Original subtitles

Okay. You ready to go?

Yeah, as soon as I finish this mom crap.

[telephone rings]

Hello?

Yeah...

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah!

Well, isn't that cute?

D.J. Just closed his first drug deal.

What's he up to?

I have no idea,

But I have a feeling that it threatens all

That is good and decent in the world.

D.J., get out here!

Breakfast is ready.

Yuck.

These aren't the microwave kind.

I know. The microwave died this morning.

It's okay to cry. Your dad did.

I only like the frozen ones.

Okay, fine.

They'll be ready in an hour.

I have to go. Where's my lunch?

Right there.

I'm gonna look like a dork carrying this.

Yes, you will, but this way people might think it's the bag.

I hate tuna.

I'm not gonna eat this.

Hey, I worked hard to make that tuna sandwich.

You're gonna take it, you're gonna go to school,

And at lunch you're gonna trade it for somethin' decent.

Fine!

What's his problem?

Well, i've seen it before.

He's 12, he's crabby,

He's becoming a woman.

Aw, it happens so fast.

Yeah. Well, I guess he has to take over for Darlene

Since satan transferred her to Chicago.

And that teakettle, too, unless you got a newer one?

Jackie!

Well, I gotta furnish a house!

Well, hey, why don't you weasel stuff out of people the classy way?

Throw yourself a housewarming party.

I can't do that.

If I have a party, I have to invite mom,

And she'll come.

Then she'll be there.

All right, fine.

I'll throw you a surprise party,

And I won't tell mom. Okay?

And if she finds out about it,

I'll take the heat.

No, you won't take the heat.

You'll cave in and ask her.

I will not.

You have no idea how much I will not cave.

And I know just what to tell people to get you, too.

A microwave.

I don't need a microwave.

You're the one that needs a microwave.

Hey, wait a minute.

Isn't it just great when all the parts of your brain

Start workin' together as a team?

George?

Yeah, she's gone.

You can come over now.

[theme]

Yeah, well, I know a microwave's expensive,

But you shouldn't be so selfish.

You should think about Jackie for a change.

Well, maybe...Maybe she could use a...

A, uh, a car.

No, a car would be crazy.

A mustache comb.

No, that's even better.

Yeah, you can never have too many 3-D pictures of Jesus.

Bye.

This is a teakettle.

No, this is a teakettle.

That is a teapot.

Oh, god!

Here comes Fred.

Oh, jackie's little huggums.

He's not my little huggums,

And he's not invited to that party.

You know, you ought to give Fred a chance.

He's one of your better sleazy one-night stands

That you've ever had.

You should get to know him vertically.

Just let me handle it, okay?

Tell him i'm not here.

Hey, Roseanne, is Jackie around?

Jackie, did you want me to tell him that you're gone

Or that you just stepped out?!

Thanks a lot, Roseanne.

Well, we both knew I was gonna do it.

Hi, Jackie. Hi, Fred.

This is where you leave.

Okay.

Well, you can't tell with his clothes on,

But i'll believe you.

Hi.

Jackie, I know you didn't want to

Talk about this before,

But I just gotta tell you.

I had a really nice time the other night.

Well, of course you did, Fred.

We had sex.

Sex?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I remember now.

That was right after dinner

And right before I thanked you for an hour.

Yeah. Fred, you're very sweet--

Did you get the flowers? I got the flowers.

Did you get the candy? Yeah, I got the candy.

Did you get the 20 bucks on the end table?

Fred! Stop it.

I'll tell you what.

I made a dinner reservation for tonight.

Oh. No.

Listen, Jackie,

If we're gonna have sex again,

I need to eat.

Fred, i'm just not really ready

To have a relationship now.

Then we can be friends.

I'm--i'm not ready to be friends.

Then what are you ready for?

Well, I was ready for the sex, and...

Now i'm done.

Fred, I got out of a really bad relationship,

And i'm not ready to trust someone yet.

Okay, Jackie.

I'd like to go out with you again.

I'm not gonna beg.

Just understand this--

Once I walk out that door...

You'll be able to reach me at any time.

Oh, why can't we invite him to the party?

We need at least one decent person.

Whatever happened to the old-fashioned guys

Who slept with you once and never bothered to call gain?

You've been through 'em all.

Ah, the smell of dead calves and onions.

I'm home. Hey.

Hey, you.

Hey, honey, I get the first hug.

I'm the one that gave up

Cigarettes and alcohol for four months.

Isn't that honky?

So, what's happeni'' with the big gal on campus?

Well, biff and todd invited me

To the sigma chi dance, but it was the same time

As the tri delt formal, so I spent all my drink-beer bonds

And finally passed out on beta gamma's lawn.

I slept right through the big game.

Oh, that takes me back.

What's she doin' here?

You said David wasn't gonna be around.

