty good, though, wasn't it?

Yeah, that was...

Come here, man. Let's get a hug.

There.

Oh. Shh.

Shh...

I'm at Jane Hollis' house!
Come quickly!

We were right. She is the
mother of the killer.

Call me back.

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