Original subtitles

[theme music]

Hey.

Hey, look who's here.

Hey.

Knocked off early.

I thought I'd do something special for myself.

New thermos.

Ooh, plaid.

Snazzy.

I wanna knock off early, too.

Can you cover for me?

Oh, no problem.

Cool.

Hey, I've got the afternoon off.

We'll do something together.

I know.

We'll go grocery shopping.

I'll go in there and buy the groceries,

and you can sit out in the car and play the radio.

Quality time.

See you later, Bonnie.

'Scuse me.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Leon, Dan, Dan, Leon.

Bye.

Roseanne.

Don't you think it might be appropriate to, say, uh, check

with the boss before simply taking off?

Well, you know, it's dead in here and everything,

Bonnie says she could cover for me.

What's the problem?

The problem is that you keep doing this.

You took yesterday morning off.

You didn't tell me.

Last Saturday, Estelle covered for you.

Estelle tells me that.

I set the schedule around here, Roseanne,

and you're ignoring it, which makes me wonder

if you really want this job.

Of course I do.

The hours are great.

[MUSIC PLAYING - ED STARINK, ROSEANNE THEME SONG]

[music playing]

It's freezing out there.

Ah, but it'll be 80 degrees when we

get to Las Vegas this weekend.

Oh, I can't wait.

Hey, check this out-- these really

cool sunglasses I bought.

What do you need those for?

You know you're never going to leave the casino.

Well, they're to cover my eyes when I'm bluffing.

You can't bluff a slot machine.

I don't see why not.

You talk to the dice.

Honey, slots don't pay.

You gotta let me teach you how to shoot craps.

No, I don't like that.

You've got to stand up the whole time.

Best odds in the house.

Oh, face it, Dan, the best odds in Las Vegas in our favor

are at the buffet table.

Oh, that reminds me.

Bring your big purse.

Well anyways, I don't care nothing about gambling,

to tell you the truth.

All is I want to do is see Wayne Newton.

Oh yeah, the Main Wayne, the Big Fig, Sir Isaac Wayne.

Remember when we saw him in Chicago

and he was singing that, ah, Appleblossom Time just to me?

Thought he was singing to me.

Dream on.

Hey.

Hey.

Now, I don't want you guys living on pizza

the whole weekend, so I went out and bought

you this nice ravioli.

Thanks.

So, what time are you guys leaving tomorrow?

Since I get off work.

So, that'd be, what, like, 5 o'clock?

- Yeah, I guess. - 5:30?

Becky, you trying to get rid of us?

No!

I-- I just want to make sure I'm here to say goodbye, at--

what, quarter to 6:00?

I think that's about right.

Well, you know, you guys got to allow yourself plenty

of time to get to the airport.

Well, that's a great idea, honey.

OK.

So, Dan, I guess this party we don't know

about starts, what, 7:00, 7:30?

Party?

Why would they have a party the one weekend

we're going to be out of town?

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Oh, Roseanne.

Thanks for bringing me that suitcase, Crystal.

Crystal, you shouldn't be hauling around that big bag

in your condition.

Well, there's nothing in it, Dan.

I just brought it over because Roseanne asked

to borrow it for your trip.

Here, sit down.

Goodness, Dan, I'm pregnant, I'm not dying.

Oh, he's just wonderful like that, Crystal.

You know, when I was pregnant with Darlene,

he was so nice to me I held her in for 16 months.

Hi!

Hi.

Oh, we're going to miss you when we're gone.

I'll take good care of him, Roseanne.

Why can't I stay home with Becky and Darlene?

Because I don't want you to spend the whole weekend

locked up in a closet.

Roseanne, here's $5.00.

I want you to put it in one of those slot machines that

has the million dollar jackpot.

And if it wins a million dollars, stop.

Well, I'm up $5.00, Dan, and you said the slots don't pay.

You know, I envy you two.

A weekend of luxury in Las Vegas.

Well, we try to get away, what, every 15, 16 years?

You know, so we can relate to each other

as a man and a woman.

