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1
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[music playing]
2
00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:07,208
[theme music]
3
00:00:10,544 --> 00:00:13,547
DARLENE: Boy, this Mother's
Day thing really bites.
4
00:00:13,647 --> 00:00:14,448
Yeah.
5
00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:17,485
A whole Sunday totally wasted.
6
00:00:17,585 --> 00:00:20,354
It's like her birthday
wasn't enough.
7
00:00:20,454 --> 00:00:21,322
You know what?
8
00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:22,690
Your mom works
real hard all year.
9
00:00:22,790 --> 00:00:25,226
And she deserves one day when
she can relax and do nothing.
10
00:00:25,326 --> 00:00:26,394
Well, what about us?
11
00:00:26,494 --> 00:00:28,829
I don't remember us
getting, like, a kids day?
12
00:00:28,929 --> 00:00:31,099
Some day, my precious
angel, you will be a parent
13
00:00:31,199 --> 00:00:33,867
and you will realize that
every day is kids day.
14
00:00:33,967 --> 00:00:38,272
Oh man, you just want to
smack them when they say that.
15
00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:39,473
Well, OK.
16
00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:41,242
I didn't park in the
driveway just like you told
17
00:00:41,342 --> 00:00:43,677
me, cleaned the entire
house, went shopping
18
00:00:43,777 --> 00:00:45,546
for all the barbecue items.
19
00:00:45,646 --> 00:00:47,047
I wonder if there's
anything else I can do
20
00:00:47,148 --> 00:00:50,484
while I'm queen for a damn day.
21
00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:51,585
Did you remember the beer?
22
00:00:55,123 --> 00:00:56,924
Just wait till Father's Day.
23
00:00:59,693 --> 00:01:02,130
Well, you do not have
to go to a station break
24
00:01:02,230 --> 00:01:04,365
when I'm here in the
middle of my opinion.
25
00:01:04,465 --> 00:01:05,299
No.
26
00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:06,200
All right.
27
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:07,101
All right.
28
00:01:07,201 --> 00:01:08,402
Do it your way.
29
00:01:08,502 --> 00:01:09,303
I'm on hold.
30
00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:10,938
What's the topic?
31
00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:12,206
Meat.
32
00:01:12,306 --> 00:01:15,843
This Ted from Toledo thinks
it's mean to kill cows.
33
00:01:15,943 --> 00:01:16,810
What does he want us to do?
34
00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:18,746
Eat them alive?
35
00:01:18,846 --> 00:01:19,980
That That is very good.
36
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,149
I'm going to use that.
37
00:01:21,249 --> 00:01:22,583
What took you so long?
38
00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:25,319
She made me pull over three
times so she could phone
39
00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:26,887
in and express her outrage.
40
00:01:26,987 --> 00:01:27,921
Listen, Jackie.
41
00:01:28,021 --> 00:01:30,023
You be glad that you
live in a country
42
00:01:30,124 --> 00:01:33,394
where anybody can pull over
to a Stuckey's and express
43
00:01:33,494 --> 00:01:34,862
their freedom of speech.
44
00:01:34,962 --> 00:01:37,265
And get a nice pecan log.
45
00:01:37,365 --> 00:01:38,166
Hey, Ted.
46
00:01:38,266 --> 00:01:39,733
Listen to me.
47
00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:40,968
I am at a barbecue.
48
00:01:41,068 --> 00:01:43,070
What do you suggest
we put on the grill?
49
00:01:43,171 --> 00:01:45,573
Broccoli?
50
00:01:45,673 --> 00:01:46,540
When did you guys get here?
51
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:47,441
A couple of minutes ago.
52
00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:48,342
Just a minute.
53
00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:49,377
Hold on.
54
00:01:49,477 --> 00:01:52,580
Danny, my favorite
grandson-in-law.
55
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:53,514
Hey, kids.
56
00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:55,216
Nana Mary is here.
57
00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:56,550
Giving them what for, Grandma?
58
00:01:56,650 --> 00:01:57,585
I'm trying to.
59
00:01:57,685 --> 00:01:59,220
But you know, the
kind of people that
60
00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:01,289
call into these
talk shows, they're
61
00:02:01,389 --> 00:02:02,790
not the brightest in the world.
62
00:02:05,893 --> 00:02:06,760
Hi, Nana Mary.
63
00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:07,661
Nana Mary.
64
00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:08,762
Wait a minute.
65
00:02:08,862 --> 00:02:10,030
Hold on, hold on.
66
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:14,067
My three gorgeous great
grandchildren just walked in.
67
00:02:14,168 --> 00:02:15,035
And guess what?
68
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:16,136
You're never going
to believe it.
69
00:02:16,237 --> 00:02:19,673
But little Darlene has boobies.
