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I'd do the dishes,

But this nasty hangnail

Will smart in that soapy water.

Well, save your lame excuses, Dan.

Don't make offers that you don't intend keeping.

Fair enough.

I'll just take care of it,

Like I do with every other thing around here.

Darlene, get down here and do the dishes!

[Telephone rings]

I'll get it.

Hello?

Oh, hi, dougie. How's our favorite banker?

What's he doing, calling here?

I Asked him to.

Good. Good. How's lois?

Why'd you do that for?

We're late on the shop's loan payment.

Don't worry. I got a plan.

How are the kids?

What's the plan?

[Smack]

Oh, really?

Oh, gosh, dougie, that is just so precious.

I've always said your little girl was a genius.

You guys have to come over again for dinner soon.

We would love that.

Great. Great.

Hold on a minute and I'll get Dan for you.

Which one's the genius?

The little one. Katy.

The one who made boom-boom in our sink.

Hey, dougie, how ya doin', man?

Listen, thanks for calling back.

Listen, I gotta keep this on a friend level.

I'm gonna need a couple more weeks on that loan payment.

Hi. I'm mike summers, your state representative.

How are you doing?

Great.

I'm going door-to-door,

Why don't you just go down to the unemployment office

And see everybody at once?

I hear you,

And you're right.

We can't let this area's work force lay idle.

That's why bringing in new business

Is my number one priority.

How?

Through tax incentives.

We'll make it cheaper for businesses

To move right here in Lanford.

So they get a tax break?

That's why they come here.

Who's paying the taxes that they ain't paying?

Well, yo-you will.

But... You'll be working.

Good, steady employment.

Union wages?

Part of the reason these companies find it so expensive

To operate in other locations--

So they dump the unions to move here

And hire us at scab wages,

And for that privilege, we get to pay their taxes.

Is your husband home?

He's on the phone,

Trying to keep us from losing our house.

Hey, let's talk about that.

See, we're broke.

I can't even afford to buy groceries

Unless it's double coupon day.

You know, we should talk about that,

But I have several houses to get to before I quit--

Well, hey, great. I'll come with you.

Boy, it's getting rough out here, mike.

It's getting so my son's gonna have to wear

My daughter's hand-me-downs,

And for real this time. Not just for fun.

Last day at the ol' mall, huh?

I don't even wanna go in.

Good. Treat it like any other day.

I Checked at the buy 'n bag.

They don't have any openings.

Thanks anyway.

See ya.

Hmm.

The lunch lady at school's been sick.

I think she's going to die soon.

Are you interested?

Well, gee. Let's see...

Serving crappy food to ungrateful teenagers.

How would I know I was at work?

Here. It's a letter from my school.

I was supposed to give it to you a couple days ago,

But I forgot.

Like the time you "forgot" that hamsters can't swim?

No, this time I really forgot.

"Dear mr. And Mrs.. Conner,

"I'm sure you're as proud as we are

"Of your son's significant achievement

"In winning the james madison elementary school

Spelling bee."

My god, it's a good note.

You're sure there ain't a page missing?

No, he's in the regional finals.

That's the whole note. No one was hurt.

D.J., I always knew you had some special hidden talent.

And now, you can spell.

You can spell!

Yeah, and that's where the big money is.

You're just jealous.

Oh, you're right.

I wanted to be rain man.

So, Deej, why didn't you say something before?

I didn't think it was such a big deal.

Are you kidding?

The whole family's coming to cheer you on to victory.

Even Darlene?

The entire family.

Cool.

Hey, Darlene! They're making you come!

Ha ha!

So Leon is actually going out of his way

To find you something else in the store?

That's nice of him.

Yeah. Man, you think you know somebody.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Nancy.

Hi. You look upset.

I know.

I Been up all night throwing stuff at Arnie.

Jeez. What happened now?

Well, I told him he has to get it together

And stop being such an irresponsible slob.

And of course he took that the wrong way.

Oh, that is just so typical.

Jackie, what would you do?

What are you asking me for?

Well, you had a relationship with him.

Oh...Nancy.

I'm eating.

Man...

Well, Nancy, you know he's never gonna change.

I've been telling you that the whole time.

I'm so sick of hearing him whine

About how I'm smothering him.

Well, if you can still hear him whining,

You ain't pushing hard enough on the pillow.

I hope Leon found us something.

Of course he did.

That's what I like about you.

You're always half full.

So did you get us another job and what is it?

Well, I spoke to everyone--

Now look, tuesday's gonna be a problem.

If they want me to start tuesday,

I can't start till noon.

Well, that's not a problem,

Since no one in the store is hiring.

Oh, no.

There's gotta be something.

