All language subtitles for Scream Queens s01e12 kus.eng

- Previously on Scream Queens...
- (screaming)

MUNSCH: The assault on your
predecessor, Melanie Dorkus...

I think you did it.

CHANEL: These morons need
someone to tear them a new one.

I am going to write the
missive to end all missives.

- Pete...
- I can't!

I don't want your first
time to be with a murderer.

Wait.

You're the Red Devil killer?

No. Well, yes.

W-Well, no, but sort of.
Grace, you can't leave.

Not until I'm done
telling you everything.

Okay? I love you. I would
never, ever hurt you.

I promise you're safe.
That was part of the deal.

You could never be touched.

Deal?

(car horn honks)

(Shondell screams)

The night the security guard
was killed outside of Kappa,

I was there, doing my job... snooping.

I risked my life.

I followed the Red Devil

right to the Dickie
Dollar Scholars House.

(panting)

I followed him inside,

saw him taking off his costume.

It was Boone.

That was weeks ago.

Wh-Why didn't you turn him in?

How many lives could you have saved?

I was... I was totally
going to, I swear.

But then he started talking to me.

He laid the whole thing out...

Why he was doing what he was doing,

how Kappa had to be stopped,
how they killed his mother,

how they were humanity at their
worst, how Kappa had to pay.

And then I realized his mission
and our mission were the same.

Our mission never
involved killing anyone.

Oh, really?

How was that apple cider you
gave Dean Munsch, Grace?

Don't be mad at Boone or me
for realizing before you did

that the only way to really,
really bring Chanel

and her type down was
bringing them all the way

down to the ground, under the ground.

Everybody thinks the Red Devil...

"Ooh, he's the bad guy in all of this."

But, no, he's not the monster.
No, no, no, no, no.

The Kappas. The Chanels.

The dinosaur of a Greek system.

They are the beast.

More than half of students

that join sororities or
fraternities get hazed,

and it's not just wearing
raw chickens on their heads

and calling each other gay slurs
while jumping around naked.

And let's just put aside
the psychological damage

done to each and every one
of them that were just

looking for a place to belong,

and instead spent months
being verbally abused

about being a pound overweight

or not having the right
pair of Air Jordans.

104 deaths, Grace.

104 deaths and counting since 1970.

I mean, how many has the
Red Devil killed, huh?

Eight? Ten, maybe?

(chuckles): I mean, come on.

It's not even a competition.

That beast is going to keep
on feeding on young lives

until someone cuts its
highlight-covered head off.

Oh, and besides,

Boone said there were
other killers, too.

It was a conspiracy.
If I turned him in,

we would have never found
out who they were.

Stop rationalizing it.

You killed people. You are
not allowed to just say,

"Yeah, but I had a super
good reason for it."

Who did you kill?

ROGER: This feels so good.

(kissing gently)

Roger.

(Chanel 5 screams)

(panting)

(Chanel 5 sobbing)

PETE: Or D-Dodger.

I-I don't know. I get
them all mixed up.

Hey, hey, hey! Grace, Grace, no.

Grace. Grace.

(panting)

What, are you gonna kill me now?

No. I would never hurt you.

I just can't let you leave.

Not until I'm done
telling you everything!

(knife clatters on floor)

I really liked you, Pete.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Stop, stop, stop, stop...

No, no, I'm not letting you go
from my life that easily, Grace.

Stop.

Grace. I know that

- if you could just...
- Stop.

...hear what I have to
say, to understand...

Please.

...why I did what I did,
you could still love me.

(sobbing)

That guy, Roger,

was terrible to his
brother, did you know that?

- His whole life.
- (sniffles)

He-he ripped off Dodger's
left nipple in utero.

Don't try to justify it all

after the fact. You were just mad

that the Dickie Dollars
Scholars rejected you.

Of course I was. They're just
as bad as the Kappa girls.

But, Grace, you have to
understand, I had no choice.

No, no, no, no, no!

They showed up one day
thinking that I was

a double agent, that I
couldn't be trusted.

They were going to kill me.