70
00:02:19,773 --> 00:02:24,144
[theme music]
71
00:03:04,918 --> 00:03:07,788
[cackles]
72
00:03:13,327 --> 00:03:15,329
Do you remember
that Ethel Schneider?
73
00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:16,230
Remember her?
74
00:03:16,330 --> 00:03:17,298
I told you about her.
75
00:03:17,398 --> 00:03:19,400
She lived in the
apartment across the hall?
76
00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:20,501
Yeah.
77
00:03:20,601 --> 00:03:22,370
The one with the rich
grandson that would
78
00:03:22,470 --> 00:03:24,705
be perfect for you, Jackie?
79
00:03:24,805 --> 00:03:26,440
That's the one.
80
00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:28,075
What about her?
81
00:03:28,175 --> 00:03:30,010
Dead.
82
00:03:30,110 --> 00:03:31,445
Oh God.
83
00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:33,347
Well, is the grandson
going to be at the funeral?
84
00:03:33,447 --> 00:03:35,349
Because you could wear the black
sweater with the scoop neck.
85
00:03:35,449 --> 00:03:37,318
Will you two please
just knock it off?
86
00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:39,720
I don't want to talk about
my love life anymore.
87
00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:42,055
And I don't want to
talk about dead people.
88
00:03:42,155 --> 00:03:44,258
Is it all right if I
talk about my love life?
89
00:03:44,358 --> 00:03:45,526
JACKIE: Yes, fine.
90
00:03:45,626 --> 00:03:47,928
Well, you remember that
Marvin Spencer I told you about?
91
00:03:48,028 --> 00:03:50,864
He was the one with
the hot pants for me?
92
00:03:50,964 --> 00:03:51,765
Oh yeah.
93
00:03:51,865 --> 00:03:53,100
So he asked you out?
94
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:54,535
Yes, once.
95
00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:57,037
Oh, we had a wonderful time.
96
00:03:57,137 --> 00:03:59,139
He never called me again.
97
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,708
JACKIE: Why not?
98
00:04:00,808 --> 00:04:02,843
Dead.
99
00:04:02,943 --> 00:04:04,645
I'm leaving.
100
00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:05,779
You coward.
101
00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:07,247
Grandma, you oughta
move in with us
102
00:04:07,348 --> 00:04:10,484
so we could do this to
Jackie all the time.
103
00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:13,220
Roseanne, we've been
through this before.
104
00:04:13,321 --> 00:04:15,589
Suppose I didn't
like living here.
105
00:04:15,689 --> 00:04:16,457
Then you'd fit right in.
106
00:04:19,226 --> 00:04:21,128
Can I bring anything
out to the table?
107
00:04:21,228 --> 00:04:23,030
Chips or dip or something?
108
00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:24,131
No.
109
00:04:24,231 --> 00:04:25,566
I don't want you to
take anything, Crystal.
110
00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:26,900
Now, Roseanne.
111
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,902
Just because I'm pregnant
doesn't mean I can't pitch in.
112
00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:30,438
Crystal, it's because
you eat everything
113
00:04:30,538 --> 00:04:32,540
before you get it out there.
114
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:35,108
Well, baby's hungry.
115
00:04:35,208 --> 00:04:36,710
You keep feeding
him like that, he's
116
00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:37,845
never going to want to leave.
117
00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:46,454
Mary, I can't tell you how
good it is to see you again.
118
00:04:46,554 --> 00:04:47,355
Yeah.
119
00:04:47,455 --> 00:04:48,756
Me too, sweetheart.
120
00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:50,491
You know you've
always been gorgeous.
121
00:04:50,591 --> 00:04:52,926
But right now you're
simply glowing.
122
00:04:53,026 --> 00:04:56,597
Wow, what a nice thing to say.
123
00:04:56,697 --> 00:04:59,066
I'm glad to see that bad
manners don't run in the family.
124
00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:02,803
Who is that again?
125
00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:06,774
That's Crystal.
126
00:05:06,874 --> 00:05:09,443
You know, she married Dan's dad.
127
00:05:09,543 --> 00:05:10,544
Oh, right.
128
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:11,579
Look.
129
00:05:11,679 --> 00:05:13,914
I don't like to talk
bad about people.
130
00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:15,015
Never.
131
00:05:15,115 --> 00:05:17,317
And I know she's one
of your best friends.
132
00:05:17,418 --> 00:05:18,852
But that's a sick thing.
133
00:05:22,490 --> 00:05:23,357
- Company.
- Hey.
134
00:05:23,457 --> 00:05:24,257
Hey, hi.
135
00:05:24,358 --> 00:05:25,526
I'm glad you could make it.
136
00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:26,460
I made deviled eggs.
137
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:27,528
Where do you want
me to put them?
