Original subtitles

Can I help?

Well, it's kind of a one-man job, Deej.

I thought you were playing video games.

I was, but I can't move my fingers anymore.

I got a tongue twister.

Okay, pal, let's hear it.

Six sick sheep-- no, wait.

Six sick sheik's sheep-- no, wait.

Six sick sheep--

Hey, Deej, why don't you call a friend?

I don't have any friends.

Well, let's talk about this.

What happened to the friends you made

Playing soccer last year?

They wanted to shave my head

And paint it black and white.

Well, why don't we pick another sport?

Go get the catalog from the parks department.

Let's pick something we can both play.

The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick.

Hey, how 'bout hockey?

Oh, hockey, it's, uh, it's cold, it's wet.

There's all that skating.

You can skate, can't you?

How 'bout wrestling?

You know, the old man was almost a state champ back in high school.

Were you ever in a cage match?

Only with your mom.

How 'bout weight training?

What's that?

That's where you lift weights.

Then what?

Then you--you put 'em back down again.

How 'bout, uh, basketball? Nah.

Bowling? Boxing?

Handball? Shot put?

[sigh]

What else they got?

Hey, here's something cool!

Tap dancing!

Hockey it is.

And I'm gonna be late for school.

Oh, he's still over at the skating rink

Learning how to play hockey with your dad.

D.J.'s gonna play hockey?

He can't even walk on land.

Oh, Darlene,

Try to be a little more positive about it.

Think about all the cute things

We'll be able to write on his cast.

Yeah, you're right.

Hockey could be his sport.

He's used to being chased

By people with sticks.

[Dan] yo! We need a medic in here.

Oh, my god. D.J.

[Dan groans]

Dan, what happened?

Nothing.

I had a little trouble

Coming out of my triple lutz

When I tried to grab my skate behind my head.

Mom, I'm gonna be

A professional hockey player.

Great! We'll save all that money on toothpaste.

Go ahead up and change your clothes.

He shoots, he scores!

Man, I don't think there's an inch of that rink

My butt didn't get to know intimately.

Okay, well, we know you suck. How about D.J.?

Well, you know how when they choose sides

And some guy always gets picked last?

D.J. Would be right behind him.

Well, can he at least skate?

Yeah, he can skate.

He just can't stop.

Honey, I'm really hurting here.

Can you give me a pillow and a heating pad?

Yeah, sure.

Boy, you had to do

That big macho hockey stuff, huh?

Couldn't take a little tap dancing.

Dad? Huh?

Tryouts are tomorrow morning at 5.

I want to practice some before,

So can we get there an hour early?

Sure.

[knock on door]

Come in!

Hey, Dan. Roseanne around?

I brought over some new menu designs.

Are you all right?

Yeah. D.J.'s into hockey now,

And I was just trying to teach him

How to take a fall.

He's a slow learner.

You're kidding.

I was all-pee wee two years in a row.

I probably got some stuff that'll fit him.

Hey! Maybe I could even show him a few moves.

Great.

He's got a tryout tomorrow morning at 5.

Gee, maybe I shouldn't.

Sounds like a father/son kind of thing.

Hey, fisher. Hey, Roseanne.

I got to go, so just give me a call.

Let me know which one of these you like. Okay.

Better keep Dan off his feet.

That shouldn't be too hard.

I'll just strap a pair of skates on him.

Hit the bull's-eye, mommy.

Come back.

Whoa!

Oh, you know,

My body used to be able to take a hit.

Play four quarters of football,

Still go out and party that night.

Well, I hate to be the one

To break this to you, Dan,

But it's not like you've got the body

Of some greek god anymore.

Now it's more like you got the body

Of, you know, some greek guy.

Wow! These menus are great.

Yeah. Fisher says he normally charges $200.

What's he gonna charge us?

Well, I told him he could marry Jackie,

And then we'd make up the difference.

You know, I tried to get a hold of her last night.

Have you seen her? No.

She was supposed to come over to my house for dinner last night,

But you know how some people are.

They totally forget their family

When a man gets involved.

Something came up, okay?

Oh, something came up. Excuse me.

Oh, sure is fun working with sisters.

Sorry, Roseanne.

Fisher and I needed to resolve

Some problems in our relationship,

And then we broke up.

Oh, you're kidding, right?

No.

[gasp] that pig!

How could he dump you?

Roseanne.

No, this is gonna turn out to be

The very best thing that's ever happened to you, trust me.

Fisher has got nothing going.

He's just a kid.

He's got nothing going on at all.

He didn't break up with me.

I broke up with him.

Are you out of your mind? Why would you do that?

He's the perfect guy for you.

It was inevitable, Roseanne.

We went to the lobo last weekend,

And I went into the bathroom.

I came out, and he was talking to this woman

Who was, like, his own age.

He's flirting, okay?

So you cut him off for a couple of weeks.

No. He wasn't flirting, Roseanne.

They were just talking, and then it hit me.

They looked really right together.

He and I are never gonna look that way.

Oh, you guys look really great together.

You're so cute, I swear,

It makes me want to retch, honest.

It's so obvious,

And it's only a matter of time

Before he sees it, too,

And dumps me for a younger woman,

So I dumped him before he could dump me.

