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Thanks again for the ride home from school.

No problem.

Well, see ya.

Listen, when your car isn't running,

It's usually the starter.

I could fix it in five minutes.

Nah. If you did, my dad wouldn't have a hobby.

You want me to pick you up again tomorrow?

Tomorrow's saturday. There's no school.

I know. You want to see a movie or something?

Mark.

It doesn't have to be anything good.

It could be something you like.

I don't want to date right now.

It's been weeks, Becky.

I just like that we're talking.

Yeah, well, I don't have a lot more to say.

I want to make sure

That if we get back together,

Things will be different.

"If"? We may never get back together?

I don't know, Mark.

I Miss you, Becky.

I know, I know.

O.k., it's time to go.

Becky, come on.

I said no, Mark.

Bye.

Yeah. Bye.

We're supposed to go out tonight.

You've known about it for a week

And you still haven't found a babysitter yet?

Well, there's got to be

Some responsible teenage girls out there.

Let me ask Becky or Darlene.

Maybe they know somebody.

O.k., I'll call back later.

Bye.

Can't find anybody she trusts, huh?

She might have to end up leaving them kids

That's it. You're done.

But I want to get out of the dungeon.

Don't we all?

Mom.

You're not spending the rest of your life

Playing video games.

There's nothing else to do.

Oh, sure, there is.

When your mom and I were your age,

Kids used to ride their bikes all over

And build tree forts

And dress up dogs in funny clothes,

All kinds of stuff.

Fine. I'll go outside if I have to.

Dress up dogs?

Yeah.

Little white dog with the black eye.

That wasn't us.

That was the little rascals.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I just remembered.

I got to make sandwiches

For Dan's stupid poker game.

Why are you doing it?

I was going to clean out the fridge anyway.

This way I save on trash bags.

Hey.

Hey.

What's wrong?

Mark drove me home from school.

But you're sad, though,

So everything's good, right?

Will you cut it out?

How does that make you feel, Becky?

I don't know.

Sometimes when he looks at me, I...

Still getting chills?

Yeah.

Yuck.

Roseanne.

I thought you told him

To date other girls.

But he's not.

Well, if he can't do that one simple little thing,

I guess he doesn't care about you at all.

And here's a picture of little angela at 3 weeks

With her auntie Roseanne holding her.

She's so beautiful.

Aw, look how cute I am.

Well, Crystal, how does it feel

Having two babies at home now?

Since I've been breast-feeding angela,

I've been kind of worried about little Ed.

He seems real jealous.

Why? He's old enough to be weaned.

I want him to grow up feeling secure and loved.

Get over it.

You'll go to one of his school plays or something.

Hey, Rosie.

Hey, calvin.

Who's that?

Customer from the shop.

Wait a minute.

Calvin, how's your bike running?

Good.

Just turned into a business meeting.

I can write the whole thing off.

Are you picking up the check?

Just the stub.

Hey, everybody, sorry I'm late.

Where you been?

I just got some bad news.

What's wrong?

Never mind. Don't want to ruin everybody's fun.

You already have, so just spill it.

Chuckie lost his job.

Oh! Oh, no.

Man, I thought he had seniority.

He did. They didn't lay him off last week

With the rest of his shift.

I don't believe it.

It's all over.

Wellman plastics is history.

Well, he'll find another job.

Yeah. Now that wellman's is closed,

There'll be plenty of jobs--

Bill collectors, repo men.

I'm really sorry, emory.

Hey, it's happening all over.

Bonnie's losing her job, you're losing yours,

Nobody in this town can afford

To buy a bike from your husband.

You're just the messenger of death,

Ain't you?

Sorry.

Let's go. If we get depressed,

We'll just drink ourselves stupid.

All right. Let's settle up.

Everybody chip in 6 bucks,

Except for emory.

6 Bucks?

I'm going to try to get the price down here.

Hey, willie, all our beers had flies in them.

We were out of little umbrellas, Roseanne.

Works in your nicer places.

I hate it when you're short on cash.

You always try and cheap out of the tab.

We all do what we have to to get by.

Once I called the instant potato company

And said I found a human hand in the box.

The scary thing was, they didn't sound surprised.

Well, don't worry.

We're all going to make it.

We'll have to learn to stretch those dollars.

It can be done.

I was watching this national geographic special

On desert people.

Bedouins can live for three days on one fig.

That don't do me no good.

My family can't live for three days

On one bedouin.

I'm telling you guys it really happened.

Come on, Arnie.

I swear. Last night, I was visited by an alien.

Your bet, Chuckie.

Half a buck.

I'm in.

I Woke up next to this horrible, bug-eyed creature.

I thought it was Nancy at first, too.

But does Nancy stick needles into my body

Probing me for information?

Well, you've only been married a few months.

I'll play.

The thing talked to me.

It said it's here to find out about humans.