Oh. I thought you meant David Cassidy.

I know how much you, uh, hate him.

Oh, so this was your little plan.

You get us in the same room,

And then we just make up just like that,

And everything would be great.

Actually, my plan was

That you would come home and figure out my plan

And then be all mad about it.

And you fell for it.

I'm goin' back to school.

No, you're not, 'cause i'm not givin' you

Any bus money till Sunday.

For the next two days, we are all gonna pretend

That we are one happy, happy family.

Bite it big time, high school boy.

Shove it.

[sighs] oh, I just love it

When a plan comes together.

What are you doin' here?

I'm...Sick.

[coughs]

Oh, so you're skippin' school, huh?

Darlene, please don't tell mom! Please!

Quit begging. The last thing I want to do

Is help her out. But she's gonna know what's goin' on

The minute she waddles through that door.

How come?

Clues, bonehead.

Mom monitors the chips.

No. See, I put these back in the cabinet,

And before she finds 'em, I say,

"who ate all the chips?"

And then mom thinks dad did, and dad thinks mom did,

And then they get into a big fight.

Good one, Deej. Have you written a note yet?

Yep.

Nice crumpling.

Detracts from the handwriting,

Yet leaves the note legible.

D.J., this signature is pathetic.

What's wrong with it?

Well, moms usually sign their name

Without erasing a bunch of times.

Look.

Here's how mom signs her name.

Now, take this upstairs

And practice for a couple hours.

A couple of hours?

I might as well be in school!

Well, yeah, but unlike what you learn in sixth grade,

Forgery's a skill you can use the rest of your life.

Hey, Darlene, how come you're being so nice to me?

Ah, you're wise to be suspicious.

But you see, the enemy of my enemy

Is my friend, grasshopper.

Hey. Hey. What's for dinner?

Well, because it's darlene's first night back,

I'm making vegetarian lasagna.

Don't worry. I used meat.

Ah.

Now, don't hold that too close to your crotch.

We're tryin' to have a baby.

What happened to the chips?

Dan, did you eat the chips?

I didn't eat the chips.

Well, I didn't eat 'em.

This is the exact same chip fight we had yesterday.

Yeah, 'cause you called me a hog.

Well, then you called me a cow.

And didn't D.J. start the whole thing?

I ate the chips.

Oh, well, that's just great, Darlene.

Now we're not gonna have a crunchy crust on the lasagna.

Well, whoever ate the chips has to set the table.

Hey, Darlene, need some help?

D.J., don't tease your sister.

Yeah, Deej. You wanna grab the silverware? Okay.

Dan.

Dan, come quick.

What?

Something's wrong with the children.

Hey, D.J., forks go on the left.

The way I remember is

That "fork" and "left" both have four letters.

Cool.

Hey, Darlene, I just thought of another one.

"knife" and "right" both have five letters.

Good one, Deej.

[quavering] oh, i'm a-scared, Rosie, i'm a-scared.

[telephone rings]

Hello?

Uh...Mrs. Conner doesn't live here.

You need to call... Next-door!

Darlene!

What?

That was my school. I think they know.

Well, how many days did you miss last week?

Five.

Brilliant, d.J. Don't you know

If you miss a whole week, they always check?

I didn't know! What am I gonna do?!

He shouldn't be skippin' school, Darlene.

If your mother asks me, i'm not gonna lie to her.

Fine. Be a wimp.

No, Darlene. The whole time I was with you,

I was a wimp. Now i'm strong.

It's too bad you picked such a stupid thing to be strong about.

You're just mad 'cause you can't control me anymore.

I don't know why I ever even bothered to control you.

Well, if you think that i'm gonna-- [telephone rings]

Aaahh!

[ring]

Way to keep your cool, Deej.

Hello. Yeah, this is Mrs. Conner.

Yeah, D.J.'s been real sick.

It's--it's some sort of stomach bug.

We've all got it.

Well, I--I feel

Like I gotta throw up right now.

No, it's all right. It's a cordless. You can come along.

See?

Yeah! Sucker!

Careful, Deej. He's strong now.

I don't like deliverin' in this part of town.

There's some scary types down there.

Yeah, well, if you see D.J. down there,

Tell him to be home by 6.

You figure out what he's up to yet?

No, not yet.

This one is gonna take some thought.

You know, he's workin' with a professional this time.

Darlene's just gettin' back

At your pathetic plan to get her and David together again.

Pathetic?

I'll tell you what's pathetic:

A 37-year-old delivery girl.

Fine! Then you take it!

Fine! I will! And then you can wait on Fred.

Here he comes.

Send him after me, and I swear i'll hit him with a bag of buns!

Hey.

Hey, Fred. [door closes]

Roseanne.

I heard jackie's havi'' a housewarming party.

I really need you to get me invited.

