Original subtitles

I'm never shopping again on Christmas Eve.

Is there anything even left on the shelves?

Oh, tons. D.J.'s getting a thousand q-tips.

No reason, just 'cause I love him.

Well, at least you got him something off his list.

You know, mom, I was thinking,

And I decided that I really don't want to be there to,

You know, interrupt your reunion with Becky

And nana Mary, and--

Forget about it, Darlene.

The entire family's got to be together tonight.

And no matter how many blood tests I take

To disprove it, you're a member of this family.

I won't be that late, it's just that

David's parents are leaving and he has to baby-sit

His little sisters all alone.

All alone on christmas eve.

I'll give you five bucks.

You're gonna miss it's a wonderful life.

Well, it's on again at 9, and 9:30, and 11,

And at midnight in Spanish.

"una vida wonderfulmente."

Okay, but you be home by 8.

And for every minute you're late,

That's another time you've got to listen to

It's a Jim Nabors christmas.

Hold it.

What?

Five bucks.

This way she doesn't have to be wracked with guilt.

Roseanne?

What, are you gonna be late, too?

No, I'm not coming at all.

It's just, I--

I'm sorry, but Fisher and I are a new couple

And we're just trying to develop some "us" time.

Oh, god, that's totally gross.

That is your therapist talking.

No, it couldn't be, because I stopped going to my therapist.

Why? You can't be cured.

Fisher says I don't need it anymore.

When you're able to make your own decisions.

Stop harping on my driving, mother.

You pump the brake.

When there's ice and snow on the road, you pump the brake.

I was pumping it.

Pump this.

Oh, hello, girls.

Look, a freaking white christmas.

How you doing?

Oh, enormous corns.

Here, Roseanne, take off my boots, please.

All right.

So now, you have had these off in the last year, right?

Look at that, completely dry.

When I wear baggies on my feet,

They're dry as a bone.

Jackie, here, feel my feet.

No. Aw, come on, feel my feet.

Go on, Jackie, you know you want to.

Yeah, that's dry.

Baggies!

I think I felt a corn.

Come on, mother, let me show you the kitchen.

Come on. Come on, dear.

Oh, I can't wait.

"dear diary, what did I do today?

Today I looked at a kitchen."

You're not leaving me alone with the Judds tonight, Jackie.

[laughing]

Okay, Deej, what does mom's card say we're supposed to do?

"put turkey in oven. Turn oven on.

Close oven door."

Ready?

I guess so.

Let's do it.

Man, I hate cooking.

Me, too.

Yoo-hoo! Happy holidays!

[Marla] hi, guys.

How's it going?

We're spent.

Question, Nance:

Is there any circumstance under which you would

Ice and then oil a potato?

No.

Okay, then that's slice and boil.

D.J., go wash your hands. You're smudging the cards.

Where do you want me to put the gifts? Oh, in the living room.

Did you guys bring your presents, too?

Oh, that's okay.

We already gave each other our gifts earlier.

D.J., would you, uh--

Hey, how about grabbing the rock salt, going out

And salting the driveway?

Okay.

Could you guys cool it with the, ya know,

Giving each other presents in front of the kid?

What?

I got her some earrings and she gave me a sweater.

Yeah, that's what I meant.

I don't want him to be jealous.

It's cool, Dan. I get it.

We know how hard you've been trying to deal with all this,

And I just want you to know that we really appreciate it.

Yeah, you know...

Some guys wouldn't know...

Who wants a beer?

I'll get 'em.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Hey, Beck, where are ya?

Oh, no, you're kidding.

I'm just glad you guys were smart enough

To get off the road.

Give me the number of the motel.

No, yeah, i'll tell her you can't make it.

Sure, we can just send the gifts to each other.

'course, we were gonna get you that washer and dryer.

And that speed boat, that'll be kind of hard to ship.

You guys got one of those dancing beer cans?

Okay. Yeah.

Well, we're gonna miss you, too.

Yeah, bye.

Oh, hey listen, Beck, yeah.

Tell me about that apartment of yours.

Yeah, no kidding? Burned down?

Boy, that's a shame.

Oh, Dan, you know Becky could be here if she really wanted to.

Did you tell her we're having stove top?

Yeah, okay. Bye.

What happened?

Becky got snowed in in Wisconsin.

Oh, no.

I don't think we're going anywhere, either.

They haven't plowed yet, and the cars are buried.

Oh, man.

I'm going out to the car and get our stuff.

I mean, it's times like these when people start looting.

Beverly, come on.

Slow down, mother.

Yeah, remember your age.

