Original subtitles

I don't care, Darlene.

If Becky and Mark can come home

And sit through your father's stupid, boring, dull 25th reunion

Of his stupid, boring, god-awful football team,

Then so can you.

It'll be fun!

See ya later.

Wait a minute.

Herbs? Spices? Measuring?

Why, this is some kind of recipe.

Yes, I wanted to do something special

'cause of Becky and Mark coming home,

So i'm making this here "Chicken Barbara Walters"

Like they got in the tv guide this week.

[kisses]

Honey, don't get me wrong, i'm really glad Becky and Mark

Are coming home for the reunion, but...I'm just worried.

Things get a little tense when they're in the house, and...

Well, the guys will see.

Oh, yeah. Well, I can understand

Why you wouldn't want to be embarrassed

In front of a guy who used to eat french fries

By sucking them through his nose.

Reunion's a big day for me, Roseanne.

I don't get big days.

I think in my whole life, i've had a total of three.

What's that, when the kids were born?

Six.

I suppose one of those is our wedding day, huh?

Okay, so I don't count specific days!

But tomorrow's gonna be a biggie,

And I know you're gonna get in a fight with Mark and wreck it.

Becky and Mark just pulled up!

I'm not going to fight with Mark...

Because I want Becky to come home and visit more often.

So i'm just gonna hold it in all weekend.

No matter what stupid thing Mark says,

I'm just gonna ignore it.

You can do that?

You can be nice to Mark?

Dan, whether you realize it or not,

No, you haven't. Well, why should I?

[Becky]...Not to speed. I just want to get here by dinnertime.

[Mark] well, I didn't know they had a dinnertime at this house.

I thought it was just grazing 24 hours a day.

Breathe in...

Breathe out.

Hi!

Hey! Happy reunion, dad.

Mark! Hi! Boy, I missed you.

Hi!

Dan, it's Mark.

Hey, good to see ya. Same here.

Hey, Deej, you got bigger.

I'm in puberty! You ever heard of it?

Hey, how was your drive?

Well, we would have got here sooner

If we hadn't stopped at the colonel's for chicken.

So you already ate?

Well, Mark couldn't wait anymore.

You guys didn't go to any trouble, did you?

Oh, no, no. Not at all.

I was hoping we could all sit in the kitchen and catch up.

Okay. That's a good idea.

Um, i'll just...Go out there and clear the table.

[gasps, chuckles]

Well, while we're waiting, why don't we just sit here

And rest our bones for a minute?

[loud crash from kitchen]

Okay. Table's clear.

[theme]

[laughs]

Okay, 5-card draw, deuces wild.

Ante up.

Nothing that's been bitten or sucked on.

But enough about Jackie, let's play poker.

So, Dan, uh...

Perry Watkins must not be coming

Is they asked you to make the speech.

Well, maybe they asked me to make the speech

'cause i'm the only one who's uniform still fits.

Yeah, and better than ever, too, honey.

'cause remember who you used to have to stuff it

With all them pads and socks and everything?

Who's Perry Watkins?

He's this guy from high school

That your dad was very competitive with.

He's not a guy I was competitive with.

He was guy I was better than.

Tomorrow night, we're gonna show him it's still true.

Don't you worry about nothing, pa.

Me and the youngins gonna do you real proud.

[laughs]

I'm gonna put in our white store buck teeth.

And nobody's gonna mention that D.J. was born with a tail.

Dad, I wanna help make your party really great.

Thanks, son.

At least somebody in this family

Is sticking up for the old man.

I brought up all those tv trays

And arranged them around the living room.

Then I moved around the chairs so people have more room to talk.

Well, isn't that handy?

Just as your football buddies show up,

Your son has discovered his passion for interior decorating.

You know, Deej, tomorrow's an important night for mom, too,

So we're gonna let her take all the credit for the decorating.

Okay!

Hey, dad...

Why don't you practice your speech on us?

Nah. Oh, come on!

No, you don't want to hear it.

Come on! Nope. Nope. Nope.

All right.

I ain't much for speechifying, you know.

Ahem.

"25 years ago on this same field,

A bunch of guys got together--"

Sit down, you bum!

"...To play a little game we call football."

Bring on the pom-pom broads!

Come on!

Oh, we're just being the audience for you, you know, to rehearse.

Cut it out.

"little did they know they they--"

Show us your boobs!

"little did they know..."

"...That they would be honored here today.

Now let's go kick some butt in the second half."

[chuckles] uh, is that it?

That's the whole speech?

Yeah.

Well, yay!

Hey, Dan...

What is that on your forehead?

What? Is that a pimple?

Oh, man!

Oooh, man!

Oh, man!

No, it's not that bad, Dan.

You can hardly notice it.

Quit staring at my forehead.

Hey! Don't you go fooling with that now.

It's not gonna be ready 'til Sunday,

And then it's mine!

Okay, Becky. I'm ready to go.

I think I wanna stay here.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

What?

I just want to spend some time with my family.

What about my friends? I haven't seen 'em in a year.