Well, I don't know, Fred. It's really not my, uh, style

To interfere in other people's lives.

Come on, Roseanne.

I need you on my side here.

I'd be so grateful if you could help me out.

Grateful...Enough to...

Buy Jackie a really nice gift?

What do you mean? Like...Jewelry?

Yeah, yeah. Like, you know, jewelry.

Or a microwave.

A microwave.

I guess you don't know beans about women, huh, Fred?

Um...See, uh,

This early in the relationship,

Jewelry would kinda say,

"here I am. I plan to smother you."

Whereas a microwave kinda goes like,

"I like you. Let's have some popcorn."

It seems to me the last time

I was over at your house,

Dan was working on your microwave.

Yeah. What are the odds?

So, what kind of a microwave

Did you have in mind...

For Jackie?

Well, she's a single gal,

So...She'll need a big one.

Got it.

Hey, Fred... How would you like

To come to jackie's housewarming party?

Why, Roseanne... I'd love to.

Well, it's been a pleasure

Doing business with you, Fred.

You know what? If you hurry,

You might...Catch Jackie out back.

Really? Thanks.

Watch out for buns.

Hello, Roseanne. I hope i'm not botherin' you.

I know how busy you can get plannin' a party.

What party?

Oh, why, mom, certainly you haven't forgotten

The happy, happy family surprise party

We're throwin' for jackie's housewarming.

I suppose I know why I wasn't invited.

I already gave my gift--

The house.

Well, um, mom, see...

Okay. All right, i'll tell ya.

It's not just a housewarming party for Jackie.

It was also going to be

A surprise thank-you party for you

For lending Jackie the down payment money.

It is?!

Yes, but Darlene wrecked the surprise

And nearly ruined our happy, happy family.

Oh, Roseanne, i'm sorry,

But I don't want a big party.

Well... It's too late.

But i'll be embarrassed

If everyone buys me a present.

Well, I can take care of that.

This is so touching! I don't know what to say!

Well, see you Sunday.

So.

I guess now the score is even.

Things can get back to normal.

Now you can rat out your little brother.

Come on, D.J., let's go to the movies. My treat.

D.J.

Here's the deal.

You tell me what rotten thing you're up to...

And I will punish Darlene

And buy you ice cream.

Don't look at Darlene!

I haven't been up to anything.

After you, Deej.

Thanks, sis.

Damn.

Well, well, well.

D.J.

Look what I found in the garbage.

So?

I told you I didn't like it.

I bought my lunch.

Yeah? Well, I saw you leave home with it.

So I came back and threw it away.

I didn't want anybody to see me with that stupid bag.

Good one.

It's the truth.

You know, you think that darlene's helpin' you out,

But she really isn't. She tellin' me everything.

This whole thing is just a big plan that we worked out

To set you up.

No, it isn't.

How can you be sure?

'cause Darlene told me you'd say that.

[door closes]

Damn.

David, you're not a blood relative.

I think you may have an honest gene left in your body.

What's goin' on with d.J.?

I don't know anything, Mrs. Conner.

[sighs]

Very impressive, Darlene.

Very impressive.

I saw what just happened. Thanks.

Well, I didn't do it 'cause you wanted me to.

I did it 'cause i'm mad at your mother.

Besides, lying just seemed like the right thing to do.

Yeah, it usually is.

Watch out, Darlene.

You said somethin' to me without an insult.

Yeah. I'm tired.

You know, i'm not seeing anybody.

Are you?

Nah.

Although I am sleeping with several people.

You are?

Yeah. Mostly professors, mostly for grades.

[chuckles]

I miss you, Darlene.

Good.

Are we making up?

I hope so.

Okay, but just don't tell mom.

I don't want her to think her little plan worked.

You're not askin' me to lie again, are you

No. I'm tellin' you to.

We're back. Yeah.

[telephone rings]

Hello?

Just a minute.

Oh, mom!

Thanks, son. How's mom's lunch comin'?

Hello.

Yes, this is Mrs. Conner.

No. He hasn't been able to make it.

He's been very sick.

Don't mess with the master, Darlene.

You guys are in so much trouble.

I'm going to make you wish I was never born.

Oh, and by the way, I know

That you and David made up, too.

How'd you find out?

You just told me.

D.J., come on. I'm walkin' you to school today.

Oh, no. You're not goin' in that, are you?

Oh, no, D.J.

I wouldn't do that to you.

But...

I would do...

This.

And, look. I found your old sesame street lunchbox,

So you won't have to be embarrassed

With those big brown bags anymore.

Oh. Oh, oh. Oh, my. Just a minute.

Wait one minute here.

This is for when I kiss you good-bye.

Okay, come on. We need to hurry

'cause i've gotta make it up to Chicago to surprise your sister.

I want to get there in time for one of her big classes.

I'm going to dance for them.

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