Original subtitles

[snoring]

Roseanne.

Roseanne, wake up.

Jackie, is it time?

Dan, it's time. Get the keys.

I'm looking, i'm looking.

No, i'm not having the baby yet.

No, I--come here.

Dan, i'm having that dream where I kill Jackie again.

I got to tell you something important.

Okay, I found 'em. Let's go.

Well? What is it?

Well, I just wanted to tell you

That i've been thinking about it,

And i've come to the conclusion

That it's never coming out.

Never.

I'm gonna be a 70-year-old woman

Carrying a 30-year-old baby.

Jackie, you're only three days overdue.

I have a 3-day-old child inside of me!

Look at me!

It's huge!

Yes, but you have a very pretty face.

[sobbing]

Eww! Look!

What is that?

How come it's like that?

How, Roseanne?

How is this gonna come out of this?

Relax, Jackie. These have been coming out of those

For millions and millions of years, you know?

Muscles stretch... Bones break.

I'm sick of being pregnant.

Well, maybe it's like a turkey, you know?

When this pops out, it's ready.

Oh, cut it out.

Oh, what if I can't even make it

Through the delivery?

What if i'm not strong enough?

I'm scared, Roseanne.

Well, how did you get through it?

Well, you just grunt and groan and scream

And know that it's the most agonizing thing

You're even gonna go through.

And then you see her perfect little face,

And you knew it was all worthwhile.

Ha! Yeah, whatever.

[theme]

Roseanne, that was wonderful.

Thanks. Can you believe that I got this whole dinner

From one of those banquet rooms

Over the the holiday inn?

They were just gonna throw this stuff away.

My little rosie's a whiz with the leftovers.

Yeah, well, I figure

This will be one of your last nights of freedom.

For the rest of your lives,

You'll be worried about that kid.

Hey, where are your kids?

Hell if I know.

Oh, by the way, Fred, if you're thinking

About being in the delivery room,

Things can get a little wild in there.

You might want to wear a cup.

I'm looking forward to it.

Not only do Jackie and I get to welcome

This new life that we created,

It's gonna be our third date.

Well, you know,

It's a very stressful time for a woman,

So make sure one of you's always rubbing my shoulders.

Roseanne, why don't I help you with the dessert?

Well, where are you going?

The dessert's in here.

I know. I just thought we should...

Discuss it before we serve it.

Well, Jackie, now, if you're having issues with chocolate cake,

I think you should confront the cake directly.

Look, it's a really big deal for Fred

To be in the delivery room with me when the baby's born.

Okay, but it's gonna be kind of crowded

'cause I made big promises

To D.J.'s science class.

The hospital only lets one extra person in the room.

So that means what, Fred is the extra person?

Well, I know we always talked about doing it together,

But it's real important to him.

Is that what you want?

Well, I feel like it's the right thing to do.

I mean, he is the father. He has his rights.

Yeah, that makes sense.

I've only been your sister for 38 years,

But then, on the other hand,

He did buy you dinner and a movie.

Hey.

I told her.

Roseanne, I know you're probably upset

You won't be there when the baby's born.

No, i'm just fine.

D.J. took a bath yesterday,

So i've witnessed my miracle for the week.

Well, I knew if jackie talked to you,

You'd understand.

I'm sorry.

Hey, if you guys are done discussing the dessert,

I think it might be fun to eat it.

I'll get it.

Are you all right with this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, i'm fine.

Hey, Fred, you have something hanging off your chin here.

Ow!

There, I got it.

So she's definitely moving back into her old pattern, you know.

She thinks she has to please the man,

So she's letting Fred go in there instead of me.

Well, he is the father, Roseanne.

I know he's the father.

Don't you think I know he's the father?

Why is everybody so obsessed about Fred being the father?

Well, the truth is, Roseanne,

She probably doesn't really need anyone in there.

I read about some foreign women

Who do it all on their own.

What if something goes wrong?

You know, fred's gonna be, like, totally useless in there.

They all are.

I couldn't even hear my kid

'cause Dan was crying so loud.

Hi.

How are you doing?

Not good. I went to step up on a curb.

It took me two tries.

Well, a woman in your condition

Shouldn't be walking anyway.

You're right, mother.

I should just driven the car right into the restaurant.