You should've taped it when they were on America's Most Wanted.

So you're just not gonna show up now?

You go out without me all the time, Mark.

Why should tonight be any different?

Fine. I'll go alone.

And i'll have a better time without you.

Um, Becky, are you okay?

I'm gonna go unpack.

Did you hear that? He's cheatin' on her.

Cheatin' on her?

All she said was he goes out a lot.

So where do you suppose he goes?

He's certainly not going out to think.

She's a married woman now. She's got to make her own choices.

You get in the middle of this, it's just gonna make it worse.

I gotta do something. What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna go pop dan's zit.

I thought you said it wasn't ready?

Tough! I am!

Well, there's four hours of my life i'll never get back.

It was cool seeing all your dad's friends again

After all these years.

Yeah, they sure have changed a lot since before I was born.

Hard to believe your dad's the one who didn't let himself go.

I think Darlene should have to help with the party.

Gee, i'd love to, Deej, but I gotta leave in like, an hour,

So that means I have to go lie on my bed and stare at the clock.

Well, we all contributed in our own way.

What's my job at the party?

Coats. Take them in my bedroom and put them on the bed,

And don't go through the pockets.

Then there was the time nobody'd straighten out my nose and I had to do it myself.

Talk about painful.

That's nothin', Dan. Remember the time

I played the entire second half of the west game

With a dislocated shoulder? Now that's pain.

One time I went to the hospital and they ripped open my stomach

And they took a human being out of me.

Welcome to the conner castle. Make yourselves at home.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Yes, check your coats with D.J. here.

D.J.'s gonna be a heck of a player someday.

Check out perry. Get a load of that big bald head of his.

Yeah, I bet nobody would have noticed

If he would have just worn a great big band-aid over it.

Hey.

Did you notice that Becky and Mark didn't sit together at the game?

Yes, I did.

And did you notice that I didn't say one thing to them?

I did, and i'm very proud of you. For once you acted like a normal person.

Yes. A normal person.

It's all part of my plan.

What are you talking about?

What usually happens is that Mark does something really mean to Becky,

And then I yell at Mark, and then instead of hating Mark,

Becky ends up hating me.

So what are you gonna do? Nothing.

I'm just going to make sure that she knows i'm here for her

And i'm gonna wait for her to come to me.

And until then, I am not going to meddle. I am not going to get involved at all.

Mom, look! Somebody gave me a tip.

Oh, yeah. Like all you need is something else to stunt your growth.

Just stop it. All right, Becky?

Fine. Go ahead and go, then.

Um, Becky.

Becky, I want you to know that i'm here for you

If there's anything that you'd like to share with me.

No, mother. There's nothing I want to share with you.

You think I can't run my own life?

No, this is just something new

That i'm doing with all the kids.

D.J., is there anything you'd like to share with me?

Yes. I think I should get paid for carrying the coats

Because Darlene-- yeah, yeah. Go back to work.

You call that acting like a normal person?

You about blew it with Becky. No, I did not.

I was laying the groundwork. She knows the door is open.

Next time Mark acts like a jerk, she'll walk right through it.

It's part of my long-range plan.

It's possible that Becky and Mark aren't gonna break up.

Oh, yes they will. How do you know that?

Because it's the plan.

Mom...

If I was to leave Mark, would you guys let me move back in here?

Of course we would, Becky. We have room for you.

'cause I was just asking for the sake of discussion.

Oh, yeah. I knew that.

You are a spooky little woman.

Great party, huh?

Yeah, there's more big, fat, smelly people in this house than I remember.

I get to move back in here.

What's with these dolls, anyways?

Mom's redecorating the room to make it look like we had a happy childhood.

Hey, if you and Mark were sleeping in here last night,

How come the beds aren't pushed together?

It's not like we have to do it every night, Darlene.

We're not animals.

Oh, that's right. Mark can use tools.

So, how's school?

Great. I'm constantly stressed out, I don't get much sleep,

Sometimes I get this pain in my right eye. Could be a tumor.

But at least i'm not here with the hindenburgs.

I mean, there's good stuff too, right?

I'm sure you've got some great teachers and there's lots of cute guys.

Becky, it's not like you're 100 years old.

If you want to go to college, go to college.

Just don't go to my college.

Can I ask you something? Yeah. What?

Was it hard to leave David?

I mean, did he take it bad?

Well, you know, at first. But we worked it out.

Man, that took a lot of guts.

Whatever.

No, seriously.

I don't think I could do something like that.

I'm really proud of you.

Ugh.

Look, I can handle the guilt of lying to mom,

But I can't handle you slobbering all over me.

Um, David isn't living with his mom in michigan.

He's living with me in Chicago.

You gotta be kidding.

No, i'm not kidding, so you just gotta keep your mouth shut, okay?

Darlene, are you sure you know what you're doing?

This is serious stuff.

Look, it's no big deal.

But you're living together.

You guys are having sex, right?

No, I force him to sleep naked next to me every night, yet I give him nothing.

You think that makes me a tease?

