Original subtitles

- Previously on Scream Queens... - Give him the procedure now!

Or I will shut this hospital down.

A Jane Hollis filled out a missing person's report

for her husband, Bill.

I think if we find this Jane Hollis,

we might be able to figure out who the killer is.

People came by from the hospital.

They asked about you.

Do you think we need to do something about it?

I'll take care of everything.

The patient was admitted

complaining of lower back pain

and abdominal cramps.

Now, the routine X ray showed a...

an enormous mass in his stomach.

We don't have the results from the MRI yet.

I don't understand. Why do you need me?

I don't need you, he was asking about you.

Said you guys used to date

and his symptoms started when you broke up.

It's not Hannity, is it?

That was supposed to be way on the D.L.

Hi, Cathy.

Weston.

What's going on?

What's going on is that Mr. Gardner

has an abdominal tumor

the size of a grapefruit.

We need to get this thing out immediately.

Oh, dear God. Wes,

when did the stomach pains begin?

When you left me, Cathy.

When you broke my heart.

That's sort of when the pain started.

Wait. You guys used to go out?

Um, yes, we did.

As a matter of fact.

After the Wallace murders...

Cathy and I ran off together.

I got a part-time job

teaching English

at the University of Rural Oregon

so I could fulfill my lifelong dream

of growing a beard and living in a log cabin

and staring a microbrewery.

How's the Pumpkin Dunkelweizen?

Really good.

- Mmm. - Yeah.

See, as it turns out,

Cathy was just pretending to be super supportive,

when all she really wanted to do was drive a wedge

between my daughter and me,

whom I ended up not seeing for over a year.

Cut through the fundus.

Retractor, please.

And then a bunch of people got botulism

from my French toast-infused IPA

because a bunch of mice got into the mash

and my book about quarters was a huge flop.

Um, shouldn't we be putting him under?

He insisted on staying awake during the procedure.

So I gave him an epidural.

- Retractor. - Yeah, you need to hear this, Cathy.

You need to know the devastation that you caused

when you just up and walked out of my life!

Hey, hold on.

You wrote a book about quarters?

Yes. It was called

An American History.

Damn it, it's our most important coin.

No, all right.

Look, I said it then,

and I'll say it now:

I just don't see how you can say

that one coin is more important

- than another. - Yeah,

I know, Cathy.

I remember.

Because that was the last thing that you said to me

before you walked out of my life forever.

And that's when the stomach pain started.

Look, Wes,

I promise I will try to make this right for you.

Huh. This is really weird.

What?

What? What? What's weird?

That thing in your stomach,

it's not a tumor.

It's a giant hair ball.

Looks like Trump's wig.

Oh.

It's called trichobezoar.

It's, uh...

basically doctor talk for hair ball.

Listen, you know,

you would have made our lives a lot easier

and the operation a lot safer

if you just would have told us the truth.

How did he get that much hair in his stomach?

Duh. He's obviously been dating

one of those Occupy Wall Street

or Pussy Riot girls,

who think not shaving their cooter

is some kind of political protest

against the patriarchy or something.

Are you saying that that's a giant Ziploc bag

- full of commie pubes? - Mm-hmm.

No, they're not pubes. Mr. Gardner suffers from

a condition called trichophagia.

Oh, it's from the Greek.

Trichia meaning "hair,"

- and phagein meaning "to eat." - Yes.

Exactly, that's exactly right, yeah.

It's a psychological disorder

that causes, uh, people to pull out

and then eat their own hair.

Number Five,

how have you never come down with that?

Seriously. That seems right up your alley.

Look, like I told you guys during the surgery,

I was all stressed out after Cathy and I broke up.

I was managing pretty well

until Grace moved to Stanford

to work on her master's.

She is... so far away.

She's doing great, by the way.

Thanks for any of you

for bothering to ask. Anyway...

the beer company was a bust,

my first book tanked,

and I lost my job at Rural Oregon

because I refused to use trigger warnings

before screening horror movies

to the students.

Obama's America.

I was home alone all the time.

All stressed out, trying to write my second book,

Historical Playlists.

And one day, I just started picking out my hair

and eating it.

