Original subtitles

[music playing]

[theme music]

DARLENE: Boy, this Mother's Day thing really bites.

Yeah.

A whole Sunday totally wasted.

It's like her birthday wasn't enough.

You know what?

Your mom works real hard all year.

And she deserves one day when she can relax and do nothing.

Well, what about us?

I don't remember us getting, like, a kids day?

Some day, my precious angel, you will be a parent

and you will realize that every day is kids day.

Oh man, you just want to smack them when they say that.

Well, OK.

I didn't park in the driveway just like you told

me, cleaned the entire house, went shopping

for all the barbecue items.

I wonder if there's anything else I can do

while I'm queen for a damn day.

Did you remember the beer?

Just wait till Father's Day.

Well, you do not have to go to a station break

when I'm here in the middle of my opinion.

No.

All right.

All right.

Do it your way.

I'm on hold.

What's the topic?

Meat.

This Ted from Toledo thinks it's mean to kill cows.

What does he want us to do?

Eat them alive?

That That is very good.

I'm going to use that.

What took you so long?

She made me pull over three times so she could phone

in and express her outrage.

Listen, Jackie.

You be glad that you live in a country

where anybody can pull over to a Stuckey's and express

their freedom of speech.

And get a nice pecan log.

Hey, Ted.

Listen to me.

I am at a barbecue.

What do you suggest we put on the grill?

Broccoli?

When did you guys get here?

A couple of minutes ago.

Just a minute.

Hold on.

Danny, my favorite grandson-in-law.

Hey, kids.

Nana Mary is here.

Giving them what for, Grandma?

I'm trying to.

But you know, the kind of people that

call into these talk shows, they're

not the brightest in the world.

Hi, Nana Mary.

Nana Mary.

Wait a minute.

Hold on, hold on.

My three gorgeous great grandchildren just walked in.

And guess what?

You're never going to believe it.

But little Darlene has boobies.

[theme music]

[cackles]

Do you remember that Ethel Schneider?

Remember her?

I told you about her.

She lived in the apartment across the hall?

Yeah.

The one with the rich grandson that would

be perfect for you, Jackie?

That's the one.

What about her?

Dead.

Oh God.

Well, is the grandson going to be at the funeral?

Because you could wear the black sweater with the scoop neck.

Will you two please just knock it off?

I don't want to talk about my love life anymore.

And I don't want to talk about dead people.

Is it all right if I talk about my love life?

JACKIE: Yes, fine.

Well, you remember that Marvin Spencer I told you about?

He was the one with the hot pants for me?

Oh yeah.

So he asked you out?

Yes, once.

Oh, we had a wonderful time.

He never called me again.

JACKIE: Why not?

Dead.

I'm leaving.

You coward.

Grandma, you oughta move in with us

so we could do this to Jackie all the time.

Roseanne, we've been through this before.

Suppose I didn't like living here.

Then you'd fit right in.

Can I bring anything out to the table?

Chips or dip or something?

No.

I don't want you to take anything, Crystal.

Now, Roseanne.

Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean I can't pitch in.

Crystal, it's because you eat everything

before you get it out there.

Well, baby's hungry.

You keep feeding him like that, he's

never going to want to leave.

Mary, I can't tell you how good it is to see you again.

Yeah.

Me too, sweetheart.

You know you've always been gorgeous.

But right now you're simply glowing.

Wow, what a nice thing to say.

I'm glad to see that bad manners don't run in the family.

Who is that again?

That's Crystal.

You know, she married Dan's dad.

Oh, right.

Look.

I don't like to talk bad about people.

Never.

And I know she's one of your best friends.

But that's a sick thing.

- Company. - Hey.

Hey, hi.

I'm glad you could make it.

I made deviled eggs.

Where do you want me to put them?

Take them out back.

But don't let Crystal see them.

Hey, this must be Chuck, Jr.

Mhm.

Couldn't be.

The Chuck Junior who I fed and clothed for 16 years

would never have forgotten Mother's Day.

Oh, Ma.

Shut up.

Hello?

Oh yeah.

This is Chuck and Marie and the evil Chuck,

Jr. This is my grandmother, Mary.

Wow.

It's nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

It's a real pleasure.

Yes, me too.

And I want you to know I'm not prejudiced.

[music playing]

Ann-Marie, these deviled eggs are good.

I should've made more.

Oh, baby just kicked.

It's OK, honey.

We're at a barbecue at your brother Dan's house.

And all our friends are here.

I read that you should talk to the baby in the womb

so that he can get used to your voice.

And he can even understand a little.

Hey, baby.

Back off the buffet.

NANA MARY: Rosie.

What?

NANA MARY: I need a big bowl.

Uh, it's in the cupboard next to the sink.

Do you believe her?

She throws me out of my own damn kitchen

so she can make her secret potato salad.

Isn't she great?

Uh oh.

We're out of coffee.

I'll go make some more. - Forget about it.

This ain't work.

If people want more coffee, they can go in there

and make it theirselves.

That's just what she says at the restaurant.