Hey, hey, you can trust
me, you can trust me!

Ask me and I'll do anything.
I'll prove it.

It was Roger or me.

Don't you see that they
did that on purpose?!

They knew that if you
actually killed someone,

you would be their slave!

God! We were the good guys.

We were in this together!

I did this for you.

Don't you understand?

I did this to be one of
the good guys, Grace.

I mean, come on.

You practically told me to.

Don't you remember driving
back from seeing Mandy?

GRACE: The more I hear
about this whole thing,

the more I'm starting to think
the idea that there are good

and bad people in the
world is just something

adults use to get
children to stay in line.

Mm. Well, Nietzsche said,

(imitates Matthew McConaughey):
"You have your way,

"I have my way.

"As for the right way,

"the correct way and the only way,

it does not exist."

Exactly.

I mean, how can you
possibly stop an evil

as old as Kappa House while
you're playing by the rules?

I mean, aren't we being naive?

What are you suggesting?

I don't know.

It's just...

(sighs)

...maybe the Red Devil
has the right idea.

(car horn blaring)

You took me literally?

If you gaze long enough into an abyss,

that abyss will gaze back into you.

That is Nietzsche, too, Grace.

You're quoting Nietzsche? Seriously?

You are already a murderer, Pete,

you don't have to be a douche as well!

This is not a philosophy course.

This is murder... serial murder!

I agree.

Which is why I decided
to make it all stop.

So I killed Boone.

He asked me to come help kill Gigi,

but I knew this was my
chance to finally end this.

Gigi was the planner,

the George Clooney in their
psycho Ocean's Eleven,

but Boone was the muscle.

Without him...

GIGI: No! (Gasps)

(gasping)

...they could never keep
this whole thing going.

But after I did that,

I-I-I-I-I-I... I decided no more.

It was time to stop.

Except for shooting
Chanel with the crossbow

and then that other police guy,
but that was self-defense.

That was you?

Grace.

I had to finish that part of it.

The only way to justify
this whole thing

was if her reign of terror was ended.

(sighs)

You and I never talked about
what she did to me last year.

She led me on for months.

She said she was looking
to experiment sexually

by being with a guy who wasn't
a three-pump chump like Chad.

She wanted to play out her deepest,

darkest fantasies with me.

I was so young and desperate
to be special and loved.

I never had a real girlfriend before.

PETE: Are you sure
this is what you want?

I was vulnerable enough to share
my darkest fetish with you,

and now you're making
me feel self-conscious.

Just come in and take me now.

And don't forget the dialogue.

(grunting wildly)

(chuckles)

(laughs)

You are ridiculously and
laughably gullible.

(laughter)

CHANEL 5: I can't believe

that you actually believed
that Chanel would be turned on

by Daryl Hannah in
Clan of the Cave Bear.

(laughter)

(both grunting wildly)

(laughter, grunting continues)

What self-respecting man wouldn't do

anything to get revenge for
being degraded like that?

Unfortunately, I don't have
great aim with a crossbow

and I can't see anything in that mask.

I don't want to be here anymore.

I feel sick.

This isn't what I wanted.

Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

Okay? Don't judge me for what
we both know had to happen.

Don't you see I did this all for you?

For us?

To give you what you wanted,

to clean up the whole mess
that Chanel made of Kappa.

You know what? Let's
just run away together.

You and me. Forget everything.

Let the other killer
finish what we started.

Don't you see how much I love you?

Don't you see what I'm
willing to do for you?

I hate you, Pete.

You are everything I have
been fighting against.

I never want to see you again.

If you want me to stay,

you're gonna have to kill me.

(door opens)

But if you leave, I won't be able to
tell you who the other killer is.

(sighs)

Spoiler alert:

it's one of your sisters.

Oh, you were right, Grace.

You were right all along.

It was the other baby in the bathtub.

Boone's twin sister.

Well, tell me. Who is it?

Sit down.

(scoffs)

Come on. Just sit down.

I mean, I really should have known.

It wasn't that hard to find out.

I just had to collect DNA
samples from all the Kappas.