I didn't even realize that I was doing it.

It was... it was unconscious.

Before I knew it, I had this giant bald spot

on the side of my head.

Yeah, that went on for about three months.

But then, check this out:

I went to a Tony Robbins seminar

and he got me to stop by yelling at me.

That man's head is even bigger in person.

Yeah.

And I-I thought that

I had just poo-pooed out all of my hair.

I had no idea that it was stuck in there.

- I'm just glad that this all worked out. - Sweet.

And I guess it kind of gave me an excuse

to come see you again, Cathy.

And I'm grateful

that my hair grew back before I did.

Yeah.

I really love that big,

bushy head of hair.

I used to get naked

and put him in a headlock

between my thighs

and then look in the mirror

and try to pretend

- I was a porn star from the 1970s. - Oh, man...

Wait, stop it.

- You remember? - Of course I remember.

Do you still have those...

I have the Polaroids.

- Oh, oh... - Oh, my...

Those... those were good times.

Sorry.

Sorry.

- Oops. - Um... Dr. Holt,

uh, if I am well enough,

do you think that...

I could take this beautiful young woman

out for dinner tonight?

Maybe give her a little bit of... sex after?

Okay.

I think I'm gonna go to my office.

Um, girls, your rounds.

Doctor...

Now, you two have, uh,

chemistry, huh?

What are you, jealous?

Oh, no.

Chanel and I are doing great.

She is really, really a terrific girl.

- A lot of reallys. - Yeah.

So, are you two gonna start dating again?

Well,

I think considering our past,

and the fact that you are really unavailable,

I think there's a very good chance

that Wes and I

will be exchanging a hair ball or two,

if you know what I mean.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Do you have a problem with that?

No.

No, I'm just glad that we're all...

so damn happy.

Good. Me, too.

Hey, kids,

shay-day Zayday here,

and I know you guys are asking,

"What's the gag for the day?"

Well, I'm here to tell you that the gag is

we're curing everybody in this hospital.

- Hey, gramps, what's the gag with you? - Uh,

I'm sorry? T-T-The what?

You know, the gag, the dope, the hibby-jibby.

Mr. Abromowitz, it looks like you've been

diagnosed with tuberculosis.

1918 called, it wants its disease back.

Mwah!

All right, Zay-niacs,

that's the gag for the day.

Ugh!

Ugh!

Hmm.

What?

Hmm.

What's up? I got a surprise for you.

You ready? Ah!

Have you ever courted a girl before?

Yeah, tons of girls.

Ever close the deal?

Few times.

Actually once.

Online thing. You know, cyber sex, you know.

But when we actually met, it turned out to be

my cousin Leon catfishing me 'cause he was mad

that I took the last turkey leg two years ago at Thanksgiving.

But that boy can write some cyber.

He need to do an erotic novel.

Here's the gag.

Girls don't like it when you're eager.

Any time I post anything on social media or text you,

you respond before I even get a chance to finish typing,

and... it's unattractive.

Look, I like you, but when you seem desperate,

it's a turn-off.

Damn, Zayday.

All right. Well, you know what? Noted.

Can I talk to you about something?

I was thinking about the costume that the Green Meanie wears.

It's very specific and elaborate.

You can't just buy something like that

at a costume store, which means he had...

Either the killer is an expert tailor and mask maker,

or he had it made by someone who is.

Okay, I was thinking the second option.

Okay, so, then, all we have to do

is use ourselves as bait to draw

the Green Meanie in, and then figure out a way

to cut a piece of fabric off his costume

and bring it around to all the fabric stores in the area,

see if they recognize it

like they do in those forensics shows.

Okay, this is not a forensics show, all right?

That is an unnecessarily dangerous

and extremely complicated plan!

Why don't we just go to the shops and describe it to 'em?

Not if they're in on it in some way.

We need a piece of evidence to put pressure on them to talk.

If they know there's a way we can tie 'em to the murders,

they'll be more willing to give up the killer.

Just hope we don't get killed in the process.

Although it may stop me from texting you as much.

Wishful thinking.

What?!

I can't believe you don't like my text messages.

You know, I often wonder what my life would be like

if I didn't become a surgeon.