138
00:05:27,628 --> 00:05:28,429
Take them out back.
139
00:05:28,529 --> 00:05:30,798
But don't let Crystal see them.
140
00:05:30,898 --> 00:05:32,299
Hey, this must be Chuck, Jr.
141
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:33,200
Mhm.
142
00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:34,402
Couldn't be.
143
00:05:34,502 --> 00:05:37,304
The Chuck Junior who I fed
and clothed for 16 years
144
00:05:37,405 --> 00:05:38,872
would never have
forgotten Mother's Day.
145
00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:39,773
Oh, Ma.
146
00:05:39,873 --> 00:05:40,674
Shut up.
147
00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:43,777
Hello?
148
00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:45,078
Oh yeah.
149
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:48,048
This is Chuck and Marie
and the evil Chuck,
150
00:05:48,148 --> 00:05:50,751
Jr. This is my
grandmother, Mary.
151
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:51,652
Wow.
152
00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:52,953
It's nice to meet you.
153
00:05:53,053 --> 00:05:54,054
Nice to meet you, too.
154
00:05:54,154 --> 00:05:55,389
It's a real pleasure.
155
00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:57,090
Yes, me too.
156
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,326
And I want you to know
I'm not prejudiced.
157
00:06:03,330 --> 00:06:06,634
[music playing]
158
00:06:13,073 --> 00:06:15,976
Ann-Marie, these
deviled eggs are good.
159
00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:17,778
I should've made more.
160
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:20,548
Oh, baby just kicked.
161
00:06:20,648 --> 00:06:22,149
It's OK, honey.
162
00:06:22,249 --> 00:06:24,752
We're at a barbecue at
your brother Dan's house.
163
00:06:24,852 --> 00:06:26,153
And all our friends are here.
164
00:06:29,557 --> 00:06:31,358
I read that you should talk
to the baby in the womb
165
00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:33,861
so that he can get
used to your voice.
166
00:06:33,961 --> 00:06:36,263
And he can even
understand a little.
167
00:06:36,363 --> 00:06:37,164
Hey, baby.
168
00:06:37,264 --> 00:06:38,165
Back off the buffet.
169
00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:45,506
NANA MARY: Rosie.
170
00:06:45,606 --> 00:06:47,074
What?
171
00:06:47,174 --> 00:06:48,909
NANA MARY: I need a big bowl.
172
00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:51,879
Uh, it's in the
cupboard next to the sink.
173
00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:52,946
Do you believe her?
174
00:06:53,046 --> 00:06:54,515
She throws me out of
my own damn kitchen
175
00:06:54,615 --> 00:06:57,050
so she can make her
secret potato salad.
176
00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:58,652
Isn't she great?
177
00:06:58,752 --> 00:06:59,553
Uh oh.
178
00:06:59,653 --> 00:07:00,621
We're out of coffee.
179
00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:02,289
I'll go make some more.
- Forget about it.
180
00:07:02,389 --> 00:07:03,491
This ain't work.
181
00:07:03,591 --> 00:07:04,792
If people want more coffee,
they can go in there
182
00:07:04,892 --> 00:07:06,059
and make it theirselves.
183
00:07:06,159 --> 00:07:09,797
That's just what she
says at the restaurant.
184
00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:10,731
Bonnie, hey.
185
00:07:10,831 --> 00:07:12,432
How come your
husband didn't show?
186
00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:13,333
Oh, Duke.
187
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:14,535
He couldn't come.
188
00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:18,539
He's still got 20 hours of
community service to do.
189
00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:21,041
Look at the sweater my
daughter sent me from Oregon.
190
00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:22,242
CRYSTAL: It's really
pretty, Bonnie.
191
00:07:22,342 --> 00:07:23,777
Nice color for you.
192
00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:25,479
Now she remembered
Mother's Day
193
00:07:25,579 --> 00:07:27,715
and she's all the way in Oregon.
194
00:07:27,815 --> 00:07:30,183
Oh, Ma.
195
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:32,686
You know, There's
worse things, Ann-Marie.
196
00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,855
My kids all got together and
chipped in and bought me some
197
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:37,390
of these strawberry bath beads.
198
00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:38,926
I'm giving them
out for Halloween.
199
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:43,130
NANA MARY: Rosie.
200
00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:44,832
What?
201
00:07:44,932 --> 00:07:47,768
NANA MARY: Where do you
keep the Tabasco sauce?
202
00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:50,938
In the fridge door.
203
00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:52,039
Hey.
204
00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:54,241
She puts Tabasco sauce
in the potato salad.
205
00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:55,242
NANA MARY: No way.
206
00:07:55,342 --> 00:07:57,310
I'm making myself a Bloody Mary.
207
00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:02,983
Say,
208
00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:04,184
Dan.
