Original subtitles

Previously on Scream Queens...

Someone is targeting the patients

- at the C.U.R.E. Institute. - You know who the killer is, don't you?

I want a transfer to your hospital.

DENISE: I pulled a few strings

and had you transferred,

on the condition that you cooperate

with our investigation.

CHANEL: I'm getting married!

BROCK: I don't think you know who I am

or what I'm capable of, Chad.

The things I've done, the things I'm willing to do.

The next body I touch with these hands will be Chanel's.

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SOBS)

Chad Radwell's dead!

Chad Radwell's dead!

We know. We were all there.

I mean, he just died like five minutes ago.

How you already dressed up like Jackie Kennedy?

In my grief, I ran across the street

and put on my old Halloween costume.

Well, our theory that the killer was

the 1986 mother or her unborn son

is out the window.

We thought that they were seeking revenge

against this institution

by murdering its patients, but, of course,

- Chad Radwell wasn't a patient. - No.

Look, I'm just gonna be the first one to say it...

we have another murder to cover up, and, you know,

if the press gets wind of this, there'll be a media firestorm.

And I just... I don't think I could survive that

in my current state.

Where'd you go just then?

You got real ominous for no reason.

And what exactly is your "current state?"

My state of concern

that the hospital will be shut down

before we've even cured our first patient.

And that would be bad,

because you are curing patients.

They just keep getting killed, like, right after.

(CHANEL WAILING)

You guys! Chad is dead!

He's dead!

We can all see that, okay?

He fell through the rafters in the middle of your wedding.

Now can we please just stop screaming?

Excuse me?

How I choose to grieve the passing

of my rich, hot, dead fianc?

is entirely up to me.

I'm just saying... we're all super upset.

Are you?

Are you upset, Number Five?

Because as far as I can tell,

I am the only one here

showing even a modicum of anguish.

I mean, did anyone else here think

to change into a costume with a subtle

Jackie Kennedy leitmotif

to show that the passing of Chad Radwell

is a major event in our nation's history?

No.

Is anyone else so bereaved

that they've lost control of their bladder,

and they've started relieving themselves

in the potted plants

in the hallway? No!

In fact, is anyone here

raging at the heavens by peeing in places

you're not supposed to pee?

No!

So quit making this about you, Number Five,

because this is about me!

(SHRIEKING, SOBBING)

DENISE: All right, that is it.

Get her out of here.

Today is my day! Chanel Oberlin,

bereaved fianc?e of dead Chad Radwell.

DENISE: that goes for all of you.

I'm gonna need this room to myself.

We are going to follow FBI protocol to the letter

on this one, ladies and gentlemen.

And that means I need to examine the body alone.

Ebony, Ivory, get out of here!

Shoo, fly, shoo. Git, git, git!

Get to steppin'!

(DOOR SHUTS) I lied.

This ain't FBI protocol.

In fact, it's against FBI protocol

and everything I learned at Quantico,

and from watching the TV show Quantico.

I just... mm...

wanted to be alone with my sweet boo.

And now I'm real curious

about certain parts of your body

and its relative hardness,

now that this rigor mortis done kicked in.

Oh, damn.

Chad Radwell, my on-again, off-again lover,

Halloween is in two days.

And that was always our special night.

That's when our role-playing sessions

got particularly steamy.

DENISE: Remember that time we acted out the plot

of Brokeback Mountain?

Howdy, I'm Jack. Jack Twist.

I'm Ennis. Ennis Del Mar.

And I am a gay cowboy.

Whoa! But I ain't queer.

I ain't queer either.

- Well, okay. - Okay.

- Well, okay. - Well, okay.

- (MOANING) - Okay.

- Okay... - Oh...

Oh!

Oh, no.

I can't quit you!

Don't quit me!

Chad Radwell, I promise to honor your death

by dressing up on Halloween

as Mrs. Chad Radwell,

and finding out who killed you.

And if I die trying,

I will meet you up in heaven, baby boy,

at one of them no-tell motels.

And you'll do whatever you want

with all of this.

(SOFTLY): Oh... my baby.

(CRYING): Oh...

Oh, God, help me.

