Original subtitles

Okey-dokey, who wants what?

[guys, overlapping]

Yeah, okay, i'll remember that

For next time, but now, tuna for everyone.

I'm sure if you made it, Roseanne, it'll be delicious.

Cool it, Roger.

Dan doesn't like it when i'm lied to by other men.

Hey, 20 minutes till the movie; let's go.

Okay, hold on because I want you

To wear my coat with the big pockets

So we can sneak in our own drinks.

Why don't you wear it?

Well, they're on to me.

I'll be right back.

Well, isn't anyone going to introduce me?

I sorry. Nancy, the real world, the real world, Nancy.

Nancy, this is Roger, a good buddy of mine.

My pleasure.

Wait a minute, that accent,

You're not from Lanford, are you?

No, it's true.

I'm not from Lanford, but as a small boy in london,

I dreamed of one day seeing its sunny shores.

Know, I tried an accent once, but it didn't work for me.

People kept asking if I was wearing a retainer.

I think you've got a lovely voice.

Thank you.

Well, she's interesting.

More interesting than you know.

Yeah, listen, I don't think

You're gonna get anywhere with Nancy.

You see, she's-- guys, guys...

Just not in front of the kid.

Right. Let's play cards.

Yeah, sounds good. All right.

Dan, have you thought about going in

On that real estate deal with me and rog?

Yeah, sounds good, but there's no way I could do it.

Oh, everybody has that doubtful little voice inside their head,

But sometimes you just gotta ignore it.

Well, my little voice is extremely loud

Come on, Dan, i'm sure your wife can be persuaded.

Have you tried talking to her?

I tried, but her hair was full of snakes

And it just seemed like a bad time.

Ugh, they're taking forever.

Entertain me.

Gladly.

All right, i'm in for 50 cents.

I'll raise you 50 cents.

I'm out.

I'll see that 50 and raise you a dollar.

I think I should let you know I have no qualms

About taking money from a girl.

What about from a woman?

How 'bout from a little boy?

I'll see that and raise you a dollar.

Raise you two.

Raising you five.

Got any more money?

Yeah, I need--

Raise.

Take it.

Yes! I won with a pair of 4s.

Very impressive.

You, me, and lady luck should take a little trip

to Vegas sometime.

And he could hold the camera.

Okay, Nancy, we're all yours.

You're not going.

She takes my money.

And you, Roseanne, take my heart.

Open the trophy case, honey, we got another heart.

Stay foreign; it really works for you.

That Nancy reminds me of my first girlfriend.

Maybe you should introduce them.

I don't know, Roger.

I don't think you're her type.

Guys, please.

And what kind of guy does she go for?

The kind that wears a bra. She's into chicks.

Deal the cards.

[laughing]

[knocking at door]

Hi, Darlene.

I was looking for your mom.

Yonder.

So, things are pretty exciting around school

With the prom and everything, huh?

Did you guys vote for a theme?

Yeah, I voted for "just say 'yes'".

Did it win?

No, I don't think so.

Are you guys going?

Probably not.

You know, a lot of people are going.

A lot of people that you wouldn't think are going are going.

A lot of people who thought they'd be home that night

Are actually going.

Pat, i'd like to solve the puzzle, please.

Charlotte, are you going to the prom?

Yes! James Carpenter asked me!

I don't think I know him.

Oh, well, you know, he's missed a lot of school lately

Because he's been really sick, but he's in band.

Not the marching band, but he sure hopes to be.

That's great. When did he ask you?

He--he didn't exactly.

His mom had to 'cause he hasn't gotten his voice back yet.

I gotta go talk to Roseanne.

I mean, I just can't believe that i'm going to the prom.

[squeals, laughs]

[mock squeals]

Man, it would almost be worth going

Just to sit there and laugh at everyone.

You're not serious.

Well, if we really are going to new york,

This could be our only chance to go to a prom.

All of our friends will be there.

David, all of our friends are in this room.

Well, you know, it doesn't matter what I like;

It's your prom.

You know, I think I really like the yellow.

You do?

You know, the blue?

Eh, it's all right.

The pink?

Oh, yeah, the pink. Yeah.

I didn't say I wanted to go.

I just said it might be interesting.

The only way i'm going to the prom

Is if I can sit in the rafters with a bucket of pig's blood.

I gotta get going.

Darlene, you know, I really hope that you change your mind

Because, well, you can't be voted prom queen

Unless you're at the prom.

You're not helping, Charlotte.

I'm sorry, it's just that i'm so excited.

[squealing, laughing]

[mock squeals]

Darlene, please, just think about it?

Listen, David.

Let me tell you something about girls here.

If you really want Darlene to go to the prom with you,

Then go over there and ask her properly.