I did everything I could.

You'd waited on too many of the department heads.

Damn.

Well, at least you tried.

Yeah. Thanks anyway.

I'm really sorry, ladies,

But you know, so the day isn't a total waste...

Let's blow this joint in style.

Whoa. Sparkling cider.

Well, at least you spared no expense.

It's just a token of my esteem.

Not the actual esteem.

You know, Leon, that was really sweet of you.

Yeah, so nice it almost makes me feel guilty

For all the crap we pulled behind your back.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Remember when I told you my aunt helen died

And I had to go to Vegas?

She didn't die and there was no funeral?

There was, but I didn't go,

'Cause I was in Vegas.

Yeah. I Remember that.

That was right about the time

That Rodbell's said you no longer had to wear

These quaint little humpty-dumpty uniforms you hate so much.

You never told us that.

I didn't?

Oh...but you know what's important

Is that you know now.

Leon, that was really low.

Well, you've finally earned our respect.

Thank you.

Well, here's to the last day.

We're not out in the parking lot

Watching the place burn,

But this is nice, too.

To Rodbell's luncheonette.

Where the food speaks for itself.

All night long.

Nancy's driving me crazy, Dan.

All couples argue, Arnie.

It's different. When we dated,

We only argued about who drives and who moons.

That's bull.

You two used to fight all the time.

Yeah, but it used to be like foreplay.

Got us hot.

Now she's breaking plates over my head.

It's a real turnoff.

You guys ever thought about going to a counselor?

We're a little old for camp.

Hey.

Hey, rosey.

How's your last day at the shop?

Horrible. Leon can't find me no other job,

And I didn't have any customers to take it out on.

But I did talk to Nancy and you're wrong.

O.k. Now that rosey and I have discussed it,

We can't put you up tonight, Arnie.

Well, what about your garage?

We just cleaned it.

O.k. All right.

Know what I'll do?

I'll be a man about this.

It's my place, too.

I'll sleep in my own damn garage.

Hey, what happened to that big tricked-out harley

You had sitting up here?

Well, I kind of sold it.

Why didn't you tell me?

The pressure's off. We can breathe.

Don't get too excited.

I didn't make a big profit.

What does not big mean?

About 100 bucks less than I spent on it.

Oh, Dan.

I had to, honey.

We needed the money to get into summer.

He wouldn't go any higher.

Man, I know how hard you worked on that thing.

Well, don't worry, baby.

We'll screw over the next guy good.

I'm sorry, Dan.

I know that was your favorite bike.

Well, remember our family motto--

We're Conners. We gotta eat.

I'm going back there and get me some coffee.

Want some?

Sure.

Can I help you?

Hi. I'm mike summers, your state representative.

How you doing?

I'm meeting with small businessmen in the area...

Hey.

Oh, hell!

Mike! Wait up!

You think D.J.'s nervous

About the spelling bee tonight?

He seems fine to me.

Being in the spotlight,

It can be really traumatic for a kid.

Like the time you were doing them baton tosses

In front of the whole school

And you killed that bird?

If it'd just died right away,

But it just kept flopping around...

Rosey.

Hi, nance. Come on in.

He left me.

Do you believe this? He left me.

You're kidding.

Read this.

"Dear Nancy, I know this is hard to believe,

"But I am being kidnapped by...

What's that word?

Aliens.

Aliens from outer space.

He is such a worm.

He couldn't even face me.

Instead he leaves me some stupid note

About space creatures sent here to take back intelligent life.

Man, are their bosses gonna be ticked.

Did you have another fight?

Huge, but he didn't have to do this.

What's going on?

"Dear Nancy..."

Who are the allens,

And why are they out of spice?

Aliens, Dan, from outer space.

Oh, that makes a little more sense.

Dan, did he tell you anything?

Is there another woman?

No offense, Nancy, but it's a miracle there's one.

Why would he do something like this?

Why does this surprise you?

Remember the first time

He was supposed to meet your family

And came down with lou gehrig's disease?

Yeah. Turned out to be the 24-hour kind.

There you go.

Well, that's it. I'm finished with him.

I'm putting everything he owns into a shoe box

And throwing it out onto the sidewalk.

'Cause I don't need him.

I don't need anybody.

Jackie, will you come with me?

Sure.

Man.

Yeah.

There you go.

I told you they wouldn't make it a year.

D.J., come on down here.

He's almost ready. He's doing his hair.

Well, that can't be good.

I got to ask a couple questions

For my college applications.

Shoot.

What's our annual income?

Um, that's the amount of money we make in a year.

Next question.

No, they need to know.

"0-20,000, 20-40,000, 40-80,000."