(SOBBING)

I don't understand. You just asked the FBI

if you could transfer Hester

to my hospital, and they just said yes?

Actually, they texted me a "thumbs up" emoji.

I mean, the whole thing took place over WhatsApp,

so it only took, like, ten seconds.

Why, hello, Dean Munsch.

Agent Hemphill.

You appear to be wearing a wedding gown this Halloween.

I am dressed as Mrs. Chad Radwell,

because my on-again, off-again sometimes-sexy

role-playing lover was murdered last night!

But you already knew that.

MUNSCH: No one can know the truth,

or they will shut this facility down.

MUNSCH: The killer isn't just

killing patients anymore. Why?

Why has the pattern been broken?

(SIGHS)

Who can say?

What I do know...

is that Halloween night is upon us,

and massacres tend to happen

in this hospital on Halloween night.

I hope you two are prepared,

'cause I have a feeling

that this year... is gonna be a doozy.

What do you suggest we do?

You know the killer is someone in your ranks.

Throw a Halloween party for your hospital staff.

They're the bait.

They'll draw the killer out,

and you can catch him yourselves.

Let me out just for one night

so I can go to the party.

What? Hell no.

No, we're not gonna do that.

But I'll help you solve the case.

You already did help us. That was a good idea

about throwing that party.

But I want to go to the party.

How about this?

You tell us who the killer is,

and then we'll let your crazy ass go to the party.

How 'bout I go to the party,

and not tell you who the killer is?

Why would we do that?

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

Dr. Cathy Munsch.

You're not gonna believe this.

All right, now that we're all here, let's begin.

CHANEL: Hold on. How can we read

my beloved Chad's will

without his awful family here?

I'm sorry, I thought you'd been informed.

When the Radwells heard about Chad's

impending nuptials to you, Chanel,

they all loaded into one of the family 747s

and rushed here to try to stop it.

Unfortunately, on approach, the plane crashed,

- killing all on board. - (LAUGHS)

Oh, my God, that's horrible.

The entire family fortune

was passed to Chad, so when he died,

a short while after,

his will became the legal document

that determined where all the Radwell money goes.

Exactly how much money is all the Radwell money?

I mean, are we talking George Clooney E.R. money,

or George Clooney first dollar gross

on Ocean's 11,

and owner of Casamigos Tequila money?

Do not answer that question.

You can steal my man, with your ample booty

and admittedly beautiful weave,

but I will not allow you to take the money

he obviously left for me so I can be rich enough

for everyone to like me again.

I'm his wife, after all.

Technically speaking, you aren't.

He died before you got married.

The love of my life is dead.

Chanel-O-Ween is ruined again!

I have no money,

my friends are awful,

and I work in this stupid hospital.

I am sad.

And where I come from, a sad and skinny

20-something's feelings are more important

than some silly little legal document.

Can we just move this along?

- Yes. - Thank you.

"I, Chad Radwell,

"being of sound mind and bitchin' body,

"do hereby leave all of my Benjamins,

"the majority of which was made decades ago

"by my great-great-grandfather, Mercury Radwell,

"through graft, corruption, and bribery,

"and on the broken backs of non-union labor,

"to... (GASPS)

"Dean Munsch and the C.U.R.E. Institute

for reasons that are well-known to her."

Say what now?

MITCH: That's what it says.

He called and asked to have it changed

the day he died.

He never explained why.

Well, clearly he just wanted his last act

to be one of generosity and kindness.

To make up for all the awful things he did

while he was alive.

And I, for one,

am not gonna let Chad down.

So on behalf of all of the poor souls

who will have a chance to be cured,

you know, as well as the obviously gaudy

pink mansion I'm gonna purchase in Palm Beach

with my new, grossly inappropriate salary,

I accept.

Chanel...

are you okay?

I think everyone should leave now.

(SLOW, DRAWN-OUT SCREAM)

(SLOWED GROAN)

(GRUNTING, SNARLING)

...terrible, I am so...

so sorry. No...

This whole thing stinks worse

than Number Five's lululemons after a two-hour Pilates class

and Dean Munsch, you're the crotch.

DENISE: Do you want to press charges against

this crazy ho, who still seems to think that Chad Radwell

liked her better than me?

