Original subtitles

[sound effect playing]

[theme music]

[laughing]

[music playing]

[inaudible] possible straight.

Another duck for [inaudible] zippo,

and shinola for the dealer.

That's to you Palidin.

Two-bits.

[belching]

Beautiful! [applause]

Again, again.

Judges, get a drum or something.

Five.

Thank you.

He's fired from the communist judge.

OK.

Did I tell you guys about my cousin Leon?

Eh, how's Leon doing?

He bought these two mail order brides through a catalog.

- Catalog? - Yep.

And UPS delivered them right to his door buck naked.

[laughing]

- Get out out of town. - Yeah.

They both look like Michelle Pfeiffer,

except they had really big heads.

Ooh.

OK.

Who wants to chip in for Arnie's therapy?

[interposing voices]

Here you go.

OK.

Now, I told you about me dating that belly dancer, right?

Oh, listen to this. Listen to this.

His story? All right.

All right.

This chick had such muscle control

that she could pick up a--

[clearing throat]

Hey, honey.

[interposing voices]

[laughing]

Hey

Hey

Can I [inaudible]?

Well, hey, go knock yourself out.

So what were y'all saying?

Oh Yeah, I, uh--

yeah, you could use a crosscut saw on that.

But I'd use a hand saw myself, because it's a lot easier.

I've always held a band saw. I'm a band saw man.

Well, you know, I was going to say,

you look like a band saw man.

Hey, you better use your coasters.

Ha!

Made you look.

[laughing]

Power tools.

You know, that's their little code

for fallopians approaching.

We don't know what goes on the minute we're out of that room.

That's right.

Well, you know, they talk about their first time,

and their last time, and how many times,

and they multiply it all by about five,

and then they spit at each other, and go home.

I don't know why they do that.

I don't know.

We're talking about the only animal

on earth that would wear black socks with Bermuda shorts.

Now (SILLY VOICE) we put on our little ears.

Roseanne, do I have to do this,

because you needs a Halloween "tostume."

I don't want to go to Dan's stupid lodge,

stupid haunted house thing.

- But it's for charity. - I know.

But it's no fun having some 60-year-old guy

with a pot belly jumping out at me saying, ooga-booga.

It was scary when I was eight.

It's even scarier now.

But I want to see you get out there again.

Look, I just broke up with Gary, I'm depressed.

I'm tired and miserable.

[gasping]

I look so cute.

(WITCH VOICE) I'll get you my pretty.

Hey!

You look great.

So scary.

I need a broom.

It's in the kitchen.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey look everybody, DJ's witch.

Woo, woo.

Why don't you fly upstairs and put on your PJs, huh?

I can't fly without a broom.

Sure you can. Look.

Whoo!

There you go.

But up in minute, champ.

What?

Two daughters isn't enough for you.

What are you talking about?

He's dressed like a witch.

Witches are girls.

This is the 90s, Dan.

Witches are women.

I can't let him do this.

He got to pick his own costume, that's what he chose.

Why couldn't he pick up something normal,

like a vampire, or a nice axe murderer?

Like, um, Lizzie Borden?

There's plenty other ax murderers

in the world, Roseanne.

Oh, yeah, I get it.

You want him to be a manly, feral, stud of an axe murderer.

There's no little sissy axe murderer for Dan Conner's boy.

Boys shouldn't dress up like girls.

Now, Darlene dressed up like a pirate

for three years in a row.

That was cute.

If he goes out like this, he's going to come

home with a bloody nose.

That is stupid.

I've got to get back in there.

Would you please talk to him.

DJ!

Instead of a witch, you want to dress up like Madonna?

I did my best.

[laughing]

[music playing]

Yeah.

Hi, Mom.

Yeah?

Well, so how long you going to be?

[laughing]

OK. Yeah.

I'll tell him. OK.

Bye.

Dad!

Mom's still at work.

She says she and Aunt Jackie will meet us there.

OK.

I'll be right out.

Darlene, you're not even ready.

We're going to be leaving any minute.

I don't feel so good.

Well, what's wrong?

It's my stomach.

Oh!

Oh my god!

[screaming]

[crying]

So what do you want?

Some Pepto Bismol, or something?

[laughing]

OK.

Let's get going.

Where's DJ?

We'll get him.

You don't look half bad, toot.s

Thank you.

Listen, I was supposed to remind you to bring the brownies.

You hear that lamebrain, you forgot the brownies.

Boink. Ow.

Ow. Ow.

Hey, leave him alone.

Wise guy, eh?

Yeah.

Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo!

All right, knock it off.

[imitating smacking]

[laughing]

I'll get the brownies.

[high pitched humming]

Hey, hey, hey.

What's this?

It's DJ.

Uh, yeah, I thought you changed

your mind about being a witch.

No.

Well, look, I've been thinking,

you know, the costume's great and everything.

Why not just say you're a warlock.

What's a warlock?

It's a guy witch.

- OK. - Yeah.

So let's get rid of the broom here.

Why?

Warlocks don't have brooms.

Well, then I want to be a witch.

No, no, no you don't, DJ.

You see, witches are girls.

