Original subtitles

[theme music]

Get you one of these hogs, Gar.

We're talking about serious freedom.

Boy, Jackie'd love one of these things.

It's not the point.

It's like getting a tattoo, babe.

Even if you got the lady's name on it,

you're not getting it for her. - Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, wouldn't it be cheaper if I got

one of those Japanese bikes?

No, no, no, no.

You don't want a bike that sounds like Barry Manilow.

You want one that sounds like Steppenwolf.

Get on her.

See how she feels.

Yeah?

I'm in love.

Huh?

[revving]

Whoa, beautiful!

Incredible.

I can still feel it.

It's always like that.

Do you guys want like a cigarette or anything?

We ready to go?

No.

Jackie's not even here yet.

So what else is new?

Listen, do me a favor, Dan, and don't go getting all greasy

because this is a very, very nice restaurant

we're going to tonight.

Well, gee, Mom, me and Eddie, we was just goofing off.

Lovely dress, Mrs. Cleaver.

What time's our reservations for?

10 minutes ago.

She's always doing this to me.

I'll be waiting for 45 minutes down at the cineplex

while she's done at the station printing perps.

She actually said that?

Printing perps?

Yeah, she's really into this police lingo stuff.

You know, every time I go over there,

she's either eyeballing a mugshot, grilling a dirtbag,

or, uh, frisking a biscuit.

Spanking a chicken.

God, I hate that stupid job.

Mom, I worked it out with Becky.

She's going to stay home and babysit DJ,

and I'm going to go out.

Now, why would she make a deal like that?

Well, I had dirt on her.

What kind of dirt?

Now, if I told you, I'd have to stay home.

So what do you think your punishment ought to be?

What do you mean?

Darlene told me everything.

That little rat.

I told her I wasn't going to do anything about it until I

get your side of the story.

Well, first we--

wait a minute.

Uh-uh.

[phone ringing]

You're getting good.

If that's Jackie, I'm going to kill her.

This better not be you.

Oh, sorry.

I thought you were somebody else.

Yeah, that's me.

What-- what happened?

Is-- did she get shot?

BECKY: Oh, my God. Aunt Jackie?

GARY: She was shot? - No, no.

Shh.

No.

OK.

Well, where is she?

OK.

Yeah, we'll be right there. - What?

What? - OK, where's the keys?

DAN: What's the matter, Roseanne?

She got injured in the line of duty.

We gotta get out of here. Where are the keys?

- How bad is it? - They don't know.

- Why not? - I don't know.

You want me to call them back and ask them?

Do you know what it--

where's my keys? - Here, I'll--

- I gave them to you. - Yeah, I'll drive.

Damn it, I knew this was going to happen.

I'll drive.

This is for the pain.

Oh, make it a double.

Jackie?

JACKIE: Yeah, come on in.

She's down here.

Are you OK?

Couldn't find anybody out there.

What happened?

Oh, it was a nightmare.

Oh, please.

You just hurt your back.

May I tell the story?

Well, it was a--

it was a 311.

And it was on my beat, so I was the first to respond.

When I got to the scene, I realized that the alleged

perp was heavily intoxicated.

And that meant not only was it a 311, but a 402, as well.

He resisted arrest, and there was a struggle-- a 979er.

And that's when things got ugly.

He went for his gun.

What gun?

Your partner said the guy was completely naked.

It was dark. It could have been a gun.

And then they both fell down a flight of steps.

You tackled some naked guy and you

fell down the steps will him?

Well, that's what they pay me for, Roseanne.

You know, if we hurry, I think we can still

make it to that restaurant.

Wanna come, Jackie?

I do have a herniated disk.

Is there anything we can get for you?

No, I'll be all right.

I'm fine.

I'm just-- I'm sorry I ruined everybody's night.

No, don't be silly.

We're just glad you're OK.

Doctors tell you anything?

How long you're gonna be here?

They said I gotta stay here a couple of days for observation.

And then, after that, take it easy.

You know, bedrest.

No physical exertion.

Could I have a minute with Jackie alone?

Now, no physical exertion.

OK.

We'll be right outside.

Listening.

I hate seeing you lying here in pain like this.

Well, actually, ever since she gave me that shot,

I'm feeling kind of neat.

I gotta tell you something, honey.

When we got that phone call said you were hurt,

I've never been so scared in my life.

Aw, you're so sweet.

No, it's the truth.

With your cute little button nose.

Um, thanks.

Anyway-- - [giggles]

--you know, every day when you go off to work,

I can't help but worrying that you're going

to get shot or stabbed.

Why do you ask?

Uh, you know, maybe we better talk about this later.

No.

No, I'm OK.

You said shot or stabbed.

OK, so this time it didn't happen.

You just fell down the stairs.

But I mean, here you are in a hospital anyway.

And-- and I mean, what happens if next time maybe some jerk

really does have a gun?

Jackie, I know.

I know that we've talked about this,

but I just don't know if I can handle it anymore.

[exhales]

Jeez, why can't DJ clean his own room?

God, what a pig.

How is Aunt Jackie gonna stand sleeping in here?