CHANEL 5: No! I don't want
to speak to your supervisor!

I want to speak to the
president of Tinder!

Your app is broken!

I've gotten zero swipes on my profile!

Who is the killer?

Who is the other baby in the bathtub?

You're not gonna believe it.

The other baby in the bathtub...

(gasps, groans)

Run.

(yells)

(yells)

(grunting)

(screams)

(grunting)

(crowd booing, clamoring)

CHANEL: I know what you're thinking.

Why is Chanel, the goddess of fashion

and telling it like it is,
being tormented by fatties

with bad haircuts and horrible shoes?

What was the outrage
that was so enormous

it brought students back to campus

despite the fact that a serial
killer is still on the loose?

If you believe it, it's all because

I chose to pen the missive
to end all missives.

Attention all useless Kappa sluts.

Congratulations. If
you're reading this...

"...it means you've
overcome the limitations

"of your tiny manatee brains
and opened an e-mail.

Now, if you're asking yourself..."

"'Derr, wait, I'm confused.
Is Chanel talking to me?

"Am I a useless Kappa slut?'

simply ask yourself the
following question aloud..."

"Is my name Chanel 3, Chanel 5,

Chanel 6 or Zayday Williams?"

"Because if the answer to that is yes,

then felicitations, this
missive is for you."

CHANEL: So, do you all
remember when we agreed

to meet at the campus
pool and kill the dean,

and I got you all awesome new phones,

so that when it came time to meet,

the phone would light up a
certain color, and when it did,

you didn't even have to answer it,

you just had to come meet
at the aforementioned pool?

And then do you remember
not coming to the pool,

despite me making it super easy for you

by concocting a plan so simple

that an orangutan could
have figured it out?

Like, literally, a circus ape
of moderate intelligence

could have looked down at the phone

sticking out of the single pocket

in the front of his comical lederhosen

and seen it light up and
used his short little legs

to waddle over to his tiny,
motorized Shriner's car

and driven to the pool like I asked.

Do you remember any aspect
of this super simple plan?

That's not a rhetorical question.

I'm literally asking if your
tiny slut brains have the power

to process any of my super simple
orangutan-level instructions.

Because what I remember is
that none of you showed up,

which meant I had to sit at
that stupid pool by myself,

like a grade-A ass-hat,

with a bag full of enormous chains

to drown Dean Munsch with and then have

a super awkward convo with
her where I was like,

"Oh, derr, I just like bringing
enormous chains to pools,"

and I looked like a total div.

I don't entirely know what you
whores could have been doing

that was more important than
helping your chapter president

drown a serial killer,
but unless that thing

you were doing was getting
enemas of pure liquid gold

at a new local establishment called

Liquid Gold Colonics for Young Sluts,

like if you were doing
literally anything else,

you all should seriously consider

doing the human race a favor
and getting sterilized.

I'm not being facetious.

I literally think you
should consider undergoing

a surgical procedure to
remove your ovaries,

thereby sparing human race
exposure to your DNA.

You four trollops are the worst
specimens of human beings

ever born, and you all should
really watch your backs,

because if this serial
killer targeting Kappa House

doesn't chop off your
heads, I'm going to do it!

So I can sell your tiny
whore brainpans to science.

Sincerely, Chanel Oberlin.

So, the next day, I went to get

an extra-hot pumpkin spice latte...

...and more news coming
from Wallace University,

where an alleged serial killer
continues to stalk the campus.

And that's when it happened.

...after an insane sorority rant

from Kappa Kappa Tau
president, Chanel Oberlin,

students have returned...

MAN: Is President Obama a total div?

Chanel Oberlin's malicious...

WOMAN: The new face of
hate, Chanel Oberlin...

MAN 2: ...weighs in on
liquid gold colonics...

CHANEL: No, no, no, no, no, no.

MAN 3: Chanel Oberlin is being
labeled Worst Person Alive.

CHANEL: How did this happen?

(crowd booing, clamoring)

I mean, I'm all for public shaming.

I practically invented it.

It's the sign of a healthy culture.