Looks like someone's a little testy.

I'll be going now.

I tell you,

When I was pregnant with you and felt a little edgy,

I didn't let it bother me.

I just went home

And had a nice bottle of wine.

I cannot believe she drank

When she was pregnant with us.

Aw, relax, Jackie.

After a few months inside mom,

We probably needed a couple shots.

Well, sorry i'm late.

So what did the doctor say?

He said that the baby's head has dropped,

And i'm 2 centimeters dilated.

Wow. So have you lost your mucus plug yet?

Ladies,

These are customers.

Not if we don't wait on 'em, they ain't.

'til then, they're just people sitting at a counter.

So did you?

Not yet, I don't think. What is it?

It's this, like, honkin' mucus

That, uh, sits up there

And plugs up the opening

To the--what do you call it? Cervix.

Well, what next to impress the customers, Roseanne?

Perhaps take one of the hamburger buns

And use it to loofah your butt.

Well, gee, just for that, Leon,

You are not getting any of our homemade placenta shampoo.

Jackie, the counter, please?

Oh, my god--oh--

[gasp]

My water just broke!

Mom, is she leaking?

What am I gonna do, Roseanne?

Tell me what to do.

Uh, well, get your coat and come on.

Okay.

We're taking your car

'cause Dan just put brand-new duct tape on my seats.

Oh, my god!

It's 'cause I pushed her too hard, didn't I?

I mean, Roseanne, her water didn't break because I--

Asked her to wipe the counter?

Yes, it did, Leon,

And I hope you're happy.

Now Jackie is going to have to go through the agonizing pain

Of a dry birth!

Okay. I'm ready, I think.

I'm gonna have a baby!

I'm gonna be there with ya!

D.J., let's move!

Mom, did you water break when you had me?

By the time I had you,

Everything was already broken.

My water just broke.

When anything of mine breaks,

I want to be at the hospital.

Well, yeah, we're going to the hospital.

I just want to stop by here

And grab a bag that I packed for you

And, uh, some crossword puzzles.

Well, i'll need something to do between screams.

We don't have time for this.

Yes, we do, Jackie.

I had this very same thing when I had Becky, you know.

I was standing right here in the living room.

My water broke.

It was a whole day before I had her.

Then it was another 12 years before I could get her

To shampoo that spot out of the carpet.

Well, what if the baby comes?

I'd have to have it here.

I don't want to have my baby

Where Dan takes his naps.

Jackie, I would not let you have your baby on that couch.

You know how many things we've lost in there.

Oh, god. I'm having one.

Okay, okay. I'm having one!

Well, just remember, you breathe in.

Come on. Breathe in.

2, 3, 4, 5. And out, 2, 3, 4, 5.

In...

And out.

It's gone. You think it's over?

Well, gee, I don't know.

Do you see a baby around here?

I know it's kind of late for this,

But i'm starting to rethink this whole baby thing.

Everything's gonna be great, Jackie, I promise.

I'm really scared.

Well, don't worry about nothin',

'cause i'm gonna be right there.

I don't know what i'd do without you.

Could you call Fred?

That is exactly what I was just thinking.

I'm sorry.

No, no, no. He should be called.

After all, he is the father.

Everyone knows that he's the father.

They all keep telling me that he's the father.

He better be the father.

Well, don't get all mad.

I'm not mad. Well, don't get sad, either.

Well, you got to pick one.

Well, maybe we don't have to call Fred yet.

I mean, how much time do we have left?

Oh, well, I think you got about 11, 12 hours

Of, uh, horrifying, unbearable pain

To look forward to.

Unless it's one of those difficult births.

Well, we'll wait a little while

Before we call him, 'cause, I mean,

If he's gonna be alone with me all during the delivery,

Then it's only fair that you should be alone with me

During the labor.

That way, we can have a little sister time together.

Well, if that's your decision, Jackie, you know.

You need to think about you now.

That's what they taught you in that lamaze class

That I drove you to

Through the snow that one time.

I tell you what we'll do.

We'll get me to the hospital.

We'll get me settled in, and then we'll call Fred.

All right, well, if that's what you want,

My hands are tied.

D.J., you entertain her

While I go grab the bag. Okay.

You know, grandma says your baby's gonna be a bastard.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Oh...

