Original subtitles

[theme music]

[laugh]

OK, so is it a boy or a girl?

We've got to wait for the ring to start moving.

Side to side, it's a boy, and up and down, it's a girl.

I don't wanna know.

ROSEANNE: Well then, don't look.

Well, only tell me if it's a girl.

Side to side.

It's a boy.

Oh, I wanted a girl.

Well, you should've laid the other way.

This is stupid.

Yeah, you're right.

Let's do it the scientific way.

Let me look at your butt.

What are you talking about?

It's a scientific fact, Jackie.

If it's a flat pancake butt, it's a girl.

And if it's a big ol' bubble butt, it's a boy.

Hey, I'm not gonna show you my butt.

Come on, just do it.

God, Mom, get a life.

We're just trying to figure out the sex of Crystal's baby.

Who cares?

It's just gonna be another screaming,

whining, bratty, little life-sucking poop machine.

You still want her to babysit?

- Hey. - Hey.

OK, Crystal, what are we gonna name this baby?

Well, we have a tradition in our family.

My grandmother was Ruby, and my mother was Amber,

and I'm Crystal.

So I was thinking that this must stop.

Well, whatever you do, don't give

it some dorky name like Becky.

What's wrong with your dorky name?

It's like a chicken noise.

It's like, (CLUCKING) Becky, Beck--

Beck-- Beck-- Becky.

Hey, you're lucky.

It was the '70s.

You could have been named Frampton or Shibli.

Well, I gotta go.

Help me.

Mom, look.

I ate my Pop-Tart into the shape of a gun.

Boom boom.

I definitely want a girl.

You better tell that to your butt.

Oh, Roseanne.

Remember, Lamaze class tomorrow night.

ROSEANNE: I'll be there. - Bye.

ROSEANNE: See ya.

Wait, you're her Lamaze coach?

What happened to Ed?

No, I'm just a backup in case the baby

comes early, or Ed's out of town or something.

You know, when I have a baby, I wanna deliver

it in a pool of warm water.

I think that's the gentlest way to bring a baby into the world.

Yeah?

And I imagine it keeps the swimmers out

of the shallow end.

I keep telling you, man, you got hurt, you should sue.

I'm fine, Arnie.

Leave me alone.

You're lucky you're alive, man.

What happened, Dan? Are you OK?

Nothing. No, it's OK.

It's no big deal.

I had a little accident down at the job site.

Little accident?

You were almost killed.

It was great.

Dan.

OK, OK, I got in the way of a wrecking ball, but it missed.

[gasp]

Oh, man, that's so lame.

Tell them the good part.

OK, I'll tell them.

OK, so Dan is sitting in the port-o-johnny, right?

Minding his own business.

And the wrecking ball comes in and bam!

Knocked that sucker 17 feet.

I measured it.

Did you see a doctor?

Are you OK?

Yeah, it's just a couple bruises.

Well, it could be like a concussion.

No, it ain't.

I got a hard head.

Does it hurt, Dad?

No, it's OK.

Get away from there.

More embarrassed than anything else.

I crawled out of that thing with my pants down around my ankles.

I looked up, there's 30 people standing around, staring at me.

Man, it was really an awkward moment.

No one knew what to do.

Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to start the applause.

Don't you owe us money?

I gotta go.

Hey.

Hey.

What are you eating?

Salami and peppers.

What?

One brush with death a day isn't enough for you?

I live on the edge.

You want a bite?

Wuss.

What are you doing up?

I couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd go over some bills.

Maybe what happened today is keeping you awake.

Nah.

You weren't, like, worried that something more serious

could happen?

Nope.

So that's our will there, huh?

OK, I was curious about what might

happen to my wife and family if I hadn't had been so lucky.

Oh, come on, Dan.

It's the middle of the night.

Honey, I think we should talk about this.

I mean, what would happen if we both went at the same time,

like in a plane crash?

We never go anywhere, Dan.

A plane would actually have to crash into the sofa.