Even though he told me on numerous occasions

that having sex with you was like banging

a disinterested piece of plywood.

I will gladly arrest her ass.

No. No, it's not her fault. The poor girl is grieving.

We need to give her the space

to process her loss... her way.

- (TYPEWRITER CLICKING) - _

_

_

_

It's all about you... CHANEL: I used to love Halloween.

But now I'm poor, have to have a job.

My fianc? got murdered.

I find myself

in rather a dark place. (SNARLS)

So, instead of using my ugly cow fans

as pawns in a cynical ploy

to bolster my popularity on social media,

by making it seem like I actually like them,

I am gonna use this Chanel-O-Ween

to send my throngs of homely, rural well-wishers

gifts that are so shocking and vile,

there's no way they'll miss the fact

that I actively hate them and spend every day of my life

trying to avoid becoming... just like them.

This Chanel-O-Ween, I've looted the morgue

and everyone at the hospital's biohazard bins

for presents for my disgusting hippo fans.

You're welcome.

(SQUEALS, LAUGHS)

GIRL: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God. - (GASPS)

It's Chanel-O-Ween!

It's all about you... Oh, my God! (LAUGHS)

GIRL: Her hand...

wrote my name!

"Barbara..."

- (SCREAMS) -"... I hope this bag

"of rancid lipo fat

"can be used as lamp oil to brighten up

the disgusting hovel you've chosen to live in."

(SOBBING): "You are a shining example of why

euthanasia should be made legal.

Medicinal maggots!

This box is just filled with pus!

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

Chanel sent me a bag of diseased whore hearts!

SHANTELLE: "Shantelle, you're everything I hate

"about everything.

Happy Chanel-O-Ween! Chanel."

(SCREAMING, LAUGHING)

There's this dumb bitch named Susan

who I visited two years ago.

She thinks I find her story inspiring, so...

I guess we're just gonna have to go visit her in person

to tell her how I really feel.

- (GASPS) - (SQUEALS)

Look! I got you this box of exploding corpse bile.

(GASPS)

You know I loathe you, right?

It's all about you... BARBARA: Chanel, thank you

so much for putting me in my place!

GIRL: You are right Chanel.

I am garbage.

I love you so much. (SOBS)

You are star bright. BROCK: I think you have a viral infection.

You know, high-stress situations can cause

our immune system to lose its potency

and make us susceptible to all kinds of nasty things.

I am feeling pretty bad about losing my Chaddy.

But I think my biggest stress

is that, for the second time in my life,

a crazed serial killer has chosen

to target me and my friends.

And because of that, another Halloween is kind of ruined.

I mean, why, Brock? Why do bad things happen to good people?

Chanel, I'm a surgeon. We don't do good or bad.

We do "can it be fixed, or can't it?"

I think the only thing that's gonna make you feel better

is we find that killer and make sure they don't kill again.

That's what we have to do.

Wow.

- I'm, like, totally damp right now. - Mm.

So do you have any idea who that killer might be?

Well, in my experience, it's usually more than one,

with a single brilliant ringleader pulling the strings.

Hmm.

You have to be a pretty smart cookie

to pull all those strings and get away with it, huh?

Ivy League smart.

(CHUCKLES)

You should know that my self-esteem is just low enough

for a conversation where we are covertly intimating that you are

a crazed killer... it's kind of turning me on.

Well, girls do love the bad boys.

Here's a solution of colloidal silver.

It'll clear that rash right up.

Silver? Uh, what about bacitracin or something?

Just take it before you go to bed,

get a good night sleep, and in the morning,

you'll be back to your old self.

(ALARM CLOCK BEEPING)

(BEEPING STOPS)

(SIGHS)

(KNOB CREAKS)

(SCREAMS)

CHANEL #3: Oh, my God.

- How did you do that? - (INHALES) I don't...

I don't know. I mean, I just drank that stuff that Dr. Brock

gave me before bed and I woke up and I looked like...

like this! I mean, just kill me, kill me now!

It's actually kind of awesome. Did you know

that Elizabeth I imposed sumptuary laws that said

only people with royal blood could wear blue?