A thousand million light years across the galaxy

And it missed by one house.

I'll call, Chuckie. What do you got?

Oh, man. This is embarrassing.

I was just bluffing.

I Only got a pair of fives.

Me, too. Beats me.

Didn't see it coming.

All right!

You guys stink.

Hey, hold on.

Read 'em and weep--

Eights. Two of 'em.

Damn!

Hey, Chuckie, wasn't it your turn to bring some beer?

Oh, yeah. It's out in the car.

Take a hike.

Let's buy the beer. He just got laid off.

That's why we just lost to him, genius.

I had three jacks.

I had a straight.

Why didn't you tell me?

We did, Arnie.

Oh, my god, the aliens have messed up my mind.

So last night wasn't their first visit?

All right, brewskis.

All right.

Your deal, Chuckie.

Let's see if I can win some money back.

I'll bet five bucks he can. Ow!

Sorry. Was that your foot?

[Telephone rings]

Deal me out.

He answers the phone? Not fair.

Hey, calvin, what's doing?

Oh, man, how the hell did that happen?

Do me a favor-- sit on him.

I'll be right there.

Mark got himself drunk down at the lobo.

Is he old enough--

No. I better get down there before he gets in trouble.

I'll go. Want me to--

And leave me here alone with mr. Lucky?

Stay and have fun. I'll be right back.

Don't tell Becky or Darlene where I went.

O.k. Ray, your bet.

Pass.

Same here.

A quarter. And remember where you got it.

What happened?

After I called you,

The kid put his fist through the jukebox.

I talked willie out of calling the cops.

Thanks, man. Hey!

Hey, Dan.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing. I Hurt my hand is all.

Whoa. It's going to need a couple stitches.

Let's go.

What about my jukebox?

Willie, you'll just have to find another place

To store your jim nabors records.

That's very funny, Dan.

He'll pay for it. He works for me.

Hey! I don't want you in here ever again.

You understand me?

Huh?

I'll explain it to him later.

Let's get someone to look at that hand.

Listen, don't tell Becky.

Easy.

'Cause she'll kill me

And never want to see me again.

I won't tell her.

Calvin, thanks for your help.

Yeah. No problem.

I got you. I got you.

You're o.k., Dan.

You're my man.

My man Dan. Dan the man.

Dan, Dan, the Dan man.

O.k., now you do one with my name.

O.k., how about this?

Mark, Mark, you puke in my truck

And I'll kill you.

Hey, how's it going?

We let Chuckie win 20

So he wasn't playing with his own money.

Then we played for real.

He gave it all back in 1 1/2 minutes.

Oh, man. Where is he?

He's in the john.

Do we let him win again?

This is getting ridiculous.

I've been laid off. Nobody let me win.

It's enough we let you sit at the grownup table.

How'd it go with Mark?

By the time I got there, he'd punched the jukebox.

Any stitches?

Two or three.

Once I got hit with a beer bottle.

Nearly lost an eye.

Took 12 stitches.

It's underneath the eyebrow. You can't hardly see it.

Art's new. Maybe he wants to hear it.

I'm sure art knows you've been hit in the head.

But did you know it was with a beer bottle?

So where's Mark now?

Oh, I left him at his apartment

Drooling and mumbling my daughter's name.

Sounds like son-in-law material to me.

We all been there.

Becky's been giving him a real rough time.

I feel bad for the kid.

Where's the pizza?

What pizza?

We came looking for you,

And Arnie said you went out for pizza.

No, I said I was going to the shop.

Sounded like pizza.

You went to the shop?

Yes.

In the middle of your male bonding frenzy?

Is everything o.k.?

Yeah, yeah. The alarm company called.

The alarm went off at the shop.

What happened?

Oh, nothing. Just a short in the wiring.

Hey, pizza sounds great.

You guys up for pizza?

Go on back upstairs,

And I'll call you when it gets here.

Right. By the time he calls,

All that'll be left is what's stuck to their shirts.

Lying to the kids? Mmm mmm mmm mmm.

Hey, I promised Mark.

And nobody says anything to Roseanne, either.

Ooh, now he lies to his wife.

Where will this end?

You got to lie to your wife once in a while.

Like when they try out new recipes you hate it.

I Always tell my wife I got a cold

And can't taste a thing.

Hey, that's way better than hocking it up into a napkin.

Dan's right. You got to lie occasionally.

If just once I'd said, "honey, I don't mind

You're sleeping with my business partner,"

I'd still be married.

Ooh. Oh, man. Bummer.

They lie to us, too.

Roseanne smashed up my truck

And swore it happened while parked at the mall.

Did you call her on it?

You kidding me? And waste all that guilt?

When I mention how good my truck looked,

I Get chocolate cake for dessert.

If I squeeze out a couple of tears,

Cool whip.

Hey, Dan, you say the fire department checked

But didn't find anything, right?

It was a false alarm.