Warlocks are guys.

They can do anything a witch can do.

They can turn people into frogs.

They make thunder and lightning.

They can grant wishes.

(EVIL VOICE) That's a fairy godmother.

Rawr.

You're not helping.

OK.

Look, uh-- Oh!

Hey!

Look!

[gasping]

It's a magic wand.

You take this and tell people you're a wizard.

I don't want it.

I don't want anything.

All right.

Let's go.

[banging]

[laughing]

Spread out! (FUNNY VOICE) Certainly!

[high pitched humming]

[music playing]

Come on, Roseanne.

It's freezing outside. ROSEANNE: No.

I'm not going in there dressed like this.

Roseanne, you're being ridiculous.

Well, you took off your nose and your ears.

Well, you take off your costume.

No, I'll never get it back on.

Just get in here.

You look adorable.

You really think so?

Get in here.

[laughing]

Oh.

I left my purse in the car.

No!

Look, you call Dan, and we-- we can get out of here.

I feel like I'm having one of them

dreams where you go to school and you're

only wearing your underwear.

Roseanne, come on, it's Halloween.

What's the big deal?

Because I'm the only person in here in a costume.

Hello?

Who is this?

Eddy?

Oh, Arnie.

Listen, is Dan around?

Well, could you go find him and tell him

that the car broke down on me and Jackie

are stuck here at The Low Boy?

He has to come and pick us up.

And tell him to hurry it up.

Trick or treat to you too, Arnie.

This is going to be a while. We should wait in the car.

No.

It's freezing outside.

Come on.

I'll buy-- buy you a drink. [sighing]

OK.

Little help?

Yeah, what can I get for you sweetheart.

- I'll have a white wine. - OK.

What about you, fella?

Come on, pal.

I'm busy here.

What are you drinking?

Uh, give me a beer.

[laughing]

[music playing]

Roseanne, don't do this.

You're just going to embarrass both of us.

Call me Bob.

White wine for the lady, and a beer for you, pal.

So how's the action in here.

Action?

Chicks.

I--I don't know, fella.

It's Tuesday night.

Ladies bowling league comes in at ten.

10 o'clock, huh?

Good thing I brought my little squeezebox with me.

Oh, oh, you're such a pig.

Yeah, but that's why you like me, right, honey bun?

That'll be $4.

Pay the man, doll.

Well, why should I pay?

You're the man, you pay.

You know I left my purse in the car.

Oh, all right, I'll pay for you again.

I don't know why I always am attracted to these losers.

Gee.

It must be her time of the month.

Now I know why you're single.

You're such a lousy date.

Look, Bob, I'm going to go call Dan again.

Fine.

I'm going to mingle.

No. Don't.

Don't. You're not serious.

Listen, me and the guys, we're going to hang out.

You got a problem with that, babe?

[laughing]

Excuse me, you know, you could do much better.

I don't see you here with anybody.

You're kidding me.

Honest to god.

This broad was so hot I thought she was going to kill me.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

Bada bing, bada boom.

[laughing]

So then she brings out this suitcase full of sex toys.

And I'm thinking, this broad is freaky.

Oh, yeah.

As long s you're getting your battery charged,

what's the damn difference?

[laughing]

Yeah, I mean, while you're getting your car washed,

you might as well get the hot wax, right?

Yeah.

[laughing]

Only thing I want to know, is what

does she want with you when she's got

a suitcase full of sex toys.

That supposed to be a joke?

OK.

Oh.

Well, anyway, we were going pretty good.

And I was catching my groove, doing what makes me me.

And then her roommate walks in and says, can I join you?

[laughing]

Yeah, right.

I mean, way to go.

So then her roommate takes off all her clothes,

and I got both of them to deal with.

Hey, hold on a second. Hold on now.

Let me ask you this question, all right?

Yeah. What?

Are you making this stuff up as you go along?

You calling me a liar.

No.

Bada boom, bada bing.

You know, I mean, long as you're getting your cue chocked,

it don't matter what ball you hit.

OK.

Well, then just keep an eye out for him, OK?

(WHISPERED) Hurry up, hurry up.

All right. Bye.

What? - Oh, man.

What?

Oh, man.

It was awesome.

Hey it reminds of that movie where that lady hung

out with the gorillas, but they accept her as one of their own.

Oh, cool.

Yeah.

What do they talk about?

Well, OK, the head gorilla, OK, he's

like stand around telling these sex stories.

And the less dominant gorillas are just

standing around believing it.

So what's so new about that?

Well, I think I finally figured out why they do it.

Do

Oh, do tell.

Well, it's like, if one of them actually has sex,

then it seems like maybe the rest of them have a chance too.

Oh.

So you think that's it, huh?

Oh, yeah.

It gives them a feeling of hope and pride.

[laughing]

Hey, order me another beer.

I'll be right back.

Why where are you going?

- I'm going to the men's room. - No.

Don't-- Roseanne, please don't do it.

Please don't do anything.

Don't do it.

No, come on. Come on.

I'm just going to go update your phone number.

God it stinks in here.

[music playing]

[screaming]

Give me a break.