Yeah, then right after that I'm going to go shoot craps.

Well, that'll kill another five minutes.

[music playing]

I'm gonna write down the number of the hotel,

just in case there's a problem.

Dad, we're not babies.

You don't have to worry about us.

I'm not worried about you, I'm worried about the house.

So.

What time's the party start?

What are you talking about?

Girls, listen.

When I was your age, and my parents went out of town,

I had a party.

I had a great party.

Legendary.

People wrote songs about it.

So, did your parents know you had it?

Of course not.

Then we're not having a party.

I know.

Hey, guy, hi.

Is DJ ready?

Uh, DJ, Aunt Jackie's here.

OK, Dan, what time do you want me over here tonight?

Jackie's coming over?

Why?

It's still a big secret.

Oh, that's cute!

We're not having a party.

Why won't you believe us?

Dan, I've got a great idea.

Since I'm coming over tonight anyway,

you know, just to hang with the girls, how about

I wear my old cop uniform?

Sure!

Not like you're having a party or anything.

OK, OK, we're having a party.

God.

OK, right to the rules.

No booze, no pot, no sex below the neck,

everybody out by midnight. DARLENE: 1:00.

12:30, and no rap music.

Why not?

I don't like it.

[music playing]

Oh, man, I'm late.

I've got to get out of here.

Oh, wait, Roseanne?

Look, here's $2.00.

Take it to the roulette table and put it on number 17.

Just let it ride until I lose.

What's the point?

I love the action.

OK, see you later. Bye.

- See you tomorrow, Roseanne. - Tuesday.

Tuesday?

Oh, no, we're in the middle of a big weekend sale,

and I have you on the schedule.

I told you about this weeks ago.

No, ma'am.

I wasn't here weeks ago.

Well, I told some guy in a suit.

That suit doesn't work here anymore.

And he didn't take care of it.

No, you are working tomorrow.

I'm going to Vegas.

How am I going to replace you on no notice?

I have had this trip planned for months.

I got nonrefundable plane tickets.

Aw.

Oh, well that falls into the category of not my problem.

Give me a break.

No, Roseanne, you give me a break.

You just come and go here as you please.

You totally ignore me.

So is that what this is about?

Because I'm not nice enough to you?

I'm running a business.

And I need a waitress tomorrow, so let's just say

either you're here to work your shift,

or don't come back at all.

[music playing]

The money's spent.

If we don't get on the plane, we're out $500.

So, do you think I should go?

Roseanne, we've been saving for this trip forever.

I know that.

If we leave right now, we drive the speed limit,

we'll just miss the plane.

Well, I gotta talk about this some more now.

OK, talk.

OK, now, I know you think this is some waitress job,

but I really like it, you know?

And I like Bonnie, and I like being in the mall too.

And, I mean--

OK, Leon, he's a piece of garbage,

but if I had to quit that job, then I have

to go look for another job.

I could end up with a boss that's even worse than that.

Crazy world, isn't it?

OK, let's go.

Boy, you really care about this, don't you?

Roseanne, I've worked hard for this trip,

and I don't want to miss it.

Now, are you gonna sit on the couch

and bellyache over nothing, or are we going to go

and have a wonderful time?

Oh, well, OK.

We'll go and have a wonderful time.

But you're going to regret it.

[music playing]

[rock music playing]

JACKIE: No, no, no.

No.

No.

Party's down here.

I just wanted to use the bathroom.

Well, tough.

Uh-- let me see that.

Carry on.

Hi.

Hi, how are you doing?

Nice party.

Yeah, well, I'm enjoying myself.

You know, you have got a beautiful smile.

I'm not smiling.

Well, why don't we work on that?

Ho ho ho ho, God.

Hey, there we go!

Uh.

I'm Eric.

I'm a senior.

Oh.

And you are?

I'm Jackie.

I'm a former senior.

Jackie. Jackie.

You know, that is a beautiful name.

Jackie, you know, these parties, they

make it real hard for two people to get to know each other well.