All right.

Darlene, will you please go to the prom with me?

[women laughing]

Forget about it.

What's his problem?

Ah, well.

Oh, Darlene, this may be hard for us women to understand,

But sometimes, a guy, he needs

To get all gussied up and go out on the town

So he can show off his new hat.

Yeah, well, i'm not going.

It's against everything I stand for.

Well, you know, it's not just for David.

I mean, before I die, I would like to see

One of my kids go out that door in a prom dress.

And if it's not you, D.J.'s gonna be real unhappy.

I got better stuff to do with my time.

I'll let you stay out till 2.

Oh, you gotta be kidding.

Make it 6 and we'll talk.

3, but you gotta wear a dress and let me take a picture of you

In front of the fireplace and then parade you around

In front of the neighbors.

4:00, dress, one picture, no parade.

3:30, picture on fridge. Deal?

Deal. But I keep the negative.

love is the love is the

love is the love is the

love is the love is the law

oh, love, love, love, love

love is the law

oh, love, love, love, love

love is the law

[saxophone]

[crowd cheering]

[slow]

See, this isn't so bad.

Do you wanna stay for the rest of prom night?

Well, since it means so much to you, we could stay.

Thank you.

I wanted to surprise you; I rented a motel room.

I wanted tonight to be the night.

But, you know, this is cool too.

[high voice] oh, Ms. Connor, your prom date is here.

Oh, don't hate me because i'm beautiful.

Oh, man,

You dressed like that in front of the fridge,

I've died and gone to heaven.

Hi, i'm here.

My butt's too big for this dress.

Oh, you look great. Doesn't she, Dan?

Dress and butt in perfect harmony.

Thanks. I'm just not sure about this.

Does roger know i'm coming? [doorbell rings]

No. It's not like you're going to be his date or anything.

It's just a whole bunch of us puttin' on our formal attire

And going out to, like, celebrate our own prom,

Except for this time, we're really, really old.

Well, i'm just not sure i'm ready for it.

Well, we just want an even number

Of boys and girls, okay?

And Roger's really cool. He's really nice.

And plus, he sounds like ringo.

And who likes rRngo?

I like Ringo.

[Dan] Roseanne, Jackie,

Look who's here.

Oh, roger brought a date.

And roger's date is Nancy.

Nancy and roger are-- are dating.

Hope you don't mind the tag-along.

Happy prom, everyone.

All I know is heaven must be missing an angel tonight.

Oh, spread it on thick, baby.

How come you never say anything neato like that?

Baby, somebody whipped up on you with the pretty stick.

Ah, shut up.

[anne-marie] hey, Jackie.

I didn't know you were coming with us.

I'm not.

I'm--I just came over to do my laundry.

Everything else was dirty.

God, i'm so sorry.

Come on, you'll still go with us.

No, actually, it's good.

I'm really not ready for dating yet.

Are you sure? Yeah, i'm sure.

Okay, well, i'm glad you're okay,

'cause, I mean, i've got to find out

How come Nancy's going back to men.

Nancy, Anne-Marie, a little hen party in the kitchen!

Wow, Nancy, what's going on?

I thought you were our little gay friend.

So?

So, can't you get kicked out of the club for this?

What? He's-- he's a nice guy

And he worships me.

Yeah, but I mean, you know, he's an outie, not an innie.

You just don't get how it works.

Please don't label me.

I am a people person.

God, now i'm losing men to lesbians.

Champagne, ladies?

Thank god you're back.

For the last 45 seconds, my life lost all meaning.

What are we celebrating?

I sold a house today.

Made a small fortune; dinner's on me.

[everyone cheering]

That's great.

I really wish you'd reconsider letting Dan in

On this deal with us, Roseanne.

Then we'd be toasting more often.

What deal?

Trust me, Rosie. It's not for us.

I wanna know.

Well, all right.

We buy run-down houses cheap, fix them up ourselves,

And then sell them before the mortgage and taxes are due.

Next time, dan's name could be on this check.

Oh, man. How come you didn't tell me about this?

This is perfect for you.

Because I knew you'd say no.

Oh, right. So now you know what i'm always gonna say.

Oh, hey, I take $5,000, I put it into this and I lose it

And you're not gonna be mad?

No, not if it's something that you really wanna do, Dan.

I mean, all your moping around and whining

How you wanna do something special.

And now, something great like this comes along

And you say no without even asking me.

Come on, guys, give peace a chance.

Roseanne, I can turn this down if I want to.

Fine, you can turn it down, but don't be blaming me

Like, you know, I won't let you do nothing,

Making everybody think that your shrew of a wife

Is telling you what to do

All the time.

On a count of three, we go for the door.

I'm sorry i've made everybody in the room

Think that you're a shrew, Roseanne.