I still think we got here too soon.

Too soon?

Any minute, i'm gonna look down there,

It's gonna be staring back at me.

We've been here over an hour.

Do you think we ought to call Fred?

Well, we could call him,

But I think it's gonna be a lot more hours.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I told you.

The only women that give birth real fast

Are, like, those big fat iowa women

That don't even know they're pregnant in the first place.

Harris?

Over here.

[grunt]

What's the problem?

Uh...

Well, I have a dull headache,

And, uh, she's about to spew forth

A human being from her loins.

Oh-- oh, here we go again.

Ow!

No, you cannot be having a contraction already.

It's only been one minute,

And you're still four minutes apart.

She's a bit of a whiner.

Ooh...

Insurance?

No, no, we don't have any insurance.

But we do have this public aid medical card.

Oh, gee, i'm afraid we're not gonna be able to take you.

We've met our quota of public aid cases.

Oh, terrific. Well, then, can you point us

In the direction of the nearest manger?

I'll arrange for an ambulance

To take you over to the county hospital.

County? No. I can't have my baby at county.

I don't want my kid born next to a gunshot victim.

I'm sorry, but unless this is an emergency,

I have to follow the rules.

We're not going to county. County is...Dangerous.

We wouldn't even visit our own mother

When we put her in there.

Oh, god. It's coming again!

Oh, I--I think maybe those contractions are one minute apart.

I know. I'm--i'm-- i'm having one of those emergency births!

Oh, dear, I think we'd better admit you right away.

Here.

[gasping]

Good work. We're in.

Next time, don't lay it on so thick.

You sounds more like a cow.

I'm not faking.

That's impossible. This is your first baby.

Everybody knows that takes hours.

Oh, no, no, no. Not necessarily.

I mean, with all the pain she's having,

I think it'll be real soon.

I'm not ready. Fred's not here yet.

Well, you know, call him. I'll get Fred here.

You told me i'd have a lot of time.

You lied to me.

I did not lie to you.

I've had three kids,

And it took the usual three or four days.

It's not my fault you're a freak.

You got to call Fred!

I will call Fred!

Just get in the chair and shut up

And keep your legs together.

Hey, hey, hey! My beeper just went off!

My liver's ready.

Oh, help, mommy, please!

Hi. Is Fred there?

Oh, he's not?

Well, as soon as he gets back,

Tell him he's got to get to the hospital

Because jackie's having the baby.

And tell him I called an hour ago!

How's it going? Jackie's in labor.

Yeah, I know. I came home for lunch,

And D.J. told me her water heater broke.

I was halfway to her house to fix it

When I realized when he meant.

I mean, she's in the delivery room.

I can happen any minute.

Yeah, where's Fred?

Fred? Well, it's so weird, you know?

I mean, me and Jackie were just talking and everything,

And we just thought we'd have more sister time.

How was I supposed to know

She's like one of them fat ladies in iowa?

Fred doesn't know, does he?

Man, I knew you wanted to be in the delivery room,

But I never thought you'd sink this low.

You don't understand. It didn't happen like that.

Well, how did it happen?

What possible excuse could you have?

I don't believe you, Dan.

You expect me to make up excuses

When you should be out looking for Fred?

I don't know where!

Well, you better think of some place.

If he misses this delivery,

I'll have to live with that guilt,

And it will eat at me and eat at me

Until it destroys you.

Did Roseanne find Fred yet?

No.

My goodness, i've heard of being left at the altar,

But i've never heard of being left in the stirrups.

Laugh while you can, old woman.

Ah, Jackie,

I think the pain has killed your sense of humor.

I'm not having any pain. I had an epidural.

See? Yeah.

I bet I could get my foot behind my head.

Oh, my--

Who put these booties on my feet?

I did when you weren't looking.

Hideous. Get 'em off.

Jackie, you haven't shaved your legs.

My god.

The baby's liable to be born

With rug burn.

Mother! Can we talk about something else?

All right. Have you thought about names?

No. I haven't decided yet.

Oh, god, there I am, about to give birth.

I haven't even decided on a name for my baby.

Oh, now don't get all worked up.

Just name it the first thing that comes into your mind.

You can always change it later.

You can't change it later.

Well, of course you can.