209
00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:06,654
You know you might
think about stacking
210
00:08:06,754 --> 00:08:09,322
those coals like a pyramid.
211
00:08:09,422 --> 00:08:11,124
No, no, no, no, no.
212
00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:13,794
See, this way you get them
all with the lighter fluid.
213
00:08:13,894 --> 00:08:16,229
You stack them, you miss
the ones in the middle.
214
00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:20,734
Why don't you spray them
first and stack them after?
215
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,069
No, no, no.
216
00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:24,104
See, all your fluid's going
to evaporate if you do that.
217
00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:25,005
Trust me.
218
00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:26,239
They light better this way.
219
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:27,741
Now see, I disagree.
220
00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:29,476
See, the way you've got
them, they're all spread
221
00:08:29,577 --> 00:08:31,211
out working it all alone.
222
00:08:31,311 --> 00:08:35,382
But if you stack them,
they're working like a team.
223
00:08:35,482 --> 00:08:38,118
Well, let me ask
you something, Chuck.
224
00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:39,620
Once you have them
stacked in a pyramid,
225
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:41,088
are you going to
cook in a pyramid.
226
00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:41,989
Of course not.
227
00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:43,523
You're going to spread them out.
228
00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:45,092
Well, if they're going
to wind up spread out,
229
00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:46,694
why not start them spread out?
230
00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:50,130
See, Dan.
231
00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:51,799
You don't understand.
- No.
232
00:08:51,899 --> 00:08:53,901
I understand.
You're just arguing in circles.
233
00:08:54,001 --> 00:08:54,668
That's all.
- Listen.
234
00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:55,468
No, Dan.
If--
235
00:08:55,569 --> 00:08:57,871
Well, you know what I'd do?
236
00:08:57,971 --> 00:08:59,740
The ones that didn't
light, I'd like blast them
237
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:01,508
with another shot of the fluid.
238
00:09:01,609 --> 00:09:02,876
[interposing voices]
239
00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:04,778
You blast hot
coals with lighter
240
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:08,616
fluid, you're going to get
blown into next week, man.
241
00:09:08,716 --> 00:09:10,618
[interposing voices]
242
00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:11,518
Fine.
243
00:09:16,456 --> 00:09:18,659
So Dan, you know those burgers
are looking pretty thick.
244
00:09:18,759 --> 00:09:21,929
I don't think they're
going to cook.
245
00:09:22,029 --> 00:09:23,430
Well, I'm going to
stack them in a pyramid
246
00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:25,198
so they'll cook as a team.
247
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:31,104
So Arnie, how come you're
not at your mother's house?
248
00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:32,072
I owe her money.
249
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:38,879
[music playing]
250
00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:44,351
You got to beat a 10.
251
00:09:44,451 --> 00:09:47,955
I gotta beat a 10.
252
00:09:48,055 --> 00:09:48,989
Queen.
I win.
253
00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:49,890
Give me the money.
254
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,362
Man, I'm down, like, $9.
255
00:09:55,462 --> 00:09:56,797
How about double or nothing?
256
00:09:56,897 --> 00:09:58,398
Darlene, you got
that kind of money?
257
00:09:58,498 --> 00:10:00,233
I'll owe it to you.
258
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:02,970
No can do.
259
00:10:03,070 --> 00:10:04,204
Jeez, I'm your
great granddaughter.
260
00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:05,572
Don't you trust me?
261
00:10:05,673 --> 00:10:08,341
When we're playing cards for
money, you're nothing to me.
262
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:12,179
Don't even think about it.
263
00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:14,848
Why can't he have
some potato salad?
264
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,216
I don't like him.
265
00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:17,350
He keeps hitting on me.
266
00:10:19,687 --> 00:10:20,721
All right.
Come on, Becky.
267
00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:21,789
Cut.
- No, No, no.
268
00:10:21,889 --> 00:10:22,690
I'm not playing.
269
00:10:22,790 --> 00:10:24,024
You're cheating.
270
00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:27,127
You're accusing
your Nana of cheating?
271
00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:28,696
Nana, you haven't lost once.
272
00:10:28,796 --> 00:10:29,596
All right.
273
00:10:29,697 --> 00:10:30,497
So I'm due now.
274
00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:31,431
Cut.
275
00:10:31,531 --> 00:10:32,900
No way.
276
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,869
Becky, how could Nana
cheat at cutting cards?
277
00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:39,139
It's her deck, Einstein.
278
00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:43,210
For that, you are
out of the will.
279
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:44,611
Well, I want a new deck.
280
00:10:44,712 --> 00:10:45,645
All right.
281
00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:48,181
I happen to have one here.
282
00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:52,052
[music playing]
283
00:10:57,524 --> 00:10:58,325
OK.