Are you recording this?

Yeah. I have this amazing filter that makes you look

like a dog with a huge tongue. Keep talking.

Well, my dad wanted me to become a lawyer...

Oh, my God, that's hilarious!

because he represented the Nixon administration

during the Watergate hearing.

Would you...? Do you mind

- putting the phone down, please? - Oh. Like here?

No. I meant... Yeah, that's what I meant.

I'm listening!

Your uncle sold Waterford crystal to Cynthia Nixon.

Yeah. Anyway, it was...

it was my mother. My mother was the one

who wanted me to become a doctor 'cause she really loved M.A.S.H.

Wait. What? Mash, like...

Oh, like mash potatoes?

No. Like, M.A.S.H the TV show.

You know. Took place during the Korean War?

But it was really about Vietnam?

Uh...

Only the most popular television show in the history of TV?

I think you mean Boy Meets World.

Uh, hello?

Boy Meets World? Cory and Topanga.

The greatest love story ever.

You should really watch Boy Meets World.

You know...

I'm starting to feel the age gap a bit. Are you?

I'm sorry. I'm trying. I mean...

I listened to the oldies station all day,

I-I learned about Blink-182

and Smash Mouth and Chumbawamba...

I got an idea. Let's go to the bedroom. Shall we?

Oh!

Oh...

Uh, yes!

Yeah...

Oh, yes.

Mm-hmm.

Are you having a good time?

Yeah. Why?

Well, you seem to be looking around the room a lot...

quite a bit...

Are you yawning?

What?

- Yawning. - No! Why would...

Oh...

No?

Are you texting?

Mm... Uh, no.

I'm Snapchatting.

Snapchatting?

Look. Brock.

I'm sorry, okay? But...

I'm hot.

I don't have to be good in bed.

I just lay here and let hot dudes pork me.

But for you, I'll let you look at my boobs.

They're right here.

You missed me,

didn't you?

A real woman,

who's been around the block a couple times.

You know, a brassy old girl

who really knows what she's doing.

- Oh, Cathy... - Good...

What did you just say?

What? Did you just call me Cathy?

No! No, I said...

Bathy.

Oh, Bathy. Yeah. I...

Look, I-I love making love to you, but sometimes

I think it would be great if we just lit some candles

and... and popped some champagne and took a bathy.

- Oh, do you? - Yeah.

No! Nuh-uh!

You just called me Cathy,

because you were thinking of Dean Munsch.

I was... that's crazy.

Is that her first name, even?

You know what?

Continue.

I'll be listening to Spotify.

That way you can yell the name of whatever dusty old hag

takes you there.

Looking for me?

Mm.

Could it be this way

Surprise, bitch.

Now!

Oh...

You okay?

I'm fine.

I got it.

Is everyone in target heart rate?

Here we go! Get ready...

Set... And go!

Well, hey, Brock.

Well! I just broke out

the old workout tapes, just trying to get my body back

into fine-tuned shape now that Wes Gardner

is back in my pants.

Oh! Something I learned from him...

the male multiple orgasm?

Not a myth.

I think I made a terrible mistake.

What?

Chanel's great and all, but...

the thing is, usually when you sleep with a 24-year old,

the sex is, like... You know.

You can't walk for weeks. It's a whole thing.

Yeah.

The issues really start when you have to, you know,

actually talk to them. And with Chanel...

Mm-hmm.

the whole thing is lame.

Oh, poor Brock.

Rest assured, you are not

the first seaman to have been fooled

by the St. Elmo's fire of a young girl furburger.

I'm just sorry that you came to your senses too late.

You see, you and Wes

are virtually interchangeable.

I mean, he's six foot...

whatever, brown hair, blue eyes. Well-educated.

Aware there's a G-spot and know how to find it.

Please, Dean Munsch.

"Please, Dean Munsch," what, sweetheart?

Please, Dean Munsch, will you... give us

the night off so I can go get those shoes

that Chanel really wants?

Hmm. That's what I thought.

Oh, my darling. You're the best!

- Mm! - Oh!

I can't wait to get into bed with you later

and rock your world.

- Mm-hmm. - If you play your cards right,

I may even move a little.