We don't call you Marjorie, do we?

Why would you call me Marjorie?

Because that used to be your name.

Only Roseanne couldn't pronounce it.

She kept calling you "my Jackie."

We thought it was so cute,

We all started calling you my Jackie.

And after a while, you just became Jackie.

My name used to be marjorie.

Yes. It probably still is.

I think that's what's written on your birth certificate.

You don't even know my own name?

You're supposed to be my mother!

Oh, we told you all this years ago.

No, you never told--

No, never, never, never, never, never told me that.

Now, Jackie, don't upset yourself.

It's no big deal.

It's no big deal? It's my name!

You go ask a thousand people

If they think that's a big deal.

They're gonna say yes,

That is a very big deal.

Or was it mary jane?

Hey, did you find him?

Yeah. He's in elgin.

He won't be back for three hours.

Three hours. Oh, my god.

She's ready to pop any minute.

Sorry.

Oh, my god.

He's gonna miss this.

He's gonna miss the birth of his baby,

And he'll never get over it, Dan.

He'll never get this moment back,

And it's all my fault.

I'm the most horrible person that ever lived.

Where is she? Right there.

I think you had that coming.

Yeah, you're right, and you had that coming.

Where's Fred?

He's scrubbing up.

Thanks for getting him for me.

Roseanne, did you know my name used to be Marjorie?

Well, how are we feeling, Ms. Harris?

Okay.

Let's take a look at you. Uh-huh.

I apologize for her legs.

I told her to shave them.

Just as I thought. You're fully dilated.

This baby is ready to be born.

Oh, the baby's ready?

Yep. Now I need everybody out

Except for the coaching partner.

Okay.

Good-bye, dear.

Okay.

Good luck.

I'll be pacing.

Bye-bye.

Whoa, stirrup alert. Let's go, Roseanne.

Yeah, i'm coming. Are you okay?

Yeah, I think so.

Well, don't you worry about nothing,

'cause everything's gonna be just fine.

I'm just right out there.

Okay. I love you, Roseanne.

I love you, too, marjorie.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Uh, good luck, Fred.

Uh, and i'm sorry

That I didn't call you sooner.

Look, Roseanne, i'm not gonna forgive you right now,

So don't even try. We'll talk about it later.

Don't say that to her.

Don't get yourself all upset now, Jackie.

He shouldn't be mad at you.

I wanted her to be part of this.

I really need everyone else to clear the room.

Bad enough she has to miss the delivery.

Look, Jackie, if you wanted Roseanne here,

You should have just told me.

Hey, Fred, this is a once-in-a-lifetime thing for you.

I'm sure the father of jackie's next baby

Will let me come in the delivery room.

Look, Jackie, if you're gonna resent me,

Then I should just go.

No, no way, because then i'm gonna feel horrible guilt.

No, i'm going.

No, don't everybody go!

You have to ask one of them to leave.

Why do I have to make this decision?

I'm the one having the baby.

This is a really stressful time for me.

You're asking me to choose between the father

And the person who's most important to me--

Oh, mama, my epidural's wearing off!

Okay. All right. Now, look.

Her sister is staying.

You want me to leave,

You're gonna have to physically throw me out.

You can't be serious.

Go ahead and try it.

You'll be glad you're already in a hospital.

Okay, fine. I don't have time to argue.

Look, just put on a gown

And get out of my way, all right?

Quite a man you've got there.

Yeah. He's my protector.

You're starting to tear,

So i'm going to have to cut you.

Holy cow...

[heartbeat]

[doctor] okay, Jackie, now push.

Uhh!

It's not coming!

[Roseanne] okay, remember

What they taught us in lamaze, Jackie.

Close your eyes. Close your eyes.

Now think a bowling ball

Going through a garden hose.

Ohh!

[doctor] I can see the head.

[Roseanne] Jackie, it's gonna happen!

Oh, god! Ohh! Oh, god!

Oh, Jackie, it's beautiful!

Is it okay?

It's perfect.

It's a boy.

Oh, it's a boy!

Oh, it's a baby boy!

Hi! Hi!

Ohh!

Oh, i'm your-- i'm your mommy!

Can I hold him? I want to hold him.

Oh, hello, baby.

I'm your aunt Roseanne!

[baby cries]

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