Honey, we haven't changed this will in 16 years.

Darlene and DJ aren't even in here.

We left Becky to Ziggy.

Well, he was the most responsible person

we knew at the time.

He had his own Texaco card.

What were we thinking?

We were thinking anybody but our parents.

Come on, let's go to bed now.

Honey, how can you go to sleep knowing

the kids aren't taken care of?

What?

Like they are taken care of when we're awake?

Come on, Dan, I'm tired.

I really think we should deal with this.

All right.

We'll decide who gets the kids.

Now-- who do we really hate?

What'd we get up to?

Oh, man.

Do you still want to be cremated?

Yeah.

Not right now.

You know, because it is pretty complicated, you know.

First, I gotta find the urn, then I gotta find the matches.

I was hoping you'd die on a Thursday when it's trash day.

I'll try to expire near the curb, dear.

You know, Dan, when I die, I don't

want you to have one of these funerals where everybody cries,

you know.

I want you to throw a great big party.

Oh, we will, dear.

Morning. DAN: Hey.

ROSEANNE: Hey, girls.

So did you decide which one of us inherits this dump?

What?

Were you eavesdropping?

You've been yakking about it all night.

And face it, Mom, you've got one of those voices

that can bend steel.

Yeah, well, we decided that when we die,

we're dividing everything equally

between the three of you.

I just want the cash.

It has sentimental value.

Don't drink out of the milk carton.

[panting]

What are you doing up so early?

I started jogging again.

I ran all the way over here.

ROSEANNE: Good for you.

Yeah.

I'm just gonna rest here for a second,

and then you can drive me back home.

I'm on my way to work.

You want me to give you a lift?

No, I'm gonna get some breakfast first.

It is the most important mooch of the day.

You be careful.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got any oat bran, or shredded wheat, or--

oh, Cocoa Puffs.

Well, I'm outta here too.

Bye. - Bye.

Don't die.

I'll do my best.

What's that?

Your will?

Yeah, we were up all night trying to figure out who's

gonna get the kids if we die.

Oh, that's gotta be fun.

Yeah, well, don't worry.

You're off the hook.

Huh?

DJ took my keys and locked himself in my truck.

Can I use yours?

Yeah, they're in my purse.

What the hell did he do that for?

He doesn't want me to go to work.

I'll be killed.

Oh, man.

Don't worry. I'll drive him to school.

I'll talk to him.

He'll be fine.

What did that mean, I'm off the hook?

Oh, yeah.

We decided we'll leave the kids with Crystal and Ed.

Why don't I get the kids?

You get the washer and dryer.

We didn't want to separate them.

No, I'm serious.

I'm closer to those kids than anybody.

Yeah, I know, but you know, you're a single woman.

Well, a lot of single women raise families.

Yeah, I know, but you know, they do it from,

like, the time that they're babies.

Roseanne, I have been there since day

one, since they were babies.

You're just trying to tell me I couldn't do it.

No, we just didn't want to burden you.

Which is a really nice way of saying you don't trust me.

Hey.

You'll thank me when I'm dead.

Jack.

King.

OK, you win.

Let's play again.

Don't you have some homework to do or something?

I wanna stay with you.

OK.

You getting hungry?

Yeah.

I guess I oughta get dinner started.

Becky? 7.

7.

BOTH: War.

Yeah, Dad?

Do you know where Mom put that casserole we're

supposed to have for dinner?

Yeah, it's in the refrigerator.

I looked.

I couldn't find it in there.

Jeez, it's right here.

I guess I'll put it in the microwave.

OK.

Hey, um-- could you hand me the aluminum foil?

What for?

You're supposed to keep it covered, aren't you?

Dad, you can't put metal in the microwave.

I was just gonna use a little.

Just forget it.

I'll do it.

Thanks, honey.

- What are you guys doing? - Fixing dinner.

Just getting ready to set the table.

Oh, do you know where Mom keeps her forks?