Hmm.

So, I don't know if menopause makes old crones

lose their ability to think or see clearly,

but Dr. Brock Holt is my man.

Oh, you.

Sweet, sweet girl.

You see, he's your man

because I let him be your man,

and he will be your man until I decide to take him from you.

Which won't be very difficult.

You see, men like Brock

seem to be attracted to women who can do long division.

And who have a sex swing in their bedrooms.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

Wait a minute...

Why am I leaving? This is my office. You should be exiting.

I am not exiting just so you can end our conversation

on your dramatic threat.

Why would I help you like that?

I am just gonna stand here.

Hmm.

Okay.

Make yourself at home.

Mm.

She says I text her too much.

And yeah, maybe I do. Like, when I get up in the morning, I'll send her

a text, like, "Hey, I just woke up, are you still asleep?"

But then she won't text me back! So, then I'll be, like, look.

No need to write me back if you still asleep,

but then I'm, like, she not asleep. She got to be awake.

So now I'll text again, like, look. If you asleep,

it's okay. But call me when you wake up.

Though you should not feel obligated...

Okay! I'm gonna stop you right there.

Give me your phone.

What? Why?

Because you're being a total creeper.

I mean, I would be stunned if Zayday hasn't already

taken out a restraining order against you.

Chanel's right. You're definitely blowing it.

Um... I don't agree.

I, for one, would love if a guy would text me that much.

Or at all.

There. Problem solved.

I blocked Zayday's number from your phone.

That way if she texts you, you won't know,

so you won't be tempted to text her back right away.

Then at 9:00 p.m. on the dot, every day, the phone will

automatically unblock her number, and you'll receive

any text messages she may have sent you throughout the day,

and you're allowed to respond with...

one text.

Then after an hour, your phone will automatically

reblock the number and it'll seem

like you're playing it cool,

and she'll probably be less creeped out by you

and that's my good deed for the year!

Oh, and don't think just because I'm helping you doesn't mean

I don't think that you're the Green Meanie

because I still have my suspicions.

All right, that's like a double-double negative

and a negative, but whatever... whatever that means,

I'll take it, okay? Thanks, Chanels.

Who the hell I'm-a text?

Come back tomorrow, we're closed.

Please, no, it'll only take a second.

I just need to know if you've seen this fabric before?

Why don't you come in?

Oh, I-I'm so sorry. I've just...

been in every fabric store in a 50-mile radius, and...

Maybe you can tell me where someone might've gotten that?

Follow me.

Aah!

Midnight green velvet pleather.

Very exotic.

So you've seen that fabric before?

Oh, yes.

I've made several interesting costumes

with this fabric

Big, scary ones.

With a green mask and horns.

I think we're talking about the same costume.

Like, uh, uh, a swamp monster

with a long, green cape?

Yes, that's the one.

I made three of them. Same design,

but different sizes.

When was this?

One was years ago.

1986, I think.

I-I remember the year, because that was year

Karate Kid II came out.

I got a handy in the theater.

The next one was

a few months ago.

I remember that one because I went to try

this new Italian place in town,

and I got a handy under the table.

The last one was just a few weeks ago.

I don't remember any handies associated with that one.

They all paid in cash.

And I don't keep receipts.

Wait, do you remember anything else?

Like who placed the order or what they looked like?

Well, the second one was all by mail.

They just sent me the measurements

and a P.O. box to mail the costume to.

The first one and the third one...

it was the same person who ordered those.

Nice old lady.

Pretty hands.

But I don't remember her name.

An old lady?

Jane.

It could be Jane Hollis.

She could have got the first and the third,

but who ordered the second?

Oh, uh, thanks.

That's all I need to know.

And then I just put in ear buds and started listening to

Spotify, and I guess I dozed off or something...

Oh, my God, Chanel!

You are so lucky.

Okay, if a hot doctor asked me to take a bathy with him,

I would think that I had died and gone to heaven.

He didn't say "bathy." He said "Cathy," as in Dean

Cathy Boxmunch... I mean, if he's still hung up on her,

I don't know what I'm suppose to do.

I mean, I'm hot, I'm young, I'm skinny.

