Original subtitles

[music]

[theme music]

JACKIE: Well, yeah.

So this one's OK.

No.

You don't want to get a used washer and dryer.

I can't afford a new one.

You're going to put clothes that touch your body

into somebody's filthy machine?

I do it here all the time.

Here but our filth is family.

What's your problem?

I just think if you get a washer and dryer,

you're not going to come around here no more.

I'm still going to come over.

No, you won't.

Nobody comes here unless they have to.

I got to eat.

Don't I? - Yeah.

And you'll probably learn how to cook.

And then you'll start going off to the supermarket

with your fancy new washer and dryer.

OK, OK.

I'll throw the paper away.

You're in no condition to discuss this now.

Mom, can I have the car on Saturday night?

Yeah.

Only if you promise to bring it back really

dirty and totally out of gas.

Well, Mark's truck is in the shop.

So I'm driving us to the spring dance.

Spring dance.

Boy, does that bring back memories.

Yeah Waiting around for weeks for some cool guy to ask you.

And then ending up going with some loser like Glen Dickerson.

Why?

Was he a geek or something?

Ask Jackie.

It's her memory.

No.

He was not a geek.

He was the only kid in 10th grade that carried a lunch box.

OK, champ.

Let's ice down that pitching arm.

How was the game?

Oh, it was OK.

OK?

She was throwing BBs out there.

[phone rings]

BECKY: I'll get it.

11 strikeouts. No walks.

She made their best hitter cry.

Yeah.

I beaned her right in the neck.

Wow.

That was an accident, right?

Grow up.

It's for you, Darlene.

It's Barry.

Yeah?

Hey, Barry. How are you doing?

Hey.

Did Crystal drop anything off for me here today?

There's an envelope there on the counter.

Yes.

Thanks to my well-connected father,

I now possess two tickets to the Bulls playoff

game this Saturday night.

Well, don't expect me to go to a baseball game with you.

It's basketball, Roseanne.

Ah, get off my back.

The answer still no.

Damn, I guess I'll have to find somebody else then.

Hey, I like basketball.

Really.

How fascinating.

But you know?

I think I'm going to surprise Darlene with these.

How bizarre.

That was Barry.

And he just invited me to the spring dance.

Well, all right, Butch.

When is this thing, Darlene?

Oh, it's this Saturday night.

Saturday, huh?

Yeah.

Can you drive us?

No problem.

Oh,

Darlene.

Congratulations.

It's your first formal dance.

God, you'll remember this for the rest of your life.

Honey, what are you going to wear?

Well, I was thinking I'd go down to the mall--

Sh, sh, sh.

I'm not talking to you.

[theme music]

[cackle]

[music playing]

OK.

So whatever I decide that Darlene likes best, we'll keep.

And what do you think of these shoes with that blue dress?

Oh, clash.

You know?

What about something with an open toe?

No.

Nobody wants to see her feet.

Ah, Roseanne.

And Bonnie.

Hi, Leon.

This is Linda Wagner from Rod Bell's company headquarters.

She's here to see how hard we're always working.

Oh cool.

Hey, Linda.

What do you think of these shoes with this dress?

I think they work.

Roseanne is sort of our restaurant cut up.

Let's try this again.

Shall we?

Miss Wagner is here to look over our store

and evaluate our employees.

That doesn't mean I have to take a lie detector test,

does it?

Because every time I take one of them, I get fired.

- Oh god. - No.

What I'd really like to do is just conduct a short interview

with each of you.

Fantastic. OK.

Who would like to start?

Roseanne, I think I see your hand up there.

Perfect.

All right, Bonnie.

Why don't we just leave these two

alone to chat while we tidy up and serve our happy customers?

I promise this won't take long.

Well, now this ain't one of those "if I could be

any animal on earth, what animal would I be" kind of deals,

is it?

No.

Let me start by asking you about your boss.

Oh.

So it is an animal question.

I was wondering, is he single?

Leon?

Of course he's single.

Well, I find him very attractive.

Don't you?

Well, OK.

I suppose that in kind of an off beat--

oh, what the hell?

Put me down for no.

There's just something about him.

He's got this mysterious charisma.

Uh huh.

It's strange.

The second I looked at him, this voice in my head said,

I want that man.

How long you've been on the road, Linda?

Almost six weeks. Why?

Time to go home.

[music playing]

Darlene, would you please come down here?

Jeez, where is she? I want to see some action.

Oh, oh, you know this is so exciting.

Sometimes I wish my Lonny was a little girl

so I could get him all dolled up in a pretty dress.

I don't do that, of course.

Oh well, take my breath away.

This is exquisite.

Obviously a woman of taste.

You look weird.

You smell weird.

What?

Hm.

Try on the blue one.

Why?

Because I really don't know how I feel about this

dress until I see you in the blue one.

Oh God.

Becky.

Go with her.

Don't leave her alone with that dress.

[music playing]

This is a joke, right?

No.

It's not bad.

Well, come on.

I mean you've been to these things before.

Is this going to work?

Well, that depends on what you're going as.

Yeah.

Well, what are you wearing?