284
00:10:58,425 --> 00:11:00,460
One, two, three.
Shoot.
285
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:01,361
OK.
286
00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:02,796
I pick first.
287
00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:04,998
I got Lonny.
288
00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:05,966
OK.
289
00:11:06,066 --> 00:11:08,936
Oh jeez.
290
00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:09,937
Yeah, I guess I got Becky.
291
00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:16,209
CHUCK JR: Let's see.
292
00:11:18,311 --> 00:11:19,112
Hell no.
293
00:11:19,212 --> 00:11:20,180
Pick me, man.
294
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:21,081
I'm good.
295
00:11:26,486 --> 00:11:28,021
Roseanne, this
is a great party.
296
00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:29,089
We're having a good time.
297
00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:30,690
Oh well, I'm real
glad you could make it.
298
00:11:30,791 --> 00:11:32,292
- And I love your grandmother.
- Yeah.
299
00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:33,193
I do, too.
300
00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:34,094
How old is she?
301
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:35,095
She looks good.
302
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:35,996
I don't know.
303
00:11:36,096 --> 00:11:37,297
I don't think anybody knows.
304
00:11:37,397 --> 00:11:41,034
The only people that
ever knew are dead.
305
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:43,436
For my wife on Mother's Day.
306
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:45,072
Oh, shucks.
307
00:11:45,172 --> 00:11:46,439
Wait a minute.
308
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:48,175
You mean your husband gives
you a present for Mother's Day?
309
00:11:48,275 --> 00:11:50,177
- Mhm.
- I'll be right back.
310
00:11:50,277 --> 00:11:51,078
Chuck?
311
00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:55,849
Too heavy to be
vacuum cleaner bags.
312
00:11:55,949 --> 00:11:56,984
Come on.
313
00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:59,987
It ain't like it's our
anniversary or nothing?
314
00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:00,888
Oven mitts?
315
00:12:00,988 --> 00:12:02,022
Would you just open it?
316
00:12:02,122 --> 00:12:02,923
All right.
317
00:12:03,023 --> 00:12:04,624
For Pete's sake.
318
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:07,427
Oh, it's a picture
of you and the kids.
319
00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:08,595
Where's my real present?
320
00:12:11,098 --> 00:12:11,932
No.
321
00:12:12,032 --> 00:12:13,366
I remember the
day you took this.
322
00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:16,036
That's when you and the kids
sneaked off for a couple hours.
323
00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:17,871
And I got the house
all to myself.
324
00:12:17,971 --> 00:12:19,139
That was your real present.
325
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:20,040
Wow.
326
00:12:20,140 --> 00:12:21,308
It's really nice.
327
00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:23,977
You think I'd forget my
wife on Mother's Day?
328
00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:25,012
Did you call your mother?
329
00:12:27,881 --> 00:12:29,649
[music playing]
330
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:30,550
Yeah, Mom.
331
00:12:30,650 --> 00:12:31,451
I'm good.
332
00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:32,585
Everybody's good.
333
00:12:32,685 --> 00:12:34,254
I just called to say
Happy Mother's Day.
334
00:12:34,354 --> 00:12:35,155
Oh, hey.
335
00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:36,890
You got the robe.
336
00:12:36,990 --> 00:12:38,391
Yeah, I picked it out myself.
337
00:12:38,491 --> 00:12:40,427
Thank you, dear.
338
00:12:40,527 --> 00:12:42,529
Oh, Dad's fine.
339
00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:44,397
He got stuck out of
town on business.
340
00:12:44,497 --> 00:12:47,000
So we're sort of
feeding Crystal for him.
341
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,002
Listen, I got a
houseful of people here.
342
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:50,203
So I got to go.
343
00:12:50,303 --> 00:12:51,104
Yeah.
344
00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:52,472
Yeah.
Yeah.
345
00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:53,606
I miss you, too.
346
00:12:53,706 --> 00:12:55,242
Listen, I've got burgers
cooking on the grill.
347
00:12:55,342 --> 00:12:57,644
So yeah.
348
00:12:57,744 --> 00:12:58,545
Yeah, Mom.
349
00:12:58,645 --> 00:12:59,512
I love you, too.
350
00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:02,049
Yeah, we-- Oh, look.
351
00:13:02,149 --> 00:13:03,350
DJ's hair is on fire.
352
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:05,185
I gotta--
353
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:06,586
Yeah, Ma.
354
00:13:06,686 --> 00:13:09,489
Well, we're just real sorry that
you and Dad couldn't make it.
355
00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:10,657
Yeah, Grandma's here.
356
00:13:10,757 --> 00:13:12,792
She's in there taking a nap.
357
00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:14,127
Yeah.
Uh huh.
358
00:13:14,227 --> 00:13:15,062
Jackie?
