Original subtitles

All right, Mrs. Conner,

I finished moppin' the bathroom.

[sighs]

Well, i'd check your work,

But I don't feel like movin'.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you just clean

From here to there.

Where are you pointing?

The horizon.

Come on, Mrs. Conner.

Ever since you caught me at Darlene's,

You've been working me like a dog.

And the beauty of being a working dog

Is that you don't get put to sleep.

You know, all this punishment

Isn't teachin' me a thing.

Oh, really?

Well, maybe you could learn a lesson

If I would tell the big, strong,

Fiercely protective Mr. Conner

That you were shacking up

With his daughter.

Hey.

Hey, how's my big, strong,

Fiercely protective husband?

Exhausted.

But you'd still kill for me, right?

Yeah, sure. Why not?

Scrub brush.

I'll start here.

David, this new obsession of yours

With housework concerns me.

Mrs. Conner's always said

That a clean house is the devil's playground.

Yes, that's true,

But David feels, and I must agree,

That cleaning is the least he can do for us

After us taking him back

After running away to live with--

My mom.

I know you probably had to do this kind of stuff

To make your mom happy,

But there's nobody here to be scared of.

Take the rest of the day off.

Hmm.

David!

When you clean out the refrigerator,

Don't throw away the moldy buns.

D.J. Thinks it's chia bread.

You heard Mr. Conner.

He said take the rest of the day off.

Well, isn't that funny?

I thought he said,

"if anybody has been messing around

"with my daughter,

I'm going to crush him like a beer can."

David, i'm done with this page.

[theme]

[laughs]

Hey, David, remember in Chicago

When I caught you in Darlene's bathroom?

Yeah.

Remember how you gave me that money

So I wouldn't tell anyone?

Yeah.

I want more.

I haven't got any more.

Well, you better get more quick,

Or i'll tell dad.

D.J., do you know what you're doing?

You're--you're blackmailing me.

That's not nice.

So?

All right, look.

If you tell your dad about me,

I'll tell your mom that you knew

About Darlene and me since christmas and didn't tell her.

Go ahead. I don't care.

Mrs. Conner.

I care, I care!

Yes, David?

Uh...Is this shiny enough to blind you?

It'll do.

But, gee, the carpet looks old.

Make it look new again.

I don't think--

Oh, don't tell me how you're gonna do it.

Just surprise me.

Hey, Becky.

Uh, tell Mark thanks

For fixin' that blender for me.

Boy, I should've known that he'd know right what to do,

You know, since it's like a miniature truck motor.

Oh, well, it was no problem for him,

Seeing as he's a really, really good mechanic.

Right, dad?

Yeah, the list goes me, Mark, Goober Pyle.

Well, i'm glad to hear that,

'cause mom said you have an opening down at the garage

And that Mark could probably get it. Is that true?

Why did you tell her that?

Well, we were just... You know...Sittin' around

Talkin' about trucks and garages. You know, girl talk, and...

It just came up.

Is it true?

It's true.

Except for the part about Mark gettin' the job.

Sorry, no.

Well, why not, Dan? You used to work with him.

You think he's a good mechanic.

Look, most guys work for the city a year

Before they start hirin' all their relatives.

It won't look right if I jump the gun.

Oh, fine. Then we'll never have any money

And we'll just live here forever!

You can put away your own damn groceries, dad!

Thanks for turnin' my daughter against me, Roseanne.

Well, actually, I had you all set up

To be the big hero, but you had to spoil it

With that "no" business.

It would've been nice of you to run this little idea

By me before tellin' it to Mark and Becky.

Dan, have you never heard of the element of surprise?

From now on, I want to know

What's goin' on in this house

Before it blows up in my face.

No more secrets. Understood?

Mrs. Conner, i'm gonna attack that mildew problem now.

Well, David, Mr. Conner says

That we are not to have any more secrets in this house.

Really.

I'm afraid so.

Dan...

[inhales deeply, exhales]

...We have a mildew problem.

Is Jackie around?

Yeah. She must be out in the back.

You got the goods?

I'm sick of havi'' to trick Jackie like this.

I shouldn't have to support my baby

By sneakin' money into a tip jar.

Well, I told you if you write a check, she's gonna catch on.

Hey, Jackie!

Fred.

How you feeli'' today?

Lovely...Fred.

If I could do a backbend, i'd be a camel.

Wow! Look at all my tips!

Um...No, those are jackie's tips.

No, they're not. She got nauseous, and I took over her table.

I knew this pushup bra would bring in the extra dough.

No. This guy came in yesterday

And says he forgot to tip the waitress with the real breasts.

So $15 of that is jackie's.

[clears throat] 20! [coughs]

Remember, Nancy?

Oh...Right!

That guy from yesterday. Okay.

Oh, you--oh, the man with the glasses

Who kept drinkin' coffee.

