Original subtitles

[music playing]

[harmonica music]

That-- I know, Dan, that's the throttle.

Which is?

Uh, like the gas.

And this is?

The brake.

Which is?

Like the brake.

[laughter]

And?

You don't never want me to use the two of them together.

Because?

Because it could rip a hole in time and space and--

[laughter]

--we end up in a parallel universe.

[laughter]

Correct.

I can't wait till tomorrow to really lay some rubber.

[sigh] [laughter]

Look, why don't we just tool around in the parking lot

at Kmart, first.

[laughter] - What?

You don't think I can handle this thing?

No, no, it's not that, honey.

This is a very special bike.

Yes, Dan, I know that you love your bike.

Gee, you spend more time with this thing than you do with me.

Oh, honey, don't get upset.

Well, it's true, Dan.

I was talking to the bike.

[laughter]

Well, I'm tired of being the biker chick.

I want the wind to hit my body first, you know.

[laughter]

I want the insects to splat across my face.

[laughter]

Come on, you get on the back.

Mm.

Come on.

Mm.

Wow!

Suddenly I feel like Ann-Margaret

in "Kitten with a Whip."

[laughter]

[horn honking]

Oh, look, it's our favorite fun couple.

Becky and anybody but that guy.

[laughter]

Oh man, he makes my skin crawl.

Ah, honey, put on your best fake smile.

[laughter]

Hi, kids!

Hey, guys.

Check out this car.

Well, well, well, hey, Mark.

What happened to your truck?

It's my Buddy's car. He's selling it.

We brought it over because Beck said you guys

were looking to get her a car.

Oh, we are?

Mom, this car is cherried out.

I mean, the frame is righteous, no Bondo, V-8, tilt tranny.

No Bondo?

Not even a little?

Wow.

Dad, the motor's in really good shape.

Look at it.

Mark did a lot of the work himself.

Yeah, I put in new brakes, shocks, rebuilt the carburetor.

Probably made the license plates.

[laughter]

Hey, check out the tuna boat.

I wanna sit in it.

You know, this thing has potential.

I mean, just look at the size back seat.

All you gotta do is put a little mirror on the ceiling.

Shut up, Darlene.

[laughter]

Looks like you retooled the heads.

Yeah, new valves, seals, everything.

Nice work.

And it's only $1,500.

Thanks for bringing it by.

Come on, dad, think about it.

I won't need to bug you for your car.

Mom, you won't have to be driving me around.

You won't have to worry about me banging up your car.

Well, Becky, we like all that stuff.

[laughter]

You got a nice bike, Mr. Conner.

You ever think of selling it?

Actually, I'm planning on being buried with it.

[laughter]

So, dad, what about the car?

We'll talk, inside.

[engine starting]

DJ.

[laughter]

Starts good.

[laughter]

[dog barking]

Listen, thanks for bringing the car over.

No problem.

[cat calls]

[laughter]

[sigh] What's he gonna mail you your tongue back?

[laughter]

[theme music]

[laughing]

[music playing]

Dad, it breaks down to like $100 a month.

Darlene, this is not your territory.

Yes, but Becky's my sister.

And what touches her touches me.

[laughter]

So she gets a car now, and you maybe get one when you're 16?

Well, you don't want me to think that she's your favorite,

do you?

Well, I can live with that.

What about you, Dan?

[laughter]

Hey, can we talk about me now?

This is really important to me.

I mean, how about if I get a job after school?

Well, now there's a start.

Well, you know what?

If we all start socking it away now,

maybe we can swing it by summer.

Summer?

Well, couldn't you guys lend me the money now, and I'll pay

you back after I get the job?

Jeez, it's like $1,500, Becky.

And that doesn't even count insurance.

Look, Becky, I know how you feel.

When I was 16, I was dying for my dad to buy

me this gorgeous '64 Barracuda.

Man, that car was it.

It had these yellow racing stripes on this purple body.

Dad, get out of the wayback machine.

[laughter]

Look, I have $200 saved up.

Where?

You only got like $40 in your sock drawer.

[laughter]

Mother.

Well, I got like $50 you can borrow, Beck.

That'll just leave you guys with $1,250.

So what's in it for you?

Well, I lend you the money, interest free, and then

when I'm 16 we share the car.

You think I'd share a car with you?

No way.

Then forget it.

Junior Miss can take the bus till she's 40.

[laughter]

I don't see why I'm always the one

this family who has to make the sacrifices.

Oh, yeah, right.

Let's sell the villa in France, Dan.

We hardly ever use it.

[laughter]

You know, if you guys really wanted to help me, you could.

I hate it when she gets like this,

and there's nothing to eat!

[laughter]

I feel bad I can't afford to buy her a car.

Oh, she'll live.

We've got two cars.

She can use one at night and on the weekends.

Yeah, that one was a real beauty, though.

And she really wanted it.

Oh, she didn't even know she wanted

a car till he put her up to it. - Rosie.

Well, it's true, Dan.

Before she met him, the only thing she wanted out of like

was to see us dead.

And now, you know, that's not good enough for her now.

She's gotta have a car, too.