I guess you could put us down for, say...31.

Really?

Yeah. And we only spend, say...35.

O.k., you still made too much

For me to get full financial aid.

How much is in my college fund?

Boy, this is embarrassing.

Please tell me there's a college fund.

Well, there was, but...

So even if I get into these schools,

I can't afford to go?

Becky, it has been a really bad year.

I...I can't believe this.

Let's wait and see.

Maybe you'll get an academic scholarship.

Big maybe, dad.

Big, big maybe.

The shop could still take off.

Maybe you could go to community college for a couple years.

What was the point of getting as?

Becky.

You told me if I worked hard,

I could make something out of myself.

You can.

Going to night school?

I'll wind up just like you!

Hey.

Hey!

You apologize for that.

No!

Your mother busted her butt for you.

I Busted my butt to get into a good school.

There was no way.

We purposefully went broke

So you couldn't go to the college of your choice.

I was on my own.

You've never been on your own.

What would you call it?

I'm ready.

What did you do?

I think it looks good.

Well, you are wrong.

Mom!

All the other parents will make fun of us.

You go wash that out of your hair now.

All right.

Are you ready to go?

I'm not going to some stupid spelling bee.

Oh, yes, you are.

Your brother's been to plenty of your stupid things.

Go get yourself ready.

I can't believe

You let her talk to you like that.

The fact that she doesn't want to end up like me

Just proves that she's been paying attention around here.

She's still way out of line.

I mean, we may not have exactly

Been able to spoil her,

But she's still had it pretty good.

As good as we wanted her to?

Did you tell D.J. To wash his hair?

Yeah.

You should have told him

To take his blazer off first.

Why does he do that?

Your word is "embarrass."

"Embarrass."

E-m-b-a-r...

A-s-s.

"Embarrass."

I'm sorry, roger.

There are two rs,

But you don't need to be embarrassed.

You did very well.

Whenever you do your best, you're never a loser.

Yeah, he is.

Spell "good night," roger.

Down to two.

Yes.

This couldn't be more boring

If it was ladies golf.

O.k., nicole,

Your word is "quantity."

Jinx.

She's just a kid, now, Dan.

"Quantity."

Q-u-a-n-t-I-t-y.

"Quantity."

Correct.

Damn it.

Hi.

How's Nancy doing?

She's a wreck-- crying and sobbing.

Why, did Arnie come back?

David jacob,

Your word is "monarch."

Piece of cake.

"Monarch."

M-o-n-a-r-c-h.

"Monarch."

Oh, too bad, son.

That's correct, david jacob.

All right!

Hey, hey! Gimme five.

What's going on there?

Oh, Becky hates us.

O.k., don't tell me.

Nicole, your word is "legendary."

"Legendary."

L-e-g-e-n-d...

E-r-y.

"Legendary."

I'm sorry, nicole.

It's a-r-y.

You stay right here.

If david jacob misses his word,

You get another chance.

Go, Deej, you can do it.

Be the word.

Sound it out.

Jeez, it's just a spelling bee.

Maybe to you, pal,

But it's all we've got.

Whoo whoo whoo!

Yay! Whoo! Hoo hoo!

Quiet!

Everybody.

Oh, please let it be a word he knows.

David jacob,

Your word is "foreclosure."

In the closing moments, you had a funny look on your face.

Was that nerves? Concentration? What?

Nicole cut one.

That means she likes you, D.J.

We are so proud of you.

How does it feel to peak at 10?

We love you, too, darling, in a way.

Yes, we do.

There's only strawberry left.

I knew this would happen.

Here. You can have my chocolate.

I'll eat the strawberry.

Don't say I never gave you nothing.

I was thinking. Forget college.

Maybe I'll just marry Mark

And move in with you guys.

If you're trying to kill us for the insurance money,

Don't bother, 'cause there ain't any.

Shoot.

O.k., everybody.

All right, listen up now.

Listen up. Attention, please.

Since D.J.'s the very best speller

In all of Lanford,

We're going to have a little toast,

D.J. Style.

Everybody, get your spoon full,

Hold it high,

And...fire!

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Man, this is great.

Hey, can I drive?

I won't hit nothing.

If you don't stop this behavior,

We'll have to separate you again.

All right.

What's that yellow pasty stuff in back?

Antimatter.

Really? Tastes like chicken.

Knock knock.

Can't you find anything else to do?

Perhaps you could go outside and play.

The minute I'm out there,

You'll fly a little too close to the sun

Like you did last time.

Know what I could go for, though?

A little companionship, if you know what I mean?

Hey, you!

Are you a chick?

Does he know he's to be a pet for your son?

Yes. He's fine with it.

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