I got a car.

Why don't we go somewhere?

Listen, Eric.

You are very cute.

But you and I together would be illegal.

So, I don't think so.

Hey, OK, it's cool.

Yep.

Ooh, yeah.

Still got it.

Look, I tried to get her out.

The old broad said no.

Yeah, thanks anyway.

[music playing]

[chatter]

Hey, Becky?

Hey, Brian.

Um, if I--

well-- can I ask you a question without you,

like, telling Darlene that I asked you?

Yeah.

Well, you know what happened with us, right?

Yeah, you made out on the couch, and then you groped her.

Yeah, she made me.

Yeah, so?

Well-- I asked her to go with me, you know,

exclusively, and she said no.

I don't get it.

Well, Darlene's just sort of discovering boys, Brian.

In fact, till she met you, she thought she was one.

So I should be her boyfriend, right?

Becky, there you are.

I was looking for you.

Brian, can you excuse us?

Where you been, Beck?

Around.

Around where?

Outside.

With Mark?

Look, I was going to tell you, but I couldn't find you.

Oh, OK.

You're not going to tell Mom and Dad, are you?

No.

You're so cool.

Well, not really.

See, your folks figured he'd probably show up,

and they told me it was all right, as long as I was here.

You're kidding. He just drove away.

Oh-- I was going to tell you, but I couldn't find you.

Hey, Darlene.

Barry's here.

No way.

He's such a scuzz.

If he came here to drool all over you all night,

I swear I'll kill him.

Hi, Darlene.

Hi, Barry.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Look, Barry, I don't think this is a good idea.

I mean, Darlene liked you, and you asked me out,

and she's real vulnerable right now.

And I don't think she should have to go through this again.

Shut up, Becky.

What did you wanna talk about, Barry?

Uh, look, I never really did apologize for what--

What for?

I mean, you like Becky more than you like me,

so you asked her out.

Right?

Well, it wasn't that I like Becky, exactly.

It's just that she's kind of popular,

and I got this idea that maybe I had a chance with her.

So it's kind of like, you know, go for the gold.

Becky's gold?

So, what am I? - Darlene--

Well, come on, Barry! Pick a mineral.

You're funny, Darlene.

Yeah, I'm a regular riot.

No.

It's what's great about you.

I mean, that's why I like you.

You like me?

Hey! You leave her alone.

Who are you?

I'm her boyfriend.

Boyfriend?

Oh, well, we had a thing.

It's over.

Yeah, well, it was fine until you came along.

Hey, don't push me.

You mean like this?

No, I mean like this.

Jeez, Darlene, who is this guy?

[chatter]

Let me through.

Let me through.

Hey! Come on!

You guys!

You guys!

Come on!

What's going on here?

Well, I'm sitting here talking to Darlene,

and this guy comes barging in--

Well, I am her boyfriend.

That's not what she says.

Any more trouble out of you two, you're outta here.

I mean it.

Come on.

They were fighting over you?

Yeah.

That's it, show's over.

Nothing more to see.

Come on.

And as for you, Darlene, excellent.

[music playing]

PLANE CAPTAIN (OVER INTERCOM): This is your captain speaking.

Once again, I'd like to apologize for the delay,

but the snow is coming down pretty hard now,

and we're still waiting for clearance

from the tower, which hopefully, we'll

be getting any minute now.

So in the meantime, why don't you all just sit back, relax,

and, uh, wait.

Seven.

Seven.

Eight, eight's a point, and--

eight or from Decatur, get this plane to Vegas.

Well, these peanuts are no good.

I didn't grow 'em, dear.

And these seats are too small, too.

I didn't build the plane, dear.

It's never gonna stop snowing, is it?

My fault.

Stop acting like everything I'm saying is your fault.

Sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

I've been blaming you the whole time,

and it stopped being fun an hour ago.

Well, if it'll You feel any better, I'm up $56,000.

If we were in Vegas right now, I could quit my job, too.

I really like that job, Dan.