Oh I decided not to go.

These things are so immature.

Mark bailed.

Huh?

Well, it was kind of awkward for him.

I mean, the Spanish teacher he was dating in 11th grade

is going to be chaperone.

OK.

You want to look in the mirror?

Sure.

Oh, why did I do that?

OK.

She wants to see the blue dress.

Let's show her the blue dress.

It's too blue.

Looked better on the hanger.

Rhubarb with hair.

Makes too much noise when I walk.

Makes me look lopsided.

Well, you do look like Judy Jetson.

[music playing]

ROSEANNE: Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is definitely it.

Mhm.

Mom, this is the first one that I had on.

I know that.

But these shoes.

You see, they totally make the difference.

They make the outfit.

Am I right? - Oh yeah.

Nice shoes.

Yeah.

The shoes, definitely.

See, but now you're going to have to start shaving

your legs below the sock line.

Those aren't socks.

Oh, Dan.

Come on in here and meet your beautiful, young daughter.

Wow.

You look incredible.

DARLENE: Thanks.

ROSEANNE: Maybe you ought to see her in the yellow one.

- Mom. - No, no, no, no.

This is perfect.

Besides, I have the first dance.

May I?

Oh, just shoot me now.

You really do look nice, you know.

Thanks.

And you dance divinely.

I'm stepping all over your feet.

I happen to enjoy that.

I hate slow dancing.

Well, listen.

If this Barry guy tries to hold you too close,

just tell him you're going to throw up.

Oh I thought I'd save that for when he wants to have sex.

Gotta go.

Mom, I'm going to go change into human clothes.

Oh no. No.

We've got to decide what we're going to do about your hair.

Stop it.

No.

I like my hair the way it is.

I know what we'll do.

We'll go and get a makeover.

We'll all go together Saturday before the dance.

No.

Forget it.

Come on, Darlene.

This is something I always wanted to do with you.

It'd be like a girl thing.

Mom, I have practice on Saturday.

Well, you can just miss it.

No, I can't.

If I miss practice, I might not get to start in the next game.

Well, gee.

Darlene, this is your first formal dance.

It's way more important.

Yeah?

Well, then why don't you go?

Because I have nothing to wear.

[door slam]

Well you better go practice.

You missed me by a mile.

Hey, hey.

That's not paid for yet.

Take it back.

Take them all back.

I'll get my own dress.

You pick it up.

No.

Pick it up, Darlene.

Why?

So you can play Barbie doll some more?

Forget it.

What are you talking about?

I bought you a beautiful dress for the dance.

Oh, give me a break.

Why don't you give me this kind of attention

when I do real stuff like striking out 11

guys without walking anybody?

OK.

Way to go.

Yeah.

You ever brag about that to Jackie and Crystal?

No.

But all of a sudden, some guy asked me to some lame dance

and I'm a big deal.

That's so sick.

Well, how come you never said anything about this before now?

Oh why bother?

No. You come here.

I want to talk about this some more.

Fine.

Go ahead.

Man.

You are such a spoiled brat--

[music playing]

Roseanne?

I told you I wanted every customer to have a flower.

Oh, not now, Leon.

I ain't in the mood.

Roseanne, this customer does not have a flower.

So find a vase and give him one.

Well, someone forgot to take her polite pill this morning.

Huh?

Leon, why don't you lay off?

She's having a bad day.

Good afternoon, everybody.

Ms. Wagner.

For you.

A freshly cut spring flower.

How sweet.

Hey, Leon.

I've got to get out of here early

so I can go to my kid's baseball game.

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This is our evaluation day.

Remember?

Now, please have a seat.

And observe your well-oiled Rod Bell's machine in action.

I have a better idea.

Shoot.

Why don't the two of us find a nice little Italian restaurant,

order a bottle of Chianti, and get to know each other?

Whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Way too much information in that sentence.

These evaluations are just so dull.

I thought we could find something more exciting to do.

You're coming on to me here, right?

I'm trying.

Well, I would like a cup of coffee.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

Sure.

Go for it, stud.

No way.

Come on, Leon.

Where else are you going to find a woman

that good-looking and that desperate?

Nope.

Not interested.

Well, go on over there.

You know, if you take her out, I can leave.

So stop acting like you've got some integrity and go do it.

No.

I'm not looking for this kind of relationship.

Oh, she don't want no relationship.

She just wants a little slap and tickle.

Think of it as a career move, Leon.

Yeah, Leon.

Maybe you'll get promoted to some restaurant where, like,

the employees respect you.

Look, I'm not sleeping with her

just so you can go home early.

Jeez, ask you for one little favor.

Linda, I really appreciate your offer.

It's very flattering.

But I'm already seeing somebody else.

You are not.

Am too.

Leon, don't worry.

It's OK.

But it could have been fun.

OK.

Let's talk about this restaurant.

Thank you.

Rosie, am I missing something here?

I mean, what does she see in him?

Oh.

I mean if you were single, would you even--

No.

Well, what if he was, like, rich?

No.

Or like a movie star?

- No. - Royalty or something?