You've got a daughter in a retirement home.

Thanks a lot, Roseanne.

Had to make us stay and work late, didn't you?

I hope you know you ruined my entire evening.

Well, what about me?

I wanted to be with my loved ones tonight

And now I got stuck with you guys.

Oh, I see what's going on.

You're going to spend all night ragging on everybody and making them miserable.

Sure, fun for you. What about the rest of us?

What happened?

Apparently, I didn't move fast enough for her,

So she shoved my-- how'd you put it, mother?

"my big butt"? Into a snowbank.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Roseanne, where did you hide the scotch?

What are you doing out of your room?

We want to wait up and see santa.

Well, come on over here, lisa and nicky,

And I'll tell you a little christmas bedtime story.

We like Rudolph.

Well, good for you.

Anyway, once upon a time,

There were these two little girls, just like you guys.

And they wanted to wait up all night to see Santa Claus.

Did they see him? They sure did.

And it was the most amazing thing they ever saw. Really?

Yeah, but it was also the last thing they ever saw.

Because, you know, I don't know if you guys know this,

But Santa's elves have orders to grab all the little children

Who try and catch a peek at Santa and poke their eyes out.

Why do you think they wear the pointy shoes?

Good night. Good night.

Oh, I love kids.

The coast is clear for a little while.

Can this be, you know, the night?

I don't know, why don't we just see what happens?

'cause nothing ever does happen

And it's frustrating as hell, Darlene.

[tv, indistinct]

What are you doing?

What you want. Nothing.

So what, now we can't even kiss

Unless i'm ready to go all the way?

I don't know, why don't we just see what happens?

What are you doing?

Forget this. I'm outta here.

Fine, you want to go, go.

Oh, merry christmas.

[tv] can't you come out tonight can't you come out tonight

buffalo girls, can't you come out tonight

can't you come out tonight, can't you come out tonight

All right, i'm back.

Don't get excited.

I basically chose you over death.

[tv] by the light of the moon

I don't care, Darlene.

There's no adult there, I want you to go home right now.

C'mon, mom, you know I vowed never to use

My teleportation powers for personal gain.

Trust me, David and I are fighting.

Nothing's gonna happen tonight.

All right, damn it, but don't you stay up too late.

Remember what I told you about santa's elves

And their pointy shoes.

Bye.

Well, it's beginning to look a lot like crap.

Roseanne, if I gave you your presents now,

Would you shut up?

[in unison] yay!

Presents!

Bring me those bags.

Here.

Wow, oh my god!

This is awesome, it's some real expensive camera.

Look at this, a portable phone!

Wrong presents. Crap.

These are for Aunt Sonia's kids.

Here, yours are over there.

Oh, wow, a salad spinner.

And a cutting board in the shape of a rooster.

Well, I don't mean to sound ungrateful or anything,

But these gifts suck.

Sonia's kids got all that really cool stuff.

I thought we were you favorite grandkids.

You are, you are.

Eventually, eventually,

I'm gonna have to go live with somebody.

They got a pool.

Well, just promise us that you'll linger

Long enough to be a huge burden.

That reminds me!

Last week I saw your dead Grandpa Marvin.

He looked wonderful.

When do we get to open some presents?

Oh, come on, Deej, we made a deal:

No opening presents until everyone gets here.

Oh, Dan...

You know, when I was a kid, my folks always let me open

Just one present early.

Yeah, well, I bet your folks loved you.

All right, you little mooch.

Yes!

Just one.

[rattles]

Clothes.

Clothes.

Clothes.

Great, now I can invite all of my friends over

To play with my bathrobe.

You know what, D.J.,

Let's open up our gift.

I bet you're gonna like it.

Okay.

Here.

Cool, a remote control car!

Vroom! Thank you!

Right. Out of here.

[laughing]

So, Dan, where'd you stash the toys?

In the closet or the garage?

Neither. Those are toys.

We wrapped them in clothes.

[oven buzzer]

I guess it's tough raising a kid, huh?

Yeah, well, I guess that's something you won't have to worry about, huh?

What does that mean?

Well, you know, about having kids and all.

I wanna have kids.

You do?

Well, didn't you kinda ruin your chance,

I mean, with Arnie, you know?

Well, I don't think that was exactly the right situation

To have a kid in, you know?

Yeah, who wants to shave the back of a six-month-old baby?

I think it might be the right time now.

I mean, I know it's early in our relationship,

But, you know, at some point I think marla and I

Could get pregnant and have a baby.

Can you explain to me how you could do that

Without being at all specific?

Sure, Dan, it's easy.