But not when I'm the
one getting shamed.

I wanted to be famous,
but not like this.

Chanel! Chanel! What does it feel like

to be the most hated woman in America?

What about an apology, Chanel?

MAN: Ms. Oberlin, any
comment at this time?

(crowd quiets, cameras
continue snapping)

Yes.

I would like to comment.

To all the so-called mainstream media,

including weird Web sites
that nobody has heard of

who have used my name as clickbait,

and to all the relentless
unwashed hordes on Twitter,

who have taken every opportunity

to mock and attack me mercilessly

from the safety of
their stained futons,

I offer the following
heartfelt sentiment.

You can all suck it!

(crowd booing, clamoring)

(doors creak)

Despite my outward bravado,
I was dead inside.

(doors close)

In my heart, I knew my glamorous
reign of terror was over.

It was going to be difficult,
but I knew what I had to do.

I have to kill myself.

(knocking on door)

Leave me alone.

Chanel...

are you okay?

I said get out, please!

- I'm trying to kill myself.
- What?! How?

- Duh, with an asp.
- Like a snake?

Yes. I ordered an asp online so I
could kill myself like Cleopatra,

and now I'm just waiting for
it to sense my body heat

and come out and bite me
so this will all be over.

Chanel, no, that's insane.

Is it? Is it insane?

My life is over.

There was nothing left to
do but go on AliExpress

and order a venomous snake
for same-day delivery

and just... end it all.

Hold on.

(snake hissing)

Chanel,

- this isn't an asp.
- (gasps)

It's a garter snake.

No, it isn't. Look at its markings.

What markings? This is a sweater.

I can't even kill myself right.

Chanel, look at me.

I understand that what you're
going through is really intense.

And I know you and I haven't
really always seen eye to eye,

and you say crazy-mean
stuff to me all the time,

and I have a real problem
with your casual racism,

which is something we need to work on,

but, girl, I promise I got your back.

- Really?
- Yes.

And I know you can't see it now,
but things are gonna get better.

You're young, smart and beautiful,

and you got a lot of
living ahead of you.

So don't talk about
killing yourself, okay?

That's not even something
you should joke about.

Come here.

Maybe this is one of those
teachable moments, you know?

Like my grandmama says.

Maybe this is where you
learn the lesson that...

words really mean something
and they can hurt people,

so you just can't always say
the first horrible thing

that pops into your head all the time.

- That's gonna be so hard.
- I know.

Why are you being so nice to me?

Because we have a real
opportunity here.

I mean, I think it's safe to say that you
and this house have hit rock bottom.

And when things can't
seem to get any worse,

that's when they start to get better.

We're co-presidents, remember?

That means this is the moment
where you and I join forces

to catch this killer and
rebuild Kappa Kappa Tau

into being something
everybody can be proud of.

And we're gonna do it together.

Fine.

I'm in.

Whatever it takes.

(Chanel and Zayday screaming)

Well, that's just great.

(gasps)

(screams)

What's wrong with him?

(snake hissing, man screaming)

(screaming)

Please, please! I... I
didn't mean to do it!

He's trying to say something!
Rip off his mask!

(screaming)

Please!

She made me do it!

- Who?! Who made you do it?!
- Get me out of this suit!

- Have you seen this guy before?
- No!

(screaming)

He smells like a pizza parlor.

(shouts) Get me out of this suit!

(muffled shouting)

Bitches, gather round.

- What the hell is going on?
- Who is that guy?

We have no idea. Neither of
us have seen him before.

Yeah. It was so weird.

As soon as Zayday and I joined
forces, he just fell into our lap.

Guys, something really weird
happened, and I'm so unsettled.

No one cares! We just
caught the killer!

No, listen! I was getting
my Fitbit steps in

when this girl appeared out of nowhere
with a shawl covering her face.

Oh, great news. The Hag of
Shady Lane has a sister.

No one cares.

No, she had scars all over her face.

She probably had bad acne and
wanted beauty tips from us.

It was terrifying. She
was carrying a shovel!

There's nothing terrifying about that.