I am not wearing blue, Rhino Boob, I am blue!

The Egyptians considered it to be the color of divinity.

I'm sorry. Did this crappy dorm turn into a Doctor Who TARDIS

while I was asleep and transport us all back to Ancient Egypt?

Are there slaves in the kitchen making me

my poached eggs this morning, Chanel #3?

Are we gonna worship every cat we see today?

No?

Then I would love to know

how a society that died out over a hundred years ago

is relevant to the fact that I am the color of an icy pop!

I mean, this is totally gonna ruin

- the staff Halloween party for me! - Wait.

This is perfect!

What?

Now you don't have to worry about a costume.

You can go as a blueberry!

Or...

a Smurfette.

Or a super bummed-out mood ring.

Get out!

Get out. Get out!

Get out! Get out!

(SOBS)

("RHYTHM OF THE NIGHT" PLAYING OVER RADIO)

(MOCK SNARLING)

(CHUCKLES)

You'll be doing fine once the music starts

Oh, feel the beat of the rhythm of the night

Dance until the morning light

Forget about the worries on your mind

You can leave them all behind

Feel the beat of the rhythm of the night

Oh, the rhythm of the night (CRASH IN DISTANCE)

(GASPS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(GASPS)

(GRUNTS)

I beat the Red Devil,

and that was before my FBI training.

You think I'm scared of a giant booger?

And I know who you are underneath that mask.

(GRUNTS)

(YELLS)

(GRUNTS)

Come on! (GRUNTING)

To hell with this.

I'm not playing around.

It's time...

for you to die.

(GUN CLICKING EMPTY)

(PANTING)

HESTER: Agent Hemphill, I presume?

Special Agent.

And you got yourself a deal.

I texted my higher-ups at Quantico,

and they agreed to release you tonight, for 24 hours,

when Halloween officially begins.

- You will wear this anklet. - (BEEPS)

That way, they'll know if you leave the hospital grounds.

Now, at the stroke of midnight,

after I've had a few cocktails, danced a little bit,

and made out with a couple guys,

you will tell us

who the killer is.

You will not tell anybody

about this arrangement, because if you do,

you will be sent back to the asylum like that.

You will wear this costume,

and you will keep

this mask on at all times.

- Is this a Jason costume? - Yes, it is.

With you in this costume, it'll be easy to keep a eye on you,

'cause nobody wants to be Jason on Halloween.

Yes, they do. It's, like, the most

popular costume of all time.

Nuh-uh! Maybe on Friday the 13th.

If anything, people want to go as Michael Myers.

I've never seen Halloween.

Me neither. But I know

Mike Myers played the bad guy.

It was, like, the movie he did right after Wayne's World.

Anyway, here's the axe to go with your costume.

And remember:

I gots my eye on you.

CHANEL: Chanel-O-Ween is supposed to be

the most magical night of the year.

But this Chanel-O-Ween, my life is in tatters.

First, I find out that whore Dean Munsch

has inherited the entire Radwell fortune.

Then, I see that dumb security guard wearing my wedding gown.

And then, I turn blue.

CHANEL: There you are,

you bitch.

I know you're in on it.

You had Chad murdered

because you couldn't stand the fact

that he was gonna marry me.

And here you are, in my wedding gown.

I mean, you may as well have just signed a confession.

First of all...

I look amazing.

And I'll admit, I was surprised when I tried it on

and it fit like a glove.

'Cause, you know, we got different body types.

My body type is...

"woman."

And yours is...

"malnourished Victorian paperboy."

And second,

Chad Radwell was never gonna marry you.

In fact, just a few weeks ago,

during our American Beauty role-playing session,

he said, and I quote...

Run away with me, Angela.

I've been living a lie.

I don't love her anymore.

I only love you.

Oh, Lester.

You given me the vapors.

Ah...

It's a good thing this tub is filled up with rose petals,

'cause that way you can't smell my toots.

Kiss me.

CHANEL: He just said that

because it's the plot of the film!

Is it?

'Cause I don't remember nobody

in that movie saying they had the vapors.

Just admit it, you murdered Chad Radwell!

Shh! You stupid ho!