[laughter]

Well, I miss the old days.

[laughter]

[music playing]

[applause]

All right, I been waiting 15 years for this moment.

Today you are mine.

[laughter]

Come to mama.

[laughter]

[sigh]

[engine starting]

[singing] Get your motor running,

head out on the highway!

Born to be wild!

Born to be wild!

Honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey.

Honey, honey, look, look, look.

Uh, before I take you out on the bike--

and I promised I would.

And I will, and everything.

There's just one thing you gotta know about this bike.

It's mine.

Get off it!

[laughter]

Oh take a major chill pill, daddio.

[laughter]

Me and this hog are going out to tear up the highway.

Now you can either come with us, or you can eat my dust.

[laughter]

Look, maybe I should ride it out of town first,

and then you can take over on the open road.

You're just afraid that some of your low life buddies

will see you riding on the back and think you're a big wuss.

[laughter]

Right.

Move.

[laughter]

OK.

- Hey, let's pop a wheelie! - OK, ready?

Ready.

Hang on.

OK.

[engine starting]

Oh, this'll be even more fun once we start moving.

[engine stopping]

Now what's the matter?

Something's wrong with the bike.

What are you talking about?

It sounds great.

It's not nearly as noisy as it was yesterday.

Well, I like it noisy.

I keep it noisy.

Somebody's been messing around with it.

Like somebody who knows about carburetors.

Becky, get down here now!

What's going on?

Weren't you gonna take your brother to the movies?

It doesn't start for an hour.

Well, walk really slow.

[laughter]

I thought you were going.

Did you and Mark take out my Harley?

Answer me.

Yeah.

You are never to touch that bike, ever.

You know that.

You guys said I could have a car on the weekend,

and then you took both of them last night.

What's, so that's supposed to make it all right?

Dad, the bike's fine.

Mark even adjusted the carburetor for you.

I never asked your punk boyfriend for a tune up.

And I certainly never gave you permission

to take that bike out, ever!

[door slamming]

OK, I'm sorry.

It was a stupid thing to do.

No, it was way beyond stupid.

You know what this bike means to me.

But you figure you don't have a car one night,

so you just go behind my back and take it.

Well, if I woulda asked, you woulda said no anyway.

That's right! What does that tell you?

OK, fine.

So how long am I grounded for?

You don't get it, do you, Becky?

This isn't some little stupid curfew you broke.

Dad--

No!

You've been given us crap for months now,

and I've been on your side.

I duked it out with your mom over letting you see Mark.

I was working with you on this car deal.

But you could care less.

Well, I'm tired of bending over backwards for you, Becky.

So if I'm not grounded, then what?

Then, uh, nothing.

I mean, what's the point?

You're just gonna do whatever the hell you want, anyway.

Dad, I said I'm sorry!

I don't care what you said.

Just get the hell out of my sight.

[music playing]

[music playing]

So now you're going to be a masseuse?

How'd you come up with that idea?

What, did you open the phone book to the middle and point?

[laughter]

I'm just sending off for more information.

And it's not masseuse, it's massage therapist.

[laughter]

Well, so what?

When people ask me what my sister does,

I have to tell them that she, like, rubs people for money.

[laughter]

Shut up and give me a stamp.

Good morning.

Hey, Dan, Jackie's gonna learn to be

a masseuse through the mail.

[laughter]

Jeez, Jack, what happened?

Your sea monkeys die?

[laughter]

Can I get a little support around here?

Oh, we're sorry.

Hey, guess what. Jackie's gonna be a--

Shut up!

[laughter]

Oh, that's OK. Go ahead, Dad.

No, that's OK.

I gotta get to the job site.

So what are you gonna do today, Becky?

I gotta go to the library.

I have a report due on Monday.

Oh, Dan, maybe you could drop her off.

The library?

I don't know.

Yeah, sure you do, honey.

You remember it from high school.

That--

[laughter]

--that big brick building we used to smoke behind.

[laughter]

I'm late.

Bye bye.

Bye, dad.

I'll give you a ride, Becky.

That's OK.

I'll see you later.

Damn.

Yeah.

It's that Mark.

Oh, here we go.

What are you doing?

You finished breakfast.

Why don't you go rub somebody?

[laughter]

Look, if it was gonna make you that crazy,

why'd you let Becky see Mark?

I didn't.

Dan did.

Well, you agreed.

Well, she's just gonna go see him anyway.

So you caved.

No, we didn't cave.

OK.

OK, we did cave, but on our terms.

[laughter]

Roseanne.

I hate that kid.

He drives me nuts.

You know them to pieces of hair he's got going on his face,

like that? JACKIE: Yes.

Well, I hate those pieces of hair.

I hate both of them.

Sometimes I just sit up there in that chair,

and I try to figure out which one I hate worst!

[laughter]

You're losing it!

Oh, catch up, Jackie.

I have already lost it.

[laughter]

And now-- now there are no doughnuts!

[laughter]

[music playing]

[knocking]

Oh, man.

What do you want?

Well, I wanna know what's the deal between you and Becky.

What are you asking me for? Why don't you ask her?

Because I don't know her anymore.