She kept saying something,
something "dork."

Saying I'm-I'm a dork

or something "dork."

Number Six, hi.

Everyone on campus but me is a dork!

You're always trying to pull focus!

(man groans)

Any last words?

(muffled grunting)

(panting)

I'm gonna explode.

What?

We should probably let
him use the bathroom.

No! I'm gonna explode!

(panting)

I'm just a delivery guy!

(doorbell rings)

I delivered a pizza to this
address and someone answered

the door in this costume! Pizza!

Wait, there's pizza?

When I woke up, I was
wrapped in dynamite!

(all gasping)

Oh, my God, it's a bomb.

(all screaming)

She had a low voice, like a machine.

(beeping)

She said she... the only way
she wouldn't kill me is

if I came in here and I killed everyone.
And if I didn't,

she'd detonate the bomb!

(beep)

(all screaming)

(beep)

(distorted screaming)

(beep)

(beeping)

(electronic giggling)

(distorted screaming)

(distorted screaming continues)

(equipment beeping)

CHANEL 5: I just don't understand.

Like, one minute he's here,

and then the next minute
he just explodes!

I know. I also was there.

I mean, it's just so messed up.

Like, what are we supposed to do now?

Yes, a totally innocent
man who seemed super nice

and probably did nothing wrong at all

just got blown up in our living room.

Bummer. Now, let's honor
his memory by moving on.

(crying)

What's wrong with her?

Number Five is bumming me out
by insisting that we relive

the moment the pizza guy blew
up over and over and over!

Can you not make it about
you for one second?!

No, guys, I'm really freaked out! I
feel like I'm having a panic attack!

Get it together, Number Five!

Stop wallowing and start concentrating
on what's really important here.

Restoring my reputation.

Is that what's really important?

Listen...

ever since Zayday saved my life

from the fake asp I ordered online,

I'm a changed woman.

Like, I get now that other
people have feelings,

and that words, they're
like weapons or something.

So, I figured out a plan

to restore Kappa House's
dignity, get back Chad Radwell,

and put me back into the hearts

of the citizens of this great nation.

Wait, so... (sighs) the plan
isn't to catch the killer?

No! We already know who the killer is!

It's Boone! If we don't
want him to kill us,

we just have to avoid
places where gay people go.

So, like, behind every Bennigan's.

I love Bennigan's.

(sputters) So what's the plan?

I need to go on an apology tour.

You know, like celebrities,

when they say something offensive,

they just go on TV and apologize,

and everybody forgives them,

even though they don't mean it at all.

The first person I'm
gonna apologize to...

- Me.
- ...Melanie Dorkus.

- What?
- Yes. You heard what Number Six said.

Clearly Melanie Dorkus
is stalking the campus

with a shovel in a veil, all
pissed off because her face

got burnt off, and I want
to let bygones be bygones.

But I thought that you said
that you weren't the person

who put the acid in the spray tanner.

Well, I didn't, but she thinks I did.

So here's the plan... We're
gonna go to her house,

I'm gonna fake apologize,
you'll record it,

we'll post it online,
and it'll all be fine.

- Wait, we're gonna what?
- Let's go.

(crying): Like, after
Roger and Dodger, like,

- I've suffered so much loss in my life.
- Oh, Jesus. Let's go.

Why do you think the Devil let me live?

WES: I don't know.

But I still think we
should call the police.

What will that do? I mean,
all Denise is gonna do

is arrest Zayday again.

(sighs)

Um... (clears throat)

You guys didn't, um...

What?

(whistles)

No. Dad. No.

- Didn't.
- Okay, I had to ask.

I was going to, though,

- and it felt right and...
- That's nice. Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God. I mean, can
you imagine if I had?

I mean, what is so wrong with me,
Dad, that I totally misread him?

I think you saw what you wanted to see.

And from the sounds of it, you
know, at least he was coming

from a-a loving and-and positive place.

You can't kill people from a
loving and positive place.

Well, obviously, but...

I just didn't want this experience to
stop you from trusting your instincts.

Pete was a good guy.

Solid, hardworking, handsome.