Do you think I'm dumb enough to fall for that stupid move?

Hey!

Don't call him stupid. - I didn't.

Yes, you did.

Shut up.

You shut up, Darlene!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold on, killer.

DJ, I'll tell you what, why don't you go up

and get washed up for dinner?

OK, Dad.

I'll be right back.

[thud]

What was that?

He's been like that ever since I got home.

He won't let me out of his sight.

Dad, he's crazy.

He's showing concern, which is more

than I can say for certain others in this household,

considering what happened to me yesterday.

You were sitting in a port-o-crapper that

got nailed by a wrecking ball.

I didn't take one shot.

Now that is love.

I'm sorry.

Thank you, dear.

Oh, right, suck up for the inheritance.

OK, in through the nose, abdomen, chest, shoulders.

Fill up with air. Exhale.

Just think of letting go.

Keep the breathing moving.

Coaches, help mom relax.

You know, so anyway, then Jackie gets all bent

out of shape, you know?

Like, trying to make me feel all guilty.

Well, she can't take care of three kids, you know.

I mean, have you ever seen her fridge?

She's got, like, one egg and a can of margarita mix.

Coaches, a little word of encouragement for mom.

That a girl, Crystal.

OK, let's take a little timeout here.

I'm sure a lot of you have been thinking of questions

since the last class.

Anybody?

Yeah, this is my first baby, and I was wondering how

long it takes to push it out.

18 years.

[laugh]

I take it you've got kids.

Yeah, two or three.

Well, did you use natural childbirth?

Well.

Kind of.

But actually, there's a story that goes along with this.

OK, get off me, Crystal.

Oh, no, Roseanne, you're not gonna scare them, are you?

Oh, we'll see what I say.

OK, well, now my first kid, they just knocked me out,

so I didn't feel anything, and then they handed me the baby,

you know? And she's 16 now.

She's blond and thin.

I don't even think she's really mine.

Anyway, then when I had my third kid,

OK, I hadn't lost any of the weight from my second kid

and, OK, from my first kid either.

And so they were trying to give me

this local deal and everything.

But I kept on feeling all the pain,

and so I keep on begging for more drugs and more drugs,

until finally, the doctor comes over there.

And he goes, I'm sorry, Mrs. Conner, he goes,

but if we give you any more drugs,

it's gonna kill your baby.

[gasp]

So, you know, I thought about it for a while.

Then I said, OK, no drugs, but just hit me in the head

with a sledgehammer, would you?

Of course he wouldn't, and so I end up feeling the whole thing.

Was your husband there?

Oh, yeah, he had taken the classes,

so they had to let him in.

But all in all, I guess I was pretty glad he was there.

Oh, god, this is all your idea.

I hate you!

I know.

Oh, god, it hurts.

Breathe. [breathing]

That helped me before, but it's not helping me now, Dan.

That's because you're not doing it.

Come on, honey, breathe.

How's she doing?

She doing OK?

Contractions are a minute apart.

And she's at 8 centimeters.

8 centimeters!

Hear that, Roseanne?

Way to dilate.

Oh, god, you're such an idiot.

Is your mouth dry, Rosy?

Yes.

You want a Tab?

Get her out of here.

Jackie, why don't you go get some ice?

OK.

I'm sorry I'm being so mean to you, Dan.

You're not, honey.

You're being mean to Jackie.

That's why I brought her.

I can't stand it no more, Dan.

I gotta push. - No, no, no.

Not till the doctor gets here.

Now come on, blow.

[breathing]

OK, OK, it passed.

You're pushing.

(STRAINING) No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

Now, dammit, if you're not gonna do this right,

let's forget the whole thing.

Oh, right, we'll just go home.

God, you're such a moron.

Oh, god, this is horrible.

What's happening to me?

Well, either you're having a baby,

or you just ate the hospital food.

Oh, god, no, not a funny doctor.

Just a little more now, Roseanne.

Get this thing outta me!