I ain't murdered nobody!

If anybody is behind my sweet boo getting murdered,

it's that Dean Munsch.

She was the one that inherited the Radwell family fortune.

And she probably had help

from that "Shay-day" Zayday Williams.

It's time to enlist the help of an old friend

- who always tells the truth. - Who?

My old talking board, that's who.

We're gonna talk to Chad from beyond the grave,

and ask him who he loved more

and find out once and for all who murdered him.

Mm, there is nobody

who loves trafficking the dark arts

like this top FBI recruit from Quantico, Virginia.

Bitch, I'm in.

(SCOFFS)

Chanel, I've been looking all over for you.

I mean, not literally, but in my mind, I was looking for...

Oh, my God, it's true.

Uh, that you poisoned me with a bottle

of nickels and dimes minted before 1964?

Yes, it's true.

This doesn't make any sense.

The amount of silver that I put in the solution

was tiny... micrograms.

This shouldn't be happening.

I have a feeling that someone tampered with my mixture.

Oh, who would do that?

I need the cure!

Well, there is no cure for Argyria.

What?!

Well...

But in the spirit of this hospital, gosh darn it,

I'm gonna find one.

Of course, the next few days, I'm booked.

I mean, we do have the party and all,

and I, and I scheduled an appointment for laser treatment.

- (WHISPERS): Ear hair removal. - Mm.

And I've got to get to the dry cleaners.

But after I get all that done,

I promise I'm gonna come up with a miracle cure.

Dean Munsch,

I demand that you have Dr. Brock arrested immediately.

On what charge?

For assaulting me with silver!

And... probably being in cahoots with Denise Hemphill

in murdering Chad and a whole bunch of other people

with his serial killer hand!

MUNSCH: Chanel, look,

I know you are feeling a tad blue

right now,

but Dr. Brock Holt did not murder Chad.

He has an airtight alibi.

He does?

That's wonderful.

I mean, I didn't want to believe

that it was true, but after the silver

and I knew you were jealous of Chad,

I just... oh, I didn't know what else to think.

Forgive me?

You know, he and I

were having a little of the jiffy stiffy

in my office, right before the wedding,

right when Chad was being killed.

What?!

Well, see, I was distraught, and I, and I,

and I needed comfort, and-and Dean Munsch was there.

Do you always keep a wig and a corset in your office?

- Mm-hmm. - I don't understand

how all these middle-aged women keep stealing my men.

Perhaps it's because you insist on Snapchatting during sex.

That was one time!

You know what?

I am done.

I am done with medicine, I'm done with this hospital,

and I am done with all of you.

I'm leaving.

Oh, no, no, no, you cannot leave

until the Halloween party.

Because we need a lot of bait here to lure the killer in.

- Then take in some more patients. - I don't know much

about running a hospital, but I do know if we bring in

patients just so we can get them killed...

Yeah, no, no, no, we're not bringing in

new patients until the killer is caught.

Look, Chanel, I'm sure

once you develop personally, professionally

and physically, you'll have no trouble keeping a man.

This is the place to do that.

Stay.

No. Never!

Catch the killer without me, because I am out!

Ivanka Trump?

That costume is insane.

Who is that... Number Three?

What are you doing here?

There's no patients in this wing.

I'm serious.

Who are you?

Okay, this is just creepy, so I'm gonna, I'm gonna go.

(SCREAMS)

(GASPING)

(HIGH-PITCHED SCRAPING)

(SCREAMS)

(GASPS)

(SCREAMING)

Help, somebody!

Ivanka Trump is trying to kill me!

Ow!

(SHRIEKS)

And then I took my heel and threw it right at her face

and just ran as fast as I could.

I mean, I don't know why she didn't follow me.

CHANEL #5: Well, Chanel, you are safe now.

But that does sound terrifying.

Hold on, back it up a second, Chanel.

What was the mask the killer was wearing?

Ivanka?

Ivanka Trump! (GASPS)

What is it?

Why are you guys looking at Chanel #5?

CHANEL #3: Because earlier,

we helped her with her Ivanka Trump costume.

It's hanging in her closet.

Okay, let's hold on one sec.

I have been here all day!