And, yes, I'm glad he
wasn't your first.

But aside from the
in-cahoots-with-killers thing,

I think you made a good choice
when you considered him.

Invasion of the dad bod snatchers.

Who are you?

(chuckles)

That's a good question.

I'm a guy

who's learning to loosen the
leash and trust his daughter.

And if all of this has
taught me anything,

it's that I can't protect
you from the world.

And that you're pretty bad-ass when
it comes to taking care of yourself.

Well...

what I've learned is that
I still need my dad.

Especially if I want
to catch the killer.

Boone and Pete are dead,
so there's only one left.

The girl in the bathtub.

Pete said it's one of my sisters,

- which means we narrowed it down to five.
- Mm-hmm.

And, well, there's only one way to
figure out which one of them it is.

Lie detectors.

- No, Dad...
- Waterboarding.

- That's illegal.
- If it's good enough

for the CIA, it's good enough for me.

(laughing): Dad...

Okay, I have a better idea.

Why don't we lock ourselves in
here, and then we just wait

for the killer to kill
the other four...

Okay, Dad...

I need to get as much information
on all of them as possible.

Okay. Um, how do we do that?

Dad...

get ready to make the most
important playlist of your life.

We're gonna need you to
take one for the team.

("Crazy on You" by Heart playing)

Hey, Teach.

(scoffs)

What's going on?

Well, I decided to stop denying
what you and I both knew

the minute we laid eyes on each other.

And once I did, something inside
of me, I don't know, it just...

just clicked.

And I guess I just wanted
to get a little crazy.

(scoffs) So you just decided

to break into my house in
the middle of the day?

I know. I've been a very bad boy.

Maybe I should get sent to the dean.

Well...

I'm sure...

that that...

can be arranged.

(yells) Okay.

I'm just trying to figure
out what your angle is.

What are you trying to get out of this?

Oh, I'm just trying to get...

You know what I'm trying to get?

45 minutes alone, so I
can go crazy on you.

("Listen to Your Heart"
by Roxette playing)

Yeah, you feel that?

Ow!

- (Munsch moaning)
-
Listen to your heart

- Yes.
-
There's nothing else

-
You can do - Oh! (Panting)

-
I don't know where you're going... - MUNSCH: Turn out the lights!

WES: I'm not turning these lights off.

- Mmm!
- I don't want to miss a thing.

-
Before... - (grunts)

MAN: I'm sorry, who are you?

CHANEL: I'm Chanel Oberlin.

These are my minions.

We're here to see Melanie Dorkus.

But Ms. Dorkus does not allow visitors.

Due to the nature

of her deformities, she
has remained in solitude

since her release from the hospital.

I'm sorry, but there
must be some mistake.

I spoke with Melanie this morning, and
she sounded very excited to see us.

What's that smell?

MAN: Those are the hounds.

- (dogs barking, growling)
- Apart from myself,

Ms. Dorkus' only companions are the large,
angry mastiffs that patrol the corridors.

(growling)

If you'll wait in here, I'll let Ms.
Dorkus know you're here.

(dog barking in distance)

(gasps, groans, gasps)

- God.
- Ew.

(barking continues in distance)

Where is Number Six?

She said that she'd meet us here.

That's weird. She said she was coming.

(inhales sharply)

(sniffs)

What exactly are we looking for?

We need to see files
on all the Chanels.

See if there's anything in there
that eliminates them as suspects.

How do you know I'm not the killer?

I just know.

- How do you know I'm not?
- Just know, too.

Okay, first, we need to check
all of their transcripts,

see if any of them have taken
any suspicious courses.

Okay, like this, see?

She took an engineering course

and a course on domestic terrorism,

so she may have learned how to make the Mr.
Pizza Guy bomb.

(banging and thudding; Wes
and Munsch moaning loudly)

(Munsch screaming, Wes moaning)

Okay, we just need to pretend
like we can't hear anything.

Look, it said she failed gross anatomy

because she couldn't dissect a pig.

No way she could chainsaw a guy's

arms off if she can't
cut open a dead pig.