Uh huh, no.

Uh huh.

If he were the last man on earth?

I'd demand a recount.

[music playing]

DAN: I didn't think I could use the tickets

so I gave them to a friend.

Yeah, Dad.

I know how hard it was for you to get the tickets.

But well, now Darlene is not going to dance.

So OK.

How many coffee filters would you have to sell for me

to get two more tickets?

OK.

Put me down for 25,000.

Yeah, Dad.

See what you could do.

Thanks.

Honey, the kids are going to have to start drinking coffee.

What's this about Darlene's not going to the dance?

Yeah. She called Barry and backed out.

Damn it.

I knew that was going to happen.

Now I have to go talk to her.

The thing is, Dan, this is all my fault.

Imagine that.

I mean, you spend all your life trying to teach your kids

that they are always wrong and then something like this

has to go and happen.

Darlene.

Hi.

Hey.

Can I come in?

I guess so.

Well, I tried to get off early from work today

so I could go to your practice.

Yeah.

Well, we don't practice on Fridays.

Oh well, good.

Then I didn't miss anything.

When's the next game?

It's all right, Mom.

You don't have to come.

No.

Next time you bean somebody in the neck,

I want to be there cheering you on.

Fine.

Then you'd just better know that when I pitch, I spit.

So?

When I dust, I spit.

I've got a great idea.

I just thought of this.

Hey.

You ought to call up Barry and tell him that you

will go to the dance, you know?

And just wear whatever you want and have your hair

how ever you want it.

No.

Come on, Darlene.

Don't miss out on this just to get back at me.

There's better ways to get back at me.

Maybe Becky's boyfriend has a little brother.

Mom, I didn't blow the dance because of you.

I mean, it was a lot of things.

Like every time I would put on those dresses,

everybody would start treating me weird.

I just didn't feel like the same person anymore.

Well, you know, you kind of are not quite like same person

anymore.

You know?

Well.

Sorry, I guess I shouldn't do that.

That's OK.

Look, I just may never get into proms and stuff.

I mean I like dating and boys and everything.

It's just that I don't think you should

have to go through all the crap to get to the good stuff.

You've been hanging out with Aunt Jackie too much.

Look.

I'm sorry that I threw that dress on the floor.

It's OK.

They took it back.

Hey, I did buy you these shoes, though, that I think

you'll really, really like.

Here.

Mom, I can't wear those high heels.

Now just open the box.

Oh man.

Golf shoes?

Mom, you got me golf shoes?

Oh.

You mean they're not baseball shoes?

I should have listened to the sales guy.

I just thought these were way cuter.

[music playing]

Let's go, Dad.

It's almost time for tip off.

I had to change into my lucky sweats.

Man, this is going to be way better than some stupid dance.

Hey, I'll bet you $5 Jordan pulls a triple double.

What are you?

Nuts?

You'd have to be crazy to take that bet.

Well, I'll give you the odds.

No way.

So where'd Mom run off to hide this time?

Jackie's.

Oh, you know she's coming to your game Monday.

Yeah, I know.

Hey, you don't think if it's, like, cold

out, she'll run out to the pitcher's

mound to give me my sweater?

Do you?

I think you can pretty much count on it.

As a matter of fact, she's probably

sewing your baseball mitt onto the sleeve

of your uniform right now.

Oh here they come.

Bulls, Bulls, Bulls, Bulls, Bulls, Bulls, Bulls.

Aw, man.

Let it ring.

That's all right.

I'll get it. Come on, man.

Put it up. Put it up.

Foul, foul.

Get in the game.

Speak.

Barry, hey.

No.

I'm not mad at you.

No, I thought you were mad at me.

Pizza?

Now?

Well, I'm kind of watching the game with my dad.

Well, I don't know.

Sure I can ditch him.

Yeah.

I'll see you in like 10.

OK, bye.

Sorry, Dad.

Try to be back by dawn.

Yeah.

We'll play it by ear.

What are you up to, Filbert?

Nothing.

Hey, Deej.

Who do you like in the playoff?

What's a playoff?

Ho-ho-ho.

Park it right here, bud.

I'll tell you all about it.

You got any money?

[music]

Well, another day, another dollar.

Huh, ladies?

Well, I haven't exactly counted my tips yet.

But that sounds about right.

Hey, Leon.

How'd we do on that evaluation?

Well, somehow we did very well.

Well, then it was probably a good thing

that you didn't sleep with her.

Because, you know, we might have all got fired.

Hello, Leon.

You ready?

Yeah.

Almost.

Oh, there's my blue shirt.

I was looking all over for that this morning.

Sorry.

Roseanne, Bonnie, this is my friend, Jerry Gimble.

- Oh hi. - It's nice to meet you.

How do you do? - Nice to meet you, too.

Hi.

Leon had told me so much about both of you.

So Leon, we do have 7 o'clock dinner reservations.

And I'm sure that Phil and Tom are already there.

So perhaps-- - OK.

OK.

Do it all again tomorrow, shall we?

ROSEANNE: Definitely. All righty.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you, too.

Bye. - See you.

Oh.

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