Except for when you made that phone call.

I was FaceTiming with somebody.

Liar! No one wants to look at your face.

Where's the costume, Number Five?

(GASPS)

I have no idea, Chanel!

Somebody must've taken it!

You lying, murdering bitch!

Of course you're the killer.

What are you even talking about?

I was attacked, too.

Allegedly.

Yeah, nobody saw it happen.

CHANEL: You could've easily faked the attack

and left a trail of green slime behind to throw everyone off.

I mean, sure, you seemed upset,

but you're barely holding it together on a good day.

CHANEL 3: Yeah.

You had a full-on panic attack that time we caught you

eating spoonfuls of mayonnaise straight from the jar.

It is so unfair of you to try to kill me, Number Five!

I am telling you, I didn't do it!

Oh, stick a hot dog in it, you manatee.

You and I are officially not friends anymore.

Did you know that I wanted to go as Ivanka Trump this year?

Hmm? Yeah.

She is an inspiration to us all.

She's like the Chelsea Clinton

from a parallel universe if Hitler won the second World War!

Okay, Chanel, I am telling you, I didn't try to kill you!

And don't even think of coming to the Halloween party later.

You can't uninvite me.

This party is for all of the hospital staff.

And I will be there.

Come hell or high water!

If you show up to that party...

we'll kill you.

(ROBBIE NEVIL'S "C'EST LA VIE" PLAYING)

C'est la vie

C'est la vie

That's just the way it goes

That's right

Oh, yeah

C'est la vie, c'est la vie

- That's just the way it goes - That's right

Oh, mmm

Baby's gone all alone... All right!

Now, remember, we are not here to have fun.

We're here to draw the killer out.

So, Chanels, feel free to wander off alone.

This is the worst Halloween party I ever been to.

Man, look at these costumes.

Brock, what the hell you supposed to be?

I'm the script of Batman v Superman.

You look like a bloody mess.

(WHISPERS): Exactly.

I'm sure I'm not the only one

deeply offended by Zayday's ISIS costume.

I told you, I'm Isis, goddess of Ancient Egypt.

It's a totally different Isis.

I'm death.

I thought it would be a good idea

to get comfortable being really close to it.

Maybe even find a way to love it.

Well, I got to give you props, Chanel.

Actually turning your skin blue for your costume?

That's a real commitment.

I respect it.

Dean Crunch and Munsch,

what you supposed to be... George Washington?

Hamilton.

Hamilton, you know, the Broadway, huge hit musical,

Hamilton?

I don't know it.

It totally reinvented musical theater.

- Right? - (CHANEL GASPS)

It's that murderous traitor, Chanel 5!

Somebody keep her away from me!

ZAYDAY: We told you to stay home, Number Five.

It's for your own good.

CHANEL 5: It's not fair

that just because someone attacked Chanel

and I have a tendency to be a little unstable,

I don't get to come to the party.

Who the hell you supposed to be?

Ivanka Trump.

The Donald's first wife?

No, dear, Donald's first wife was Ivana Trump.

Ivanka is his daughter.

- The one he wants to... - CHANEL #5: What?

I thought that Ivana and Ivanka were the same person!

I mean, who names their kid after their wife,

- and just adds a random letter? - Girl, bye.

(GASPS) Ow!

Wait, so if she's Ivana Trump,

then who's that dressed as Ivanka?

(CHANEL GASPS)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(PEOPLE GROANING, COUGHING)

We have patients.

(PATIENTS CLAMORING)

We were all at a Halloween party! Help us!

Ah, bees! Oh, so many bees!

Chamberlain, get control of Chewbacca, man!

I'm trying; these Wookiees are powerful!

I just don't understand why everyone's acting so crazy!

Why don't you get some IVs.

And someone please help Lin-Manuel Miranda

before he swallows his tongue.

What the hell is going on?

We don't know yet. We've got a dozen new patients,

all presenting with symptoms of severe psychosis.

(WOMAN RETCHING)

And vomiting.

So, they were all bobbing for apples and...

I wasn't, but they all were.

What the hell happened?

I just grabbed one to use as a prop

for my Snow White costume,

and then I noticed everybody started totally

- freaking out. - Saint Anthony's Fire.