(chain saw buzzing)

Wait. She also took a class in sewing.

ZAYDAY: There's a college
course on sewing?

Do you remember in the
Red Devil's lair,

there was all that stuff
to make the costumes?

Oh, my God.

And another on human anatomy,

which she would need to
cut Gigi's head off.

(women screaming)

Take a look at the rest of the file.

See if there's anything
about the family.

You mean like the fact that
her Social Security number

is 123-45-6789?

And her home address is Sesame Street?

Look at her high school transcript.

It said she graduated
from Sweet Valley High?

This whole file is made up.

So that's her.

She's the baby in the bathtub.

The last Red Devil Killer.

Where are the Chanels right now?

(phone chimes)

(gasps)

I have to go right now.

What?

Somebody just swiped
right on me on Tinder.

Chanel, this has never happened.

Ms. Dorkus will see you now.

I called the company because I
thought the app was broken.

I have to go meet this guy.

You should go.

Hmm. Chanel.

Any guy swiping right
on you is a miracle.

So, go. Go meet this blind man.

And when I'm done
apologizing to Melanie,

I'm gonna call Pope Francis because...

we now have proof of God's
existence in this universe.

(grunts)

You want a drag?

No, I'm good.

Um, so I don't... I don't
exactly know how to say this.

Mm. Let me say it for you.

"Dean Munsch, I really respect
you, but I only did this

"to find out some piece of
information about the murders,

and now I don't think we
should take it any further."

That's not what I was gonna say.

(laughs)

Cathy...

that was the best sex of my life.

I'm not joking.

(chuckles): Well...

Uh... (clears throat)

Seeing as you remained celibate
for the full 18 years,

and then decided to re-pop your cherry

with the most mentally ill woman

on campus, I'm gonna take
that with a grain of salt.

I think you're just
relieved to find out

that intercourse doesn't
have to be followed

by hours and hours of crying

and a weird purchase
of an engagement ring.

Listen to me. Listen to me. Hold on.

Cathy, I'm serious.

Look, I never knew sex
could be like that.

At first, I was like... I was like,

"Wow, she's being really loud.

Are the neighbors gonna
call the police?"

And then I was like, "Wow,
now I'm being really loud.

"Why am I screaming so much?

They're definitely gonna
call the police."

And then I was just... stunned
at how flexible you are.

I mean, I thought you
had to be a gymnast

to get both feet behind your head.

Do you intend to come to a point?

Yeah. Sorry. Look, um...

when we first met, you
came on really strong,

and I-I was a little turned
off, I have to admit.

But then I was like, "Damn, girl.

"I mean, this-this... this chick...

this chick must really
be onto something."

I mean, if that's the way

that our bodies talk to one another...

That is a gross way to put it.

I just think that maybe you and I
were meant to be together after all.

(chuckles)

I'm serious. I'm serious, Cathy.
Listen to me.

I like you.

Like... like like you.

And, you know, if you are, uh...

if you're down, girl,

to see if this relationship has legs...

'Cause I know...

I know you got legs,
all right, you know.

I mean, if you're down, I'm...
I'm all for it.

I'm-I'm down.

(Wes moans)

- There's just one thing.
- Oh, shoot.

- Your daughter.
- Uh-huh.

She's gonna have to go.

- What?
- I'm just being honest.

I find her unbearably annoying,

and the minute she gets wind of this,

she is gonna be whispering in your ear

how I am no good for you.

So if you want this to happen,

we're just gonna have to find a way

to give ourselves a little space,

figure out a way to make Gracie

go bye-bye for a little while.

Now...

I am gonna go freshen up

and then come back for round deux.

(TVs playing quietly)

Get your phone out, Number Three.

You're recording this.

Melanie?

Hi!

It's Chanel Oberlin.

MELANIE: I know.

I recognized the Island Splash
scent of that douche you use.

(gasps)

Oh, my God, she looks
like Jason Voorhees.

No. Jason was deformed
since, like, birth.

She looks like Freddy Krueger.

No. Jason Voorhees. He's all disfigured

from that toxic waste that
got splashed in his face.