Did they check the wires in the walls?

Everything.

How do they know it's the fire alarm?

The burglar alarm sounds the same.

Roseanne...

The fire department wouldn't know if anything was stolen.

They wouldn't notice a burglar

Unless the guy was on fire.

I Checked.

Nothing's missing. No flaming burglars.

What about the safe?

It's all there--

Your grandmother's ring, your good watch,

The earrings you never wear

Because I never take you anyplace nice enough. All there.

What about the gold card?

What gold card?

I knew it.

They stole the gold card!

We don't have a gold card.

Not now.

What are you talking about?

I got a gold card in the mail.

It has a $5,000 limit.

What fish-brained company gave us a gold card?

Well, they asked for your annual income

And your social security number.

Maybe I switched them.

Oh, man. I just didn't see it.

It's flat. It could've been up against the wall.

It was in a great big white envelope.

Well, I'll look for it in the morning.

How can we sleep

If somebody's charging us into the poorhouse?

They can't buy anything. It's 2 a.m.

Everything's closed.

Yeah, here. But the burglar could charge tickets

And fly to where something is open.

In some parts of the world, it's yesterday.

We could be broke before it's now.

How many beers did you have down at the lobo?

Go check on that card.

Honey...

I won't sleep till you get it. Neither will you.

O.k., o.k.!

I'll go down to the shop, find the card,

And bring it back so you can sleep. O.k.?

Thank you, honey.

Lie to me, will you?

[Softly] hey.

[Loudly] hey, Mark. How's it going?

[Rrrrrrrrrrr]

Please stop, will you?

How's your hand?

Hurts like hell, man.

Let's see if we can keep it wet and dirty.

Maybe we can get it infected.

You didn't tell Becky about anything, did you?

No, I didn't.

What about, you know, the other one?

I didn't tell my wife for which I paid dearly,

Much as you will today.

Thanks. I Owe you.

Yeah, you do.

I mean it.

I really do care about Becky.

She's real good for me, you know?

If she found out about last night,

She'd never see me again.

You saved my butt. You're a real friend.

Let me correct a few points.

I am Becky's father,

By definition, therefore, not your friend.

Secondly, I'm your boss,

Which still makes me not your friend.

In my official capacity as not your friend,

Here's how it'll be--

I Ever catch you under the influence again,

Not only are you finished with Becky,

You're out of a job.

O.k.

One more thing--I paid for those stitches.

I'll pay you back.

Yes, but until then, I own them.

I can rip them out anytime I want.

[Rrrrrrrrrrr]

Hey.

Hey.

You bring me any ice cream?

No.

Then go away.

I got gum.

Becky's letting Mark take her to the movies.

When did this happen?

I don't know. Does it even matter?

You just know they're going to get back together,

And that is just sickening.

I can't believe Dan would even let him in the house

After catching him down at the lobo like that.

Excuse me?

Oh, man!

This is why Dan is always ticked off at me.

Spill it.

One of the drivers I work with was there.

He said Mark got drunk

And put his hand through the jukebox.

Dan had to smooth everything over.

So that's what's going on.

I knew I was busting Dan's chops for something.

I just didn't know what.

What are you talking about?

It was such an obvious lie.

I mean, that alarm never went off.

How do you know?

Because I haven't paid the alarm company

For three months.

Just don't tell Dan you heard it from me.

I won't even tell him that I know.

[Becky] we're leaving, mom.

Be home early.

We'll see.

You're just going to let her go?

What if he's been drinking?

You're going to trust him?

I don't trust him, but I trust Dan.

He loves Becky, too.

If he's letting her go,

He must have some stupid reason.

Hey.

Hey.

Why, Jackie, what a surprise!

How was work, sweetheart?

Pretty good.

Great.

So you're totally letting him off the hook

After lying to you?

Oh, Jackie, I wish I could.

Oh, Dan?

Yes?

Becky and Mark are dating again.

What do you think of that?

Well, we've just got to hope

Mark will turn over a new leaf.

How'd he hurt his hand?

He, uh, caught it down at the shop

On a machine.

Is it bad?

Couple stitches.

Well, he could sue us, Dan.

He won't sue us.

What if the thing with Becky turns sour again

And he decides he hates us?

We're insured.

Oh, really?

Where's the policy?

At the shop.

Dan...

I just got here. I'm tired.

I really, really, really want to know, Dan.

O.k. I'll go down to the shop...

In my beat-up truck.

Oh, that reminds me.

I got to get some cool whip.

Darlene, mom wants you to pick up some cool whip.

Why don't you do it?

I'm doing my homework.

That's a lame excuse, Becky.

Only from you, Darlene.

She left some money in her purse.

I don't believe I have to get one thing

Just because mom forgot it when she went shopping.

I'm so sick of running these little crappy errands.

Someday I'll walk out that door and never come back...

And today's the day!

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