Good thing you were here to clear your good name.

Oh, they're not thinking that i'm a shrew;

They're thinking that you're an idiot.

They think i'm an idiot for marrying a shrew.

Go on.

Isn't that just like you, starting a big fight on a night

When somebody else was gonna pay for dinner!

Still?

I just can't believe this is happening.

I'm ready all the time.

I'm--i'm ready in school.

I'm ready at the dinner table.

Why can't I be ready in a motel room?

Don't ask me; i've never done this before.

Well, neither have I.

Maybe if you'd just stop pushing me,

It would happen by itself.

What do you mean "pushing you"?

Well, Darlene, you just sprang this on me.

I thought we were just going to the prom.

You mean you weren't gonna try to have sex with me tonight?

Yes, I was, but then I would have been the one who started it.

Okay, fine. You can start it.

I'll just lie here and watch tv, and then when you're ready,

Just come on over and...Start.

[saxophone, on tv]

[sighs]

[cloth movement]

Okay.

Damn it!

Now my arms and legs are starting to go numb.

I'm sorry, David; I know how much you wanted this to happen.

Darlene, just please stop talking.

You say anything else, it might disappear altogether.

How do you think this makes me feel?

I'm the only thing in the world that doesn't turn you on.

Come on, you know that's not it.

Well, I don't get it. I mean, I know you wanna do it.

Maybe you just don't wanna do it with me.

No, no, no. I'm just--

I'm really scared.

I just always figured that when we did do it,

That you really wouldn't want to

And that you'd just be doing it for me,

So then, I wouldn't have to be good.

Well, I just wanted to be with you.

I never expected you to be good.

I just can't see how this is happening.

My mom probably put something in the food.

Whoa, score, and on the first try.

Is that some sort of slam about last night?

No, I totally forgot about last night.

It's like it never happened.

Oh, that's it.

This conversation's over.

Hey, how was the prom?

Was it everything you expected?

Not exactly.

Where'd you go after? Did you go out to the--

We went out driving.

All night?

Well, let's see, the prom ended at about 12:15

And from there we went over to Sharna's.

And we were there from about 12:30 until 2,

And then from there we went to this other party

Over at Suderat's and we were there till, like, 3.

And then we just had to take people home,

So we didn't get back here till about 5 of 4.

Wow, you did have a busy night.

Well, it's 3 P.M., i'm going in the other room.

I should be there about 3:01.

Hey.

Did you talk to Darlene about the prom?

No, what was the death count?

They got in really late and I was talking to 'em

And they had some pretty quick answers

About where they'd been and when and it was prom night,

And I got to thinking about when you and I were kids,

And I think they had sex.

Okay.

Well, don't go crazy, Roseanne.

Let's just stay calm and we can work it out.

What's there to work out? They had sex.

Well, great. Darlene is a woman now.

Good. Maybe she can do her own laundry.

Don't you want to talk to Darlene about it?

No, Jackie. I don't even wanna know about it.

Millions of people's kids have sex every day and they don't know about it.

How come I have to know about it?

Well--

No, I mean, how come I have to know about it?

How come my kids always make sure

I find out about every damn thing they do?

I wanna be in the dark, Jackie.

I wanna walk around

With a great, big, stupid smile on my face

Like everybody else's parents in the whole damn world.

Well, maybe they didn't do it.

Oh, they did it!

Of course they did it.

And you're okay with that?

No!

But what am I supposed to do?

I gave her the birth control speech.

She's seen the "how a condom works" puppet show.

David's a good kid and he really cares about her

And at least he washes.

I know that because I do his towels.

I can't believe how well you're taking it.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, soon as D.J.'s old enough to do it,

Him and his girlfriend, they'll be doin' it right there

On the other end of the couch while i'm sittin'

On the other end just watching tv

And I won't even notice a damn thing.

Hey.

I've been to the store.

I've purchased ice cream and beer.

Oh, perfect. We can make floats.

So, are we making up now?

Nope, we're celebrating.

I went into business with Roger, put in $5,000.

Where'd you get $5,000?

[gasps]

You finally took all them empty pop bottles back.

Nope. Lumber yard gave me five grand worth of credit.

The conners are now the proud owner of a depressed property.

Wow, great. Now we got a set.

I'm kinda nervous about this, honey.

I hope you're making me do the right thing.

I really think it's gonna be good.

Yeah, me too.

So, what else has been going on around here?

Did I miss anything?

Nope, same old, same old.

[kissing sounds]

[David] Darlene, I really appreciate you

Being so understanding about last time.

[Darlene] it's okay, David. I love you.

[David] I love you, too.

[Darlene] so, are we ready to have sex?

[David] I think I just did.

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