I love that movie.

No, it's not a movie.

It's what they called ergot poisoning

in the Middle Ages.

Ergot was a fungus that grew on crops.

If ingested, it would cause hallucinations, seizures,

diarrhea, vomiting, nausea...

That's it. Ergot was on these apples.

That's why everybody is sick.

Zayday, I need a dozen saline drips

with a 200 microgram infusion of sodium nitroprusside.

Sodium nitroprusside?!

Yes. It's a vasodilator.

Yes, I know.

I also know that it gets metabolized into cyanide,

which can be extremely toxic.

We're talking acidosis, ischemia injury,

Bell's palsy, Erb's palsy,

basically any kind of palsy.

This is not a discussion.

If we don't start helping these people right away,

they're gonna lose limbs to gangrene.

Okay, what happened?

It's ergot poisoning from bobbing for tainted apples.

I don't agree with Dr. Holt's assessment.

- You don't agree with my assessment? - It might be ergot poisoning,

but if we're wrong, these folks can end up

with all manner of palsy.

Please, just give me 15 minutes to talk to everybody and find out...

You have ten.

- Five. - Ten!

I need all hands on deck!

Where is Chanel?!

Chad Radwell.

It's Chanel Oberlin

and Special Agent Denise Hemphill, FBI,

and we summon you from beyond the grave!

(GASPS) It's moving.

Are you moving it?

- Hell no! Are you? - No!

Wait, let's ask him a question

to make sure it's him and not that

gaslighting bitch Chanel 2,

who's currently getting motorboated in hell

by Genghis Khan.

Okay, um...

Chad, who did you love more?

Me...

or Chanel?

(DENISE SHOUTS)

(LAUGHS) He's spelling "Denise."

- I knew it. - Okay, hold on.

I'm gonna ask him a question you couldn't know the answer to.

Chad...

it's Chanel.

What is the name of your goat

that you secretly keep in your house and milk

because you're lactose intolerant?

Say what now?

"R"... "A"... "M."

Rammy! He's spelling "Rammy."

That's the name of his goat.

It's him!

CHAD: Hello, Chanel. (SCREAMS)

Oh, speaking of, do you mind killing for me?

Wait, what?! Kill who?

Rammy.

News flash, you know, I'm super dead.

I really miss that little guy.

(CHAD'S VOICE): So, if you wouldn't mind distracting him

with that little tin can he likes to chew on, and just...

- (IMITATES CUTTING) - I'd really appreciate it.

I mean, I just told Jesus all about Rammy

and I know he really wants to meet him.

Oh, Chad.

You're in heaven?

Yeah, of course I'm in heaven.

You know why? 'Cause I'm awesome.

By the way,

Jesus and I are buds.

Golfing buds.

Still buds.

Great golfer, by the way. Also, good-looking dude.

Wait... how is this happening?

Uh, I don't know.

You tell me. You got the talking board.

(CHAD'S VOICE): It's probably a ghost situation.

I think I'm pulling a Swayze and I'm momentarily

inhabiting Denise Hemphill's

(SINGING): body...

Yeah.

Don't get any ideas

'cause we can't bone 'cause, obviously,

Denise doesn't have a wang.

Okay, Chad, I need to ask you something.

Who did you love more? Me or Denise?

- Denise. - What?!

Yeah. Definitely Denise, hands down.

I mean, you're obviously, like, way richer,

which is great,

but Denise... that girl is fun.

That chick knows what she's doing.

I mean, the first time we made love,

ten back-to-back orgasms.

Okay, we can stop talking about this now.

No, I'll talk about it all night.

I'll talk about how smoking hot Denise Hemphill is all the time.

Okay, Chad, you need to tell us.

Who killed you?

Oh, my God, I am so happy you asked that,

'cause when I found out I was, like, P. O.'d.

I was like... you're gonna be, too.

Just wait... the person who killed me is...

wait for it...

I mean, just hold on,

'cause it's a real doozy. All right, ready?

Uh, like, seriously, I want you to guess right now.

You're gonna be like, "What?!

I wouldn't have guessed that in a million years."