Bonnie, hey.

How come your husband didn't show?

Oh, Duke.

He couldn't come.

He's still got 20 hours of community service to do.

Look at the sweater my daughter sent me from Oregon.

CRYSTAL: It's really pretty, Bonnie.

Nice color for you.

Now she remembered Mother's Day

and she's all the way in Oregon.

Oh, Ma.

You know, There's worse things, Ann-Marie.

My kids all got together and chipped in and bought me some

of these strawberry bath beads.

I'm giving them out for Halloween.

NANA MARY: Rosie.

What?

NANA MARY: Where do you keep the Tabasco sauce?

In the fridge door.

Hey.

She puts Tabasco sauce in the potato salad.

NANA MARY: No way.

I'm making myself a Bloody Mary.

Say,

Dan.

You know you might think about stacking

those coals like a pyramid.

No, no, no, no, no.

See, this way you get them all with the lighter fluid.

You stack them, you miss the ones in the middle.

Why don't you spray them first and stack them after?

No, no, no.

See, all your fluid's going to evaporate if you do that.

Trust me.

They light better this way.

Now see, I disagree.

See, the way you've got them, they're all spread

out working it all alone.

But if you stack them, they're working like a team.

Well, let me ask you something, Chuck.

Once you have them stacked in a pyramid,

are you going to cook in a pyramid.

Of course not.

You're going to spread them out.

Well, if they're going to wind up spread out,

why not start them spread out?

See, Dan.

You don't understand. - No.

I understand. You're just arguing in circles.

That's all. - Listen.

No, Dan. If--

Well, you know what I'd do?

The ones that didn't light, I'd like blast them

with another shot of the fluid.

[interposing voices]

You blast hot coals with lighter

fluid, you're going to get blown into next week, man.

[interposing voices]

Fine.

So Dan, you know those burgers are looking pretty thick.

I don't think they're going to cook.

Well, I'm going to stack them in a pyramid

so they'll cook as a team.

So Arnie, how come you're not at your mother's house?

I owe her money.

[music playing]

You got to beat a 10.

I gotta beat a 10.

Queen. I win.

Give me the money.

Man, I'm down, like, $9.

How about double or nothing?

Darlene, you got that kind of money?

I'll owe it to you.

No can do.

Jeez, I'm your great granddaughter.

Don't you trust me?

When we're playing cards for money, you're nothing to me.

Don't even think about it.

Why can't he have some potato salad?

I don't like him.

He keeps hitting on me.

All right. Come on, Becky.

Cut. - No, No, no.

I'm not playing.

You're cheating.

You're accusing your Nana of cheating?

Nana, you haven't lost once.

All right.

So I'm due now.

Cut.

No way.

Becky, how could Nana cheat at cutting cards?

It's her deck, Einstein.

For that, you are out of the will.

Well, I want a new deck.

All right.

I happen to have one here.

[music playing]

OK.

One, two, three. Shoot.

OK.

I pick first.

I got Lonny.

OK.

Oh jeez.

Yeah, I guess I got Becky.

CHUCK JR: Let's see.

Hell no.

Pick me, man.

I'm good.

Roseanne, this is a great party.

We're having a good time.

Oh well, I'm real glad you could make it.

- And I love your grandmother. - Yeah.

I do, too.

How old is she?

She looks good.

I don't know.

I don't think anybody knows.

The only people that ever knew are dead.

For my wife on Mother's Day.

Oh, shucks.

Wait a minute.

You mean your husband gives you a present for Mother's Day?

- Mhm. - I'll be right back.

Chuck?

Too heavy to be vacuum cleaner bags.

Come on.

It ain't like it's our anniversary or nothing?

Oven mitts?

Would you just open it?

All right.

For Pete's sake.

Oh, it's a picture of you and the kids.

Where's my real present?

No.

I remember the day you took this.

That's when you and the kids sneaked off for a couple hours.

And I got the house all to myself.

That was your real present.

Wow.

It's really nice.

You think I'd forget my wife on Mother's Day?

Did you call your mother?

[music playing]

Yeah, Mom.

I'm good.

Everybody's good.

I just called to say Happy Mother's Day.

Oh, hey.

You got the robe.

Yeah, I picked it out myself.

Thank you, dear.

Oh, Dad's fine.

He got stuck out of town on business.

So we're sort of feeding Crystal for him.

Listen, I got a houseful of people here.

So I got to go.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

I miss you, too.

Listen, I've got burgers cooking on the grill.

So yeah.

Yeah, Mom.

I love you, too.

Yeah, we-- Oh, look.

DJ's hair is on fire.

I gotta--

Yeah, Ma.

Well, we're just real sorry that you and Dad couldn't make it.

Yeah, Grandma's here.

She's in there taking a nap.

Yeah. Uh huh.

Jackie? - No.

Don't. No.

No. - Yeah.

She's here.

Uh huh.

The kids are fine.

Did you get the blouse we sent you?

Well, no.

The shoulders are supposed to be big like that.

Well, if you don't like it, send it back.