Ever since she got with you, she lies, she ran away from home.

You've got her stealing motorcycles.

So I just want you to tell me, Mark, what's next.

You know, just so that I'm not surprised.

Well, I'd figure I'd get her to knock over a convenience

store or two.

But don't worry, I'll have her back by 10:00.

You think that's so funny, don't you, you little punk?

Look, this is my place that you're in.

If you're gonna talk to me like that, you can just leave.

I want you to stop seeing her.

No.

Why?

Why, Mark?

Are you sleeping with her?

Because if you are, I'm gonna have

your butt in jail so fast you won't even know what hit you.

She's 16 and you're 18.

And in case you don't know it, that's illegal, buddy.

I don't even know what I'm asking you for.

I don't believe nothing you say, anyhow.

I don't care.

You have nothing in common with her.

I like her.

Why?

What do you mean, why?

Don't you?

Oh, don't give me that crap.

[laughter]

It's not crap.

I like her and she likes me.

And you can threaten me, and your husband can threaten me,

but it's not gonna change a thing, and you know that.

[sigh]

Yeah, I do know it.

I can't compete with you, Mark.

I'm only her mother.

[sigh]

I hope you really do care about her.

Mrs. Conner.

Tell your husband he shouldn't open his carb

all the way up unless he's tooling

around at some high altitude.

Yeah, well, the next time we're discussing

carbs I'll be sure to bring that up.

[laughter]

[laughter]

That's much better.

[laughter]

[applause]

[music playing]

DARLENE: Your bike sounds pretty bad now, dad.

Yeah, the secret is to open up the carb all the way.

[laughter]

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Hey there, Beckface.

Hey.

Hey, Darlene, how about one of the old man's

patented chocolate chip milkshakes?

Sure, I could use a rush.

[laughter]

OK, let's see, ice cream, chocolate syrup, skim milk.

I think we're all set.

Blender.

Blender.

OK.

Excuse me.

Darlene, what's your pleasure?

Thick thick, medium thick, or thin thick?

Medium thick.

All right, chicken.

OK, stand back, let the doctor do his work.

Becky?

What's up?

You want a milkshake?

Thick thick?

OK.

Listen, I've got an idea.

Why don't I cut out the silent treatment,

and you can forget that I'm your father

and treat me like a human being.

Deal?

Look, dad, I'm really sorry.

I know.

[laughter]

So, what have you been up to the last couple days?

You still like this Mark guy?

Yeah.

And I know you think it was has his idea to take out the bike.

But it wasn't.

It was mine.

I know.

It's that rebel Conner thing.

It runs in the family.

[laughter]

And I want you to know I'm not gonna stand for it.

[laughter]

I just don't want you to hate Mark, you know.

- I don't hate Mark. - Mom does.

Oh, mom definitely hates him.

[laughter]

Definitely.

Hate.

Mom does, yes.

[laughter]

Why?

She doesn't even know him.

She's afraid of him, Becky.

You see, when she was 16, this guy pulled in her driveway

with a motorcycle.

And god, your grandma hated that guy.

[laughter]

And I think that's half the reason

why your mom married him.

Dad, I'm not gonna marry him.

I mean, jeez, I'm 16 years old.

That's exactly what she told her folks.

And here we are.

I mean it, dad, I'm way too young to think about marriage.

Anyway, I'd have to live with him first.

Excuse me a moment.

[laughter]

Dad, cut it out.

I mean, you know I want to, like, go to Europe,

and go to college, and have a career, and stuff.

Well, how would we know that?

I mean, the last time you and I talked like this, you

wanted to be a fairy princess.

[laughter]

I guess it's been a while.

Yeah, and from what we've been hearing,

your whole life is Mark.

Well, it's not.

Well, tell your mom that.

Thick thick?

Yeah.

Dad.

[sentimental music]

Been a long time for that, too.

[music playing]

[laughter]

Too thick, Beck?

[laughter]

I think I just broke a rib.

[laughter]

Here, try a spoon.

- Thanks. - You got it.

[door closing] - Oh, gross.

[laughter]

Hey.

Hey.

What's going on?

Nothing.

Not much.

Oh, please.

Dad and Becky made up, and they're being so nice

to each other it's pathetic.

[laughter]

Is that your, uh, world famous chocolate chip shake, Dan?

Thick thick. Want one?

Nope, I'm back on my diet.

You know she's coming back.

Oh, what the hell.

[laughter]

[music playing]

[applause]

OK, there oughta be a spot right about--

Ah.

--there.

See?

Mark that page.

All right.

Now just relax.

Let all the worries go.

Ah.

That's it.

Oh, all right.

Why don't you tell me about the trip

that you and Dan took on the bike?

Oh, it was just awesome, you know.

There we were, going down the highway, Dan sitting behind me,

totally helpless, hoarse from screaming.

There, now all those muscles are lose.

Oh.

All the tension's gone.

Oh.

[horn honking]

Hi, Beck.

Hi, bye!

Where you going?

Out with Mark.

I'm tense. [door closing]

I'm tense! [laughter]

OK.

Oh!

[music playing]

[music playing]

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