She's as old as the hills and a total bitch.

How am I supposed to compete with that?

You could always put in a little more effort.

Well, how?

Um, I don't know.

Maybe, like, take sex classes or something?

"Sex classes," Number Three?

And where do you imagine they offer these sex classes?

Chanel, if I may.

I believe you're going about this all wrong.

Hmm?

Maybe it isn't about the sex.

Maybe it's about the cultural differences

between yours and Brock's respective generations.

Maybe he and Dean Munsch can bond over shared experiences

in a way that you and he never can.

No... But if that's the case,

then the solution is simple.

We, the Chanels,

are gonna teach you everything

that there is to know about Brock's generation.

We are gonna throw him a dinner party,

and he is gonna feel completely at home.

And he's gonna be, like, "Oh, my God, Chanel

"gets me just as much

as Dean Munsch does, except she's younger and hotter."

Hester, once again you've proven yourself

to be the sharpest, most canny Chanel.

I mean, no wonder you found it so easy

to orchestrate a string of murders and frame us for it.

Thank you.

A themed dinner party for Brock

is a fantastic idea.

Ladies, we have work to do.

I know I told you to play it cool,

but now is not the time... I need you.

The gag is I know who bought the costumes.

Two of them, but just call me back.

Please, ASAP.

I need to talk to you.

Or...

should I talk to the police?

Why are you here?

Why didn't you go straight to the police?

My experience with the police?

They couldn't find sand on a beach.

And I also wanted you to know that I understand

your pain.

What happened to your husband was terrible.

And I get why you would want the hospital

to close down forever, but this isn't the way.

Tell me where your son is,

and let me help you turn yourselves in.

Too bad you weren't working at the hospital

the night they murdered my husband.

You're very kind.

It was hard enough to lose the love of my life.

The heartbreak was really just the beginning.

Then there was the rage I felt

when I realized that no one was

going to pay for their crimes.

I told the police that my husband

would not have checked himself out.

Would not have walked out on me.

But they didn't believe me.

The paperwork was all right there, they said.

Maybe he got cold feet about being a father, they said.

So I had that costume made

to look like the one that ass-jerk doctor was wearing

the night they killed my Bill,

and then I told my brother to go kill everyone

on the anniversary of my husband's death.

Wait, "brother"?

Well, he was bigger and stronger than I was,

and he also was kind of a psychopath.

He died a year later in a fight

with a roller derby team.

I miss him.

But knowing him, he probably deserved it.

So I vowed to never let that hospital open again.

And I raised my son to take that same pledge.

Every night before bed,

we'd say our prayers and promise that

if that hospital ever tried to open again,

we would start killing people

until they just had to close.

But those people had nothing to do

with what happened to your husband.

It was innocent patients.

Why are you trying to bring logic

into this conversation?

You do realize that we are insane people, right?

Who is?

What's the gag?

Look, I need to know...

Wait, did you dim the lights?

No.

But I did put Lorazepam in your tea, sweetheart.

You'll pass out in just a few moments.

No, but the gag can't be

that I pass out.

I-I need to...

Why, hello there, flyboy.

Look, gals, our boy Brock

is home from the war.

Hip-hip, hooray!

Extry! Extry! It's victory in Europe.

The Krauts have surrendered.

Shh!

Everyone gather 'round the wireless.

President Roosevelt is about to give a fireside chat.

Hi, I'm Shirley Temple, America's sweetheart.

and at the solicitation of Japan,

was still in conversation with its government...

Chanel, what...?

What is going on?

Oh, sit down, fella! Take a load off.

I've cooked you a homemade meal from scratch.

It'll really stick to your ribs.

It's your favorite.

Liver and onions, and a tall glass of milk.

But make sure you save room for dessert.

Edith lent me her ration card to buy some sugar,

so I baked you a cake.

Why are you talking like that?

Eat up. Let us women take care of you.

All right, look...

Stop. I-I need you to explain

what's going on right now.

Well, I'm just trying to show you how familiar I am

with the culture you grew up in.

And we just want to thank you for the sacrifices

you've made being a member of the greatest generation!

All right, stop, stop. Everyone stop, please.