What is this?

I think that's his underwear, Beck.

Ew!

Where am I supposed to put this junk?

I don't know.

Just shove it under the bed.

What are these?

Oh, my God.

What?

It's a box full of little heads.

Barbie.

GI Joe.

Oh, Cher!

The little runt is psycho.

What does he do, just cut their heads off and throw

away the rest of the parts?

No.

This is very creepy, Darlene.

Well, let's just put everything

back exactly where it was.

Hi!

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Cleaning.

We're just cleaning.

Did you clean the closet?

N-- no.

No.

Why?

No reason.

OK.

Careful, Gary.

You break her, you bought her.

Very funny, Roseanne.

There you go.

Here.

Just put her down here in the bed.

- Easy does it. - OK.

Careful.

How you feeling, Aunt Jackie?

A little stiff, Beck.

Can we get you anything?

No, I'll be fine.

I'm OK.

Roseanne, please stop fussing.

No.

Hey, Aunt Jackie, I made you a get well card.

Oh, Deej, look at that.

Oh, you are such a good kid.

He's got them all fooled.

I brought the baggage, master.

Where do you wish me to put it?

[chuckles] Just put it anywhere, Igor.

Yes, master.

Perhaps later you'll hit me?

We'll see.

You're too kind.

How you doing?

ALL: [fussing concurrently]

No.

Hey, no! I'm OK.

I'm fine, really.

I just-- I need some rest, though.

- OK, I'll check with you later. - OK.

Gary? Something wrong?

What? No.

No. No, I'm just incredibly late.

I gotta go.

OK, you guys.

Come on.

She needs to be all alone.

Come on.

Let's leave her alone here.

Roseanne? ROSEANNE: Hm?

Can you stay?

Yeah, I wasn't gonna go anywhere.

JACKIE: Oh.

What's up?

I found out yesterday that, because of my back,

I could wind up behind a desk.

Oh, you poor thing.

Can I do my little happy dance now?

Roseanne!

How can you say that?

You know how much being a cop means to me.

Oh, come on.

Nothing's happened yet.

It happens all the time.

You get hurt.

You can't do your job.

They give you a little pension and send you home.

I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't be a cop.

Oh, there's a lot of things you could do.

I don't wanna do anything else.

I put on that uniform and people respect me.

I get to do something that means something, that

protects people and helps people,

even if it means risking my life.

Jackie, you tackled a naked guy and grabbed for--

I could've sworn it was a gun.

What are you doing?

Shopping for motorcycles.

Oh, look!

Here's a pip.

'78 Harley in mint condition.

We can't afford that.

It's for Gary.

Gary and I are planning on forming a gang.

You and your sister will be our chicks.

Then we plan on going out terrorizing small communities

on the weekends.

Weather permitting.

How's Jackie?

Well, she's a bit better, but I really

don't think she should leave, you know,

until she's able to take care of herself all the way.

Ha!

You know, you really enjoy this nurturing crap.

Do not.

Do too.

You've been real happy the last couple of days,

having somebody to take care of.

Well, I guess it is kind of cool having

somebody depend on me to feed them

and take them to the bathroom.

Besides you, that is.

Mom, if DJ was doing something weird--

I don't mean just normal weird.

I mean really weird--

we'd have to send him away, right?

Yeah, but then he'd probably just find his way back

like you always do.

What's going on?

He's doing something really weird.

Gosh, I am so tired of it.

You know, it's really, really boring.

Every time the kid does anything,

you girls come down here squawking at me about it.

Now, I told you before, he doesn't do things the way

you do them.

He does them differently.

He's a boy.

Real different.

Oh, it looks like DJ got himself a hobby.

Mother, these are my old dolls!

Ah, jeez.

He's not playing with dolls, is he?

That's a relief.

Do you guys think this is insane?

Well, this one does kind of look like Darlene.

Yeah, looks like she put up quite a little struggle.

You guys are sick.

Come on.

Just take them back where you got them.

Put them back.

Mother!

Becky, it's no big deal.

Come on.

I told you, he's a boy, and boys do things like this.

Now, go find something to do.

All right, but when we finally do

have to lock the little wacko in the basement,

don't expect me change his papers.

Hey.

Hey, bud.

Got you a bike.

Hey, great.

Yeah, we'll check it out this afternoon.

Now all we gotta do is get you one of those good, tough biker

nicknames.

All right.

How about, uh, Psycho?

No, we're saving that for DJ.

I gotta go up and see Jackie.

How is she?

She's laying up in bed, complaining.

Well, I'm used to that.

Hi.

Gary!

GARY: How you feeling?

JACKIE: You tell me.

Well, that was fun.

Hey, these are for you.

Thank you.

Gary, what's wrong?

Ever since my accident, we haven't talked.

Well, um, I'm gonna buy that Harley.

Great.

And, um, things have been real busy at work.

Hey, listen.

You remember Hank, who has a sign shop next to me?

Well, turns out that his secretary is leaving

at the end of this month. - Gary--

It's a great job.

I have a job.

Would you just think about it?

Here we go again.