- No.
359
00:13:15,162 --> 00:13:16,029
Don't.
No.
360
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:17,230
No.
- Yeah.
361
00:13:17,330 --> 00:13:18,131
She's here.
362
00:13:18,231 --> 00:13:20,300
Uh huh.
363
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:21,401
The kids are fine.
364
00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:23,503
Did you get the
blouse we sent you?
365
00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:24,671
Well, no.
366
00:13:24,771 --> 00:13:28,541
The shoulders are supposed
to be big like that.
367
00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:30,610
Well, if you don't
like it, send it back.
368
00:13:30,710 --> 00:13:32,445
I'll get you something else.
369
00:13:32,545 --> 00:13:33,680
No.
370
00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:35,515
Don't pretend like you like
it if you don't like it.
371
00:13:35,615 --> 00:13:36,449
It's no big deal.
372
00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:39,052
Send it back and
we'll exchange it.
373
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:39,953
No.
374
00:13:40,053 --> 00:13:41,354
It's no problem.
375
00:13:41,454 --> 00:13:43,891
If it was a problem,
I would tell you.
376
00:13:43,991 --> 00:13:45,525
I would.
377
00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:46,994
I would.
378
00:13:47,094 --> 00:13:49,229
I would.
379
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:50,263
Oh hang on a minute.
380
00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:51,164
Jackie just came in.
381
00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:52,232
She really wants to talk to you.
382
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:53,566
No.
383
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:54,467
Hi, Mom.
384
00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:55,368
Hi.
385
00:13:55,468 --> 00:13:56,769
How are you doing?
386
00:13:56,870 --> 00:13:58,438
How's Dad?
387
00:13:58,538 --> 00:13:59,539
Good.
388
00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:04,044
Well, my love to everybody.
Actually, no.
389
00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:04,978
I'm not.
390
00:14:05,078 --> 00:14:07,047
I'm not seeing
anybody right now.
391
00:14:07,147 --> 00:14:09,449
I hate you.
392
00:14:09,549 --> 00:14:10,350
No.
393
00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:11,484
We broke up.
394
00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:12,385
Yeah.
395
00:14:12,485 --> 00:14:14,421
Well, just didn't work out.
396
00:14:14,521 --> 00:14:15,322
Yeah.
397
00:14:15,422 --> 00:14:16,489
I know you liked him, Mom.
398
00:14:16,589 --> 00:14:20,627
But then you didn't
have to sleep with him.
399
00:14:20,727 --> 00:14:23,096
Yes.
400
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:25,865
I'm kidding, Mom.
Yeah.
401
00:14:25,966 --> 00:14:28,068
I'm sorry.
402
00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:29,802
I'm sorry.
403
00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:31,638
I'm sorry.
404
00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:32,539
No.
405
00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:33,540
Don't have a job yet.
406
00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:34,474
No.
407
00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:37,210
There's just
nothing that I like.
408
00:14:37,310 --> 00:14:38,878
I know exactly
how old I am, Mom.
409
00:14:38,979 --> 00:14:40,813
I don't know why you have
to do this to me every time.
410
00:14:40,914 --> 00:14:42,082
This is crazy.
411
00:14:42,182 --> 00:14:44,351
She knows exactly what to
say to me to make me nuts.
412
00:14:44,451 --> 00:14:47,487
Give me the phone.
413
00:14:47,587 --> 00:14:50,057
Hello, Beverly dear.
414
00:14:50,157 --> 00:14:51,324
It's your mother.
415
00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:52,225
Yes.
416
00:14:52,325 --> 00:14:54,094
And the same to you, sweetheart.
417
00:14:54,194 --> 00:14:55,562
Yes.
418
00:14:55,662 --> 00:14:56,463
No.
419
00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:57,530
It didn't come.
420
00:14:57,630 --> 00:14:58,431
No.
421
00:14:58,531 --> 00:14:59,732
It didn't come.
422
00:14:59,832 --> 00:15:00,633
Oh really?
423
00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:02,335
A houseplant.
424
00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:03,236
No, no.
425
00:15:03,336 --> 00:15:04,504
It didn't come.
426
00:15:04,604 --> 00:15:05,405
It came.
427
00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:06,906
I put it on Marvin's grave.
428
00:15:09,676 --> 00:15:11,011
Well, don't worry about it.
429
00:15:11,111 --> 00:15:12,612
It's the thought that counts.
430
00:15:12,712 --> 00:15:15,115
Yes, especially since
I didn't get it.
431
00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:19,119
Tell me, Beverly.
432
00:15:19,219 --> 00:15:21,488
How's that nice
husband of yours?
433
00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:25,858
Is he still reading
those funny magazines?