I mean, I know it wasn't a career or nothing,

but I was happy, and I hate losing it.

I know.

I'm sorry I pushed you.

I just thought you'd feel better once you found yourself

on an overcrowded, uncomfortable little plane that

won't go anywhere.

You know, maybe you won't have to lose that job.

I mean, once we get back from Vegas, you can go to the mall

and talk to the guy.

Take a shot.

I'll be, like, groveling.

You want me to talk to him?

No, I think I'd better fight my own battles.

We're gonna go see Wayne Newton.

Yeah, I bet we get some lousy seats, too.

Nah, I'll make sure we get us seats right down in the front.

Yeah?

Close enough for me to hit him with my underpants?

You will take them off first, won't you, dear?

I ain't making no promises.

PLANE CAPTAIN (OVER INTERCOM): Ladies and gentlemen--

All right, all right.

PLANE CAPTAIN (OVER INTERCOM): This is Captain Johnson again.

We just heard from the tower.

The snow's getting real bad out there,

so they are presently trying to determine

whether we can take off at all.

Sorry about that.

We'll know in just a moment.

Hang in there.

We're going to make it.

No way.

Look at it out there.

This plane ain't going nowhere.

Yeah, I got $50 says it is.

I'll take five of that.

- Dan. - Honey, I'm on a roll.

You're on, bud. - Hey, I'll take $10.

You're on. You got it.

- I got it for $15. - You got it.

- I'm going double, pal. - Outstanding.

PLANE CAPTAIN (OVER INTERCOM): Ladies and Gentlemen--

Shh.

PLANE CAPTAIN (OVER INTERCOM): This is Captain Johnson.

Uh, I'd like to bet $100 we're not going anywhere.

He's bluffing.

[music playing]

Iced tea, coffee.

I had the coffee.

I don't care.

All right, you know what you want?

Oh, are there any specials today?

No.

Well, is there anything you could recommend?

Yeah, hurry.

I guess I'll have the tuna melt.

Good choice.

Oh, excuse me.

What?

I forgot to order a beverage.

Well, then, you must be really kicking

yourself right about now, huh?

Hi, Bonnie.

Oh, hi, Roseanne.

What are you doing here?

I thought you were in Las Vegas.

Well, the flight got canceled, so we

had to spend the night in Chicago,

and then it took us half a day to drive back here.

Well, well, well.

Look who came crawling back.

Leon.

Work, Bonnie.

So, Roseanne.

How the hell are you?

OK.

This is not easy.

But, uh-- if you don't give me my job back,

my husband's going to beat the crap out of you.

Roseanne.

We both know why you're here.

Now, all you have to do is say, I want my job back.

And I'll give it to you.

Didn't you hire somebody else?

I was going to.

But you're here, begging for your job, so--

I'm not begging.

Oh, of course not.

No, you have your, uh--

dignity.

To recap, I want my job back.

Leon--

Come on.

I want my--

You're such a little creepy little icky guy.

And?

And, I want my job back.

Fine.

Take this iced tea to table four.

Hell, no.

I'm on a break.

[music playing]

[MUSIC PLAYING - WAYNE NEWTON, "DANKE SCHOEN"]

Danke schoen dan- danke schoen.

Thank you for walks down Lovers' Lane.

I can see hearts carved on a tree.

So, I said to my girl, hey, Leon,

if you want me to come back to work, all's you got to do

is ask.

You really said it?

Yeah.

Did he give you a raise?

$100 an hour.

All right.

Oh, I forgot to tell you.

When I called the hotel to cancel the reservations,

the guy told me there was a huge earthquake,

and Las Vegas got sucked under the ground.

Wow, it's a good thing we didn't go.

You bet.

I've forgotten to tell you something, though.

You know, while we were gone, the kids all met really rich

guys, and they all got married.

DJ too?

Uh-huh.

Far out.

[MUSIC PLAYING - WAYNE NEWTON, "DANKE SCHOEN"]

Though we go on our separate ways, still

the memory stays for always.

My heart says, danke schoen.

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