Okay, Chad, just say it!

Fine. The person who killed me

is...

Chanel! Denise! Come on.

Damn it!

(NORMAL VOICE): Ooh, what the hell just happened?

I was just talking to Chad through your possessed body.

He was gonna tell us who the killer is!

Come on, whatever! It's an emergency.

(GRUNTS)

Ooh.

Y'all slow down. I got a headache.

Oh! Damn it!

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Hello?

(GASPS)

Who is that?

Chanel?

Okay.

Well... first of all,

I think that Ivanka Trump is such a better costume

than Smurfette.

I mean, they're sort of similar in the sense

that they're both token women who are used as pawns

and live in a fantasy world.

Smurfette is so '80s,

whereas Ivanka Trump is so of the moment, you know?

I mean, she could literally be appointed

minister of propaganda any second now.

(GASPS)

Oh, come on, Chanel.

Are you seriously going to kill me over a Halloween costume

when we have an E. R. full of Lin-Manuel Mirandas

and they're all tripping balls?

This is all...

much ado about nothing.

You are Ivanka.

I am Ivana.

You get to be the sexy young face

of a psychopathic, ultra right-wing,

authoritarian regime bent on destroying everything

that's good about this country,

and I... am the old, hag mother,

tossed aside for a fresh piece of ass,

just like so much human garbage.

Thank you.

Can you please help me

with these I. V. bags?

They are surprisingly heavy and I'm pitting out...

like...

a hospital full of terrified partygoers

who might end up dying.

This is the best Halloween ever.

(GASPING)

(COUGHS)

(COUGHING)

(COUGHS)

So, Miss Thing, let me get this straight.

You ate a apple, but you didn't bob for apples.

Is that right?

That's right. I thought an apple would go great

with my Snow White costume, so I grabbed one.

And then it looked really good, so I ate it.

And you didn't start hallucinating?

That means it can't be ergot poisoning;

otherwise, she would be sick, too.

I did notice one thing.

Strut, pout, put it out... SNOW WHITE: At one point, a really tall guy

in a slimy, green swamp costume came in

and changed out the water.

Strut, pout, put it out

All talkin' and no givin'

Watch me, baby

While I walk out the door. You should've said that from the beginning.

But... bobbing for apples can't be that sanitary, so...

whoever did that, that was super nice of them.

It wasn't the apples that were poisoned.

It was the water.

Okay, so the apples are fine, just like you said,

but... the water tested positive for dimethyltryptamine, DMT.

What the hell is DMT?

They call it "the spirit molecule."

It's the active ingredient

in a hallucinogenic drug called ayahuasca.

I mean, the dosage

was insane, but provided no one died

of a heart attack for getting the bejeebus scared out of them,

and we keep them hydrated, they should be able

to recover in a few hours with no long-term effects.

Ayahuasca's a serious drug, but rarely fatal.

Well, that's good news.

I'm going to go inform some of their families.

Mm.

Oh, Zayday...

you're gonna make an excellent physician.

Not much of a serial killer, that Green Meanie, is he?

What do you mean?

Trying to kill a party full of people

with a drug that isn't lethal.

Sounds pretty stupid to me.

Maybe he didn't want to kill them.

Maybe he wanted a distraction.

CHANEL 5: Help!

(COUGHING, GASPING)

Good Lord!

Hold on, Number Five.

We gonna get you to a hospital.

Well, I mean, I know we in a hospital,

but we gonna get you

to the right part of this hospital.

Not the spooky, deserted storage area of this hospital.

He's here.

What?

The Green Meanie.

(GASPING)

I dare you.

You tried to kill me with punch?!

Now I'm-a shoot you

for ruining my Khaleesi costume,

you son of a bitch!

Just as soon as I get my gun.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) Oh!

You didn't need to do that.

- My heart is fine! - (GASPS)

(PANTING): Okay...

that was a lot of electricity.

No, no, no, no.

Seriously, the Hemphills

don't have a history of heart trouble.

- (SCREAMS) - CHANEL 5: Denise.

No... Denise.

(GASPING)

(CRYING): Denise, no.

Please, no.

Help.

Help!

Denise. Denise.

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