OK, we got a head here.

Just one, right?

Keep pushing, Roseanne.

I can't.

I can't.

I can't do any more.

Yes, you can.

Come on, just one more good hard push.

Jackie, Mom was right--

sex is bad!

[baby crying]

What is it?

What is it?

5, 5, 5, 5--

1.

Yes! It's a boy!

Let me see him, let me see him.

Oh, they're cleaning him off right now.

Oh, Jackie, I'm so good you were here.

I wanna apologize for being mean to you.

No, that's all right.

This is so great.

I'm here at the beginning of a new life.

That's why you've gotta be the godmother.

I don't know what to say.

Say the same thing you said when I asked you to be

Becky and Darlene's godmother.

Oh, OK.

OK.

Ladies and gentlemen, men, men, men,

the starting quarterback, back, back, for the Chicago Bears,

ars, ars, ars, Dan Conner's boy, oy, oy.

Just give me the baby.

Oh.

He's beautiful, Dan.

Just like you, honey.

Oh, hello there, little baby.

You tried to kill me, didn't you?

Oh, look at him, Dan, he's smiling.

[door opening]

I'm up.

It's late.

I can't sleep.

Why not?

I'm thinking too much.

Buddy.

I've already told you.

You don't have to worry about me dying 'cause I'm not going to.

You almost did.

I didn't, and I'm not planning on dying for a long time, OK?

OK.

Go to sleep.

Good night.

Good night.

But you could.

DJ, if you spend all your time worrying about dying, living

isn't gonna be much fun, is it?

Well, how do I stop worrying?

Well, I try to think about good stuff,

like watching you grow up, teaching

you how to drive a car, meeting the girl you're gonna marry.

I don't like girls.

Yeah, you do.

See?

I still got a lot of stuff to teach you.

Now good night.

OK.

OK.

Dad.

When's Darlene gonna die?

Good night, DJ.

See you in the morning.

DAN: You got it.

Hey. - Hey.

How was baby class?

Oh, you know, same as always.

[breathing]

You know, I was thinking about this guardian stuff,

and I was thinking, well, maybe we should leave

the kids with Jackie after all.

Roseanne, we've been through this.

Yeah, but I mean, she's part of their lives, Dan.

OK.

She knows when Becky's lying.

She knows when Darlene's sucking up just to get money.

And she understands all of DJ's weird little chatter.

Are you feeling a little guilty?

Yeah, I guess so.

Aren't you?

Yeah, I guess.

OK, if she wants them, she can have them.

Thanks.

OK.

You go wake them up, and I'll drive them over there.

Let's go to bed.

All right. Oh, man.

You know, Dan, you need to get more life insurance.

We've got enough.

No, we don't.

Like, if you ever die, you know, I want to grieve in Tahiti.

[theme music]

OK, me and Dan are dead.

You've moved into the house now.

You are in charge of the kids.

Now question number one.

Shoot.

It's Saturday night, it's 2:00 AM,

and Becky's not home from her date yet.

What do you do?

OK.

Um.

Am I home from my date yet?

Where am I?

You don't have a date, Jackie.

You have three kids.

You will never have a date.

You will never have a life.

Right, no date, no life, I forgot.

OK.

OK.

Um, I would call up all of Becky's friends.

Wrong.

This is that 911 question, isn't it?

- Wrong. - OK, what?

I don't know.

Well, you go up in Darlene's room,

and you threaten Darlene's life until she tells you where--

Threaten Darlene's life.

I should've know that.

I should've had that one.

OK.

OK.

All right, next question.

Becky and Darlene have been fighting like cats and dogs

for two weeks.

So?

Right.

JACKIE: Yeah.

OK, next question.

You are so exhausted from taking care

of three kids and the house that you are not in the mood

for sex for three whole months.

What do you do?

Maybe you oughta give the kids to Crystal and Ed.

No, it's too late now.

No, no, no.

No, you wanted it.

No.

You begged--

No, no.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0