You just get some sperm--

Too specific.

Here, you finish this.

Oh, come on! You really think Grandpa Marvin

Would come all the way back from his grave

Just to ask nana where his brown slacks are?

I think your nana's just plain losing it.

All this talk about an afterlife is nonsense.

When you're gone, you're gone.

The end.

Oh, so, what?

Next thing you know, you're going to tell me

That you don't believe in god anymore neither.

Well, is that a yes or a no?

Well, i'm sorry, Roseanne,

But 25 years of your husband cheating

Tends to shake your faith.

Man.

You'd think somebody with a lousy life like yours

Would believe more.

Can we just drop this, please?

No, we can't just drop this.

You think you're the only person that's been through stuff?

I've been through stuff.

But I still believe in god, you know.

I mean, I'd like to believe that

All the horrible, hideous crap that I have to wallow through

Every single day of my life,

That at some point I will find out the meaning to

And the reason for, I mean,

So I can be happy, you know what I mean?

There just is a god. There is.

I swear to god there's a god.

And if there ain't, I've been screwed.

Why are we talking about this?

God and heaven and everything.

It's christmas.

No, it isn't.

It's just another screwed-up day,

The most screwed-up day this screwed-up family ever has.

Everybody's everywhere doing everything.

Nobody's doing anything together.

And the only person that makes any effort at all

To be with this family is Grandpa Marvin, and he's dead.

Well, let's do something festive.

Right, Nana Mary?

Nana Mary?

[snores]

Oh my god, that would have been really spooky timing.

I think we're scaring ourselves.

I suggest we try to get some sleep.

Roseanne.

I know how to get you back in the holiday spirit.

How?

Let's decorate Nana Mary.

We can't do that.

She's our grandmother. Don't you remember--

Salad spinner.

I'll get the tinsel.

Girls!

Stop that, you're being stupid and childish!

Everyone knows you string lights from the top.

What's this?

Bought it for you, you might as well open it.

Oh, yeah, right.

Here.

Oh, wow, these are, like, professional drawing pens.

I can't keep these.

Whoa, a real animation cell.

This must have cost a bundle.

Thanks.

God, it's snowing like a banshee out there.

Took me an hour to walk two blocks.

Hi, Mrs. Healy.

Darlene.

Wasn't expecting you here.

Yeah, well, I kinda got stuck here.

I hope you don't mind if I sleep over.

Well, isn't that convenient.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Hi, dad, yeah. She just got home.

Hi, honey.

No, I was at work.

Really? When did you call?

Oh, well, I got finished early

And I went to maggie's and I just got here.

What are you doing, checking up on me?

Look, fine. You don't believe it?

I'm sick of this, okay?

How many times did your father call?

He hasn't.

But Aunt Maggie called.

She's been looking for you all night.

Well, we all know she's full of it.

She doesn't know what she's talking about.

Woman doesn't know what's happening

One minute to the next.

Sure, mom.

What, you calling me a liar?

No, I just said that she called.

What the hell do you care?

You really want to know what I was doing tonight?

Because I will tell you. Shut up, mom.

Don't you tell me to shut up, this is my house. Why'd you even come home?

You apologize.

You apologize to me!

I'm sorry.

Telling me what to do

When you've got your little girlfriend spending the night.

Dragging conner trash over here.

Another slut just like her sister.

Darlene, i'm sorry.

Hey, "slut" didn't bother me.

"just like her sister" part that hurt.

[tv] Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, George.

Merry Christmas, movie house!

Merry Christmas, Emporium!

A tape! Mom, great.

Those glorious hollywood musicals.

I hope you don't have it.

Not this volume.

Good, I had an awful time finding it.

Isn't it funny

That that one special gift you're looking for

Always happens to be at the very last car wash you go to?

That explains my windshield compass.

So, what time did Nancy and Marla leave?

About an hour ago.

After their sixth encounter under the mistletoe.

Well, you know what they say, Dan,

Every time lesbians kiss, another angel gets her wings.

Morning.

Hey, everybody, how's it going? Hey, Nana Mary.

Hello, Darlene. Here.

Hey, you get over here. We're opening presents.

How was your night?

Oh, it was okay.

David and I made up.

Oh, so, what, did you make up part of the way,

Or did you make up completely?

No, mom, it was after Mrs. Healy got home.

Good, at least you weren't there alone.

Yeah.

Well, I'm gonna go upstairs.

Will you save me some yams? I'll be right back down.

Yeah.

See, mom? I told you there's a god.

[tv] every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings.

That's right. That's right.

Atta-boy, Clarence.

for auld lang syne...

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