Original subtitles

[harmonica]

I'm so sick of this.

Your dad is not leaving that greasy engine

Out on the lawn for one more day.

It's starting to attract stupid guys in t-shirts.

I wouldn't bother him right now, mom.

He's real upset 'cause grandma called

And she needs money from us.

Well, we are not giving that crazy woman

Any more of our money.

Last time we did that,

She spent it all on dionne warwick

And her psychic friends.

D.J., your shoes are caked with mud!

Get 'em off my couch!

Okay.

You know, uh, D.J.,

This rebellious phase you're going through...

Is over.

Go take off those muddy shoes.

Roseanne!

We got to talk about my mother.

Okay, you want to talk, we'll talk.

I got something to tell you,

And I don't want any grief, understand?

My dad missed an alimony payment.

I got to give my mom some money,

And i'm not talking 10 or 20 bucks here.

It's more like 400.

Well, god, Dan.

I mean, it is your mother.

Did you think i'd object?

What kind of a person do you think I am?

I'm sorry.

Just...I'm so upset with my dad.

Why the hell can't he ever just be a man?

Well, gee, mom,

You sure handled him.

Well, Becky, you really have

To look at the big picture.

Now, your father's in a bad mood,

Instead he'll yell at somebody else,

Blow off some steam,

And then i'll go at him.

Okay, mom, I took off my shoes.

You are just so clever, D.J.

You outwit me at every turn.

I just don't even know what to say.

Thanks.

Could you do your real stupid mother a favor?

Would you go ask your dad

To move his engine off the front lawn?

Okay.

[theme]

[door opens]

You're late.

We'd have been here sooner

If she hadn't spent so much time

Putting on the makeup.

Well, it's a little hard to apply eyeliner

When something's suckling on your boob.

I know, that's why I make Dan dress

In the other room.

Baby... Little baby.

I'll be right back.

I'm just gonna top him off.

We really appreciate you watching him for us, Roseanne.

Lately it's been kind of hard for us to get any time together.

Yeah, well, who would have thought

That a screaming, leaking bundle of smells

Would kill the romance?

I don't think it's the baby.

I think it's just that Jackie

Is a little hard to get close to.

I mean, I know she hasn't had a lot of experience with men.

[chuckles]

What?

Hey.

So...Fred, you're worried

That Jackie hasn't had enough experience with men.

[snorts]

Yeah.

[Jackie] Roseanne, can you come here a minute?

Well, trust me, Fred,

You've got nothing to worry about.

Jackie knows her way around a man.

We could blindfold her

And she could take one apart

And put him right back together again.

Well, Fred, you and Jackie

Dropping the baby off here

And going out on a date.

Things getting serious between you two?

Has she really been out with a lot of guys?

Ah, Fred...

When doing a background check on a girlfriend,

It's rarely wise to ask the brother-in-law.

Especially when his wife is the ham-fisted Roseanne.

Let me just say this about jackie's past.

Hoo-ah!

The head. The head!

Oh, please, Jackie, haven't you noticed

That i've gotten a lot better at this by now?

I mean, d.J.'s neck is a lot less bent than becky's.

I love my sweetie. Bye-bye.

Okay, we want to go.

Yeah, you better go,

'cause we got a couple of buyers coming over

To look at him.

See you later.

I got to get to mom's.

Well, don't you want to play with the baby for a few minutes first?

We're not gonna play the last one

That touches him changes him, are we?

No, the last time we did that

You didn't touch d.J. For two years.

Mmm.

Oh, this is nice.

God, Dan, when I look at him,

I think that anything's possible.

You know, he could be president someday.

Remember when we used to have hopes for our own kids?

Kind of relaxed there, huh? Yeah.

Well, that's good.

I don't want you to give your mother any money.

Roseanne, we've been over this.

Well, Dan, she's just gonna do

Something loopy with it.

I mean, how many Boxcar Willie albums

Does someone with no stereo need?

She needs the money.

Well, I didn't know that we don't need it, Dan.

I must not have been home the day that we got

Everything we need out of life.

She was crying again.

Well, of course she was crying, Dan.

She cries all the time.

She cries when people lose on star search.

This is different.

Now, Dan, that 400 bucks

Is supposed to put d.J. Through medical school.

Can't you get your dad to pay it?

My dad doesn't care about my mom, so it's up to me.

If he doesn't, of course we'll help her out.

I've always believed in sticking by your family.

But this is a last resort.

[baby crying]

Fine, i'll do it. Take the baby back, he's wet.

No. You touched him last.

It's the nicest place anyone's ever taken me.

You deserve it.

Anyone who gives birth to a child of mine gets a free meal.

Oh, wow.

I'm glad I had your child then, 'cause, some of the guys i've dated...

I'd be lucky to get a bowl of pretzels and a beer at the lobo.