I know that now you're in college you think you know everything,

But i'm just trying to give you a little advice here.

I don't think you should let sex totally rule your life.

That's funny. That's the exact same speech mom gave me.

But you forgot to say, "or you'll end up like Becky."

You know, perry, I really should've gotten a haircut for the party.

I have trouble keeping up with it.

Quite a place you have here, Dan.

I can see why the hair means a lot to you.

You know, perry, when you have a family, you put things in perspective.

Hey, D.J. the old man's over here.

You never started a family, did you, Perry?

No. Funny thing about 20-year-old girls these days.

They're just not looking for a commitment.

Well, when you're alone you have the time to read all about that kind of stuff.

Hey, son!

Do you know what Darlene just said to me?

This is our youngest, D.J.

He loves his big sister, Darlene, don't you, son.

Now what did big sis' say to you? [mouthing words]

She misses me.

[mouthing words]

And she loves me.

Attaboy.

Now you go run and help your mom in the kitchen, tiger.

Hey, Deej! [shooting sounds]

[barely audible]

Wow. Let's see what else we have in the old memory box here.

Regional champs, 1968!

Whoo!

Yay! I thought we lost to lakeside in the regionals.

Yeah, we did, but we won the fight in the parking lot afterward.

Ah! Here's a little something of interest

To the happily married couple, Jim and Sarah.

A list that Jim wrote junior year of all the scores he made.

Off the field.

Whoa! Whoa!

Wow. Yeah. Dan, your name is on there.

And who can forget old Charlie. Our spiritual leader.

Who in order to inspire us, shaved off all the hair he hadn't cut in three years.

Boy, Perry. That must hurt just looking at all that.

And here's a little souvenir of Dan and Roseanne's first date.

Come on, Rosie. You had to know about this.

Everybody else at school did!

Wait a minute. Those aren't even mine.

Who wants a brewski.

Hey, Dan. These better be your underwear or you're in a hell of a lot of trouble.

I stole 'em from my mom. Please don't tell her.

Dan, we didn't have sex until our second date.

You ruined my reputation!

Honey, please, please act like we're making up in here.

Oh, yeah, honey. I've been a bad boy!

I'm the worst. I'm the worst. I'm scum.

Please, i'll give you anything you want

If you just walk back in there and act

Like we have a nice, happy marriage.

Fine. Then it will be two more hours of my usual sweetness and light...

And then you are gonna owe me bigger than you have ever owed me.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Yeah, I guess ol' Rosie doesn't want anybody but danny to see her undies.

I'm a lucky man.

You are a lucky man.

[Mark] don't walk away from me!

Go to hell.

Shut up, already. I'm sick of your mouth.

I can't believe I married you.

They're very active in community theater.

Becky, what the hell are you doing?

You sit in there screaming in the living room,

Embarrassing your dad in front of all these stupid idiots he's trying to impress.

[Dan] could you shut that door, please?

Show 'em your zit!

I hate Mark! Why did you ever let me marry him?

You know, it was kind of hard to cancel after I sent out 500 invitations

And booked the country club.

What am I gonna do, mom?

Well, Becky, help me to help you make the right decision.

Tell me all the rotten stuff he does to you.

He's been in a bad mood ever since he lost his job.

We don't talk anymore.

Unless we're fighting about money.

So I went out and got a job and he got mad at me for quitting school.

He did? Yeah.

You know that great apartment I was telling you about?

It's a dump.

Yeah, and I suppose he leaves you alone all the time.

Probably going out with his friends, drinking,

Getting in fights and that type of thing, huh?

No, he and his friends are always restoring

This old car that no one's ever gonna buy.

You mean he's working?

But I never get to see him.

Marriage sucks.

Well, Becky, i'm still waiting to hear the bad stuff.

Tell me that he cheats on you or he beats you up or something.

I got nothing here.

Mark would never do that.

Did he ever show your underwear to his friends?

I just wish that we weren't married and we could go back to the way we used to be.

When I lived here.

Okay, so you want to get a divorce so that you can date him.

It doesn't work like that, Becky.

I should've known you wouldn't get it.

No, I totally get it. Mark is out there

Working his butt off to save money

So that his immature brat of a wife can go back to school.

Why are you getting so mad?

Because you are making me defend Mark.

So just tell me.

I suppose you still love him.

Yes.

And he loves you.

What a day i'm having.

But it doesn't help. We still fight all the time.

Well, why don't we just bottom the whole rest of this day out, okay?

Why don't you and Mark just move in here till you get on your feet?

God, I don't know.

I'm scared if we move back in here, we'll never leave.

No, trust me. I will make sure that never happens.

I guess I could try to convince Mark, but he's gonna be really unhappy here.

Oh, well at least there's something in it for me.

Thanks, mom.

Are you gonna have to check with dad about this?

No, Becky.

I'm not going to have to check with your dad

About anything for a very, very long time.

[bewitched theme]

I cannot believe that they replaced that Darren.

Well, it was a hit show.

They knew they could get away with anything.

[sighing] well, I like the second Darren much better.

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