I'll get you something else.

No.

Don't pretend like you like it if you don't like it.

It's no big deal.

Send it back and we'll exchange it.

No.

It's no problem.

If it was a problem, I would tell you.

I would.

I would.

I would.

Oh hang on a minute.

Jackie just came in.

She really wants to talk to you.

No.

Hi, Mom.

Hi.

How are you doing?

How's Dad?

Good.

Well, my love to everybody. Actually, no.

I'm not.

I'm not seeing anybody right now.

I hate you.

No.

We broke up.

Yeah.

Well, just didn't work out.

Yeah.

I know you liked him, Mom.

But then you didn't have to sleep with him.

Yes.

I'm kidding, Mom. Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

No.

Don't have a job yet.

No.

There's just nothing that I like.

I know exactly how old I am, Mom.

I don't know why you have to do this to me every time.

This is crazy.

She knows exactly what to say to me to make me nuts.

Give me the phone.

Hello, Beverly dear.

It's your mother.

Yes.

And the same to you, sweetheart.

Yes.

No.

It didn't come.

No.

It didn't come.

Oh really?

A houseplant.

No, no.

It didn't come.

It came.

I put it on Marvin's grave.

Well, don't worry about it.

It's the thought that counts.

Yes, especially since I didn't get it.

Tell me, Beverly.

How's that nice husband of yours?

Is he still reading those funny magazines?

Beverly, perhaps you should show him more affection.

You know, let him talk once in a while.

Yeah.

You know how it is.

Men that age often get their heads turned by younger,

more attentive women.

And the next thing you know, the wife is out shopping for a cat.

No, no, dear.

No, I did not mean anything by it.

It's just that you never know.

I didn't say it would happen to you.

She's the best.

[music playing]

(SINGING) It's so hard to find a personality

which [inaudible] for me.

Ooo-wee.

Ooo-wee.

Ooo-wee.

Bring it home, Chuck.

(SINGING) What's your name?

What's your name?

Shoobee doo bop bop.

Ooo-wee-oo-oo.

[cheers]

[interposing voices]

This is gross.

Let's go watch TV.

Any requests?

Yeah.

I do have one.

OK.

You know that song? OK.

(SINGING) Michael rode the boat ashore.

Would you play something Roseanne

doesn't know the words to?

Like it's going to stop me.

Don't you listen to her.

You have a beautiful voice.

Play something else, Dan.

(SINGING) I don't like you.

But I love you.

Seems like I'm always thinking of you.

Oh, you do me badly.

I love you madly.

You really got a hold on me.

(SINGING) I don't want you but I need you.

Don't want to kiss you but I need to.

Oh, oh, you do me wrong now.

My love is strong now.

You really got a hold on me.

I said you really got a hold on me.

Baby, I love you.

And all I want you to do is just hold

me, hold me, hold me, hold me.

You really got a hold on me.

[cheers]

Man.

[music playing]

I love you, Nana.

I love you, too, Becky.

And listen.

If your mother gives you a hard time, you call me.

You've got it.

All right, honey.

OK, little wise ass.

Say goodbye.

I'll see you soon.

You bet you will.

You owe me $112 bucks.

Can't you even stay and have a cup of coffee before you go?

No, no.

As a matter of fact, I have to go right now.

Sex Talk Radio is on in five minutes.

If I don't call, they worry.

Well, Roseanne, everything was beautiful.

Come on.

Let's get it over with.

What?

What you ask me every time we visit.

You always say no.

Yeah.

Well, I might say yes some time. - No.

You're just setting me up.

Come on.

How do you know that?

I know what you're doing.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Grandma, come live with us.

It won't be a burden.

We'll make room.

OK?

No.

She's got to say it.

You're nothing to her.

See?

All right.

Well, we all love you, Grandma.

And we want you to come live with us.

OK?

No thanks.

I knew it

Well, come here.

DJ, Nana is leaving.

Hello, you.

Sweetie pie, you're going to come and visit me.

Promise?

- Do you have to go? - Uh huh.

How come?

Your mother really doesn't want me around here.

You're such a horrible old lady.

That's true.

And just think.

In 40 years, you are going to be exactly like me.

Well, I guess that gives you something to look forward to.

[music playing]

[interposing voices]

(SINGING) A one, two, three, four.

We're going to the country.

We're going to the freak show.

We're going to the freak show tonight.

It don't cost no money cause it ain't so doggone funny.

We're going to the freak show tonight.

[cheers & claps]

(SINGING) It ain't too doggone funny.

Hey, going to the freak show every night.

He's a-dancin.

I put him up on the barn to do that for pickled eggs

last week.

We got Roy Thorpe coming out next, the Hee-Haw Honeys,

the Dallas cowboy cheerleaders, and the National Inbreeding

finalist, [inaudible] coming to ya!

(SINGING) We're going to the freak show.

We're going to the freak show.

Going to the freak show tonight.

Yee-haw.

It don't cost no money cause it ain't that doggone funny.

We're going to the freak show every night.

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