See, if you're gonna go disqualify

Everyone that's gonna dump you,

You're never gonna go out on a date again.

I have had enough therapy to know

When i'm in a self-destructive relationship.

And since I can't break up with you,

Then i'm gonna deal with this one.

Hey, you're not even listening to me!

No, you're not listening to me.

If you can't support me, then stay out of it.

Oh, that is so unfair.

You know I can't stay out of it.

I'll support your mistake.

Thank you.

[knocking]

I made the team!

I'm an otter! I'm a fighting otter!

All right, D.J.!

How about a sandwich for the newest otter?

You go wash up. I'll make you one.

Yeah, the conner dynasty continues.

I knew he had to have some of the old man in him.

What, did they take everybody?

Just the ones that showed up.

Is he gonna get to play?

Only if he brings a deck of cards.

It's a lost cause.

It's too bad fisher had to get up at 4 in the morning to coach him.

Fisher? What was fisher--

No, never mind. I don't care.

I don't want to know.

I'm going to go get some cheese for D.J.

[blubbering]

What was that all about?

Okay.

Under the category "failed relationships" for 200,

The answer is "Jackie and Fisher."

Roseanne, no.

I can't go through a breakup right now.

It's a bad time with D.J. And all.

Well, this time, it's gonna be different.

It'll be the same as all the others.

She's gonna fall apart,

And then we have to put the pieces back together.

How could he dump her right now

When i'm at my most vulnerable?

Brace yourself, Dan-- she dumped him.

She dumped him?

Wow. He didn't say anything about it

At practice this morning.

Well, that's 'cause he's a man.

You know, he probably didn't want to ruin

Some precious hockey moment

With some stupid outpouring of emotion.

Here we go, D.J., my little otter.

Fighting otter.

Fierce fighting otter.

So how is hockey going?

Great.

Uh-huh. And how is that coach of yours?

You know, Fisher?

He's cool.

Oh, great. Did he mention me?

Yeah. What did he say?

He said you guys went to a hockey game once.

How did he say it? Did he seem depressed?

Has he lost any weight?

Is he seeing someone else? Talk to me, D.J.

Mom!

Okay, here's the pizza. How's Jackie?

She's calmed down a lot. Now she's just hysterical.

Darlene, I need ice cream.

What about the pizza?

No, she's right past the chewy manic phase

Into the ice cream depression.

Oh, man. How much longer is this gonna last?

[Roseanne] who knows?

This may sound medieval,

But there are still working convents.

I can't believe you people.

She's always gonna be there for us,

And we are gonna be there for her

For as long as it takes.

Or until I can figure out

How to get her the hell out of here.

Here you go, honey.

Your favorite-- chocolate chocolate chip.

Ahem.

How are you doing?

Ha ha.

Fisher liked ice cream.

Well, that's a rare trait to find in a man,

But there'll be other guys.

I'm 37.

I'm 37 years old.

I had my first real date when I was 15.

That's 22 years' worth of dating.

You'd think that in 22 years,

Mr. Right would have shown up.

Well, he probably did,

But you were out on a date with some reject.

Maybe it's just a bad idea.

I'm gonna call fisher.

What are you doing?

Why aren't you stopping me?

It's a local call.

No matter what I do,

You can't let me call Fisher.

You're supposed to be my support!

If Fisher was here, he'd never let me pick up that phone.

Gee, let's give him a call and find out.

No.

Oh, come on. I want to hear his side of it.

What did he say when you broke up with him?

Not much. I did all the talking.

I just told him it was too intense.

He was bringing me flowers all the time.

He was calling me constantly.

It was, "I love you, I love you, I love you."

That bastard.

What else did you tell him?

That's about it.

You didn't tell him the real reason?

Why should I?

I know what the problems are, Roseanne.

He's too young for me.

He's not ready to get married,

And by the time he wants kids,

All my eggs will be dried up.

I really don't need

To hear him agree with me, okay?

Okay.

No, it's just crazy.

He's the right guy!

I broke up with him for the wrong reasons!

I'm gonna call him.

You stink at this.

Okay, Deej, this is how they line up for face-off.

Now, what position are you gonna play tonight?

The coach said i'd be equally good at any position.

You know, Deej,

It's not important how well you play

Or how much you play

Or even that you play at all.

What is important?

That's something you're gonna have to find out for yourself.

[Roseanne] hey, can we have the pizza in here?

Yeah, okay.

If I don't get it out there in 30 seconds,

It's free.

So, Deej, you really want to know

How to play hockey?

Yeah.

All right.

Say this guy's in front of you,

And he's got the puck.

What do you do?

Try and steal it from him?

No. You do this.

Any questions?

Well, there's a lot of excitement

Here at the Lanford arena

As we enter the second period

Of the otters' home opener.

The goalie is back from the restroom,

And the action is resuming,

And the Cinderella story of the evening

Continues to be young D.J. Conner on the ice,

Much to the surprise of his entire family.

And oh, there's a breakaway!

There's a breakaway!

Young conner moves towards the goal.

He shoots. Oh! He forgot the puck!