Number Five, stop dancing.

How old do you think I am?

Honestly, I have no idea.

You could be 40, you could be 60.

It's very hard to tell.

You realize, for me to be part of the "greatest generation,"

I'd have to be, like, 80, right?

Well, I'm sorry. I...

It's just you were talking about that show

that took place during World War II,

and I thought the reason you loved it so much was because,

you know, it reminded you of your childhood.

M.A.S.H. didn't take place in World War II!

Well... All right, uh,

Uh, look, I'm flattered that you-you-you

did all this for us to connect,

but if I'm being honest, I'm a little offended.

You're "offended"?!

A little bit, yeah.

I'm gonna go home.

No...

Thanks.

Ladies.

Good-bye, Dr. Holt. When I grow up,

I'm gonna run for Congress!

Shut up, Number Five!

Well...

you ready for round two?

Mmm. Cathy.

I cannot tell you

how amazing it feels to be back

together with you again. I mean, I ca...

Hmm.

can't even believe my luck.

Just a few days ago, I was a nervous wreck

- with a giant hairball in his stomach. - Mm-hmm

And now suddenly, I feel like myself again.

I guess you're my missing piece.

Ah, Wes, I must admit

I'm as surprised as you are.

When I walked out on you because you were such a loser,

and I couldn't stand your daughter, I was convinced

it was the right thing to do.

But then when I felt those hands

on this body again,

I was like, "Cathy, you are a moron."

Mmm.

This is the guy you

- should be banging. - Oh.

Oh, my God, look out!

I have an idea.

Is that body spray? What, are you 12?!

On three, you kick. Oh.

One, two, three.

Let's go! Let's go!

- Let's go. - What are you talking about?!

Let's stay and fight. I just had surgery.

I am not about to pop my stitches.

Damn it.

Someone doesn't like the fact

that you and I are back together.

Who?

Dr. Brock Holt, that's who.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Not again.

Help me!

Help me! Help me!

Hi.

Can we talk?

I've been thinking about the party that you threw me,

and-and how you thought that maybe I was in my 80s.

Brock, I'm sorry if I offended you.

- I was just... - Oh, let me finish.

And I was offended

and actually afraid, really,

for the future of our country, but...

the more I thought about it, the more I realize how sweet it was.

I mean, you were really trying to make a connection,

- and you put in all that effort to... - Yeah.

to bridge our age gap and...

Well, I'll tell you, I've come to a decision.

Oh, my God, you're proposing. You're proposing.

What? Propo...? Oh, because of the knee?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I have a...

I have a bum knee, and sometimes if I sit in the same

position too long, it kind of locks out, so I have to,

ooh, do knee bends and stretch.

Want to stretch it out. Like, do like, like what I just did.

It's fine now...

I get it!

But I do want to commit to you.

I want you to commit to me.

I want us to commit to each other for real.

I want you, Chanel.

I want you and no one else.

Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Ow. Brockie.

Chanela. I knew it.

Let me get this straight... you're back

together with Chanel, but you want

to have an affair with me?

Yes, exactly, and not a one-time thing.

I want a long-term affair.

Something that lasts years.

I'm sorry.

I am just trying to wrap my head around this.

Well, I like

dating Chanel. I mean, sort of.

We get back together, she makes me do

a Facebook live announcement and a Reddit AMA

to all her followers, which are a bunch of nutters,

let me tell you this much.

And I don't even know if she likes dating me.

I mean, I know she likes saying that she dates me, but

if I try to craft a sentence

that's longer than four or five words, by the time

I get to the end, she's back checking her phone again.

- So why not break up with her? - I thought of that.

But then the thought occurred to me...

it's a perfect cover for us.

See,

you keep dating, uh... what's his name?

Wes.

Wes. It's more sexy and European if you do.

And if he thinks that Chanel and I are together,

then there's no way he'll suspect

that the two of us are having something on the side, see?

So... what do I get out of it?

What do you...?

Are you seriously asking me that question?

I think it's pretty obvious, don't you?

Double the pounding.

- Exactly. - Hmm.

Double the pounding.

Twice the amount of ruggedly-handsome men

of a certain age just dying for a taste.