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He really liked you.

There was no man.

Where's this money comin' from?

You don't have any money.

And you don't know what's goin' on.

Damn it, Fred.

Well, you wouldn't take any money directly from me,

So roseanne's been putting it in the tip jar.

Well, not all of it. I took some.

I mean...

You have your pride, Jackie.

Well, Fred, it's not your baby. It's mine.

What makes you think you have any say in how I raise my child?

I just want to be involved with this baby.

Why can't you let me help?

You want to help? Quit pressuring me.

Quit tryin' to butt in. Just leave me the hell alone.

God, Jackie. Well, how many times do I have to tell him?!

I think that'll be the last.

[door bangs]

Well, that was really stupid.

No, it wasn't. As far as i'm concerned,

Kids grow up fine as long as they have one decent parent.

Oh, man. Would you please

Stop quoting that Murphy Brown?

I wanna go over to Easy Miller's house.

No, not till you clean your room.

Well, you wouldn't want me to tell dad

About what's goin' on around here, would you?

Oh, no, D.J.

Now that you have all this information,

You have all the power and I have nothing.

I guess you'll be ruling the roost around here from now on.

Whatever will I do?

All right, i'll clean my room!

Hey, Rosie. Hey, David!

How's my favorite almost son? Mmhh.

I can't take this.

Oh, what, he barely touched you.

I gotta tell him. Mrs. Conner,

We all live our lives by certain rules, and I like to believe

That nothing bad can happen to me as long as I tell the truth.

Oh, my god. How did your mother raise you?

David!

Hey, Mr. Conner.

David, can't you see Mr. Conner

Is busy watchi'' the news?

Can I talk to you?

Just a sec.

David, um, that's our best china soaking in there,

And if it soaks too long,

The pattern will come off.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Conner. I have to do this.

Mr. Conner, you don't know this, but I was in Chicago.

Oh...[coughs] and he went to a cubs game,

And it was the most boring story i've ever heard.

Blah, blah, blah, blah. Go do the dishes, David.

No.

[turns off tv]

Mr. Conner, when I was gone,

I wasn't living with my mom.

I was livin' with Darlene.

It was a stupid thing to do, and i'm sorry.

Very sorry.

Oh, god, i'm sorry.

You lyin' little bastard!

You got 20 minutes to pack up your crap and get outta my house.

Mrs. Conner will drive you to the bus station.

I don't want to look at you.

God! You believe this, Roseanne?!

No. I was stunned when I first heard.

What do you mean, when you first heard?

You know... Just...Now.

And, uh...Oh, man, now i'm kind of in shock.

You take a kid into your house, and this is how he pays you back?

I bet I know why he's been doin' all those chores around here.

He's got a guilty conscience.

I never want to see the kid again.

Damn!

Great. He wrecks the place right after he fires my maid.

Anybody home?

I'm in the nursery.

Hi, Jackie. You want any help with that crib?

Oh, yeah, right, like, you came all the way down here

To talk about this crib. This is so obvious.

Crib, baby, Fred.

You wanna talk about Fred.

No, I don't want to talk about Fred.

See? There. You just brought him up again.

Well, what can I say? I'm obsessed.

Look, I don't feel bad about what happened.

It's better now. He knows where he stands, and that's that.

You know, I got bigger problems to talk to you about

Than whether or not you made Fred cry.

I made Fred cry?

Let's not talk about him!

Fred is a grownup. He can take care of himself.

He's not some teenager like poor David.

Why? What happened to David?

Dan found out he was livin' with Darlene in chicago,

And he kicked him outta the house.

Oh, my god. Where is he now?

I don't know. He could be anywhere...

Livin' on the street...

Eatin' out of a dumpster.

Standing in your hall.

Roseanne, no. Please.

He cannot stay here. I can't deal with that now.

Please. Just tell David i'm sorry.

I can't do that, Jackie. It'll just crush him.

You tell him. David!

Hey, Jackie.

[sweetly] hi, David.

You don't want me to stay, huh?

It's not that I don't want you living here, David,

Because I do. It's just that i'm not even allowed

To have a cat here, let alone a boy.

Jackie, you own this house.

I know that. These are my rules.

Hey, look, it's all right.

Look, Mrs. Conner, I really think I should just...

Get on a bus back to my mom's.

Oh...God. How would he-- how long would he have to stay?

Not too long at all.

I think it'll only take me a couple of days

To make, you know, Dan feel guilty enough to take him back.

Two years at the most.

We're just pretending like I have a choice here, right?

Right.

All right, David, get your stuff. You can sleep here.

[sighs exasperatedly]

I knew it. I knew it.

I knew that if I brought him over here

And you saw his little puppy-dog face

That you could not turn him away.

Well, I guess you know me pretty well.

Got another surprise for you.

Fred, come here!

made you look, made you look

I finished puttin' the crib together.