434
00:15:25,959 --> 00:15:30,230
Beverly, perhaps you should
show him more affection.
435
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:33,533
You know, let him
talk once in a while.
436
00:15:33,633 --> 00:15:34,434
Yeah.
437
00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:35,668
You know how it is.
438
00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:39,039
Men that age often get their
heads turned by younger,
439
00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:41,208
more attentive women.
440
00:15:41,308 --> 00:15:47,547
And the next thing you know, the
wife is out shopping for a cat.
441
00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:49,749
No, no, dear.
442
00:15:49,849 --> 00:15:53,686
No, I did not mean
anything by it.
443
00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:55,388
It's just that you never know.
444
00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:56,956
I didn't say it
would happen to you.
445
00:15:57,057 --> 00:15:58,691
She's the best.
446
00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:01,461
[music playing]
447
00:16:02,929 --> 00:16:08,068
(SINGING) It's so hard
to find a personality
448
00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:11,438
which [inaudible] for me.
449
00:16:11,538 --> 00:16:12,905
Ooo-wee.
450
00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:14,807
Ooo-wee.
451
00:16:14,907 --> 00:16:16,176
Ooo-wee.
452
00:16:16,276 --> 00:16:18,045
Bring it home, Chuck.
453
00:16:18,145 --> 00:16:21,014
(SINGING) What's your name?
454
00:16:21,114 --> 00:16:24,451
What's your name?
455
00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:27,420
Shoobee doo bop bop.
456
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:28,388
Ooo-wee-oo-oo.
457
00:16:31,458 --> 00:16:34,794
[cheers]
458
00:16:34,894 --> 00:16:37,730
[interposing voices]
459
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:38,865
This is gross.
460
00:16:38,965 --> 00:16:42,369
Let's go watch TV.
461
00:16:42,469 --> 00:16:43,303
Any requests?
462
00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:44,204
Yeah.
463
00:16:44,304 --> 00:16:45,572
I do have one.
464
00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:46,473
OK.
465
00:16:46,573 --> 00:16:48,375
You know that song?
OK.
466
00:16:48,475 --> 00:16:50,777
(SINGING) Michael
rode the boat ashore.
467
00:16:50,877 --> 00:16:51,978
Would you play
something Roseanne
468
00:16:52,079 --> 00:16:53,613
doesn't know the words to?
469
00:16:53,713 --> 00:16:56,249
Like it's going to stop me.
470
00:16:56,349 --> 00:16:57,517
Don't you listen to her.
471
00:16:57,617 --> 00:17:00,820
You have a beautiful voice.
472
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,790
Play something else, Dan.
473
00:17:03,890 --> 00:17:07,527
(SINGING) I don't like you.
474
00:17:07,627 --> 00:17:10,230
But I love you.
475
00:17:10,330 --> 00:17:17,137
Seems like I'm always
thinking of you.
476
00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:21,474
Oh, you do me badly.
477
00:17:21,574 --> 00:17:23,676
I love you madly.
478
00:17:23,776 --> 00:17:28,381
You really got a hold on me.
479
00:17:28,481 --> 00:17:34,187
(SINGING) I don't
want you but I need you.
480
00:17:34,287 --> 00:17:40,193
Don't want to kiss
you but I need to.
481
00:17:40,293 --> 00:17:45,432
Oh, oh, you do me wrong now.
482
00:17:45,532 --> 00:17:46,799
My love is strong now.
483
00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:51,871
You really got a hold on me.
484
00:17:51,971 --> 00:17:58,478
I said you really
got a hold on me.
485
00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:01,914
Baby, I love you.
486
00:18:02,014 --> 00:18:06,052
And all I want you
to do is just hold
487
00:18:06,153 --> 00:18:13,860
me, hold me, hold me, hold me.
488
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:16,829
You really got a hold on me.
489
00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:23,870
[cheers]
490
00:18:23,970 --> 00:18:26,773
Man.
491
00:18:26,873 --> 00:18:30,177
[music playing]
492
00:18:32,712 --> 00:18:34,013
I love you, Nana.
493
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:35,915
I love you, too, Becky.
494
00:18:36,015 --> 00:18:37,116
And listen.
495
00:18:37,217 --> 00:18:39,352
If your mother gives you
a hard time, you call me.
496
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:40,453
You've got it.
497
00:18:40,553 --> 00:18:42,922
All right, honey.
498
00:18:43,022 --> 00:18:44,891
OK, little wise ass.
499
00:18:44,991 --> 00:18:47,327
Say goodbye.
500
00:18:47,427 --> 00:18:48,461
I'll see you soon.
501
00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:49,696
You bet you will.
502
00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:51,063
You owe me $112 bucks.
503
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:56,203
Can't you even stay and have
a cup of coffee before you go?