Gary, you knew I was a cop when we started dating.

Yeah, but I always thought that sooner or--

You just thought I would give it up.

It was just a phase I was going through.

This month, she's a cop.

And next month, maybe she'll be a cowgirl.

You got hurt.

So just say, "I told you so."

No, because this time, it's, "I can't live like this."

I mean, you know, forget the fact that you're never home.

And forget the fact that we can't ever make plans

because you don't know what your life's

going to be like that day.

And forget that I can't relate to any of your friends

because all you do is sit around and talk your cop talk.

But Jackie, I'll be damned if I'm going to get a phone

call saying that my wife is lying in some hospital.

So I have to give up something that I want

because you can't deal with it?

Don't you think that that sounds a wee bit selfish?

That's how I feel.

Gary, I'm not going to let somebody else run my life.

That's not going to change.

Well, I'm not going to sit around waiting

for that phone call.

So what are we saying here?

We're breaking up?

Just tell me that you won't be a cop anymore

and this all goes away.

Look, don't sell the bike.

I know you got somebody waiting for it,

but my buddy really wants it.

We will be there.

Soon.

Gary, come on.

Oh, Dan, leave him alone.

He's probably kissing it and making it better.

Come on, man.

We gotta go We're gonna lose the bike.

Dan, I can't deal with that bike right now.

Um, I gotta get out of here.

What's the matter?

Did you guys have another fight?

It was more than just a fight, Roseanne.

Well, what?

It-- it's between her and me.

I mean, it's-- it's a problem that we've been

having from the beginning.

It's private, Roseanne.

Fine.

Jackie'll tell me.

Sounds bad.

It's over.

Ah, man.

Yeah.

Well, these things happen.

Listen, we're still gonna do this bike thing, right?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Definitely. - Yeah.

What, you gonna give me a buzz, or?

Absolutely.

Hey, Gary.

Yeah.

Take care of yourself.

Yeah, you too, Dan.

Why, Jackie?

How could you do something like that

without even discussing it with my first?

He's not your boyfriend.

Oh, come on.

This guy is great.

All those little irritating things you do?

He thinks they're cute.

He walked in here and he gave me an ultimatum.

He told me to quit the force. - Well, so what?

I've been telling you to quit the force

since the day you started.

Yeah, and I've been trying to break up with you,

but you won't seem to go away.

Look, becoming a cop is something

I worked very, very hard for.

What would you do if Dan just demanded

that you give up the house and the job and the kids?

OK, bad example.

Well, I'll tell you what I would do, Jackie.

I'd work it out with him.

Well, there was nothing to work out.

I'm quitting the force.

What?

They told me that I'm going to have to take a desk job,

and I'm going to quit.

I did not become a cop so I could sit on my butt all day,

typing.

But it's the very same thing that Gary wants.

So now, why can't we just rent a chapel

and get this thing over with?

No, forget it.

Then he would think that I quit just because he told me to.

But you would know the truth!

You let him live in ignorance.

Men love that!

Roseanne, I am going to do exactly what you would do.

You would never let a man tell you how to run your life.

I want somebody who will love and support me no matter

what, just like Dan does for you.

Are you insane?

Do you know how many years I had to put into Dan?

You think he came out of a box like?

Now, you could put those same years into Gary.

I'm telling you, he is the perfect guy for you.

No, Roseanne, he's the perfect guy for you.

You just want him to settle down and take care

of your flaky sister so you don't have

to worry about her anymore.

Well, that's OK.

You don't have to worry about her anymore

because she's going to be just fine!

OK.

So maybe-- maybe you did the right thing.

It's been kind of a tough day for you.

Yeah.

Fell like crying some more?

No.

Wanna yell at me?

No.

Want a pizza?

Yes.

Extra cheese?

Mhm.

Pepperoni?

Mhm.

Sausage?

Anchovies?

No man is worth anchovies.

I don't know why you want to go home so soon.

Well, Roseanne, it's been a week.

10 days.

I'll just put these out in the car.

I'll miss you too, Dan.

You sure you want to go?

There's nobody there to talk to, nobody to take care of you.

I mean, it's just a crap little hole of an apartment.

You're depressing me.

Well, now, if you're depressed,

you really shouldn't go.

No, it's time that I get on with my life.

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

I got a little disability pension coming in,

and I got time to try stuff I've always wanted to do.

Like what?

I'm not telling you.

Every time I try something new, you just make fun of it,

like becoming a cop.

You just don't lay off.

Oh.

I'm not going to do anything like that.

You can tell me what you're going to do.

I'm gonna-- I will totally support whatever you choose.

OK.

Well, I was thinking of trying something kind of artistic.

You know, like being a painter or a sculptor.

Or I could join that Lanford Community Theater.

I could be an actor.

Yeah, or you could be a ballerina.

You want to be a ballerina?

Roseanne--

Or you could be an astronaut.

Yeah, you'd be a great astronaut.

You get to fly way up high into outer space!

Thank you for the support.

Or you could be a kickboxer.

No, a sumo wrestler.

Bye-bye.

No, a psychic.

But then you knew that, didn't you?

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