So, uh...I'll get started on this drawer tomorrow.

So...Good night.

David.

Do you think of me as a mean person?

You? No. No way.

I mean, you're letting me stay here and everything.

I think you're really nice.

Well, you're wrong.

I'm a horrible, horrible woman.

The worst.

I don't even think I have a heart.

I'm like the tin man,

All hollow inside.

See, I--i'm not sure what to say.

Usually when Darlene says somethin' like that,

It's a trick.

It's been three days, David.

Fred hasn't come by the diner. He hasn't called.

I wanted him gone, but not like this.

He's probably sitting at home crying still.

No. No. It's different for guys.

I mean, Darlene used to say

Mean stuff to me all the time,

And I never took it personally or anything.

Really?

Yeah. And now that we broke up,

It's a good thing. You know?

I mean, i'm-- i'm even starting

To think about seeing other people.

You are?

Yeah.

In fact, i've got

A couple of girls lined up already.

Oh. Well... [laughs]

[unconvinced] that's good.

That makes me feel a lot better.

Yeah, i'm doin' much better now.

Here you're starting to see other people,

And...Fred's a swinging single,

And...Look at me. I'm just a wall...

[chuckles] a wall of baby.

Who could love this?

Oh, come on. Lots of people.

Yeah. Right.

I mean, sure, you're-- you're big and all, but...

...That doesn't mean you're not still great to be around

And really funny and just beautiful. Oh...

[sighs]

You mean that?

I do. Honest. Oh, David.

[sniffles]

Look at you.

You...Broke up with your girlfriend

And Dan kicked you outta the house,

And you're tryin' to cheer me up.

[sniffles] you're really special.

I don't think we should be doin' this.

What?

I mean, don't... Get me wrong.

It--it's not that i'm not attracted to you.

I--I am. But... I'm still really confused about Darlene,

And I think it would just kinda be a mistake

If we...You know?

What?!

Oh, god.

You and me?

[laughing] are you serious, David?

You're just a little child!

[laughs]

Oh, god, that hurts.

[laughing] oh, David, thank you.

Thank you. You really know how

To pick a girl up out of the doldrums.

I thought you'd like that.

Sorry i'm late. I stopped at the market

To pick up some groceries.

Got ice cream, cookies, candy.

Dan, did it ever occur to you

That we shop like our parents are gone for the weekend?

Well...I still haven't heard a thing from David.

Jeez, tell a guy to get the hell out and never come back,

And this is how he treats ya.

Well, I know you did the right thing, Dan.

I'm just glad that you were the one that made the decision.

I--I just never could live with myself

After I heard the stuff his mom says to him.

Roseanne, we had no choice.

Yeah, I know that. I'm just sayin' I couldn't have done it.

He's a big kid. He can take care of himself.

Now, I don't want to hear another word about it.

Fine. I--I won't bring him up again.

David!

I mean, dinner!

Need any help, mom?

Oh, no. Let me do it.

You've been serving people all day.

I've only been doin' it for 25 years.

Gee, I miss David.

Well, D. J., your father and I have made a decision, now,

And we are gonna stick with it.

David did a very bad thing,

And we do not need anybody

Second-guessing the extreme severity of his punishment.

If I do something really bad,

Does that mean you'll get rid of me, too?

D.J., is that the message we're sending you?

What's the matter?

I don't know.

I just don't feel like eatin'.

[clicks tongue]

Uh, Dan,

Don't tell me

You're startin' to feel guilty.

No, Roseanne, i'm not. I'm just not hungry. Okay?

Well, god, Dan, don't be so defensive!

I said, "if you're feelin' guilty,"

Then there is still time to do somethin' about it!

Yeah, you're right.

Of course i'm right, Dan. Don't you know who I am?

Mark, if you're still interested

In that job at the garage, it's yours.

What? Are you--are you serious, Dan?

Yeah. I figure it'll be okay

As long as you don't ask for any special favors.

You start tomorrow.

[sighs] come in about noon, 1:00,

Whenever you feel like it.

Thanks, dad!

[sighs] hey. [chuckles]

Feel better already.

Well, the guilt thing really worked.

Thanks, Mrs. Conner.

Yeah, I really know

How to make things happen around here.

Every time I look at david's empty chair, feels like our whole--

Ahh, can it.

Ms. Harris, what are you doin'?

Have you got a light?

No. [chuckles]

David, what do you think of me?

What do you mean?

Well, you've known me for quite a few years now.

You must've formed... Some opinion of me.

Well...I think

You're a very... Nice person.

Do you find me desirable?

Sure. I think you're the most attractive

Of all darlene's aunts.

What are you drinking? Bourbon?

Ms. Harris, you're tryin' to seduce me.

[laughs]

Aren't you?

God. David, we've been through this before!

You're just a child!

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