And, Roseanne, why don't you pick us up on the action?

Okay, uh, there's a little kid--

I don't know his name.

He shoots the puck to this other little kid,

And I don't know his name, either--

Okay, back to me!

What's your take on the game, Jackie?

[blow]

Back to me again.

[whistle blows]

Hey, that kid's a maniac!

Get him off the ice! He's gonna hurt somebody!

[crowd boos]

Wow. What a body check.

Who would have thought the little runt would be a thug?

Hey, it ain't his fault.

It's that one kid that took the puck.

Go over there and make sure he's all right.

Here you go, Deej. I got you nachos.

I'll bring you a drink next penalty.

You know, son, one more roughing call,

You get the hat-trick.

Oh, man.

Hey.

Hey. What are you doing here?

I came to see D.J. Play.

Is it all right if I sit down?

Yeah, sure.

So how's D.J. Doing?

I don't see him out there.

Oh, he's in his office.

Like he really cares.

What's that supposed to mean?

He just showed up here because he knew i'd be here.

I can't reach you on the phone. I don't want to talk to you.

This is totally unfair. You can't break up with someone without telling 'em why.

Tell him why, Jackie.

I don't have nothing to say.

And stay out of it for once, Roseanne.

Okay. Fine. It's your life.

[whistle blows]

She thinks the age difference is a problem.

You know, she thinks there's a huge gap

Between 25 and 37.

I thought you said you were 34.

Well, now, see?

This failure to communicate

Is maybe what's screwing up the relationship.

Shut up, Roseanne.

I know what you're doing.

Okay. Okay. I'm out of it.

She don't think you want to get married.

Don't-- I didn't say that!

Stop talking to him.

You did too say that.

You said by the time he's ready to have kids,

All your eggs is gonna be all dried up.

Can I say something here?

No. I think you should let her finish, okay?

She has a very important point to make, Fisher.

I mean, after all,

You probably will dump her for some younger woman.

Hold it. I can't believe you thought that.

As much fun as we have together,

I never think of you being older than me.

Oh... You really mean that?

Of course I mean it.

I never said I didn't want to get married or have kids.

We never even talked about it.

It's a real sensitive subject for me.

You know, this is crazy.

Why don't we go someplace?

We'll get some coffee and we'll talk about it.

Yeah, i'd really like that.

I was miserable without you.

Well, yeah, me, too.

Will you take your squabbling elsewhere

So I can see my kid play his last hockey game?

Okay, but next time, stay out of it.

Oh. You're welcome.

Where are they going?

They're going to try to figure out

How to thank me

For saving their miserable lives.

My hero.

Hey, look, they're gonna let the little monster out of his cage.

[chanting] D.J.! D.J.! D.J.!

D.J.! D.J.!

[thump]

Ooh!

[whistle blows] oh! Oh!

[crowd hisses, boos]

Where does a kid get that kind of hostility?

Did you see how hard I skated into that goalie?

When I hit him, I heard something pop.

Yeah, you never forget

The first time you take somebody out.

Lennie Dillon. 1964. Collarbone.

We still write.

Hockey's great.

You get to hurt guys and people clap.

Hey, you know the whole point

Isn't to hurt somebody, don't you?

Your mom's real worried

That if you keep slamming into people,

You're gonna break something.

But it's fun.

Yeah, it is, isn't it?

Here's to the roughest, toughest otter of 'em all--

The terminotter!

Dad.

Yeah.

Can I have a taste of your beer?

Nah, you're too young, Deej.

Just a sip?

Nah, you wouldn't like it.

Please?

Okay, but just one.

Remember that.

Hi. Roseanne around?

Yeah. She's in the living room.

Aunt Jackie, my knee's three different colors.

That's great, hon.

You must be really proud, Dan.

Roseanne, I've got something to tell you.

Well, I hope it's good news,

'cause we're out of chocolate syrup.

I'm moving in with fisher.

What?

Isn't it great?

No, Jackie, it's not great.

Why? I thought you liked fisher.

Well, I do, but you just barely broke up with him,

And then the next second you're moving in with him?

I know, it's a big step,

But I really think it's the right thing to do.

Well, don't you think it's just a tad bit

Completely insane?

Why can't you ever be supportive of what i'm doing?

I'm waiting for you to do something right.

Well, I just want you to be happy for me.

Oh, okay, fine.

Hey! Listen to this.

Jackie's about to do something really, really stupid,

But it doesn't really affect us,

So I say we celebrate!

I'm moving in with Fisher.

Does that mean Fisher can keep coaching me?

Sure does.

D.J., have you been drinking?

Come here.

You go upstairs and brush your teeth.

Well, Dan, I guess you're just so damn proud

Of your kid out there

Ramming people and smashing into 'em

That you just had to celebrate

By giving him his very first sip of beer!

I had to. The hooker made him nervous.

Come on. You gave me my first sip of beer.

That was different. I was drunk.

Well, Dan, you're so very proud of your son

Ramming and smashing into people on the ice

That you just couldn't wait

To give him his very first sip of beer, could you?

I had to. The hooker made him nervous.

Dan!

[clang]

What?

I can't feel anything on this side.

What's going on?

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