So you had a lot of dates at the old lobo.

Oh, boy, did I.

Oh, look! They've got dancing on fridays.

Hey, that's nice.

A lot of guys wouldn't like to go dancing.

Have a lot of guys taken you dancing?

Uh, yeah.

Same guys who took you to the lobo or a whole fresh batch?

Are you trying to ask me something?

No, no. Not really.

Well, Fred. Come on.

You can ask me anything.

You've seen me in the most embarrassing position imaginable.

And you were there when the baby was born.

Well, okay. [clears throat]

How many men did you date before we met?

You mean, dated at all or dated seriously?

I mean seriously.

Okay. I'd have to say just a few.

Good. It's not that I mind

If you slept with a lot of guys.

Well, slept with, well...

That's not what you asked me.

No, I guess it wasn't.

Fred, don't worry. It's not that many.

I'd say...

Three a year.

Since you were, what, 18?

Okay, we'll go with that.

Oh.

Wow.

Fred, that's not that many.

Three a year for 20 years is 60. Wow.

God.

I don't even know 60 people.

Well, I didn't know all of them.

You men have such a double standard.

I'm sure you've slept with a ton of women.

Three.

Three?

Three, huh?

Just the three?

Yep. Just the three.

Does it bother you that i've been...Active?

Oh, look. Let's just talk about something else.

No, i've got a better idea. Let's not talk at all.

Hi.

No, I haven't had him.

60?

Why? Do you think that's a lot of people to have slept with?

Well, yeah, for an amateur.

It sounded even worse when he said he'd only been with three.

Eww. Three?

That's what he said.

Yeah, but, I mean, three?

That's just so low.

I men, he's 37 and he's single,

And we both know he's not that choosy.

I can't believe how he reacted to it.

So why are you so surprised, Jackie?

You think a guy wants to know that the woman he's with

Has slept with 20 times more people than he has?

You should have lied.

I would never lie.

Why not? I lied to Dan about how many guys I was with.

Really?

Yeah.

He said he was with, like, seven women,

So I figured that meant five.

And I was with six guys, so I said three,

You know, to make sure to come in under his five.

And you think that was good?

I think that was brilliant.

What's the big deal? Why can't the man just accept

That maybe the woman's had more experience than him.

Because then he knows that she knows

That he's not very good.

Fred's good. He's perfectly good.

Especially considering it's just the three.

Perfectly good, huh?

Where have you been, Jackie?

Every man has to think he's the best.

Well, i'm not gonna lie to him and I think in the long run,

Fred would want me to tell him the truth.

No. Men want to hear that they're strong

And handsome and smart.

They do not like to hear the truth.

Do you agree with that, David?

Absolutely not.

If Darlene ever lied to me, I think i'd be really hurt.

That isn't true, David.

Remember how upset you got when she told you that you had poodle hair?

She never said that to me.

Oh.

Maybe she was sparing your feelings, but I guess

You feel a lot better now that you know the truth, huh?

Yeah. I do. I feel a lot better.

What do you guys think of my hair?

We think it's great. It looks just great.

I think it's stunning.

Roseanne, he asked to know the truth.

And David, the truth is that your hair is a little odd.

Thank you for being so honest, Jackie.

By the way, you know how everyone is telling you

You're as thin as you were before you were pregnant?

You're not.

[door bell buzzing]

Dan! Oh, my goodness. Come in. Come in.

I suppose it's okay that you see me in my personals.

We are family.

Yeah. I keep forgetting that.

Is that Danny Conner

Stoppin' by at 9 a.M.? That's me.

What do you need? Morning google?

[both chuckling]

Want some breakfast? I got pancakes hot off the griddle.

No, thanks. I just ate.

This'll be dessert.

I got some pure maple syrup that I picked up when I came through vermont.

You know, Dan, it's really wonderful of you to stop by like this,

It really does Ed good.

There's nothin' I like better than doin' Ed good.

Oh, now, Dan. I'm serious.

Ed's always sayin' that he wishes he could see you more often.

Here you go, son. Oh.

Fall down on some of that.

Thanks, dad.

I'm sure you boys have lots to talk about.

Yeah, woman. Get back in that kitchen.

Your men are getting hungry again.

Mmm. Man!

That's good syrup.

You want a jug? I got plenty.

No thanks, dad.

Look, I talked to mom today.

Yeah?

How is she?

She's fine.

She says you owe her some money.

Yeah, well...

I talked to her, danny,

And, uh...

I'm gonna take care of it.

Is that boy of your still playing hockey? When, dad?

I said i'd take care of it.

Look, i'm going over there tonight.

I'm gonna give her the $400 that you owe her.

Are you gonna give me the money or is it gonna come out of my pocket?

Danny, i've already talked the situation over with your mom.

What situation?

Well...

It hasn't been a really great year, okay?