504
00:18:56,303 --> 00:18:57,337
No, no.
505
00:18:57,437 --> 00:18:59,005
As a matter of fact, I
have to go right now.
506
00:18:59,105 --> 00:19:02,875
Sex Talk Radio is
on in five minutes.
507
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:04,844
If I don't call, they worry.
508
00:19:08,315 --> 00:19:10,983
Well, Roseanne,
everything was beautiful.
509
00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:11,884
Come on.
510
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:12,885
Let's get it over with.
511
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:14,153
What?
512
00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:16,989
What you ask me
every time we visit.
513
00:19:17,089 --> 00:19:18,258
You always say no.
514
00:19:18,358 --> 00:19:19,259
Yeah.
515
00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:21,093
Well, I might say yes some time.
- No.
516
00:19:21,194 --> 00:19:21,994
You're just setting me up.
517
00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:22,895
Come on.
518
00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:23,863
How do you know that?
519
00:19:23,963 --> 00:19:24,997
I know what you're doing.
520
00:19:25,097 --> 00:19:27,800
Oh, for crying out loud.
521
00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:29,168
Grandma, come live with us.
522
00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:30,069
It won't be a burden.
523
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:31,204
We'll make room.
524
00:19:31,304 --> 00:19:32,605
OK?
525
00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:33,506
No.
526
00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:35,675
She's got to say it.
527
00:19:35,775 --> 00:19:36,809
You're nothing to her.
528
00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:38,978
See?
529
00:19:39,078 --> 00:19:39,879
All right.
530
00:19:39,979 --> 00:19:41,080
Well, we all love you, Grandma.
531
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,315
And we want you to
come live with us.
532
00:19:42,415 --> 00:19:44,551
OK?
533
00:19:44,651 --> 00:19:45,452
No thanks.
534
00:19:45,552 --> 00:19:47,820
I knew it
535
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:51,524
Well, come here.
536
00:19:51,624 --> 00:19:52,959
DJ, Nana is leaving.
537
00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:58,197
Hello, you.
538
00:19:58,298 --> 00:19:59,832
Sweetie pie, you're going
to come and visit me.
539
00:19:59,932 --> 00:20:00,733
Promise?
540
00:20:00,833 --> 00:20:03,069
- Do you have to go?
- Uh huh.
541
00:20:03,169 --> 00:20:04,271
How come?
542
00:20:04,371 --> 00:20:07,874
Your mother really
doesn't want me around here.
543
00:20:07,974 --> 00:20:09,842
You're such a
horrible old lady.
544
00:20:09,942 --> 00:20:10,743
That's true.
545
00:20:10,843 --> 00:20:11,944
And just think.
546
00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:15,181
In 40 years, you are going
to be exactly like me.
547
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:22,121
Well, I guess that gives you
something to look forward to.
548
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:27,527
[music playing]
549
00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:36,803
[interposing voices]
550
00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:38,705
(SINGING) A one,
two, three, four.
551
00:20:38,805 --> 00:20:40,139
We're going to the country.
552
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:42,108
We're going to the freak show.
553
00:20:42,208 --> 00:20:46,446
We're going to the
freak show tonight.
554
00:20:46,546 --> 00:20:49,616
It don't cost no money cause
it ain't so doggone funny.
555
00:20:49,716 --> 00:20:52,018
We're going to the
freak show tonight.
556
00:20:55,054 --> 00:20:59,892
[cheers & claps]
557
00:21:02,962 --> 00:21:04,364
(SINGING) It ain't
too doggone funny.
558
00:21:04,464 --> 00:21:09,802
Hey, going to the
freak show every night.
559
00:21:09,902 --> 00:21:11,304
He's a-dancin.
560
00:21:11,404 --> 00:21:14,073
I put him up on the barn
to do that for pickled eggs
561
00:21:14,173 --> 00:21:15,708
last week.
562
00:21:15,808 --> 00:21:19,346
We got Roy Thorpe coming out
next, the Hee-Haw Honeys,
563
00:21:19,446 --> 00:21:24,717
the Dallas cowboy cheerleaders,
and the National Inbreeding
564
00:21:24,817 --> 00:21:27,086
finalist, [inaudible]
coming to ya!
565
00:21:27,186 --> 00:21:29,489
(SINGING) We're going
to the freak show.
566
00:21:29,589 --> 00:21:31,290
We're going to the freak show.
567
00:21:31,391 --> 00:21:33,993
Going to the freak show tonight.
568
00:21:34,093 --> 00:21:35,328
Yee-haw.
569
00:21:35,428 --> 00:21:38,798
It don't cost no money cause
it ain't that doggone funny.
570
00:21:38,898 --> 00:21:42,168
We're going to the
freak show every night.
571
00:21:42,218 --> 00:21:46,768
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