What movie are you even referring to?

Jason Goes to Hell.

That's the only Friday the
13th movie you've seen?

I'm right here.

Hi. I am so sorry.

Melanie, you remember Chanel
#3, and how she's a total div.

I'm sorry I haven't come by sooner.

I didn't realize you were in town.

I heard you were living in Alaska,

where it's night for half the year.

I was, but my parents say living alone

in an arctic compound wasn't healthy,

so, six weeks ago, they moved me here.

This is the estate that three generations
of my family went insane in.

Well, you look great.

Don't patronize me. I
look like a monster.

Toxic Avenger. That's
who I was thinking of.

Well, have you thought of a little...
plastic surgery?

I've had nine surgeries
already, you evil bitch!

You did this to me!

Now, Melanie, wait a minute.

(whispers): Start recording.

(phone beeps)

Melanie...

(sighs)

There's something I want to say to you.

And I think it's gonna
be hard for both of us.

Ms. Dorkus has visitors!

You can't go in there!

Melanie, I just want to say... (sighs)

...that I hope you rot in hell, bitch!

(Melanie gasps, Chanel yells)

What are you doing? I thought
you came here to apologize.

Never! I apologize for nothing.

- Melanie Dorkus is the killer!
- (Melanie screams)

- What?!
- Oh, don't look so surprised, Mask.

All evidence points to you.

You heard what Number Six said.

She saw someone walking
around campus, in a veil,

muttering, "Dork, Dork, Dork!"

- Dork as in Dorkus!
- (screams)

So she suddenly can't
remember her own last name?

I called my travel agent, who
called Alaska Charters LLC,

who confirmed that you, Melanie Dorkus,

took a seaplane back to campus

one week before the killings started.

So?

So, you're obviously the killer!

You came back from your
weird arctic compound

to get revenge on Kappa House
because you're hideous

and think that I put acid
in your spray tanner

when I didn't! (grunts)

I don't know what you're talking about!

- I didn't kill anybody!
- Can it, Dorkus.

I know it was you.

Have fun in hell, bitch.

And FYI, this is probably
gonna hurt a lot.

(gasps)

Wait! Chanel! Stop! Stop, stop, stop!
She's not the killer.

What are you talking about?
Of course she is!

No, she's not. I swear. We have proof.

It's Hester.

Hester is the Red Devil.

(chuckles)

So sorry.

(whispers): Stop recording!

I knew that bitch was a nut
burger the minute I met her.

It's like, who wears a neck
brace like that in 2015?

You know, who are you? Forrest Gump?

That's why you gave her a makeover

and made her one of your minions?

CHANEL: Have you not noticed
the Chanels operate in a world

that is outside the laws of man?

She has to show back
up here eventually.

We need to devise a trap.

But remember, she's
armed and dangerous.

(woman screams in distance)

(Chanel #6 screams)

(gasping)

Did you hear that? I think it
came from Chanel's closet.

Number Five, what are you doing here?!

Oh, please tell me you did
not bring your insane

and obviously blind
Tinder hookup back here.

I mean, the last thing I
need to see right now

is a guy running out of your room
with his index finger bitten off.

You know, 'cause your vagina has teeth.

No. It was a fake, and
I should have known,

because his Tinder profile picture

is the guy from Nickelback
cut out of a magazine.

You're saying you would have been okay

if it was the guy from Nickelback?

He's, like, 60. And Canadian.

I lost my virginity
to a Nickelback song.

GRACE: Okay, can we please stop talking

about Chanel #5's dating life
and see who's screaming?

Come on.

(whimpering)

(women gasping)

GRACE: Oh, my God.

CHANEL #3: Is she dead?

This is so horrible!

I know. That was such a
fabulous pair of shoes.

I can't feel a pulse.

GRACE: This doesn't make any sense.

Hester is the killer.

Pete's dead, Boone's dead. Who
could have done this to her?

(Hester gasps sharply, women gasp)

(panting)

(gasping)

Red... Devil!

(whimpering)

(gasps)

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