How are you doing, Mr. Thompson?

Hi, girls.

[laughing]

Gah.

This was even lamer than last year.

Yeah.

But you see that Freddy Krueger guy checking me out?

Beck-head, there were 19 Freddy Kruegers?

Which one were you referring to?

The cute one.

[laughing]

This is just great.

Yo, Dan. Hey.

- Yeah. - Rosie called.

Her car broke down.

She and Jackie are stuck at The Low Boy.

And they need you to pick them up.

Aw, man.

That stupid car.

Hey, Arn.

Yo.

I-- Who are you supposed to be?

Pfft.

[laughing]

I'm Elvis' ghost, man.

[laughing]

Listen, um, let's go pick up your mom.

Where's DJ.

Last time I saw him he was in the chamber

of everlasting horror.

Yeah, whining about that stupid broom.

Oh, jeez.

You guys wait here, OK?

DJ.

DJ?

[grunting]

Hey, Jimmy.

You seen DJ?

Nah, Dan, I haven't seen him.

DJ?

DJ?

DJ?

[howling]

Hey, Andy.

You seen my boy?

He's dressed up like a wi--

wizard.

Give it up, Dan.

The kid's a witch.

- Andy, Andy. - What?

You've got three boys.

This is just a phase, right?

Oh, yeah.

Kid hits a certain age, he does some weird stuff.

You know what I mean? - Yeah.

I think DJ's hiding from me.

I probably traumatized.

Poor kid.

All he wanted was a broom so he could pretend to fly.

That probably means he wants to be a pilot, right?

Dan, Dan, Dan.

You can't go turning everything a kid does into a career.

All right?

Believe me.

It means more to you than it does to him.

But if he keeps this up some kid's going to come along

and deck him.

Come on, we were kids, we survived.

Look at us now.

DJ: Dad!

[creaking]

DJ?

Dad?

DJ.

Where you been, boy?

Scaring people.

Yeah.

Well you scared the heck out of me,

I didn't know where you were.

You mad at me?

Nah.

You mad at me?

Nah.

All right.

Let's go get your broom.

[laughing]

Yeah, every time my old lady starts giving me

that crap about men women being equal, see I just tell her,

you're so equal?

Well, let's see you pee out a camp fire.

[laughing]

Hey, uh, Bob.

Looks like your old lady just found a new fireman.

Yeah, well, uh, we got an open relationship, see.

That cause you can't keep her in line?

Well, it's hard to control a woman who ain't inflatable.

[laughing]

[coughing]

Yo, bitch.

You are making me look bad in front of the other guys.

Uh, hey, I don't see any ring on this finger.

Hi Jackie.

Crystal?

What are you doing here?

I'm here to drown my sorrows.

Willy, get me a pink squirrel, and keep them coming.

I just had a terrible date and it's all my fault.

I could have ordered the chicken, which

was reasonably priced but no.

I had to have the surf and turf, which clearly

signaled I owed him something.

And then when I was not accommodating he dumped me.

Well, could you stop blaming yourself for everything?

You got a right to eat without letting

some guy put you on the menu.

You're better than that Crystal.

Really?

Yes, really.

You are a quality woman.

And you've got to keep telling yourself that

and stop judging yourself according to what men think.

What's your name?

[laughing]

Don't you recognize me?

Well, refresh my memory.

Where might we have met.

At Roseanne's house.

Roseanne?

Trick or treat.

Well-- Well, of course I knew it was you.

No you did not.

I was playing along.

No.

You were ready to sleep with me.

Well, I was going to make you buy me dinner first.

[laughing]

Hello, girls.

Bob.

Hey, of course you ladies recognize Warren Beatty.

Want to dance?

I'm talking with my friends.

Maybe some other time.

What, you'd rather sit there with Burl Ives than dance

with me?

Come on, let's dance.

No, thank you.

Well I'm not going to bit you, unless you want me to.

Oh, oh, hardi-har-har.

Hey, nobody's talking to you.

Come on. Let's dance.

- No leave her alone. - Well I-- it's all right.

I'll dance with him. - You will not.

Just sit down!

You know, I'm sick to you, you've been in my face

all night.

Look, why don't you just take a hike.

Yeah, who's going to make me?

Oh yeah, that's real grown up.

Fight about it.

Fine with me.

Come on fat boy, let's take it outside.

Well she-- she started it.

OK.

OK.

I have to tell you something.

I'm a woman.

Yeah, you're going to be when I get done with you.

Hey!

Leave him alone.

What's it to you?

He's my husband.

What?

You heard me.

Anybody that messes with him, messes with me.

[laughing]

Would you want to mess with me?

No way.

Oh, my hero.

Oh here's a real man for you.

[spitting]

That beard kind of tickles.

Bada boom, bada bing.

[laughing]

[music playing]

[applause]

[high pitched humming]

Hey, quite breathing on me.

I ain't breathing on you.

Neh.

What was that for?

Quit slobbering on me, would you?

Oh, yeah I--

[grunting]

[barking]

[applause]

[high pitched humming]

[screaming]

Hey, Andie.

Hey, Dan.

[high pitched humming]

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