I've had a flat patch.

The office doesn't want to send me out so much anymore,

I got a new family here.

Tough. You've got old responsibilities.

Danny, are you gonna make a speech?

Because if you are, I think we oughta get more chairs,

We'll call the neighbors--

I'm not gonna make a speech.

What i'm gonna do is try to remind you of your obligations!

I shouldn't have to do that! You're a grown man!

Can you just calm down?

Dad, she was cryin' on the phone.

Danny, that's her way.

Not like this.

She was crying so hard I couldn't understand her.

Sometimes your mother gets very emotional.

And everything kind of gets out of perspective, you know?

I mean, Danny, women have a tendency to do that, you know.

Women have a tendency to get upset when you treat 'em like crap.

You know your mother.

This is not about money, danny.

Sometimes you're talking to her and she's just not all there.

Hey, hey. There's nothing wrong with mom.

I didn't say there was anything wrong with her.

Who said there was something wrong with your mom?

You know that she's had it hard.

I know that.

This kind of stuff is not good for her.

Danny...

If I could help her, I would.

Yeah, Roseanne said you might be willing

To clean up your own mess, but I told her she was wrong.

Come on, Danny. Don't.

Don't leave mad.

I'm not mad. I'm not mad.

One thing about you, dad,

You'll never let me down.

[knock on door]

Hey, Jackie. Hello.

Still mad, huh?

No, i'm not mad, Jim.

Oh, i'm sorry. Fred.

So many of you I get confused.

Listen, Jackie. We need to discuss this.

What's to discuss? I slept with 60 men.

Most of them separately.

I can vouch for that. I was there that night sellin' tickets.

Will you quit giving me a hard time?

I'm just trying to accept this.

Fred, all the men that I have slept with [baby crying]

And all the things that I have done in my past

Have made me the person that I am today.

The person that you were supposedly in love with.

I know that, but all i'm--

Not nothing. We're supposed to be adults.

Right? And you know what really ticks me off, Fred?

Is that I was honest and you didn't even appreciate it,

And instead, you're punishing me.

Look. For god's sake, Jackie,

I'm not punishing you,

I'm just trying to be honest about how I feel about all of this.

I think you're both a couple of idiots.

Sorry, I thought we were being honest.

Baby, what's the matter?

What do you mean, "what's the matter?"

Can't you imagine how scary this is to him?

The big fuzzy thing is yelling at the milk machine?

You know, i'm through discussing it, Fred.

The next words I want to hear out of your mouth are an apology.

I'm not gonna apologize for the way that I feel.

Then I don't have anything to say to you.

Jackie. Stay out of it, Roseanne.

I don't need your kind of help.

I am trying to form an honest, solid relationship here

With the father of my child.

Get the hell out of my way.

Aw.

Am I nuts, Roseanne?

Wouldn't this bother Dan?

Not at all. Dan knows how many men Jackie slept with.

Come on, Roseanne.

If Dan found out that you'd slept with a lot of guys,

He'd be upset.

No, Fred. I really don't think he would.

Because we have known each other a lot longer.

And Dan knows he doesn't have anything to worry about.

Hey, I am not worried.

This isn't about me being insecure.

No, of course not.

Because you have no reason to be insecure.

Jackie's in love with you.

I know.

And she had your kid.

And, uh...

She also told me you're the best lover she's ever had.

No...

Yeah, and that's like, the best of 60.

That is a lot of guys.

Yeah, but that doesn't make any difference to you, does it, Fred?

Yeah, right.

Forgot his binky.

Jackie, wait a minute.

Roseanne, can you give us a second?

Yeah, sure. I know you don't need my help.

You're building an honest, solid relationship.

Jackie, i'm sorry. I was wrong.

So you're okay with this?

Of course I am. I was never that upset about it.

You weren't? No.

How insecure do you think I am?

The most important thing is, we were open and honest with each other.

Fred, you're the best.

Well, you don't have to say it.

Well, so you're back.

You know, Crystal brought by a whole case of maple syrup.

Do you think you could get $400 for it?

Roseanne, i'm kinda tired.

What'd your mom do when you gave her the money?

Did she do like she did last time and wash each and every bill?

I didn't give her the money. I had to take her to the hospital.

Oh, my god. Is she okay?

Yeah. I guess. I don't know.

Did she have an accident or something?

It's not that kind of hospital.

What are you talking about?

When I got there, she was sitting outside in the rain.

I don't even think she knew who I was.

One of the doctors thought she might be a danger to herself.

Well, I mean, is she gonna be okay?

God, this is so weird.

Did you have any idea about this happening at all?

I don't know.

I don't know what to say.

I'm okay. Well, uh, did you get anything to eat?

Did you have dinner? Want me to make you something?

No. No.

My god, honey. I'm so sorry.

I'm just-- i'm gonna go to bed.

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