Doesn't that sound tempting?

And, uh... Aah! What's his name again?

Wes. Wes.

Wes must be pushing 50 by now, right?

And I guarantee

there's gonna be a night or two, try as he might,

- Hmm. - that he just can't perform.

And that's just when you might get an emergency call saying

"We need you at the office, Dean Munsch, right away."

Yeah.

All right.

I think I'm getting one of those calls.

It's coming in right about now.

Texting, no texting, no texting

No te-te-te-te-te-te-texting

Hey, eh, oh, ignore the girl, ignore the girl

Ignore the girl, ignore the girl.

Right. Come on, baby. You got this.

Hour and a half. Just easy.

You can do this. Chamberlain, you can do this!

It's nothing. Be strong. Baby, be strong.

And he's at the free throw line.

Bong. Here we go. He's hot, lady.

Kobe!

Hey!

Shaq.

Oh.

Ew.

Ugh, chainsaw...?

What? No...

Hey, Mr. Gardner.

I'm Chamberlain. I work at the hospital.

Hey, I was doing some dance cardio,

trying to get back into shape post-surgery.

Yeah, great thinking. Hey, do you mind if I come in?

I got to talk to you about something.

Yeah, come on in.

- Hey, do you want a juice, huh? - Nah.

Have a ketchup sandwich or something?

I don't drink juice. Hey, I got a question.

Um, I was going, you know, gathering all the medical waste

to dump into the swamp, and I found some really weird stuff

in your giant-ass hairball.

Like suspicious stuff.

Hey, have any of the Chanels or Zayday told you anything

about my daughter Grace?

Well, they just said she was really nice,

and she always thought she was right.

Oh, and Chanel said that her hair was freakishly big,

like, you know, the dude from Nightmare Before Christmas.

Or like one of those Macy Day parade floats.

I figured she was exaggerating.

She's a ray of sunshine is what she is.

Too sweet for this world.

But she was... she was on her way to doing something great,

like working for Elizabeth Warren or being a,

an adorable, yet completely not ironic hat model.

Hmm.

Until the Chanels came along.

You know, she seemed... she seemed fine, you know,

with all the craziness that was going on

at Wallace University, the,

the hazings and all the murders.

And she was just covering.

It got to her deeply.

Yeah, that's when the signs of the trauma started to show,

and she stopped sharing all the boring details

of her life with me.

During that Katy Perry, Taylor Swift feud,

she sided with Katy.

No. Yeah.

And no matter how many hats I bought her,

no matter how cute and whimsical they were,

she refused to wear any.

She was not the same person. She was changed.

All because of those Chanels.

So is that why you start eating hair?

Is that her hair in there with your hair?

Listen,

when I heard that Dean Munsch was starting that hospital,

and all the Chanels were gonna be working there, I thought,

that doesn't seem fair.

Not when my daughter was locked up in a mental institution,

because of what they did to her.

Wait. Hold up, I thought you said she went to Stanford.

Stanford Mental Asylum.

You have to score in the 99th percentile

in your SATs just to get in.

- Yeah, I know about that. - Yeah.

I couldn't allow them to get away with it.

How come... how come they get to become doctors

when my little Grace gets locked up?

And then once that Green Meanie started killing people,

I thought, "Well,

"what better way to get to them without anyone suspecting me?

"I could take the Chanels out, and everyone

would just suspect the other Green Meanie."

So why did you start eating all that hair?

I went to the hair salon

and paid them for the droppings on the floor.

And then I went home... and I pounded them.

I had to get pretty drunk in order to do that,

so, clearly, I accidentally ate a bunch of other stuff

that was just laying around the table.

Why, dude?

Because now I'm in.

Now I can move in and out of the hospital freely.

Which means that I can finally get my revenge on the Chanels.

Now, unfortunately,

now that you have heard all of this,

I can't let you leave.

Actually, I got to make a phone call.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I'm just kidding, man.

That was pretty good, though, wasn't it?

Yeah, that was...

Come here, man. Let's get a hug.

There.

Oh. Shh.

Shh...

I'm at Jane Hollis' house! Come quickly!

We were right. She is the mother of the killer.

Call me back.

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